Actors Who Play Teenagers

I always find it hilarious when Hollywood tries to cast high school-themed movies or TV shows.  They always seem to cast an actor or actress who looks like they are a teenager but in reality, they are actually closer to 30 than they are 20.  The best example is the original Beverly Hills 90210.  Gabrielle Carteris (she played Andrea) was 29 years old when that show started which meant she was 39 when the show ended, you know, a show about kids in high school and yet she would have attended her 20th High School Reunion by the time that show finally over.  Hell, Luke Perry was 25 when that show kicked off.  You would think that Hollywood would have figured out a way to fix this ridiculousness, but no.  So, here are some more modern and hilarious ages of actors or actresses on high school-themed shows and movies (and no, I will not be checking every cast member of each show, just the ones that I know are way older than the character they portray):

Glee

• Lea Michelle - this manly-looking woman was already 23 when Glee's pilot hit the air and is now 27 playing a college freshman (I think that's right, I'm basing that off of the commercials, I swear).
• Cory Monteith - I assume he plays a gay guy and he was 27 during the first season.
• Mark Salling - another 27 year old (presumably gay dude).

Friday Night Lights

• Taylor Kitsch - the awesome Tim Riggins was a 25 year old playing a 16 or 17 year old.
• Zach Gilford - he was 24 while portraying a sophomore back-up quarterback.
• Minka Kelly - the hot high school cheerleader was already 26 in the first season.
• Scott Porter - you know, the guy who was paralyzed in the first episode was a 27 year old senior.

The O.C.

• Ben McKenzie - this troubled high schooler was cast with a 25 year old actor.
• Rachel Bilson - this hottie was 22 when the show kicked off.
• Adam Brody - the high school comic relief actor was 24 in the first season.

American Pie

• Shannon Elizabeth - an actress that needs to get naked more often was 26 in this high school comedy.
• Sean William Scott - Stifler was already 23 years old when cast in this movie.

Fired Up!

• Nicholas D'Agosto - this movie is actually funny despite being about a cheerleading camp, also this actor was 29 when he played a high school senior.
• Eric Christian Olsen - by far the worst offender of the group and the reason I made this post, he was already 32 years old and playing a teenager when this movie was made.

"Yeah, this guy played a high school kid only 3 years ago.  Shenanigans!!!"

The Heisman Trophy

Let me get a couple things off of my chest about this award.  Considering the Heisman Trophy is supposed to go to the best player in the college football each year, it still amazes me that the voters generally disregard that and just vote for the best player on the best team year after year.  I don't want to get into to many specifics, but if you can't tell, I think the Heisman Trophy has become irrelevant, kind of like Notre Dame football (oh wait, that trend seems to be over).  In any case, I was glad to see that the Heisman voters actually got the winner correct for the third year in a row.  Before these past three years, the voters seemed stuck in their ways with their voting philosophy, how else do you explain Mark Ingram winning in 2009 when Toby Gerhart and Ndamukong Suh were clearly better players?  And what about Eric Crouch winning in 2001?  The dude had more interceptions than touchdowns and Rex Grossman was by far the better player that season.  So it was refreshing to see the best player in the country win the award for the third year running.

And congratulations to Johnny Football (and I don't like this nickname, but I don't want to look up how to spell his last name).  However, I wish they would stop saying that he was the first freshman to win the award and how big of an accomplishment that is when he was in fact a redshirt freshman.  That means he was at least on the team for a year before becoming the starting quarterback.  And do you know who else won the Heisman after playing on their team for only one season?  Tim Tebow.  He was considered a sophomore when he won, but it wasn't like he saw significant playing time as a freshman, so he was basically a redshirt freshman when he won it.  That means that this is technically the second time a second year player has won the award and that Johnny Football's Heisman isn't as special as they are making it out to be.

