The T-Rex Bullet

Have you ever heard of the T-Rex Bullet?  I am going to assume you haven't, otherwise I wouldn't be telling you about it (plus there aren't exactly that many T-Rexs around to hunt).  Well, it is was originally made to stop head-on charges from big game.  However, it never actually proved to be any more effective than other large caliber rounds on the market, so now it is more or less the Hummer of ammunition.  Anyways, here is a hilarious video of people attempting to fire one of these bad boys and nearly blowing their shoulder out of the socket, it's pretty funny (also, that's all I've got, it's Saturday, sue me):

Mason and the Frog

It's Friday and that means another story about my awesome nephew Mason.  First off, my sister and her husband bought a house with a pool a couple of years ago and because someone has to clean it, my sister does it to keep busy.  One day, both of Mason's brothers where in school (and we will just have to assume at this point that Mason has already been kicked out of school for whatever awesome reason) and my sister was emptying the skimmers when she found a huge frog.  And because like most people, she doesn't like to touch slimy things like frogs, snakes, or anything like that, but Mason took it upon himself to grab it.  He then put it in an empty cooler, grabbed a beach chair out of the garage, and set up shop at the top of the driveway.  Why the top of the driveway you ask?  It was there that every time a car drove by, he would grab the frog and show it off with one hand and wave with the other.  Yup, he thought the world should see his new froggy friend, so he did it the only way his 5 year old mind could think of.  Now imagine that instead of a frog, it was a dinosaur.  That be more fitting of Mason, now wouldn't it?

"Mason with some other frogs he caught.  I wonder if he tried to teach them how to swim."

The Goonies vs. The Princess Bride

Which was the better movie, The Goonies or The Princess Bride?  I've had this debate with a couple of friends over the years and it always seems to be split right down the middle.  Both movies came out around the same time (1985 and 1987) and they were both awesome, so naturally, they should be compared to each other.  But which one was better?  So, let's do a breakdown:

Basic Plot

Goonies:  A group of kids go on an adventure looking for One Eyed Willie's gold in order to save their town.
Princess Bride:  Columbo tells Fred Savage a story about true love which involves pirates, Andre the Giant, and revenge on a six-fingered man.

Most Memorable Lines

Goonies:  "Hey You Guys!", "Rocky.....Road?", "That's what I said, Booby Traps!", "Sloth love Chunk".
Princess Bride:  "Does anybody want a peanut?", "Inconceivable", "As you wish", "Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die."

Pros

Goonies:  The Truffle Shuffle.  One Eyed Willy.  Sloth.  Chunk.  Booby Traps.
Princess Bride:  Andre the Giant.  The Dread Pirate Roberts.  Billy Crystal's Cameo.  Everything.

Cons

Goonies:  There is no way that group of kids would have not been killed really fast by either the booby traps or the Fratellis.  The fact that the town is saved by a couple of diamonds.
Princess Bride:  The fact that it is technically a love story.  That's all.

And the Winner is........

"Yes, you."

Also, look at that picture below.  That is Jeff Cohen, he played Chunk in The Goonies.  Yeah, I know, doesn't look anything like you would imagine a grown-up Chunk would look like.

Lyrical Lies - Boyfriend

This column will strip away the catchy instrumentals and analyze the ridiculousness of the lyrics in popular songs.  I understand it is taking things to the extremes, but that's what I do - I go to extremes.  I am not going to comment on repeating lines or verses other than to occasionally note how much repetition there is in all songs.  Get ready folks - it's Bieber time:

Song:  Boyfriend
Artist:  Justin Bieber

"If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go"
Right off the bat he lets you know - the Biebs is a clinger.  You are warned
"I can take you places you ain’t never been before"
Like R-rated movies.  But I don't like horror movies, they're scary.  And my mom won't let me see nudity which is fine because girls are yucky and have cooties.  Other than that we're good.
"Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know"
You'll never know....unless you watch TV, he;s everywhere.  After a few hours you will know.
"I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow"
Bragger (I'm jealous)
"Swag swag swag, on you"
Whoa!  You just swagged on my shirt!  Ass!
"Chillin by the fire why we eatin’ fondue"
We are having fondue by the fire?  Not on a table?  That stuff gets really hot.  I have a feeling this is going to end up worse than you swagging on me.
"I dunno about me but I know about you
So say hello to falsetto in three two"
Is is a good thing to go falsetto?  And you didn't say one.

[Pre-Chorus]
I left this in.  A Pre-chorus Justin?  Really?
"I’d like to be everything you want"
I will totally not be myself, I will be whatever you want.  That's every girl's dream...fake people.
"Hey girl, let me talk to you"
Talk.... right....
 
"If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go"
Wow - that sounds a lot like kidnapping.  Your relationship will make TMZ and CNN!  Way to hammer the smothering point him Bieber.

"Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don’t"
Great - now i have to fill out a questionnaire.
"I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe"
NO FUCKING WAY!!  He just said that.  How do you resist a line about Woody here?
"I don’t never wanna fight yeah, you already know
I am ‘ma a make you shine bright like you’re laying in the snow"
This makes no sense.  How does putting you on a pure white background make you shine?  If anything it would seem to make you look imperfect.  Come one Biebs, that's just science.
"Burr"
This is the only funny part of the song.  Solid Biebs.
"Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend
You could be my girlfriend until the ---- world ends"
Now he is making presumptions.  You have to wait for the DTR (Define the relationship).  Also, big statement to say until the world ends - that seems like a good time to stop (kind of a Mitch Headburg shout-out)
"Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and
Voice goin crazy on this hook like a whirl wind"
So now you want a stripper.  Classy.
"Swaggie."
Funny line number two.

