Reese Goes American Psycho: Can't Walk the Line Outside of Sweet Home Alabama

Two Fridays ago Reese Witherspoon was arrested for being a passenger of a drunk driver.  How is that possible you ask?  By being a stereo-typically entitled celebrity.  Let us analyze the police report shall we?

• Turns out her real name is Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon thus asserting her fake-ness right up front.
• Her hair was listed as red.  This is the best argument she has in court, I don't think her hair is or has ever been red - see mug shot below.
• They were driving a Ford Fusion with Florida plates.  WHAT!?!?!?  Why Florida?  Why a Fusion?  If you are going to commit to being a yuppie/hippie go Prius.  If you don't want to be a douche then go with a not Fusion
• The arresting officer's unit is called the nighthawks - AWESOME!
• They are very specific with their reports - the officer even noted that her husband was chewing mint gum.
• I don't think you should get in trouble for wanting to get out of a Ford Fusion - who can blame her.
• I like the drunk thinking that her husband decided doing the sobriety test on the street wasn't working  but if he did it on the sidewalk he would ace it.
• Of course she dropped the "Do you know who I am?".  Perfect.
• I cannot believe that the cop didn't let them go when she explained to him that they were American citizens - that is usually an automatic out.
• I thought it might turn a little sexy when this happened: "I put my hands on Mrs. Witherspoon's arms to arrest her".
• Now comes the part getting lost in this story. The official government issued breath alcohol test device is....... The Intoxilyzer 5000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How great is that!?!  No go on your way with a smile on your face.

"She did not blink, her eyes just never opened."