The Future of Food

Why do we as humans have to eat so much when it seems like we just poop everything back out anyways?  What I'm trying to say is that it seems like there has to be a better way to get our daily nutrients then eating three times a day and then having to sit on the toilet shortly afterwards (even though the invention of the iPhone has helped pass the time while pooping).  In other words, if we just seem to poop out most of what we eat, then why haven't they just made meals in pill form that give us everything our bodies need to survive?  It seems like a waste of energy that our bodies have to use each day to digest that Hot Pocket you just ate, only to poop the majority of it back out.

I'm not a scientist or a doctor, so I am probably just speaking nonsense, but what is the point of all that food when we could save time and energy by just swallowing a couple of mega-vitamins?  Don't our bodies just take what it needs from our food and spit the rest of it back out of our butts?  Then all we really need are the essentials and that is why I am tasking someone to create a pill that we can eat that will save all that hassle of smelly bowel movements and cold toilet seats we have to endure each and every day.  Some company could make millions, no, billions off of such a pill.  Then again, the food companies would probably send in their assassins if such a thing was every put into production.  In fact, someone probably already has tried this and said assassins have already put a stop to it.  So, I guess the lesson here is that we should all try and become assassins because that is where the real money is to be made.  Happy hunting.

"Think about how much time Storm Troopers waste each day having to take off their armor each day just to poop."

Here's Your Sign....Language

Whenever there is a debate or high-profile speech or press conference, there is always a sign language person (sign languagist? signist? signer?) near the podium translating for the deaf.  Let me start off the bat by saying that if I was deaf, it would be super great to have that translator and it is a nice thing to do for that segment of the population.  That said, how many deaf people are there in the United States?  One million apparently.  And half of those are over 65.  There are 314 million people in the US, so that means that someone is paying someone to sign every political speech and debate to cater to .003% of America.  Why are we so interested in appeasing them?  Were there a lot of deaf protests at one point to cause this upheaval?  At this point, would taking away the sign language artist (nailed it) move the needle even a little?  If we are going to keep this tradition up, should we not also translate into languages for people in America who don't speak English?  A lot of Americans speak Spanish (37.6% of people) and even if a third of those can't speak English which is well over the .003% of the population, way more than of them than there are deaf people.  Based on that one third rule, we could also translate speeches into Chinese, Hindu, French, Tagalog, Vietnamese, German, and Korean.  Korean is the lowest percentage of America out of those at 1.1%.  That means if all political speeches have a Korean translator it would be helpful to three times as many Americans than having a sign language translator.  Let's save the tax payers some money (you know that has to be how they get paid) and cut this non-essential position.

"This is what we are paying for."

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Bruce Willis

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Bruce Willis

Top 5

John McClane, Die Hard - Of course John McClane made the list.  He's the reason we even know who Bruce Willis is and made it cool to wear a wife beater....until rednecks took that away from us.
Korben Dallas, The Fifth Element - Highly underrated movie and Bruce nails this role.  Also, it helps this movie that my teenager self got to see some Milla Jovovich side boob
Jimmy Tudeski, The Whole Nine Yards - I don't care how stupid the sequel was, the first one was hilarious.  And once again, we got to see some boobs, this time it was Amanda Peet's boobs.
Dr. Malcolm Crowe, The Sixth Sense - I just noticed that's three straight movies with a number in the title.  Weird.
Joe Blake, Bandits - This is one of fellow Brainfart contributor Alex's favorite movies and I have to agree, it's pretty good.  No boobs this time, but it did have a super young January Jones in it.

Bottom 5

John McClane, A Good Day to Die Hard - Yup, as awesome as John McClane is, we cannot excuse him for this piece of shit.  The first sequel?  Sure.  The second one?  Better than you would think.  A third one?  Kind of dumb, but entertaining.  A fourth one?  NO!!!!  This was a travesty to the great career of John McClane and should be removed from your memories for his sake.
Harry Stamper, Armageddon - Michael Bay was involved, therefore it was crap.
Hudson Hawk, Hudson Hawk - Has anyone seen this movie?  It's so dumb, it's almost watchable, but then you watch a second time and realize that it is just dumb.
Church, The Expendables - I still don't know how this movie spawned two sequels.  I only saw the first one and it was an hour and a half of old people fighting and terrible one-liners.
Butch Coolidge, Pulp Fiction - I love this movie.  Everything is incredible about it......except for Bruce Willis's character's choice in girlfriends.  She is by far the most annoying person to ever appear in a movie and it makes watching this movie again painful.

