Extinct Animals

I was randomly reading a National Geographic the other day while at the doctor's office when I stumbled upon an interesting article.  In said article, scientists are currently discussing which extinct animals they were going to bring back to life through the miracle of cloning.  On their list, they included some lame animals like the Dodo, Labrador Duck, a crappy seal, and some kind of woodpecker (hehe), but they also listed a couple cool animals to bring back like the Sabre-toothed Cat, the Woolly Mammoth, and the Tasmanian Tiger.

With such an experiment going on, I had to get in on this.  Here is my list of extinct animals I want brought back from the land of the dead (you may notice that most of the animals I want back are terrifying, I have no explanation for that, so don't ask):

• Stegosaurus - this guy was my favorite dinosaur as a kid, so having the chance to hang out with one could only mean good things for me.  I would name him Chappy and we would go around crushing cars like a monster truck.  It would be glorious.
• Titanboa Cerrejonensis, Giant Snake - there is no real reason to bring this monster back to life other than to allow it to take care of Jennifer Lopez like that Anaconda should have done in the first place.  I really don't like her.
• Sabre-Toothed Cat - we would have to find a way to cross-breed this thing with a regular house cat, that way we would have miniature Sabre-Toothed Cats running around, which would be beyond awesome.
• Arctodus Simus, Giant Bear - this thing can grow to about 14 feet tall and weigh over 2,000 lbs and would make movies involving bears that much cooler.
• Irish Deer - I picked this guy only because its antlers width could grow to 12 feet from tip to tip and if there is anything the world needs, it's more kickass looking antlers to mount on our walls.
• Carcharodon/Carcharocles Megalodon, Giant Shark - there is absolutely no reason to have this creature roaming the seas again....unless we could figure out a way to arm them and set them loose on America's enemies.  Get on it, Department of Defense.
• Caspian Tiger - I went to Clemson and our mascot was the tiger, therefore, having more tigers in the world is always a good thing.
• Mamenchisaurus - this dinosaur could grow up to 50 feet long and close to 4/5ths of that was its neck.  Just think about such a freak, you know you would go and see something as cool looking as this dino.
• Arthropleura Armata - why would you want to bring back an 8 foot long bug, you ask.  Because it gives little boys another thing to throw on little girls in the never-ending War of the Sexes and finally boys will have the leg up.
• Gigantopithecus, Giant Ape - I want this guy back so that we can let one loose near the crew of Finding Bigfoot, that why they can finally find it, get cancelled, and America's IQ can start rising again.
• One Tyrannosaurus Rex - yes, only one at a time.  I don't want a Jurassic Park situation happening where two male T-rexes escape and one of the two changes sexes and can multiply which cannot be good for humans.  But having a T-rex around HAS to happen, that monster is too awesome not to exist.

"You all know this picture explains exactly why having a T-Rex around would be totally worth it."

Reese Goes American Psycho: Can't Walk the Line Outside of Sweet Home Alabama

Two Fridays ago Reese Witherspoon was arrested for being a passenger of a drunk driver.  How is that possible you ask?  By being a stereo-typically entitled celebrity.  Let us analyze the police report shall we?

• Turns out her real name is Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon thus asserting her fake-ness right up front.
• Her hair was listed as red.  This is the best argument she has in court, I don't think her hair is or has ever been red - see mug shot below.
• They were driving a Ford Fusion with Florida plates.  WHAT!?!?!?  Why Florida?  Why a Fusion?  If you are going to commit to being a yuppie/hippie go Prius.  If you don't want to be a douche then go with a not Fusion
• The arresting officer's unit is called the nighthawks - AWESOME!
• They are very specific with their reports - the officer even noted that her husband was chewing mint gum.
• I don't think you should get in trouble for wanting to get out of a Ford Fusion - who can blame her.
• I like the drunk thinking that her husband decided doing the sobriety test on the street wasn't working  but if he did it on the sidewalk he would ace it.
• Of course she dropped the "Do you know who I am?".  Perfect.
• I cannot believe that the cop didn't let them go when she explained to him that they were American citizens - that is usually an automatic out.
• I thought it might turn a little sexy when this happened: "I put my hands on Mrs. Witherspoon's arms to arrest her".
• Now comes the part getting lost in this story. The official government issued breath alcohol test device is....... The Intoxilyzer 5000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How great is that!?!  No go on your way with a smile on your face.

"She did not blink, her eyes just never opened."

