NOKW - Unbreakable

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Unbreakable

Basic Plot:  The origin story of a superhuman through the eyes of M. Night Shamalamadingdong..

I'm Okay With:  The fact that nothing seems to happen in this movie other than Bruce Willis and Princess Buttercup staring at each other in silence a lot.  The fact that Bruce Willis doesn't become one of the most recognizable people in the world after being the only survivor of a train crash.  The fact that Bruce Willis doesn't resent the hell out of his wife for taking away the one good thing he is really good at, that being football.  The fact that Bruce Willis hasn't figured out that he is a superhuman earlier in his life.  The fact that Bruce Willis is not only super strong and invincible, but also can read people's minds and yet Mr. Glass is just super fragile and a nerd.  The fact that Mr. Glass couldn't come up with a better way of finding his opposite other than killing hundreds and hundreds of people.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Samuel L. Jackson's character, Elijah, breaks a bone every time he falls down but somehow orchestrates numerous terrorist plots, resulting in hundreds of deaths, in the hopes of finding a superhuman.  In other words, how did the cops not figure out that he was their suspect earlier?  He must have had help blowing up a building and causing a train crash because he is a fragile guy and would risk his health if he did it alone.  There is a reason they call him Mr. Glass.  But let's say he did do it alone.  The problem with that is that he is a pretty noticeable guy.  He even dresses like a villain   I would think that a weird looking dude that just so happens to be seen at a couple of massive accidents would come up in a police report.  But no, they cops are apparently idiots and a guy who can't even walk down a set of stairs without worrying about ending up in the hospital gets away with it.  I am not okay with that.

"I'm fairly certain a guy like this would stand out."

Stupid State Laws - Wyoming

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Wyoming

"You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June."

Now hold on a minute here, Wyoming.  You're telling me that if I take a vacation to your state (which is doubtful at best), take a hike, stumble across a cute little bunny rabbit, and take a photo of it, you will throw me in jail?  WHY?!?  There are zero reasons why this should ever be a law.  Ever!  The only reason I can think of for this to be a law is that June is rabbit mating season and every single picture I take would be of bunnies humping and Wyoming doesn't want their children to see said photos.  But if that is the case, then they should ban the internet because the internet is made up of about 95% of something humping something.  You know what, I'm going to stop here before I give that stupid state any ideas.

"Heff is sure as hell happy his business isn't located in Wyoming."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Do you remember when Lindsay Lohan was hot?  And I'm not talking about trashy hot like she is today (if you are into that sort of thing and I'm not saying that I am, but then again...), I'm talking about actual hot.  Well, here she is during one of her three stints as host of SNL (Three?!?  Really?!?) looking hot:

Summary:  I think my favorite part of this sketch is that Harry Potter is played by a woman.  He always did come off a little fruity to me in the movies, so this makes a lot of sense to me.

2014 MLB Preview

Since Alex and I are such baseball junkies, we decided we would do our own preview for the upcoming Major League Baseball season.  In other words, we are literally showing you the future!  Here are our picks:

	Sambo	Alex
AL East	Red Sox	Rays
AL Central	Tigers	Tigers
AL West	Athletics	Rangers
AL Wild Card #1	Rangers	Angels
AL Wild Card #2	Rays	Red Sox
AL MVP	Mike Trout	Miguel Cabrera
AL Cy Young	Yu Darvish	Felix Hernandez
AL ROY	Xander Bogaerts	Xander Bogaerts
NL East	Braves*	Nats
NL Central	Cardinals	Cardinals
NL West	Dodgers	Rockies
NL Wild Card #1	Nationals	Diamondbacks
NL Wild Card #2	Padres	Reds
NL MVP	Freddie Freeman*	Paul Goldschmidt
NL Cy Young	Clayton Kershaw	Adam Wainwright
NL ROY	Oscar Tavares	Mike Olt

* Homer Pick! Also, here is a fun baseball-related list:
Top 5 Worst Minor League Mascots

• 5)  New Orleans Zephyrs (AAA, Miami Marlins) - Do you know what a Zephyr is?  Me neither, but this team named their mascot after a roller coaster.  That's just lame.
• 4)  Modesto Nuts (High A, Colorado Rockies) - I picked this one because it made me giggle.
• 3)  Lansing Lugnuts (Low A, Toronto Blue Jays) - See the reason above.
• 2)  Savannah Sand Gnats (Low A, New York Mets) - The only thing intimidating about sand gnats is that they are annoying and annoying is not a good reason to pick them as your mascot.
• 1)  Akron RubberDucks (AA, Cleveland Indians) - At first, I loved this one, but then I realized that it sounds more like a money grab to me and now I detest it.

-Easily my favorite minor league mascot is the Vermont Lake Monsters.  I have no idea what that is, but it sounds awesome.

"This still blows my mind."