"So give me a chance, ‘cause you’re all I need girl
Spend a week wit your boy I’ll be calling you my girlfriend"
A whole week - i would hope you are boyfriend and girlfriend - that's a long ass time with one person around all the time.  Might want to re-think this one Justin.
"If I was your man, I’d never leave you girl
I just want to love you, and treat you right"
Now this is sweet.  I wonder what he will come up with to finish this thing off?
"Na na na, na na na, na na na
Ya girl
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
 If I was your boyfriend"
Brilliant!

"This is the Bieb Squeeze"

King Kong

I probably could have done a NOKW for this post, but there is more than one thing I wanted to get off my chest about King Kong.  You see, there are a couple of things about King Kong's existence that don't make any sense to me, and here they are:

• Where Did He Come From - as we all know, humans and monkeys alike are born after their parents get it on (try and get that image out of your head, suckers).  So, in order for there to be a King Kong, there has to be mama and papa Kong.  What I want to know is, if King Kong is as large as he is, were his parents that large too or was he born with some sort of genetic defect that made him grow to that size?  You know, kind of like Robin Williams in the movie Jack, except instead of aging really fast, Kong grew really fast.
• His Environment - if King Kong is the result of two giant monkeys having monkey whoopee, then that still doesn't explain as to how his species became that big.  Let's look at some real world examples; elephants were able to evolve to their size because they had plenty of space and food.  The same can be said about whales, where they have an entire oceans worth of food to survive on.  However, King Kong would need about 7,500 pounds of food per day to live on, but he lives on a tiny island.  So, how is it possible for him to survive when his environment should have run out of stuff to eat years ago?
• His Size Is Physically Impossible - every time an animal doubles in size, its mass is multiplied by eight.  Therefore, if you factor in King Kong's height compared to regular gorillas, he would weigh roughly 60 tons, which is about 270 times the weight of a regular sized gorilla.  That amount of weight is physically impossible to be supported by Kong's frame.  He should actually be nothing but a pile of broken bones waiting to be picked off by the island's other predators.

As you can see, King Kong is one bafflingly stupid movie monster and should in no way be running around a jungle, let alone be walking at all.  Then again, Hollywood doesn't care if you believe if a monster is possible as long as the gullible public keeps buying tickets.  Those sneaky bastards.

"I don't know why he is smiling, he just broke both his legs while trying to eat you."

NOKW - Pirates of the Caribbean

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Basic Plot:  The first installment of the adventures of Captain Jack Sparrow and his crew of misfits in the Caribbean.  There are good pirates, bad pirates, cursed pirates, and the super hot Kiera Knightly.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Kiera Knightly's character is so good at sword fighting despite never having taken a lesson in her pampered life.  The fact that the cursed pirates were worried about Kiera Knightly dropping their medallion into the water at the beginning of the movie even though we later see them walking on the bottom of the sea floor, meaning they could have easily retrieved it if she dropped it.  The fact that Captain Jack is not killed on numerous occasions despite being shot at constantly.  The fact that the curse that is laid upon the cursed pirates applies to a monkey.  The fact that pirates follow a "code", when being a pirate means there are no rules.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that in the scene where the good guys have just been captured by the cursed pirates after blowing up the good guy's ship, nobody noticed Will Turner swimming from the wreckage of recently blown up Interceptor.  Turner had been trapped inside the Interceptor when it exploded while the rest of the crew was tied up on the deck of the Black Pearl surrounded by the cursed pirates, yet no one saw Turner swim over to the Pearl.  How could no one see him despite it being broad daylight and there was at least two football fields worth of water between the Black Pearl and the Interceptor?  Someone should have easily seen him coming, but instead he magically snuck up on them and then exchanged himself for the release of Kiera Knightly and Captain Jack.  If anything, a cursed pirate should have been waiting on him when he crawled up onto the Pearl, but no, those incompetent pirates missed him splashing through the water.  If they had seen him, they could have made achieving their goal way easier (even when being immortal pirates seems like a pretty good deal regardless if it was due to a curse, so why change that?).  I am not okay with that.

"I have a thing for hot British chicks."

Stupid State Laws - Alaska

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Alaska

"It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane."

First off, Alaska has a lot of weird laws concerning moose, like you can't feed them alcohol (kind of makes sense) and you can't "view" them from an airplane (are they scared of airplanes?), but this one takes the cake.  I feel like this sort of thing should fall under common sense, but apparently not.  So, that begs the question - how many times did this happen before the state had to take action and make a law about it?  And while it is considered an "offense" (what exactly does that mean?) to push a live moose from a moving airplane, is there not a law protecting the rights of dead moose?  Does this mean it is okay to throw deceased moose from moving airplanes?  I feel like that question is way more important than needing to know why it is an offense to toss live moose from airplanes onto the unsuspecting public.

"Alright, he's dead, now go start up the airplane, those Eskimos will never know what hit them!"

Ted Williams

If you don't know who Ted Williams is, he is a Hall of Fame baseball player who played for the Boston Red Sox from 1939-1942 and 1946-1960 (those missed years were due to military service).  Here are some of his career achievements:

• .344 Career Batting Average (T-6th All-Time)
• 2,654 Career Hits
• 521 Career Homeruns (T-18th All-Time)
• 1,839 Career RBI's (14th All-Time)
• .482 Career On-Base Percentage (1st All-Time)
• Last player to hit over .400 in a season
• 17x All-Star
• 2x AL MVP (1946, 1949)
• Number Retired by Red Sox
• Named to the All-Century Team
• Named to the All-Time Team
• 1966 Hall of Fame Inductee
• 39 Successful Combat Missions Flown as Naval Aviator
• Member of the International Game Fish Association Hall of Fame

Wait, what?!?  International Game Fish Association Hall of Fame?  That's right, after Ted Williams retired from baseball, he decided that he would master another skill and became a deep sea fisherman.  He got so good at it that he was inducted into the International Game Fish Hall of Fame.  That dude was a badass.  Oh, and on top of that, he was shot down and survived a crash while flying during World War II.  Bad.  Ass.

