Death to Board Shorts

Somewhere back in the "ought's", guys thought it would look really cool to wear really long swim suits.  Surfers did it, and if adrenaline junkie high school drop outs with no life plans do something, Abercrombie and the rest of America does it too.  As a symbol of peace, I will give you the offering that board shorts can look good.  Now, onto why they are devil clothes:

• Board shorts are not for anytime, they are for boarding. It is right there in the name! You wouldn't wear baseball pants to a restaurant....or would you?
• They are too long.  Other than lounging around modeling for pictures you cannot do any running around. There isn't enough give to bend down and play in the sand.  You are basically a mummy from the waist down.
• They have velcro.  What the hell - is this the '80s?  Every time you take a piss it is a bathroom full of dudes with that ripping velcro sound - it is very off-putting (that's why I just pee in the ocean).
• Too many floral patterns.  Chances are if you have board shorts half of them have flowers.  Take it easy with that bros.  Pastels OK, flowers not OK.
• Girls look good wearing almost any of your clothes - there is just something inherently sexy about it.  Not board shorts - they look super awkward and are even worse than capris.

Guys, let's not get too creative - stick with regular swim trunks.  They are timeless, classic, and you can do all your beaching activities in them.  If there is a doubt, I would go full European before board shorts.  Hey Hey! Rainbows 4 Life.

"Seriously guys, no homo.....ok, this is full homo."