Lyrical Lies - U Can't Touch This

This column will strip away the catchy instrumentals and analyze the ridiculousness of the lyrics in popular songs.  I understand it is taking things to the extremes, but that's what I do - I go to extremes.  I am not going to comment on repeating lines or verses other than to occasionally note how much repetition there is in all songs.  In this addition, we take on our childhood and realize what is behind the song we have heard/sang hundreds of times.  Remember this is a rap song so the lyrics are coming fast and furious, also there are a lot of lyrics.

Song:   U Can't Touch This
Artist:  MC Hammer

First off, that is the actual title with a "U" instead of a "You".  How far ahead of the curve was Hammer?  He was text rapping back in 1990 - impressive!  I assume it will only be a few more years until Hammer pants are totally cool.

"You can't touch thisYou can't touch thisYou can't touch thisYou can't touch thisYou can't touch this"I only left this in to get you right into the annoyingness.  I will spare you the rest of the repeats but he uses it 28 times!!! Lyrical crutch?  I think so.
"My, my, my music hits me so hard"Like by a piano?"Makes me say "Oh, my Lord""A reasonable reaction...for a 60 year old lady.  Isn't he a rapper?  Shouldn't he be saying "what the fuck!"?"Thank you for blessing meWith a mind to rhyme and two hype feet"We all pray and pray for those hype feet - So useful.
"It feels good, when you know you're down"Confusion.  Down like  "Yo, I'm down with that?"  Down with what? I do not understand."A super dope homeboy from the Oak townAnd I'm known as such"Again with the old lady or 12 year old boy reference - only those two demographics have ever said "super dope homeboy".  I wonder if Hammer is a joke in the hood even when he blew up?"And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch"Agreed.
"I told you, homeboy"Really?  You haven't actually said anything other than where you are from and you like your own song."Yeah, that's how we living and you know"How?  Again - you haven't said anything about how you live.  Is there another earlier part of the song?  Wait - did you do another song other than this one!?!?
"Look at my eyes, man"Ten bucks says you never revisit this line and it won't make any sense after I read the next line."Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics"WINNER!
"Fresh new kicks, advance"Advance?  Are there levels of kicks?  Did Hammer level up?"You gotta like that, now, you know you wanna danceSo move, outta your seatAnd get a fly girl and catch this beat"OK, that part actually does make me want to dance.  Good call, Hammer.
"While it's rollin', hold on"Holding on is the opposite of the dancing you have been telling us to do."Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's goin' onLike that, like that"No one knows how to pump it.  For Hammer to assume that everyone is doing it right is absurd.  Come on, Hammer.
"Cold on a mission so fall them back"Alright - I get it.  You are just messing with us now - I mean no one knows what that was - did Hammer just have those word refrigerator magnets and just mess them up and pick out eight of them?"Let 'em know, that you're too much"This is the only thing I agree with you on Hammer - you are too much."And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch"

"Yo, I told youWhy you standin' there, man?"You said hold on because it's rolling"Yo, sound the bell, school is in, sucka"Whoa - great song-ending line.  Drop the mike, Hammer!
"Give me a song or rhythm"Wait - not the end?  Give you a song?  You have been droning on for a few minutes. "Makin' 'em sweat, that's what I'm givin' 'emNow, they knowYou talkin' about the Hammer, you talkin' about a show"We know you are the Hammer - no one else in the world throughout history dresses like that.
"That's hype and tight"What is?  Please use more nouns next time."Singers are sweatin' so pass them a wipe"A wipe?  Who uses wipes for sweat?  They make a specific thing for that - it's called a towel. "Or a tape, to learnWhat's it gonna take in the nineties to burn"Oh, awkward.....you ensured that your song will always be dated.
"The charts? Legit"What charts?  You do know we don't hear your inner monologue, right?"Either work hard or you might as well quit"Way to be a role model, Hammer!"That's word because you know"I don't know but maybe know I learned a valuable piece of advice."You can't touch this, you can't touch this"Nevermind.
"Break it downStop, Hammer time"Is what's coming up "Hammer Time" or was that before?
"Go with the funk, it is saidIf you can't groove to thisThen you probably are dead"Nothing to say there - this is a 100% true statement.
"So wave your hands in the air"Like we don't care - or are we caring?  The 90's were confusing."Bust a few movesRun your fingers through your hair"Oh - like Bieber.  I am convinced the Hammer has no street credit what-so-ever.
"This is it, for a winnerDance to this and you're gonna get thinner"That's just calories out being more than calories in.  He should have added something about combining the dancing with a balanced diet."Move, slide your rumpJust for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump"Nothing like seeing your middle school crush gyrating trying to figure out how to do the bump bump bump. (DISCLAIMER: This is a thought I had in middle school and only about girls older than I was at any point in my live.  No pervert.)
"You better get hype, boyBecause you know you can't"So you want us to try something you know we can't do - pretty messed up, Hammer."Ring the bell, school's back in"School was already in - you said the bell rang.
"Break it downStop, Hammer time"Go. Stop. Stop. Go.  Make up you mind.
"Every time you see meThe Hammer's just so hype"That is true - unfortunately no one has seen you in 20 years."I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mic"Wait, Magic Mike!?!?  Is Channing Tatum on this track?
"Now why would I ever stop doing this?"Because you only hit once and the money dried up leaving you with the same bills but no income.With others makin' records that just don't hit"I've toured around the world, from London to the Bay"London is close to a bay, so I'm sure that may not be that wide of an expanse.  We may need some fact checkers."It's "Hammer, go Hammer, MC Hammer, yo, Hammer""Wow- really originaly nicknames.And the rest can go and playMore like playing a rapper.  Boom.