The Reverse Sling-Shot

A couple of months ago, I wrote about certain Rules of the Road everyone should follow.  If you read that post (and if you didn't, go ahead and do so, I can wait), then you need to look at Rule 5 again because I figured out a way to easily get around those drivers.  In case you are too lazy to read it, Rule 5 states "Do Not Accelerate if Someone is Trying to Pass You".  If you drive regularly on the Interstate, this probably happens all the time.  You are happily driving along at a set speed when you come upon a lone car.  As soon as you try to pass the only other driver on the road, that jerk suddenly speeds up and either matches your speed or goes slightly faster only to slow down and then repeat the process over and over until you want to hit him and rid the world of that driver's stupidity.  Usually this idiot is either on their cell phone or talking to someone else in the car (or a woman) and because they are not paying attention to the road, they subconsciously speed up or slow down as you try to pass them.  Well, there is good news, I found a solution in order to get past this blowhard with minimal effort.

The usual way most people try to accomplish passing one of these stupid drivers is by going 20 to 30 miles per hour over the speed limit until the idiot realizes how fast they are going and slows down.  However, there is a much easier way that won't result in a possible speeding ticket - it's what I call The Reverse Sling-Shot.  As soon as you have identified that the car you are trying to pass is one of these incompetent drivers, follow these steps:

1. Don't speed up, slow down.
2. Now, since we know the other idiot driver is going to slow down with you, you wait until they get about parallel with your car, then you hit the accelerator.
3. Because the other driver is not actually paying attention to what they are doing, their momentum will be going in the wrong direction and you should very easily be able to blow right past them.
4. Once you have passed them, they will resume the speed their going before you tried to pass them in the first place.

I'm telling you, this method works like a charm and has been scientifically proven.  Well, maybe not by a real scientist and maybe not in a lab, but every time I come upon this situation, it does the trick and that is all the science I need.

"And if that doesn't work, I suggest you just go ahead and do this.  It will definitely make you feel better."

Weekly Picks of the Week - Championship Week

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on BCS Standings
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

Louisville Cardinals @ Rutgers Scarlet Knights (-3)

Thursday 7:30
ESPN

#16 UCLA Bruins (+8.5) @ #8 Stanford Cardinal

PAC-12 Championship
Friday 8:00
FOX

#2 Alabama Crimson Tide v. #3 Georgia Bulldogs (+7)

SEC Championship
Georgia Dome (Atlanta, GA)
4:00
CBS

#13 Florida State Seminoles (-14) v. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

ACC Championship
Bank of America Stadium (Charlotte, NC)
8:00
ESPN

#18 Texas Longhorns (+11.5) @ #6 Kansas State Wildcats

8:00
ABC

#12 Nebraska Cornhuskers (-3) v. Wisconsin Badgers

Big 10 Championship
Lucas Oil Stadium (Indianapolis, IN)
8:00
FOX

-I was hoping to talk about how overrated the SEC is this week, but unfortunately Florida State and Clemson shit the bed against their SEC rivals.  However, I will at least talk about the SEC's cheap scheduling tactics.  South Carolina beat Clemson for the fourth straight year which is the longest such streak since the 50's and yet Clemson has still won 10 of the last 16 match-ups against the Gamecocks.  So, what changed in the past four years that suddenly made this rivalry swing in the Gamecock's favor?  In each of the past four seasons, South Carolina has scheduled a Division 1-AA opponent the week prior to the Clemson game allowing their team to rest key players and be refreshed for the big rivalry game.  In other words, there is a direct correlation between the Gamecock's recent scheduling and their four game win streak and that correlation is that they have to play a patsy the week before playing Clemson in order to win.  Some might say that what they are doing is smart scheduling, but I (as a bitter Clemson fan) say that they were so tired of getting beat all the time that they had to figure out a cheap way to finally beat the Tigers.  On top of that, the rest of the SEC is and has been doing the same thing for years.  For example, two weeks ago, seven SEC teams scheduled a cupcake the second to last week of the season and all seven teams won this week (except Kentucky, but that doesn't count).  Coincidence?  No.  Smart scheduling?  No.  Gay?  Absolutely.  The funny thing is that Clemson finally figured this out and they will be playing The Citadel the week before the South Carolina game next season which will finally put the two teams on equal footing going into the big rivalry game for the first time in five years.  (And I guess I should at least mention that I thought South Carolina was the better team this year and they deserved the win, but it at least makes me feel better to think that they cheated somehow in order to beat Clemson.)

-Also, I had another winning week by finishing 5-4 and it would have been even better if the SEC hadn't been using their cheap scheduling.  In any case, expect another winning week or your money back.

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend Said:

(You probably can't see it, but it's the yellow on the left that says "Mom The Meatloaf".  I always love a good Old School reference.)

