Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 23

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• In Lord of the Rings, why does it seem like there is a total of three chicks in all of Middle-Earth?
• I still don't understand how an eraser erases stuff without damaging the paper it is erasing said stuff off of.
• If you traveled a couple thousand years into the past and killed one random person, how many people you know today do you think will cease to exist when you came back?
• In the movie Time Bandits, John Cleese is the top-billed actor in the opening credits but is only in the movie for three and a half minutes.  I timed it.
• Why does Coca-Cola bother spending so much money on advertising when they know we are all already addicted to their product?
• Dear anyone on their phone while ordering food at a restaurant (for example, Chipotle), hang the fuck up, you are holding everybody up because you are an asshole and shouldn't be allowed to carry on your genes.
• No homo, but how has Chris Hemsworth (aka Thor) not won People's Sexiest Man of Year?
• If dogs evolved from wolves, then how in the hell did we end up with the chihuahua?
• I just found out that Taco Bell serves breakfast.  Please tell me no one actually eats that.
• Recently, I've found myself randomly watching the newest animated version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and was shocked to find out that Jason Biggs (American Pie) and Sean Astin (Rudy/Samwise Gamgee) do the voices of Leonardo and Raphael.
• What made the people at Looney Tunes think that a Tasmanian Devil spins around like a tornado?

"Not only do they not spin around, but they are black not brown like in the cartoons.  Did the guy who came up with that character even look at picture of a Tasmanian Devil before he drew his?"

Dog Names

Our family dog, Georgia, passed away at the end of the summer.  It was a sad time for our family because she was the best dog ever (trust me, she was better than your dog).  And because she was the best dog ever, I decided to honor her by naming every dog we get in the future with the name of a U.S. State.  After looking through a list of the states, I came up with a nifty list of my own.  Most of the names are derived from a state, but I still found a couple that work by themselves.  Here are the best ones I found:

Males

• Ari or Zona - Arizona
• Colorado
• Indiana
• Tuck - Kentucky
• Louie - Louisiana
• Monty - Montana/Vermont
• Tex - Texas

Females

• Ally - Alabama
• Cali - California
• Connie - Connecticut
• Deli - Delaware
• Georgia (of course)
• Ida - Idaho
• Ana - Louisiana
• Minnie - Minnesota
• Missy - Mississippi (by far my favorite)
• Penny - Pennsylvania
• Virginia or Ginny

After showing my brother this list, he came up with a few of his own that I liked:

• Nessie - Tennessee
• Whiskey - Wisconsin
• Mitch - Michigan
• Brasky - Nebraska
• Rhodie - Rhode Island

"Georgia loved the snow.  Unfortunately, it snowed more on the day of this picture than it has in the last five years combined.  Welcome to South Carolina."

R.I.P. Georgia

"You will be missed, puppy."

"You were the best friend our family ever had."

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 17

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• Why do action movies never seem to get nominated for Best Picture?  There are some really good action movies out there.
• I can't believe the WNBA still exists.
• Why is my dog so scared of the vacuum cleaner?
• If a TV show is described as "Surprisingly Entertaining", is that a compliment or an insult?  I really don't know.
• I've always found it really funny how close "Santa" and "Satan" are spelled.
• It drives me crazy when I saw people call King Joffrey's death a "shocker" on Game of Thrones when the book the current season is based on came out 14 years ago.  Spoiler, there will be more "shocking" deaths before the season is over.  You know how I know?  I read a book.
• As cool as having a flying car would be, a world where they exist would be terrifying when one could crash into your home at any time.
• Do you think if someone finishes their round of Jeopardy! with negative money they have to pay the show that money?
• I loath pollen.
• I'm still confused about what the people who made the Super Mario Bros. movie were doing?  Did they even play the game before making the movie?  Hell, Mario and Luigi weren't even brothers in the movie even though it's right there in the title.
• With as much money as SHIELD throws around, you would think that they would be able to recreate the Super Soldier Serum again.
• I saw Godzilla yesterday and I liked it, but I couldn't get over how unattractive Elizabeth Olsen is.  Just look at that picture below, yuck.  And yes, she is related to the Olsen twins, she is their younger sister.

"I give her a 6, but that's being really really generous."

Best News Story Ever!

Check out this news story.  If you are too lazy to read it - and shame on you, the title is "Leopard Terrorizes Indian City" - I will summarize.  Basically, a giant huge scary leopard is loose inside a city.  Now I will highlight the amazing things.

