Lyrical Lies - Ice Ice Baby

This column will strip away the catchy instrumentals and analyze the ridiculousness of the lyrics in popular songs.  I understand it is taking things to the extremes, but that's what I do - I go to extremes.  I am not going to comment on repeating lines or verses other than to occasionally note how much repetition there is in all songs.  In this addition, we take on our childhood and realize what is behind the song we have heard/sang hundreds of times.  Remember this is a rap song so the lyrics are coming fast and furious, also there are a lot of lyrics.

Song:   Ice Ice Baby
Artist:  Vanilla Ice

“All right stop

Collaborate and listen”

This is like lyrical red light-green light.  Stop!  Now do something!
“Ice is back with my brand new invention”

I feel terrible for not realizing you left.
“Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly”

Now I feel you – harpoons always be flowin’
“Will it ever stop?”

Definitely, ipod says in about two and a half minutes.
“Yo, I don't know”

We have established that.
“Turn off the lights and I'll glow”

Where did that come from?  Ice’s style is like a rap version of a Rodney Dangerfield stand-up routine. 
“To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal”

Vandals by definition do not rock microphones, they steal them; hence vandals.
“Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle”

This is an outdated phrase.  Maybe it’s just me but I think of waxing someone in purely sexual terms.  I would NEVER “wax” a chump that’s for sure.

“Dance
Bum rush the speaker that booms”

This would suggest that some speakers are not booming.  Pay your speaker bills on time Ice.
“I'm killin' your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly, when I play a dope melody”

Oh, shit!  Street cred all over the place.  Ice is so hard.
“Anything less that the best is a felony”

If that was true Hootie would still be in jail.
“Love it or leave it”

That is what every person does with everything.  The sky is blue Ice.  The sky is blue.
You better gain way
“You better hit bull's eye 
The kid don't play”

That is actually almost all they do.  Kids are rarely not playing or eating (or pooping).
If there was a problem 
“Yo, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it”

This is probably the best line in any song EVER.  I cannot criticize.  I can't even say that lyric, the only way to communicate it audibly is by signing it.  Try it - it's impossible.

"Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in, the Vega's are pumpin'"

Not a lot of confidence Ice, it took you two verses to get every one jumping?  And what is a Vega?  Wikipedia says it is the brightest star in the constellation Lyra so who knows.  I guess we can cut Vanilla some slack since he didn't have Wikipedia...poor bastard.
"Quick to the point, to the point no faking"

Glad you said that, I was starting to suspect some fakin'
"I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon
Burning them if they're not quick and nimble"

Not a bad line,  but can he finish a thought?
"I go crazy when I hear a cymbal"

Not even close.  Look over there - something shiny!
"And a hi hat with a souped up tempo"

What is a hi hat????  Oh, maybe he meant high hat?  Wait - still dumb.
"I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo"

Whoa, how high is he?  There's no one else singing dude.
"Rollin in my 5.0
With my ragtop down so my hair can blow”

Yea right – I do not believe you would ever jeopardize your ridiculous hair.
"The girlies on standby
Waving just to say hi
Did you stop?
No, I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block
That block was dead"

And now I will attempt to summarize.  I was riding in my convertible and saw some girls but I turned on another street with no people.  See how efficient our language can be.  Ice, you also might want to jazz up these lyrics - at least slap a Ho or something.

"Yo so I continued to a1a Beachfront Ave
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis"

I find it hard to believe they are wearing anything at all if it is less than a bikini.  Way to keep it PG-13 Ice. "Rock man lovers driving Lamborghini
Jealous 'cause I'm out getting mine"

Really Vanilla?  The guys with Lambos are jealous of you not stopping for hotties?  Really?
"Shay with a gauge and Vanilla with a nine"

A Vanilla with a nine is not threatening - possibly cute though.
"Ready for the chumps on the wall

The chumps are acting ill because they're so full of eight balls"

More chumps, you should move.   Finally a drug reference setting a record for longest into a rap without naked women and drugs.
"Gunshots ranged out like a bell"

I would say shots sound slightly more menacing than bells although maybe in Vanilla's white bread world of violence they play bells all up in each other's faces!  BOOM!
"I grabbed my nine
All I heard were shells"

I thought you already had your nine?  I found a flaw in the matrix! 
"Fallin' on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car, slammed on the gas
Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed"

Isn't this the same street that was empty?  Why didn't everyone go towards the street with the almost nude ladies?  I'm getting frustrated.
"I'm tryin' to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene
You know what I mean"

Yes - the police came.  There is no other way to take that. 
"They passed me up, confronted all the dope fiends"

That makes sense because from what I just read you got shot at and ran away in your car.
"Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it"

How hard did Ice push to get the word 'heed' out of his rap?  I guarantee that delayed production 6 months.
"My town, that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
'Cause my style's like a chemical spill"

Like a chemical spill? Environmentally horrific and potentially lethal to any living things.  Not cool Ice.
"Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed"

How could we not hear them - you are shouting.
"This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade, slice it like a ninja"

I will never NEVER speak ill of a ninja reference. 
"Cut like a razor blade so fast
Other DJ's say, "damn""

Whoa - they actually said damn!?!  That's heavy bro. 
"If my rhyme was a drug
I'd sell it by the gram"

I'm sure you would be more than happy to price it out by the pound. 
"Keep my composure when it's time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice"

First known reference to purple drank?  Ice was way ahead of his time. If there was a problem
Yo, I'll solve it!
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
“Yo man, let's get out of here
Word to your mother”
Second best line, not in song, but in English.

"I don't taste the vanilla but I will keep tasting."