Last Week's Results: 4-3
Season Results: 47-34

Technically Not For Techies

As technology changes every day, we get further and further away from what was originally considered technologically-savvy items.  Calculators and cameras are out and tablets and smartphones are in.  The discrepancy between what is "techie" is made much more obvious this time of year when everyone under the sun publishes gift guides for techies (like we don't know).

Take this list for example.  Three speakers, a doorbell ipod combination (what!?!?), a pedometer, and a backpack.  Take out the doorbell thing, which I both want and think is the biggest waste of $50 ever, and this list would have been considered to be in the technological realm in 1876.  Seriously.  The first speaker was invented in 1876 by Alexander Graham Bell as part of his telephone and in the next 100+ years we have improved this by.......getting rid of wires and making them louder.  Not good enough to stay categorized as technology.  Also the pedometer was invented over 200 years ago - who knew?

There is a separate category for 90% of all gifts classified as "tech" - Electronics.  Unless it does something way cool or interesting we should no longer allow Technology gift lists to include earphones, speakers, TVs, computers, cameras, and watches.  DO some work, list people - there is cool crap out there.  Tech gifts should all be stuff that a 30 year old sees and thinks, "That's pretty neat" and not "I already have three of those that are basically the same thing" or "No one wants that...Ever".

"The next big thing in tech gifts."

The Matrix v. The Walking Dead

A couple of Mondays ago, I was randomly watching G4's nightly broadcast of Attack The Show! (it was on before four straight episodes of Lost) and someone had asked the show's hosts an interesting question - Would you rather live in the real world in The Matrix or in The Walking Dead world?  And because I liked this question so much, I decided to answer it for them.  Let's do this:

The Matrix

It depends on when you would be living in this world.  Is it directly after the end of the third movie?  Or is it a couple of generations after the third movie?  Let's say you were one of the survivors of that big battle in the third movie and you now have a truce with the machines.  That would mean that you would probably still be living underground with no fresh air and living off of some sort of paste-looking food.  This would obviously suck, but at least you will not be worried about being killed everyday by flying murder machines.  But over time, the humans would eventually move above ground and finally have some fresh air to look forward to, however, you will then be living in a world that has been destroyed by war and neglect.  On top of that, the sky has been "scorched" and if that problem could have been solved, it probably would have been fixed by the machines by now, so obviously you will never see the sun again.  So, as you can see, I really don't think it would matter when you lived in this world, both would suck in their own way.  The upside to living in The Matrix universe is that you would have some pretty cool technology at your disposal like those physics-defying ships and you could always just plug into The Matrix if you wanted to fly around or bang supermodels.  Also, you would not have zombies and those damned machines coming after you at all times of the day, but who is to say that the machines would continue the truce when they eventually need humans to power themselves again.

The Walking Dead

Zombies bite.  And that has a double meaning.  If you lived in The Walking Dead universe, you would never be safe because you are either being stalked by brain-eating zombies or some jerk-off humans trying to steal your resources.  Another downside is that you are reduced to walking everywhere or riding horses because while there are cars, it is kind of like living in the Mad Max world when it comes to gasoline and it is extremely tough to come by.  However, there are a couple of upsides, the first being that you can bask in the sunshine everyday if you felt like it.  Another upside that is kind of dark is that you get to kill zombies.  Basically, if you have somehow survived the initial zombie apocalypse, you would then be living in a video game and get to shoot zombies in the head whenever they attack.  That may be somewhat disturbing, but it is also something any video game lover has always wanted to do and living in The Walking Dead universe would finally afford you that opportunity.

Conclusion

At first, I thought this was going to be a landslide in favor of The Walking Dead, but now that I think about it, I'm not so sure.  Basically, would you rather live in a shitty world where the sky is permanently fucked up but you wouldn't have to worry about being killed by robots all the time?  Or would you rather live in a world as normal as it is going to get but constantly looking over your shoulder for flesh-eating zombies?  It truly might be a toss-up, but I'm going with The Walking Dead because of the sunshine and because it is perfectly normal behavior to blow off a dead guy's head.

"Yeah, you wouldn't have to worry about the machines anymore, but this is what you would have to look forward to....forever!"