"No wonder he made the Fishing Hall of Fame, he fished in such a tiny boat."

Mason at the Carnival

Here comes the next chapter about my awesome nephew Mason and his ridiculousness antics.  Recently, Mason's older brother had a baseball game (and he is 6 or 7, I can't remember, but they play some sort of weird hybrid of baseball where the kids pitch and also, the coaches pitch, really strange) and the whole family was there.  That night was also the first night of the local carnival which was happening next door.  Right beside the field was the carnival's Dunk Tank and Mason and his little brother, Doc (that's what I call him), were curious and went to check it out.  It was still early in the night and they had just set up the Dunk Tank, but they already had a couple of customers.  The first guy failed miserably to dunk the guy, but the second customer hit his mark and sank the guy in the tank.  Well, Mason instantly loved this thing and wanted to dunk the guy.  After the carnival worker had set up the tank for the next customer, he started chatting it up with someone on the other side of the tank and this was when Mason saw his opportunity.  He walked right up to the lever and smacked it to see what would happen and totally surprised the guy in the tank as he fell back in the water.  Mason then strutted away having accomplished his goal.  So, if I had to guess, there is now a poster with Mason's picture on it telling carnival workers not to turn their back on him, no matter what or they will regret it.

"Here is Mason practicing for college."

The Future of Football

According to a study I saw on CNN, there are four million concussion-related sports injuries each year and over half of those were during football games or practices.  With the growing concern of concussion-related injuries, where do you think the future of football is headed?  Here are a couple scenarios that might happen:

• Loss of Talent - With more and more studies being done on the post-careers of professional football players, the results are not encouraging.  The wear and tear that playing football takes on a human body is already disturbing (bad knees, backs, and other body parts), but it is the effects of repeated blows to the head that are really taking their toll.  Former players are losing their memory at increasingly younger ages from the result of numerous concussions when they played, but it is the other symptoms that are really scary.  Very recently, All-Pro linebacker, Junior Seau, took his own life due to extreme depression which is directly linked to concussions.  Other players have become unusually violent even though they have always been known to be gentle people.  And some studies have shown that players with numerous concussions had the mental deterioration of a 60-year old Alzheimer's patient.  So, with all this in mind, why would a kid's parents want their child to play the sport?  Sure, there will always be plenty of parents who will only be looking at the dollar signs their kids will make, but there will also be more and more parents who won't allow their kids to play because they will and should be concerned about their health.  You would have to assume that with the more studies done about concussions that the more the talent pool will be reduced due to parent's not allowing kids to play the sport.
• Changes to the Game Itself - Since concussions are believed to be the biggest threat to the health of football players, does this mean that football will have to dramatically change the rules to the game to the point that it doesn't even resemble football anymore?  Will they take away kickoffs because the most violent collisions occur during this aspect of the game?  Will football eventually take away tackling altogether?  Football would no longer be allowed to be called football with such radical changes and sadly, we may be headed in that direction.
• Insurance - The biggest concern of all for the future of football is the fact that high school and college football may no longer be able to afford the cost of insuring the sport at their respective levels.  Because of the studies done on concussions, insurance companies will either raise their premiums too high for the lower levels of football to afford, or they may just not insure the sport at all.  If either of these outcomes happens, then football may actually cease to exist.  No more tailgating.  No more tradition.  No more fantasy football.  No more football.

Any and all of these things are a very real possibility, so I would suggest consuming as much football as you can now before the sport either changes beyond recognition or dies a slow death.

"I feel obligated to show a scantily clothed female to lighten to the mode.  You're welcome."

Why Isn't This Standard - Magazine Subscriptions

Finally, some peace and quiet.  Time to open up a good magazine and read about how to make a bong out of an apple and look at hot chicks......and clean up this absurd mess!  If you just opened a new magazine, you just got at least four or five index card sized sheets for a subscription on your floor.  Do the magazine companies really think that will make someone subscribe?  For that matter, if they knew you would buy every new issue they would probably rather you buy it off the rack for 5 times more than a subscription - I would have to imagine that would be worth sacrificing the subscription numbers they pitch to advertisers.

Does anyone that would buy a magazine not realize that you can get a subscription to any magazine?  And if that is the case how would you go about it?  I (meaning the world) would Google it.  Having shit fall out of my magazine just makes me pissed at the magazine.  Recently this led me to buying Bicycling Magazine electronically - if that is what they are after then congrats, it worked.  I guess I might understand ONE piece of paper to get people to subscribe - there are still a lot of people who haven't figured out the World Wide Wow yet, but why would you pay to put more than one in your mag?  There should only be ONE fall-out ad, not 12.  There should be a law against this - it's harassment.  It's the same thing as a debt collector calling you a million times.

There is one more aspect of this that sucks and you probably only think about it when it happens but it is horrible.  It isn't enough for these magazines to put 12 cards that fall out in there, but they also put one full page (which is just 2 more cards that you can tear out) that is extra thick so whenever you go back to look at something you ALWAYS go to that stupid page.  I was looking for the home brewing recipe page, jackasses, not how to spend $15 to be annoyed 12 more times this year.

Something must be done about this egregious breech of personal property.  Maybe if you subscribe already your issues don't have any subscription cards in them.  Otherwise, go digital.

