NOKW - X-Men: First Class

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  X-Men: First Class

Basic Plot:  The origin story of some of your favorite mutants back when Magneto and Professor X were friends and the world still didn't know about mutants.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that young Professor X had a full head of hair.  The fact that January Jones was really bad in this movie, how did she get cast?  I guess they saw their error and that's why she isn't in Days of Future Past.  The fact that I still don't know what the hell Kevin Bacon's mutant power was because it seemed to range from kind of lame to incredibly destructive for no reason.  The fact that young Magneto was a badass and they should make a movie about him going around the world hunting Nazis.    The fact the government seemed to be scared of the mutants and yet still had a facility for them to hang out.  The fact that the only good guy mutant who dies was black.  The fact that Magneto really did have a point of wanting to kill all the humans who tried to blow them up at the end of the movie.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Beast wanted to give Mystique a shot that would make her "normal", but in actuality, it would have taken away her mutant ability while his would still work.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, there is a scene where Beast makes a formula which he thinks will make Mystique and himself look normal.  However, making Mystique look normal would have resulted in her no longer being able to shape shift and yet he would have still been really strong and whatever else his mutant ability is.  Thankfully, she turned it down.  But he didn't, it backfired, and turned him into a furry blue monster.  Actually, I am okay with that, but the fact that she would have been robbed of her mutant ability because Beast is a dick?  I am not okay with that.

"The fact that she is virtually naked and yet I'm not turned on.  There is nothing left to the imagination and I still feel robbed somehow."

Stupid State Laws - Arkansas 3

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Arkansas

"A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise."

Wait.  What.  Why.  This makes little to no sense.  In fact, it makes less than no sense.  What does having a bob haircut have to do with a woman's teaching ability?  It doesn't.  There is only one explanation for this stupid law.  Pure and utter jealous revenge.  One teacher who didn't have a bob got jealous of another teacher that did (big surprise that a woman was jealous of another woman, am I right fellas?) and went to her lawmaking husband and got him to make this utterly ridiculous law.  There really is no other scenario that makes this law feasible.  And of course, said jealous woman probably "bobbed" her lawmaking husband's knob and that is why this law exists.  It does makes sense, Bill Clinton is from Arkansas and we all know how much he likes getting a little "bob" on the side.

"You're lucky you are not a teacher, lady.  Come on, rookie, let's get out of here."
"Excuse me, can I get your autograph?"
"Damn it rookie, we don't have time for this, we need to be out there arresting people for hunting whales or owning too many dildos."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Do you like hockey?  Of course not!  But there is one guy out there trying to make hockey more fun and his name is Randy Moller.  He used to be the Tampa Bay Lighting's radio announcer and after every Tampa Bay goal, he would quote a random movie line and it. is. awesome.

Summary:  Yup, I included two of his goal compilations and next time I will post two more!  It's that funny.

Selling My Car

I sold my car about a year ago and am finally getting around to telling you guys about a funny story involved with the transaction.  First off, I should tell you that it was an orange-ish 1998 Ford Explorer Sport.  The "Sport" part means that it had the upside of being a stickshift, but the downside of only having two doors.  I loved that car as long as I didn't have more than one other person in it, because it was annoying to have to scoot the seats forward to give legroom to people sitting in the back.  Now, I had had this car for a decade and a half and it had all sorts of weird quarks.  Let me tell you about them:

• The windshield wipers worked about 75% of the time and if you wanted to use the windshield wiper fluid, you had to pump the button a few times until it finally figured out what you wanted.
• The rear windshield wiper worked maybe once a year.
• The cruise control feature quit working after only three years of owning the car.  So, you had to control your own speed on the interstate which was annoying on long trips.
• In order to unlock the tailgate, you had to hit the unlock button a few times.  If you wanted to use a key to unlock it, you had to wiggle the key in the lock really hard until it finally caught.
• The key just flat out didn't work on the passenger side door.
• And the best part of all, in order to listen to the radio, you had to have a CD in the CD player otherwise it would constantly be trying to find one and cut the radio off.

So, knowing that last part, I decided to burn one last CD for my car before I sold it and I came up with possibly the worst song known to man to put on that CD.  What song you ask?  The Monster Mash!  Yup, the Monster Mash.  Most annoying song ever if you have to listen to it on repeat and because that was the only song I put on that CD, if the new owner turned on the CD player, they would have to listen to that song on a loop until they figured out what was going on.  I'm sure the first time they heard it, they thought "I remember this song, fun".  The second time they thought "Weird, it's the Monster Mash again, oh well, I'll listen it to it again".  The third time "what the fuck, this song is really getting on my nerves".  And on the fourth time their head exploded causing my old car to fly off a conveniently placed cliff and my car is now in a trench with human brains splattered all over the interior.  Frankly, I think that's the way it would have wanted to go.