NOKW - Hot Tub Time Machine

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Hot Tub Time Machine

Basic Plot:  A group of friends go to a crappy ski town for some time off and magically travel back in time to 1986 where the hi-jinx ensue.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that the main characters would even hang out with Lou because he is a huge dick and might be the worst friend anyone could have.  The fact that Clark Duke's character is John Cusack's character's nephew but for some reason he lives in John Cusack's basement even though we know that Clark Duke's mom is alive and well.  The fact that a Russian energy drink is the key to making the time machine work.  The fact that I'm pretty sure that Chevy Chase is the one running around in the bear costume and no one else figures this out.  The fact that when Lou stays behind in the past and doesn't travel back to the future with everybody else, the entire course of history does not change other than he is now the founder of Google (now called Lougle).  The fact that when everybody but Lou shows up in the future, all of their friends and loved ones are cool with it even though every memory that they have does not match up with the current timeline and in essence, they are not the people that the future people know at all.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that only the main characters are supposed to travel back in time while in the hot tub but somehow their clothes and skis travel back in time with them.  Basically, they travel back in time due to the hot tub and when they wake up the next morning, they get dressed in the clothes and use the skis/snowboard that they brought with them.  But how?  If only the stuff in the hot tub traveled back in time, how is it possible that their clothes and skis traveled back in time with them?  We know those things weren't in the hot tub with them because they wake up in their underwear the next morning.  They were not in the clothes they brought with them and certainly they were not wearing their ski equipment, so how did that stuff show up in the past, too?  Obviously the answer is so that our time-traveling pals don't figure out that they traveled back in time until later in the day, but even then you would think that they would have noticed all of the 80's stuff way earlier then they did.  I am not okay with that.

"This Lyndsy Fonseca, she played the hot chick who stabbed John Cusack in the eye with a fork.  Did you know that she is also the girl who plays Ted's daughter in How I Met Your Mother?" 

Stupid State Laws - Louisiana

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Louisiana

"It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol."

I actually chuckled when I saw this insanely stupid law.  The first thing that jumped out at me about this ridiculousness was that this law makes it seem like it is perfectly legal to just straight-up rob a bank with a water pistol as long as you don't shoot the bank teller with it.  Since there is probably no other legislation about water pistol-related bank robberies in that state, then for all means head to Louisiana with your Super Soaker and get your bank robbing on, it is apparently legal.  But what makes even less sense is that you know someone actually committed this crime and that some lawmaker actually had to add the "shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol" part of this law because for some reason they thought that that part was actually necessary.

"It is probably perfectly legal to rob a bank with a Batman water pistol though."

The Running of the Shoppers

I have an idea.  An idea for a race.  But first, two background points:

One - There are a lot of new-fangled races these days with mud and obstacles for people looking to spice up their workouts.  Makes a lot of sense considering how boring running is.  Those crazy race ideas are now making a fortune.  The Spartan Race alone is forecasting $35 million in sales this year!  With that kind of money there have to be other ideas out there for a different sort of race.
Two - There are tons of people who know how much they are going to indulge on Thanksgiving and to counteract that they do some sort of turkey run during the Thanksgiving holidays.  These runs have become more and more popular in recent years and there is one held in most cities in America.

Now, to the idea - combining adventure and the holidays to produce...... The Running of the Shoppers!  This run would be around the main shopping district of your city and would always fall on Black Friday.  After the start, runners would have to run to a designated store where they would have to navigate the crowds of crazed deal-seekers to get to the very back of the store where they would take a token of some kind to prove they completed that store.  The runners would then have to re-fight the same shoppers to get out of the store and run to the next one.  That would go on for however long, probably around 3 or 4 miles.

Positives:
- People who hate shopping can bowl over the insane people and actually get rewarded for it!
- People will pay to do dumb/crazy stuff so you get some money
- When shoppers see the runners coming though their stores, there will be incidents and people talking about it which means free advertising for next year
- Giving poor guys dragged along to shop at 5 in the morning something to laugh at

Negatives:
- Haven't thought of any - pretty sure this is a fool-proof idea

"This would be a distracting."

Some Random Movie Trivia

I figured that because I love random movie trivia so much that I would share some random tidbits I learned about a random movie with you guys.  Who knows, maybe this will turn into a new weekly thing.  Whether it does or doesn't, here is some random movie trivia:

Batman Begins

• David Boreanaz was the original choice to play Batman and if you are thinking "Who in the hell is David Boreanaz?", then you are not alone.  It turns out that he is the other main character on Bones and played Angel on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I'm going to say that Christopher Nolan made the better choice in the end.
• Other actors who auditioned for the part of Batman included Joshua Jackson (the guy on Fringe), Eion Bailey (I have no idea who this is), Hugh Dancy (based on that name, I assume he is an effeminate Brit), Billy Crudup (that guy from Almost Famous and Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen), Cillian Murphy (he played Scarecrow in this movie), Henry Cavill (the current Superman), and Jake Gyllenhaal (in my opinion, his sister is the only reason that The Dark Knight didn't win an Oscar).  Also, Keanu Reeves expressed interest in the part of Batman but instead went on to reprise his role as Neo in the 2nd and 3rd movies of The Matrix trilogy and the studio pushed hard to have Ashton Kutcher as Bruce Wayne but Nolan quickly shot that down.
• Because Christopher Nolan was so fascinated with Cillian Murphy's blue eyes, he cast him as the Scarecrow and kept making up reasons for his character to take off his glasses.  Also, did you know that Cillian Murphy is Irish?  I never would have guessed that.
• The character of Rachel Dawes (played by Katie Holmes) was not any in of the comic books and was created by Christopher Nolan and the screenwriter.  Katie Holmes is also one of two of Tom Cruise's wives to be in a Batman movie, the other was Nicole Kidman who was in Batman Forever.
• Christian Bale was considered for the role of Robin in Batman Forever.  I'm fairly sure that even he couldn't have made that movie better.
• Viggo Mortensen (aka Aragorn from Lord of the Rings) turned down the role of Ra's Al Ghul.  As much as I like Liam Neeson, I think Viggo would have given him a run for his money in this role.
• When the movie was released, Forbes Magazine did a breakdown of how much it would actually cost to be Batman and they estimated it would cost around $3.5 million.  This once again proves my theory that it shouldn't be that hard to figure out Batman's real identity when only a handful of people in Gotham City could even afford it.
• While filming on the streets of Chicago, a drunk driver crashed into The Tumbler because in his drunken stupor, he claimed he thought the vehicle was an "invading alien spacecraft".
• The kid that stumbles upon Batman on a fire escape and is given a pair of night vision specs by Batman is an actor named Jack Gleeson, also known as Joffrey Baratheon from Game of Thrones.
• Christopher Nolan invited the crew to his house before filming began and showed the movie Blade Runner and told everyone that he wanted to make Batman Begins like that movie.  Also, the actor who plays the head of Wayne Enterprises is Rutger Hauer, aka Roy Batty, the main replicant that Harrison Ford is hunting in Blade Runner.
• The mansion used as Wayne Manor was the the same house that was used in The Mummy Returns.

"I guess if I was really bombed I might think this was an alien spacecraft, but I'm talking 'double vision, can't stand up straight' drunk."

Weekly Picks of the Week - Rivalry Week

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on BCS Standings
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

#19 Michigan Wolverines @ Ohio State Buckeyes (-3.5)

12:00
ABC

#5 Oregon Ducks (-9.5) @ #15 Oregon State Beavers
The Civil War

3:00
PAC-12 Network

#4 Florida Gators @ #10 Florida State Seminoles (-8)

3:30
ABC

#21 Oklahoma State Cowboys (+7) @ #13 Oklahoma Sooners
The Bedlam Series

3:30
ESPN

#8 Stanford Cardinal @ #17 UCLA Bruins (+2)

6:30
FOX

#12 South Carolina Gamecocks @ #11 Clemson Tigers (-4)

The Battle of the Palmetto State
7:00
ESPN

#1 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-6) @ USC Trojans
The Jeweled Shillelagh

8:00
ABC

-Because I couldn't (didn't want to) pick every rivalry game this week, I wanted to at least list the rest of the big rivalry games this weekend and I included that game's goofy nickname (if I missed any, it was because I probably didn't even know those schools were even rivals, you know, like how I didn't know Missouri and Kansas were rivals until they both had really good seasons a couple of years ago):

• The Apple Cup - Washington (7-4) @ Washington State (2-9)
• Duel in the Desert - Arizona State (6-5) @ Arizona (7-4)
• Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate - Georgia Tech (6-5) @ Georgia (10-1)
• The Commonwealth Cup - Virginia (4-7) @ Virginia Tech (5-6)
• The Iron Bowl - Auburn (3-8) @ Alabama (10-1)
• The Egg Bowl - Mississippi State (8-3) @ Mississippi (5-6)

-Another weekend of college football and another winning week from yours truly.  I'm either really good at this or I'm getting really lucky.  Then again, if I was so lucky then Clemson would have covered in a game in which they scored 62 points.  Either way, winning is the name of the game and winning is what I do, so expect another undefeated week or your money back.

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend Said:

(Hahaha!!!  Easily the funniest sign of the year.  It's like they ironically saw into the future.)

Last Week's Results: 4-2
Season Results: 43-31

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 12

HOLIDAY EDITION - where I pick all the games with no analysis.  Hey, it has to be better than what I have been doing!

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Houston Texans at Detroit Lions (+3.5)

Washington Redskins (+3) at Dallas Cowboys

New England Patriots (-7) at New York Jets

Oakland Raiders (+8) at Cincinnati Bengals

Buffalo Bills (+3) at Indianapolis Colts

Denver Broncos (-10.5) at Kansas City Chiefs

Tennessee Titans (-3) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+1)

Seattle Seahawks at Miami Dolphins (+3)

