Brainfart's Olympic Thoughts

The Olympics are over and the good guys (that would America) won the most medals, England put on a good show, and we learned that badminton is an Olympic sport for some reason.  Well, here are some other things that Brainfart took away from the games:

• Other than the cool video with the Queen and Daniel Craig, the Opening Ceremonies were kind of lame.  Then again, the Beijing Opening Ceremony was ridiculous and there was no way London was going to live up to that.
• American sprinter Tyson Gay ran the 100 meter sprint in 9.80 seconds, which would have won him the gold medal in every Olympics except this year and in 2008 (Usain Bolt is really fast), yet he didn't even medal in this year's event.
• I have gone over this before, but women's field hockey players are insane hot.
• Did anybody see a fencing or archery overtime?  In archery, if the match ended in a tie, there was a one arrow shoot-off where the closest to the center won.  I found that crazy, but not as crazy as fencing overtime.  In the team fencing event I watched, the two teams competed for 30 minutes which (obviously) ended in a tie and went to sudden death overtime.  In sudden death, the first fencer to score a touch won.  I found that absolutely crazy awesome.
• The Chinese won the second most medals and yet every Chinese "athlete" I saw looked so unathletic, but then again, ping pong and badminton are Olympic sports and they raked it in those events.
• They could have picked a better color than that official Olympic purple-ish they used.  It especially looked strange all over the walls of Wimbledon.
• Apparently, archery is really popular this year.  The reason behind this is The Hunger Games movie, you know, the movie where kids kill each other for sport.  Tween girls are so stupid.
• Unfortunately, I found out that Hope Solo is not Han Solo's daughter.  It turns out that her dad's name is Jeff.  However, he was con man/swindler, so maybe Han just changed his name when he came to Earth.  My fingers are crossed.
• I found it weird that sprinters have such jacked upper bodies, what do large biceps have to do with running really fast?
• The closing ceremonies would have made anyone feel like they had ADD - too much.
• Once the PGA Championship started, I stopped caring about the Olympics.  And that takes into account that it's golf and the final round was boring once Roy McAvoy (or is it Rory McIlroy?) pulled away.

"What I wanted give to be in the middle of that celebratory hug."

NOKW - The Avengers

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Avengers

Basic Plot:  A rage monster, demi-god, super-armored drunk, huge muscled captain, arrow-shooting guy, and a hot chick in tight leather fight another demi-god and his army of aliens in order to save the planet.  Also, this movie has the funniest scene in any comic book based movie ever.  Without giving anything away (and to those who have seen it), it involves The Hulk and Loki.

(If you haven't seen this movie, then SPOILER ALERT!!!!)

I'm Okay With:  The fact that some chick (Black Widow) and a dude (Hawkeye) with no discernible special abilities, and Captain America to a certain extent, being of any use in a fight against aliens and their superior technology and flying thingys.  The fact that The Hulk gets mad and turns into the giant green rage monster for absolutely no reason while the whole team is on that flying good guy aircraft carrier like thing.  The fact that basically six people (three of which were worthless) held off an army of hundreds, if not thousands, of aliens and a bunch of their armored flying worm monsters.  The fact that those armored flying worm monsters could fly despite not having any sort of way to stay in the air nor were they able to propel themselves forward.  The fact that it took Hawkeye a blow to the head, detox drugs, and many hours to get over Loki's spell, but it only took Bootstrap Bill (that doctor guy who was also in the Thor movie and played Bootstrap Bill in the PotC movies) a slight bonk to the melon to come out of the same spell.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Thor was able to show up on Earth at all in this movie.  If you saw the Thor movie (and I don't blame you if you didn't), then you know that at the end of the movie, the magic portal in Asgard that allows Thor to travel between worlds is destroyed and Thor can no longer go visit Natalie Portman's fine ass.  So, if that portal is destroyed and Thor has no way of traveling to Earth, then how in the hell did he conveniently show up on Earth in order to help stop his brother's evil plan to destroy our planet?  It's true that Loki was able to come to Earth, but he used that magic cube thingy.  But Thor didn't because at that point of the movie, the magic cube was in the possession of the bad guys.  So, how did Thor get there?  I feel like they could have had at least one simple sentence from Thor explaining that he flew the whole way or found a wormhole or used a magic wardrobe or something, but no, he didn't and we will never know how exactly he was able to find a loophole in his previous movie's plot (and since he was on Earth, why didn't he go visit Natalie Portman's fine ass?)  I am not okay with that.

