Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Russell Crowe

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Russell Crowe

Top 5

Maximus, Gladiator - This has to be the role that everyone thinks of when they think of Russell Crowe.  The only problem with it is that he played a "Spaniard" and didn't play the character as Spanish at all.
Ben Wade, 3:10 To Yuma - Oddly enough, Russell has done a lot of stuff that I haven't heard of nor seen, but I did see this movie and loved it.  It was an American Western starring two Brits (Crowe and Batman), but they pulled it off perfectly.
Bud White, L.A. Confidential - The only thing I remember about his part in this movie was him getting shot in the face.  I do remember him being really good as well, but that image always pops in my head first.
Jim Braddock, Cinderella Man - This movie was great except for one little problem - Renee Zellweger.  Other than Jerry Maguire, can you name anything else she was likable in?  Thankfully, we haven't heard from her in awhile.
Sid 6.7, Virtuosity - And now for my random character that I liked.  Russell played a serial killer computer program that escapes into the real world and Denzel Washington has to hunt him down.  This was one of Russell's first roles in a movie and he played a deranged killer to a T.  Loved it.

Bottom 5

Javert, Les Miserables - I'm sorry, but seeing Maximus sing is just wrong.  Plus it was kind of disappointing to see how short Russell is compared to Hugh Jackman.
Pearly Soames, Winter's Tale - I never saw this nor do I ever plan on it, but I do know that this movie sucked and I heard Russell really phoned it in.  He kept switching accents throughout the movie as if he just didn't care to be there.
Jack Knife, The Man with the Iron Fists - Why did he do this movie?  Was he that hard up for cash?
Robin Longstride, Robin Hood - When I heard that Russell was making a Robin Hood movie with the director of Gladiator, I couldn't have been more pumped.  Well, they screwed that one up pretty bad, didn't they?
Noah, Noah - This movie was doomed as soon as the idea was brought to life.  There is no way to make the story of Noah's Ark interesting without just making stuff up and that is what happened and that is why this movie blew.

Who Is This? Part 17

Alright, so who is this?  Not the lady.  The guy with the arrow pointing at his head.  Any idea?  None.  How about a hint?  In the one movie you know him from, he played the title character's buddy.  That did it, right?  Not even close?!?  What is wrong with you!  That was a great hint.  It wasn't?  Fine, here's a better one - in the one movie you know him from, he peed his pants while on a field trip and the title character splashed water on his pants to make it look cool.  You got it, that's Jared Cook, also known as Ernie from the classic Adam Sandler movie, Billy Madison.

So, what is he doing today?  No clue.  Billy Madison was the last movie he did according to his IMDB page, so I can only assume he is totally coasting on that fame.  Hell, why not, he did bag that honey up above, so he must doing okay with the ladies and that's all that matters, am I right, fellas?

Sequels, Prequels, and More - Part 15

Another look at Hollywood's hilarious concept of upcoming movies, meaning that they have run out of ideas and they can only come up with another round of prequels, sequels, and remakes and nothing original.  In this case, we will be looking at all of the video games that are in production to become movies:

• Predator Reboot - Another Schwarzenegger classic being remade?  Didn't they prove with the Conan the Barbarian remake that this isn't a good idea?  I like the guy who played the new Conan, Jason Momoa, but there really isn't another actor out there that can fill Arnold's huge shoes and one of the ones who can just signed on to play Aquaman.
• Pacific Rim 2 - Okay, the first Pacific Rim wasn't bad, but there was a solid hour where giant robots weren't fighting giant monsters.  So, if they are making a sequel, there better be more giant fights.
• The Mummy Reboot - When was the last time Brendan Fraser got work?  I looked it up and apparently he has been working this whole time, but I still haven't seen him.  As for a Mummy reboot?  No thank you.
• Boba Fett - It's not official, but there is a Star Wars spin-off series coming out in 2016 that is supposedly the origin story for everybody's unwarrented favorite bounty hunter.  Didn't we already see his origins in the 2nd Star Wars movie?
• Scouts v. Zombies - I only included this one because Arnold Schwarzenegger's kid will be in it.  Otherwise, I think the title explains the rest of the movie for you.
• Ghostbusters Reboot - It says it's a reboot but the link also says that the original cast will be starring in it.  How exactly is that a reboot?  I guess the old Ghostbusters will be teaching a new batch of Ghostbusters.  Sure, why not.
• Guardians of the Galaxy 2 - The first one hasn't even come out and they are already making a sequel.  I'm hoping this movie is awesome, but shouldn't you wait until the first one makes some money first before announcing a second one?  I'm just saying.
• Ride Along 2 - Kevin Hart is funny.  Ice Cube?  Not so much.  Did I see the first Ride Along?  Nope.  Will I see the first Ride Along?  Maybe on HBO.  Same goes for the sequel.

