Red Dawn

If you didn't know, a re-make of the great 80's flick Red Dawn comes out tomorrow.  And if you are anything like me, you probably have zero interest in seeing a re-make of a movie that had such a ridiculous premise to begin with.  But that's not the point.  If you have never seen Red Dawn, then the basic plot is about the Russians successfully invading America and a group of teenagers hiding in the woods, revolting, killing some Russians, getting killed themselves, and all while yelling "Wolverines".  In the re-make, I'm assuming the plot is the same except it is the North Koreans who invade (it was supposed to be China but they changed it b/c the studios didn't want to offend such a large movie-going market. Seriously) and instead of Patrick Swayze and a young, not crazy Charlie Sheen, it stars the guy who played Thor, the guy who played Peeta from The Hunger Games, and a couple of token hotties.  Well, in a recent trailer I watched for the re-make, they show a scene where one of the stars of the movie, played by Chris Hemsworth (aka Thor and the only main actor in this movie born before the release of the original), says "For them this is just some place.  For us, this is our home".  Does anybody else find this unsettling?  If you don't, then you should know that Chris Hemsworth is Australian, so when he is referring to America as his "home", I find it disturbing because Hollywood has no worthy young American actors that can play the role of badass and they had to outsource the part to an Australian.  I know I have talked about the lack of American Action Stars before, but do you know why America has no young actors who can play a badass?  The answer - Tween girls.

Because of tween girls, Hollywood hires nothing but young, pretty-boy actors to star in all of their stupid vampire movies that the new crop of young actors are more likely to break a nail than kill a bad guy if they were holding a gun.  And because Hollywood only hires pretty boys, it seems as if the rest of America no longer cares to produce young actors who will grow up to be the next Bruce Willis or even the next Matt Damon.  Think about it.  Who are currently the top American actors under 30?  When I did a little research, I compiled a list and it wasn't pretty (well, technically it was).

• Zac Efron - three words.  High.  School.  Musical.
• Shia LeBouef - sure, he was in a couple action movies, but he was running for his life the whole time in each flick.
• Taylor Lautner - one word.  Twilight.
• Josh Hutcherson - too short (5'5), his ceiling is Tom Cruise and that's not saying much.
• Jesse Eisenberg - I actually like this guy, but he has a zero percent chance of becoming an action star.

What do all of those guys on that list have in common?  They are all pansies.  Otherwise, all of the rest of the top actors under 30 are either British or Australian.  So, because tween girls crave skinny pretty boys and Hollywood has no problem giving that to them, those dumb teenagers are directly causing the wussification of America.  And because America can't produce any young worthy action stars, Hollywood has to outsource all of those roles to foreigners.  Thanks a lot, Tweeners, you are killing the future of the American Badass.

"This is Adrianne Palicki, she is in the re-make and she is American.  USA!  USA!  USA!"

NOKW - Matrix 3

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Matrix Revelations

Basic Plot:  The final and dumbest chapter in The Matrix Trilogy and surprise, Neo somehow saves the humans from annihilation at the tentacles(?) of the machines.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that despite not being hooked into The Matrix when Neo passes out after destroying those killer flying robots with his mind at the end of the second movie, he is somehow trapped in a computer program at the beginning of the third movie.  The fact that Neo isn't able to defeat that punk-ass conductor guy, but is able to make machines explode in the real world.  The fact that Agent Smith is able to transfer his consciousness into a human mind and make his way out of The Matrix.  The fact that Carrie-Anne Moss is a "meh" at best.  The fact that the humans are able to survive without sunlight and a diet that consists of a paste-like substance that probably has no nutritional value.  The fact that when Neo is blinded, he sees the real world as if it were The Matrix code even though it is not a computer program....or is it?  The fact that people can watch Matrix code and somehow that translates into images for them.  The fact that the humans use geothermal energy to power Zion and the machines thought it would make more sense to harvest inefficient human energy opposed to also harvesting the way more efficient geothermal energy.  The fact that Agent Smith converts everyone in The Matrix into himself by the end of this movie, but the good guys don't ever see him or any of his clones again while in The Matrix from halfway through the 2nd movie until the final fight.  The fact that Neo is able to make robots explode with this mind in the real world, but doesn't bother to try something like that when fighting Agent Smith in The Matrix at the end of the movie.  The fact that I know Keanu Reeves is a terrible actor, but he still has a pretty good acting resume and I actually enjoy his films.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the machines weren't able to find the humans way earlier than they did.  Seriously, we know that the machines literally have hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of those flying killer robots that do nothing but search for humans and it still took them years to find the human city of Zion   What the hell were those robots doing this whole time?  Socializing?  No, they're fucking robots, they don't chit-chat about the weather, all they do is follow their programming and that programming is to find and kill all humans (Bender Shout-Out).  If the machines have that many flying killer robots, you would think their robot brains would have made an efficient search and destroy plan and disperse their flying killer robots accordingly.  But no, it took them way too long to find Zion and that is unacceptable to me.  Sure, the humans had scouts that would destroy any killer flying robots that got near Zion, but with that many killer flying robots disappearing in the same spot, it should have tipped off the machines that they were getting close and sent in way more flying killer robots to that area.  Machines are supposed to be soulless, logical, human-killing entities, but they somehow couldn't find the humans in a way shorter period of time.  I am not okay with that.