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Samuel L. Jackson

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Samuel L. Jackson

Top 5

Nick Fury, Marvel Movies - We might as well start with the obvious.  What I like best about his character is that in the comic books, Nick Fury is white and when Samuel plays this role, you could care less because he nails it.
Stephen, Django Unchained - Leo and Christoph Waltz were nominated for their roles, but Sam's character was still my favorite in this movie.  I guess it was the way he dropped all of those N-bombs.
Elijah Price, Unbreakable - This movie was kind of letdown and had M. Night not have wasted two hours getting around to showing some action, it could have been a lot better....maybe.  Regardless, Sam's part was perfect and it wasn't his fault this movie sucked.
Jules Winnfield, Pulp Fiction - I think his wallet said it all.
Hold-Up Man, Coming To America - This last pick was tough because he has done so many awesome roles.  It came down to this and Frozone from The Incredibles, but I went with this one because if you go back and watch this movie and see the scene where a guy comes into McDowell's and tries to rob the place, you always forget that it was Samuel who was the robber and he was awesome.

Bottom 5

Octopus, The Spirit - I never saw this movie, but I don't think I had to to know that no matter how awesome Sam was, even he couldn't have saved it.
Roland, Jumper - Did anybody see this thing?  It was one of those movies that tried to jump on the "people with superpowers" trend, but failed miserably.
Mace Windo, Star Wars Prequels - Yuk.
Ray Arnold, Jurassic Park - I picked this role because Sam's character was supposed to be a computer specialist, but couldn't even figure out how to fix a computer virus without shutting down the power to the whole park and getting himself killed in the process.
Neville Flynn, Snakes on a Plane - The only thing I remember about this movie was that before it came out, you could call a number and Sam would yell "Get these motherfucking snakes off of my motherfucking plane".  I think I called that number 100 times and yet still didn't go see this movie.

NFL - No Fun League

The NFL warden, Roger Goodell, and the No Fun League has struck again.  This time banning the celebration dunk through the goal posts.  This makes no sense at all.  The NFL claims it is because you are using the ball as a prop.  Why would that matter - there are no game delays, they have fifty balls on the sidelines.  The only way this celebration is bad is if you mess up the goal post.  Here is an idea - instead of penalizing the player for dunking, just penalize them for BREAKING THE DAMN GOAL POST!  No one would argue with that, 15 yards for breaking stuff that isn't your is actually pretty light.  I think in protest all players scoring touchdowns should "shoot" 15 foot jumpers through the goal post.  Give me a break NFL - let's all have some fun.  It is entertainment after all.

"Way to ruin everything, Jimmy Graham."

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 15

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• If the Fantastic 4's Thing's entire body including his internal organs are all made of stone, than why are his eyeballs normal?  And why does he only have three fingers and a thumb?  Where did his other finger go?
• Why does the local news still interrupt Jeopardy! with a severe weather report when you can either go outside and see if the weather is severe or just use the internet like everyone else?
• Did you know that Christian Bale's character from American Psycho and James Van Der Beek's character from The Rules of Attraction are brothers?
• Why do fire alarm batteries always seem to die in the middle of the night and scare the shit out of you?
• I'm fairly certain that I have never eaten lobster.
• Why do football players wear eye black during night games?  Its purpose is to lessen the glare from the sun.
• For some reason, if I'm about to stop reading a book, I can never end on the 13th chapter.  I'd rather lose sleep than to stop on the 13th chapter and I don't know why.
• One of Lyrica's, a prescription drug, side effects is suicidal thoughts.  Another is unusual dreams.  How exactly can a drug cause these things?
• I know I've said this before, but those first four games of the NCAA Tournament should not be called the 1st Round, they should be called the Play-In Round.  Calling the Round of 64 the 2nd Round just sounds dumb.  Round.
• I find it really weird that 9 out of every 10 people are right handed.
• At the current population growth, during which year do you think that the Earth will be covered in nothing buy graveyards?
• Twitter is stupid and the only excuse I will allow someone to have an account is if you have it just so you will have something to read while pooping.
• You do realize that George R.R. Martin said that the newest Game of Thrones book (or the sixth Song of Ice and Fire book for you nerds) would come out in the summer of 2012?  Yup, it still hasn't come out and still doesn't have a release date.
• I find it really funny that Mother Nature's solution to getting her creatures to reproduce was the orgasm.

"Is this Vanilla Ice?  Or is it Justin Bieber in 10 years?  Trick question, it's both, Bieber is actually Vanilla Ice after he traveled back in time."