1. The start of the story has the leopard in the city.  No mention of where it came from or how it got to the center of the city.  Perfect.
2. It was first seen in a local timber shop.  What the hell is that?  I have heard of woodworking shops, maybe furniture making shops, but a timber shop?  I picture an outdoor shop with trees growing in it.
3. It went into a cinema and then into an apartment and then across rooftops.  Sounds like Leopard Hangover.
4. There were onlookers impeding the capture of the leopard.  Who looks on to see what a leopard will do next?  I will tell you what it will do - eat your damn face off!
5. They never caught it.  This is the official quote: "Nothing happened (Monday). So, there are chances it could have gone back into the forest."  Are you kidding me?  It hasn't destroyed anyone in a day so you assume all is well?  Wow.

Such a good story on its face that only gets better with the details.  Thanks, India.

"Oh no - a stick! Oh wait, I'm a fucking leopard!"

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 14

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• I wonder how old the oldest living 300-pound person currently is.  60?  50?  35?
• In G.I. Joe, why did the good guy, Snake Eyes, wear black and his nemesis, the bad guy, wear white?  Shouldn't it be the other way around?
• If Bigfoot doesn't exist and everyone knows this, then how are there multiple TV shows about finding one?
• I really tried to like IFC's mini-series, The Spoils of Babylon, but it was just dumb.
• Batman owns a customized car, motorcycle, boat, and airplane which would cost a fortune (and be easily traceable), so how has no one in the Gotham Police Department figured out that only a couple of people could afford those things?  Hence, Batman is billionaire Bruce Wayne.
• I find it amusing that we still use most of the same names for constellations that were thought up thousands of years ago.
• Why do Transformers speak English when talking to each other?  Don't they have their own language?
• Do you think that Brits whom have been knighted hate Sir Mix-a-Lot?
• Why does the 6 o'clock local news show a traffic report?  Everyone who is watching it is already home from work.
• Is it just me or does watching women's tennis really turn you on?  All the moaning, grunting, and hot blond Russians is pretty damn sexy.
• What goes through a whale's mind as it is swimming through miles and miles of an ocean that all looks exactly the same forever?
• If they were to drug test at the X Games, would they have to cancel the event due to the lack of clean athletes?
• Dear Cameron Diaz, just hang it up already.

"Seriously, Cameron, you are one plastic surgery away from looking like a scary cat woman."

Intelligent Life in the Universe

Have you ever wondered if there is intelligent life other than humans out in the universe?  If you are a stoner, then the answer is probably "yeah, dude".  If you are everybody else, then the question might have crossed your mind at some point.  Since I brought it up, the actual answer is probably no, I doubt it.  The odds of alien life is pretty good, but the odds of intelligent life is very slim.  There are a quadrillion stars in our galaxy alone, meaning there are at least that many planets floating around space.  And there are millions and millions of galaxies with just as many stars in them.  So, the odds of a planet with just the right conditions for life to exist are very very high.  So, life most certainly exists out there, but the odds that that life evolved enough to be considered intelligent is not nearly as high.  I'll be writing a post very soon about what it took just for humans to evolve to the point where you are sitting there reading this and you will see why the odds are not in the favor of other intelligent life being out there.

But let's say there is intelligent life out there, who is to say humans will still be alive if they evolve enough to travel through space?  Humans are definitely a highly evolved species, but we are still a very short-sighted species.  Our brains don't really allow us to plan long-term and by long-term, I mean beyond a couple of generations.  Look at it this way, we know that pollution is killing our planet and yet we still haven't really done enough to make sure our grandchildren's grandchildren will inherit a planet that will be habitable.  So, if intelligent life has evolved enough to plan long-term and have invented interstellar travel, the odds that they show up here and humans still exist are very very slim.

And let's say that humans are the ones who invent interstellar travel, what are the odds that we find another habitable planet with an intelligent species far enough along in their evolution that we can communicate with them?  Humans have been around for 250,000 years which is about 0.00001% of the universe's 13.8 billion year existence.  That's an insanely small fraction of time.  What's to say that we show up to said habitable planet and discover that there was an intelligent species, but they had already gone extinct billions of years ago because they couldn't save their own planet from themselves (you know, like we currently are having problems with)?

So, there you go.  Even if intelligent life does exist (which is unlikely), the odds that we meet them at the same time of their own peak of intelligence is so slim that you are more likely to win the lottery every time you buy a ticket for the rest of your life.  What I'm trying to say is that buying lottery tickets is dumb and I really don't why anybody does it.  You are way more likely to die on your way to buy a lottery ticket than you will ever be likely to win it.