NOKW - Spider-Man 2

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Spider-Man 2

Basic Plot:  The second installment of the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man series where he fights stuff and saves people, blah blah blah.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that nobody has connected the dots between Peter Parker disappearing and a guy of the same size in a spider-themed suit showing up to save the day.  The fact that nobody at the Daily Bugle has figured out that Peter Parker, the only guy who seems to be able to take pictures of Spider-Man, just might be Spider-Man.  The fact that J. Jonah Jameson's hatred for Spider-Man really is unwarranted.  The fact that Peter still sells his pictures to the one newspaper that seems to hate him.  The fact that every time that Doc Ock's mechanical arms are all doing something, they should be ripped off of his back or at least he should fall over with all that weight being on his back.  The fact that Harry Osbourne is mad that Spider-Man killed his dad even though his dad was a murdering super-villain.  The fact that Spider-Man can just lose his powers due to stress.  The fact that I really don't think Spider-Man is strong enough to stop a speeding train.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that everything about Doctor Octavius's first fusion experiment was possibly the worst idea ever for a scientist of his pedigree.  Let's start with the experiment itself.  He was attempting to create an energy source that would equal the output of the sun and he had to have his mechanical arms installed so that he could contain the experiment because if it went awry, Boom!  With that out of the way, let's talk about where he did his experiment.  Right in the middle of New York City.  So, if it went Boom!, millions of people would instantly be vaporized.  And not only that, he conducted his experiment not in a lab with some sort of safeguard to hope to contain a blast, but in his apartment.  What was he thinking?  And last, his experiment was attended by dozens of important people just a few yards away.  One of those people was Spider-Man who is supposedly super smart and even he didn't point out that the location of this extremely dangerous en devour was a terrible idea.  So, this "genius" was conducting an experiment that could result in a massive explosion killing millions in his apartment which was packed full of people who probably should have told him how dumb this idea truly was.  I am not okay with that.

"He may be kind of dumb for a smart guy, but I do like his style."

Stupid State Laws - Connecticut 3

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Hartford, Connecticut

"You may not educate dogs."

A couple of weeks ago it was that dogcatchers had to post notices for the dogs they were going to catch, this week, you can't educate your dog.  America really has something against man's best friend.  Why can't you educate your dog?  It's not like you can teach your little buddy quantum physics or Shakespeare.  The best you can hope for is that your furry pal will sit on command.  My only guess as to why this law exists is that some evil mastermind was teaching an army of strays to attack humans.  Sure, that could be dangerous, but still, it's a dog, one good kick to the face and it will back down.  Damn it Connecticut, lay off dogs.

"Cuff'em rookie, this little guy was trying to learn.  Now all he'll be learning is how to count the bars of his cell."
"But doesn't that mean he is still being educated, Sarge?"
"Damn it rookie, why do you always have to be right.  Just break his glasses and let's get out of here."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Walruses are ridiculous, with their longs tusks, whiskers, fat bodies, and worthless appendages.  However, have you ever wanted to see how they exercise?  Behold:

Summary:  So dumb, but so hilarious.  I loved the sit-ups the most, but it was equally as funny to watch him flail his flippers around while doing the other exercises.  Do you feel better after seeing that?  You know you do.

Movie Trailer Review - Lucy

This is not a review of the trailer, but a review of this movie based entirely on this movie's trailer.  I have a special talent of being able to figure out whether a movie will be any good based just on the trailer and I'm finally putting that talent to good use.  Screw you, it's a real talent.

Lucy

Can Scarlett Johansson carry an action movie?  At least I think it's an action movie, it may just be a thriller with some action thrown in there.  I'm not entirely sure.  Either way, a scantily clad Sco-Jo (that's her nickname, right?) is always a good way to go even though I really wasn't a fan of hers until she started wearing tight leather in the Marvel movies.

As for the trailer, my first thought was "This doesn't look that bad" and I stick by that.  It's only problem is that it reminds of that terrible movie where Bradley Cooper took a drug and it made him smarter.  And that movie sucked a big one which doesn't bode well for this thing.  I guess the difference is that this movie features a hot chick and also takes it a step further by straight up giving Sco-Jo superpowers, which seems like it is just trying to be another comic book movie without calling it a comic book movie.  Also, you do know that that "You only use 10% of your brain" thing is bullshit, right?  You use your whole brain, just not all at once.  And here is a fun prediction based on the trailer - Morgan Freeman is the bad guy.  So, should you go see this?  Nah.  But it has to be better then the movie I reviewed below.

Estimated Opening Weekend Box Office Gross - $35 million

What Kind of Fart This Movie Will Resemble:

The Malted Milk Ball Fart - Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

Bonus Review - Hercules

If you think The Rock can play a Greek god and you love ridiculous CGI battle sequences, then this is the movie for you.  As for me, no thank you.  Also, I keep seeing movie posters that say "Brett Ratner's Hercules" like he is a badass director or something.  Do you know what else he has directed?  The Rush Hour movies and that terrible 3rd X-Men movie.  Yeah, this thing is going to blow.

Today's Celebrity Birthdays - July 24th

I decided to start up a new post where I list the "celebrities" that were born on this day and then either praise them or mock them.  It will be fun, so let's do this:

• Anna Paquin (32) - Trueblood is in its last season, so I wonder where Anna's career will go from here.  If I had to guess, it better be on something where we get to see her boobs again.
• Jennifer Lopez (45) - I can't stand this person.  She is decent to look at but has such a bitch vibe to her that I cringe each time I see her.  She can't have that much left in her career, I mean, when you have to become a judge on American Idol, your career is no longer on the upswing, is it?
• Lynda Carter (63) - Oh, Wonder Woman, you are still beautiful in my book no matter how old you are.
• Rose Byrne (35) - The name may not be familiar, but you know her,  She recently played Seth Rogan's wife in Neighbors, and I have to say, she still looks fine for a 35 year old.
• Summer Glau (33) - You know her from the sadly cancelled show Firefly or The Sarah Conner Chronicles.  Fun fact - Sarah Conner was played by Cersei Lannister herself, Lena Headey.
• Barry Bonds (50) - Did the all-time home run king take steroids?  The answer is definitely.  Your hat size doesn't increase by two sizes between seasons without taking something illegal.
• Michael Richards (65) - Kramer is 65.  Amazing.  I bet you thought I was going to make fun of his racist remark, didn't you?  Nope, just his age.
• Gallagher (68) - Is this guy still smashing fruit for a living?  At 68, I wonder if he can still swing that mallet.
• Mara Wilson (27) - The little girl from Matilda and Mrs. Doubtfire is 27.  To make that even more upsurd, they are making a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel.  How old does that make you feel?
• Amelia Earhart (32) - How do you get "Airhart" out of the word "Earhart"?  Did people just start calling her that after her pilot fame took off (get it?)?  That's my only explanation.