Random Movie Trivia - Spider-Man

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Spider-Man

• Before Willem Defoe was cast as the Green Goblin, the part was offered to Nicolas Cage, John Malkovich, and Robert De Niro.  While I really like Willem Defoe, Malkovich or Cage would have made decent choices as well, but I just don't see De Niro pulling it off.  Also, Edward Norton was offered the part but turned it down to do Red Dragon.
• During the Thanksgiving scene, both Peter Parker and Norman Osbourne are wearing their respective alter egos' colors.
• Leonardo DiCaprio and Freddie Prinze Jr. were considered for the role of Peter Parker.  Both too pretty and not nerdy enough to me.  Also, as a strange twist of fate, Leo and Tobey Maguire will be starring in The Great Gatsby this summer.
• James Cameron wrote a script (scroll down to #6) for the movie and if you clicked on that link you will find out that that version was terrible.  On top of that, Charlie Sheen actively campaigned for the part of Peter Parker in Cameron's movie and Cameron wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger to play Doctor Octopus.  That would have been awful.
• For the part of Mary Jane, Eliza Dushku, Kate Hudson, Tara Reid, and Elisha Cuthbert auditioned for the role with Hudson being the odds on favorite but she opted to do another movie.
• Tobey Maguire had to have his Spider-Man suit specially modified so that he could use the bathroom without having to take the whole thing off.
• In the final fight scene, the special effects department had to alter the color of blood coming out of Tobey Maguire's nose so that they could keep a PG rating.  To this day, I still don't understand why having blood in a movie would affect a movie's rating.
• James Franco dyed his hair so that he resembled his on-screen father but he didn't decide to do this until after filming started and in the scene where he visits Aunt May in the hospital, you will notice that his hair is still its original black.
• In the original trailer, they showed a bank heist where the bank robbers escaped via helicopter and were eventually caught in a web between the World Trade Center towers.  Sadly, 9/11 occurred before the movie released and the trailer had to be changed.
• In the World Unity Parade fight scene, a billboard in the background shows a police officer with the words "Protecting, Serving, Blah Blah Blah" on it.
• Kirsten Dunst wears a red wig in this movie, but liked the hair color so much that she dyed her hair for the two sequels.
• In the scene where Peter Parker catches falling Mary Jane and her lunch tray along with everything on it was not CGI.  The tray had a sticky pad on it that kept Tobey's hand from slipping and after many takes, Tobey successfully caught everything.
• Randy "Macho Man" Savage plays the wrestler Bonesaw in the movie.  Oddly enough, early in his career, Savage wrestled under the name "The Spider".
• Chris Columbus was offered to direct the movie but he opted to do the first Harry Potter film instead. Thankfully, they went with Sam Raimi.

"I could see this De Niro playing the Green Goblin, but not today's De Niro."

Movie Sequels, Prequels, and More - Comic Book Edition

Here comes another edition of one of my favorite posts, Movie Sequels, Prequels, and More.  Basically, I love making these lists because it shows how unoriginal Hollywood has become and how few ideas they have anymore.  This time I will only be covering the next batch of comic book movies in the pipe.  Let's do this:

• Aquaman - Didn't they already make this one?  It starred Vinnie Chase and was directed by James Cameron.  Oh wait, that was on Entourage.  Well, the good news is that this movie can't be any more stupid than the fake version.
• Black Panther - I actually had to look up who in the hell this guy is and guess what, he is ridiculously stupid.  He is the chieftain of something called the "Wakandan Panther Clan", on top of that he is also a skilled hunter, tracker, strategist, politician, inventor, and scientist.  For some reason it is set to come out next summer despite having no star or director lined up.
• Doctor Strange - Growing up, this was fellow Brainfart contributor Alex's favorite comic book.  Who is Doctor Strange?  I still don't know but I do know Alex might finally go see a comic book movie while it is in the theater.
• Ant-Man - I don't know what is more ridiculous, that a movie about a "superhero" that has the ability to control insects is being made or that Edgar Wright, the director of Shaun of the Dead will be taking the helm for this thing.  Total coin flip.
• Guardians of the Galaxy - Not only is this movie set to release in 2015, but one of the characters is a gun-wielding racoon named Rocket Racoon.  I'm not kidding.  However, you know this movie will probably be better than Adam Sandler's next turd, Grown Ups 2.
• Justice League - This one is supposed to come out in 2015 and unless Christian Bale is playing Batman, then don't bother.....unless Adam West reprieves his role, then it just might be awesome.
• Deadpool - Yup, they are doing a movie with the character Ryan Reynolds played in that Wolverine movie.  Making this even more ridiculous is that Ryan Reynolds is already signed up meaning he will still be the only actor to have played three comic book characters (Green Lantern, Deadpool, and Hannibal King)
• The Flash - It's actually about time they made a movie about this guy.  I know that The Flash isn't the most popular superhero, but a movie about him can't be any worse that that piece of shit Green Lantern movie......right?
• Luke Cage - The only thing I know about Luke Cage is that when Nicolas Cage picked a stage name, he decided to use this character's last name instead of his own because he wanted to separate himself from his more famous uncle, Francis Ford Coppola.
• Nick Fury - You got it, Samuel L. Jackson is getting his own movie based on his character from The Avengers.  However, did you know they already made a movie based on Nick Fury?  It was a shitty TV movie starring David Hasselhoff.
• Wonder Woman - After they failed to remake this into a TV series a couple years ago, what makes them think that anyone will go see a movie about the same character?
• X-Men 5 - This is the sequel to the prequel in the X-Men series starring Oscar Winner Jennifer Lawrence and is set to come out next summer.  Is it necessary?  Nah, but Peter Dinklage (Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones) will be in it, so maybe I will go see it.  Then again, I just read that the plot revolves around Kitty Pryde sending her brain back in time....what?!?