"No, not that kind of alien, silly pants."

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 8

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• Why do movie commercials tell you that they are showing you a "sneak peek" of their movie when it really is just one of that movie's trailers?
• Do you think terrorists watch Olympus Has Fallen and White House Down (two movies about the White House being taken over) as training videos?
• Do you think that I just got red-flagged by the FBI because of that last statement?
• I still don't understand why we park in driveways and drive on parkways.
• Dear ESPN, if you are showing a game on Thursday, calling it "Monday Night Football" makes no sense.
• Did you know that Gene Hackman's last movie was 2004's Welcome to Mooseport?
• I'll one up that last one.  Can you believe that Sean Connery's last movie was in 2003?  And that that movie was The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?  Ouch.
• Remember when everyone thought that the Denver Broncos were crazy when they signed Peyton Manning and traded Tim Tebow?  Manning had 7 TD's in his first game this season and Tebow couldn't even make a team as the 3rd string quarterback.  Ha.
• My life's goal is to one day say this phrase - "Excuse me gentlemen, but I have an appointment to go helicopter shopping".
• Is anyone else disturbed that Michael Jordan keeps murdering sentient shirt tags in those Hanes commercials?
• I hate dust.
• What do dogs dream about that causes them to bark in their sleep?  My dog does this all the time and I really want to know what's going on in her dream.
• Did you know Selena Gomez is 21?  Look at that picture below, she looks like she is fucking 12.

"No way is she 21."

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 7

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• Do you guys ever wonder how really large dinosaurs had sex?  I guess that's where the phrase "If the continent be a rockin', don't come a knockin'" came from.
• I feel like I should like Rory McIlroy because his name sounds so much like Tin Cup's main character Roy McAvoy, but I can't stand McIlroy.
• I still find it highly suspicious that the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl right after 9/11.  Seriously, there mascot is a Patriot, that seems really convenient.
• If the Big Bang never happened, would there be any sentient being there to notice?
• How exactly does spinach make Popeye super strong?  And if it works for him, why doesn't EVERYONE in that universe constantly use it?
• I find it hilarious that the next generation of kids will think that this symbol "#" will mean hashtag and not pound.
• Why does the NCAA refer to the play-in games as the 1st Round of March Madness when there are only 4 games being played?  They should just call it the Play-In Round and the next round as Round 1.
• I've always found the word "abbreviation" to be hilariously ironic.
• How many freaking X-Games are there?  I've seen at least 5 of them in the past month on ESPN which is 5 too many.
• If Wolverine's mutant power is that he can heal super fast, does that mean that he never has to eat or drink?  If he can just heal to stay alive then he shouldn't ever feel the effects of thirst or hunger.
• Why does the sports media always say that a good play or game is instantly the best ever when it probably was just okay?
• Does anybody actually like 3-D technology?
• If I ever accidentally go back in time, my first thought would be "Cool!" followed by "How do I get back?" then "Should I go back when I could use my knowledge of the future to become super rich?".

"Seriously, how does this work?  It makes no sense even for a cartoon."

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 6

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• Do you think the "N Word" refers to something completely different in Germany than it does in the US?  Hint: It starts with "N" and ends in "azi".
• I need to clear something up.  When you say that you are doing something "Next Monday", that means that you are referring to two Mondays from now and not the upcoming Monday.  The upcoming Monday would just be referred to as "Monday".  Now you know.  Knowledge is Power!
• Is the money worth it to be in an AIDS Home Test or Vagisil commercial when whenever someone recognizes you from that ad they will just assume you have AIDS or a smelly vag?
• Did you know that in baseball when a pitcher is intentionally walking a batter that the catcher cannot step out from behind the plate until the ball leaves the pitcher's hand or it will be called a balk?  Watch for it next time you are watching a game.
• Why do car companies and sports video games always release their new models/seasons four or five months before the year of that new model/season actually begins?
• I have 6 keys on my key chain and only know what 2 of them are for.
• With fans voting for the MLB All-Star Starters, why hasn't there been a campaign by some nerds to get a really crappy player voted in to start?
• How is it that dragons can breath fire?  And where does their endless supply of flammable liquid come from?
• Same question, but with spiders and their webbing?
• Can dogs see of even hear a TV?  Or is it that they can hear it but just ignore any weird noises coming from a TV?
• Does ESPN even know the definition of "Breaking News"?  Because Alex Rodriguez appealing his suspension is NOT breaking news.
• Why would the designers of the USS Enterprise put the bridge in such a vulnerable spot on the ship?  Wouldn't it make more sense to put it in the deepest part of the ship and just put up a video screen so that they could see space?
• What is the stupidest possible name someone could change their name to?  The answer is Metta World Peace.  And if you are his teammate, wouldn't you just continue to call him Ron?