Baltimore Ravens (-1) at Sand Diego Chargers

Saint Louis Rams (+2.5) at Arizona Cardinals

Green Bay Packers (+3) at New York Giants

Last Week's Results: 2-2-0
Season Results: 20-24-1

Red Dawn

If you didn't know, a re-make of the great 80's flick Red Dawn comes out tomorrow.  And if you are anything like me, you probably have zero interest in seeing a re-make of a movie that had such a ridiculous premise to begin with.  But that's not the point.  If you have never seen Red Dawn, then the basic plot is about the Russians successfully invading America and a group of teenagers hiding in the woods, revolting, killing some Russians, getting killed themselves, and all while yelling "Wolverines".  In the re-make, I'm assuming the plot is the same except it is the North Koreans who invade (it was supposed to be China but they changed it b/c the studios didn't want to offend such a large movie-going market. Seriously) and instead of Patrick Swayze and a young, not crazy Charlie Sheen, it stars the guy who played Thor, the guy who played Peeta from The Hunger Games, and a couple of token hotties.  Well, in a recent trailer I watched for the re-make, they show a scene where one of the stars of the movie, played by Chris Hemsworth (aka Thor and the only main actor in this movie born before the release of the original), says "For them this is just some place.  For us, this is our home".  Does anybody else find this unsettling?  If you don't, then you should know that Chris Hemsworth is Australian, so when he is referring to America as his "home", I find it disturbing because Hollywood has no worthy young American actors that can play the role of badass and they had to outsource the part to an Australian.  I know I have talked about the lack of American Action Stars before, but do you know why America has no young actors who can play a badass?  The answer - Tween girls.

Because of tween girls, Hollywood hires nothing but young, pretty-boy actors to star in all of their stupid vampire movies that the new crop of young actors are more likely to break a nail than kill a bad guy if they were holding a gun.  And because Hollywood only hires pretty boys, it seems as if the rest of America no longer cares to produce young actors who will grow up to be the next Bruce Willis or even the next Matt Damon.  Think about it.  Who are currently the top American actors under 30?  When I did a little research, I compiled a list and it wasn't pretty (well, technically it was).

• Zac Efron - three words.  High.  School.  Musical.
• Shia LeBouef - sure, he was in a couple action movies, but he was running for his life the whole time in each flick.
• Taylor Lautner - one word.  Twilight.
• Josh Hutcherson - too short (5'5), his ceiling is Tom Cruise and that's not saying much.
• Jesse Eisenberg - I actually like this guy, but he has a zero percent chance of becoming an action star.

What do all of those guys on that list have in common?  They are all pansies.  Otherwise, all of the rest of the top actors under 30 are either British or Australian.  So, because tween girls crave skinny pretty boys and Hollywood has no problem giving that to them, those dumb teenagers are directly causing the wussification of America.  And because America can't produce any young worthy action stars, Hollywood has to outsource all of those roles to foreigners.  Thanks a lot, Tweeners, you are killing the future of the American Badass.

"This is Adrianne Palicki, she is in the re-make and she is American.  USA!  USA!  USA!"

NOKW - Matrix 3

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Matrix Revelations

Basic Plot:  The final and dumbest chapter in The Matrix Trilogy and surprise, Neo somehow saves the humans from annihilation at the tentacles(?) of the machines.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that despite not being hooked into The Matrix when Neo passes out after destroying those killer flying robots with his mind at the end of the second movie, he is somehow trapped in a computer program at the beginning of the third movie.  The fact that Neo isn't able to defeat that punk-ass conductor guy, but is able to make machines explode in the real world.  The fact that Agent Smith is able to transfer his consciousness into a human mind and make his way out of The Matrix.  The fact that Carrie-Anne Moss is a "meh" at best.  The fact that the humans are able to survive without sunlight and a diet that consists of a paste-like substance that probably has no nutritional value.  The fact that when Neo is blinded, he sees the real world as if it were The Matrix code even though it is not a computer program....or is it?  The fact that people can watch Matrix code and somehow that translates into images for them.  The fact that the humans use geothermal energy to power Zion and the machines thought it would make more sense to harvest inefficient human energy opposed to also harvesting the way more efficient geothermal energy.  The fact that Agent Smith converts everyone in The Matrix into himself by the end of this movie, but the good guys don't ever see him or any of his clones again while in The Matrix from halfway through the 2nd movie until the final fight.  The fact that Neo is able to make robots explode with this mind in the real world, but doesn't bother to try something like that when fighting Agent Smith in The Matrix at the end of the movie.  The fact that I know Keanu Reeves is a terrible actor, but he still has a pretty good acting resume and I actually enjoy his films.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the machines weren't able to find the humans way earlier than they did.  Seriously, we know that the machines literally have hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of those flying killer robots that do nothing but search for humans and it still took them years to find the human city of Zion   What the hell were those robots doing this whole time?  Socializing?  No, they're fucking robots, they don't chit-chat about the weather, all they do is follow their programming and that programming is to find and kill all humans (Bender Shout-Out).  If the machines have that many flying killer robots, you would think their robot brains would have made an efficient search and destroy plan and disperse their flying killer robots accordingly.  But no, it took them way too long to find Zion and that is unacceptable to me.  Sure, the humans had scouts that would destroy any killer flying robots that got near Zion, but with that many killer flying robots disappearing in the same spot, it should have tipped off the machines that they were getting close and sent in way more flying killer robots to that area.  Machines are supposed to be soulless, logical, human-killing entities, but they somehow couldn't find the humans in a way shorter period of time.  I am not okay with that.