"Why are the pages stuck together?"

Groundhog Day

We are going to be talking about Groundhog Day the movie and not that weird tradition with the overgrown rat....well, I guess we are technically talking about both.  Anyways, let's cut to the chase about why we are going to discuss this movie today.  Here is a quote from an interview that was conducted with actor Stephen Tobolowsky (he played Ned Ryerson) about the movie:

"So [Harold Ramis (aka Egon from Ghostbusters)] said that the entire progress of Groundhog Day covered 10,000 years."

Yup, you read that correctly, according to the director, Bill Murray's character was trapped for 10,000 years on Groundhog Day.  10,000 YEARS.  No wonder he kept trying to kill himself.  At some point, he must have thought he was in hell because living the same day over and over 3,650,000 times (I assume there were no Leap Years) would drive anyone insane.  At the same time, imagine all that you could learn if you lived to be over 10,000 years old.  In Bill Murray's case, he learned how to play the piano and sculpt ice with a chainsaw (which is awesome).  However, he also could have read every book that was available to him in the tiny town of Punxsutawny (I had to look  up how to spell that ridiculousness), mastered cool skills like sword fighting, and learn every sex position known to man (and make up new ones).  But still, 10,000 years is a long ass time and living out that life trapped on the same day would be torturous.

"This thing can predict the weather?  It doesn't even look like it can stand up on its own."

NOKW - Batman Begins

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Batman Begins

Basic Plot:  We learn about Bruce Wayne's past and his transformation into Batman, also he takes on The Scarecrow and his old teacher, Ra's al Ghul.

I'm Okay With:  (I'm going to repeat a couple of the ones I did for The Dark Knight post) The fact that a mere mortal with no superpowers is able to take down waves of bad guys with only a score of bat-themed gadgets, his fists, and no lethal weapons.  The fact that no one in Gotham City can figure out Batman's real identity despite that the only person rich enough to afford to be Batman is Bruce Wayne.  The fact that Lieutenant Gordon is not put under heavy investigation after driving and then using Batman's armored tank thingy to blow up the one of the tracks of the city-wide public subway.  The fact that Batman's armored tank thingy could disappear while surrounded by cop cars and followed by a helicopter's search light during the big chase scene.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that in one of the opening scenes, Bruce is asked by Ra's al Ghul to execute a man (who we are told was a thief or murderer or something bad) which would complete his training and ultimately allow him to join The League of Shadows.  Instead of killing the guy, Bruce escapes by blowing up the entire headquarters which results in him indirectly killing everyone inside including the guy he refused to execute.  Also, there were numerous other innocent (maybe) people trapped in cages that probably died horrible deaths.  On top of that, he saved only one person from the explosion, Ra's al Ghul, the one guy who was in charge of the whole operation which came back to bite Bruce in the ass at the end of the movie.  Seriously, if he didn't want to execute one scumbag, he could have done so without killing everyone else inside the building, including said scumbag.  I am not okay with that.

"Why they ever replaced her with the manly-looking Maggie Gyllenhaal in the 2nd movie, I will never know.  However, was I the only one who cheered when they killed her character in The Dark Knight?"

Stupid State Laws

Here is a new series of posts where I tell you guys about a state law still on the books of that respective state and discuss why it is stupid.  Let's go.

Alabama

"Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death."

Uhhh....why?  Neither part of this law makes sense.  Why is putting salt on a railroad track a bad thing?  I could understand if you put a fuck-ton of it on a railroad track, because it may cause the train to derail, but punishable by death?  That seems a little harsh.  What I really want to know is how many times this happened before they had to make a law about it?  Once?  Twice?  A million?  In fact, I want to know if there is anybody currently on death row who was found guilty of this crime.  Just imagine that conversation:

Inmate #1:  So, what are you in for?
Inmate #2:  I killed an entire family and kept their eyes as trophies.  You?
Inmate #1:  I put salt on a railroad track.
Inmate #2:  Hardcore, buddy.  Hardcore.

"Bubba, I think we might be in trouble.  How did I ever let you talk me into putting salt on that railroad track?  Oh yeah.  Natty Light, moonshine, and cocaine."

Baseball Comedies

Have you ever noticed that almost all comedy movies that involve baseball, more specifically, comedies that are set with an actual Major League Baseball team, use teams from the Midwest?  Pretty much every single one of baseball comedies are set in the Midwest and I have no idea why.  Let me show you what I mean:

• Major League 1 & 2 - Cleveland Indians
• Major League 3: Back to the Minors - Minnesota Twins
• Rookie of the Year - Chicago Cubs
• Little Big League - Minnesota Twins
• Mr. 3000 - Milwaukee Brewers
• For Love of the Game - Detroit Tigers

Alright, that's kind of short list, but then again, there are not that many pure comedy baseball movies (and I know For Love of the Game is more love story than baseball movie, but I thought it had enough one-liners to count, also, did you know that that movie is directed by Sam Raimi, the same guy behind the Spider-Man movies).  There are other baseball comedies out there, but most either involve a fictional team or had to use the Angels because of the plot.  In either case, I can't figure out why Hollywood always uses Major League teams from the Midwest when making comedy movies.  It makes no sense to me.

"Do you guys remember when Charlie Sheen was only kind of crazy and not bat-shit insane?"