Who Is This? Part 16

So, who is this cute young lady?  I know you got this one and I'll even give you a hint - she was a lot younger in the movie you know her from.  Great hint, right?  No?  Most of the people I show in these posts are younger in the things you know them from, you say?  I guess you're right.  I'll give you a better hint then, whiner - she crawled out of a TV to kill someone in the movie you know her from.  Yup, that's Daveigh Chase, the scary little girl from The Ring.  Look at her down there, that is some heavy makeup:

So, what has this hot 24 year old actress done since The Ring?  Well, it turns out that in that same year as The Ring, she also did the voice of Lilo from Lilo and Stitch.  That's kind of cool.  More recently, she played Rhonda Volmer in 31 episodes of Big Love, which I think is that show where Bill Paxton had a bunch of wives.  I never saw it, so I'm not sure what her part was.  Otherwise, she has some upcoming stuff according to IMDB that I've never heard of nor will ever see.  Too bad, she's pretty cute in that "girl next door" kind of way.

The Cast of Entourage

Ah yes, Hollywood is desperate for money so they are making a movie based on the TV show, Entourage, that will be coming out next year  We all remember this show, right?  It was the one about a hot young star named Vinny Chase and his 'entourage' of friends that was awesome for about three seasons and then got stupid.  Well, I still remember it but got to thinking (which is rare), for a show with some decent actors, what have their careers looked like since that show came on the air in 2004?  This is what I found:

• Adrian Grenier - Other than a small part in The Devil Wears Prada, Vinny Chase has not been in a movie that I've heard of.  Adrian is a good looking dude (no homo) so it's quite surprising he hasn't gone on to do anything else.  Are the Entourage royalties that good?
• Kevin Connolly - Better known as E, Kevin has done a whole lot of nothing you have heard of.  He was in the recently cancelled CBS show, Friends With Better Lives, and a couple of movies no one has ever seen.  I still remember seeing him in The Beverly Hillbillies movie that came out before Entourage, so he has that going for him.
• Kevin Dillon - The younger brother of Matt Dillon, Kevin has actually been in a couple of movies I have heard of, and one of which I've seen.  Those being Hotel For Dogs and Poseidon.  I will never be caught dead watching the first one and the second sucked donkey balls.
• Jerry Ferrara - Oddly enough, Turtle has gotten the most work of any of his cast mates since Entourage started.  He's been a lot of crap, but he has been in a lot of stuff you have at least heard of like Eagle Eye, Battleship, Think Like A Man, Think Like A Man Too, Last Vegas, and Lone Survivor.  Too bad he will always be known as Turtle no matter how many crappy movies he makes.
• Jeremy Piven - You would think Ari Gold would be able to do what ever he wanted after winning three Emmys and a Golden Globe for his character on the show, but oddly enough he really hasn't.  He was in that terrible Smokin' Aces movie and had a small part in the underrated RocknRolla, other than that, he hasn't done anything of note in the past decade which is really sad, because I love Jeremy Piven (no homo).
• Rex Lee - LLOYD!!!! is actually the only person on this list who got a regular part on a TV show that lasted more than a few episodes.  He played the guidance counselor on Suburgatory.  It lasted for three seasons and started out kind of funny, but by the last season, it was really bad, but at least Rex got some work, right?
• Emmanuelle Chriqui - The only thing that the incredibly beautiful Sloan has been in that I have seen since she first appeared on Entourage was that piece of shit Adam Sandler movie, Don't Mess With The Zohan.  According to her IMDB page, she has done a lot since the show, but absolutely nothing that you or I have ever seen.  How is this possible?  She's so hot.  Look at her down there, how is that woman not in more stuff?  I am truly baffled.

So, what did we learn today?  After a successful TV show ends, the stars of that show either A) don't work on anything you will see again (unless they are Jennifer Aniston), or B) apparently live off some fat royalty checks.  Will the new Entourage movie make up for the last few awful seasons of the show?  I'm going with no.  Will I see it before it premieres on HBO?  Same answer.

"Seriously, look at her, how has she not gotten more work?"

