Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  I know this video was on Tosh.0 this week, but it made me laugh so hard that I had to share it with those who didn't see it:

Summary:  I guess it's the fact that I envision this happening to my nephews at some point in the near future that makes it that much funnier.  And yes, I do think it's funny when my nephews get hurt in humorous ways.  Sue me.

Movie Trailer Review - A Million Ways to Die in the West

This is not a review of the trailer, but a review of this movie based entirely on this movie's trailer.  I have a special talent of being able to figure out whether a movie will be any good based just on the trailer and I'm finally putting that talent to good use.  Screw you, it's a real talent.

A Million Ways to Die in the West

First off, I have say that I have a long-standing stance that I won't see a comedy while it is in theater.  There is no point.  You can enjoy it at home and not miss anything that would make it a better movie by seeing it while in theaters.  Having said that, let's get on with the review.

I went with the red band trailer on this one because, well, I liked it more.  More cussing, more blood, more sense of what this movie is about.  Will this movie be good?  Hard to say.  It has a great cast.  Charlize Theron is the most naturally beautiful woman in Hollywood (if not the world), Liam Neeson is more entertaining than the garbage he usually stars in, Amanda Seyfried is....okay, Neil Patrick Harris is the man, but Seth MacFarlane casting himself as the lead is an interesting choice.  There's no doubt that he is funny and a talented voice artist, but can he act?  I don't know and that is why I have mixed feelings about this movie.  Should you see it?  Sure, but wait until it comes out on Blu-Ray.  There's no need to blow 10 bucks per ticket when you can watch it on your couch for far less cash.

Estimated Opening Weekend Box Office Gross - $35 million

What Kind of Fart This Movie Will Resemble:

The Chicken Soup Fart: One day I had chicken soup for lunch at work and then stopped off at the gym after work. When it came on, I eased it out, covered by the gym's muzak. It smelled exactly like chicken soup. A few feet away some woman sniffed and said; "Is somebody cooking?" I had to turn to the wall to hide my laughter.

Bonus Review - Maleficent

This is how imagine this movie got made:

Hollywood Big-Wig 1:  "Whoa, did you see how much money Snow White and the Huntsman made?  We need to do something like that."
Hollywood Big-Wig 2:  "Okay, okay, I got it.  We do Sleeping Beauty, make it darker but get a bigger actress to play the villain, like Angelina Jolie!"
Hollywood Big-Wig 1:  "Genius.  And why don't we make it all about the villain and make a crazy back story and I guess throw in the Sleeping Beauty story, no one will care if it's only about Angelina, right?"
Hollywood Big-Wig 2:  "We will be rolling in cocaine and hookers by next year!"

Something tells me this movie will suck balls.

Random Movie Trivia - TMNT

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

• The actors who physically portrayed the Turtles also had cameo roles in the film:
• Josh Pais, who plays Raphael, plays a passenger in the back of a taxicab right after Raphael hops on the cab's hood
• Michelan Sisti, who plays Michaelangelo, plays the pizza delivery man who delivers the pizza to the Turtles' sewer
• Leif Tilden, who plays Donatello, plays the Foot messenger that meets April in the subway station
• David Forman, who plays Leonardo, plays a gang member in the warehouse during Casey's fight with Tatsu.
• Josh Pais who played Raphael suffers from claustrophobia. After filming Raphael's scenes, he would have to take the helmet off very quickly. He also is the only actor in Turtle costume to also voice his character.
• Jim Henson, whose workshop provided the movie's turtle costumes, was reportedly upset about the level of violence in the finished movie.
• A super young Sam Rockwell plays a "Head Thug" of the Foot.
• All three newswomen seen or mentioned in the film are named after a month: April, May, and June.
• The film was set in New York City, but actually much of the filming took place in North Carolina, with only a couple of location shoots done in New York City to capture famous landmark areas.
• In the comics and the cartoons, the turtles are around 3-4ft. tall. However, for obvious costuming reasons, the turtles are the same height as April, Casey, Shredder, and the Foot Clan (Between 5'6-6'0).
• During the battle with Shredder, Leonardo is the only turtle to successfully land a strike when he hit Shredder on his arm with his sword.
• This is the only movie that I have ever waited in line to see.

"When I googled 'Corey Feldman do..', the search results came up 'Corey Feldman douchebag'.  That made me laugh."

Straw Crazy

I love pizza.  I love pizza shops, not the delivery chains.  The pizza is just generally better and there are more specialty pizzas.  There is one I have been to a few times near Atlanta called Big Pie in The Sky - it was featured on Man vs. Food.  Two people have to eat this gigantic meat lovers pizza in an hour.  I did it with 4 other co-workers and we ate only 75% of it.  I tell you that a lot of pizza places have larger slices and with that comes larger drinks.  Good move for today's America - bigger is always better.  The cups for the fountain drinks are at least 32 ounces - you know the huge red cups I'm talking about.  The huge slices and huge drinks make the pizza shop experience great....but then they ruin it.  If you have giant cups you HAVE to buy giant straws.  The above mentioned pizzeria have straws that are not even as tall as the glass!  What the hell am I supposed to do with that?  Should I take the straw out of the glass after each sip?  Should I MacGuyver two straws together with some gum and a paperclip?  Or, you could spend the extra 4 cents and get straws that make fit the cups.  You tell me which makes more sense, pizza places.