Mason and His Little Brother

Here comes another story about my awesome nephew Mason.  This time I need you to watch an old Trident commercial in order to tell you this tale.  Here is that commercial:

Do you remember that ad campaign?  If you didn't watch that video, it is the one where a couple of kids' mom walks in on her daughter putting makeup on her son and asks what they are doing and they reply "Fighting cavities?".  Well, my sister had a similar situation happen with Mason.  One afternoon, she had just gotten out of the shower and walked into the living room.  That was when she found Mason feeding his younger brother Tylenol (Mason's younger brother's name is Emmitt and every time I hear his name, I always think about Doc Emmitt Brown from Back to the Future and have been trying to get people to call him "Doc" because of it).  My sister then asked Mason what he was doing and he responded, "I wanted to know how [the Tylenol] tasted, but didn't want to eat them myself".  Yup, Mason was feeding his young brother headache medicine because he wanted to know how they tasted, but didn't want to be the first one to eat one, so he duped his younger brother into doing it instead.  In other words, Trident Gum must have heard about this and made a commercial about it.  That crazy Mason is probably owed royalties right now and there is not telling what he would do with that money, but I can tell you, it can't be good for the rest of us.

Pangea

I'm hoping you guys know what Pangea is, if not, it is the name of the super-continent that existed on Earth 300 million years ago.  Basically, every continent we know of today was connected and then over time, they drifted apart (I know me telling you this may seem like I assume you guys are idiots, but bare with me, it's going somewhere).  This is what Pangea looked like:

And this is what we know the Earth looks like today:

Now, it took roughly 300 million years for the current configuration to happen, but that begs the questions - what is the world going to look like in another 300 million years?  Is Alaska going to collide with Russia?  Is South America going to squish together with Antarctica or bump uglies with Australia?  Will the world become another super-continent?  This is just another weird (brainfart) thought that goes through my head.  In any case, I don't think humanity will have to worry about that.  We will either kill each other off or be taken over by zombies, robots, or aliens.  Or maybe worse, zombie robot aliens!!!

Bane

The third and final Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises, comes out in roughly five weeks.  And I cannot wait.  I can't say that I've been this excited to see a movie since I was a kid and went and saw the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.  In the new Batman, their are two villains (maybe, no one is sure where Catwoman's allegiances lie yet) and one of them is the comic book character, Bane, who will be played by the actor, Tom Hardy, who you may know from Inception, Layer Cake, RocknRolla, or This Means War.  Here is what Tom Hardy looks like:

And here is what he looks like as Bane:

I don't know what it is about Christopher Nolan and his Batman villains, but he sure as hell can transform them into some amazing characters on screen.  Heath Ledger's Joker was better than awesome, so I'm really looking forward to Tom Hardy's Bane and based on the trailers, I don't think he is going to disappoint.  Oh, and I recently read that the studio behind the Batman movies really pushed hard to have Leonardo DiCaprio play The Riddler in this movie, but that fell through.  Personally, I think Leo as a bad guy would have been his best role to date and it turns out that he turned down the new Batman movie in order to play an evil plantation owner in the new Quentin Tarantino flick, Django Unchained, so we might get to see this role after all.

All-Star Games

Can someone please explain to me why professional sports still have All-Star Games?  Seriously, I don't understand the reasoning behind having them anymore when the only one I watch is the MLB All-Star Game and that is because it airs in the middle of the summer when absolutely nothing else is on TV except Two and a Half Men reruns (then again, if you like fart jokes then we all know what you are watching that night).  Each major sports' All-Star Game is heavily flawed, so let's break it down:

• NFL Pro-Bowl:  It used to come on after the season was finished, but now its held the week before the Super Bowl (however, I think I heard it is now played after the Super Bowl again, so confusing), therefore, every player picked to play in it from the Super Bowl teams are automatically out.  That means that a handful of the best players from the best teams are already going to miss it.  On top of that, since none of the players want to get hurt while playing in the Pro Bowl, they either don't play hard or skip it altogether meaning even crappier players are substituted in their place making the game even worse.
• NBA All-Star Game:  No Defense.  Neither team gives a damn about playing defense which may seem cool because the final score is super high, but it also sets up way too many easy points which defeats the purpose.  Also, the Slam Dunk Contest usually overshadows the actual All-Star Game, but since no one even knows who those participants are anymore, no one cares about that thing either.
• MLB All-Star Game:  This one is stupid for a multitude of reasons.  First, the ballots are released a month after the season starts, therefore, only a small percentage of the games have even been played and no one can really gauge who should be picked.  Second, the fans pick the starters for each squad meaning that the teams in larger markets with the biggest fan bases will always get their players picked over more deserving players (which is why the AL roster is always loaded with Yankee and Red Sox players, but so far this season, the Texas Rangers are owning the starting spots).  Third, the coaches from each team are supposed to make sure that every player from their respective teams gets some playing time, therefore, the end of the game is always littered with the bottom of the barrel of the All-Stars in the game.  Which brings us to the last reason that this game is so stupid - the winner of the game gets home field advantage in the World Series for their league.  So, this means that the worst of the All-Star players are ultimately going to decide who gets home field advantage in the World Series because the coaches have to play everyone who was picked.  That's just stupid.
• NASCAR All-Star Race:  Yes, I'm including this one because it is as equally stupid as the other ones on this list.  First off, the All-Star Race is held two months into the nine-month season.  What?  On top of that, what exactly constitutes an All-Star in NASCAR?  Because Dale Earnhardt Jr was in this year's race and he hasn't even won a race since 2008.  Lastly, how can you have an All-Star Race when the guys competing in it will just be competing against the same guys in every other race the rest of the season (minus the scrubs)?  Nothing about this race makes any damned sense.
• NHL All-Star Game:  This is the only game that I think has a really cool element to it.  First, the fans and players pick who is going to compete in the.....match (is that right?).  Then, two captains are chosen who then alternate picks to see who will play on the two teams.  How cool is that?  Too bad it is hockey and no one gives two shits about that sport other than Canadians.

