Goldeneye

Was the James Bond flick, Goldeneye, a good movie or is our perception of that film skewed by the fact that it spawned one of the greatest video games of our youth and possibly all-time?  The incredible Nintendo 64 game was the staple of my and a lot of people's youth and was basically the first mainstream game that allowed you to run around and shoot your friend in the face (unless someone cheated and played as Oddjob, that little bastard was impossible to hit).  That game wasted a lot of afternoons that could have been spent outside running around getting fresh air, but we didn't care, it was too much fun to play on "Golden Gun Mode" and kill your buddy while laughing your ass off.

However, has anyone watched the movie recently?  I saw it when it came out and probably liked it, but when the game came out, I'm fairly sure playing that game somehow made the movie even greater in my mind.  The reality is that that movie is actually pretty average.  While it was a definite improvement from the previous Timothy Dalton flick and certainly better than any of the other Pierce Bronson flicks, it still wasn't that good.  It certainly had a good villain in 006 and Famke Janssen's character was sexy awesome, but it still lacked compared to any of Sean Connery's movies.  Go back and watch it and tell me if you are not somewhat disappointed especially compared to the new Daniel Craig movies, or at least compared to Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace was pretty stupid.

"Are they having sex.......or working out?"

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 1

Here is a weekly post I used to do for an old website I used to write for (before those jerks shut it down without letting me know) and I thought I would start my weekly college football picks again for you guys.  Since I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do this, I figured I would pick all of the big match-ups each week, something along the lines of any games where both teams are ranked in the Top 25, plus any other games I feel like should be included.  Let's see if I still got the magic picking touch:

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on Coaches Poll
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

#9 South Carolina Gamecocks @ Vanderbilt Commodores (+6.5)

Thursday 7:00

Tennessee Volunteers v. NC State Wolfpack (+3)

Georgia Dome

Friday 7:30

#22 Boise State Broncos @ #13 Michigan State Spartans (-7)

Friday 8:00

#14 Clemson Tigers (-3.5) v. #25 Auburn Tigers

Georgia Dome

Saturday 7:00

#8 Michigan Wolverines (+14) v. #2 Alabama Crimson Tide

Cowboys Stadium

Saturday 8:00

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (+7.5) @ #20 Virginia Tech Hokies

Monday 8:00

-For those of you who don't know (or even care), I graduated from Clemson and fellow Brainfart contributor, Alex, graduated from Georgia Tech, which makes both of us pretty big college football fans.  On top of that, all of Alex's family went to Clemson's nemesis, the University of South Carolina, and so he grew up a fan of the Gamecocks (cocks, hehe) and yet we somehow remained friends all these years.  Well, when we were putting together our College Football Preview a couple of weeks ago, Alex picked South Carolina to win the SEC East and Southern California to win the PAC-12.  However, when he wrote in his picks, he put South Carolina as "USC" and spelled out "Southern California".  As I Clemson fan, I found this hilarious for a couple of reasons.  The first reason is that when you are watching a football game on ESPN between South Carolina and whoever, what does the small scoreboard in the corner of the screen say?  It says "SCar", not "USC".  What I'm trying to say is that when the national media doesn't refer to your team as USC, then you are not USC.  The other reason I found it funny that Alex claimed South Carolina as USC is because Southern Cal is definitely The Real USC.  Hell, South Carolina can't even claim to be The Real Carolina (UNC owns that title).  The reason that USC is The Real USC is because they can claim 11 National Championships and 36 Conference Titles.  Meanwhile South Carolina has only ever won one Conference Championship in their 120 year history and that was all the way back in 1969.  So, you tell me who the real USC is (hint - it's not South Carolina).  Oh, and don't get me started on who Alex is supposed to pull for if Georgia Tech actually played South Carolina (which is scheduled to happen in 2021 and 2022, yeah, they schedule that far ahead), that's as confusing as it was to go through puberty.

Also, I don't feel confident with any of these picks mostly because I went heavy anti-SEC and that can never be a good thing.  Then again, I'm sure that most people are tired of hearing all the pro-SEC crap they spew on ESPN every day that they are secretly hoping I am correct with all of my picks this week.  Fingers crossed.

Last Week's Results:  0-0
Season Results:  0-0

"FYI - this is Erin Andrews' replacement on GameDay.  She works for me!"

NASCAR Drivers and Their Drinks

I always find it hilarious when I see a post-race interview with a NASCAR driver and they conveniently have  a Coke in their hand with the label perfectly placed to show the camera what they are drinking.  I find it funny because the last thing in the world a guy would want to drink after driving for four hours while sweating his ass off is a Coke.  I understand they do it because they get paid out the ass for it, but why hasn't Gatorade gotten into this market?  I feel like they are totally missing out on a big segment of the population who could be drinking a beneficial beverage after waking up from their latest hangover (and yes, I am implying that NASCAR fans are dumb drunks and no, I don't watch NASCAR even though I am both dumb and a drunk).  Gatorade is big into hocking their product into the sports market and since NASCAR is technically a "sport", wouldn't it make since for them to try and sell their drink to racing fans?  Hell, why hasn't Dale Jr approached Gatorade with this idea?  His undeserved status could sell multiple truckloads to his inebriated fan base in a week.  Anyways, I find it hilarious when drivers drink a Coke after a race when you know they are screaming inside for a glass of water.

"Plus imagine having to clean up after a driver slings Coke all over the place, things will be all sticky and not the fun sticky like after sex.  I am doing sex correct, right?"

