Why Isn't This Standard - TV Music Channels

What better background for the holidays than some nice soothing Christmas music.  For those that don't want to hook up some speakers or aren't good with gadgets, the best way to do that is through the music channels on most every cable provider.  You have accidentally put in the wrong channel before and stumbled upon them and then scrolled through the selection - there are tons, Comcast has 45!  They have some set year-round but they do change some of them depending on what is popular or what season it is.  For Christmas, they should have four or five channels, an oldies, newer, all covers, classic songs, etc.  Hell, they could even go with Country Christmas, Pop Christmas, Rock Christmas, etc.  But no - there is ONE Christmas channel - out of 45!  Radio Stations do research on this stuff and all of those bastards play Christmas music starting at Thanksgiving.  Take a hint cable - more holiday music.  I would argue if you have 45 music channels you should have a Christmas music one year round.  Why not, that has to get more views than the 8th Mexican pop station.  Get it together cable - I expect more out of you next year.

"Keep it classic."

Why Isn't This Standard - Internet Voting

What year is it?  If you guessed any time after 2000 then you may wonder why the United States doesn't already allow internet voting.  Al Gore gave us the great gift of the worldwide web and he wanted us to use it for good - like porn and voting!  We have mastered one, now onto the next - internet voting.

I think a lot of the younger generations would be much more likely to vote with this option.  Who wants to go out in the rain, or the cold, or the rainy cold to stand in line with a random cross-section of America to push some buttons.  It's basically like forcing you to be in an outdoor Walmart.  There is a reason people willingly avoid lower prices to not go to Walmart - it's because that's where the general public hangs out.  And good luck if you can actually find your polling location - even if you find the right school or church you still have to figure out the right building or room to go to which leads to a bunch of people wandering around a school - super creepy.

Another voting issue is that other than the really big guns, no one really knows what the candidates' platforms are which means most people are funneled only to vote based on the R or the D by their names.  What if, on the official US voting website, each candidate got to make a 90 second video that you could watch before voting?  At least then you would have some viable research option that is easy to access - a few minds might be changed at the voting booth.  Take it a step further - what if you HAD to watch each video?  More informed voters cannot be a bad thing.

The main worry about internet voting is hacking.  I am not an expert so I don't know how to fix that, but the cost of using all the polling centers across the nation and the collecting and the counting processes has to make up some of that cost.  Plus, who do you trust more - a security encryption internet voting model designed by the smartest computer geeks in the U.S.?  Or Beverly, the 90 year old who can barely see when checking your ID?

This year because of hurricane Sandy, New Jersey is allowing some people to vote online.  Let's hope it all goes well and we all get to enjoy the thrills of electing the leader of the free world while pants-less.

"If this was the ballot, I would vote for 'OF THE'."

Why Isn't This Standard - The DH

Baseball is a great game.  As seen by the steroid era bringing in tons of  fans, the game is based solely around one thing - the monster dongs!  There is one big exception to this - the pitcher.  In the NL without the DH, pitchers don't hit 3 or 4 times a game.  Why?  What's the point?  No one else on the field has to be that well rounded.  Other defensive players make a few plays a game, not every pitch.  If a pitcher spends all his time practicing his craft, why should he be punished for it by having to hit?  It doesn't make any sense, which is why the DH should be standard throughout baseball.

Pitchers hitting is not a fun thing to watch.  Best case scenario is they lay down a good bunt.  Yawn.  The two best pitchers in the NL this year have been  (arguably) Matt Cain, R.A. Dickey,  They are hitting a combined 13 for 74 with 4 RBIs, that's a .175 batting average.  Vogelsong is 2 for 29 with 21 strikeouts.  Wandy Rodriguez is 0 for 32...yikes.  Altogether, NL pitchers before the All-Star break have hit a combined 9 home runs.  9 home runs in over 1200 games.  This just goes to show that nothing good happens from pitchers hitting.  There are outliers (in average, not in power) but hey, if you have a pitcher that can hit then let him hit.  That would make it even more unique to ever see a pitcher bat.

Sometimes teams don't even want their pitchers to swing.  They all save their arms for pitching because...well...they're pitchers.  If they do get a hit do you really want your ace out there running the bases making injuries that much more likely?

When baseball was in the Olympics they used.....just kidding, no one cares.  Baseball is America's national pastime and we do what we want.

There are a few sad people that get way too into pitchers' hitting stats.  This website even discussed the Braves pitchers' BABIP.  The deep blogs are the only ones that care.  John Q. 99% public just want to see monster dongs.  The AL knows this and because they have the DH, they can overpay and/or give guys longer contracts because when a player can't move anymore, the team can just move that guy to the DH.  This lets the fans enjoy great players a few years longer.

I think we can agree that there needs to be one rule for all of baseball.  No one should gear their team towards their league's rules only to have to follow other people's rules just because Justin Verlander started nailing Kate Upton right before the All-Star game.  So do the right thing MLB, add the DH everywhere. Better yet, fire Bud Selig then add the DH.