"The Avengers B Squad."

Stupid State Laws - Florida

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here) and just so you know, Florida is littered with hilarious laws, so we will be revisiting this state a few more times:

Florida

"If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle."

Interesting.  Very interesting.  So, let me get this straight, some guy (maybe a gal) rode or walked their elephant to a populated enough part of Florida that they have parking meters, then they tied their elephant to a parking meter and didn't put any coins into said parking meter and another guy (or maybe a gal) had a problem with this?  Why?  How could the offended party get that upset over the elephant owner getting away without paying for parking for a freaking elephant that they complained to their local government official?  Did the elephant poop on his (or her) car?  Did this person own stock in parking meters?  Or are their just a ton of people in Florida who own elephants instead of cars and they flaunt parking meters all the time?  There is absolutely nothing about this law that makes sense unless their is a secret town of elephant owning people that we don't know about.

"Would they rather the elephants not be tied up and run around destroying stuff?  I feel like collecting a couple quarters  is worth not making such a stupid law."

Magneto

Yup, we are going to go full-on Dork today and will be discussing the X-Men villain, Magneto.  What I want to know is - how exactly does Magneto fly?  We know that he can control metal (at least, that's the gist of his mutant power) and we know that he usually flies around all over the place when doing his evil deeds or just when he is getting a beer out of the fridge.  But how exactly?  They usually portray him wearing his customary purplish costume and signature helmet.  However, only his helmet is made of metal and if that is what he is using to fly, that has to be painful and would definitely cause headaches.  So, does he use a metal belt buckle?  Grab your belt buckle right now and tell me that that makes any sense.  Are his boots made of metal?  If so, imagine you trying to fly when you are so top heavy, that can't be easy.  Does he have some sort of metal shoulder strap under that cape?  That has to chaff like hell on his armpits. Is he wearing a metal contraption that he uses like underwear?  Then his balls cannot be comfortable.  On top of that, he is old, so his joints probably ache and he has to go to the bathroom every ten minutes.  Honestly, I have no idea how he does it, but whatever it is that he is doing, it has to hurt like hell after a long day of battling Wolverine or that other worthless mutant that can shoot light out of her hands, Dazzler (seriously, that is her mutant power, shooting light out of her hands, how is that possibly useful?).  I'm sure that they explain how he does it in-depth in the actual comic books, but even if they did, I think I covered all of the possibilities and none sound promising.  Maybe he uses a combination of a bunch of metal all over his body.  But if that is the case, then flying has to use up a lot of his concentration and when fighting Beast or some other good guy, that would definitely hinder his fighting capabilities, which is never good when the guy his trying to beat can shoot laser beams out of his eyes.

"How do you do it, old man?"

Mason and the Buoys

Alright, it's Friday and I have another amusing story about my awesome nephew Mason.  My sister and the family recently enjoyed a week at the beach.  Well, while there the whole crew was in the car when they passed over a bridge and Mason spotted a buoy.  However, instead of saying the usual kid thing like "What is that, Mommy?" or "Why?", Mason said, "Hey look, it's a booby!".  And naturally, my sister and her husband busted out laughing at this comment.  Not knowing exactly why his parents were laughing (or did he?), Mason ran with it and every time he saw a buoy the rest of the week, he would yell out "Booby!" as loud as he could.  So, this became a running joke the whole trip.  At one point, this conversation happened between Mason and the dad of one of the other families:

Mason - "Mr. Mike, can I go touch the boobies?"
Mr. Mike - "Uhhh, which ones are you talking about, Mason?"
Mason - "The red boobies."
Mr. Mike - "Well, there are plenty of sunburned boobies around, so I say go for it."
Mason - "You don't want to touch them with me?"
Mr. Mike - (looks at my sister who is falling over laughing) "Maybe I should ask my wife first."

It wasn't until my sister explained to him what Mason was referring to that he finally relaxed and realized he wasn't in trouble.  The funniest buoy moment happened as they were leaving for home when Mason saw his last buoy and said, "Daddy, look, a white booby", then my brother-in-law probably swelled with pride and had a single tear rolling down his cheek and responded with a "Thatta boy."  Next week, I will tell you guys about Mason and his alligator friend, stay tuned.