College Football Preview

Oh yeah, it's college football time!!!  So we here at Brainfart are going to give you a glimpse into the future and let you know who is going to win the Conference and National Championships.  Well, all of the good conferences because I don't even know who in the hell plays in the Big East anymore:

	Sambo	Alexatgt
ACC Coastal	Virginia Tech	Virginia Tech
ACC Atlantic	Florida State	Clemson
ACC Champ	Florida State	Virginia Tech
SEC East	Georgia	S. Carolina
SEC West	LSU	LSU
SEC Champ	LSU	LSU
Big 12 Champ	Oklahoma	Oklahoma
Big 10 Leaders	Wisconsin	Wisconsin
Big 10 Legends	Michigan	Nebraska
Big 10 Champ	Michigan	Wisconsin
PAC 12 North	Oregon	Oregon
PAC 12 South	USC	USC
PAC 12 Champ	USC	USC
	National Championship
Team 1	USC	LSU
Team 2	LSU	Wisconsin
Winner	USC	LSU

"Fooootbawl!!!!!"

NOKW - The Punisher

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Punisher

Basic Plot:  I'm not sure, but I think some dude gets pissed off at John Travolta for killing his entire family and then hunts down and kills Travolta's family in increasingly crazy ways.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that The Punisher is killing up a storm and his former cop buddies are okay with it.  The fact that The Punisher's former cop buddies don't put Travolta behind bars for murdering his entire family.  The fact that I only same this movie once (b/c it is terrible) and the only thing I truly remember from this movie is the next part, so let's just skip to that.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that The Punisher sets up an elaborate flaming skull in Travolta's parking lot in the hopes that not only will no one notice him doing it, but also that he will actually get to use it.  Look at thing below, it is massive and quite detailed, so how did no one notice him out there when he was making it? On top of that, he only gets to light it on fire after he somehow lures Travolta outside (after killing every single one of his henchmen) and ties him to a car filled with explosives that blows up and lights his masterpiece on fire.  So, would he have lit that thing up if a stray bullet had caught Travolta in the face while he was inside killing everyone?  I mean, it looks like he took a lot of time to design that thing, it would have been a waste had he not.  But still, it comes back to the point as to how not a single one of the currently dead henchmen (who were guarding Travolta's building like the White House) didn't see The Punisher out in their parking lot when he was obviously spending a lot of time setting that thing up?  Also, how did he even know what it was going to look like after he lit it?  And what if a couple of people left between the time he did set it up and the time he lit it, because I'm pretty sure someone would have and that thing should have a couple holes in it.  I am not okay with that.

"Seriously, that thing is huge and not a single person noticed him setting that thing up?"

Stupid State Laws - Florida 3

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here) and just so you know, Florida is littered with hilarious laws, so we will be revisiting this state a few more times:

Florida

"Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal."

Well, duh.  This shouldn't be a law, this should just fall under common sense.  Just imagine the person who walked in on some dude (or dudette) going to town on some poor porcupine, that must have or still is haunting their dreams.  There is one funny thing about this law, it is only specific to porcupines.  Can you fuck a duck?  How about shag a stag?  Or what about choking your chicken with a chicken, literally spank the monkey, hide the snake in a snake, make love to a dove, pork some pork, nail a whale, pound a greyhound, ram a lamb, ride a cowhide, score with a condor, screw a yew, cram a ram, impale a quail, or get some pussy from a pussy?  In any case, whoever the guilty party behind this law probably got more punishment from the actual sex than from the law.  Sex with a porcupine?  Seriously, what in the hell was that person thinking?

"Well, now that I think about it, that little lady does look awfully sexy."

Blow Your Mind Saturday

This isn't a new thing we are going to do every week, I just wanted to blow your mind on a random Saturday.  So.  How old do you think Chuck Norris is?  When I found out the answer, I asked a bunch of people I know and their answers ranged from 48 to 60 and I'm pretty confident that most normal people would agree.  Well, it turns out that Chuck Norris is 72.  Seventy-Fucking-Two!!!!  How is that possible?  It blew my mind when I found that out.  If I had told you that Alex Trebek was 72, you would have probably said that makes sense.  The same goes for Jack Nicklaus, Martin Sheen, Patrick Stewart, Al Pacino, John Cleese, and even Paul "Crocodile Dundee" Hogan, but not Chuck Norris.  The funny thing is when I told people he was 72, most people responded with something like "It's because he has the power to turn back time" or "His beard doesn't allow him to age" and these jokes were made because of all of those internet memes rolling around about Chuck and his magical powers.  Well, it turns out that they might have been true because there is no way he is that old.  I had to share this fact with the world because it seems so unbelievable.

"This is a picture of him from his most recent movie (the most likely god-awful Expendables 2) and he doesn't look a day over 55."

First Overall Draft Picks

The other day I got to thinking about how many quarterbacks in the NFL were drafted with the first overall pick and decided to do a little research.  Here are some random tidbits about the first overall picks from each of the big three sports:

NBA

• In the past 15 years, 9 centers, 4 forwards, and 3 point guards (all of those in the past four drafts) have been taken first overall.
• This group has won 5 MVP Awards (Tim Duncan x 2 and LeBron James x 3)
• 8 of those picks have made it to an All-Star Game.
• The first picks in the NBA has been a mixed bag.  There were a lot of great picks, a couple of terrible picks, and quite of few good contributors.  For the most part, only a couple of them have been complete failures.
• Best Pick - most would say it was LeBron James in 2003, but I'm going with Tim Duncan in 1997.  First off, Tim has won 4 championships to LeBron's 1, plus Tim never stabbed the team that drafted him in the back on national television.
• Worst Pick - this was a tough one because there were a lot of terrible picks like Michael Olowakandi and Kwame Brown, but I'm going with Greg Oden.  He was drafted first 5 years ago and has only played in roughly 80 games or one full season in his five year career.  Also, Kevin Durant was taken 2nd and he has already won two scoring titles and taken his team to the Finals.