"Those things that are being shot at are literally thousands of flying killer robots, why couldn't they have used those to find the humans, it would have taken way shorter."

Stupid State Laws - Kansas

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Kansas

"If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed."

But that would be.....wait, what?!?  First off, I'm fairly certain that is logically impossible.  How can one train pass another if both are not allowed to move until the other one has passed?  In fact, I would love to see this situation arise just so both conductors sit there until one or the other gets the balls to break the law and pass the other one.  How is it possible for trains to get anywhere in Kansas if they all have to stop the instant they get near another train and can't pass each other according to the law?  I can only guess as to how this law came into existence.  Kansas had one lawmaker who was considered "slow" mentally and when he proposed this law, his colleagues took pity on him and let it through just so that he would feel like he accomplished something.  Afterwards, they probably gave him a lollipop and let him go outside and play.  That's the only feasible explanation behind this idiotic law.

"Considering this law was probably made before the invention of telephones, this was the usual result of such a situation."

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 11

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Arizona Cardinals at Atlanta Falcons (-9.5)

Sunday 1:00

-  The Falcons are coming off a loss but they had some errors and still scored 27 points.  That should be enough for the Falcons to cover - the Cardinals have the NFL's second worst offense averaging only 16 points a game.  With all the backup QBs playing for injured starters this week, the Cardinals still might have the worst QB in John Skelton (and sadly, he was their starter Week 1).  The Falcons have motivation to avenge their loss last week and they will slowly pile on the points while their defense handles Arizona - Falcons win by 17.

New Orleans Saints at Oakland Raiders (UNDER 54.5)

Sunday 4:10

- Time to play some weather games.  It is looking a lot like rain Sunday in Oakland which could put a damper on both team's passing game.  Even without the rain, the Saints have embraced the run game a little more lately which will help keep the score down a little.

Jacksonville Jaguars (+15) at Houston Texans

Sunday 1:00

- Plus 15!  This is the NFL - it may take a backdoor cover but no way the Texans are up for this game.

San Diego Chargers at Denver Broncos (-7.5)

Sunday 4:30

- The Broncos have quietly been crushing people.  They have scored 31 points or more in five out of their last six games with Peyton looking unstoppable.  On the other side, Rivers has been mostly a dumpster fire throwing to no one in particular and seemingly not caring which team catches the ball.  I will ride the Broncos and take Rivers turnover gifts to the bank in this match up.

Last Week's Results: 1-4-0
Season Results: 18-22-1

Heisman QB's and NFL Success

I have always found it funny how inept Heisman winning quarterbacks are when they reach the NFL, that is, if they reach the NFL at all.  Let's take a look back at the QB's that won the Heisman since 2000 and how they have fared in the big leagues:

• 2000 - Chris Weinke, Florida State (4th Round Pick by the Carolina Panthers) - considering he was 29 years old when he was drafted, he lasted longer in the league than you would have thought.  Over seven seasons, he mostly held a clipboard and not much else.
• 2001 - Eric Crouch, Nebraska (3rd Round Pick by the St. Louis Rams) - he was drafted to play wide receiver but wanted to play quarterback and because of this decision, he never played a down in the NFL.
• 2002 - Carson Palmer, USC (1st Overall Pick by the Cincinnati Bengals) - until Cam Newton was drafted in 2011, Carson is the only QB on this list that has put up decent numbers while in the NFL.  No, he hasn't won any playoff games or won any awards, but at least he hasn't been embarrassingly terrible like most of these guys.
• 2003 - Jason White, Oklahoma (Undrafted) - this guy won the Heisman and finished third the following year but he went undrafted and initially didn't even get a try-out from any NFL teams.  Eventually, the Rams let him try out but didn't sign him which caused him to decide to "retire".  In other words, he sucked so hard that he couldn't cut it in the pros.
• 2004 - Matt Leinart, USC (10th Overall Pick by the Arizona Cardinals) - before the draft, a lot of "experts" thought Matt had a shot at going 1st overall.  But they couldn't have been more wrong.  He has done absolutely nothing as a pro to justify his Top 10 pick and is currently backing up Carson Palmer just like he did in college.
• 2006 - Troy Smith, Ohio State (5th Round Pick by the Baltimore Ravens) - considering I didn't even know that he was drafted should tell you all you need to know about this guy's pro career, he couldn't even beat out Kyle Boller for the starting job and that guy was horrible.  Currently he is on a practice squad for the Steelers which means he doesn't play professional football anymore.
• 2007 - Tim Tebow, Florida (25th Overall Pick by the Denver Broncos) - if being the most overhyped player in the history of ever is considered successful, then Timmy is the greatest player in the history of ever.  But as a pro player, he pretty much sucks balls.
• 2008 - Sam Bradford, Oklahoma (1st Overall Pick by the St. Louis Rams) - he had a great rookie season but has been pretty awful since, so we will hold off judgement on him for now.
• 2010 - Cam Newton, Auburn (1st Overall Pick by the Carolina Panthers) - he put together possibly the greatest statistical rookie season regardless of position in NFL history, but the big problem is he hasn't turned those stats into wins.  In college, he had a record of 25-1 and so far as a pro, he is 8-17.
• 2011 - Robert Griffin III, Baylor (2nd Overall Pick by the Washington Redskins) - pretty good so far but it is too early to tell if he will be a good pro.