"I can only imagine that Mason just saw another 'booby', that's usually how I excited I get, too."

"Stars"

I'm tired of watching TV and hearing someone refer to those slut Kardashians as TV "Stars".  Honestly, can you give me good reason that they should be considered "Stars"?  They have no talent (unless getting banged by Ray-J counts) and should not be famous if not for the fact that they gave up their dignity to have a TV crew follow them around all the time.  So, I decided that a new set of terminology should be created for the different classes of famous people.  And because we already use the word "Star", we will follow that mold and use different types of celestial objects.  Let's do this:

• Stars - this class is for the elite of the elite, they are the people that this term was originally created for and, therefore, should be the only ones that should be referred to as "Stars".  Ex:  Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks, Michael Jordan, LeBron James, Peyton Manning, etc.
• Planets - a step below the elite, they might star in movies, TV, or play sports and are fairly famous, but should never be considered "Stars".  Ex:  Mark Wahlberg, John Krasinski, Jessica Biel, etc.
• Moons - this group has the potential to be "Stars" but either they are not old enough to make that list or haven't done enough to get there yet.  Ex:  Jennifer Lawrence, Bryce Harper, etc.
• Asteroids - these people were probably famous at one point in their lives, but have fallen out of favor of the public for whatever reason.  So, basically they are floating around Hollywood looking for another big hit, just like astroids.  Ex:  Matthew Perry, Kevin Costner, etc.
• Comets - these are the people that were famous at one time or another and we hear a news story about them every decade or so, kind of like comets.  Ex:  Corey Feldman, Lindsay Lohan, Mr. T, etc.
• Space Trash - this one was specifically made for the Kardashians of the world, because they are basically trash and should be referred to as trash.  Ex:  All TV Whores and Reality Show Idiots.

Now that that is set in stone, you now know how to refer to famous people the world over.  So, don't forget to correct someone the next time they refer to Snooki as a "Star", she's not, she is just an awful excuse for a human being.

"Space Trash."

Betting On Everything

There are a lot of stupid sports or events that networks feel the need to televise for some reason.  Sometimes this crappy TV intrudes on your life when the network executives refuse to put anything good on and rely on the crap to get the ratings.  If you are forced to watch one of these events and/or are tired of Seinfeld re-runs, there is a way to make TV worth watching again - Gambling!  Wagering on ANYTHING will make it way way better.  For example, the Miss America pageant or the Home Run Derby can be wagered on.  By using a standard alternating pick draft (this should be done with each person picking a contestant and then the last person in each round gets two picks and the order reverses from there snake draft style) and by picking every contestant or player in that event, any outcome means someone is going to win!  This also prevents any chances of a tie or no one winning.  Here are the rules for a couple more examples of boring events you can bet on to make them more fun for you and your gambling-addicted buddies:

Golf
Each person picks 5 golfers per tournament in a snake draft.  After each round, add up the scores from each team using the best 4 scores out of the 5 golfers.  Add up the four days and the guy or gal with the lowest score is your winner.  For a bonus, let each person pick a bad player that another participant has to count.

NASCAR
Not too many people know more than 5 drivers, so to bet on NASCAR you go by numbers.  Everyone snake drafts numbers 0-9 or if you don't know anything about NASCAR just draw numbers out of a hat.  What's that you say?  Even with the betting you will still only get excited at the end?  That's why you give 50% of the pot to the winner, 30% for the mid way leader, 20% for the most drivers that crash out (which gives you more reasons to cheer for crashes).  This way you can have fun throughout the whole race as well as learn a little something about the driver's numbers.

Running
The issue with running is that if you do 3 minutes of research you know the 2 or 3 people that can win.  To fix that you have to bet on the winner's finishing time.  For more than 2 people you can just snake draft numbers - whoever has the last number of the finishing time wins.  For 2 people I would suggest closest to the last number of the finishing time without going over - you have to write your number down at the same time and also write down a second number in case you have the same first number.  If the second number is also the same congratulations - you are best friends!  Take a shot in celebration.

Women's Sports
Just kidding - women can't play sports.

" Always put $20 on red."