"Even babies are intimidated by the size of that slice."

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 17

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• Why do action movies never seem to get nominated for Best Picture?  There are some really good action movies out there.
• I can't believe the WNBA still exists.
• Why is my dog so scared of the vacuum cleaner?
• If a TV show is described as "Surprisingly Entertaining", is that a compliment or an insult?  I really don't know.
• I've always found it really funny how close "Santa" and "Satan" are spelled.
• It drives me crazy when I saw people call King Joffrey's death a "shocker" on Game of Thrones when the book the current season is based on came out 14 years ago.  Spoiler, there will be more "shocking" deaths before the season is over.  You know how I know?  I read a book.
• As cool as having a flying car would be, a world where they exist would be terrifying when one could crash into your home at any time.
• Do you think if someone finishes their round of Jeopardy! with negative money they have to pay the show that money?
• I loath pollen.
• I'm still confused about what the people who made the Super Mario Bros. movie were doing?  Did they even play the game before making the movie?  Hell, Mario and Luigi weren't even brothers in the movie even though it's right there in the title.
• With as much money as SHIELD throws around, you would think that they would be able to recreate the Super Soldier Serum again.
• I saw Godzilla yesterday and I liked it, but I couldn't get over how unattractive Elizabeth Olsen is.  Just look at that picture below, yuck.  And yes, she is related to the Olsen twins, she is their younger sister.

"I give her a 6, but that's being really really generous."

Today's Celebrity Birthdays - May 26th

I decided to start up a new post where I list the "celebrities" that were born on this day and then either praise them or mock them.  It will be fun, so let's do this:

• John Wayne (Deceased) - Now that I think about it, I don't think I have ever seen a single movie that The Duke has been in.  Is that even possible?  I guess so.
• Lenny Kravitz (50) - Remember when he used to be know as a singer?  Well, it turns out that he is a pretty decent actor and I actually liked him in The Hunger Games movies.
• Helena Bonham Carter (48) - Also known as Mrs. Tim Burton, because she is in every Tim Burton movie ever and because they are married, but not married, kind of like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn.  Despite being known as that actress in all of Tim Burton's movies, I will always remember her from Fight Club.
• Pam Grier (65) - Other than being in Jackie Brown, I can't name anything else she is been in, plus I somehow always get her confused with Wanda Sykes.  I swear I'm not racist.
• Matt Stone (42) - The co-creator of South Park is still going strong even though he is in his 40's now.  I still say that Baseketball was underrated.
• Brent Musburger (75) - Some know him as the voice of college football, others know him as the guy who discovered Jenn Sterger and Katherine Webb.  Either way, I love the guy, but am slightly pissed that he ditched ESPN for the SEC Network.
• Bobcat Goldthwait (52) - I recently heard an interview that he did and did you know he can't even do the voice he's known for anymore?  It's sad, but good for him for trying to move on from it.  Today, he mostly directs stuff like The Jimmy Kimmel Show.
• Astrid Berges-Frisbey (28) - Who?  She played the sexy mermaid in that piece of crap Pirates of the Caribbean 4.  In fact, she was the only reason to watch that thing.

"Now, imagine her with a fishtail and then you will recognize her."

Stupid State Laws - Arizona 4

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Arizona

"Hunting camels is prohibited."

The last time I checked, America isn't known for its rampant camel population.  Outside of zoos, I don't think there are any camels just roaming around the wilds of America.  Then again, I could be wrong.  But I'm never wrong and therefore, this law is ridiculous.  How exactly do you hunt an animal that doesn't just roam around the deserts(?) of Arizona?  I guess if some dumb rancher breeds these things for no reason, then you could walk onto his property and theoretically "hunt" a camel.  But I'm not sure that counts as hunting as much as it just counts as murdering livestock.  So, unless there are wild camels in America (which we have covered and I'm never wrong), then this law seems pointless and therefore, should be mocked like I am doing today.  Suck it, Arizona.

"A camel spider you say?  Well, I guess that's okay, isn't it, rookie?  Rookie?!?  Where in the hell did that kid go?  He knows the thing is dead, right?"

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  I finally got around to seeing The Wolf of Wall Street and other than the fact that it is a 3-hour advertisement for cocaine and quaaludes, I was amazed at how many times they said the f-word.  We here at Brainfart don't throw around that word as much as we could, so I thought we would get a year's worth done in one video.  Enjoy:

Summary:  Yup, that was the word "fuck" uttered a whooping 506 times breaking the old record of 435 from Summer of Sam.  I've never heard of the Summer of Sam and now that it no longer holds the record, no one else will either.

Movie Trailer Review - X-Men

This is not a review of the trailer, but a review of this movie based entirely on this movie's trailer.  I have a special talent of being able to figure out whether a movie will be any good based just on the trailer and I'm finally putting that talent to good use.  Screw you, it's a real talent.