"Those things that are being shot at are literally thousands of flying killer robots, why couldn't they have used those to find the humans, it would have taken way shorter."

Stupid State Laws - Kansas

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Kansas

"If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed."

But that would be.....wait, what?!?  First off, I'm fairly certain that is logically impossible.  How can one train pass another if both are not allowed to move until the other one has passed?  In fact, I would love to see this situation arise just so both conductors sit there until one or the other gets the balls to break the law and pass the other one.  How is it possible for trains to get anywhere in Kansas if they all have to stop the instant they get near another train and can't pass each other according to the law?  I can only guess as to how this law came into existence.  Kansas had one lawmaker who was considered "slow" mentally and when he proposed this law, his colleagues took pity on him and let it through just so that he would feel like he accomplished something.  Afterwards, they probably gave him a lollipop and let him go outside and play.  That's the only feasible explanation behind this idiotic law.

"Considering this law was probably made before the invention of telephones, this was the usual result of such a situation."

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 11

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Arizona Cardinals at Atlanta Falcons (-9.5)

Sunday 1:00

-  The Falcons are coming off a loss but they had some errors and still scored 27 points.  That should be enough for the Falcons to cover - the Cardinals have the NFL's second worst offense averaging only 16 points a game.  With all the backup QBs playing for injured starters this week, the Cardinals still might have the worst QB in John Skelton (and sadly, he was their starter Week 1).  The Falcons have motivation to avenge their loss last week and they will slowly pile on the points while their defense handles Arizona - Falcons win by 17.

New Orleans Saints at Oakland Raiders (UNDER 54.5)

Sunday 4:10

- Time to play some weather games.  It is looking a lot like rain Sunday in Oakland which could put a damper on both team's passing game.  Even without the rain, the Saints have embraced the run game a little more lately which will help keep the score down a little.

Jacksonville Jaguars (+15) at Houston Texans

Sunday 1:00

- Plus 15!  This is the NFL - it may take a backdoor cover but no way the Texans are up for this game.

San Diego Chargers at Denver Broncos (-7.5)

Sunday 4:30

- The Broncos have quietly been crushing people.  They have scored 31 points or more in five out of their last six games with Peyton looking unstoppable.  On the other side, Rivers has been mostly a dumpster fire throwing to no one in particular and seemingly not caring which team catches the ball.  I will ride the Broncos and take Rivers turnover gifts to the bank in this match up.

Last Week's Results: 1-4-0
Season Results: 18-22-1

Heisman QB's and NFL Success

I have always found it funny how inept Heisman winning quarterbacks are when they reach the NFL, that is, if they reach the NFL at all.  Let's take a look back at the QB's that won the Heisman since 2000 and how they have fared in the big leagues:

• 2000 - Chris Weinke, Florida State (4th Round Pick by the Carolina Panthers) - considering he was 29 years old when he was drafted, he lasted longer in the league than you would have thought.  Over seven seasons, he mostly held a clipboard and not much else.
• 2001 - Eric Crouch, Nebraska (3rd Round Pick by the St. Louis Rams) - he was drafted to play wide receiver but wanted to play quarterback and because of this decision, he never played a down in the NFL.
• 2002 - Carson Palmer, USC (1st Overall Pick by the Cincinnati Bengals) - until Cam Newton was drafted in 2011, Carson is the only QB on this list that has put up decent numbers while in the NFL.  No, he hasn't won any playoff games or won any awards, but at least he hasn't been embarrassingly terrible like most of these guys.
• 2003 - Jason White, Oklahoma (Undrafted) - this guy won the Heisman and finished third the following year but he went undrafted and initially didn't even get a try-out from any NFL teams.  Eventually, the Rams let him try out but didn't sign him which caused him to decide to "retire".  In other words, he sucked so hard that he couldn't cut it in the pros.
• 2004 - Matt Leinart, USC (10th Overall Pick by the Arizona Cardinals) - before the draft, a lot of "experts" thought Matt had a shot at going 1st overall.  But they couldn't have been more wrong.  He has done absolutely nothing as a pro to justify his Top 10 pick and is currently backing up Carson Palmer just like he did in college.
• 2006 - Troy Smith, Ohio State (5th Round Pick by the Baltimore Ravens) - considering I didn't even know that he was drafted should tell you all you need to know about this guy's pro career, he couldn't even beat out Kyle Boller for the starting job and that guy was horrible.  Currently he is on a practice squad for the Steelers which means he doesn't play professional football anymore.
• 2007 - Tim Tebow, Florida (25th Overall Pick by the Denver Broncos) - if being the most overhyped player in the history of ever is considered successful, then Timmy is the greatest player in the history of ever.  But as a pro player, he pretty much sucks balls.
• 2008 - Sam Bradford, Oklahoma (1st Overall Pick by the St. Louis Rams) - he had a great rookie season but has been pretty awful since, so we will hold off judgement on him for now.
• 2010 - Cam Newton, Auburn (1st Overall Pick by the Carolina Panthers) - he put together possibly the greatest statistical rookie season regardless of position in NFL history, but the big problem is he hasn't turned those stats into wins.  In college, he had a record of 25-1 and so far as a pro, he is 8-17.
• 2011 - Robert Griffin III, Baylor (2nd Overall Pick by the Washington Redskins) - pretty good so far but it is too early to tell if he will be a good pro.

