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Friday, May 3, 2013

Extinct Animals

I was randomly reading a National Geographic the other day while at the doctor's office when I stumbled upon an interesting article.  In said article, scientists are currently discussing which extinct animals they were going to bring back to life through the miracle of cloning.  On their list, they included some lame animals like the Dodo, Labrador Duck, a crappy seal, and some kind of woodpecker (hehe), but they also listed a couple cool animals to bring back like the Sabre-toothed Cat, the Woolly Mammoth, and the Tasmanian Tiger.

With such an experiment going on, I had to get in on this.  Here is my list of extinct animals I want brought back from the land of the dead (you may notice that most of the animals I want back are terrifying, I have no explanation for that, so don't ask):
  • Stegosaurus - this guy was my favorite dinosaur as a kid, so having the chance to hang out with one could only mean good things for me.  I would name him Chappy and we would go around crushing cars like a monster truck.  It would be glorious.
  • Titanboa Cerrejonensis, Giant Snake - there is no real reason to bring this monster back to life other than to allow it to take care of Jennifer Lopez like that Anaconda should have done in the first place.  I really don't like her.
  • Sabre-Toothed Cat - we would have to find a way to cross-breed this thing with a regular house cat, that way we would have miniature Sabre-Toothed Cats running around, which would be beyond awesome.
  • Arctodus Simus, Giant Bear - this thing can grow to about 14 feet tall and weigh over 2,000 lbs and would make movies involving bears that much cooler.
  • Irish Deer - I picked this guy only because its antlers width could grow to 12 feet from tip to tip and if there is anything the world needs, it's more kickass looking antlers to mount on our walls.
  • Carcharodon/Carcharocles Megalodon, Giant Shark - there is absolutely no reason to have this creature roaming the seas again....unless we could figure out a way to arm them and set them loose on America's enemies.  Get on it, Department of Defense.
  • Caspian Tiger - I went to Clemson and our mascot was the tiger, therefore, having more tigers in the world is always a good thing.
  • Mamenchisaurus - this dinosaur could grow up to 50 feet long and close to 4/5ths of that was its neck.  Just think about such a freak, you know you would go and see something as cool looking as this dino.
  • Arthropleura Armata - why would you want to bring back an 8 foot long bug, you ask.  Because it gives little boys another thing to throw on little girls in the never-ending War of the Sexes and finally boys will have the leg up.
  • Gigantopithecus, Giant Ape - I want this guy back so that we can let one loose near the crew of Finding Bigfoot, that why they can finally find it, get cancelled, and America's IQ can start rising again.
  • One Tyrannosaurus Rex - yes, only one at a time.  I don't want a Jurassic Park situation happening where two male T-rexes escape and one of the two changes sexes and can multiply which cannot be good for humans.  But having a T-rex around HAS to happen, that monster is too awesome not to exist.
"You all know this picture explains exactly why having a T-Rex around would be totally worth it."

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