Random Movie Trivia - Raiders of the Lost Ark Part 2

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Raiders of the Lost Ark Part 2

• Despite having the dream team of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg behind the film, it was initially turned down by every studio in Hollywood. Only after much persuasion did Paramount agree to do it.
• The spirit effects at the climax were achieved by shooting mannequins underwater in slow motion through a fuzzy lens to achieve an ethereal quality.
• The out-of-control airplane actually ran over Harrison Ford's knee, tearing his ligaments. Rather than submit to Tunisian health care, Ford had his knee wrapped in ice and carried on.
• Harrison Ford actually outran the boulder in the opening sequence. Because the scene was shot twice from five different angles, he had to outrun it ten times. Ford's stumble in the scene was deemed to look authentic and was left in.
• When Brody first goes to Indy's house to discuss the mission, Jones is dressed the way he is because he was entertaining a young woman in his bedroom. The script originally planned to show her before moving to the next scene to give Indy a more worldly persona (like James Bond). However, her appearance was cut out as Spielberg thought that being a playboy did not fit Indy's character.
• Many of the snakes in the Well of Souls are not snakes but legless lizards (look for the earholes, which snakes lack).
• Indiana Jones' name comes from the name of Marcia Lucas' (George Lucas' wife) dog and is a play on Steve McQueen's eponymous character name in Nevada Smith (1966). Indiana the dog, who was a Malamute, also served as the inspiration for Chewbacca in Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (1977).
• The Well of Souls sequence was filmed on the set of the Overlook Hotel from Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining."
• Body Count: 67 (including the monkey).

Stupid State Laws - Connecticut 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Devon, Connecticut

"It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset."

Ah, the ol' "You can't walk backwards after sunset" law......wait, what?!?  I can usually think of a really dumb reason for a law to exist, but for this one?  Nothing.  I've seriously got nothing.  There is not one feasible reason as to why this is a real law.  I mean, you could maybe argue that walking backwards at night could be dangerous, but seriously, how injured could someone get from walking?  Maybe if you ran backwards, you could fall and hurt yourself, but walking?  No way.  And now that I think about it, can you run backwards after sunset in Devon?  I would assume so because they didn't outlaw that.  Way to go, Connecticut, you can't even make a stupid law without actually solving the dumb problem.

"Rookie, I've got an idea."
"That's rare, Sarge."
"Shut up, smartass.  Let's follow this family until the sun sets and then bust them for walking backwards."
"You know what, that's not a bad idea."
"Really?  I mean, of course it is.  This will be fun, I love arresting kids."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Have you ever watched football and thought that some of the players' names are just ridiculous?  Well, so did Comedy Central's Key & Peele:

Summary:  My favorite one was "The Player Formerly Known as Mousecop", but the random white guy comes in a close second.

More Celebrity Heights

Awhile back I wrote a couple of posts about some celebrities and their surprising heights (click here or here).  Well, I found some more interesting ones, let's see what I got:

• Bruno Mars (5'5) - His real name is Peter Hernandez.  Where in the hell did this midget get the name Bruno Mars from?  Nothing in Peter Hernandez translates to Bruno or Mars.  Weird.
• Jada Pinkett Smith (4'11) - Better known as Will Smith's wife.  This little person has been in a couple things you might have seen like the two crappy Matrix sequels and, well, that's about it.  However, she will be in the new FOX TV show Gotham which is about Batman when he was a kid.  I'm pretty excited about it except for the fact that Bruce Wayne will only be a minor character and still a kid/not Batman.
• Elton John (5'3) - For a guy who plays the piano as his primary instrument, he sure did pump out some great hits, didn't he? 
• Sylvester Stallone (5'7) - Yup, one of Hollywood's "biggest" action stars is only a couple inches taller than the average woman.  It makes you wonder how often he was standing on a box in all of his movies.
• Kevin Hart (5'2) - I love this guy and he makes fun of his height more than anyone, which he should considering he is only 5'2.
• Dustin Hoffman (5'5) - This is surprising, but at the same time it isn't.  I guess it makes some sense considering he has really only done voice work for the Kung Fu Panda movies recently that way we won't notice how small he is in today's taller Hollywood.

"Will Smith married a little person, so cute."

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Will Ferrell

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Will Ferrell

Top 5

Allen Gamble, The Other Guys - I really liked this movie, I probably shouldn't have, but I really did.  The combo of Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg should not have worked, but somehow it did.
Chazz Michael Michaels, Blades of Glory - A highly underrated movie.  Will's take as a flamboyant ice skater was perfect and while Jon Heder isn't particularly funny, Will made up for it.
Buddy, Elf - Such a dumb movie, such a funny movie.  Two fun tidbits - it was directed by Iron Man director, Jon Favreau and Tyrion Lannister himself (Peter Dinklage) was in it.
Frank, Old School - This was the movie that you could say launched his career.  He had done other stuff up until this one, but this was the one I truly believe got everyone's attention.
Mugatu, Zoolander - Oddly enough, this might have been my favorite of Will's characters.  Maybe it was because I loved this movie, but more likely it was because he was so over-the-top and nailed this role.

Bottom 5

Ron Burgundy, Anchorman - Seriously, take out Steve Carrell's Brick and this movie would have been awful.  I thought Will's character was stupid and I will not apologize for it.
Dr. Rick Marshall, Land of Lost - What a piece of garbage.  Nothing about this thing was funny other than Danny McBride and even he couldn't save it.
Jack Wyatt, Bewitched - What made them think that Will Ferrell was the right fit for a romantic comedy?  Lots and lots of cocaine I assume.
Steve Butabi, A Night at the Roxbury - Of all of Will's great SNL characters, they picked this one!  Why?!?
Jackie Moon, Semi-Pro - I just don't see Will Ferrell as athletic and they tried to pass him off as a basketball player.  Nope.

"If this was in a movie, he definitely would have made the list."