MLB

• In the past 21 seasons, 13 everyday players and 8 pitchers have been taken first overall.
• Of the 8 pitchers taken first overall, 6 either didn't work out or were busts (Brien Taylor, Paul Wilson, Kris Benson, Matt Anderson, Bryan Bullington, and Luke Hochevar) and of the 13 everyday players taken first, you could only say one was a bust (Matt Bush).
• These guys have won 6 MVP Awards (A-Rod x 3, Joe Mauer, Josh Hamilton, and Chipper Jones)
• 11 of the first overall picks made an All-Star game.
• While Pat Burrell was taken first overall and never made an All-Star Game, he did hit a lot of homers and win two World Series.
• Best Pick - really tough choice because there were actually a lot of really good players chosen first overall, like A-Rod, Josh Hamilton, Adrian Gonzalez, Joe Mauer, Justin Upton, David Price, Stephen Strasburg, and Bryce Harper.  But I'm going to go with a heavily biased pick and chose Chipper Jones.  He was drafted first in 1990 and has been to 8 All-Star Games, won 2 Silver Sluggers, an NL MVP Award (1999), and a World Series (1995).  He is considered one of the greatest 3rd Basemen and Switch Hitters of All-Time and most importantly, he has only played for one team his entire career, something A-Rod cannot say (plus he is a choker and used steroids).
• Worst Pick - Brien Taylor was taken first by the Yankees in 1991 and never threw a single pitch in the majors.  Suck it Yankees.

NFL

• In the last 15 years, 12 QB's, 1 OT, and 2 DE's were taken first overall.
• Of those 12 QB's, only three can be considered flops (Tim Couch, David Carr, and JaMarcus Russell) and of the other three non-QB picks, only one can be considered a flop (Courtney Brown).
• Only Peyton Manning has won an NFL MVP Award out of this group, but he has won it 4 times.
• 7 of these picks have made a Pro-Bowl and 9 of the 12 QB's are still starting today.
• Best Pick - it has to be Peyton Manning, he has won a Super Bowl and 4 MVP Awards on top of all of the ridiculous stats he has accumulated (3rd all-time in both passing yards and TD's).
• Worst Pick - too easy, it's JaMarcus Russell.  No need to explain, he was terrible from the first day he stepped onto an NFL field.  Plus it allowed the white community to find out what the hell Purple Drank is.

"Oh yeah, and there was one dog killer selected first overall."

POTC Origin

I'm going to assume that most of you guys have seen the movie, Pirates of the Caribbean.  If not, that's weird because it has spawned three sequels (and a fifth movie is in the works) and the series has grossed over $3.7 billion worldwide.  Either way, that's not what's important here, what I want to ask is - do you know where the idea for the movie came from?  And if you answered the Disneyland ride, then you are partially correct.  It is based on the ride, but the ride is based loosely on the Robert Louis Stevenson book, Treasure Island, or at least a lot of the main plot points from the movie came straight from that book (FYI, there was a TV adaptation of the book that starred a teenage Christian Bale).  For example:

• The Black Spot that is put on Jack Sparrow by Bootstrap Bill in the 2nd movie is a major part of Treasure Island.  In fact, two different pirates have a black spot placed on them at one point in the book.
• The Dead Man's Chest is the subtitle of the second movie and in the book, it is a line from a song sung by the pirates in the book.
• "...and a Bottle of Rum" that line that Jack Sparrow is always complaining about in the movies comes from another song the pirates always sing in the book.
• Tortuga is the pirate haven in both the book and the movie (although technically it is a real place, too).
• Long John Silver is not in the movie, but his character surely is, they just called him Captain Barbosa.  Long John was a feared, one-legged pirate who wasn't afraid to murder, steal, and cause mutinies just like Barbosa, the only difference being that Barbosa had two legs.  Oh wait, in the fourth movie, he was one-legged.  Also, if you have ever read Treasure Island, you have to find it weird that a crappy fast food chain is named after Long John considering that he is a backstabbing, mutinous, murdering pirate (also, when was the last time, if ever, anyone has eaten at a Long John Silver's?  How is that place still in business?).

Well, I just thought I would share that with you because I read Treasure Island recently (for no real reason other than it is was on my Kindle when I got it and I was bored) and kept seeing a lot of references that kept showing up in POTC movies.

"However, at no point in the book were there any hotties like her."

New Olympic Sport

Everyone loves the Olympics - ratings in the US were at all time highs and we all knew the results before they aired those stupid tape delays!  Even so, the attention wanes as it goes on and they get a little long.  The climax is the basketball gold metal game and that is really only a climax for the US.  The closing ceremonies are finished but the people need an athletic climax which is why I propose the greatest sport that will put everyone on a level playing field - Dodgeball!