Today's Celebrity Birthdays - March 24th

I decided to start up a new post where I list the "celebrities" that were born on this day and then either praise them or mock them.  It will be fun, so let's do this:

• Peyton Manning (38) - Peyton turns 38 today and he just had the best statistical season a QB has ever had.  I say statistical, because it would have been the best season ever if he didn't get killed in the Super Bowl.  Good thing he has a comedy career to fall back on.  His stint as host of SNL was priceless.
• Jim Parsons (41) - Yeah, Sheldon is in his 40's.  The guy doesn't look a day over 30.
• Alyson Hannigan (40) - Another 40 year old?!?  What is going on?  I feel like American Pie only came out a few years ago and Alyson is still that nerdy band geek.  Then again, maybe I'm just thinking of that American Pie sequel that sucked.
• Jessica Chastain (37) - Definitely a RHILF.  The "RF" stands for redhead, you can figure out the rest.  Jessica will be starring in Christopher Nolan's Interstellar this summer and I can't wait to see what Nolan has in store this time.
• Tommy Hilfiger (63) - You know, that guy who makes clothes that nobody wears.
• Kelly Lebrock (54) - The star of Weird Science is in her mid 50's and based on that picture below, mother nature has not been kind to her.
• Louie Anderson (61) - Remember this guy?  Me neither.  But I do remember his nasally voice though and it still haunts my dreams.
• Lara Flynn Boyle (44) - The only reason I included her is because she played a decent bad guy in the second Men in Black movie.  Other than that, I can't name another thing she has ever been in.
• Mark "The Undertaker" Calaway (52) - Ah yes, The Undertaker, one of the few wrestlers that I could name off of the top of my head.  What I find amazing is that he is still alive considering all of those steroids you know he took.
• Harry Houdini (140) - I am amazed that he has his own IMDB page, then again IMDB might be the greatest website ever and they know what the hell they are doing.

"Yikes."

Stupid State Laws - Wisconsin 7

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Racine, Wisconsin

"It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep."

Wisconsin, you truly are amazing.  Do you want every one of your buildings to burn down?  Because the last time I checked, a fire can only be put out be conscious firemen.  Sure, you could hedge your bets and hope a couple of these brave men are awake when a fire breaks out, but what if all of the local crew is dead asleep because it is the middle of the night?  What then?  Well, I'll tell you what will happen, everything will burn!  Come on, Wisconsin, do you not even think before you make your laws anymore?  Of course you don't, otherwise you would have seen the stupidity behind this one.  Idiots.

"I wasn't trying to wake him up, I was making sure he wasn't dead.  Is that a crime, officer?"
"I don't think so, but you better believe it will be soon, you sneaky bastard."

2nd Anniversary

Yeah, we have been doing this for two years.  That's a new post everyday for two years and if I did the math correctly and carried the one, that's two billion posts.  I can't believe it either.  The first post we wrote was wondering what happened when whales die.  A week later, I wrote one of my favorite posts talking about how I wanted to hire Mr. T and Screech to be my audience guests for the Bonus Round on Wheel of Fortune.  Since then, we have covered everything from movies to TV to sports to morning wood.  It's been a fun time and we hope to continue as long as we can....or until the Earth is overrun with zombies, robots, or worse, zombie robots.  Thank you for checking us out and stay tuned for more.

"All hail our robot zombie overlords!"

Brainfart Book Recommendations

Believe it or not, I love to read.  And because I read a lot, I decided to pass on a few recommendations to you, our dear readers.

• Clovenhoof - This is the funniest book I have read since Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy.  I wrote an entire post about it awhile back.  Basically, the plot is that the Devil is fired and forced to retire to a small town in England where he gets into all sorts of trouble.  Read my review and you will get the gist of it.
• Reality Dysfunction - Other than Game of Thrones (or a Song of Ice and Fire for the nerds) and the Wheel of Time, this might be my favorite book series I have ever read.  It's set well into the future where people have populated all over the universe and live in relative peace until something horrible is discovered on a developing planet.  I can't really say more than that without giving anything away, but trust me, these books are incredible.  On top of that, I usually knock out a book in 3 or 4 days and it took me a couple of weeks to read each of these, which was refreshing to me.
• Century Trilogy - Have you ever seen The Pillars of the Earth?  It was a mini-series that came on Starz (I think) a few years ago.  Better yet, have you ever read The Pillars of the Earth?  Awesome book considering the only way to explain the plot is that it is about a town building a church.  Well, the Century Trilogy was written by the same guy (Ken Follett) and the first two books are amazing (the third comes out later this year).  It follows an American, British, German, and Russian family during WWI, then their children in WWII, and then the next generation will be the main characters in the last book during the Cold War.  I'll put it this way, while reading the first book, I was pulling for the characters to prevent WWI even though the books are based on history and I knew they would fail.
• Death Mill Mansion - This book is hilarious.  A guy named Robbie, who is described as "extremely mediocre, which is impressive considering the definition of 'extremely' and 'mediocre'", has his car break down and is forced to take shelter in a nearby mansion where he meets werewolves, a vampire, ghosts, zombies, crazy people, and deeply religious robots.  So funny, check it out.
• Redemption Trilogy - I was surprised by how much I liked these books.  The main character is a badass, the action scenes are intense, and I was satisfied with its conclusion.  Other than an out-of-place, very long, and very detailed sex scene in the second book, I thought this trilogy was great from beginning the end.  What was it about?  Read it and find out for yourself.