X-Men: Days of Future Past

The old cast and the new cast?  Yes please.  I decided to include the trailer that shows us a lot more of the plot than any of the previous ones and it gives us a better idea of how this movie will play out.  Basically, mutants are being hunted down by Sentinels in the future, so future Professor X sends Wolverine back in time to convince his younger self to save everyone.  On top of that, young Magneto has been captured and young Professor X has to break him out of jail, then they get to saving the future by stopping Tyrion Lannister.  Did I need to tell you the plot of this movie?  Nope, but I did anyways.

As for the trailer, it looks awesome.  Seriously, all you need to do is look at that GIF below and that should be all that needs to convince you to see this thing.  Am I recommending this movie?  Yes, go see it and enjoy it with no worries of it being bad.  You're welcome.

Estimated Opening Weekend Box Office Gross - $80 million +

What Kind of Fart This Movie Will Resemble:

The Amplified Fart - This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions. For example, if you're sitting on an empty 55-gallon steel drum.

Bonus Review - Blended

Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in a crappy comedy.....NO!!!!!!

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Matt Damon

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Matt Damon

Top 5

Jason Bourne, The Bourne Movies - Come on, you knew this would be here.  In fact, other than Good Will Hunting, you could say that the first Bourne movie was what really got his career going, or at least bumped him up to stardom.
Mike McDermott, Rounders - I love this movie.  Maybe it was because I saw it while in college when the poker boom was happening, but either way, it was awesome.
Carol, 30 Rock - A TV role?  Yup.  But his part on 30 Rock proved how funny Matt is.  That and this video.
Will Hunting, Good Will Hunting - The first time anyone really noticed Matt was with this movie.  People still quote "How 'bout dem apples" to this day.
Donny, Eurotrip - He was only in this forgettable comedy for about a minute, but look at him down in that picture.  How awesome is that?  This movie was worth watching just for his character, and the good news is that it was at the beginning and you can stop watching after that.

Bottom 5

Linus, The Ocean's 11 Movies - It's either that he is somehow the third most attractive person in the cast (no homo) or that his character is so whiny, I just did not like this role for him.
Bob Tenor, Stuck on You - Have you ever seen this piece of garbage?  Matt and Greg Kinear are conjoined twins and a lot of dumb happens.  No thank you.
Benjamin Mee, We Bought A Zoo - Was this movie cute?  Not really.  Was Matt good in it?  Not really.
Sully, The Departed - His performance wasn't that bad, it's just that I was pulling for Leo the whole time and he got shot in the head, so it was quite nice when Matt got his comeuppance also, even if I still didn't like his part.
Wilhelm Grimm, The Brothers Grimm - Another piece of garbage.  What made him take this part?  Was it the chance to work with Heath Ledger?  I hope so, because it couldn't have been the script.

Snail Mail

I'll get right into it - why do big companies still rely on using regular mail to do business?  I requested a document from my mortgage company and they sent me an email saying that they would send the response in a letter in 10-14 days.  What the hell!!!  Just email me like a normal person.  The other day I paid my car loan by phone so I wouldn't have to deal with mailing a check.  They then sent me a letter of confirmation of the transaction - why would they do that?  Are they worried that someone else paid my bill?  Who cares - it got paid didn't it?  And if they sent it to via email, I could have just printed it out if they really wanted me to have a physical copy.  In the words of Mitch Hedburg, when someone sends stupid mail "it's kinda like saying 'Here, you throw this away'".

Are you telling me that as big as these companies are they cannot spend the money to maintain internet security!?!?  There is no reason why everything can't be done by phone and email.  Why these large companies would not want to do this and save time and money by not sending things via snail mail is beyond me.  Get it together corporate america - the Internets are here!

"The Internets - only used for porn since 1995."

Who Is This? Part 12

Alright, whatcha got?  Any idea?  Okay, hint time - he wore a big dorky hat in the one movie you know him from.  That did it right?  No?!?  What's wrong with you?  Fine, here's another hint - he stole his dad's Babe Ruth signed baseball that he then hit into The Beast's yard and he and his buddies had to find a way to get it back.  I know that did it.  That up there is Tom Guiry, aka Smalls from The Sandlot.  For once, I can actually see it.  Usually when I do these posts, the older guy looks nothing like his kid self, but I guess that's the point.

So, what has Tom been up to?  Well, he's still acting but hasn't been in anything you have heard of unless a guest spot on Elementary counts.  He did have small parts in Black Hawk Down and Mystic River a while back.  Lately, he hasn't done much of anything, but at least he is still getting work, so there's that, right?