Imagine after all the highs and lows of the games if you have a bracket tournament between countries.  Who would say no to that?  No country actually plays dodgeball past middle school so everyone is on an even level.  Seems amazing but if you aren't convinced, check out the rules/guidelines below that will make it even better:

• One day marathon bracket tournament on the last day of the games - nothing else but dodgeball for a whole day!  Why can't there be anything else going on you say?  Because...
• You MUST use athletes already in the Olympics from another sport.  BOOM.  Let that sink in.  Rememebr Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte from a week ago?  How about that women's handballer that launched goals from all over the place?  Bring them back for the ultimate test.  You get to re-unite with athletes you had made connections with throughout the Olympics (and by connections, I mean they probably bumped uglies).
• Each country has a press coference to announce their teams the day before the tournament  This would arguably be as much fun as the tournament itself.  It would be mandatory that you line up EVERYONE (including anyone you had to send home for debauchery) on a stage while their country's Olympic federation picks the team.  Now you can bet/root for who you want to make the team and watch the huge shot putter be crushed that his cannon arm didn't get to play.

This is a no-brainer, world.  Who would say no to this?  Forget medal counts - this would be the ultimate decider of best country ever.

" Uniform Suggestion."

Ninja Warrior v. American Ninja Warrior

The end of the fourth season of American Ninja Warrior (the first aired on NBC) ended a couple weeks ago and it couldn't have finished any lamer (spoiler alert - no one won).  I have also been watching reruns of the original Japanese show, Ninja Warrior, on G4 a lot lately and decided that we here at Brainfart should compare the two shows.  First off, we are going to just be using acronyms for the two shows from now on, ANW for the American version and NW for the Japanese show.

Alright, the first thing that should be compared are the two obstacle courses.  While both courses use basically the same obstacles, the NW course is built literally over a field of dirt.  The water that the contestants fall into when they fail an obstacle is nothing but watery mud.  The AWN course is Americanized and looks sleek and the water is extremely clean compared to the NW course.  For me, I like the NW course better because you can tell they don't have a huge budget (despite being in their 27th season) and it just has a more real feel to it.  Advantage - NW.

The length of the two shows is key.  NW is only 30 minutes long per episode and usually lasts 5 or 6 shows per season.  The reason each episode is so short is because they don't waste time with back stories for each contestant and generally concentrate on just showing the action.  AWN is one or two hours long and the most recent season had 18 episodes.  The reason it lasted so long is because they showed roughly 5 minutes of puff pieces for every minute of contestants competing and it couldn't have been more boring (thank god for DVR).  Obviously, the shorter episodes with more action makes better TV.  Advantage - NW.

The contestants for both shows couldn't have been more different.  AWN only had real athletes that could run a mile without falling over.  Meanwhile, NW allowed comedians, TV personalities (including the super hot Olivia Munn), old people, as well as contestants who would actually complete the course.  This is somewhat of a toss-up because while seeing the American version keep pumping out guys (and a couple girls) who could knock out the course on every try, you can't help but laugh when you saw an old guy bust his ass Wipeout-style in the Japanese version.  Advantage - NW.

In conclusion, NW won by a lot and the biggest reason is because AWN had 18 episodes (each at least an hour long) and built it up that someone was going to win $500,000.  But in the end, only one guy made it to Stage 3 (of 4) and he failed to finish that.  It felt like such a letdown after watching the whole season that it compelled me to write this post.  I felt like I was cheated out of a big chunk of my life.  Meanwhile, NW is shorter and while only three guys have ever won the whole thing, you don't feel like you wasted your time when the season is over.

"This is Makoto Nagano, he is almost 40 and he is a total badass at Ninja Warrior.  You should probably bow to him if you ever are graced with his presence."

NOKW - Iron Man

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Iron Man

Basic Plot:  We get a modern adaptation of the Iron Man story and get to see Robert Downey Jr. nail the character of Tony Stark as he battles The Dude, I mean Jeff Bridges.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Tony Stark is able to build a flux capacitor or whatever it is that he sticks in his chest with spare parts while being held captive in a cave.  The fact that he is also able to build a weaponized suit in that same cave without the bad guys noticing it, did they not look around his prison every once in awhile and not notice it?  The fact that the Air Force would shoot down Iron Man after he not only took out the bad guy's stash of missiles, but they were also trying to shoot down what looked like a flying man in a suit without asking a couple more questions about the awesomeness that is a flying man in a suit.  The fact Iron Man doesn't beat the hell out of The Dude faster considering that his suit is quicker and he should be able to get behind him and disable it way faster than he eventually does.  The fact that Iron Man is able to fly despite no room anywhere on his suit to store the fuel that would enable propulsion.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the machine Tony Stark built to take off his suit looks way more complex than the actual Iron Man suit.  You know the machine I'm talking about, it's the one that comes out of the floor and puts on and takes off his suit and the one that Pepper walks in on him while he is stuck getting out of his suit at one point in the movie.  Seriously, that thing is amazing and yet it is designed and built by the time he finishes his Iron Man suit.  When did he have the time to build that thing when he was spending all of his time designing and tweaking his namesake?  That machine might have more specialized parts than his suit, so did he make all of them himself?  Because that would have taken forever.  On top of that, it is built into the floor, so he would have had to dig a huge hole in his lab which would have taken a lot of time and a lot of back breaking labor.  And even if he didn't do it himself, somebody would have had to come in and dig and they should have thought it kind of strange that some rich dude was digging a massive hole under his house.  All I'm saying is that that machine looks like it took way longer to build than the Iron Man suit, but we never hear Tony Stark even mention its construction at any point in the movie.  I am not okay with that.

"I couldn't find a picture of the machine.  That is it right before it starts removing it."