I guess the first thing that stands out is that the Heisman Trophy only seems to go to quarterbacks considering a QB has won the award every year but twice in the past 12 years.  The next thing that stands out is that until recently, Heisman winning QB's have been awful professional players.  So, either the Heisman voters are getting better at actually picking good players for their award or they just got lucky and will go back to picking losers again shortly.  Also, if you were wondering how the two non-QB Heisman winners have fared in the NFL, the answer is a mixed bag:

• 2005 - Reggie Bush, USC (vacated) (2nd Overall Pick by the New Orleans Saints) - he's only broken 1,000 yards rushing once, other than that, he has been mostly a bust.
• 2009 - Mark Ingram, Alabama (28th Overall Pick by the New Orleans Saints) - he is in his 2nd season and so far he has been pretty worthless.  When will NFL teams figure out that a 3rd round running back is just as productive as a 1st round pick?

"Seriously ESPN, just admit he sucks at football and stop making a news story out of him running shirtless through the rain."

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 12

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on BCS Standings
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

#22 Rutgers Scarlet Knights (+6.5) @ Cincinnati Bearcats

12:00
Big East Network

#18 USC Trojans @ #17 UCLA Bruins (+4)

3:05
FOX

NC State Wolfpack @ #11 Clemson Tigers (-17)

3:30
ABC or ESPN2

#23 Texas Tech Red Raiders @ #24 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-10.5)

3:30
SportsSouth

Ohio State Buckeyes (+3) @ Wisconsin Badgers

3:30
ABC or ESPN2

#13 Stanford Cardinal @ #2 Oregon Ducks (-20.5)

8:00
ABC

-Alright, this going to sound weird, but I actually enjoyed doing "The Wave" at Clemson's home game this past weekend.  I know, the wave is lame and outdated, but Clemson's student section did something I haven't seen before.  They started a normal wave, but when it got all the back to them, they then proceeded to do what I'm going to call a "Slow Wave".  In essence, the student section did a really really slow wave and not only was it kind of cool, but for once, everyone else in the stadium did it, too.  I haven't seen an entire crowd do the wave in a long time, but everyone seemed to love the "Slow Wave".  But it doesn't stop there.  Once the "Slow Wave" went around the stadium, the student section then started a "Fast Wave" which is exactly what it sounds like and was equally as cool as the "Slow Wave".  I'm sure Clemson didn't invent this, but it was pretty cool nonetheless and I felt like sharing.

-Do you remember when I said I was uncomfortable about all of my picks last week?  No.  Well, me neither because I finally had a perfect week.  6-0, baby!  And now that I am fully in the picking groove, you can fully expect me to go undefeated the rest of the way or you money back!

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend Said:

(I couldn't find a picture of my favorite sign from this past weekend, so here is a funny one that makes fun of the Gamecocks from a while back.  Because this week's Gameday was aboard the USS San Diego, my favorite sign said "Go College, Beat University!")

Last Week's Results: 6-0
Season Results: 39-29

Lyrical Lies - U Can't Touch This

This column will strip away the catchy instrumentals and analyze the ridiculousness of the lyrics in popular songs.  I understand it is taking things to the extremes, but that's what I do - I go to extremes.  I am not going to comment on repeating lines or verses other than to occasionally note how much repetition there is in all songs.  In this addition, we take on our childhood and realize what is behind the song we have heard/sang hundreds of times.  Remember this is a rap song so the lyrics are coming fast and furious, also there are a lot of lyrics.

Song:   U Can't Touch This
Artist:  MC Hammer

First off, that is the actual title with a "U" instead of a "You".  How far ahead of the curve was Hammer?  He was text rapping back in 1990 - impressive!  I assume it will only be a few more years until Hammer pants are totally cool.