"Thanks for the recommendations, Sambo.  These books are great."
"You're welcome, kid."

Random Movie Trivia - The Bourne Identity

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

The Bourne Identity

• The author of the novel, Robert Ludlum, the movie is based on passed away during post-production.
• Despite prominent billing, Clive Owen only gets about three minutes of screentime, broken up throughout the film. He doesn't talk until an hour and 25 minutes into the film and even then its in his last scene.
• Brian Cox (Ward Abbott) appears in two other movies as the employer of an assassin who has amnesia after a traumatic event, The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) and X-Men 2 (2003).
• In an earlier draft of the screenplay, Marie was American, her surname was Purcell and she had green hair. Final drafts had her name changed to Kreutz, her nationality changed to German and she was given multicolored hair.
• Brad Pitt turned down the lead role to do Spy Game.  Matthew McConaughey was also considered for the part.
• In the original Ludlum Novel, Marie was not a German gypsy. Her name was Marie St. Jacques and was a Canadian Economics Analyst.
• The secret C.I.A cell Treadstone is inspired by the real life secret C.I.A cell 'The Enterprise', which organised the Iran-Contra affair.
• Surprisingly, only 8 characters are killed in this movie.

"I actually think that Matt Damon did a better job than Brad Pitt would have done."

Fourty Two Yard Fat Girl

I am a little late on this but apparently the NFL is considering moving back the extra point from a 19 yard field goal to a 42 yard field goal.  Not a bad thought on the surface - The extra point is really boring.  There are never any fakes because you would have a better chance of running a real play if you want two points and if you just want the one point you make it every time.  Now for my analogy.  The extra point is like a less than attractive fat girl.  If you want her, you can have her but it isn't a whole lot more effort to try to go for a more attractive conquest.  Given that, the real question becomes - why would you make getting the fat girl harder?  Just say no hitting fat girls.  End of story - everyone go for 6's and above.  Moving back the extra point is like saying you have to run an obstacle course then cook a five course meal before you can have sex with a fat girl.  Not cool.  Give it up NFL - just say no extra points, only two point conversions.

"Even skinny, I can't give Zooey anything higher than a 6, she just doesn't do it for me."

Who Is This? Part 10

So, do you have any idea who this is?  No clue?  Okay, here is a hint - he was naked the only time you have ever seen him before.  Did that do it?  No?!?  Alright, how about this hint - he was naked, swimming, and chasing a one dollar bill the only time you have ever seen him.  Yup, that is Spencer Elden, aka the baby on Nirvana's Nevermind album cover.   I know, this was easily the hardest "Who Is This?" post yet, but that's why it's fun to play.  So, what has Spencer been up to since he posed in the buff for that album?  I have no idea, nor do I really care.  If I had to assume what he is doing nowadays, I would say picking up chicks at bars by using the following pick-up line, "Hey baby, I'm the Nirvana Baby, and yes, my penis is WAY bigger now".

"I had to airbrush this picture b/c I really don't feel comfortable with a baby's penis being on this site."

Who's The Bigger Star? Part 8

Here is a fun post where a compare two actors/actresses, sports stars, TV personalities, etc against each other and determine who is the bigger star.  Let's see who wins this time:

Denzel Washington v. Morgan Freeman

Denzel Washington

• Biggest Role:  Malcolm X
• My Favorite Role:  I have no idea.
• Top Earning Movie:  American Gangster ($130.2 million)
• Biggest Flop:  Basically anything he's done in the past 5 or 6 years.
• Awards:  6 Academy Award Nomination (2 Wins), 7 Golden Globe Nomination (2 Wins), 2 Emmy Nominations (0 Wins)
• Career:  Apparently, Denzel got his start on St. Elsewhere, which I've heard of but have never seen.  Then he got his big break in Glory and for a solid decade, he was Hollywood's go-to black leading man with movies like Malcolm X, Philadelphia, and Training Day.  However, for the past decade he has done a lot of random garbage with a couple of decent movies sprinkled in there.  Up next, he is doing a movie called The Equalizer that has a plot that sounds exactly like Man on Fire.