Lastly, I wanted to talk the pointlessness of the coverage of the Heisman Trophy Ceremony.  Basically it is an hour-long puff piece about the nominees and the only part worth watching is the last five minutes when they reveal the (most likely wrong) winner.  Unless the Heisman Trophy is your favorite thing about college football, why in the hell would you watch the whole hour when all you really need to do is turn it on in the last couple of minutes to see who won?  Better yet, just continue watching HBO's Saturday night movie or another Two and a Half Men re-run and check the internet a couple of minutes after nine o'clock to see who won.  It's not like the winner somehow dictates the outcome of a game or anything.  So, here is my proposal to the Heisman people - if you want people to actually tune into your ceremony, announce the winner at a randomly different time each year.  That way if someone wants to see who won and generally just watches the last five minutes live, then they would have to watch the entire program because they wouldn't know when the announcement is going to be made.  Then again, that might make people even less likely to watch and more likely to just check out the online headlines later.

"While I think it's cool that Manti Te'O celebrates his Hawaiian heritage, I feel like he went a little overboard at the Heisman Ceremony this year.  Did he really need to wear a plant around his neck, too?"

A Christmas Irony

These times are times of irony.  Slapstick funny isn't funny.  Double meanings and ironic situations are funny - just ask Modern Family and Arrested Development.  This comedy has infiltrated society via t-shirts, the internet, songs, and more.  People even compete on Instagram to take the funniest most ironic pictures.  Given all that, why not extend it to the holidays?  Let's get ironic Christmas cards contest started!  We already have awkward family photos which bring joy to thousands every day, why can't you spread joy amongst your friends with some hilarious/awkward/ironic/creepy Christmas cards.  In a time in history where milking is a thing (where people pour a gallon of milk on their heads-that's it. Bam! - a million views!) surely this can turn into the biggest cool thing to do for a two-week period every year.  Don't forget to think about the future when you can embarrass your kids with ironic Christmas cards from the past.  Be a leader - start this year.  I'm so non-conformist I'm not going to conform with the non-conformists, I'll do it!

"Nailed it."

Book Review - Clovenhoof

Believe it or not, but I enjoy reading a good book now and again.  Anything from Vince Flynn to Ken Follett to Douglas Adams.  And speaking of Douglas Adams, I recently read a book that reminded me of his Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  That book is Clovenhoof by Heide Goody and Iain Grant and their book was hilarious and it had that same sense of humor that Douglas Adams conveyed in his wonderful Hitchhiker's Guide series.  For example, here is a line in the book - "Clovenhoof stopped a shelf-stacker with a left breast named Barbara".  I actually laughed out loud when I read that.  Anyways, the plot of the book is that Satan is fired from his job as that Prince of Darkness and is forced to retire to a small town in England and he loathes every minute of it.  And because he is Satan, he is a massive dick to everyone and doesn't understand even the most basic aspects of being a human, but has to learn quick because of his forced retirement.  Over the course of the book, he becomes infatuated with alcohol, learns to love credit cards, accidentally robs a bank, becomes a death metal star, and even gets a girlfriend.  Here are a couple of funny examples as to why I loved this book and as to why you should read it:

• When Satan is relocated to Earth, he is given the name Nicolas Clovenhoof and when asked if he liked it, he said the name was stupid and they might as well have called him Lou Cypher.  In the end, he picked the name Jeremy Clovenhoof but still hated that, too.
• He puts an unfinished drink on his mantle one day and leaves it there for a long time where it eventually starts to grow a mold.  When someone asks him what it is, he says "That's Herbert, he's my pet".
• Heaven conducts monthly management meetings which is attended by angels and various saints, and one of the funny things that the author does is portray that the minutes-keeper, Mother Teresa, is terribly at spelling. Trust me, it's funny.
• One of the characters works for a company called The Helping Hand Job Agency.
• During a Singles Night at a bar, Satan goes up to a woman and when asked what he did, he responded, "I like to weigh myself before and after I poo".

