Dream Journal Part 5

I started having the most vivid dreams a couple of years ago and decided to start writing down any that I could remember when I woke up in a Dream Journal.  Like all dreams, they are pretty damn weird, but my dreams are also hilarious.....but still weird.  Here are a couple of those dreams:

• The only thing I remember about this dream is that I'm in my dad's new car and it came with a really weird new feature - EVERY window had its own windshield wiper.
• I'm leaving the opera for some reason with a lady friend and find out that in this dream world, everyone rides dinosaurs instead of driving cars.  On the way home, we pull our stegosaurus named Chappy up to a red light and our jerk neighbors pull up beside us on their shinny new T-Rex.  After talking some shit, I tell Chappy to kick their dino-car's ass, which he promptly does.
• I'm supposed to play golf with my buddy BP at the Atlanta Athletic Club but he doesn't show and I play anyways.  On the 5th hole I hear a commotion and go to investigate only to find a game show happening in the caddy shack.  Before I know it, it's my turn to play and before I can answer my first question, some other guy yells out the answer (which I would have gotten wrong because I thought the answer was Breckin Meyer, I don't remember what the question was).  Somehow I still win and my prize is a Taylor Made 3-wood but when they give it to me, it turns out to be a crappy old Taylor Made Burner driver.  BP suddenly shows up and we finish the round.  Then I woke up.

"I must have been watching this episode of Futurama before I went to bed that night."

Dream Journal Part 4

I started having the most vivid dreams a couple of years ago and decided to start writing down any that I could remember when I woke up in a Dream Journal.  Like all dreams, they are pretty damn weird, but my dreams are also hilarious.....but still weird.  Here are a couple of those dreams:

• I'm in a police station and see this old lady sharpening a knife with a crazy look on her face.  I ran up some stairs to warn the cops and run into Debra Morgan (Dexter's sister from the show Dexter).  She goes to investigate but the crazy lady magically disappears in front of us.  Then I woke up.
• I've been recruited to break into a German base during WWII.  I'm offered the help of a super spy by my superiors, but initially decline.  After seeing what my mission is, I ask for the help.  I meet the super spy and it's Tom Brady, however, he seems to be really clumsy.  While out on the mission, he immediately trips on a motion detector, but no one comes to investigate.  Later, as we are breaking into a warehouse, a soldier shows up.  As the soldier approaches Brady, Tom pulls out a butterfly knife and as he is attempting to stab the guy, he doesn't get the knife out properly and nails the soldier in the helmet, making a loud "clang".  Next thing we know, the soldier drops dead and Peyton Manning steps out of the shadows with a gun and says "Thought you might need more backup".  Then I woke up.

"If you are going to run into a cop, she would be the one you want to run into."

Dream Journal Part 3

I started having the most vivid dreams a couple of years ago and decided to start writing down any that I could remember when I woke up in a Dream Journal.  Like all dreams, they are pretty damn weird, but my dreams are also hilarious.....but still weird.  Here are a couple of those dreams:

• Jon Favreau calls me on my Kindle Phone (it is exactly what you imagine it is) and offers me a small recurring role on Shameless.  He says I'm perfect for the part because I'm lanky and funny.  Also, I will get to see Emmy Rossum naked and make a hilarious anecdote about bunnies.
• I'm Zach Galifianakis's campaign manager for his bid for mayor of a small lakeside town.  Rachel McAdams was also part of his staff.  I can only assume this is the plot of The Campaign 2.  That was until zombies attacked the town.  I hate zombies and the only thing I remember about this part of the dream is that the zombie attack could be stopped by closing a garden gate.
• I'm flying in a small airplane being flown by Randy Marsh from South Park.  We are flying really low and Randy worries we will be hit by a tornado.  Then all of the sudden we are in Las Vegas and Randy crashes.  Then I wake up.

"Just watch Shameless and you can see Emmy naked, too."

Dream Journal Part 2

I started having the most vivid dreams a couple of years ago and decided to start writing down any that I could remember when I woke up in a Dream Journal.  Like all dreams, they are pretty damn weird, but my dreams are also hilarious.....but still weird.  Here are a couple of those dreams:

• I'm a New York Yankee with 398 career home runs.  My teammates Jayson Werth has 399 homers and Mark Teixeira also has 398 home runs.  Tex and I both get homers in our first at-bats.  Later in the game, Tex gets his 400th as does Jayson Werth.  I then have a chance to make history by getting back-to-back-to-back 400th career homers, but instead leg out an infield single which gives me a cycle for the game.  Then I woke up.
• I'm in my sophomore year in college at Clemson and get a pot-luck roommate.  Somehow I get the same guy I roomed with freshman year (a guy I haven't talked to since freshman year because it didn't go well).  Later, I am on way back from class and see Eric (he lived on our hall) who was setting up for a comedy show and he tells me he is really nervous.  I give him some advice along the lines of "get that first laugh and all will be fine".  During the show, my dad shows up and we wrestle.  Then I woke up.
• I'm attacked by helicopters and Halle Berry's Catwoman saves me.  Then I steal an assault rifle from a guy in mid-air and shot that guy.  That's all I remember, but it was awesome.

"Thanks, Halle Berry."

Dream Journal

I started having the most vivid dreams a couple of years ago and decided to start writing down any that I could remember when I woke up in a Dream Journal.  Like all dreams, they are pretty damn weird, but my dreams are also hilarious.....but still weird.  Here are a couple of those dreams:

• I am a player in a Borderlands Death Match (it's an awesome video game, look it up) and my teammates are my brother and some other guy.  The arena is a big square with a raised perimeter accessible by two staircases on opposite sides of the room.  Our opponents are Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, and her fat sister.  I immediately go up a staircase and the two (whore) sisters try to take me out because they are dumb and don't understand I have the upper ground.  I blew their heads off with one bullet.  Then I woke up.
• I'm chasing the Hulk for some dumb reason and wind up in a yoga studio.  As I am about to continue the chase, a tall hot blond asks me if I would help her stretch.  After helping her stretch one of her legs, she goes to switch legs then does some sort of crazy ninja-like move that results in her locking me up with her legs.  That's when she reaches for my balls and squeezes.  I then woke up like how you wake up as if you were falling in a dream except in my case, my balls actually hurt when I woke up.

"What in the hell did I think I was going to do when I caught up with this guy?"