Friday, January 4, 2013

Movie Review - Django Unchained

As I always like to do after seeing a good movie, here is my review and recommendation of a new movie release:

Going into Django Unchained, I understood it was supposed to be funny but fairly gory.  After seeing the movie, I can agree that it was very funny but far from gory.  Bloody?  Yes.  Gory?  Not a bit.  When someone uses the word "gory", I imagine gross-looking open wounds and body parts lying all over the place, but this movie had none of that.  Hell, at one point a character is blown up with dynamite and Tarantino didn't even have blood splatter all over the place like he did in every other fight scene in the movie, which by the way was awesome.

As for Tarantino, Django Unchained contained most of his usual stuff - great story telling, 10 minute scenes that would only be 30 seconds in any other movie, writing in his own cameo, and odd dialogue.  However, this was the first Tarantino movie that I can remember that is told in a 100% linear fashion.  In other words, it didn't start somewhere and then jump all over the place in time and I kept waiting for a flashback or flash-forward, but it just never happened.  And for how Django ranks amongst other Tarantino flicks, I would say it falls somewhere in the same league as Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill: Vol. 1, so that is some high praise.

Next up, we have to discuss the cast.  Did you know that Tarantino had Will Smith in mind when he wrote the part of Django?  Well, it's true and I couldn't be happier that Smith turned it down because Jamie Foxx was incredible and I don't think Will Smith could have played that role nearly as well (Will Smith's angry face isn't very convincing and Jamie Foxx's is).  Also, Christoph Waltz was his usual awesome self and it was refreshing to see him play a good guy instead of a villain for once.  And speaking of the villain, Leonardo DiCaprio did an absolutely great job as the evil southern plantation owner.  If he doesn't get an Oscar nomination, I will be shocked because this character was the complete opposite of what he usually plays.  But the best performance of the movie was definitely Samuel L. Jackson (did you know he is 64 years old?). You will have to see the movie to understand how awesome he truly was in this flick.  Also, there was a cameo by Jonah Hill and the scene he was in might have been the funniest scene of the whole movie.

Lastly, I'm going to go ahead and give this movie the "Most Times The N-Word Was Said in Movie History Award".  Seriously, they drop the N-Word like it is going out of style.  Then again, it was set in 1858 when owning slaves was the norm, so that was just how people probably talked back then (I did not research this).  In any case, they used it so often that you just became numb to it after awhile, kind of like 90's rap.

I am going to go ahead and suggest that if you like Quentin Tarantino movies and you are on the fence about seeing it, then I highly suggest you go and see this movie.  Like I said, it was probably his best film since the first Kill Bill (the second sucked compared to the first one) and that is saying something because that movie was really good.

Fart Rating (out of 5):  4.25 Farts

Thursday, January 3, 2013

NOKW - Jurassic Park

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Jurassic Park

Basic Plot:  A rich old dude figures out a way to clone dinosaurs, creates an amusement park, and during the first tour of his new dinosaur park, the human-eating monsters get loose and start eating humans.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that scientists thought mixing dinosaur DNA with frog DNA somehow makes perfect clones of dinosaurs.  The fact that those same scientists didn't bother to check to see if that same frog DNA wasn't of a species that could change their sex, you know, so that their all-female dinosaur island couldn't do the same thing.  The fact that the only smart thing the rich old guy does in the entire movie is put his dinosaur amusement park on a small uninhabited island; after that, it's all downhill.  The fact that the scientists thought it would be a good idea to breed Velociraptors even though they are super smart and really good at murdering people.  The fact that that the little kid not only survived a long fall while inside an SUV but also survived being electrified when the security fence turned back on with him still holding onto it.  The fact that that same SUV fell off of a cliff that wasn't there when they first went past the T-Rex pen.  The fact that the fat bad guy thought turning off all of the electrical fences instead of just disabling the gates he needed to access was a good idea.  The fact that the Raptors figured out how to open doors in minutes despite never having seen one.  The fact that the T-Rex creates ripples in water with its every step, but they don't hear him coming at the end of the movie when it miraculously saves the humans from the Raptors.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Samuel L. Jackson's character, a computer expert, thought that simply rebooting the computer system would get rid of the fat bad guy's computer virus.  Have you ever had a computer virus?  Did you reboot your computer hoping that would help?  Did it work?  Of course not.  If anything it made it worse because it allowed the virus to fully attach itself to your directory files.  So, why did one of the head computer technicians think that by rebooting the system it would fix the problem?  And sure, it actually did work, but that's because this is a movie and if it didn't work, everyone would have been eaten alive and we couldn't have that.  And okay, maybe it really was as easy as rebooting the system in order to fix this particular computer virus, but why in the hell did it take so long for Samuel L. Jackson to figure that out?  He's the computer geek for the most sophisticated amusement park in the world, he should know how to fix a simple computer virus in seconds.  And maybe that thing wasn't technically a computer virus, but it was a program that did a bunch of stuff you didn't want it to do and it was really tough to get it to go away, which to me is the idiot's definition for a computer virus.  And another thing, did the fat bad guy ever intend to have the fences come back online?  If so, when?  And if not, did he really think he was going to be able to hide for the rest of his life from a billionaire with unlimited resources after destroying that billionaire's billion dollar amusement park?  I am not okay with that.