"Yup, this guy is getting his own movie for some reason."

NOKW - Watchmen

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Watchmen

Basic Plot:  The graphic novel of the same name is brought to the big screen showing a world where Nixon is still president (kind of like Futurama) in the 80's and costumed vigilantes are considered normal.  Also, there is a blue guy who has blue dong.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that the blue guy, Dr. Manhattan, is not like a god but is literally god, he can grow in size, split into numerous copies of himself with each individual being able to operate on its own, take apart and destroy things with his mind, superhuman strength, teleportation, telekinesis, and he lives in the past, present, and future all at the same time, in other words, he is what you would picture god to be.  The fact that Rorschach's color-shifting mask is never explained.  The fact that the Nite Owl's flying spaceship-like thing defies all logic.  The fact that Silk Spectre's costume is the most uncomfortable looking thing ever (not that I'm complaining).  The fact that Ozymandias is considered the smartest man in the world but leaves the password to his computer on his desk.  The fact that the movie followed the graphic novel fairly accurately except for the big reveal at the end of the movie.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Ozymandias's plan to unite the world and stave off nuclear war revolved around  blocking Dr. Manhattan's god powers so that the doc couldn't see what he was doing, but when he finally found out about it, he was okay with it.  So, basically Ozymandias could have just gone straight to Dr. Manhattan from the start and told him what he was doing and then Ozy wouldn't have had to secretly give people cancer and hide everything from the blue doctor and a lot of this whole mess could have been avoided.  The only problem with his plan was that a couple of the main characters wouldn't have been cool with it, but the only one that could have stopped him was perfectly fine with it and saw the logic behind uniting the world against him in order to stop the world from killing itself.  In other words, he could have just told Dr. Manhattan and saved quite a few people's lives.  Hell, the glowing doctor could have even helped Ozymandias with his plan and Ozy wouldn't have had to murder The Comedian which got Rorschach, Nite Owl, and Silk Spectre involved and everyone wouldn't have known a thing about the plan which was what Ozy was trying to do in the first place.  I am not okay with.

"Can you even consider yourself a costumed hero when the guy standing next to you can make you explode?  Yeah, Dr. Manhattan actually does make someone explode at one point."

Stupid State Laws - Oklahoma 4

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Oklahoma

"People who make 'ugly faces' at dogs may be fined and/or jailed."

What the hell Oklahoma?  You are full of stupid laws.  As for this one, why the hell not?  For that matter, what constitutes an 'ugly face'?  I know what a silly face is, but I'm not exactly clear on what an ugly face is.  If I stick my tongue out at a dog, will I get arrested?  And who decides if someone is fined and/or jailed, let alone what degree of an 'ugly face' does someone have to make to deserve to be jailed?  It's not like you are going to hurt a dog's feelings if you make an ugly face at it (I tested this hypothesis on my dog and she seemed okay with my making faces at her).  Oklahoma, you cease to amaze me.

"Notice that this law doesn't say anything about dogs making ugly faces at people."

Worst Seats in Sports

I've been meaning to write about this one for quite some time, but I kept forgetting.  Plus it's always a good thing to write something about football whenever possible, so I felt it was still relevant, on top of the fact that the NFL Draft is currently going on, so why not?

When you go to a sporting event, getting as close to the action as possible is generally the way to go.  You can see the players up close and watch them pick their nose if you want to or you could watch a player break his leg so horrendously that the bone is sticking out.  However, there comes a point where getting too close can really hamper your viewing experience, which brings us to the worst seats in sports - The Dallas Cowboys Field-Level Suites.

In case you didn't watch that video, here is a picture of the seats I'm referring to:

Yeah, when I say these seats are field-level, I mean that your view of the field is from only a couple feet above it.  These seats are literally right behind the sidelines and the best view of the action is of players scratching their butts.  These seats cost between $16,000 and $50,000 just for the right to purchase a ticket and than an additional $340 per seat per game.  Why would anyone think that these seats are worth that much?  You can't even see the game which was the whole point of showing up in the first place.  In the old Detroit Tigers' Stadium, they had seats that were right behind large support beams, but at least you could just lean over and still see the game being played.  These Cowboys field-level suites have no such luxury.  If you want to watch the action, you have to watch one of the suite's TVs which is something you could have done from home for a helluva lot lost money.  Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is one smart guy if he not only thought to create these terrible seats but was also was able to sell them to unsuspecting fans who thought "field-level" meant something completely different than not being able to see over the opponent's bench.