I guess the first thing that stands out is that the Heisman Trophy only seems to go to quarterbacks considering a QB has won the award every year but twice in the past 12 years.  The next thing that stands out is that until recently, Heisman winning QB's have been awful professional players.  So, either the Heisman voters are getting better at actually picking good players for their award or they just got lucky and will go back to picking losers again shortly.  Also, if you were wondering how the two non-QB Heisman winners have fared in the NFL, the answer is a mixed bag:

• 2005 - Reggie Bush, USC (vacated) (2nd Overall Pick by the New Orleans Saints) - he's only broken 1,000 yards rushing once, other than that, he has been mostly a bust.
• 2009 - Mark Ingram, Alabama (28th Overall Pick by the New Orleans Saints) - he is in his 2nd season and so far he has been pretty worthless.  When will NFL teams figure out that a 3rd round running back is just as productive as a 1st round pick?

"Seriously ESPN, just admit he sucks at football and stop making a news story out of him running shirtless through the rain."

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 12

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on BCS Standings
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

#22 Rutgers Scarlet Knights (+6.5) @ Cincinnati Bearcats

12:00
Big East Network

#18 USC Trojans @ #17 UCLA Bruins (+4)

3:05
FOX

NC State Wolfpack @ #11 Clemson Tigers (-17)

3:30
ABC or ESPN2

#23 Texas Tech Red Raiders @ #24 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-10.5)

3:30
SportsSouth

Ohio State Buckeyes (+3) @ Wisconsin Badgers

3:30
ABC or ESPN2

#13 Stanford Cardinal @ #2 Oregon Ducks (-20.5)

8:00
ABC

-Alright, this going to sound weird, but I actually enjoyed doing "The Wave" at Clemson's home game this past weekend.  I know, the wave is lame and outdated, but Clemson's student section did something I haven't seen before.  They started a normal wave, but when it got all the back to them, they then proceeded to do what I'm going to call a "Slow Wave".  In essence, the student section did a really really slow wave and not only was it kind of cool, but for once, everyone else in the stadium did it, too.  I haven't seen an entire crowd do the wave in a long time, but everyone seemed to love the "Slow Wave".  But it doesn't stop there.  Once the "Slow Wave" went around the stadium, the student section then started a "Fast Wave" which is exactly what it sounds like and was equally as cool as the "Slow Wave".  I'm sure Clemson didn't invent this, but it was pretty cool nonetheless and I felt like sharing.

-Do you remember when I said I was uncomfortable about all of my picks last week?  No.  Well, me neither because I finally had a perfect week.  6-0, baby!  And now that I am fully in the picking groove, you can fully expect me to go undefeated the rest of the way or you money back!

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend Said:

(I couldn't find a picture of my favorite sign from this past weekend, so here is a funny one that makes fun of the Gamecocks from a while back.  Because this week's Gameday was aboard the USS San Diego, my favorite sign said "Go College, Beat University!")

Last Week's Results: 6-0
Season Results: 39-29

Lyrical Lies - U Can't Touch This

This column will strip away the catchy instrumentals and analyze the ridiculousness of the lyrics in popular songs.  I understand it is taking things to the extremes, but that's what I do - I go to extremes.  I am not going to comment on repeating lines or verses other than to occasionally note how much repetition there is in all songs.  In this addition, we take on our childhood and realize what is behind the song we have heard/sang hundreds of times.  Remember this is a rap song so the lyrics are coming fast and furious, also there are a lot of lyrics.

Song:   U Can't Touch This
Artist:  MC Hammer

First off, that is the actual title with a "U" instead of a "You".  How far ahead of the curve was Hammer?  He was text rapping back in 1990 - impressive!  I assume it will only be a few more years until Hammer pants are totally cool.