Morgan Freeman

• Biggest Role:  Hoke Colburn from Driving Miss Daisy
• My Favorite Role:  Easy, Red from The Shawshank Redemption
• Top Earning Movie:  The Dark Knight ($534.9 million)
• Biggest Flop:  Tough call, but I'm going with his part in Wanted, that movie sucked hard.
• Awards:  5 Academy Award Nomination (1 Win), 6 Golden Globe Nomination (2 Wins)
• Career:  Come on, it's Morgan Freeman, do I really need to go over his incredible career?  Driving Miss Daisy, The Shawshank Redemption, Se7en, The Dark Knight Trilogy, he's amazing and we all know it.

I know, I'm comparing two black guys for this post, that's kind of the point of this thing, to compare two similar actors' careers.  And for this one, I at first thought it would go to Denzel hands down mostly because he was such a huge actor during his prime.  But sadly, his career has gone downhill recently (seriously, 2 Guns?) and Morgan Freeman is still going strong after 40 years in the business.  Look at it this way, Denzel has only one movie in production and Morgan has six.  Just for that stat alone, I'm going with Morgan Freeman.

"And Morgan agrees with me."

Stupid State Laws - Wisconsin 6

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

"It is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention."

Wisconsin, you are so dumb.  Do you realize the number of loopholes you left yourself with this law?  Like a million.  What if someone just plays a flute for attention?  What about just a drum?  What happens when the "criminal" just says they are practicing and don't want the unwanted attention they are getting?  Why in the hell is this even a law?  I can only guess that Wisconsin had a huge hippie problem and the nicest way they could get rid of them was by outlawing drum circles and drug-fueled flute players from playing in the streets.  On second thought, maybe Wisconsin does know what they are doing.......nah, they're idiots.

"I'm not playing my drum in the street, nor am I doing it for attention.  You got nothing on me, copper!"
"Touche, old man."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  At this point everyone has seen the classic YouTube hit Charlie Ate My Finger.  Well, Jimmy Kimmel used some star power to bring it back into the mainstream.

Summary:  Solid job.  Anytime you can make a pointless video with people that are way too famous I am in....Especially if they have accents.

Celebrities Real Names Part 2

I did a post just like this last year sometime and stumbled upon some more celebrities that use fake names and just had to share it with you guys (plus I didn't feel like typing that much today and by me telling you this, it kind of defeats the purpose, but whatever).  Let's see what I found:

• Christopher Walken - Ronald Walken
• Demi Moore - Demi Guynes
• Chevy Chase - Cornelius Chase
• David Copperfield - David Kotkin
• Bret Michaels - Bret Sychak
• Flavor Flav - William Drayton, Jr.
• Ice-T - Tracy Morrow
• Eric Bana - Eric Banadinovic
• Oprah - Orpah
• Louis C.K. - Louis Szekely
• Jessica Chastain - Jessica Howard
• Bruno Mars - Peter Hernandez
• Ralph Lauren - Ralph Lifschitz
• Spike Lee - Shelton Jackson
• Olivia Wilde - Olivia Cockburn

"I would go Wilde with my Cockburn with her."

NOKW - LotR 1

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Basic Plot:  The first movie in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Ring trilogy where we meet all of the characters and the quest gets underway.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that I'm fairly certain that I have watched this movie more than any other movie ever.  The fact that in the opening battle scene, Sauron puts his one weakness into harm's way and promptly gets his fingers cut off and explodes.  The fact that as soon as Bilbo gives up the ring, he starts to look his true age, but Gollum was already 500 years old when he lost the ring and yet didn't age a day in-between losing the ring and showing up in this movie.  The fact that the instant Frodo puts on the ring, Sauron is able to find him, but when Bilbo put it on a couple days before, nothing happens.  The fact that the Nazgul can sense the ring and yet can't ever seem to find it.  The fact that half of the fellowship was comprised of hobbits, the most useless of the group.  The fact that even though Gandalf is a badass, a Balrog should have easily kicked his ass.  The fact that Sean Bean dies in the most glorious of fashion of any of his 25 movie deaths.  The fact that Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli just let two worthless hobbits proceed to Mordor on their own.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that during the opening scene we see Sauron wearing the Ring of Power on the battlefield and he isn't invisible.  Everyone that wears the ring throughout the movie instantly turns invisible when they put it on and yet Sauron doesn't.  Sure, he made it and can probably control it, but wouldn't it make even more sense for him to be invisible during a huge battle?  He could run around and decimate his foes with his kick-ass mace, but no, his ego got in the way and he stayed visible and look where that got him.  I am not okay with that.

"You have two options here, Sauron.  1) Use your other non-ring wearing hand to kill the dude who has a sword nearby or 2) go invisible and murder him.  You decided to go with option 3 and look how that turned out."

Rocker Still Rocky

We all remember what an idiot John Rocker was.  You probably remember that he made some insensitive comments about foreigners and got in trouble.  I randomly went back to re-read those comments from the 1999 Sports Illustrated story and WOW.  Incredible.  They are really bad - take a peek:

For a story published in the December 27, 1999 issue of Sports Illustrated, Rocker made a number of allegations stemming from his experiences in New York City and answering a question about whether he would ever play for the New York Yankees or the New York Mets.