NOKW - Pacific Rim

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Pacific Rim

Basic Plot:  Giant robots fight giant monsters.  Enough said.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that building giant robots was humanity's first thought when it came to defeating giant monsters.  The fact that this movie wasn't that bad except for the fact that nothing happens for an hour between awesome fight scenes.  The fact that anyone lives anywhere near the Pacific Rim when a new giant monster shows up every few weeks to destroy a city.  The fact that the whole two pilot/mind-melding thing still doesn't make sense.  The fact that the robot pilots are all supposed to be really good fighters when their robots can't do anything remotely close to their fighting style.  The fact that I don't understand how the humans can put the monsters into categories as soon as they come out of The Breach.  The fact that the bad guys can so easily keep creating their giant monsters when something that size would take decades to grow, hell, they even point out that the giant monsters can get pregnant.  The fact that the giant robots seem to be too easily defeated and have too many weak spots.  The fact that the giant robots' cockpits can be knocked around so easily which has to make it impossible to fight a giant monster when it is constantly knocking them around.  The fact that the giant robots were flown around by helicopters and yet heavy enough to do battle with giant monsters.  The fact that if a giant robot picked up a large boat to use as a weapon, that boat would snap in half before the robot even tried to swing it, even though it did look really cool.  The fact that I love Charlie Day (of It's Always Sunny fame), but he was terrible in this movie.  The fact that I can't figure out why the first giant monsters didn't come equipped with acid spit and EMP.  The fact that the humans didn't just dump millions of tons of concrete on top of The Breach and block the bad guys from ever getting through.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that it would be way more cost effective to just build a bunch of giant weapons to blow up the giant monsters than it would be to build giant robots that carry giant weapons anyways.  It never crossed their minds that building a bunch of plasma cannons every few miles along the coast would be cheaper and way more effective than building giant robots?  Seriously, it pisses me off even more that the giant robots would even engage the giant monsters in combat when they generally just shoot the things anyways.  Why not just stand back and shoot it from afar?  And if you are going to do that, why build giant robots in the first place?  Nothing about the humans "Giant Robot" project makes any sense other than to create a cool concept for a movie.  I am not okay with that.

"And if your giant robot has a giant sword, why not just wield it at the beginning of the fight?"

Stupid State Laws - Arizona 3

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Arizona

"When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses."

You have got to be kidding me, Arizona.  Do you realize how stupid this law truly is?  So, if a criminal or burglar barges into your house with nothing but a spork, you can't just shoot him for being an idiot?  What if he is wielding a couple of large salmon and swinging them all around the place, is the fight supposed to stop while you go down to the local grocery store and hope they have salmon in stock so the fight can resume?  Seriously, Arizona should have really thought this through before putting such a law into the books.  Salmon twirling bad guys (probably) exist.

"This isn't fair, I don't have a sweet pair of heels like this lady, who by the way is totally kicking my ass."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Russia is crazy - they proved that at the Olympics.  This video takes that to a new extreme.  Just a couple of Russians shooting missiles into the side of a mountain, what could happen?

Summary:  Oh yea, that.  I like how they are all still in denial until the last second when it is too late.  It would be surreal seeing that coming from that far away.  You are a wild one, Putin!

Movie Trailer Review - Godzilla

This is not a review of the trailer, but a review of this movie based entirely on this movie's trailer.  I have a special talent of being able to figure out whether a movie will be any good based just on the trailer and I'm finally putting that talent to good use.  Screw you, it's a real talent.

Godzilla

Okay, let's get this out of the way.  It's going to be really tough to convince myself or anyone to go see another Godzilla movie after that piece of shit that came out in 1998.  Do you remember how pumped you were to see that thing?  It looked awesome.  And then you bought your ticket and witnessed an atrocity to the eyeballs.  Holy shit, that thing was bad.  So, when they announced they were making another American-made Godzilla, only negative thoughts came to mind.  Like I said it's going to be really tough to convince anyone to see this thing, but they might just do it.

As for the trailer, I'm just glad that this Godzilla actually looks like Godzilla and not a big iguana.  Seriously, he looks HUGE!  And yet, some fans are complaining that the monster looks "too fat".  Come on, people, don't complain just for the sake of complaining, get a life.  Otherwise, while Bryan Cranston is well known for being a great TV actor, his movie track record isn't so hot.  Outside of Argo, his recent movies have been that stupid Total Recall remake, Rock of Ages, and John Carter.  Yeah, if you base this movie off of Cranston's recent track record, it doesn't look like it has a chance.  However, having said that, I still feel like they might have something here, only because this Godzilla looks so cool.  Plus no Matthew Broderick.  Should you go see this?  Yes, but only because this seems like the kind of movie you should see in a theater.  Am I going to see it?  Probably, but that's because I got $60 in movie gift cards and I have to spend that on something.

Estimated Opening Weekend Box Office Gross - $70 million +

What Kind of Fart This Movie Will Resemble:

The Snart: This is a fart that you succeed in suppressing so as not to not to offend, but then a sneeze jars it loose.

Random Movie Trivia - Armageddon

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Armageddon

• Regarding the film's premise, Ben Affleck asked director Michael Bay, "Wouldn't it be easier for NASA to train astronauts how to drill rather than training drillers to be astronauts?" Bay told Affleck to shut up.
• NASA shows this film during their management training program. New managers are given the task of trying to spot as many errors as possible. At least 168 have been found.
• After Rockhound (Steve Buscemi) gets space dementia, the shuttle crew wraps him in duct tape, which is, in fact, NASA protocol for immobilizing a crazed crew member.
• Bruce Willis came to the film after he decided a comedy he was filming called "Broadway Brawler" could not be salvaged and sought a way to exit the project. Disney's then-headJoe Roth worked out a deal where Willis would star in Armageddon and two future films for the studio, and in exchange Disney would absorb the failed project's costs as an advance against his initial salary. The two films Willis later made under this deal were The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable.
• Director Michael Bay had the actors write their list of demands on the papers that Bruce Willis read from.
• Steve Buscemi's line about sitting on a million pounds of fuel in a rocket built by the lowest bidder is a variation of an actual radio transmission by Mercury astronaut Alan Shepard, just prior to lift-off.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger was considered for the role of Harry Stamper.
• Liv Tyler turned down the role of Grace Stamper twice before finally accepting.  Denise Richards was considered for the role of Grace Stamper.
• During the filming of this movie, the cast and crew worked around $19 billion worth of equipment, including a real oil rig and real space shuttle.