Who Is This? Part 15

Sooooo, who is this?  I know you got this.  Nothing?  Really?  This one is really easy.  Just kidding, it might be the hardest one I have ever done, so I will give you a hint - that's not what he looks like today.  Did that do it?  NO?!?  Oh, that wasn't a good hint?  I guess you're right.  How about this hint - he's very energetic and loves to exercise.  Yup, that fat guy up there is none other than Richard "Jazz Hands" Simmons (that's his nickname, right?).  I know, when I stumbled across that picture, it blew my mind, too.  How is that even possible.  Look at him up there and then down below.  No resemblance whatsoever.

What has Richard been up to lately?  No idea, but I can only guess that if you pay him enough he will tell you anything you want to hear.

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - James Bond Edition

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• For some reason, I always want to say James Bonds even when I know that's incorrect.
• Was Pierce Brosnan a good Bond?  Or was the Goldeneye video game for the N64 so awesome it has blinded my generation from seeing how shitty he actually was?  I honestly don't know, that game was awesome and I'm biased.  Then again, Die Another Day was really really bad and that should pretty much conclude that he wasn't that good.
• You would think that a super spy would be in his late 20's or early 30's, aka his prime, and not a 40 year old or nearly 60 like Roger Moore was when he filmed his last movie.
• Just once I would love to see Q give Bond a gadget that didn't come in handy at just the right time.
• Moneypenny just isn't that hot, why does James try to bang her all the time?
• Sean Connery played Bond 7 times, but in a really weird order.  He did 5 movies, then George Lazenby did one, Connery did one more, then Roger Moore did 6, followed by another Connery movie, then Roger Moore did his last one.  Weird.
• If Skyfall is supposed to be a prequel to the rest of the movies, then either James Bond doesn't age or Q has a debilitating aging disease.
• For being a British spy, James Bond was played by one Scot (Connery), one Australian (Lazenby), one Welshman (Dalton), one Irishman (Brosnan), and finally two Brits (Moore and Craig).
• How many illegitimate children do you think Bond has?
• Timothy Dalton was highly underrated as Bond, it just sucks the movies he was in weren't very good.
• Considering Bond's notoriety, he seemed to be able to infiltrate every one of his villains' organizations way too easily.
• Was I the only one who was always super annoyed by almost getting to see some boobs in every movie?  Especially the opening credits.  What a tease!
• Have you ever noticed that James says his witty one-liners way too often when no one else is around?  What's the point if there is no one else to laugh along with him?
• Does Q hate Bond?  He always seem to hate to have to deal with him.
• How many years did Bond train on driving vehicles alone?  Because he seems at equally at home driving in cars, tanks, 18-wheelers, planes, helicopters, submarines, and space shuttles.
• Did any of the Bond villains' evil schemes actually make sense?
• And if you are Bond villain, you really should stop hiring henchmen who look like evil henchmen, it gives away that you are a villain way too quickly to everyone.
• What is the mortality rate of sleeping with Jimbo?  It's gotta be about 50% because it seems like one chick per movie dies after he bones them......and that doesn't include the multitude of STDs he gave the ones that didn't get murdered.

"Q at age 30?"

NOKW - Hook

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Hook

Basic Plot:  Peter Pan is old and he has to go back to Neverland and save his kids from Captain Hook.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Peter forgot that he was Peter Pan and more importantly that he could fly, there is no way you would ever forget that you could fly.  The fact that Tinkerbell might be the most evil person in Neverland considering she is the one who abducted all of the Lost Boys and now they have to fight to the death against pirates the rest of their lives.  The fact that this was one of Gwyneth Paltrow's first movies, she played young Wendy.  The fact that the Lost Boys are still alive considering that their diet consists of nothing but imaginary food that looks mostly like cake icing.  The fact that there appears to be only two women in all of Neverland (if you don't count the mermaids), Tinkerbell and some pirate floozy.  The fact that I know where the Lost Boys came from (abducted children apparently), but I don't know how the pirates came to be in Neverland.  The fact that Tinkerbell just didn't show Peter where he slept a lot sooner, that would have saved them a lot of time trying to get Peter to remember who he really was.  The fact that you never grow up in Neverland and yet they show a flashback scene where we see Peter grow from an infant to a kid.  The fact that I didn't know until I was older that Dustin Hoffman was Captain Hook.  The fact that a bunch of pirates would ever be defeated by a small band of kids.  The fact that Captain Hook should be fine at the end of the movie, he just jumped up into the mouth of a dead crocodile, no harm done.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that only Peter and his kids can fly.  Why can't the rest of the Lost Boys fly?  They all somehow got to Neverland, but once there only Peter seems to have the ability to fly.  Why?  Do the rest of the Lost Boys have no happy thoughts?  That's the only explanation I can think of and if that is the case, that's highly depressing but kind of makes sense.  These kids were abducted and now have to live in a world where they constantly battle pirates to the death.  I would find it difficult to be happy, too.  I guess this means that Peter is actually a murdering psychopath and enjoys murdering pirates and that is why he still has the ability to have happy thoughts which is extremely disturbing now that I think about it.  I am not okay with that.

"Yup, they were all abducted from their families and now live in a world were they murder pirates for a living."

Stupid State Laws - Colorado 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Denver, Colorado

"The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park."

Denver, are you stupid?  Considering that this is a Stupid State Law post, I just answered my own question.  Denver, you do realize that dogs can't read?  Because the way this law reads, it sounds like dog catchers have to notify the dog that they will be impounding via a posting.  Dogs.  Can't.  Read.  Period.  Then again, maybe now that weed is legal in Colorado, the lawmakers are so baked all the time that they just assume dogs can read now and made this thing.  I really have no other explanation for it.  Seriously Denver, get your shit together and lay off the wacky tobaccy before you start making your laws.