"It was nicknamed the Orange Delight by the cop who patrolled my high school."

Movie Trailer Review - Transformers 4

This is not a review of the trailer, but a review of this movie based entirely on this movie's trailer.  I have a special talent of being able to figure out whether a movie will be any good based just on the trailer and I'm finally putting that talent to good use.  Screw you, it's a real talent.

Transformers: Age of Extinction

I want to start out by saying that I have never seen a single Transformers movie while it was in the theater even though I did enjoy the first one.  The second one was a train wreck of racism and the third was okay but all-around dumb.  Having said that, on to the trailer.

Mark Wahlberg is more entertaining than he probably deserves, but I really don't think he can save this movie.  That is unless of course you like these sorts of films, aka a CGI explosion extravaganza.  The only thing this movie really has going for it is that it is the only big action movie to come out in the past month and the action junkies will probably flock to it.  Will it be any good?  Probably not, but honestly, I don't think that's what Michael Bay is going for.  He is more of the kind of director that casts attractive people and then makes anything that can explode explode.  Do I suggest you go see it?  Nah, it's not worth it, just wait until Guardians of Galaxy comes out at the end of next month.

Estimated Opening Weekend Box Office Gross - $85 million

What Kind of Fart This Movie Will Resemble:

The Thank God I'm Alone Fart - Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast!

Random Movie Trivia - Inception

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Inception

• If you take the first letters of the main characters' names - Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito - they spell "Dreams". If you add Peter, Ariadne and Yusuf, the whole makes "Dreams Pay", which is what they do for a mind thief.
• When Cobb gave Ariadne the puzzle test, Ariadne's final solution was a diagram of King Minos' Labyrinth. Ariadne is the name of King Minos' daughter in the same mythology.
• Joseph Gordon-Levitt performed all but one of his own stunts during the fight scene in the spinning hallway.
• Dom Cobb's main objective is to get Home. His name, Dom, literally means 'home' in most Slavic languages.
• Kate Winslet was approached for the role of Mal, but turned it down, citing that she couldn't see herself as the character.
• The running time of the movie INCEPTION in DVD is exactly 8888 seconds.
• The slow, gloomy, blaring trombones in the main theme of the film score are actually based on an extremely slowed down version of the fast, high pitched trumpets in the beginning of the Édith Piaf song "Non, je ne regrette rien," which is used as the music that the characters hear when they know they are about to be woken up.
• In spite of the films extensive surreal effects sequences, the majority special effects throughout the film, such as the Penrose stairs, rotating hallway, mountain avalanche, and zero gravity sequences, were created through practical methods, not through the use of computer generated imagery.
• The role of Arthur was originally meant for Heath Ledger before his untimely death.  James Franco was in talks with Christopher Nolan to play Arthur, but was ultimately unavailable due to scheduling conflicts.
• Despite prominent billing, Michael Caine only gets three minutes of screentime.
• There is a series of numbers that keep appearing, on the front of the train the number is 3502, the taxi number is 2305 and the hotel room number is 5302.
• The Hollywood Reporter reported that Brad Pitt and Will Smith were separately offered to play the role of Cobb, but both actors passed on the role.
• Evan Rachel Wood was Christopher Nolan's first choice to play Ariadne, but she turned it down. Before Ellen Page was offered and accepted the role, Nolan considered casting Emily Blunt, Rachel McAdams, Emma Roberts, Jessy Schram, Taylor Swift and Carey Mulligan.
• In Greek mythology, Ariadne helps Theseus to kill the minotaur by providing him with a sacred sword and a string to find the way and out of his trap - a labyrinth.
• In an effort to combat confusion, television broadcasts in Japan include text in the upper-left corner of the screen to remind viewers which level of the dream a specific scene takes place in.
• Not counting flashbacks, Cobb's wedding ring only appears in scenes where he is dreaming. Many times in the film, the scene cuts away just as Cobb's left hand comes into view.  In the end when Cobb uses his spinning top the answer (Real vs. Dream) is foreshadowed when he clears Customs earlier and you briefly see his left hand as he hands over his passport.

"I could see Brad being okay in this thing, but Will?  Nope (no racist)."