"Hmmm, maybe I should watch hockey after all."

NOKW - X-Men 2

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  X-Men 2

Basic Plot:  Professor X and his X-Men are back and this time they are fighting against Wolverine's old military boss, William Striker, and I guess technically Magneto.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that mutants with super powers exist based solely on the fact that one of their genes is slightly different than non-mutants.  The fact that Magneto has the mutant power to control all of the earth's "magnetic fields" and that technically every thing on earth has a magnetic field, yet for some reason he can only control metal.  The fact that the government keeps funding the bad guy's budget in order for him to literally kill millions of mutants/people.  The fact that most of the mutants have really worthless abilities yet are still allowed to tag along and take on bad guy mutants that can easily destroy them (I'm look at you, Rogue).  The fact that at the end of the movie, Jean Grey could have just as easily saved everyone from that broken dam by staying in the ship and not sacrificing herself.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the bad guy, William Striker, keeps his secret Cerebro plans visible on his desktop computer screen.  Seriously, when Mystique goes to Striker's office (which isn't even an office as much as it is a cubicle) to find out where he is hiding Magneto, she glances at his desktop and sees an icon labeled "Cerebro".  It isn't even hidden in another folder like you would with your porn collection, it is in plain sight for anyone to see if they wanted to.  And sure enough, because he didn't bother to hide his secret plans to build a new Cerebro, Mystique steals a copy which leads to Striker's downfall and nearly the annihilation of all non-mutants on earth.  I am not okay with that.

"Is it just me or do the casting directors never quite cast actresses with the correct proportions to play the X-Men characters?"

The Queen of Commercials

Do you know who Gillian Vigman is?  No?  Well, you should because I have unofficially decided to crown her the Queen of Commercials.  Look at that picture below and tell me that you haven't been watching a Jack-in-the-Box commercial and said to yourself, "I swear I have seen that lady who plays Jack's wife in a million other commercials".  If you didn't say that, then you own a DVR and refuse to watch any commercials.  If you did, it's because Gillian Vigman has been in a million commercials (or at least it seems that way).  Here are some of the commercials I know she has been in:

• 1-800-CONTACTS ("Look, look with your special eyes")
• Hanes
• Swiffer
• Chase
• Jack-in-the-Box
• DirectTV
• United Airlines
• Essurance
• Rooms To Go
• Nutri Grain
• Buick
• Sears
• Progressive Insurance
• Breathe Right
• Nespresso
• And if our readers are to be believed, McCormick's! Crazy and California Milk

Also, she has branched out and starred in a couple movies (she played Bradley Cooper's wife in The Hangover movies) and TV shows (she currently plays one of the wives on Suburgatory).  Anyways, since she seems to be in every commercial on TV, I thought Brainfart Thoughts should name her the unofficial Queen of Commercials.  That's all I've got, it's Sunday, sue me.

"When I was looking for a picture of her, photos of Matthew Lillard kept showing up in the results for no apparent reason."

The Bering Strait

I've always found it somewhat strange that America wasn't discovered way earlier than 1492 considering that Alaska and Russia are only separated by 53 miles.  Yup, the Bering Strait is a 53-mile stretch of water that separates a cape in Russia from a cape in Alaska and yet it took until 1492 for Christopher Columbus to "find" America after he stumbled upon it.  I understand that that part of Russia is sparsely populated and that it's freezing cold in that area of the world, but still, you would think someone would get curious enough to go exploring that area.  The world was and is full of people looking to make a name for themselves, so I just find it weird that it took so long to find America when there was only a few hours worth of sailing between the two continents.  Hell, there is even a small island in the middle of the Bering Strait, so if someone wanted to take a quick rest before discovering a history book worthy piece of real estate.  It's even stranger that it took so long to settle the West Coast when after the discovery of America was announced, no one from Asia decided they should see if they could find the other side of America faster than the Europeans.

"We could all be Russians right now."

The Name Mason

This isn't a story about my awesome nephew Mason, but something interesting I read recently that relates to his name.  They (and I'm not exactly sure who "they" are) announced the Most Popular Baby Names this year and here is the Top 10 list for boy's names:

1. Jacob
2. Mason
3. William
4. Jayden
5. Noah
6. Michael
7. Ethan
8. Alexander
9. Aiden
10. Daniel

Yup, the name Mason was the 2nd most popular baby name this past year.  Most "experts" seem to think that the reason the name Mason was so popular is because one of those whore Kardashians named their kid Mason and the gullible public followed suit.  However, I tend to think that people have been reading about my awesome nephew and decided to get a leg up and name their own kids after him so that when he takes over the world, they might be spared.  The funny thing about his name showing up on that list is that before my sister named him, I had never met anyone with that name (other than myself and it is my middle name), so that is quite a leap for his name is such a short period of time.  Anyways, if someone tells you that they named their kid Mason, either they watch way too much garbage TV or they are appeasing their future dictator.  (Random side note - I guess Team Jacob is winning the war considering the name Edward didn't even make the list and Jacob claimed the top spot.....for now.)

"Your future king."

Video Game Endings

I've always wondered what happens to the hero or heroes of a video game once they go back to their normal lives after defeating whatever evil jackass that was trying to take over the world.  In the case of only one hero, such as Link from Zelda, when he finally takes down Ganon by himself and there is no one there to witness it, will anyone believe him?  When he goes back to his village and claims that he saved the world, do you think everyone he knows will congratulate him by throwing a huge party or do you think they tell him to shut up and finish his yard work with his fancy new sword?  The best movie equivalent would be the end of The Lord of the Rings when Frodo and his buddies ride back into the Shire and no one seems to care that they helped defeat Sauron, the dickweed that would have enslaved the world.  Instead, they mostly just ignore their saviors.