"Not only can she open doors, but she would also solve complex math equations if she had opposable thumbs."

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Calvin Johnson's absurdly good season, and career thus far, highlight how great he is and prove even more how really great Jerry Rice was.

First, let's start with Calvin.  Calvin Johnson is already, barring injury, considered by many to be a sure-fire Hall-of-Famer.  This year he broke Jerry Rice's receiving yards in a single season record with 1,964 yards.  He only had 5 touchdowns this year but was tackled on the 1 yard line 6 times!  With his best receiving year ever, Calvin already has 488 receptions, 7,836 receiving yards, and 54 touchdowns.  Those are incredible numbers and make you wonder if he will break all of Jerry Rice's career receiving records (he owns all of them).

Jerry Rice has basically had the career Calvin has had times three and plus some.  Adding his injured or strike-shortened seasons together Rice had about 19 full NFL seasons.  Through his first 6 seasons (which is where Calvin is now) Jerry had 42 less receptions, 30 more yards, and 25 more touchdowns compared to Calvin.  Expanding that out, Calvin is on pace to be right with Rice in receptions and yards but not even close in TDs.  As good as the start to Calvin's career has been, Jerry Rice's second six years were even better.  Rice's second six seasons compared to Calvin's first six: 116 more receptions, 675 more yards, and 21 more touchdowns.

What does this all mean?  Calvin Johnson has a legitimate shot at Rice's records, which is saying a lot since no one has even been on a pace to beat him for more than a season or two.  But Calvin is going to have to step it up even more to get them and still maintain longevity - Calvin is still less than a third of the way to Rice's career in terms of length.  Don't forget though - Rice played the majority of his career with two Hall of Fame quarterbacks while Calvin has played his with a jugghead.

"6'-5", 239 lbs, 4.35 sec 40 time, 42.5" vertical, 11'-7" broad jump. FREAK!"

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year

I hope your hangover is not as painful as mine.  Happy New Year!!!

Monday, December 31, 2012

Weekly Picks of the Week - Bowl Games Part Two


Picks in Bold
Rankings based on BCS Standings
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

Capital One Bowl
#7 Georgia Bulldogs v. #16 Nebraska Cornhuskers (+9)
Florida Citrus Bowl, Orlando
Tue. Jan. 1
1:00
ABC

Outback Bowl
#10 South Carolina Gamecocks (-5.5) v. #18 Michigan Wolverines
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa
Tue. Jan. 1
1:00
ESPN

Rose Bowl
Wisconsin Badgers (+6) v. #6 Stanford Cardinal
Rose Bowl, Pasadena
Tue. Jan. 1
5:00
ESPN

Discover Orange Bowl
#15 Northern Illinois Huskies (+13.5) v. #12 Florida State Seminoles
Sun Life Stadium, Miami
Tue. Jan. 1
8:30
ESPN

Allstate Sugar Bowl
#21 Louisville Cardinals v. #3 Florida Gators (-14)
Superdome, New Orleans
Wed. Jan. 2
8:30
ESPN

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
#4 Oregon Ducks (-9) v. #5 Kansas State Wildcats
University of Phoenix Stadium, Glendale
Thur. Jan. 3
8:30
ESPN