Stupid State Laws - Florida 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here) and just so you know, Florida is littered with hilarious laws, so we will be revisiting this state a few more times:

Florida

"You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays."

First off, I felt it was appropriate I should mention this law due to our website's name.  With that out of the way, what the hell is up with this law?  Why after 6 P.M.?  Why only on Thursdays?  I can understand why farting in public can be somewhat rude, but making it only on one day of the week and after 6 P.M. makes no sense.  Did somebody hit up a Taco Bell on a Thursday night and unleash hell on the unsuspecting public?  Because that is the only conceivable scenario that comes to mind as to why this law is in existence, but even then, what is to stop this farting menace from passing gas all over the place on a Tuesday, or god forbid, a Sunday?  Come on Florida, if you are going to make a hilariously stupid law about farting, at least make it uniform throughout the entire week.

"Notice there is nothing mentioning duck farts in that law, they better close that loophole quick."

Pitchers v. Pitchers

Something I have never understood is why MLB pitchers are not better at batting.  Think about it, a pitcher is an expert at pitching, therefore, when they are batting, they should know the most about the pitches that are coming their way.  Now, it is true that trying to hit a 95 mph fastball is one of the hardest, if not hardest, things to do in sports and that is why really good major league hitters are hard to come by and why they spend so much time practicing their hitting skills.  But you would think that a pitcher's knowledge of the game would at least make them competent at the plate.  However, for what ever reason, the best pitchers in baseball are terrible batters.  On the opposite side of the spectrum, some of the lesser pitchers are somewhat good at hitting which I would have to guess is to why they are still in the majors.  The weird thing is that arguable the greatest slugger of all-time, Babe Ruth, was an insanely talented pitcher as well.  Before becoming the feared hitter that we all know, he won 94 games in six seasons as a pitcher and had a career 2.24 ERA which would have placed him with the 22nd best ERA of all-time if he had pitched enough innings to qualify.  A more modern example is Tim Hudson.  He has 193 career major league wins but while he played college ball at Auburn, he batted close to .400 and I am fairly certain he broke a couple of Bo Jackson's school records.  Bo Fucking Jackson!  So what happened to Tim Hudson when he made the pros, did he forget how to hit?  I guess so, because he has a career .169 average as a major leaguer which is nowhere near his college average.  I just don't get it, you would think pitchers would be better hitters than they are, but instead, they flail at the ball like I would against a major league pitcher and I'm fairly certain I would strike out in a little league game right now.

"Then again, it's really tough to concentrate when the pitcher looks like her."

Mason and the Alligator

Guess what, it's Friday and I have another story about my awesome nephew Mason and it happened during the same trip to the beach I told you about last week.  After a long day on the beach, my sister and the family went out to eat at a fancy restaurant called Bayou Bill's and by fancy, I mean that it had an outdoor balcony that overlooked a pond of alligators and served beer in clean mugs.  Very fancy.  Well, as an incentive to get families with young kids to come and eat at their fancy establishment, Bayou Bill's offered a photo opp with a real live alligator (for 5 bucks).  As you would imagine, this sounded like a great idea to Mason and his brothers, so my sister herded them over to the photo area to snap the shot below.  When they got there, the lady in charge of the alligator had walked off for a minute, but this didn't deter Mason one bit, he ducked under the rope and headed straight to that alligator.  My sister was able to snag him before he grabbed the gator, but she was amazed at how fearless he was of the alligator (when she told me this, I asked her if she did realize that we were talking about the same Mason that I have been telling you guys all about).  In the end, they got their picture taken, but when they went to leave, Mason was extremely upset that he couldn't take the gator with him.  Just imagine that, Mason with a pet alligator, just what this world needs.

"I can only imagine what Mason is thinking about, probably ways he can become an alligator-themed supervillain when he gets older."

Life After Voldemort

I got to thinking and a couple of (Brainfart) thoughts popped into my head about the Harry Potter series that I needed to get off my chest.  First, after the final epic battle and (spoiler alert) with Voldemort dead, did Harry, Hermoine, and Ron have to go and finish their last year at Hogwarts?  Seriously, those three were the most responsible for helping rid the Wizarding World of Wizard Hitler, but they did so by skipping their final year of school.  So, were they required to go back and finish their final year of Potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts and whatever other stupid courses they take or did Hogwarts reward them with honorary degrees because they sort of proved that they know their shit by killing Voldemort?  And for that matter, every other student at Hogwarts is probably going to be held back due to the fact that their most recent year at school was marred by the tragedy that happened at the school and because half of their teachers were Death Eaters who were teaching them propaganda against the good guys.  In other words, their education wasn't exactly up to par their last year at school and they are probably going to have to do it all over again.

Next, why exactly was Ron's dad so confused about Muggles and their technology?  Didn't he work for the Ministry of Magic?  You know, the place that is located in downtown London and the place that he has to walk past a couple hundred of Muggles everyday just to go to work.  So, why is he always asking Harry about telephones and whatnot when he could just as easily watch a random bloke use one while he is on his lunch break and learn everything there is to know about it?

And lastly, does anyone else find it strange that the Wizarding World celebrates Christmas when the fact that being a wizard is basically like spitting in God's eye?  Or do they celebrate Christmas because they actually represent a species that is truly a copy of God's image?  You know, being a magic being that can create shit out of mid-air.  I always found it a little strange as to why wizards didn't have their own holidays, something cool like "Happy Dragon's Day" when everyone rides around on dragons for the hell of it.