"That's right little buddy, the dog catcher didn't follow the law and you are set free.  Guess what rookie."
"What Sarge?"
"You just got a new dog!"

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  I was watching a Tosh.0 marathon the other day and decided to see if I could find a compilation of funny Tosh.0 videos and this is the one I picked.

Summary:  I picked this one because it had "ass" in the title.  That's all.

Movie Trailer Review - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

This is not a review of the trailer, but a review of this movie based entirely on this movie's trailer.  I have a special talent of being able to figure out whether a movie will be any good based just on the trailer and I'm finally putting that talent to good use.  Screw you, it's a real talent.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

It can't be good when the only person returning from the first movie is the guy who plays the main ape, Caesar (Andy Serkis who also played Gollum from the Lord of the Rings).  I saw the first movie and considering I can't even remember the name of it should tell you everything you need to know about it.

On to the trailer.  It looks dumb.  That's all.  Don't go see it.  In fact, I still don't see why this even got made.  Does anyone really care how the apes ended up in charge?  On top of that, humans have better weapons and definitely have a better understanding of battle tactics, so I still don't know how we lost.  Oh crap, I just gave you a reason to see this.  Disregard what I just said.

Estimated Opening Weekend Box Office Gross - $40 million

What Kind of Fart This Movie Will Resemble:

The Splatter Fart - Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

Today's Celebrity Birthdays - July 10th

I decided to start up a new post where I list the "celebrities" that were born on this day and then either praise them or mock them.  It will be fun, so let's do this:

• Sofia Vergara (42) - Sofia is the same age as Selma Blair which is kind of shocking because Selma looks at least 10 years younger.  However, that doesn't mean that Sofia is any less sexy.
• Jessica Simpson (34) - I still find it funny that the only reason any of us know who Jessica is is because of that reality show where we all learned she is really really dumb.  It just goes to prove that reality show "stars" are talentless and if they didn't get a show, no one would know who they are which should be the case anyways.
• Adrian Grenier (38) - After seeing his name pop up on this list, it has inspired me to write a post about the cast of Entourage and what they have gone on to do since that show ended.  Stay tuned.
• Chiwetel Ejiofor (37) - This guy with an unpronounceable name is the actor from 12 Years A Slave and got nominated for a Best Actor Oscar this year.  That's all I got.
• Urban Meyer (50) - Two-Time National Championship coach with the Florida Tim Tebows is only 50.  That's kind of shocking, it feels like that guy has been around forever.  Oh, and my Clemson Tigers beat his Ohio State Buckeyes in the Orange Bowl this year.  Suck it, Urban!
• Thomas Ian Nicholas (34) - You know this guy, right?  He was the one that had to bang Tara Reid in American Pie, but should be better remembered for his role in Rookie of the Year, one of the few movies where Gary Busey was convincingly not insane.
• Phyllis Smith (63) - You know her as Phyllis Vance from The Office and frankly, I was shocked to see that she was in her mid-60s.  She doesn't look a day over 55.
• Maria Julia Mantilla (30) - Who is she?  I have no idea.  I included her only so I could post that picture below.
• Nikola Tesla (Deceased) - Ah yes, the great and mighty Nikola Tesla.  Did you know that basically all of Thomas Edison's greatest inventions were stolen from this guy?  Yup, Edison was a fraud and he took credit for all of Tesla's work like microwaves, radio, primitive radar systems, and the way we use electricity today.  Seems like a raw deal for Tesla.

"I went with this picture instead of a picture of a fat Jessica Simpson.  I think I chose wisely."

Who Is This? Part 14

Alright, I know you got this one.  Who is it?  No idea you say?  You want a hint you say?  Fine.  He really like movies in one of his bigger roles.  That do it, jerk?  NO!?!  Damn it, I thought that hint would be enough.  Okay, here is another one.  In one of his bigger roles, he got sucked into a movie and played Jack Slater's sidekick while also trying to convince Jack Slater that he was actually a movie star.  Yup, that's Austin O'Brien from movies like Last Action Hero, The Lawnmower Man, The Lawnmower Man 2, and My Girl 2.

I can kind of see it, I guess the shorter hair threw you guys off, right?  So, what has he been doing recently?  According to his IMDB page, he still acts, but not anything since 2010.  However, it looks like he has a TV pilot in the works, so he has that going for him.

Sequels, Prequels, and More - Part 14

Another look at Hollywood's hilarious concept of upcoming movies, meaning that they have run out of ideas and they can only come up with another round of prequels, sequels, and remakes and nothing original.  In this case, we will be looking at all of the video games that are in production to become movies:

• Lobo - Who?  Exactly.  He is a Superman villain and if I didn't tell you that, you would be super confused right now, which begs the question - if you don't know who he is, why make a movie about him?  He's kind of cool, but not cool enough to have his own movie.  I did read that in a DC-Marvel crossover comic book series, Lobo was pitted against Wolverine, so if they he shows up in this movie, then maybe it will be worth making.  Maybe.
• Sonic the Hedgehog - You mean Sega's answer to Nintendo's Mario is getting his own movie?  Unless this is a cartoon movie, there is no way it will be any good.....just like that Mario Bros. movie.
• Sherlock Holmes 3 - Apparently it is rumored that Rachel McAdams's character will be back.  Umm, isn't she dead?  Then again, they didn't actually show that she was dead, just hinted at.  Either way, I'm in.
• Jack Reacher 2 - Did anybody actually see the first Jack Reacher?
• Salt 2 - Ugh.  I watched the first Salt once and was so confused by the end of it that vowed if they ever made another one, I would never watch it, even on TNT.  Okay, that's not true, but before you know, I vow to never see this movie, even on TNT.
• X-Men: Apocalypse - Channing Tatum as Gambit.  Quicksilver (the best part of Days of Future Past) is back.  Plus all of our other favorite characters against the most powerful mutant in the Marvel universe.  Yes, please.
• Sandman - Joseph Gordon-Levitt is attached to this comic book character that isn't the guy from that crappy Spider-Man 3 movie.  That's already confusing.  I'm out.
• Flash/Green Lantern - This is marked as Green Lantern 2 on IMDB but I read that the Flash will be in it.  If Ryan Reynolds and space chickens are involved, I can already predict it will be a bomb.
• Wolfenstein - Yup, they are making a movie based on the video game.  I saw Doom and that movie was basically the same game but with demons instead of Nazis.  There is no way this turns out well.
• Shazam - A kid who can become a superhero by saying "Shazam!".  That is not a movie about that kid, it's about the wizard named Shazam who allows that kid to become a superhero.  At least that's what I'm assuming because otherwise this movie would be called Captain Marvel.  In any case, nope.

"There is no way to make a movie where Mecha Hitler exists, but if they don't include Mecha Hitler, this movie will suck.  That's a hell of a catch-22."

Random Movie Trivia - Raiders of the Lost Ark Part 1

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Raiders of the Lost Ark

• The famous scene in which Indy shoots a marauding and flamboyant swordsman was not in the original script. Harrison Ford was supposed to use his whip to get the swords out of his attacker's hands, but the food poisoning he and the rest of the crew had gotten made him too sick to perform the stunt. After several unsuccessful tries, Ford suggested "shooting the sucker." Steven Spielberg immediately took up the idea and the scene was successfully filmed.
• Jeff Bridges turned down the role of Indiana Jones.  Actors considered for the role of Indiana Jones included Nick Nolte, Steve Martin (who chose to do Pennies from Heaven (1981) instead), Bill Murray (who dropped out due to scheduling conflicts with Saturday Night Live (1975)), Chevy Chase, Tim Matheson, Nick Mancuso, Peter Coyote, Sam Neill, and Jack Nicholson. Harrison Ford was cast less than three weeks before principal photography began.
• During the scene where Indiana threatens Nazis with bazooka, you can clearly see a fly creeping into the mouth of Paul Freeman. Contrary to popular belief, he does not swallow it.
• During filming in Tunisia, nearly everyone in the cast and crew got sick, except director Steven Spielberg. It is thought that he avoided illness by eating only the food he'd brought with him: cans and cans of Spaghetti-O's.
• The original name of the lead character in the script was Indiana Smith. His name was changed to Jones on the first day of production.
• The film was originally given an R-rating because of the exploding head at the end. They didn't want the picture to be rated R, so they added layers of fire in front of his face to make it appear less graphic.
• Renowned British wrestler Pat Roach gets killed twice in this film - once as a giant Sherpa left in the burning Nepalese bar and once as the German mechanic chewed up by the plane's propeller.
• The out-of-control airplane actually ran over Harrison Ford's knee, tearing his ligaments. Rather than submit to Tunisian health care, Ford had his knee wrapped in ice and carried on.
• Alfred Molina's screen debut. His first scene on his first day of filming involved being covered with tarantulas.
• In a deleted scene, where the character of Sallah is confronted by a Nazi soldier, John Rhys-Davies who was suffering from cholera at the time was required to bend down. Unfortunately this prompted the very sick Rhys-Davies to soil himself.
• There was a lot of good stuff for this movie, so it will be continued.....

"I really want to know if he would have lost the mustache for the part."

Stupid State Laws - California 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

California

"No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles."

I guess the big question is - how exactly does a vehicle exceed 60 miles per hour without a driver?  The answer, I honestly don't know.  If I had to take a stab at how this law came into existence, some lame lawmaker was at Disneyland and got too scared on how fast his ride was on Space Mountain and came up with a brilliant idea on how to slow it down so that he could ride it and no longer be such a wuss.  Seriously, how often do you see a 'vehicle' go 60 miles per hour without a driver?  Never.  This law really is stupid.  What the fuck, California?  Where did you come up with this one because I really am stumped other than my Space Mountain scenario.

"Well rookie, it looks good to me, this vehicle went 88 miles per hour, but it did have a driver."
"But Sarge, the driver was a dog, that can't be legal."
"Damn it rookie, don't you know anything!  The law says 'driver' and that dog is clearly driving, there is nothing wrong with that."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Two more Randy Moller funny goal videos!

Summary:  Awesome!

Happy 4th of July

Whoops, how did that get on there?  Let's try that again:

Happy 4th of July!  America!