"You can't touch thisYou can't touch thisYou can't touch thisYou can't touch thisYou can't touch this"I only left this in to get you right into the annoyingness.  I will spare you the rest of the repeats but he uses it 28 times!!! Lyrical crutch?  I think so.
"My, my, my music hits me so hard"Like by a piano?"Makes me say "Oh, my Lord""A reasonable reaction...for a 60 year old lady.  Isn't he a rapper?  Shouldn't he be saying "what the fuck!"?"Thank you for blessing meWith a mind to rhyme and two hype feet"We all pray and pray for those hype feet - So useful.
"It feels good, when you know you're down"Confusion.  Down like  "Yo, I'm down with that?"  Down with what? I do not understand."A super dope homeboy from the Oak townAnd I'm known as such"Again with the old lady or 12 year old boy reference - only those two demographics have ever said "super dope homeboy".  I wonder if Hammer is a joke in the hood even when he blew up?"And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch"Agreed.
"I told you, homeboy"Really?  You haven't actually said anything other than where you are from and you like your own song."Yeah, that's how we living and you know"How?  Again - you haven't said anything about how you live.  Is there another earlier part of the song?  Wait - did you do another song other than this one!?!?
"Look at my eyes, man"Ten bucks says you never revisit this line and it won't make any sense after I read the next line."Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics"WINNER!
"Fresh new kicks, advance"Advance?  Are there levels of kicks?  Did Hammer level up?"You gotta like that, now, you know you wanna danceSo move, outta your seatAnd get a fly girl and catch this beat"OK, that part actually does make me want to dance.  Good call, Hammer.
"While it's rollin', hold on"Holding on is the opposite of the dancing you have been telling us to do."Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's goin' onLike that, like that"No one knows how to pump it.  For Hammer to assume that everyone is doing it right is absurd.  Come on, Hammer.
"Cold on a mission so fall them back"Alright - I get it.  You are just messing with us now - I mean no one knows what that was - did Hammer just have those word refrigerator magnets and just mess them up and pick out eight of them?"Let 'em know, that you're too much"This is the only thing I agree with you on Hammer - you are too much."And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch"

"Yo, I told youWhy you standin' there, man?"You said hold on because it's rolling"Yo, sound the bell, school is in, sucka"Whoa - great song-ending line.  Drop the mike, Hammer!
"Give me a song or rhythm"Wait - not the end?  Give you a song?  You have been droning on for a few minutes. "Makin' 'em sweat, that's what I'm givin' 'emNow, they knowYou talkin' about the Hammer, you talkin' about a show"We know you are the Hammer - no one else in the world throughout history dresses like that.
"That's hype and tight"What is?  Please use more nouns next time."Singers are sweatin' so pass them a wipe"A wipe?  Who uses wipes for sweat?  They make a specific thing for that - it's called a towel. "Or a tape, to learnWhat's it gonna take in the nineties to burn"Oh, awkward.....you ensured that your song will always be dated.
"The charts? Legit"What charts?  You do know we don't hear your inner monologue, right?"Either work hard or you might as well quit"Way to be a role model, Hammer!"That's word because you know"I don't know but maybe know I learned a valuable piece of advice."You can't touch this, you can't touch this"Nevermind.
"Break it downStop, Hammer time"Is what's coming up "Hammer Time" or was that before?
"Go with the funk, it is saidIf you can't groove to thisThen you probably are dead"Nothing to say there - this is a 100% true statement.
"So wave your hands in the air"Like we don't care - or are we caring?  The 90's were confusing."Bust a few movesRun your fingers through your hair"Oh - like Bieber.  I am convinced the Hammer has no street credit what-so-ever.
"This is it, for a winnerDance to this and you're gonna get thinner"That's just calories out being more than calories in.  He should have added something about combining the dancing with a balanced diet."Move, slide your rumpJust for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump"Nothing like seeing your middle school crush gyrating trying to figure out how to do the bump bump bump. (DISCLAIMER: This is a thought I had in middle school and only about girls older than I was at any point in my live.  No pervert.)
"You better get hype, boyBecause you know you can't"So you want us to try something you know we can't do - pretty messed up, Hammer."Ring the bell, school's back in"School was already in - you said the bell rang.
"Break it downStop, Hammer time"Go. Stop. Stop. Go.  Make up you mind.
"Every time you see meThe Hammer's just so hype"That is true - unfortunately no one has seen you in 20 years."I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mic"Wait, Magic Mike!?!?  Is Channing Tatum on this track?
"Now why would I ever stop doing this?"Because you only hit once and the money dried up leaving you with the same bills but no income.With others makin' records that just don't hit"I've toured around the world, from London to the Bay"London is close to a bay, so I'm sure that may not be that wide of an expanse.  We may need some fact checkers."It's "Hammer, go Hammer, MC Hammer, yo, Hammer""Wow- really originaly nicknames.And the rest can go and playMore like playing a rapper.  Boom.