" I have always liked twins. "

Why Isn't This Standard - Visitor's Tax

There are a lot of countries out there - just look at a map.  Many of these countries have special monetary deals just for being a member of their country.  Discounts are offered on everything from food to alcohol to cars.  From the extensive research I have done (none) to the many experts I have talked to (two friends), it seems African countries are the ones that are perpetuating this scam.  It sounds like a joke, but a vacationer and a local walk into a bar, order the same drinks, and the local will sometimes save 90% (in Eritrea)!!!!!!!!!  This would seem like a genius way to raise money for your country without stealing it (taxes) from your citizens.  Where can you think of that has an economy that isn't so hot and needs money but doesn't want to raise taxes?  Who would complain?  It's a no-lose proposition.

Other countries also charge a departure tax.  Don't know what that is?  That's a tax to LEAVE their country.  Can't pay to get out?  Then you will have to pay to stay in.  I have paid $50 for this luxury.  Another huge profit generator.  According to the internet, over 50 million people visit the US every year.  I say we charge them $20 each for the trouble of stopping and giving them directions and furthering stereotypes.  That is One Billion extra revenue a year.  BOOM.  Done.  Do I want to be president?  Not really, but everyone says I should be with all these ideas.

America must do this.  You appease anyone not wanting taxes raised and you appease anyone who wants to deter foreigners (the South).  Who doesn't fit into those categories?

"I only accept cash up front for directions, you Frenchy.  You don't like that, then my sister/wife here will give you free directions to Hell."

Why Isn't This Standard - Magazine Subscriptions

Finally, some peace and quiet.  Time to open up a good magazine and read about how to make a bong out of an apple and look at hot chicks......and clean up this absurd mess!  If you just opened a new magazine, you just got at least four or five index card sized sheets for a subscription on your floor.  Do the magazine companies really think that will make someone subscribe?  For that matter, if they knew you would buy every new issue they would probably rather you buy it off the rack for 5 times more than a subscription - I would have to imagine that would be worth sacrificing the subscription numbers they pitch to advertisers.

Does anyone that would buy a magazine not realize that you can get a subscription to any magazine?  And if that is the case how would you go about it?  I (meaning the world) would Google it.  Having shit fall out of my magazine just makes me pissed at the magazine.  Recently this led me to buying Bicycling Magazine electronically - if that is what they are after then congrats, it worked.  I guess I might understand ONE piece of paper to get people to subscribe - there are still a lot of people who haven't figured out the World Wide Wow yet, but why would you pay to put more than one in your mag?  There should only be ONE fall-out ad, not 12.  There should be a law against this - it's harassment.  It's the same thing as a debt collector calling you a million times.

There is one more aspect of this that sucks and you probably only think about it when it happens but it is horrible.  It isn't enough for these magazines to put 12 cards that fall out in there, but they also put one full page (which is just 2 more cards that you can tear out) that is extra thick so whenever you go back to look at something you ALWAYS go to that stupid page.  I was looking for the home brewing recipe page, jackasses, not how to spend $15 to be annoyed 12 more times this year.

Something must be done about this egregious breech of personal property.  Maybe if you subscribe already your issues don't have any subscription cards in them.  Otherwise, go digital.

"Why are the pages stuck together?"

Why Isn't This Standard - Locking Gas Caps

In times of people fearing big government, occupy movements, and increasingly violent or at least over-active protests; why would you want someone to have such easy access to your car's gas tank?  It's like saying, "Hey - are you in need of an in-animate object to project your frustrations on?  Don't want to use your own car so you won't have to pay for a cab?  Want an easy way to at least annoy or at most kill someone?  Well step right up!"  Here are some possible things that could happen if you do not have a lock on your gas tank:

• Super Worst Case Scenario:  Some gross guy opens your gas cap and literally has sex with your car.
• Worst Case Scenario:  Step 1:  Light anything on fire. Step 2:  Drop thing on fire down gas tank. Step 3:  Snoopy walk your way back home and cry.
• Middle Case Scenario:  Messing with a car is quite possibly the easiest way to inflict anger and financial pain on someone.  You have to buy sugar, no problems there, and twist a cap.  Easy!  You have just ruined someone's week with using little money and even less effort.  Eventually they will figure out what is ailing their car and after $200 they are on their merry way.  A little too serious for a prank, you will get your point across and probably start a mini-war.
• Best Case Scenario:  You lock your car doors even when there is nothing in it except candy wrappers and $4 sunglasses, but the "door" to a free tank of gas which retails for around $50.00 US is wide open.  That doesn't make sense.
• Super Best Case Scenario:  Some hot guy opens your gas cap and literally has sex with your car.

