Check Out Our Ad to Check Out Our Ad!

Did you know we have a Facebook page? Please look at our other ad in another magazine? Have you seen our new TV spot? I'll summarize - we have a Facebook page! And guess what else.....TWITTER!!!!!!! THIS IS HAPPENING.

This is the typical ad campaign for way too many big companies. I heard a Radio ad for a Hyundai dealership that was 30 seconds of them telling me to go to their website. Hang on, let me get out my pen and a scrap of paper so I can write this down while driving - how many w's was that? Dot org? What cause does Hyundai support? Tell you what, if anyone wants a Hyundai they will just Google it (unless you work for Microsoft, then maybe you use Bing to go to Google to Google Hyundai).

Really Toyota, you have a Facebook page!?!?! Only a handful of companies have this groundbreaking technology. And Twitter !?!?! You are on the cutting edge. If I want a Toyota I will Google Toyota; and by I, I mean the entire world.

Please stop this ridiculousness. Ad execs, we know you're cooler than us, we've seen Mad Men, stop trying to out cool yourselves. Just make funny ads.

See me in person to hear more bitching.

Greatest College Bowl Game Performance Ever

College bowl games are stupid, they are nothing but glorified exhibition games and generally only one team shows up to play making them un-watchable, but that is a discussion for another day.  Having said that, do you know what the most impressive college bowl record ever recorded was?  It was Miami's margin of victory against Texas in the 1991 Cotton Bowl despite their penalty yardage.  You see, Miami won the game 46-3 yet had 16 penalty flags for a total of 202 penalty yards.  Yes, you read that correctly, Miami gave Texas over two full football fields worth of free yards and still held the Longhorns to only 3 points.  Is that even possible?  Apparently it is.  By halftime, Miami had already racked up 132 penalty yards and were still up 19-3.  This was obviously during the height of Miami's "thug" days and that obviously translated to the field in this game.  Oh, and the funniest stat of the whole game was that Texas had 205 total offensive yards.  In other words, Miami had 3 less penalty yards than Texas had total yards.

"Wow.  Just wow."

Wheel of Fortune

I'm not afraid to admit that I watch Wheel of Fortune (it comes on before Jeopardy and at least watching Wheel of Fortune doesn't make me feel nearly as old as I do when I watch the Price Is Right.  Seriously, that show has way too many commercials about catheters and life alert bracelets).  And if I were to ever appear on that show there is something that I really want to do.  And no, it has nothing to "do" with Vanna White (she is about one plastic surgery away from looking alike a scary cat lady).  It has to do with the Bonus Round of the show.  For those of you who don't watch the show, if you have the most money at the end of the game, you move on to the Bonus Round where you solve one more puzzle for a chance at a large amount of money.  However, right before you solve the puzzle Pat Sajak asks you to tell the people at home who in the audience you brought with you and everyone always brings friends and/or family.  What I want to do is hire a couple of "celebrities" (I put that in quotes for a reason) to be my friends and family so that when Pat asks me who I brought with me, this exchange will take place:

Pat - "So, tell us who out in the audience you brought with you today."

Me - "Well, Pat, I brought Mr. T and Screech, oops sorry, I mean Dustin Diamond."

Pat - "Whoa, you're friends with Mr. T and Screech, I mean Dustin Diamond?"

Me - "No I am not, Pat."

Awkward pause.

Pat - "OK, then why are they here?"

Me - "Why not?"

Awkward pause.

Pat - "Hmmmm.  Let's move on."

"I pity the fool who buys unnecessary vowels."

Movie Sequels Part Two

Last week, I gave you a list of movie sequels in the works, well here is Part Two of that list:

· Kick-Ass 2 – thought the first one was quite clever, a second one can’t be too bad.

· Terminator 5 – this movie is a continuation from the events after Terminator Salvation, which wasn’t bad, but wasn’t good either, maybe they can build on that. Oh, and Arnold is back!

· Bad Boys 3 – Will Smith must really need some work, is his son’s rap career not taking off?

· Die Hard 5 – as long as the bad guy isn’t another computer hacker, you can’t go wrong with John McClane wreaking havoc.

· Three Men and a Bride – yup, the sequel to Three Men and a Baby/Little Lady and guess what, this time someone is getting married. Oh, and the whole cast is back and super old.

· Wanted 2 – the first one was a pointless mess and a second is going to suck b/c they killed Angelina Jolie in the first movie (sorry if I spoiled that for anyone that hasn’t seen it yet, word of advice – don’t).

· Tomb Raider 3 – don’t care b/c once again, Angelina Jolie will probably not come back to play the ‘tit’le character. (However, I just read that Olivia Wilde might play the part and I am literally in love with her.)

· Piranha 3DD – did anyone see the last one? Thought so.

"What love looks like topless."