"Seriously, I feel like a dragon could only breath fire once before he would have to refill his flammable liquid supply.  But no, somehow it is infinite.

Golf Balls and Dogs

I was playing golf the other day and came to a realization - the things I tend to say/yell at my golf ball sound eerily familiar to things I would also say/yell to my dog.  So, let's explore these sayings with a fun list I compiled with the help of a couple of friends:

• "Sit" - We'll start off with an obvious one.  You probably say this to your dog on a daily basis and if you watch golf on TV, you hear Tiger say this all the time (that and he loves to drop F-Bombs).
• "Go" - Whether you are telling your golf ball to go or trying to get your dog to get out of the way, you definitely have said this to both.
• "Get Down" - Is your dog on the couch and shouldn't be?  Did you hit your ball a lot further than you wanted to?  Then saying 'Get Down' will work....only on the dog.
• "Don't Go That Way/Where Are You Going" - I seem to be saying this all the time when I hit a golf ball and how often are you yelling this at your dog when it is running off?
• "Damn It, What Are You Doing" - You find your dog licking its own vomit or running around with a sock on its head and this saying is definitely said.  As for your golf ball, you hit a putt and it goes the opposite way you thought it would and say this all the time.
• "Settle" - Your ball hits the green and won't stop rolling or your dog keeps jumping on a guest, saying this seems to do the trick....once again, only for your dog.
• "Get In the Hole" - This one is obvious for your golf ball, but only applies if you happen to have a huntin' dog and want it to go after a rabbit or something.
• "Stay Out of the Sand/Water" - I took my dog for a walk once and she chased after some geese to the side of pond and stopped at the edge, but then she suddenly just jumped in which was weird because she hates taking baths.  I yelled this, but it didn't really help at that point.  And it goes without saying why you would yell this at a golf ball.
• Bonus: "Rough/Ruff" - My buddy Ned suggested this one and it took me a second to figure out what he was trying to say.  But I guess if you have ever tried to talk to your dog in its language then you have probably said this and the golf side of it is pretty obvious.

"Damn it, Rex.  This is the last time I take you golfing.  When I said "Go", I meant the ball not you."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is a new weekly post we are going to try out and see how it goes.  Basically, Alex is going to comb the internet for the dumbest/funniest/awesome-est/sexiest video he can find and post it for the world to see.  Let's see what he's got this week:

Set up:  Bear v. Monkey.... on bicycles!

Summary:  Bear always win, animals are always wild.

Extinct Animals

I was randomly reading a National Geographic the other day while at the doctor's office when I stumbled upon an interesting article.  In said article, scientists are currently discussing which extinct animals they were going to bring back to life through the miracle of cloning.  On their list, they included some lame animals like the Dodo, Labrador Duck, a crappy seal, and some kind of woodpecker (hehe), but they also listed a couple cool animals to bring back like the Sabre-toothed Cat, the Woolly Mammoth, and the Tasmanian Tiger.

With such an experiment going on, I had to get in on this.  Here is my list of extinct animals I want brought back from the land of the dead (you may notice that most of the animals I want back are terrifying, I have no explanation for that, so don't ask):

• Stegosaurus - this guy was my favorite dinosaur as a kid, so having the chance to hang out with one could only mean good things for me.  I would name him Chappy and we would go around crushing cars like a monster truck.  It would be glorious.
• Titanboa Cerrejonensis, Giant Snake - there is no real reason to bring this monster back to life other than to allow it to take care of Jennifer Lopez like that Anaconda should have done in the first place.  I really don't like her.
• Sabre-Toothed Cat - we would have to find a way to cross-breed this thing with a regular house cat, that way we would have miniature Sabre-Toothed Cats running around, which would be beyond awesome.
• Arctodus Simus, Giant Bear - this thing can grow to about 14 feet tall and weigh over 2,000 lbs and would make movies involving bears that much cooler.
• Irish Deer - I picked this guy only because its antlers width could grow to 12 feet from tip to tip and if there is anything the world needs, it's more kickass looking antlers to mount on our walls.
• Carcharodon/Carcharocles Megalodon, Giant Shark - there is absolutely no reason to have this creature roaming the seas again....unless we could figure out a way to arm them and set them loose on America's enemies.  Get on it, Department of Defense.
• Caspian Tiger - I went to Clemson and our mascot was the tiger, therefore, having more tigers in the world is always a good thing.
• Mamenchisaurus - this dinosaur could grow up to 50 feet long and close to 4/5ths of that was its neck.  Just think about such a freak, you know you would go and see something as cool looking as this dino.
• Arthropleura Armata - why would you want to bring back an 8 foot long bug, you ask.  Because it gives little boys another thing to throw on little girls in the never-ending War of the Sexes and finally boys will have the leg up.
• Gigantopithecus, Giant Ape - I want this guy back so that we can let one loose near the crew of Finding Bigfoot, that why they can finally find it, get cancelled, and America's IQ can start rising again.
• One Tyrannosaurus Rex - yes, only one at a time.  I don't want a Jurassic Park situation happening where two male T-rexes escape and one of the two changes sexes and can multiply which cannot be good for humans.  But having a T-rex around HAS to happen, that monster is too awesome not to exist.