AT&T Cotton Bowl
#9 Texas A&M v. #11 Oklahoma Sooners (+3)
Cowboys Stadium, Arlington
Fri. Jan. 4
8:00
FOX

Discover BCS National Championship
#2 Alabama Crimson Tide v. #1 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (+9.5)
Sun Life Stadium, Miami
Mon. Jan. 7
8:30
ESPN

-2014 can't get here soon enough (that is if we didn't all perish last week like the Mayans said we would).  In 2014, Division 1-A (aka FBS) college football starts their four-team playoff and it's about damn time.  Now, while I think a four-team playoff is a step in the right direction, I find it funny that it is still really lacking compared to every other level of football in all of America.  Do you know what the NFL, Division 1-AA, Division II, Division III, and high school football all have in common?  They all have a playoff system in place in which at least 12 teams compete to determine their champion.  In other words, "Big Boy" college football is the only level of football at which there is no playoff.  The ONLY one.  So a four-team playoff is a good start but equally as baffling that it took this long to happen.  But let's look at it another way.  In the NFL, 12 of the 32 teams make the playoffs which equals roughly 38% of the total teams being able to play for the chance to win the Super Bowl.  However, when this four-team playoff starts, that means that only 4 of the 124 teams (or 3%) will have a chance to play for the National Championship.  Sure, some people will argue that in a playoff system the best team in the league isn't always the winner, but the same thing happens during March Madness every year and no complains and that tournament starts with 68 teams in the same single-elimination format.  What I'm really trying to say is that we would not only have had a playoff system in college football way earlier but a much better playoff system in place by now if it weren't for the fact that these pointless bowls hadn't existed for so long and had entrenched themselves in football tradition for so long and some old fat rich white guys weren't trying to cock-block a playoff system for so long.  Damn you, old fat rich guys for keeping these stupid bowls alive for way too long and not starting a more meaningful system of determining our National Champion!

Bowl Record to Date: 1-3

"And here is a picture of hot chick that kind of relates to football.  You're welcome."

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Stupid State Laws - Michigan

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Michigan

"Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony."

Holy crap.  I guess we should first address the fact that it is apparently legal for a 12 year old to own a fucking gun in Michigan.  I'm pretty sure that if you are not of age to be able to drink let alone vote, you should definitely not be allowed to own a gun.  Second, I didn't even know a minor could even be convicted of a felony.  I could see a stupid teenager committing a felony, but a 12 year old?  No way.  This law truly amazes me on so many levels that I don't even know to say.

"Please tell me this a real weapon and please tell me that a kid in Michigan owns one."

Saturday, December 29, 2012

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular - Week 16

Because we here at Brainfarts love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red
All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

New York Jets at Buffalo Bills (-3)
Sunday 1:00

-Sanchez gets his chance to disappoint us again and Chan Gailey is too worried about his job to realize he is giving Spiller the ball 20 times. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Atlanta Falcons (- 3.5)
Sunday 1:00

-With a bye week in the first round of the playoffs, I don't think the Falcons will want their starters to rest very much.  Plus I have a feeling that even with their backups for a half, the Falcons can hang on against the Bucs. 

Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints (-5)
Sunday 1:00

-  The Saints locked up their coach for the next five years.  I bet Goodell even let him talk with Brees which is bad news for the Panthers.  The Saints defense has been unexpectedly good and they should be able to put this game all on Cam's shoulders.  He will do well but not well enough.

Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers (OVER 39)
Sunday  4:30

-  This number is just a little too low.  Kaepernick as been fine leading the offense and should score 21 at least.  On the other side, the Cardinals are so horrible they might be good because Hoyer (who?) should turn the ball over a lot and hopefully even deep in his own territory or throw a pick-six.


Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins (Over 49)
Sunday 8:00

-Romo has quietly been going crazy for Dallas lately.  He is also a perfect "over" quarterback because he either throws great TDs or terrble INTs - both of which lead to points.  On the other side, RG3 will be RG3. 

Pittsburgh Steelers (-6) at Cleveland Browns
Sunday  1:00

Thaddeus Lewis is starting at QB for the Browns.  He is their 3rd string QB.  He is from Duke. 

Last Week's Results: 1-4
Season Results: 33-39-2