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 19

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• How did the Fast & Furious crew go from thieves and street racers in the 1st movie to stopping international terrorists and experts in hand-to-hand combat in the 6th movie?
• I'm suddenly mad at myself for never having made a mixed CD (or tape if I was old enough) called "Sam's Jams".
• Why do men's pants' sizes go by 2 inch increments?  Because I find it very annoying that 34's are too tight and 36's are too loose on me and 35's don't exist unless you have them tailored and I'm too impatient for that nonsense.
• The guy in front of me at a gas station the other day bought 2 cases of Bud Light, a carton of Marlboro Lights, and $100 in scratch-off tickets.  Welcome to South Carolina.
• Why do people enjoy taking baths?  All you are doing is sitting around in your own filth.
• I have never fired a gun, is that weird or normal?
• It's good to see that Andrew Dice Clay is getting work even if it is doing the voice of a hamster on a phone commercial.
• Has anyone ever eaten at Hooter's for the food?
• What exactly was so cold about the Cold War?  Is it because Russia is considered so cold?  If so, did Russia call it the Warm War?
• Where do bugs go when it rains?
• Reason No. 32 I Know I'm Getting Old - It took me 20 seconds the other day to remember how old I was.

"That's my little brother.  It's even warm when it snows.  Welcome to South Carolina."

Today's Celebrity Birthdays - June 23rd

I decided to start up a new post where I list the "celebrities" that were born on this day and then either praise them or mock them.  It will be fun, so let's do this:

• Selma Blair (42) - 42?!?  Damn, Cruel Intentions was a long time ago.  Other than the Hellboy movies, we haven't really heard from Selma in awhile, which is a shame because she still looks good.
• Joss Whedon (50) - Joss did the impossible, he made an Avengers movie that was awesome.  On top of his other great projects over the years like Firefly, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the second half of The Agents of SHIELD season, let's hope he continues on doing what he is doing.  However, who names their kid Joss?  What a weird name.
• Randy Jackson (58) - The only original judge of American Idol is still judging American Idol.  Sad, isn't it?  How is that show still on the air?
• Zinedine Zidane (42) - I can't decide if it's awesome or sad that the only thing this guy will ever be remembered for his head-butting a guy during the championship match of the World Cup.  I lean more towards awesome even if his team did end up losing.
• Frances McDormand (56) - She was in Fargo and Almost Famous and was incredible in both.  How has she not gone on to have a bigger career?
• LaDainian Tomlinson (35) - I only include him because every fantasy football player out there remembers him being a beast in their leagues.  I never owned him (not racist), but sure wish I had during his peak years.
• Melissa Rauch (34) - Who?  She plays the little blond with the squeaky voice on The Big Bang Theory.  Other than that, I know nothing about her to praise or ridicule.
• Clarence Thomas (66) - Is this guy still a Supreme Court Judge?  Who cares.

Stupid State Laws - Arkansas 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Arkansas

"A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month."

Holy monkey balls!  This is insane!  If I had to guess, this was Arkansas's response to a woman's "monthly visitor".  They probably thought that if they could beat their wife once a month, then their wife would not be as crazy when Aunt Flo visits.  Is it ridiculous?  Absolutely.  But does it keep women from using their period as an excuse to be crazy once a month?  Absolutely not.  You know what, even my hypothesis doesn't make sense.  This just sounds like a bunch of idiots making up an excuse to slap their wives around every once and awhile and I just can't condone it.  But only because there is nothing in this law that allows a man to beat his girlfriend once a month when she gets hormonally crazy.  Then again, maybe this was a way for women to force their men to marry them even if they get beat up now and then.  Actually, forget everything I just said, this law is stupid and there is no reason it should exist.  Arkansas, you are dumb.

"Well rookie, what do we have here?"
"It's the first of the month, Sarge.  So, he's in the clear as long as he doesn't do it again the rest of the month."
"Sounds good, let's go pull over some black guys for no reason.  Clear out!"

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Do you like Super Mario?  And do you like Game of Thrones?  Well, get ready for something truly special then:

Summary:  I know, it blew my mind, too.  Who thinks to do such random shit like this?  Well, I want to shake their hand, even if it is probably greasy with Cheeto crumbs and hand lotion.

Copycat Movies

In January, a Hercules move came out starring some guy who didn't sound like he could speak English.  And at the end of July another Hercules movie will be coming out starring The Rock (I do not recognize the name Dwayne Johnson).  Why does Hollywood do this?  And more importantly, is it even legal?  I can only assume a screenwriter came into a studio with their Hercules script and the studio said "Pass" and then immediately got on the phone and got a cheaper screenwriter to make another Hercules script.  Meanwhile, someone bought the original script and that movie was also made.  What I don't understand is why make two of the same movie in the same year.  Sadly, this isn't the first time this has happened nor will it be the last.  So, I compiled a list of all the instances this has happened that I can think of and then made fun of them.  Enjoy:

• Dante's Peak and Volcano - The year was 1997 and someone thought it would be a good time to have competing movies about volcanoes.  Both were pretty crappy and one of them had the most disturbing scene I've ever seen when that grandma jumped in a lake of acid to save her family.  It still gives me the willies just thinking about it.
• Armageddon and Deep Impact - Both movies came out in 1998 and both involved an asteroid threatening to destroy Earth.  Sadly, the Michael Bay version was way more entertaining and the other one was just boring.
• Red Planet and Mission to Mars - Once again, we have two movies about people going to Mars coming out in the same year (2000).  Did anybody see either of these pieces of shit?  I hope not because both made no sense and one of them involved Val Kilmer fighting a robot.  What?!?
• The Prestige and The Illusionist - One starred Batman, Black Widow, and the Wolverine, one starred the 2nd Hulk and the Rhino, both were about magicians doing stuff , both came out in the 2006, and only one was any good.  I'll give you a hint, it was the one with the better superheros.
• White House Down and Olympus Has Fallen - I read an awesome book about terrorists taking over the White House and a badass special ops guy going in alone and saving the day and thought this would make a great movie.  Well, Hollywood fucked that up with two stupid movies.
• The Legend of Hercules and Hercules - I still want to know who thought casting The Rock as a Greek god was a good idea.  It makes no sense.
• Three Upcoming Peter Pans - All I know about these three movies is that all three are about the origins of Peter Pan.  Sure, one movie about the Peter Pan origin story sounds cool, but three?  Nope.

"His name is Kellan Lutz and when I saw the trailer for this movie, I couldn't understand a word he said.  I guess his muscles got him the part and they ignored his ability to act."

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Nicolas Cage

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Nicolas Cage

Top 5

Ben Sanderson, Leaving Las Vegas - First off, I have to say that there were a lot of Nick Cage roles I really liked, a lot that I really hated, and nothing in-between.  That has to be a first.  Anyways, we should lead off with his only Academy Award winning role that was really awesome.  My favorite thing about this movie (other than getting to see Elizabeth Shue's boobs) was that the first half of this movie was pretty funny.  Nick Cage as a raging alcoholic was hilarious, but then it got sad and you can see why he won the statue.
Roy Waller, Matchstick Men - This movie is awesome the first time you see it.  It has one of those twist endings that makes okay the second time you see it, but that first time was great.  Plus Sam Rockwell was in it and I love that guy.
Yuri Orlov, Lord of War - Sure, Nick doesn't exactly pull off a Ukrainian, but regardless, this movie was very entertaining and I thought it was one of Nick's better jobs.
Big Daddy, Kick-Ass - He might have been born for this part.  Nick is a huge comic book nerd and getting to play a gun-totting crazy badass must have been his dream.  Too bad he ruined that dream with a movie in the Bottom 5.
Caster Troy, Face/Off - Holy crap, this last one was tough.  It came down to his part in Con-Air, Gone in 60 Seconds, and this.  Yes, those other movies are cheesy (as is this one), but he was great in all three except I really liked him in this one even if it had the most ridiculous concept.  Trading faces with someone?  How high was the guy who wrote that?

Bottom 5

Joe, Bangkok Dangerous - Never saw it, but I heard it was a big bag of garbage.
Johnny Blaze, Ghost Rider - Great comic book character, but it's move to the big screen was terrible (and I still don't know how it got a sequel).  The Ghost Rider himself looked pretty cool, but the rest of the movie looked really bad.  Plus, how do you stop an undead skeleton with a flaming head?  At least Superman has kryptonite, what does Ghost Rider have?  A bucket of water?
Stanley Goodspeed, The Rock - I liked this movie, except I found it really hard to believe that desk jockey like Nick's character is able to take down a band of highly trained soldiers with the help of a 70 year old man.
Benjamin Franklin Gates, National Treasure - It was the name that got this spot.  Also, did you know a third National Treasure is in the works.  Sigh.
Edward Malus, The Wicker Man - Another really tough one.  It came down to his part in Season of the Witch, Next, Knowing, and this.  All bad, but this character did punch a woman in the face and ran around screaming about bees.  So bad, but kind of good.

Who Is This? Part 13

Alright, who is this?  No, you racist, not him.  How about a hint?  He played someone's sidekick in a prequel that you didn't know was prequel unless you are a supernerd.  Did that do it?  You're not a supernerd?  Fine, how about this hint - he constantly said "Doctor Jones" while playing said sidekick.  Yup, that's Johnathan Ke Quan, aka Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, aka Data from The Goonies.  In case you didn't know, Temple of Doom was the second Indiana Jones movie but actually took place before Raiders of the Lost Ark, now you are a supernerd, too, you're welcome.

So, what is Johnny up to nowadays?  No clue, his IMDB page says he didn't really do anything after The Goonies that I've heard of other than a small part in the 1992 movie Encino Man.  When I googled him there was a mention that he was on The Walking Dead, but I saw the picture of that guy and whoever thought they are the same person is super racist and probably should have their NBA team taken away from them.