"You all know this picture explains exactly why having a T-Rex around would be totally worth it."

Little Lion Tongue

Alternate post title:  (Big) Cat Got Your Tongue?

On nature shows you always see lions and other big cats licking themselves just like normal house cats.  This can lull humans into thinking they are cute and cuddly when in reality they just want to taste your salty blood. When I see these pictures and videos I can only think of one thing - do lions bite their tongues often?  Their tongues are HUGE and with all that cat licking it has to get in the way.  Where do they keep that thing when they attack?  We have all seen the videos of lions or tigers annihilating their prey with reckless abandon.  With all that flesh flying around there is no way they don't seriously injure their tongues and that has to annoy even the most beastly of lions.  I hurt my tongue eating dead cow, I can't imagine dodging that injury if I had super huge sharp teeth and was eating a still living and thrashing young girl (that's right - I went there).

Biting your tongue hurts like a bitch, so next time you see a lion or you are mad they ate someone you know, just think of how bad their tongue hurts!

"What a cute little kitty....WHO WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!"

The Bone Wars

I can only assume that everyone saw the heading above and instantly thought "Finally, he's going to write about porn, it's about damn time!".  Well, I'm sorry to disappoint.  This Bone Wars has nothing to do with large breasts, but feel free to go look at some when you are done reading!

Around the 1860's, two colleagues named Othniel Charles Marsh and Edward Drinker Cope started out as friends in the same profession.  Both wanted to uncover the remains of dinosaurs and both sported wicked mustaches.  A couple years after going on some expeditions together, they went their separate ways and even split amicably.  However, after a discovery of fossils in New Jersey, Marsh bribed the pit operators to divert any new finds his way and when Cope found out about it, he was pissed.  And thus, the Bone War began.  So, let's break down some the stupidity these two got into during their stupid feud:

• Opposing research teams occasionally resorted to fighting and sometimes even used dynamite in said brawls.
• They would blow up recently excavated sites so that the other guy couldn't dig up any leftover fossils.
• In a race to discover the most dinosaurs, between them they "found" the same dinosaur 20 times and named it something different each time.
• Sometimes they would just put a different skull on the wrong body of a skeleton so they could claim another discovery.  This resulted in the non-existent Brontosaurus which is actually just a Apatosaurus that Marsh put another skull on and claimed a new species.  The mistake wasn't corrected for 70 years.
• Wrote fraudulent papers about each other trying to discredit the other guy with little research ever put into those articles.
• Sending spies into the other's research team who would report mistakes made by the other and even sabotaged some digs.

In the end, the whole field of paleontology was disgraced and it took decades for future paleontologists to correct all of Marsh and Cope's idiotic mistakes all because these two nitwits couldn't get along.  And you thought your argument about taking the garbage out with your girlfriend was petty.  Sure, you both probably said some nasty things you wish you could take back, but at least you didn't ruin an entire profession that took until the release of Jurassic Park to fix.

"Yup, this never existed.  Thanks a lot, non-porno Bone Wars."

Fun With Analogies

I've always thought that the analogy "It's Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel" never made any sense.  Think about it. If someone says that something is as easy as "shooting fish in a barrel", do they actually know this from experience?  Because I would imagine shooting fish in a barrel could actually be pretty difficult.  Unless you shoot at the fish from point-blank range, I bet it would be really tough to actually kill the fish with the actually bullet.  If you miss the fish (which is the most likely case), then all you would end up with is a slowly leaking barrel and no dead fish.  In either case, I guess the fish would ultimately die, but it defeats the purpose of the analogy.  Well, that's all I've got, it's Saturday, sue me.