I'm telling you, those little snippets don't do the book justice, but they get my point across as to how funny this book really is and I highly suggest reading it.  You will thank me later.

NOKW - Robin Hood

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Basic Plot:  Robin Hood comes home to find his home burned to the ground and his father murdered at the hands of the evil Sheriff of Nottingham.  So he bands a group of vagrants together to help him overthrow Hans Gruber.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Kevin Costner abandons his pathetic attempt at a British accent fairly early on in the movie.  The fact that it seems okay for Professor Snape to murder a nobleman, oppress the shit out of his people, and ruthlessly run his land into the ground with zero repercussions from someone higher up than him on the Feudal System Chain.  The fact that a group of ruffians were able to hide in a forest so easily and were not found until someone betrayed them.  The fact that those same ruffians let some nobleman led their group especially when his only friend at that point was scary looking black wizard.  The fact that before the final battle, Little John was able to scale the wall of Nottingham Castle without being seen when two seconds later, they show guards patrolling the grounds.  The fact that when Robin and Morgan Freeman are catapulted into the Sheriff's castle, they just so happen to land on the only pile of hay in the whole place.  The fact that when King Richard (aka Sean Connery) rolls up at the end, he doesn't put Robin in jail for causing an uprising and killing a bunch of people even if it was to save Maid Marion.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the Sheriff was so obsessed with with getting married to Maid Marion instead of attempting to flee from an uprising.  That's right, Metatron (that's his character in Dogma) thought it would be a better idea to get married and bone right there in the chapel instead of escaping from an attack that was obviously not going in his favor.  Sure, men will do most anything to get some, but I'm pretty sure that his own life should have come first, then bumping uglies second.  But no, he let that crazy witch lady talk him into banging Marion and in all honesty, I'm still not entirely why sure she wanted this to happen in the first place.  Was it some sort of prophecy?  Did the witch just like seeing people do it?  Who the hell knows, but I do know that Doctor Lazarus (that would be his character in the underrated Galaxy Quest) should have gotten out of the middle of that uprising before he got his ass stabbed like he did.  I am not okay with that.

"Then again, this guy doesn't look  sane, so his actions shouldn't be held against him."

Stupid State Laws - Maine 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Maine

"You may not step out of a plane in flight."

After doing enough of these posts, I've come to the conclusion that humans are really really stupid.  Seriously, people.  If an airplane is in flight, why in the hell would you want to step out of the plane?  And if the answer is because you are so drunk that you think you have already landed, then lay off the booze.  And if it is because you are tripping your balls off, then don't take a hit of acid right before you board a flight.  It's called common sense, you stupid human race.  And for that matter, why would someone think they need to make this a law?  If someone is dumb enough to leave an airplane while in the air, I think they will be punished enough when they create a human-sized crater soon thereafter.

"Sir, you are going to have to return to your seat.  What do you mean this is your stop?  We are in flight, of course you can't leave now!  That's it, I'm calling my local bureaucrat."

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 14

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Atlanta Falcons at Carolina Panthers (+3.5)

Sunday 1:00

- The Falcons have been squeaking by everyone, even bad teams.  The Panthers played them close and should have won when they played them earlier in the year in Atlanta.  I think this game will stay close the whole game and who cares who gets the late game winning field goal.

Miami Dolphins at San Francisco 49ers (-10)

Sunday 4:10

- The Dolphins have been bad lately.  Now they lose their top offensive lineman Jake Long for the year just in time for the best defensive line in football to come calling.  The 49ers aren't going to take their foot off the gas to make sure Kaepernick is ready for stronger teams ahead.  To top it all off, the Dolphins go East Coast to West Coast which is never a good thing.

Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers (UNDER 50.5)

Sunday 8:35

- Possibly no Jordy Nelson. No James Starks.  No number 2 wide receiver for the Lions. Oh and the game will be at night in the 20's with snow.

Last Week's Results: 3-3-0

Season Results: 29-32-2