Sequels, Prequels, and More - Part 13

Another look at Hollywood's hilarious concept of upcoming movies, meaning that they have run out of ideas and they can only come up with another round of prequels, sequels, and remakes and nothing original.  In this case, we will be looking at all of the video games that are in production to become movies:

• Mrs. Doubtfire 2 - Ah yes, Hollywood's new favorite thing to do, make a sequel to a movie that came out over 20 years ago.  Do we need another Mrs. Doubtfire?  Doubtful (see what I did there).  Will we get one?  Of course we will and it will suck.
• Ouiji - Yup, they are making a movie based on that stupid board game, the Ouiji Board.  I can only assume this will be some crappy horror movie where the board actually works for once and not because some dumbass is moving that thing around.
• Peeps - You are probably asking "What are peeps? You don't mean those terrible tasting Easter candies, do you?".  Yes, fine reader, I do mean those terrible tasting Easter candies.  Hollywood is actually making a movie about those terrible tasting Easter candies.
• Minecraft - How exactly do you make a movie based on a video game where you mine stuff and build stuff?  I honestly don't know but I can't wait to see how badly Hollywood fails.
• Expendables 4 - Damn it!  Why!  The first one sucked, the second probably sucked, and the third one hasn't come out yet but it will suck too.  You can't understand what any of the over-the-hill actors are saying which means these movies are really nothing but explosions and fight scenes.  Stop it already. 
• ExpendaBelles - Okay, I might be on board with this only because it will be scantily clad woman who you can't understand and who fight with explosions in the background.  Will I see it before it comes on TNT?  Nope, but I might just watch it when it does.  Might.
• Power Rangers - Who in the hell is the demographic here?  Everyone that watched this show when it was on the air is married with kids and I doubt they give a shit about these guys anymore.  So who's bright idea was it to make a movie today?
• Transporter 4 - I read somewhere that this is going to be a prequel.  How exactly can you make a prequel for a movie like this?  Do they just show the transporter driving cars without everyone trying to kill him?  Are they going to try and make Jason Statham look young?  Because if they cast someone else, I really doubt anyone will go see this.
• Godzilla 2 - All I will say is that I hope they actually show Godzilla fighting a lot more in the sequel and don't wait until an hour and a half into it like the first one.  I actually liked the first Godzilla, so for the first time in this article, I'm giving this movie my stamp of approval.
• National Treasure 3 - Hasn't Nick Cage proven by this point that his career is in the shitter?
• Cliffhanger Reboot - How do you reboot a movie that wasn't a franchise?  No idea, but Hollywood is dumb enough to try and call it a reboot and not a remake.  Idiots.
• Now You See Me 2 - I watched the first one recently and it had a pretty cool twist ending.  However, if you go back and watch it again, not a damn bit of it makes sense after knowing the twist, therefore, a sequel is going to be even more confusing with an equally stupid twist and I hate Hollywood for this decision.

"Hollywood is going to make a movie based on these things.  How much cocaine did someone snort before agreeing to this?"

NOKW - Kill Bill

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2

Basic Plot:  The story of one woman who wants to Kill Bill, hence the title of the movie.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Bill wanted to murder Bride for leaving their group, failed, and then didn't finish the job when he could, what kind of murdering asshole are you, Bill?  The fact that Taratino didn't want us to know the Bride's name until the end of the movie for no reason.  The fact that even though Pulp Fiction was really awesome, I still think that Kill Bill Vol. 1 was my favorite Taratino movie.  The fact that Bride sat in the Pussy Wagon for hours and no one came looking for her after murdering the owner of said Pussy Wagon.  The fact that a hospital would let a guy who owns a truck he named the Pussy Wagon work at their hospital.  The fact that Bride's legs don't work after being in a coma, but her arms work just fine even though they suffered the same amount of apathy.  The fact that Lucy Liu somehow hasn't aged a day since this movie.  The fact that if you are the last 5 people in this fight, why would you try and go after her, she just murdered nearly 100 people single-handed and you think you and a couple friends can take her down?  The fact that Vol. 2 was such a letdown after that final fight scene in Vol. 1.  The fact that Bride was able to break out of coffin and climb through the dirt to safety.  The fact that Bride survived a shotgun blast to the chest.  The fact that I really don't understand how that heart exploding technique works, and for that matter, if you never take the necessary 5 or 10 steps, would it kill you?