"I killed Voldemort and they are making me take this bullshit anyways?  I should start an army and teach these people a lesson about who I truly am!"
"Um, Harry, that sounds a little like what you just stopped by killing Voldemort."
"Whatever, anything to get out of this stupid class."

Lyrical Lies - Ice Ice Baby

This column will strip away the catchy instrumentals and analyze the ridiculousness of the lyrics in popular songs.  I understand it is taking things to the extremes, but that's what I do - I go to extremes.  I am not going to comment on repeating lines or verses other than to occasionally note how much repetition there is in all songs.  In this addition, we take on our childhood and realize what is behind the song we have heard/sang hundreds of times.  Remember this is a rap song so the lyrics are coming fast and furious, also there are a lot of lyrics.

Song:   Ice Ice Baby
Artist:  Vanilla Ice

“All right stop

Collaborate and listen”

This is like lyrical red light-green light.  Stop!  Now do something!
“Ice is back with my brand new invention”

I feel terrible for not realizing you left.
“Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly”

Now I feel you – harpoons always be flowin’
“Will it ever stop?”

Definitely, ipod says in about two and a half minutes.
“Yo, I don't know”

We have established that.
“Turn off the lights and I'll glow”

Where did that come from?  Ice’s style is like a rap version of a Rodney Dangerfield stand-up routine. 
“To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal”

Vandals by definition do not rock microphones, they steal them; hence vandals.
“Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle”

This is an outdated phrase.  Maybe it’s just me but I think of waxing someone in purely sexual terms.  I would NEVER “wax” a chump that’s for sure.

“Dance
Bum rush the speaker that booms”

This would suggest that some speakers are not booming.  Pay your speaker bills on time Ice.
“I'm killin' your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly, when I play a dope melody”

Oh, shit!  Street cred all over the place.  Ice is so hard.
“Anything less that the best is a felony”

If that was true Hootie would still be in jail.
“Love it or leave it”

That is what every person does with everything.  The sky is blue Ice.  The sky is blue.
You better gain way
“You better hit bull's eye 
The kid don't play”

That is actually almost all they do.  Kids are rarely not playing or eating (or pooping).
If there was a problem 
“Yo, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it”

This is probably the best line in any song EVER.  I cannot criticize.  I can't even say that lyric, the only way to communicate it audibly is by signing it.  Try it - it's impossible.

"Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in, the Vega's are pumpin'"

Not a lot of confidence Ice, it took you two verses to get every one jumping?  And what is a Vega?  Wikipedia says it is the brightest star in the constellation Lyra so who knows.  I guess we can cut Vanilla some slack since he didn't have Wikipedia...poor bastard.
"Quick to the point, to the point no faking"

Glad you said that, I was starting to suspect some fakin'
"I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon
Burning them if they're not quick and nimble"

Not a bad line,  but can he finish a thought?
"I go crazy when I hear a cymbal"

Not even close.  Look over there - something shiny!
"And a hi hat with a souped up tempo"

What is a hi hat????  Oh, maybe he meant high hat?  Wait - still dumb.
"I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo"

Whoa, how high is he?  There's no one else singing dude.
"Rollin in my 5.0
With my ragtop down so my hair can blow”

Yea right – I do not believe you would ever jeopardize your ridiculous hair.
"The girlies on standby
Waving just to say hi
Did you stop?
No, I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block
That block was dead"

And now I will attempt to summarize.  I was riding in my convertible and saw some girls but I turned on another street with no people.  See how efficient our language can be.  Ice, you also might want to jazz up these lyrics - at least slap a Ho or something.

"Yo so I continued to a1a Beachfront Ave
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis"

I find it hard to believe they are wearing anything at all if it is less than a bikini.  Way to keep it PG-13 Ice. "Rock man lovers driving Lamborghini
Jealous 'cause I'm out getting mine"

Really Vanilla?  The guys with Lambos are jealous of you not stopping for hotties?  Really?
"Shay with a gauge and Vanilla with a nine"

A Vanilla with a nine is not threatening - possibly cute though.
"Ready for the chumps on the wall

The chumps are acting ill because they're so full of eight balls"

More chumps, you should move.   Finally a drug reference setting a record for longest into a rap without naked women and drugs.
"Gunshots ranged out like a bell"

I would say shots sound slightly more menacing than bells although maybe in Vanilla's white bread world of violence they play bells all up in each other's faces!  BOOM!
"I grabbed my nine
All I heard were shells"

I thought you already had your nine?  I found a flaw in the matrix! 
"Fallin' on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car, slammed on the gas
Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed"

Isn't this the same street that was empty?  Why didn't everyone go towards the street with the almost nude ladies?  I'm getting frustrated.
"I'm tryin' to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene
You know what I mean"

Yes - the police came.  There is no other way to take that. 
"They passed me up, confronted all the dope fiends"

That makes sense because from what I just read you got shot at and ran away in your car.
"Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it"

How hard did Ice push to get the word 'heed' out of his rap?  I guarantee that delayed production 6 months.
"My town, that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
'Cause my style's like a chemical spill"

Like a chemical spill? Environmentally horrific and potentially lethal to any living things.  Not cool Ice.
"Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed"

How could we not hear them - you are shouting.
"This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade, slice it like a ninja"

I will never NEVER speak ill of a ninja reference. 
"Cut like a razor blade so fast
Other DJ's say, "damn""

Whoa - they actually said damn!?!  That's heavy bro. 
"If my rhyme was a drug
I'd sell it by the gram"

I'm sure you would be more than happy to price it out by the pound. 
"Keep my composure when it's time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice"

First known reference to purple drank?  Ice was way ahead of his time. If there was a problem
Yo, I'll solve it!
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
“Yo man, let's get out of here
Word to your mother”
Second best line, not in song, but in English.