American Action Movie Stars

What happened to all of the badass American action movie stars? If you look at today's cinema landscape, all of the biggest action movies are based on comic books and as of right now, almost all of the main characters are played by non-Americans. For example, the new Spider-man is British (Andrew Garfield), Batman is British (Christian Bale, however I'm OK with this, he is pretty badass), the new Superman is British (Henry Cavill), Thor is British (Chris Hemsworth), the Green Lantern is Canadian (yeah, Ryan Reynolds is not from America, so that makes me feel better that that movie sucked hard), and Wolverine is Australian (Hugh Jackman). The only movie comic book character America can really claim is Captain America (Chris Evans), but if Captain America wasn't played by an American that would be really awkward to explain.

So, let's look at this another way. all of America's biggest action stars seem to fall into one of three categories:

• Too Old or Getting Too Old - Bruce Willis (57), Sylvester Stallone (65), Kurt Russell (61), Harrison Ford (69, Han Solo is old), and Clint Eastwood (1,000,000).
• Uninterested in Doing Mostly Action Movies - Matt Damon, Will Smith (he has been all over the map with his movies lately), Brad Pitt, and Dwayne Johnson (I had to throw him in there b/c of The Tooth Fairy).
• Suck at What They Do - Tom Cruise, Shia LeBeouf, Keanu Reeves (there is talk of a new Bill and Ted movie being made, I'm not kidding), and Nicolas Cage.

Look at that list and you will come to the same realization as I did - America's biggest action movie star is.........Mark Wahlberg. That's right, Marky Mark is America's biggest action movie star. No wonder our economy is suffering.

"How was this possibly considered cool at one point in time?"

My Nephew Mason

I have three nephews, the oldest is almost 7, the middle one is 5, and the youngest is 4-ish, but let’s talk about the middle one for a minute. By the time the kid was 3 years old, he already had a rap sheet that included arson, theft, and breaking and entering. You see, Mason likes to wake up in the middle of the night and have free rein of the house, which is when he likes to play with his toys or raid the fridge for cold cuts, chocolate milk, and Kraft singles. Because he kept doing this, my sister was forced to put a baby-gate on his door so he couldn’t get out. However, the first gate she bought didn’t work as intended and he quickly figured out how to open it. So, my sister then had to buy the best baby-gate on the market (she got it at Babies R Us and the salesman swore it was the tallest gate she would find), which worked….for a couple of nights. Mason figured out that he could pull a chair over and just hop over the gate, which led to all the chairs in his room being removed and any other movable furniture being tied to the bed. Next, Mason pulled all the drawers out of his dresser, stacked them on top of each other, and once again climbed over the gate. This made my sister find a way to lock the drawers at night, which only made Mason find another way out, which he did by stacking all the books in his room and again, he climbed over the gate. My sister then removed those, too, which meant there was nothing left in his room to help him get out. So, Mason did the only reasonable thing left for him to do, which was give up. Ha! No, he figured out how to just climb the bars of the baby-gate and once again, he was running free in the house. My sister came up with a great idea to counteract his climbing out by putting Crisco all over the bars of the gate, so that Mason could no longer climb the bars. Mason counteracted her counteract by using a toy screwdriver to undo the bottom screws of the gate, so that he could push it out far enough to escape underneath the gate. My sister then put Crisco on the screws so he could no longer undo them. So, with no way to escape, Mason was quiet for a few nights, that was until he started using his blanket to wipe the Crisco off the bars of the baby-gate and again, he was free. Because my sister couldn’t stop him with one baby-gate, she was forced to do this:

"So what if it’s a fire hazard, it worked.”

Oh, did I forget to mention that Mason did all of this before he was even two years old? Yeah, he wasn’t even two yet. Recently, my sister and her family moved into a new house and she gave up on keeping him in his room, but she did figure out a way to keep Mason from raiding the kitchen. She put a dead-bolt on the pantry and uses a bike-lock on the fridge so he can no longer devour everything he can find to eat at night. And because Mason is not afraid of the dark and will wander outside to play in the sandbox at four in the morning, she has to make sure she sets the alarm every night to let her know if he opens any doors (or windows, he’s crazy smart) leading outside. I’m telling you, this kid is awesome and I haven’t even gotten to the night he almost burned down the house, maybe next week.

Zombie Survival Guide

Top 10 Lessons For Surviving A Zombie Attack

Organize before they rise!

They feel no fear, why should you?

Use your head: cut off theirs.

Blades don’t need reloading.

Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.

Get up the staircase, then destroy it.

Get out of the car, get onto the bike.

Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!

No place is safe, only safer.