However, there is the other scenario where a group of heroes kill the bad guy, like in the classic game Final Fantasy 3.  In that case, there were numerous witnesses to the final battle and when they tell their tale, those heroes will probably instantly become rock stars in their fictional world.  With the world privy to their selfless act, do you think our heroes will ever have to pay for a beer again?  Do they now have the option to turn down an orgy for the third time that day?  These are the (brainfart) thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis.

I guess it seems like these scenarios would only arise in the classic video games because in your more modern games, the main characters already seem to be known as bad asses in their fictional universes.  For example, Master Chief from Halo already has a reputation of kicking ass when you are introduced to him or Marcus Fenix from Gears of War is instantly the go-to guy when you start playing those games.  In any case, I've always wanted to see a video game ending where it shows the hero having to fight off chicks with a stick because he is the most famous person alive.

"Or in Link's case, he would have to use a sword."

Days of Thunder Predicts The Future

I was watching the great early 90's movie, Days of Thunder, the other day when I noticed a couple of strange coincidences.  First, it's weird that I like this movie at all considering I think NASCAR is stupid.  And second, this movie literally predicted the future more than once.  I'll show you what I mean:

• One of the first things they tell you about Tom Cruise's character (the appropriately name Cole Trickle) is that he is a hot shot driver from California.  Why is this important?  Up to that point in NASCAR history, the vast majority of drivers were from the South (including all of the Top 10 Winningest Drivers).  That was until a hot shot driver from California came along in 1992 (two years after this movie was released) named Jeff Gordon.  The Rainbow Warrior has since moved past legendary drivers like Dale Earnhardt, Bobby Allison, and Carl Yarborough into 3rd place in All-Time Wins in NASCAR History with 85 wins and he has won four Cup Championships.  (Another strange coincidence is that both Tom Cruise and Jeff Gordon are really short, both standing in at whooping 5 feet 7 inches tall.)  After Jeff Gordon, another driver from California came along by the name of Jimmie Johnson who has dominated since his arrival and even won five straight Cup Championships and is now 8th in All-Time Wins.  Days of Thunder predicted this.
• Next up, another big plot in the movie involves Cole Trickle and his rival, Rowdy Burns, getting in a major wreck at Daytona.  After the wreck, Rowdy is diagnosed with a broken blood vessel in his brain that occurred because of a concussion he suffered during that wreck.  In other words, Days of Thunder knew the seriousness of concussions well before it became a problem in other sports, namely football.
• And the last prediction was just a throw-away line used to give one of the smaller characters a little bit of background.  Right after Cole won his first, his crew had a couple of fake cops pull their RV over and pretend to arrest everyone for having moonshine.  Then one of the fake cops turned out to be a hooker and presumably banged Cole's brains out.  Just before that happened, Cole was talking to one of his crew members (played by John C. Reilly) and found out that he was the son of a famous fictional driver.  That famous fictional driver died when he hit the wall during a race at Daytona.  What other famous driver with a son in the business died when hitting the wall during a race at Daytona?  Yup, this movie predicted the death of Dale "The Intimidator" Earnhardt who died when he hit the wall at a race in Daytona.  Creepy.

So, as you can clearly see, Days of Thunder was not only a great movie, but it also foresaw two huge parts of NASCAR History and the seriousness of concussions.  How crazy is that?

"It also predicted that John C. Reilly would be in the only other movie about NASCAR."

MTV Movie Awards

Why do the MTV Movie Awards exist?  Seriously, why?  When whatever shitty Twilight movie that came out that year has won the Best Movie Award for four straight years, how can you call that an award and not a popularity contest?  For god's sake, the only thing I know about the Twilight universe is that their vampires can go out in the sun and not only do they not instantly die but instead, they "sparkle".  How is it possible for a movie with such a terrible concept like that actually win the Best Movie Award?  The answer - because 13-year old girls are the ones voting for this garbage.  Do you know what other movies have won this award?  Menace II Society, Scream, and Napoleon Dynamite (an extremely overrated movie).  In no way should those movies ever even been nominated for an award that involves the words "Best Movie".  Also, Robert Pattinson was won two Best Performance Awards and that guy doesn't have a single acting bone in his entire body.  Do you know who else won a Best Performance Award?  Keanu Reeves for The Matrix.  Are you kidding me?  His most memorable line in that movie was "Whoa".

This year, The Hunger Games nearly swept every category it was nominated for and considering there are two more of those movies to go, you can already predict that it will win everything in the next two years.  Teenage girls are so stupid.  I think Tom Felton (he played Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies) said it best when he won his second Best Villain Award, "This is very cool.  This will look very nice in my downstairs toilet".  In other words, he is putting that award where he puts the rest of his shit.  Literally.  And personally, I think that is quite fitting and should be the norm for all MTV Movie Awards.

"Why is he not bursting into flames?  It must be because he is so handsome....WHAT?!?!"