"I'd retire first. It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing... The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speak English.  Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there.  How the hell did they get in this country?"

Holy crap!  He took a flame (pun intended) thrower to everyone!  He was basically a baseball Hitler.  How would this have gone down now with social media so crazy?  At the time, he got demoted from the closer role but still played and was with the Braves for another year or so.  He was a good closer but I think the backlash would have been too much and he would have gotten cut immediately.  I'm not sure anyone in sports has stepped in it that badly and to not get fired is surprising.  The baseball Gods got him back though, because from that story on his career spiraled out of control.

"Considering how much he hates foreigners, he does seem to embrace a European wardrobe."

Movie Sequels, Prequels, and More - Part 11

Another look at Hollywood's hilarious concept of upcoming movies, meaning that they have run out of ideas and they can only come up with another round of prequels, sequels, and remakes and nothing original.  In this case, we will be looking at all of the video games that are in production to become movies:

• G.I. Joe 3 - The first one was dumb but actually entertaining.  The second one I never watched and don't plan on it until it comes on TNT.  A third one?  No thank you.  Did the sequel make enough money to justify a second sequel?  I looked it up and it somehow made $122 million.  How?!?
• Paul Blart 2 - Are you serious?  The original was so bad that even I stopped watching it after 20 minutes and I like to watch dumb movies all the time.
• Vacation - Now comes a string of remakes.  Apparently Chevy Chase needs money, so he somehow convinced Hollywood to make another one of these.  When did the most recent come out?  1997.  Hollywood, you are better than this...maybe.
• It - They do realize that the original It was a TV movie?  Sure, it wasn't bad, but it was still a TV movie.
• Highlander - Love it.  They'll fuck it up, but I will still see this one.  Maybe not in the theater, but I just might rent it one day.
• Fletch - Another Chevy Chase remake.  Does he have embarrassing photos of someone?  That's the only way to explain a remake of this movie.  The original Fletch wasn't even that good, what makes them think another one will make money?
• Overboard - This is my sister's favorite movie, therefore I am on board.  Ha, get it?  On board.  I will be really interested to see who they cast for the two lead roles because Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn were perfect for the original.
• Scarface - Why?  The only thing they will do with a remake is totally diminish the original.  Hell, I didn't even like the original all that much.  It was too long and if you weren't playing the drinking game while watching it, you would get bored well before the epic finale.
• Short Circuit - Yes, please.  As long as they don't CGI the robot (which they will), then this might be a decent movie to remake.  I love Johnny 5, but apparently they are remaking it to be darker and to focus on drone warfare.  Damn it, I hate you, Hollywood.
• Weird Science - No.  There is absolutely no way you can remake this movie and not make it stupid.  This movie worked because of the era it was made, a remake won't make any sense in today's technological age.

"Peter Jackson's Scarface would be longer than the original and star Gollum, let's make this happen."

Today's Celebrity Birthdays - March 10th

I decided to start up a new post where I list the "celebrities" that were born on this day and then either praise them or mock them.  It will be fun, so let's do this:

• Chuck Norris (74) - It still shocks me to see that Chuck is in his mid 70s.  Then again, he has only been in one movie (The Expendables 2) since 2005, so maybe his age is finally catching up with him.
• Carrie Underwood (31) - She is still the only American Idol winner that you can claim went on to have a wildly successful career.  Sure, you could say that Kelly Clarkson is still around, but come on, Carrie is way hotter, therefore, more successful.  I don't make the rules, that's just how it works.
• Robin Thicke (37) - The only thing I know about this guy is that Miley Cyrus had her "I'm crazy" coming out party on his crotch.  Also, every time I hear his name, I just assume he is related to the great Alan Thicke.  (Update - I have been informed by a buddy of mine that Robin Thicke is in fact Alan Thicke's son.....and that really pisses me off!)
• Olivia Wilde (30) - I am in love with this pretty lady.  If I could exchange 20 years of my life to hang out with her for a day, I'm fairly sure I would do it.
• Sharon Stone (56) - Remember her?  Me neither, but she was pretty hot in her prime.  She hasn't done anything big since she starred in Sphere all the way back in 1998....1998?!?  Wow, she really fell off fast, didn't she?
• Jon Hamm (43) - My man, Jon Hamm.  My favorite thing about Jon is that he is known as the ever serious Don Drapper on Mad Men, but he is actually really funny.  Just find any episode of the hilarious podcast, Doug Loves Movies, that he is on and you will see what I mean.
• Danny Pudi (35) - I can honestly say that I did not know that he Danny was 35.  He plays a college student on the very funny Community and doesn't look a day over 25.  Good for him.
• Paget Brewster (45) - No idea who this is, but she stars on Criminal Minds and that seems like a popular show and I'm sure a few of our dear readers watch it, so I included her on this list.
• Osama bin Laden (Dead, USA USA USA!) - We gotcha, you terrorist bastard.  It took 10 years and finding a massive amount of porn hidden on your computer, but we gotcha!