"You can't touch thisYou can't touch thisYou can't touch thisYou can't touch thisYou can't touch this"I only left this in to get you right into the annoyingness.  I will spare you the rest of the repeats but he uses it 28 times!!! Lyrical crutch?  I think so.
"My, my, my music hits me so hard"Like by a piano?"Makes me say "Oh, my Lord""A reasonable reaction...for a 60 year old lady.  Isn't he a rapper?  Shouldn't he be saying "what the fuck!"?"Thank you for blessing meWith a mind to rhyme and two hype feet"We all pray and pray for those hype feet - So useful.
"It feels good, when you know you're down"Confusion.  Down like  "Yo, I'm down with that?"  Down with what? I do not understand."A super dope homeboy from the Oak townAnd I'm known as such"Again with the old lady or 12 year old boy reference - only those two demographics have ever said "super dope homeboy".  I wonder if Hammer is a joke in the hood even when he blew up?"And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch"Agreed.
"I told you, homeboy"Really?  You haven't actually said anything other than where you are from and you like your own song."Yeah, that's how we living and you know"How?  Again - you haven't said anything about how you live.  Is there another earlier part of the song?  Wait - did you do another song other than this one!?!?
"Look at my eyes, man"Ten bucks says you never revisit this line and it won't make any sense after I read the next line."Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics"WINNER!
"Fresh new kicks, advance"Advance?  Are there levels of kicks?  Did Hammer level up?"You gotta like that, now, you know you wanna danceSo move, outta your seatAnd get a fly girl and catch this beat"OK, that part actually does make me want to dance.  Good call, Hammer.
"While it's rollin', hold on"Holding on is the opposite of the dancing you have been telling us to do."Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's goin' onLike that, like that"No one knows how to pump it.  For Hammer to assume that everyone is doing it right is absurd.  Come on, Hammer.
"Cold on a mission so fall them back"Alright - I get it.  You are just messing with us now - I mean no one knows what that was - did Hammer just have those word refrigerator magnets and just mess them up and pick out eight of them?"Let 'em know, that you're too much"This is the only thing I agree with you on Hammer - you are too much."And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch"

"Yo, I told youWhy you standin' there, man?"You said hold on because it's rolling"Yo, sound the bell, school is in, sucka"Whoa - great song-ending line.  Drop the mike, Hammer!
"Give me a song or rhythm"Wait - not the end?  Give you a song?  You have been droning on for a few minutes. "Makin' 'em sweat, that's what I'm givin' 'emNow, they knowYou talkin' about the Hammer, you talkin' about a show"We know you are the Hammer - no one else in the world throughout history dresses like that.
"That's hype and tight"What is?  Please use more nouns next time."Singers are sweatin' so pass them a wipe"A wipe?  Who uses wipes for sweat?  They make a specific thing for that - it's called a towel. "Or a tape, to learnWhat's it gonna take in the nineties to burn"Oh, awkward.....you ensured that your song will always be dated.
"The charts? Legit"What charts?  You do know we don't hear your inner monologue, right?"Either work hard or you might as well quit"Way to be a role model, Hammer!"That's word because you know"I don't know but maybe know I learned a valuable piece of advice."You can't touch this, you can't touch this"Nevermind.
"Break it downStop, Hammer time"Is what's coming up "Hammer Time" or was that before?
"Go with the funk, it is saidIf you can't groove to thisThen you probably are dead"Nothing to say there - this is a 100% true statement.
"So wave your hands in the air"Like we don't care - or are we caring?  The 90's were confusing."Bust a few movesRun your fingers through your hair"Oh - like Bieber.  I am convinced the Hammer has no street credit what-so-ever.
"This is it, for a winnerDance to this and you're gonna get thinner"That's just calories out being more than calories in.  He should have added something about combining the dancing with a balanced diet."Move, slide your rumpJust for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump"Nothing like seeing your middle school crush gyrating trying to figure out how to do the bump bump bump. (DISCLAIMER: This is a thought I had in middle school and only about girls older than I was at any point in my live.  No pervert.)
"You better get hype, boyBecause you know you can't"So you want us to try something you know we can't do - pretty messed up, Hammer."Ring the bell, school's back in"School was already in - you said the bell rang.
"Break it downStop, Hammer time"Go. Stop. Stop. Go.  Make up you mind.
"Every time you see meThe Hammer's just so hype"That is true - unfortunately no one has seen you in 20 years."I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mic"Wait, Magic Mike!?!?  Is Channing Tatum on this track?
"Now why would I ever stop doing this?"Because you only hit once and the money dried up leaving you with the same bills but no income.With others makin' records that just don't hit"I've toured around the world, from London to the Bay"London is close to a bay, so I'm sure that may not be that wide of an expanse.  We may need some fact checkers."It's "Hammer, go Hammer, MC Hammer, yo, Hammer""Wow- really originaly nicknames.And the rest can go and playMore like playing a rapper.  Boom.