The T-Rex Bullet

Have you ever heard of the T-Rex Bullet?  I am going to assume you haven't, otherwise I wouldn't be telling you about it (plus there aren't exactly that many T-Rexs around to hunt).  Well, it is was originally made to stop head-on charges from big game.  However, it never actually proved to be any more effective than other large caliber rounds on the market, so now it is more or less the Hummer of ammunition.  Anyways, here is a hilarious video of people attempting to fire one of these bad boys and nearly blowing their shoulder out of the socket, it's pretty funny (also, that's all I've got, it's Saturday, sue me):

Mason and the Frog

It's Friday and that means another story about my awesome nephew Mason.  First off, my sister and her husband bought a house with a pool a couple of years ago and because someone has to clean it, my sister does it to keep busy.  One day, both of Mason's brothers where in school (and we will just have to assume at this point that Mason has already been kicked out of school for whatever awesome reason) and my sister was emptying the skimmers when she found a huge frog.  And because like most people, she doesn't like to touch slimy things like frogs, snakes, or anything like that, but Mason took it upon himself to grab it.  He then put it in an empty cooler, grabbed a beach chair out of the garage, and set up shop at the top of the driveway.  Why the top of the driveway you ask?  It was there that every time a car drove by, he would grab the frog and show it off with one hand and wave with the other.  Yup, he thought the world should see his new froggy friend, so he did it the only way his 5 year old mind could think of.  Now imagine that instead of a frog, it was a dinosaur.  That be more fitting of Mason, now wouldn't it?

"Mason with some other frogs he caught.  I wonder if he tried to teach them how to swim."

The Goonies vs. The Princess Bride

Which was the better movie, The Goonies or The Princess Bride?  I've had this debate with a couple of friends over the years and it always seems to be split right down the middle.  Both movies came out around the same time (1985 and 1987) and they were both awesome, so naturally, they should be compared to each other.  But which one was better?  So, let's do a breakdown:

Basic Plot

Goonies:  A group of kids go on an adventure looking for One Eyed Willie's gold in order to save their town.
Princess Bride:  Columbo tells Fred Savage a story about true love which involves pirates, Andre the Giant, and revenge on a six-fingered man.

Most Memorable Lines

Goonies:  "Hey You Guys!", "Rocky.....Road?", "That's what I said, Booby Traps!", "Sloth love Chunk".
Princess Bride:  "Does anybody want a peanut?", "Inconceivable", "As you wish", "Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die."

Pros

Goonies:  The Truffle Shuffle.  One Eyed Willy.  Sloth.  Chunk.  Booby Traps.
Princess Bride:  Andre the Giant.  The Dread Pirate Roberts.  Billy Crystal's Cameo.  Everything.

Cons

Goonies:  There is no way that group of kids would have not been killed really fast by either the booby traps or the Fratellis.  The fact that the town is saved by a couple of diamonds.
Princess Bride:  The fact that it is technically a love story.  That's all.

And the Winner is........

"Yes, you."

Also, look at that picture below.  That is Jeff Cohen, he played Chunk in The Goonies.  Yeah, I know, doesn't look anything like you would imagine a grown-up Chunk would look like.

Lyrical Lies - Boyfriend

This column will strip away the catchy instrumentals and analyze the ridiculousness of the lyrics in popular songs.  I understand it is taking things to the extremes, but that's what I do - I go to extremes.  I am not going to comment on repeating lines or verses other than to occasionally note how much repetition there is in all songs.  Get ready folks - it's Bieber time:

Song:  Boyfriend
Artist:  Justin Bieber

"If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go"
Right off the bat he lets you know - the Biebs is a clinger.  You are warned
"I can take you places you ain’t never been before"
Like R-rated movies.  But I don't like horror movies, they're scary.  And my mom won't let me see nudity which is fine because girls are yucky and have cooties.  Other than that we're good.
"Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know"
You'll never know....unless you watch TV, he;s everywhere.  After a few hours you will know.
"I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow"
Bragger (I'm jealous)
"Swag swag swag, on you"
Whoa!  You just swagged on my shirt!  Ass!
"Chillin by the fire why we eatin’ fondue"
We are having fondue by the fire?  Not on a table?  That stuff gets really hot.  I have a feeling this is going to end up worse than you swagging on me.
"I dunno about me but I know about you
So say hello to falsetto in three two"
Is is a good thing to go falsetto?  And you didn't say one.

[Pre-Chorus]
I left this in.  A Pre-chorus Justin?  Really?
"I’d like to be everything you want"
I will totally not be myself, I will be whatever you want.  That's every girl's dream...fake people.
"Hey girl, let me talk to you"
Talk.... right....
 
"If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go"
Wow - that sounds a lot like kidnapping.  Your relationship will make TMZ and CNN!  Way to hammer the smothering point him Bieber.

"Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don’t"
Great - now i have to fill out a questionnaire.
"I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe"
NO FUCKING WAY!!  He just said that.  How do you resist a line about Woody here?
"I don’t never wanna fight yeah, you already know
I am ‘ma a make you shine bright like you’re laying in the snow"
This makes no sense.  How does putting you on a pure white background make you shine?  If anything it would seem to make you look imperfect.  Come one Biebs, that's just science.
"Burr"
This is the only funny part of the song.  Solid Biebs.
"Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend
You could be my girlfriend until the ---- world ends"
Now he is making presumptions.  You have to wait for the DTR (Define the relationship).  Also, big statement to say until the world ends - that seems like a good time to stop (kind of a Mitch Headburg shout-out)
"Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and
Voice goin crazy on this hook like a whirl wind"
So now you want a stripper.  Classy.
"Swaggie."
Funny line number two.