"Maybe they should change the saying to 'Shooting Fish at Point-Blank Range in a Small Bowl on Top of a Barrel'."

Instilling Fear Through Seafood

Question: What does Jacksonville University know that no other college in America knows?

Answer: The power of sea life and seafood.

Having a sea-dwelling animal as a mascot seems like a good idea, it is definitely on the short list of options for a mascot if you were starting a college. Of course you would want originality. Do you really want your school mascot to be another lion, tiger, or bear (sorry, couldn't resist)? Plenty of those mascots are already established so you aren't making any headway there. You also want to stay away from "over-originality" like when people name their kids Apple (Gweneth Paltrow), Pilot Inspector (Jason Lee), or Wednesday (Morticia Addams). Being the Banana Slugs is funny the first few times you see it or say it, but after 4+ years it gets to be a little much. Another requirement when choosing your mascot is that it should instill some fear in your opponent. You don't want the SportsCenter anchor making fun of your teams - I'm looking at you Northern Arizona Lumberjacks (are you going to gay plaid us to death?), the Tulane Green Wave (you can wave goodbye to your respect), and the Maryland Terrapins (go ahead and slowly and steadily carve out another 2-10 football season).

To summarize, every college wants a unique but not obscure, fierce, fun mascot. Enter sea life. What is the biggest question/debate/travesty in the NCAA right now? Who deserves the title? The BCS? Nope - HOW THE FUCK IS THERE NOT A SHARK MASCOT ?!?!?! Makes no sense. No Crabs. No Lobsters. No Sting Rays. No Sea Lions. Not even an effing manatee. Only Jacksonville University come close with the gay shark (Dolphin). Let's take a look at the pros of a water dwelling mascot:

1 - Uniqueness - Except for waves and pirates, nothing lives in the water. Also, you will not have the same mascot as anyone else - everyone knows where you go to school by the animal so you can avoid any blank stares when you tell people you support the Tigers (Clemson, Auburn, LSU, Missouri, Memphis, and 30 other small schools have a tiger as a mascot).

2 - Area - All those colleges out there neglect the two-thirds of the earth covered by water. You should embrace it. This lets you tie in fundraisers and support causes that make sense by supporting your mascot's habitat and automatically generate so much hippie karma - that's worth at least a few points a game.

3- Sex Appeal - Not really, but check out this pic.

4 - The Upper hand - Colleges do have water sports like swimming and diving so those teams will automatically have the best mascots.  "Who are swimming against today?"   "The Sharks."  "FUCK".

5- Money - When a school changes their mascot to something cool, everyone that likes them has to buy all new gear which will generate tons of revenue. Time it with a partnership with a new apparel provider and you have gold, Jerry, gold!

6- Fear - If I go into a forest, don't bears and tigers and lions and eagles live there?  So what, I go in forests all the time and I'm alive.  There are a lot of people that won't even go in the ocean and couldn't swim even if they did.  You can't see 3 feet in front of your place and that thing you just stepped on is either a piece of a shell or a giant prehistoric sea monster ready to eat you.

7 - Tailgate Food - I have struggled with this for years.  Why aren't there many, if any, seafood boils at tailgates?  All it is is a bunch of seafood in a huge pot - you cannot screw it up.  It's messy goodness that you can get dirty with.  It is also PERFECT with beers.  Maybe even some champagne!

Please Tweet all college presidents and let's get this going.  Soon we could have the ACOMC (Atlantic Coast Ocean Mascots Conference). I know this leaves out lakes but that is on purpose. Lakes suck.

Whales

If you think you are having a tough day, imagine that you are a bottom of the ocean-dwelling crab and you just finished building your new house (crabs make houses, right?) when all of the sudden you are crushed to death by a 150-ton, 90-foot dead blue whale. Seriously, what happens when a whale dies? Does it go whale heaven? Is there a whale heaven? Does it float in the ocean until it is devoured by sharks and Aquaman (I just assume Aquaman's diet consists of nothing but whale burgers and fish sticks)? Or the more likely option is that it sinks to the bottom of the ocean until it crushes some poor little crab's brand new crab-house. Think about that the next time some dick cuts you off in traffic while talking on his cellphone causing you to drop your Pop-tarts in your lap and you will realize that your day has been a breeze compared to poor Crabby the crab (our fictional crab just got a name!).

"Do you think he will be aroused if I swim in his blowhole?"