The cost of a locking gas cap is about $15.  Now that you have read this you are probably at least a tiny little bit worried, so take care of that uncertainty and get a lock, son.  And car companies, make sure this comes with all new cars - how mad would you be if your car is ruined so easily by some jackass just because Big Auto wanted to save $15.

"Did you want me to pump it for you?"

Why Isn't This Standard - Deodorant

You use deodorant every day.  You probably have to buy it way too often.  Ever run out of it?  Ever think you should "stock up" on it because you use it all the time?  If you are a guy then the answer is "yep".
You shouldn't be buying anything in bulk - if you do then your VW beetle probably needs washing.  A stick of deodorant is usually a MAXIMUM of 4oz which fills up maybe half of the container. WHY?  It would seem the manufacturers are screwing over customers by not maximizing their containers.  They are already making full size containers - why not fill them.  Every guy would surely pay more per ounce for a larger amount of deodorant.  News to big companies - America will pay to be lazy and not have to go to the store more often.  On top of all that, the other positives are you can get some of the go-green lady-men in on it by advertising it as a more environmentally friendly option since there will be less trash.

If I were a big deodorant company (on a side note I bet their offices smell awful - you might like the smell right when you go in but for 8 hours a day for your whole life - holy shit) I would use other huge companies' market research (Dr. Pepper 10) and make a man deodorant.  If anything EVERY guy is getting this for Christmas, who doesn't think a giant deodorant stick is awesome?  You cannot feel like more of a man than getting ready to bird dog chicks by lubing up your pits with a pound of deodorant.

Sounds like a good idea if only I could come up with a name?  Man-odorant!  Pound-odorant!  Done.  You are welcome Old Spice, Degree, Right Guard, etc.

"Smell is the only deterrent to cave women"

Why Isn't This Standard - Gutters

Here is a new segment we are going to start where Alexatgt wonders why certain things in life don't come standard:

Frustrations are a part of our lives.  Most of these have been overcome and solved by our forefathers.  For example, nothing was getting done at night – we invented lights.  When hamburgers got our hands all messy we invented hamburger buns.  Things kept floating away – we invented gravity.

With that in mind, ponder this.  There comes a time in most people’s lives when they live in/own/maintain a home.  This experience leads inevitably to frustrations.  There are so many things that can go wrong and so many small tasks that have to constantly get done – cleaning, raking, sweeping, etc.  Among those annoying chores is, if you live near trees, cleaning gutters.  This may be the worst chore of them all.  You have to sweep the roof off which makes you feel stupid while you are doing it.  Then you have to scrape all the crap stuck to the gutters.  Next, you get to attempt to pull everything out of the gutter and throw it on the ground keeping in mind that gutters in general are about 3 or 4 inches wide so they aren’t made for human hands.  All of those things wouldn’t even be that bad if you didn’t have to try and complete them on a ridiculous incline!  Finally after all of that work, its time for a nice cold drink….. oh, wait – now there are a bunch of leaves and shit on the ground you have to sweep up.

This process has to happen at least three times a year, probably more or you will start growing stuff in your gutters or your house just looks like ass.  As mankind does, we have to come up with a solution – gutter guards.  They are simple, cheap, and easy to put in.  They let water through while keeping leaves and stuff out – problem solved.  Now the enigma – why don’t ALL houses come with gutter guards?  This stuff is not that expensive, especially considering the percentage of the cost of the home.  Hell, they are cheap even just considering home upkeep costs.  Let's break it down for you, first, here are the negatives:

• You wouldn't have the chance to see your neighbor fall off of a roof because they are way too old/out of shape to be up there in the first place and thereby compromising your potential YouTube fame.
• Less chances to pop your shirt off and impress the neighbors.
• That's it.

And now for the positives:

• You WILL sell your house quicker because of the added value.  Any man that has had to clean gutters before, even once, will put a ton of importance on not having to do it ever again.
• The home will give off a more luxurious feel.  You put in real hardwoods instead of fake, real granite instead of fake, why not add gutter guards?  That is probably one of the cheaper upgrades you can add to a home.
• Less work.  No more climbing on the roof.
• No animal problems.  Rats and squirrels love hiding and hanging out in gutters with tons of shit in them.  Then they get bored and chew stuff and get inside your house.
• No foundation issues.  Gutters are there to get water away from your foundation.  Clogged gutters don’t do their job which, in time, could compromise your foundation or cause flooding.

In summary, next time you have to clean your gutters, clean them out, then immediately go to Lowe's and get some gutter guards so that you never ever have to do it again.  After cleaning them out you will have more than enough motivation to spend the money.

THERE ARE NO GOOD GUTTER PICTURES ON THE INTERNET.  HALF NAKED GIRLS DO NOT POSE WITH GUTTERS OR GUTTER GUARDS.  THIS MAY BE A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX WE MUST FIX.  I WILL CONTACT THE PROPER AUTHORITIES.  So instead, here is a guy falling off a roof.

"WWWHHHEEEEEE!!!!!"