"So give me a chance, ‘cause you’re all I need girl
Spend a week wit your boy I’ll be calling you my girlfriend"
A whole week - i would hope you are boyfriend and girlfriend - that's a long ass time with one person around all the time.  Might want to re-think this one Justin.
"If I was your man, I’d never leave you girl
I just want to love you, and treat you right"
Now this is sweet.  I wonder what he will come up with to finish this thing off?
"Na na na, na na na, na na na
Ya girl
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
 If I was your boyfriend"
Brilliant!

"This is the Bieb Squeeze"

King Kong

I probably could have done a NOKW for this post, but there is more than one thing I wanted to get off my chest about King Kong.  You see, there are a couple of things about King Kong's existence that don't make any sense to me, and here they are:

• Where Did He Come From - as we all know, humans and monkeys alike are born after their parents get it on (try and get that image out of your head, suckers).  So, in order for there to be a King Kong, there has to be mama and papa Kong.  What I want to know is, if King Kong is as large as he is, were his parents that large too or was he born with some sort of genetic defect that made him grow to that size?  You know, kind of like Robin Williams in the movie Jack, except instead of aging really fast, Kong grew really fast.
• His Environment - if King Kong is the result of two giant monkeys having monkey whoopee, then that still doesn't explain as to how his species became that big.  Let's look at some real world examples; elephants were able to evolve to their size because they had plenty of space and food.  The same can be said about whales, where they have an entire oceans worth of food to survive on.  However, King Kong would need about 7,500 pounds of food per day to live on, but he lives on a tiny island.  So, how is it possible for him to survive when his environment should have run out of stuff to eat years ago?
• His Size Is Physically Impossible - every time an animal doubles in size, its mass is multiplied by eight.  Therefore, if you factor in King Kong's height compared to regular gorillas, he would weigh roughly 60 tons, which is about 270 times the weight of a regular sized gorilla.  That amount of weight is physically impossible to be supported by Kong's frame.  He should actually be nothing but a pile of broken bones waiting to be picked off by the island's other predators.

As you can see, King Kong is one bafflingly stupid movie monster and should in no way be running around a jungle, let alone be walking at all.  Then again, Hollywood doesn't care if you believe if a monster is possible as long as the gullible public keeps buying tickets.  Those sneaky bastards.

"I don't know why he is smiling, he just broke both his legs while trying to eat you."

NOKW - Pirates of the Caribbean

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Basic Plot:  The first installment of the adventures of Captain Jack Sparrow and his crew of misfits in the Caribbean.  There are good pirates, bad pirates, cursed pirates, and the super hot Kiera Knightly.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Kiera Knightly's character is so good at sword fighting despite never having taken a lesson in her pampered life.  The fact that the cursed pirates were worried about Kiera Knightly dropping their medallion into the water at the beginning of the movie even though we later see them walking on the bottom of the sea floor, meaning they could have easily retrieved it if she dropped it.  The fact that Captain Jack is not killed on numerous occasions despite being shot at constantly.  The fact that the curse that is laid upon the cursed pirates applies to a monkey.  The fact that pirates follow a "code", when being a pirate means there are no rules.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that in the scene where the good guys have just been captured by the cursed pirates after blowing up the good guy's ship, nobody noticed Will Turner swimming from the wreckage of recently blown up Interceptor.  Turner had been trapped inside the Interceptor when it exploded while the rest of the crew was tied up on the deck of the Black Pearl surrounded by the cursed pirates, yet no one saw Turner swim over to the Pearl.  How could no one see him despite it being broad daylight and there was at least two football fields worth of water between the Black Pearl and the Interceptor?  Someone should have easily seen him coming, but instead he magically snuck up on them and then exchanged himself for the release of Kiera Knightly and Captain Jack.  If anything, a cursed pirate should have been waiting on him when he crawled up onto the Pearl, but no, those incompetent pirates missed him splashing through the water.  If they had seen him, they could have made achieving their goal way easier (even when being immortal pirates seems like a pretty good deal regardless if it was due to a curse, so why change that?).  I am not okay with that.

"I have a thing for hot British chicks."

Stupid State Laws - Alaska

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Alaska

"It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane."

First off, Alaska has a lot of weird laws concerning moose, like you can't feed them alcohol (kind of makes sense) and you can't "view" them from an airplane (are they scared of airplanes?), but this one takes the cake.  I feel like this sort of thing should fall under common sense, but apparently not.  So, that begs the question - how many times did this happen before the state had to take action and make a law about it?  And while it is considered an "offense" (what exactly does that mean?) to push a live moose from a moving airplane, is there not a law protecting the rights of dead moose?  Does this mean it is okay to throw deceased moose from moving airplanes?  I feel like that question is way more important than needing to know why it is an offense to toss live moose from airplanes onto the unsuspecting public.

"Alright, he's dead, now go start up the airplane, those Eskimos will never know what hit them!"