The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

That is what is written on the back cover of The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead. The author wrote this book as a comedy and if you read the above list, you can clearly see his dry humor. However, imagine if zombies did rise, read that list again and you can’t deny that every word he wrote is just as informative as it is humorous. And the entire book is like this, funny but extremely useful. For example, there is a section in the book on which public buildings (schools, warehouses, hospitals, etc.) are the best for building a defense against the undead. Seriously, who thinks of this stuff? Apparently Mel Brooks’ son does (yup, the author is the son of Spaceballs....that sounds dirty) and I recommend reading this book, not only for its comedic value, but for the unforeseen amount of knowledge that you will soak up by the end of the book.

"Boooooobs, I mean Braaaaaiinns!"

SNL Cast Members

I was watching a behind the scenes special on Saturday Night Live and found out that a couple of people I had no idea about were actually cast members on the show. Most of them were only on the show for a season or two at the most. Anyways, here is a list of random cast members from the show that I never knew were on it (and here is a full list of cast members):

· Paul Schaffer – yeah, that annoying guy on David Letterman. He was mostly in the band, but he did appear in quite a few of the sketches during his stint on the show.

· Gilbert Gottfried – very funny guy, not really surprising he was on SNL, but it was surprising that he only lasted one season.

· Joan Cusack – sister of John Cusack and an actress I have always thought to be very funny.

· Robert Downey Jr – yeah, Iron Man was a cast member on SNL, but that wasn't nearly as surprising as when I found out later that the guy is only 5’8. Well, at least he is still taller than Tom Cruise, so he has that going for him.

· Anthony Michael Hall – he is that guy who starred in Weird Science and The Breakfast Club, he’s funny, just not SNL funny.

· Randy Quaid – we all know and love him as Cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies, why he only lasted one season, I will never know.

· Damon Wayans – he was fired right after an episode when he portrayed a character as gay when he was supposed to be straight, shortly afterwards, he went on to star on In Living Color.

· Rob Riggle – great comedian and someone you have seen in a number of movies lately (he was the cop in The Hangover that encouraged those kids to shot the main characters with a taser).

"Robert Downey Jr. and Anthony Michael Hall on the set of Weekend Update.   Guess which one is high."

Movie Sequels Part One

I came across a list of movies that are in the works and I had to share that list with you which I will split up into three posts. The first two entries will be sequels in the works and the last entry will be remakes and just some ridiculous movies I stumbled across. Here we go:

· Zombieland 2 – zombies freak me the hell out, but this movie wasn’t that bad and was the only zombie movie I could bear to watch other than Shaun of the Dead.

· Super Troopers 2 – considering how funny Broken Lizard can be (the original Super Troopers and Beerfest were great, their other stuff, not so much), this one should have potential.

· xXx 3 – the first one sucked, the second one sucked harder, the third can only be “3” times worse.

· The Wolverine – another all Wolverine X-Men movie, hopefully they don’t make it as stupid as the first one.

· Ghostbusters 3 – seriously, best idea in awhile. The whole cast is coming back, including Rick Moranis who retired from acting after Little Giants so that he could take care of his kids after his wife passed away. (Bad news - it looks like Bill Murray is out and this might not happen)

· James Bond 23 – that’s right, the 23^rd 007 flick is due this year and arguably the best actor portraying James Bond since Sean Connery is back (that would be Daniel Craig), even though I thought Pierce Bronson was really good, it’s just that his last few 007 films were just stupid.

· Underworld 4 – these movies are pretty dumb, but Kate Beckingsale is back and seeing her in tight leather is always pleasing.

· Indiana Jones 5 – I think people overreacted to the whole alien thing in the 4^th movie, Doctor Jones is always dealing with some sort of supernatural thing in these films (a box that can kill people, stones that allow you to rip someone's heart out, and immortality cups), why not aliens.

· Sin City 2 – thought the first one was great, and I understand they already have a script for a third one.

· National Treasure 3 – sure, Nicolas Cage can be terrible, but Disney does put out some pretty good flicks.

· Jason Bourne 4 –Matt Damon is not coming back to play Jason Bourne, instead they cast that guy from The Hurt Locker, not a bad choice, just not Matt Damon.

· The Expendables 2 – didn’t see the first one, not going to see the second one.

Whales

If you think you are having a tough day, imagine that you are a bottom of the ocean-dwelling crab and you just finished building your new house (crabs make houses, right?) when all of the sudden you are crushed to death by a 150-ton, 90-foot dead blue whale. Seriously, what happens when a whale dies? Does it go whale heaven? Is there a whale heaven? Does it float in the ocean until it is devoured by sharks and Aquaman (I just assume Aquaman's diet consists of nothing but whale burgers and fish sticks)? Or the more likely option is that it sinks to the bottom of the ocean until it crushes some poor little crab's brand new crab-house. Think about that the next time some dick cuts you off in traffic while talking on his cellphone causing you to drop your Pop-tarts in your lap and you will realize that your day has been a breeze compared to poor Crabby the crab (our fictional crab just got a name!).

"Do you think he will be aroused if I swim in his blowhole?"