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Bill Murray

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Bill Murray

Top 10

Phil Conners, Groundhog Day - One of the greatest comedies ever made and Bill was beyond awesome in this role.  Do I really need to say more?
Dr. Peter Vankman, Ghostbusters - You knew this character was going to be special from the first time we met him when he was electrocuting a young guy while hitting on a young woman.  From there it only got better.
Carl Spackler, Caddyshack - I don't know a single golfer who hasn't quoted Carl Spackler at least once while out on the links.
Ernie McCracken, Kingpin - One of many of Bill's highly underrated performances.  A fun bit of trivia, Bill actually got a strike on the last ball he rolled in the final match and the crowd's reaction was quite genuine.
Bob Wiley, What About Bob? - A very obscure movie, but a highly entertaining one.  Bill played Bob, a crazy person who crashed his therapist's vacation and through his wackiness got into all sorts of fun trouble.  If you haven't seen this movie I suggest you check it out.
Frank Cross, Scrooged - I don't understand how this movie isn't brought up more in the discussion of Best Christmas Movies Ever.  Seriously, it was incredible.
Himself, Zombieland - I'm terrified of zombies (mostly because of all the fictional monsters, I feel that they are the most likely to actually happen), but Bill's small part in this movie as he turns into the undead was perfect.
Bob Harris, Lost in Translation - Somehow, Bill has only been nominated for an Oscar once in his career and it was for this role.  While I thought this movie was a little boring, Bill did an amazing job.
Herman Blume, Rushmore - This was one of many roles Bill took in a Wes Anderson movie and it was my favorite of his roles, so I had to put it on this list.
Wallace Ritchie, The Man Who Knew Too Little - This movie is highly underrated.  It is funny from beginning to end as Bill plays an American schlub who accidentally becomes a secret agent and bumbles his way into saving the day.  Watch this movie now.  Do it.

Bottom 5

None.  Bill Murray is so awesome that I refuse to make fun of any of his roles.

Funniest James Bond Movie Women's Characters' Names

That title is kind of oddly worded, isn't it?  I really couldn't think of a better way to phrase it.  Oh well.  In any case, I stumbled upon a really great podcast recently called James Bonding.  On it, two comedians, Matt Mira and Matt Gourley, bring on guests each episode and discuss one of the numerous James Bond movies.  It's really funny and it made me go back and watch some of the earlier James Bond movies myself.  While watching said movies, it really made me laugh whenever they introduced some of the women in the movies because they really did have the dumbest names ever.  Pretty much all of them could be a character in a James Bond movie or a pornstar's name.  So, I decided to take it upon myself to look through all of these movies and make a list of the Top 10 funniest ones.  Let's see what I came up with:

• 10) Jenny Flex (A View to a Kill) - Let's start out with an easy one.  Flex?  Really, what does that imply, Mr. Bond?  Boning.
• 9) Strawberry Fields (Quantum of Solace) - She was the agent who met Bond in Bolivia and who ended up boning him within an hour of meeting Jimbo.  While they never said her first name in the movie, she is credited as Strawberry Fields on IMDB.  Get it, Strawberry Fields?  If not, it's a Beatles song.
• 8) Honey Ryder (Dr. No) - The very first Bond girl and after doing a quick Google search, I was surprised that there isn't a pornstar with the same name.  I guess it's copyrighted.
• 7) Jinx Johnson (Die Another Day) - Hally Berry played this Bond girl that sounds more like a comic book character that Stan Lee came up with than a Bond Girl.  The good news is that she looked great in that bikini of hers.  The bad news is that this was the worst Bond movie ever.  Seriously, I don't think Pierce Bronson had a real line of dialogue other than witty one-liners.  It was sad.
• 6) Penelope Smallbone (Octopussy) - Does this mean that I think it means?  I guess Bond's manliness is actually making up for something.
• 5) Plenty O'Toole (Diamonds Are Forever) - I watched this movie recently and Plenty O'Toole might be the most annoying Bond girl to date.  And that includes Denise Richards playing a nuclear physicist.
• 4) Octopussy (Octopussy) - While funny, I'm still not sure that it should top the next three on this list.
• 3) Xenia Onatopp (Goldeneye) - Oh Famke Janssen, you were so hot in your prime.  Sadly, she has to cake on the makeup nowadays, but back then, yum.  Also, did anyone ever play as her in the Goldeneye game?  I know I didn't.  I always played as Boris, I loved his Hawaiian shirt.
• 2) Pussy Galore (Goldfinger) - Oh come on, this one isn't even trying.  That is clearly a pornstar name, but no, James Bond character.  No way a movie could get away with that name today.
• 1) Dr. Holly Goodhead (Moonraker) - And here is the name that made me write this post.  Goodhead?  Really?  You know this name was written into the script just because of the endless one-liners you could make from it.  Wow.  Just wow.
• Bonus) Mrs. Moneypenny (All of Them) - She may not sound like a pornstar, but it is still a ridiculous name.  Also, Bond flirts heavily with her in every movie, but the actresses who played the character were never all that hot.  Does this imply that Bond has poor taste?  No, because he boned a lot of hot ladies.  I guess this just means that Bond was a sex addict, which isn't all that surprising when you think about it.

Brainfart's Crush of the Month - July

At the beginning of every month, we here at Brainfart will be bringing you our Brainfart Crush of the Month!  Sometimes it will be someone you have heard of, sometimes it will be just a random hottie you may have seen before, and sometimes it might be my neighbor.  Who knows!  Let's see who we picked this month:

This is Gal Gadot.  You may know her from her role as Gisele in the Fast and Furious franchise.  After watching (and oddly enjoying) Fast and Furious 6, I became infatuated with her.  Just look at her up there, she is drop dead gorgeous.  Up next, she has been cast as Wonder Woman for the Batman v. Superman movie as well as her own stand-alone movie and the Justice League movie.  For once, I actually agree with one of Christopher Nolan's female casting choices.  Congrats Gal on this huge honor.