"This guy was still the best part of the movie."

The Case of the Hairy Beard

It seems like the cool people of America, or at least the wanna-be cool people, are growing what I can only describe as eccentrically ironic beards.  They usually look a little ragged and a little too big, but some people pull them off well.  I don't really mind them, people can do what they want.  However, it has really raised the people watching game.  But on to my point, there is one aspect of having a large beard that is awful and disgusting.  How do those people deal with haircuts?  When I get a haircut I have bits of hair everywhere.  It's like I stuck my head in the sand at the beach, but the sand is hair - that stuff gets everywhere!  I still find some here and there on my neck or behind my ear long after the haircut.  So, if I were to have a beard I could only imagine how much hair would get stuck in there.  It has to randomly come out in the days after your haircut into whatever you are doing or eating.  I would imagine there are several small hairs in every single food item you eat in the next week.  There has to be something barbers do to prevent this.  Maybe they put another cloth over your beard to deflect the hairs, like a smaller smock specially made for beards.  Even with that there is no way you can eliminate it all.  Enjoy your hair food hipsters, you deserve it!

"Might as well do this after a haircut."

Stupid State Laws - Alaska

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Alaska

"While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited."

Wait a damn minute here!  They actually had to make this a law!  It actually exists in their books?!?  Who in their right mind would even think this would be a good idea?  Well, I guess I answered my own question, because only an idiot would wake up a 500 pound killing machine just so they can take their picture with it.  And while taking a picture with a bear would look pretty cool as your Facebook profile picture, do you know what else would look pretty cool?  A picture with a sleeping bear.  Why not just do that?  People of Alaska, how many of you died before this became a law?  The answer should be zero, but no, you had to go and get mauled to death and now you forced your local lawmakers to put a stop to it.  Way to go, idiots.

"Well, Sarge, he took the picture while the bear was still asleep, that apparently is legal."
"Damn it, rookie, has this constant daylight fried your brain, wake up that bear yourself and we will pin it on that idiot so we can arrest his ass."

Today's Celebrity Birthdays - May 12th

I decided to start up a new post where I list the "celebrities" that were born on this day and then either praise them or mock them.  It will be fun, so let's do this:

• Emilio Estevez (52) - What in the hell happened to Charlie Sheen's sane brother's career?  The Breakfast Club, Young Guns, The Mighty Ducks.  All great movies.  After that, nothing.  We haven't heard from him again.  What happened?
• Tony Hawk (46) - Tony is still doing his skateboard thing at 46, I guess you gotta do what pays the bills, right?
• Jason Biggs (36) - If you look at his IMDB page, his "Known For" movies are American Pie 1, 2, 3, and 4.  I feel like that pretty much wraps up his entire career.
• Emily Vancamp (28) - Star of the TV show Revenge and recently seen in Captain America 2, but there is just something about her that irks me.  I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't like her.
• Yogi Berra (89) - A Hall of Fame baseball player who might be the most unintentionally funny person ever.  Just click on this link, he says the funniest dumb stuff ever.
• Ving Rhames (55) - Can you name anything he's been in other than Pulp Fiction or a couple Mission: Impossible movies?  If you said Piranha 3D, then you watch really bad movies.
• Malin Akerman (36) - Do you remember the first time you saw this sexy Swede?  I do.  She was flashing her bush in that horrible Ben Stiller movie, The Heartbreak Kid.
• Stephen Baldwin (48) - The third most famous Baldwin brother and the one that I always confuse for the brother that was in Bio-Dome but was actually the one from The Usual Suspects.  (I have just been informed that Stephen was in both Bio-Dome and The Usual Suspects, I'm an idiot)
• Gabriel Byrne (64) - Speaking of The Usual Suspects, Gabriel played the leader of the group, Dean Keaton.  You would have thought this movie catapulted his career to bigger and better things.  Well, you would be wrong, I don't know another movie he is in.
• George Carlin (Deceased) - RIP George, we still miss you.

"Her sex scene in Watchmen is the only reason I know who she is."

Brainfart NFL Draft Reactions

Alex's Takes

• Tampa Bay has huge people on offense now - Vincent Jackson 6'-5", McCown 6'-4", Glennon 6'-6", Tommy Streeter (WR) 6'-5", Mike Evans 6'-5", TE Austin Seferian-Jenkins 6'-6".  How do you guard that?
• I don't like Clemson but Martavius Bryant went way too low. He is 6'-4" and ran a 4.4 40 yard dash! Mike Evans is an inch taller but a tenth of a second slower.
• Miami went a fifth straight year without having a first round pick.  Even with all the ESPN draft coverage and everyone knowing that most ESPN analysts will pick Miami to win their side of the ACC.
• It took 8 picks for a team to draft someone I had never heard of.  You can always count on the Browns.
• With all the hype around him and potential marketing windfall coupled with the fact that Jerry Jones seems to be a jock sniffer, I am a little surprised Dallas didn't take Johnny Football (TM).
• Smart trade by the Vikings.  If you want a player, especially a potential franchise QB, it's always good to get them in the first round because the team gets a fifth year option for the average cost of the 3rd-25th highest paid QBs.  Basically if you take a player in the first round you get him really cheap for an extra year than if you took him in the second round.
• I have nothing against gay people, but it was a little strange to see a recently drafted football player, Michael Sam, kiss another man.