"I don't taste the vanilla but I will keep tasting."

Brainfart's Olympic Thoughts

The Olympics are over and the good guys (that would America) won the most medals, England put on a good show, and we learned that badminton is an Olympic sport for some reason.  Well, here are some other things that Brainfart took away from the games:

• Other than the cool video with the Queen and Daniel Craig, the Opening Ceremonies were kind of lame.  Then again, the Beijing Opening Ceremony was ridiculous and there was no way London was going to live up to that.
• American sprinter Tyson Gay ran the 100 meter sprint in 9.80 seconds, which would have won him the gold medal in every Olympics except this year and in 2008 (Usain Bolt is really fast), yet he didn't even medal in this year's event.
• I have gone over this before, but women's field hockey players are insane hot.
• Did anybody see a fencing or archery overtime?  In archery, if the match ended in a tie, there was a one arrow shoot-off where the closest to the center won.  I found that crazy, but not as crazy as fencing overtime.  In the team fencing event I watched, the two teams competed for 30 minutes which (obviously) ended in a tie and went to sudden death overtime.  In sudden death, the first fencer to score a touch won.  I found that absolutely crazy awesome.
• The Chinese won the second most medals and yet every Chinese "athlete" I saw looked so unathletic, but then again, ping pong and badminton are Olympic sports and they raked it in those events.
• They could have picked a better color than that official Olympic purple-ish they used.  It especially looked strange all over the walls of Wimbledon.
• Apparently, archery is really popular this year.  The reason behind this is The Hunger Games movie, you know, the movie where kids kill each other for sport.  Tween girls are so stupid.
• Unfortunately, I found out that Hope Solo is not Han Solo's daughter.  It turns out that her dad's name is Jeff.  However, he was con man/swindler, so maybe Han just changed his name when he came to Earth.  My fingers are crossed.
• I found it weird that sprinters have such jacked upper bodies, what do large biceps have to do with running really fast?
• The closing ceremonies would have made anyone feel like they had ADD - too much.
• Once the PGA Championship started, I stopped caring about the Olympics.  And that takes into account that it's golf and the final round was boring once Roy McAvoy (or is it Rory McIlroy?) pulled away.

"What I wanted give to be in the middle of that celebratory hug."

NOKW - The Avengers

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Avengers

Basic Plot:  A rage monster, demi-god, super-armored drunk, huge muscled captain, arrow-shooting guy, and a hot chick in tight leather fight another demi-god and his army of aliens in order to save the planet.  Also, this movie has the funniest scene in any comic book based movie ever.  Without giving anything away (and to those who have seen it), it involves The Hulk and Loki.

(If you haven't seen this movie, then SPOILER ALERT!!!!)

I'm Okay With:  The fact that some chick (Black Widow) and a dude (Hawkeye) with no discernible special abilities, and Captain America to a certain extent, being of any use in a fight against aliens and their superior technology and flying thingys.  The fact that The Hulk gets mad and turns into the giant green rage monster for absolutely no reason while the whole team is on that flying good guy aircraft carrier like thing.  The fact that basically six people (three of which were worthless) held off an army of hundreds, if not thousands, of aliens and a bunch of their armored flying worm monsters.  The fact that those armored flying worm monsters could fly despite not having any sort of way to stay in the air nor were they able to propel themselves forward.  The fact that it took Hawkeye a blow to the head, detox drugs, and many hours to get over Loki's spell, but it only took Bootstrap Bill (that doctor guy who was also in the Thor movie and played Bootstrap Bill in the PotC movies) a slight bonk to the melon to come out of the same spell.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Thor was able to show up on Earth at all in this movie.  If you saw the Thor movie (and I don't blame you if you didn't), then you know that at the end of the movie, the magic portal in Asgard that allows Thor to travel between worlds is destroyed and Thor can no longer go visit Natalie Portman's fine ass.  So, if that portal is destroyed and Thor has no way of traveling to Earth, then how in the hell did he conveniently show up on Earth in order to help stop his brother's evil plan to destroy our planet?  It's true that Loki was able to come to Earth, but he used that magic cube thingy.  But Thor didn't because at that point of the movie, the magic cube was in the possession of the bad guys.  So, how did Thor get there?  I feel like they could have had at least one simple sentence from Thor explaining that he flew the whole way or found a wormhole or used a magic wardrobe or something, but no, he didn't and we will never know how exactly he was able to find a loophole in his previous movie's plot (and since he was on Earth, why didn't he go visit Natalie Portman's fine ass?)  I am not okay with that.

"The Avengers B Squad."

Stupid State Laws - Florida

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here) and just so you know, Florida is littered with hilarious laws, so we will be revisiting this state a few more times:

Florida

"If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle."

Interesting.  Very interesting.  So, let me get this straight, some guy (maybe a gal) rode or walked their elephant to a populated enough part of Florida that they have parking meters, then they tied their elephant to a parking meter and didn't put any coins into said parking meter and another guy (or maybe a gal) had a problem with this?  Why?  How could the offended party get that upset over the elephant owner getting away without paying for parking for a freaking elephant that they complained to their local government official?  Did the elephant poop on his (or her) car?  Did this person own stock in parking meters?  Or are their just a ton of people in Florida who own elephants instead of cars and they flaunt parking meters all the time?  There is absolutely nothing about this law that makes sense unless their is a secret town of elephant owning people that we don't know about.