NOKW - Waterworld

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Waterworld

Basic Plot:  I don't know, something about the polar ice caps melting and now everyone lives on the ocean and Kevin Costner is somehow half-fish/half-man.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that the bad guys (called Smokers) seem to have an endless supply of cigarettes even though they seem to all chain smoke and have no way to make more.  The fact that Kevin Costner's character has evolved to the point that he has fully functional gills in (I'm guessing) only a couple generations of humans living on the ocean.  The fact that Kevin Costner is swallowed by a giant fish and is able to kill it from the inside with only a spear and no breathable air (or water).  The fact that there is still enough gas to use on the bad guy's jet skis, let alone enough resources to keep those things in running condition.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that everyone is so dirty despite living literally on top of water every day of their lives.  (I have to give this one credit to the short-lived show Mr. Sunshine.)  Seriously, every person they show is covered in grim and considering their isn't any dirt laying around (hence the name Waterworld), how did they get so dirty?  And on top of that, they live on the water.  So how hard is to jump in, wash yourself off, jump back out, and dry off in the sun?  I know there are giant man-eating fish in this fictional world, but they have their homes protected by underwater nets, so those killer fish shouldn't be a problem.  Why can't they clean themselves off every once in awhile?  Hell, they could take multiple baths a day, but instead they live their lives covered in filth.  I am not okay with that.

"Do you guys remember when he played Robin Hood, but didn't bother to try and have a British accent?"

The New York Yankees

Here is a random sports fact for you - the New York Yankees were originally the Baltimore Orioles.  Yup, the team with the most World Series (27) and had some of the best players ever (Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio, etc) play for their organization was not originally from New York (and to make things even stranger, the current Baltimore Orioles are originally from Milwaukee).  Anyways, in 1901, the club was created in Baltimore and moved to New York in 1903 where they were first known as the Highlanders (but not actually immortal).  Then their name changed because the press didn't like that nickname and started calling them the "Yanks" and it stuck in 1913.  Well, I thought that was worth sharing.  That's all I've got, it's Sunday, sue me.

"No caption needed."

American Ninja Warrior v. Wipeout

On Monday, NBC aired their second installment of the show American Ninja Warrior (it originally was a Japanese game show, then the US picked it up on some channel called G4 and then NBC started airing it this year) and I couldn't help but think that this is just NBC's response to the awesome show Wipeout.  Considering Wipeout has been on the air since 2008, you have to assume they get pretty good ratings, so NBC is just trying to get in on the "Watch People Bust Their Asses on Obstacle Course" market.  However, I noticed a huge difference between the two shows.  ANW (I didn't feel like typing out the whole name of the show but this sentence explaining that seems to defeat that) makes their obstacles so that the contestants competing can actually complete them, while Wipeout has no intentions of letting their contestants make it through unscathed.  You see, ANW has an obstacle course that is supposed to test the contestants upper-body strength and if they are in ridiculous shape, they can complete the course.  But Wipeout's course is built in order to watch fat people get their fat asses handed to them.  And do you know what?  It is so entertaining to watch.  In other words, Wipeout holds the crown for the Best Obstacle Course Game Show and I don't see anyone knocking them off the mountain any time soon (plus I was half-watching Jeopardy! while writing this and one of the answer/questions was 'What is Wipeout?').  Also, it doesn't hurt that Wipeout is only a one hour show and AWN is two hours and gets extremely boring when they only have the one obstacle course the entire time (update - it turns out that only the first episode was two hours and the rest are one hour long, but it's still the same obstacle course each time with very minor deviations).

"This is Jill Wagner.  She used to be Wipeout's sideline hottie, but she quit to pursue acting and they replaced her with Nick Lachey's wife.  She is terrible.  Bring back Jill!!!"

Mason and the Elf

Here comes another story about my awesome nephew Mason.  First off, if you don't know what an Elf On The Shelf is, it is a toy elf doll that parents tell their kids is watching them and reports back to Santa to tell him if they are being naughty of nice.  Well, my sister thought it would be a good idea to get one and see if it would help make Mason and his brothers behave (ha).  She set it up to look like Santa delivered an early gift, which she did by moving the fireplace screen out of place and putting the present under the tree and telling her kids that only Santa could have delivered that gift.  She then let them open the present and explained to them that the Elf On The Shelf will tell Santa if they misbehave.  Mason's brothers ate it up, but Mason took one look at the thing and said "That's not real". which is the three year old equivalent of calling bullshit.  (Now, if anyone out there watches the FX show The League, then you will recall that in one of their episodes a very similar thing happened with one of the characters and his daughter.  However, my sister told me this story literally the day before that episode aired, so if anything, The League heard about it and wrote it into that episode as a tribute to Mason and his awesomeness.)  Quick FYI, Mason's oldest brother named the elf Sparkles and according to the booklet that came with the elf, he has "magical flying powers" that he uses at night to go tell Santa whether my nephews have been naughty or nice each day, however, if one of them touches Sparkles, he will lose those powers and Santa will instantly know that they have been bad.  My sister also told Mason that if he misbehaved, then Santa would stop making his forklift and he wouldn't get it for Christmas, so he better believe that Sparkles would tell on him.

Now, since Mason didn't believe that Sparkles was real, the first thing he wanted to do was touch him, which forced my sister to put the elf well out of reach from her kids.  And do you think that stopped Mason?  If you do, then you underestimate Mason and are most likely doomed.  What Mason did instead was he woke up really early the next morning, found a broom, knocked Sparkles off his shelf, and proceeded to walk around the whole day flaunting the elf off to his brothers.  Because of Mason's craftiness, my sister was forced to use a ladder to help tie the elf to certain light fixtures that Mason had no chance of reaching.  That move didn't stop Mason, he came up with a new idea and got his Nintendo Wii Rifle that came with his Big Game Hunter game (and I would bet that he never misses his mark in that game) and went what he called "Elf Hunting" and proceeded to shoot the elf with his toy every time he saw him.  Apparently, my sister was told that this toy worked wonders with other parents' children, but Mason effectively ruined that experience for her and his brothers within a couple of days.  The morale of this story - don't try to trick or force Mason into doing anything, it WILL backfire.

"Elf Huntin."