Sambo's Takes

• After walking off the stage, Clowney was immediately interviewed by Suzie Colber and I couldn't help but laugh because he kept calling her 'man'.
• It appears only the media likes Johnny Manziel and the ESPN guys keep making up excuses for every team to draft him.  At one point, Jon Gruden tried to convince the other hosts that the Eagles should take him even though they have their QB of the future in Nick Foles.
• Manziel is smaller, slower, and has a weaker arm than the guy who he probably compares to the most, that being RGIII.  So, tell me, what is it about him that screams Top 5 pick to these panelists?  I just don't get it.
• P.S.  Franchise-saving QBs don't fall to the 22nd pick.  Manziel will sell tickets, but the odds of him ever playing a full season (b/c he will get hurt a lot) is slim to none, and his career won't last long enough to be worthy of a first round pick.
• Why did Cleveland move up one spot (from 9th to 8th) for a player that Minnesota wasn't going to take anyways?
• My favorite part of the 1st round is seeing all of these so called draft experts' mock drafts crash and burn so quickly.  Why do we even listen to them?
• I laughed when Barry Sanders came out to announce the Lions pick and his head barely cleared the microphone on the podium (see below).
• Sammy Watkins and CJ Spiller (my Clemson Tigers' two greatest offensive players in school history) on the same team?  I would say that is scary except that team is Buffalo and there is nothing scary about Buffalo.
• How silly was it to hear Ray Lewis have to say the name Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix?
• Is it just me or does anyone else find the puppet wife from the DirectTV wireless cables commercial hot?  Just me?  Oh.  Never mind.
• If you were projected to get drafted late in the 1st round, why would you ever go to New York and risk having to sit in the Green Room overnight?
• I'm mad at myself for actually checking out 2nd Round Mock Drafts, but was happy when they all blew up when Houston didn't take a QB with the first pick of the 2nd round.
• The ESPN guys talked way too much about hand size and it made me giggle even though they never made any 'hand-size' jokes.
• Dear ESPN, once the 2nd round is over, stop scrolling the 1st round picks on the bottom-line, it takes way too long to cycle around to the current picks.  Same goes for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th rounds.  They finally stopped scrolling the whole draft at the beginning of the 6th round.
• Do you know how I know Mel Kiper Jr is an idiot?  His 31st ranked prospect was drafted 106th overall and then claimed him to be a steal instead of admitting he is an idiot.
• The University of Texas had zero players drafted despite having Top 5 recruiting classes during the years that those players would be draft eligible.  How is that even possible?
• Where in the draft does a player go from being a guy who will have a long career to a guy who will probably be cut next season with the crop of draftees?  The 3rd round?  4th round?
• The Johnny Manziel Award (goes to the player who will be the most over-analyzed player in the draft) for next year's draft will go to FSU's Jameis Winston.

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Ever wonder what the world's largest water slide looks like?

Summary:  I really wish I was a kid again, not because I wouldn't go down this as an adult (I totally would), but because I'm fairly sure I could only walk up those stairs once before being done for the day.  But still, that does look awesome despite the butt-clenching view once you get to the top.  I'm not scared of heights, but it's hard not to get queasy once you get to a certain height and I'm fairly sure that water slide is right on the threshold.

On the Lighter Side

In my bedroom and in my room that I am letting my daughter use we have three way light bulbs.  There never seems to be anything wrong with a three way until it actually occurs or is in use.  I will focus on just the light bulb three way. The idea is great, you can adjust the light according to your needs.  There are a lot of problems however.  Let's start with the elephant in the room - who uses the middle setting?  You either want is really bright to see what you are doing or just enough light to see for a nightlight or mood lighting.  No one ever wants it to be brighter than a low, subtle light but not so bright to read or do anything detailed by. The solution to this one is eliminate the second way of the three way light.  The other problem with these bulbs is the big problem.  When you turn them on you get the dimmest setting, followed by the irrelevant middle setting, followed by the brightest setting.  The problem with this is that you cannot use it at night because you only turn the knob once to turn it on, then you do whatever you do, then you go to turn it off because you want darkness.  Hold on, first you have to turn the knob several more turns just to cut the light off.  In the meantime the light gets BRIGHTER with every turn thus blinding you while at the same time making you super annoyed.  There is nothing worse that turning off a light to go to bed and in doing so making your room as bright as possible.  My solution is this - just use a regular light bulb.  What's the point of the settings?  If you want that choice get a dimmer, otherwise deal with the one light setting that has been fine for people since the beginning of light bulbs.

"No, three way BULB...you have to read the whole sentence."