"I picked this day solely because of Olivia "Sexy Eyes" Wilde.  Yum."

Stupid State Laws - Wisconsin 5

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Wisconsin

"State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese."

First off, I'm going to admit that I don't even like apple pie, but if I did, I'm fairly positive that cheese with my apple pie would taste awful.  Is this a common thing?  I can honestly admit that I have never heard of someone having cheese with their apple pie and I am truly baffled by this law.  My only guess is that some lawmaker who owned a cheese company that specialized in apple pie cheese got this thing pushed through and made, literally, hundreds of dollars off of it.  Way to go, dickcheese lawmaker, you figured out the system and now you are rolling in mounds of one dollar bills.

"I'm fairly sure that they meant to say "you must serve cheese on your pie" and by "pie" they meant pizza."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  There is a scene in The Wolf of Wall Street where Leonardo DiCaprio's character is so drunk and/or high that he can't walk to his car.  So, instead he ends up rolling to it and somehow makes it home.  Well, I recently read that he got his inspiration for that scene from the following YouTube video:

Summary:  I laughed out loud when he finally managed to open the cooler door and just kept swinging with it.  I've been this drunk in my life before (many times) and I can honestly say that I have never lost complete control of my legs like that.  Truly amazing that guy was able to make it to the store.

The Future of Food

Why do we as humans have to eat so much when it seems like we just poop everything back out anyways?  What I'm trying to say is that it seems like there has to be a better way to get our daily nutrients then eating three times a day and then having to sit on the toilet shortly afterwards (even though the invention of the iPhone has helped pass the time while pooping).  In other words, if we just seem to poop out most of what we eat, then why haven't they just made meals in pill form that give us everything our bodies need to survive?  It seems like a waste of energy that our bodies have to use each day to digest that Hot Pocket you just ate, only to poop the majority of it back out.

I'm not a scientist or a doctor, so I am probably just speaking nonsense, but what is the point of all that food when we could save time and energy by just swallowing a couple of mega-vitamins?  Don't our bodies just take what it needs from our food and spit the rest of it back out of our butts?  Then all we really need are the essentials and that is why I am tasking someone to create a pill that we can eat that will save all that hassle of smelly bowel movements and cold toilet seats we have to endure each and every day.  Some company could make millions, no, billions off of such a pill.  Then again, the food companies would probably send in their assassins if such a thing was every put into production.  In fact, someone probably already has tried this and said assassins have already put a stop to it.  So, I guess the lesson here is that we should all try and become assassins because that is where the real money is to be made.  Happy hunting.

"Think about how much time Storm Troopers waste each day having to take off their armor each day just to poop."

Here's Your Sign....Language

Whenever there is a debate or high-profile speech or press conference, there is always a sign language person (sign languagist? signist? signer?) near the podium translating for the deaf.  Let me start off the bat by saying that if I was deaf, it would be super great to have that translator and it is a nice thing to do for that segment of the population.  That said, how many deaf people are there in the United States?  One million apparently.  And half of those are over 65.  There are 314 million people in the US, so that means that someone is paying someone to sign every political speech and debate to cater to .003% of America.  Why are we so interested in appeasing them?  Were there a lot of deaf protests at one point to cause this upheaval?  At this point, would taking away the sign language artist (nailed it) move the needle even a little?  If we are going to keep this tradition up, should we not also translate into languages for people in America who don't speak English?  A lot of Americans speak Spanish (37.6% of people) and even if a third of those can't speak English which is well over the .003% of the population, way more than of them than there are deaf people.  Based on that one third rule, we could also translate speeches into Chinese, Hindu, French, Tagalog, Vietnamese, German, and Korean.  Korean is the lowest percentage of America out of those at 1.1%.  That means if all political speeches have a Korean translator it would be helpful to three times as many Americans than having a sign language translator.  Let's save the tax payers some money (you know that has to be how they get paid) and cut this non-essential position.

"This is what we are paying for."

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Bruce Willis

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Bruce Willis

Top 5

John McClane, Die Hard - Of course John McClane made the list.  He's the reason we even know who Bruce Willis is and made it cool to wear a wife beater....until rednecks took that away from us.
Korben Dallas, The Fifth Element - Highly underrated movie and Bruce nails this role.  Also, it helps this movie that my teenager self got to see some Milla Jovovich side boob
Jimmy Tudeski, The Whole Nine Yards - I don't care how stupid the sequel was, the first one was hilarious.  And once again, we got to see some boobs, this time it was Amanda Peet's boobs.
Dr. Malcolm Crowe, The Sixth Sense - I just noticed that's three straight movies with a number in the title.  Weird.
Joe Blake, Bandits - This is one of fellow Brainfart contributor Alex's favorite movies and I have to agree, it's pretty good.  No boobs this time, but it did have a super young January Jones in it.