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Bride/Kiddo isn't the most wanted person in the world after murdering about 100 people in a nightclub.  And not just murdering these people, she severed limbs, gutted, stabbed, and decapitated them.  Sure, if I was the authorities I might be a little scared of a woman who could kill that many people by herself.  But then again, a gun beats a sword any day. And it's not like they didn't know what she looked like, there were witnesses to her massacre meaning they had someone who could describe a 6 ft blood woman.  How many 6 ft blond women could there be in Japan?  So, this means that when Bride gets on the next airplane, they should have been able to track her movements.  But no, other than at the beginning of the first movie, we never see another cop in either movie again and Bride gets away with murdering A LOT of people.  I am not okay with that.

"Yup, she murdered all of those people and totally got away with it."

Stupid State Laws - Arizona 7

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Mohave County, Arizona

"A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up."

Okay, that's just silly and totally defeats the purpose.  If you stole something, you should have to give it back, not use it all until it's gone.  What happens to the original owner of the soap?  Does he get a new bar of soap or is he just screwed out of being clean until he goes to the store again?  In fact, does the owner of the soap have to watch his soap being used up?  Well, if it's a woman that did the stealing and the owner was a man, then maybe that's not that bad of a trade off.  Actually, this brings up a good idea - framing hot woman of stealing your soap.  It's genius!  Thank you, Arizona, you have created the greatest law for perverts.

"Oh, you only stole body wash, that's not a big deal, carry on."
"But Sarge, he still stole the body wash."
"Shut up rookie, there is nothing in the books against stealing body wash."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  The new Mario Kart game just came out on the Wii U.  And because no one owns a Wii U, no one will get to experience the joy of racing Mario characters against each other in this new game and will just have to remember how that game really didn't improve after Mario Kart 64.  In any case, there is one bright spot in this new game - the Luigi "Death Stare":

Summary:  I don't know about you, but I laughed every single time.  When we used to play Mario Kart 64, fellow Brainfart contributor Alex always played as Luigi and after seeing this video, I wouldn't be surprised if he goes out and buys a Wii U just to play as Luigi once again.  Unfortunately, he has a 6 month old baby girl at home, so I don't he can afford it at this time.  Sorry, buddy.

Dave Chappelle

I miss Dave Chappelle.  Recently, I caught an old episode of his TV show and remembered all over again just how funny that guy is.  Not was, is.  There is no way that he isn't still hilarious and it's a shame that we can't embrace his comedy today.  Do you remember how funny Half Baked is?  Apologies to Dazed and Confused and The Big Lebowski, but it's easily the funniest stoner comedy ever made.  Those other two are funny, but I honestly wouldn't categorize them as comedies.

But who's fault is it that he has become a recluse?  The answer is us.  "Us!?!" you say.  Yes, us.  Let me explain.  My brother used to work "security" at university events when he was in college (I think that meant he stood around and enjoyed the shows he worked).  One of those events was Dave Chappelle stand-up.  He told me that while Dave was doing his stand-up, drunk idiots would shout "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" the ENTIRE time.  He literally couldn't get a joke out without some dumb frat boy yelling one of Dave's catchphrases from his TV show.  And this happened at every single event he held, which literally drove him insane and we haven't heard from him since.

What is he doing today?  Well, he is still doing stand-up and sadly, he is still getting the same result.  I found this little blurb in a recent article:

"Unfortunately, things did not go so well at the August 29th show in Hartford Connecticut. Unruly fans interrupted the show and were making so much noise that Dave stopped his act and read a book. After 25 minutes, he walked off the stage and left an angry crowd booing. In defense of Chappelle's irritation with the crowd, it was reported in a LaughSpin article that it was primarily the Hartford audience's fault, stating that Chappelle had politely asked the crowd to stop making noise, but the hecklers continued. Their refusal to calm down made it impossible for Chappelle to go on with his act."

Yup, we are still not allowing Dave to come back to us.  Get off his back and let him do his thing, people.  I miss him and I know I'm not the only one.