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Tom Cruise

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Tom Cruise

Top 5

Maverick, Top Gun - No list of Tom Cruise's best characters can't include the (possibly gay, have you seen the volleyball scene) ace fighter pilot, Maverick.
Jack, Legend - I saw this movie as a kid and loved it.  Tim Curry as the devil might have haunted my dreams, but it was still awesome.  Also, this might be the only other movie that the chick from Ferris Bueller was ever in.
Cole Trickle, Days of Thunder - To be honest, it's the character's name that did it here.  The movie was decent, but that name is classic.
Lestat, Interview with a Vampire - Ah yes, the vampire movie before vampire movies became popular.  Brad Pitt was pretty good, but Tom Cruise was the best part of this thing.
Les Grossman, Tropic Thunder - By far Tom Cruise's greatest character ever.  When he yells "Go fuck yourself" into the phone, clicks it off, and then asks who that was made me laugh more than any other funny moment in all of Tom Cruise's movies combined.

Bottom 5

Joel Goodson, Risky Business - Okay, when you were a teenager and your parents left you home alone, was your first thought, "I should get a hooker"?  No.  Getting laid was on the list, but paying for it wasn't and that's why I don't like this guy.
Nathan Algan, The Last Samurai - So boring.  So stupid.
Col. Claus con Strauttenberg, Valkyrie - Did you know that Tom played a German guy in this movie?  Did you also notice that he didn't have a German accent?  Way to play the part, Tom.
Roy Miller, Knight and Day - Cameron Diaz sucks and I only liked two of her movies ever.  There's Something About Mary and The Mask.  Those were 20 years ago.
Charlie Babbitt, Rain Man - Who exploits their autistic brother's ability to count cards?  A dick, that's who.

"The first time I saw this movie, it took me 5 minutes until I even realized that this was Tom Cruise."

The Force

This week, we celebrated Star Wars Day, aka "May the 4th Be With You".  And that got me to thinking - what exactly is it that "The Force" does for somebody who can wield it?  If I really cared, I'm sure I could find any number of books written on the subject by some super dorks, I mean fans, but I want to know what the Force is based solely off of what we saw in the 6 Star Wars movies.  With that being the basis, this is what we know about "The Force".

• You have to have some sort of stuff in your blood in order to use the Force, but that's irrelevant because it was covered in The Phantom Menace and I refuse to believe that movie exists even if I did just mention it.
• You can move things with your mind, telekinesis-style.
• You can bend people to your will like Professor X.
• You can uhhhh....feel stuff, kind of.
• You become a visible ghost after you die.
• If you are a bad guy, you can shoot lightening out of your hands.  That seems to be the only upside to going over to the Dark Side.
• And I think you have to have the ability to use the Force in order to use a lightsaber, but I'm nor sure about that.  We only see Jedi use them, so this is an assumption on my part and I don't feel like looking it up.
• Also, I guess it allows you to deflect laser beams with your lightsaber, but that might just be really good training.

That's about it.  Four, maybe five things if you are a good guy and one extra thing if you are a bad guy.  But considering how cool the Force sounds, you would think it would allow you to be able to do a lot more cool stuff, like teleport or stop time.  And now that I think about it, what in the hell is the Force?  How do the Jedi know that it isn't just that stuff in their blood that allows them to do all this stuff and not some mythical power?  That would make more sense, because if there is a magic power floating through the air, I feel like with the technology in those movies, they could create a machine that could harness it for other purposes.  Oh well.  So, what did we learn today?  Nothing, absolutely nothing.  You're welcome.

"If The Force actually existed, you know people would do stuff like this all the time and post it to Facebook.  We are so dumb."

Brainfart Crush of the Month - May

At the beginning of every month, we here at Brainfart will be bringing you our Brainfart Crush of the Month!  Sometimes it will be someone you have heard of, sometimes it will be just a random hottie you may have seen before, and sometimes it might be my neighbor.  Who knows!  Let's see who we picked this month:

This is Alison Brie.  If you are a fan of comedies, you know her as Annie Edison from Community and if you are a fan of dramas, then you know her as Trudy Campbell from Mad Men.  She is this month's Brainfart Crush solely based on that picture above.  Plus I heard her interviewed on a podcast recently and she was hilarious, on top of the fact that she looks really sexy as a cartoon (not that I'm into that sort of thing).  Congratulations Alison on this prestigious honor!