"Besides this movie being highly underrated, I'm fairly certain it was the last time Bruce had hair."

Brainfart Crush of the Month - March

At the beginning of every month, we here at Brainfart will be bringing you our Brainfart Crush of the Month!  Sometimes it will be someone you have heard of, sometimes it will be just a random hottie you may have seen before, and sometimes it might be my neighbor.  Who knows!  Let's see who we picked this month:

This is Lyndsy Fonseca.  You may know her as the girl who stabbed John Cusack in the eye in Hot Tub Time Machine, the love interest in the Kick-Ass movies, or even as the daughter who is being told her father's life story on How I Met Your Mother.  Why did I pick her for this month's Brainfart Crush?  Just look at her, she's smoking hot, do I need another reason?  No.  No, I do not.  Congratulations, Lyndsy on this very prestigious honor.

Random Movie Trivia - Major League

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Major League

• Charlie Sheen was a high school pitcher who was offered a baseball scholarship to the University of Kansas. In the movie he threw a 101 mph fastball, but in reality Sheen could throw in the high 80s. This made it easier to simulate the fastball on film.
• Sheen also admitted in a Sports Illustrated interview that he used steroids while preparing for this movie because he believed that it would help him throw the ball faster.  (Why would he need to do that?  Because he is insane and it took us way too long to figure that out.)
• Was originally titled "Dead Last".
• When Cerrano hits the home run in the final game against the Yankees, it was not in the script for him to run around the bases with the bat in his hand. What actually happened was that Dennis Haysbert actually did hit a home run during the take and was so shocked that he forgot to drop the bat before he started running.
• Director David Ward made this movie because as a lifelong Indians' fan, this was the only way he would ever see them win anything.
• The opponent slugger known as Yankees home run threat Haywood was played by former Milwaukee Brewers' pitcher, Peter Vuckovich. Peter Vuckovich never hit a single home run in his entire 11 year major league career.
• Many tricks were used to make the actors seem like they were as good as their characters. For example, the pitching mound in a real baseball stadium is 60'6" away from the home plate, but to give the impression that Charlie Sheen's 85 mph fastball was traveling 100 mph, they moved the mound up 10 feet and shot from behind the plate so the viewer wouldn't notice the distance difference. Also, all Wesley Snipes' running scenes are shown in slow motion to give the impression that he is running faster than he actually is.
• The director cast Bob Uecker as the Indians' announcer, Harry Doyle, because he saw him in a couple of Miller Lite commercials.  It wasn't until Bob showed up on set did David learn that he actually was a baseball announcer and had been for 20 years.

"Turns out he has been insane all along, how did we not see this coming?"

Stupid State Laws - Wisconsin 4

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

"If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day."

This just might be the most cruel law I have covered to date.  There was that one about it being illegal to ride an ugly horse, but this one seems way worse because at least a horse doesn't know it's ugly (I hope).  And for that matter, what exactly does "offensive looking" mean?  Personally, I think it means being ugly, but it truly could mean anything from ugly to angry to [insert racist stereotype here].  Also, I love how you can still be offensive looking in public at night.  That way if you are ugly looking, you can take out your frustrations on unsuspecting people at night when it is easier to get away with it.  If anything, this law should only allow ugly people to be outdoors during the day, that way the cops can keep a better eye on them.  Wisconsin, you are cruel and dumb, congratulations.

"That's right, buddy, you are being arrested for being an uggo.  What?  Of course that's a law!  Not only are you ugly, but apparently you're stupid, too."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Marshawn Lynch scores the game winning touchdown in overtime.  Now, how to celebrate?

Summary:  When I first saw this I wondered how this would be received if it happened now - after all it is a very unique and potentially dangerous celebration.  Then I read this happened in 2006!  How was this so under the radar.  Pick it up social media - this is your bread and butter.