Bottom 5

John McClane, A Good Day to Die Hard - Yup, as awesome as John McClane is, we cannot excuse him for this piece of shit.  The first sequel?  Sure.  The second one?  Better than you would think.  A third one?  Kind of dumb, but entertaining.  A fourth one?  NO!!!!  This was a travesty to the great career of John McClane and should be removed from your memories for his sake.
Harry Stamper, Armageddon - Michael Bay was involved, therefore it was crap.
Hudson Hawk, Hudson Hawk - Has anyone seen this movie?  It's so dumb, it's almost watchable, but then you watch a second time and realize that it is just dumb.
Church, The Expendables - I still don't know how this movie spawned two sequels.  I only saw the first one and it was an hour and a half of old people fighting and terrible one-liners.
Butch Coolidge, Pulp Fiction - I love this movie.  Everything is incredible about it......except for Bruce Willis's character's choice in girlfriends.  She is by far the most annoying person to ever appear in a movie and it makes watching this movie again painful.

"Besides this movie being highly underrated, I'm fairly certain it was the last time Bruce had hair."

Brainfart Crush of the Month - March

At the beginning of every month, we here at Brainfart will be bringing you our Brainfart Crush of the Month!  Sometimes it will be someone you have heard of, sometimes it will be just a random hottie you may have seen before, and sometimes it might be my neighbor.  Who knows!  Let's see who we picked this month:

This is Lyndsy Fonseca.  You may know her as the girl who stabbed John Cusack in the eye in Hot Tub Time Machine, the love interest in the Kick-Ass movies, or even as the daughter who is being told her father's life story on How I Met Your Mother.  Why did I pick her for this month's Brainfart Crush?  Just look at her, she's smoking hot, do I need another reason?  No.  No, I do not.  Congratulations, Lyndsy on this very prestigious honor.

Random Movie Trivia - Major League

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Major League

• Charlie Sheen was a high school pitcher who was offered a baseball scholarship to the University of Kansas. In the movie he threw a 101 mph fastball, but in reality Sheen could throw in the high 80s. This made it easier to simulate the fastball on film.
• Sheen also admitted in a Sports Illustrated interview that he used steroids while preparing for this movie because he believed that it would help him throw the ball faster.  (Why would he need to do that?  Because he is insane and it took us way too long to figure that out.)
• Was originally titled "Dead Last".
• When Cerrano hits the home run in the final game against the Yankees, it was not in the script for him to run around the bases with the bat in his hand. What actually happened was that Dennis Haysbert actually did hit a home run during the take and was so shocked that he forgot to drop the bat before he started running.
• Director David Ward made this movie because as a lifelong Indians' fan, this was the only way he would ever see them win anything.
• The opponent slugger known as Yankees home run threat Haywood was played by former Milwaukee Brewers' pitcher, Peter Vuckovich. Peter Vuckovich never hit a single home run in his entire 11 year major league career.
• Many tricks were used to make the actors seem like they were as good as their characters. For example, the pitching mound in a real baseball stadium is 60'6" away from the home plate, but to give the impression that Charlie Sheen's 85 mph fastball was traveling 100 mph, they moved the mound up 10 feet and shot from behind the plate so the viewer wouldn't notice the distance difference. Also, all Wesley Snipes' running scenes are shown in slow motion to give the impression that he is running faster than he actually is.
• The director cast Bob Uecker as the Indians' announcer, Harry Doyle, because he saw him in a couple of Miller Lite commercials.  It wasn't until Bob showed up on set did David learn that he actually was a baseball announcer and had been for 20 years.

"Turns out he has been insane all along, how did we not see this coming?"

Stupid State Laws - Wisconsin 4

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

"If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day."

This just might be the most cruel law I have covered to date.  There was that one about it being illegal to ride an ugly horse, but this one seems way worse because at least a horse doesn't know it's ugly (I hope).  And for that matter, what exactly does "offensive looking" mean?  Personally, I think it means being ugly, but it truly could mean anything from ugly to angry to [insert racist stereotype here].  Also, I love how you can still be offensive looking in public at night.  That way if you are ugly looking, you can take out your frustrations on unsuspecting people at night when it is easier to get away with it.  If anything, this law should only allow ugly people to be outdoors during the day, that way the cops can keep a better eye on them.  Wisconsin, you are cruel and dumb, congratulations.

"That's right, buddy, you are being arrested for being an uggo.  What?  Of course that's a law!  Not only are you ugly, but apparently you're stupid, too."