Random Movie Trivia - Men In Black

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Men In Black

• The MIB headquarters are located in the ventilation tower of the Brooklyn-Battery Tunnel, which connects Manhattan with Brooklyn.
• Actor Vincent D'Onofrio researched his role as Edgar by watching a lot of bug documentaries. In order to achieve his character's distinctive walk, he put on knee braces so he couldn't bend his legs, and taped up his ankles.
• According to the novelization, J is right to shoot Tiffany, the cardboard cutout on the MIB firing range. She's actually a dangerous alien in disguise, while all of the other aliens around are completely harmless.
• The "known aliens" visible on the screen at MiB headquarters include Al Roker, Isaac Mizrahi, Danny DeVito, director Barry Sonnenfeld, Chloe Sonnenfeld (Barry's daughter), Sylvester Stallone,Dionne Warwick, Newt Gingrich, Anthony Robbins, George Lucas, and executive producer Steven Spielberg.
• Clint Eastwood was offered the role of K but turned it down.
• Chris O'Donnell was first offered the role of J, but he turned it down because he thought it was another "new recruit" role like his performance of Dick Grayson from Batman Forever (1995) and Batman & Robin (1997).  David Schwimmer was asked to play the role of J before Will Smith, but turned it down.
• Will Smith was cast because Barry Sonnenfeld's wife was a fan of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
• When K reveals there are about 1500 aliens on Earth and most of them are on Manhattan just trying to make a living, James asks "Cab drivers?". This is a reference to writer Douglas Adams's 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' novels, particularly the final novel 'So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish', where archivist Ford Prefect's entry in the Guide hints that driving a cab is a good way to make a living for aliens visiting New York.
• Quentin Tarantino was originally offered the chance to direct, but turned it down.
• Linda Fiorentino "won" her role in Men in Black in a poker game with director Barry Sonnenfeld. Afterwards he warned her she would not be in any nude scenes.
• The noise the neuralyzer makes when it flashes is the sound of a strobe flash reloading.
• John Turturro was offered the role of Edgar, but had to decline due to other commitments.

"Chris, when we said 'Men in Black', this is not what we were talking about.  You know what, you're out, we're going with the Fresh Prince."

Stupid State Laws - Alabama 5

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Alabama

"It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile."

Holy crap, that seems really dangerous.  Wait a second, don't headlights count as a lantern?  I would say yes and that makes this doubly dangerous.  Any idiot (and Alabama is full of them) could drive the wrong way down a one-way street, claim their headlights were on and get away with their crime.  Sure, this law probably meant a literal lantern, but times have changed, Alabama, and you guys need to update this law.  However, that doesn't explain the reason behind the law in first place.  Why have one-way streets if you are only going to allow people to drive the wrong way on them anyways?  Alabama, that's just dumb.

"Well, he does have a lantern on the front of his car, Sarge."
"Shut up, rookie and arrest that funny man."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  This is a little older - pre-playoffs - but it is a solid one.  Just an innocent post-game interview with Joakim Noah.

Summary:  When he finds out the weather is bad it's like someone just kicked his puppy.  This just goes to prove that no matter how famous you are or how much money you make, there is one thing that can make or break your day - the weather.  I guess that's why everyone talks about it so much.  Makes you wonder why people live in Chicago.....and the murders.

Movie Trailer Review - Spider-Man 2

This is not a review of the trailer, but a review of this movie based entirely on this movie's trailer.  I have a special talent of being able to figure out whether a movie will be any good based just on the trailer and I'm finally putting that talent to good use.  Screw you, it's a real talent.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

At first, I was pretty excited about this movie, but then they just kept adding villains and now I'm not so sure because it reminds me too much of that atrocity Spider-Man 3.  Even though I like Jamie Foxx and Paul Giamatti (did you know his dad used to be the MLB Commissioner?), I have never heard of their characters before.  Seriously, who are Electro and The Rhino?  And on top of them, they are giving us the Green Goblin, who is played by that guy (Dane DeHaan) from that movie about kids who get superpowers, Chronicle, who I think is a great actor, but still, why so many villains?  They really should scale it back a little considering they have two more sequels already in the pipe.

Anyways, on to the trailer.  The trailer I put in up there is the one that shows how Jamie Foxx becomes Electro and even shows a little bit of his and Spider-Man's first confrontation.  And frankly, I don't see how Spider-Man can defeat that guy, he looks way more powerful.  In any case, this movie looks decent, the effects look on par to the rest of the superhero movies they throw at us each year, but the plot looks a little more complicated than it needs to be.  It's going to be a real debate as to whether I go see this in the theater or not.  I saw the first one during its first week and liked it more than most people, but after watching the trailer for this one, something about it doesn't seem to sit right with me.  So, I going to recommend seeing it only if you are bored and have ten bucks to burn.

Estimated Opening Weekend Box Office Gross - $100 million +

What Kind of Fart This Movie Will Resemble:

The Dud Fart - The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

NOKW - 300

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  300

Basic Plot:  The story of a bunch of scantily clad dudes killing a bunch of bad guys.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that these guys are considered hardcore warriors and yet fight in nothing but glorified speedos and a cape.  The fact that Spartan kids are not traumatized after going through their warrior upbringing.  The fact that Leonidas would just kick a dude down a well for delivering a message.  The fact that Michael Fassbender, aka the young Magneto, is in this movie.  The fact that Lena Headley, aka Cersai Lannister, plays Leonidas' wife in this movie.  The fact that even though I know this is based on a graphic novel, having monsters part of the fight makes no sense of a real historical event.  The fact that anyone would be okay with hauling their leader around on a super huge, super heavy throne.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that there are more than 300 guys.  Yup, there were more than 300, therefore the title is a lie.  As soon as our title group sets off, they run into some Arcadians and Greeks who join their army.  You remember the scene, it's where Leonidas asks them what profession each one is, they respond things like baker and farmer, and then he asks his group what profession they are and they all yell something that I assume means warrior.  So, what does 300 plus another group of guys equal?  More than 300.  I am not okay with that.