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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Sequels, Prequels, and More - Part 13

Another look at Hollywood's hilarious concept of upcoming movies, meaning that they have run out of ideas and they can only come up with another round of prequels, sequels, and remakes and nothing original.  In this case, we will be looking at all of the video games that are in production to become movies:

  • Mrs. Doubtfire 2 - Ah yes, Hollywood's new favorite thing to do, make a sequel to a movie that came out over 20 years ago.  Do we need another Mrs. Doubtfire?  Doubtful (see what I did there).  Will we get one?  Of course we will and it will suck.
  • Ouiji - Yup, they are making a movie based on that stupid board game, the Ouiji Board.  I can only assume this will be some crappy horror movie where the board actually works for once and not because some dumbass is moving that thing around.
  • Peeps - You are probably asking "What are peeps? You don't mean those terrible tasting Easter candies, do you?".  Yes, fine reader, I do mean those terrible tasting Easter candies.  Hollywood is actually making a movie about those terrible tasting Easter candies.
  • Minecraft - How exactly do you make a movie based on a video game where you mine stuff and build stuff?  I honestly don't know but I can't wait to see how badly Hollywood fails.
  • Expendables 4 - Damn it!  Why!  The first one sucked, the second probably sucked, and the third one hasn't come out yet but it will suck too.  You can't understand what any of the over-the-hill actors are saying which means these movies are really nothing but explosions and fight scenes.  Stop it already. 
  • ExpendaBelles - Okay, I might be on board with this only because it will be scantily clad woman who you can't understand and who fight with explosions in the background.  Will I see it before it comes on TNT?  Nope, but I might just watch it when it does.  Might.
  • Power Rangers - Who in the hell is the demographic here?  Everyone that watched this show when it was on the air is married with kids and I doubt they give a shit about these guys anymore.  So who's bright idea was it to make a movie today?
  • Transporter 4 - I read somewhere that this is going to be a prequel.  How exactly can you make a prequel for a movie like this?  Do they just show the transporter driving cars without everyone trying to kill him?  Are they going to try and make Jason Statham look young?  Because if they cast someone else, I really doubt anyone will go see this.
  • Godzilla 2 - All I will say is that I hope they actually show Godzilla fighting a lot more in the sequel and don't wait until an hour and a half into it like the first one.  I actually liked the first Godzilla, so for the first time in this article, I'm giving this movie my stamp of approval.
  • National Treasure 3 - Hasn't Nick Cage proven by this point that his career is in the shitter?
  • Cliffhanger Reboot - How do you reboot a movie that wasn't a franchise?  No idea, but Hollywood is dumb enough to try and call it a reboot and not a remake.  Idiots.
  • Now You See Me 2 - I watched the first one recently and it had a pretty cool twist ending.  However, if you go back and watch it again, not a damn bit of it makes sense after knowing the twist, therefore, a sequel is going to be even more confusing with an equally stupid twist and I hate Hollywood for this decision.

"Hollywood is going to make a movie based on these things.  How much cocaine did someone snort before agreeing to this?"

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