"Would they rather the elephants not be tied up and run around destroying stuff?  I feel like collecting a couple quarters  is worth not making such a stupid law."

Magneto

Yup, we are going to go full-on Dork today and will be discussing the X-Men villain, Magneto.  What I want to know is - how exactly does Magneto fly?  We know that he can control metal (at least, that's the gist of his mutant power) and we know that he usually flies around all over the place when doing his evil deeds or just when he is getting a beer out of the fridge.  But how exactly?  They usually portray him wearing his customary purplish costume and signature helmet.  However, only his helmet is made of metal and if that is what he is using to fly, that has to be painful and would definitely cause headaches.  So, does he use a metal belt buckle?  Grab your belt buckle right now and tell me that that makes any sense.  Are his boots made of metal?  If so, imagine you trying to fly when you are so top heavy, that can't be easy.  Does he have some sort of metal shoulder strap under that cape?  That has to chaff like hell on his armpits. Is he wearing a metal contraption that he uses like underwear?  Then his balls cannot be comfortable.  On top of that, he is old, so his joints probably ache and he has to go to the bathroom every ten minutes.  Honestly, I have no idea how he does it, but whatever it is that he is doing, it has to hurt like hell after a long day of battling Wolverine or that other worthless mutant that can shoot light out of her hands, Dazzler (seriously, that is her mutant power, shooting light out of her hands, how is that possibly useful?).  I'm sure that they explain how he does it in-depth in the actual comic books, but even if they did, I think I covered all of the possibilities and none sound promising.  Maybe he uses a combination of a bunch of metal all over his body.  But if that is the case, then flying has to use up a lot of his concentration and when fighting Beast or some other good guy, that would definitely hinder his fighting capabilities, which is never good when the guy his trying to beat can shoot laser beams out of his eyes.

"How do you do it, old man?"

Mason and the Buoys

Alright, it's Friday and I have another amusing story about my awesome nephew Mason.  My sister and the family recently enjoyed a week at the beach.  Well, while there the whole crew was in the car when they passed over a bridge and Mason spotted a buoy.  However, instead of saying the usual kid thing like "What is that, Mommy?" or "Why?", Mason said, "Hey look, it's a booby!".  And naturally, my sister and her husband busted out laughing at this comment.  Not knowing exactly why his parents were laughing (or did he?), Mason ran with it and every time he saw a buoy the rest of the week, he would yell out "Booby!" as loud as he could.  So, this became a running joke the whole trip.  At one point, this conversation happened between Mason and the dad of one of the other families:

Mason - "Mr. Mike, can I go touch the boobies?"
Mr. Mike - "Uhhh, which ones are you talking about, Mason?"
Mason - "The red boobies."
Mr. Mike - "Well, there are plenty of sunburned boobies around, so I say go for it."
Mason - "You don't want to touch them with me?"
Mr. Mike - (looks at my sister who is falling over laughing) "Maybe I should ask my wife first."

It wasn't until my sister explained to him what Mason was referring to that he finally relaxed and realized he wasn't in trouble.  The funniest buoy moment happened as they were leaving for home when Mason saw his last buoy and said, "Daddy, look, a white booby", then my brother-in-law probably swelled with pride and had a single tear rolling down his cheek and responded with a "Thatta boy."  Next week, I will tell you guys about Mason and his alligator friend, stay tuned.

"I can only imagine that Mason just saw another 'booby', that's usually how I excited I get, too."

"Stars"

I'm tired of watching TV and hearing someone refer to those slut Kardashians as TV "Stars".  Honestly, can you give me good reason that they should be considered "Stars"?  They have no talent (unless getting banged by Ray-J counts) and should not be famous if not for the fact that they gave up their dignity to have a TV crew follow them around all the time.  So, I decided that a new set of terminology should be created for the different classes of famous people.  And because we already use the word "Star", we will follow that mold and use different types of celestial objects.  Let's do this:

• Stars - this class is for the elite of the elite, they are the people that this term was originally created for and, therefore, should be the only ones that should be referred to as "Stars".  Ex:  Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks, Michael Jordan, LeBron James, Peyton Manning, etc.
• Planets - a step below the elite, they might star in movies, TV, or play sports and are fairly famous, but should never be considered "Stars".  Ex:  Mark Wahlberg, John Krasinski, Jessica Biel, etc.
• Moons - this group has the potential to be "Stars" but either they are not old enough to make that list or haven't done enough to get there yet.  Ex:  Jennifer Lawrence, Bryce Harper, etc.
• Asteroids - these people were probably famous at one point in their lives, but have fallen out of favor of the public for whatever reason.  So, basically they are floating around Hollywood looking for another big hit, just like astroids.  Ex:  Matthew Perry, Kevin Costner, etc.
• Comets - these are the people that were famous at one time or another and we hear a news story about them every decade or so, kind of like comets.  Ex:  Corey Feldman, Lindsay Lohan, Mr. T, etc.
• Space Trash - this one was specifically made for the Kardashians of the world, because they are basically trash and should be referred to as trash.  Ex:  All TV Whores and Reality Show Idiots.

Now that that is set in stone, you now know how to refer to famous people the world over.  So, don't forget to correct someone the next time they refer to Snooki as a "Star", she's not, she is just an awful excuse for a human being.

"Space Trash."