Random Movie Trivia - Fargo

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Fargo

• William H. Macy begged the directors for the role of Jerry Lundegaard. He did two readings for the part, and became convinced he was the best man for the role. When the Coens didn't get back to him, he flew to New York (where they were starting production) and said, "I'm very, very worried that you are going to screw up this movie by giving this role to somebody else. It's my role, and I'll shoot your dogs if you don't give it to me." He was joking, of course.
• The role of Carl Showalter was written specifically for Steve Buscemi.
• About thirty minutes into the film when Peter Stormare's character Gaear Grimsrud chases after the eyewitnesses in the car, he says, "Jävla fitta!" which in Swedish means 'fucking c*nt!'.
• The wood chipper used in the movie is now on display at the Fargo-Moorhead Visitors Center.
• The region was experiencing its second-warmest winter in 100 years. Filming of outdoor scenes had to be moved all over Minnesota, North Dakota, and Canada.
• Frances McDormand wore a "pregnancy pillow" filled with birdseed to simulate her pregnant belly. She says that she didn't deliberately try to move in a "pregnant" way, it simply came as a natural response to keeping the extra weight balanced.
• Although Frances McDormand's character is the film's central role, she does not appear on the screen until over 33 minutes (or 1/3) into the film.
• Body count: 7. The state trooper, the 2 passers-by, Wade Gustafson, the parking-lot attendant, Jean Lundegaard, and Carl Showalter.
• Fuck" and its derivatives are said 75 times.
• The film is not actually "Based on a true story". Joel Coen & Ethan Coen later admitted that they added that disclaimer so the viewer would be more willing to suspend disbelief in the story. (An urban legend even says that people have gone to search Minnesota for the briefcase of money, and come to a bad end.) While the specific crimes in the movie didn't happen, the plot has elements of two well-known Minnesota crimes. In 1962, a St. Paul attorney named Eugene Thompson hired someone to kill his wife, Carol. Unbeknownst to Thompson, his man hired someone else to do the job. The second man fatally wounded Mrs. Thompson in her house, but she managed to escape him. She went to a neighbor's house for help while her assailant fled the scene. The sloppiness and brutality of the crime attracted great attention. The murderers were quickly caught and gave up Thompson, who denied knowing anything about the crime for many years afterward. In 1972, Virginia Piper, the wife of a wealthy Orono banker, was kidnapped. A million-dollar ransom was paid, one of the largest in U.S. history. Mrs. Piper was found tied to a tree in a state park. Two men were convicted of the crime, but were acquitted after a re-trial. One of them later went on a shooting spree after his wife left him, killing her, their 5-year-old son, her son from a previous marriage, her new boyfriend, and one of his sons. Only $4,000 of the money was ever recovered.

"This scene is still one of the most disturbingly funny scenes in  movie history."

Sterling = Stupid

For a guy who was savvy enough to own an NBA franchise, Donald Sterling really is dumb.  After agreeing to sell the LA Clippers to the former CEO of Microsoft last week, Sterling has now changed his crazy racist mind and wants to keep the team and sue the NBA for banning him from the sport at the same time.  In other words, he is passing up $2 billion (with a "b") in favor of looking like an idiot and probably killing the value of the team.  What exactly is going on inside his head that makes him think that keeping the Clippers at this point is a good idea?  That two billion dollars will certainly not be there if he succeeds at keeping the team for another season and I will tell you why:

• 1)  No free agent will ever sign there as long as he is owner and his team will be made up of drafted players who will only play there until their rookie contract expires (and even then, I would be surprised if even they don't boycott from Day 1).
• 2) No one will pay to watch the games of a team owned by him, so he will be losing money like crazy through abysmal ticket sales.
• 3) No company in their right mind will sponsor his team while he is there because it will kill their company image, so once again, no money coming in from TV and arena sponsors.
• 4) The franchise will lose so much money as long as he is owner that the Clippers will be worth a fraction as much as it was going to sell for last week, so there goes that $2 billion dollars Sterling could have had if he wasn't such a racist idiot.

So, what does Sterling think he will gain by keeping the Clippers at this point other than to stroke his own ego?  Is a billion dollar loss worth that?  If the answer is yes to him, then it just proves that he is insane and shouldn't be allowed to own an NBA team and if I were his opponent's lawyers, that would be my first argument in court.  This whole situation is ridiculous and it keeps getting better/funnier with every word out of Sterling's racist mouth.  Do you know who isn't stupid?  Sterling's wife.  She is trying to get the court to overrule Sterling's stupidity and force the sale of the team.  You know, so that she doesn't lose billions of dollars unlike like her idiot of a husband.  Let's see what dumb decision he makes next (I'm crossing my fingers for an illegitimate kid from a black mother to come forward).

"Basically, he is Al Davis if he owned an NBA franchise and not the Raiders."

Strange Early Movie Roles

I was watching some random movie the other day and saw a big name actor in it that made me think "Wow, he was in that, weird".  So, that got me to thinking, what other actors have done roles that totally don't fit with what they are known for today.  This is what I came up with:

• Amy Adams, Talladega Nights - You remember this movie, it's the one where Will Ferrell plays a character that eventually strips down to his underwear, oh, and he is a NASCAR driver.  However, do you remember his love interest in the movie?  Not his wife, but the one he ends up with at the end.  That was 5-time Academy Award nominated actress Amy Adams.  At one point, they go at it on a table in a bar.  I should point out that she was up for a Best Supporting Role that same year.
• Owen Wilson, - Lots of Stuff - I actually wrote an entire post about his early years, so just read that and you will get the point.
• Chris Pine, Smokin Aces - If you didn't see this movie, I don't blame you.  Unfortunately, I was suckered by the trailer and saw it in the theater.  Ari Gold is a magician and has a hit set on him, so a bunch of assassins converge on his penthouse in Reno or somewhere like that.  Chris Pine plays the leader of a trio of crazy killers and his character couldn't be any more opposite of how we think of him today.  Personally, he was the best part of that movie, so maybe he should do more roles like it.
• Daniel Craig, A Kid in King Arthur's Court - James Bond played a knight or something in this stupid movie where some kid gets sent back in time to, well, just look at the title.  There's not much to say about Daniel's part other than he was really skinny looking and not a badass at all.
• Jennifer Aniston, Leprechaun - The funniest part about Jennifer's role in this movie is that after she got famous, they remade the cover for this movie that prominently features her.
• Gary Busey, The Buddy Holly Story - We all know Gary as that wild-eyed crazy guy who spouts nonsense all the time, but did you know he got nominated for an Oscar for this movie?  Yeah, he used to be a decent actor apparently.  Sure, Gary got in an accident and suffered brain damage, so that is probably why he is a little nuts now, but it sure is crazy to think this guy's career could have been totally different considering he had talent at one point.

"Yup, this is the new Captain Kirk."

Today's Celebrity Birthdays - June 9th

I decided to start up a new post where I list the "celebrities" that were born on this day and then either praise them or mock them.  It will be fun, so let's do this:

• Johnny Depp (51) - Johnny is 51.  Wow.  Well, 51-year old Johnny Depp's upcoming projects include a 5th Pirates movie and a Alice in Wonderland sequel.  What's next, an Edward Scissorhands sequel?  I just looked, it's not in the works.......yet.
• Natalie Portman (33) - I don't know what to make of Natalie, she's attractive but she is short (I like my women tall) and has a Huge head.  Something tells me that if you met her in person, she wouldn't look anything like you see on the big screen.
• Michael J. Fox (53) - I find it amazing that Michael is actually older than Johnny Depp.  I will always picture him as young Marty McFly.
• Jackie Mason (83) - Apparently this guy was a big time comedian back in the day, but sadly all I remember him for was that horrible Caddyshack sequel.  Also, did you know that his character in that movie was named Jack Hartounian and his character in The Jerk was named Harry Hartounian?  What's up with that?
• Dick Vitale (75) - I hate this guy, but that's mostly because he is a huge Duke basketball homer and I can't stand those cheating bastards.  However, I will admit that I do like his enthusiasm, baby.
• Aaron Sorkin (53) - The mind behind the shows Sports Night, The West Wing, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and The Newsroom.  I have nothing good or bad to say about this guy.
• David Koepp (51) - Who is David Koepp?  I didn't know who was either until I clicked on his IMDB page, and wow, this guy has a pretty impressive list of screenplay credits.  Jurassic Park and Spider-Man to name a couple.  He's a genius.  Oh wait, he wrote the 4th Indiana Jones, never mind, screw this guy.

"This is 28 year old Amber Heard, aka Johnny Depp's current girlfriend.  He's 51.  How is this fair?"

Stupid State Laws - Arizona 6

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Arizona

"It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water."

This doesn't seem so bad.  A little neighborly hospitality is a good thing, right?  However, what happens if some hobo wanders into your home and demands a glass of water and you don't have a glass?  Or your running water is broken?  What then?  Well, according to this law, you are going to jail, that's what.  Or what if there is a drought and water is scarce and you have to ration your water and only have enough for you and your loved ones?  Is it still unlawful?  Damn it, Arizona, you really need to think things through before you go all willy-nilly with your stupid laws.

"Well rookie, everything checks out.  He offered him water and we'll let it slide that he used a beaker."
"Sarge, I'm fairly sure that isn't water, water doesn't fume like that."
"Shut up rookie, it's clear, therefore it's water.  Let's go get a doughnut."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  So now that the NBA got rid of that crazy racist owner of the LA Clippers, do you know who bought them?  This guy:

Summary:  That's Steve Ballmer, former CEO of Microsoft.  I know this video has been around a long time but it is too damn funny not to show again.  I guess the good news for the Clippers is that they got rid of the racist part of "crazy racist owner".

Movie Trailer Review - Edge of Tomorrow

This is not a review of the trailer, but a review of this movie based entirely on this movie's trailer.  I have a special talent of being able to figure out whether a movie will be any good based just on the trailer and I'm finally putting that talent to good use.  Screw you, it's a real talent.

Edge of Tomorrow

I don't know what to make of this movie other than it is Groundhog Day, War of the Worlds, and the mech suit scene from the 3rd Matrix all wrapped up in one.  I guess my problem with this thing is that Tom Cruise hasn't put out a great movie in a long time, depending on how you felt about the 4th Mission: Impossible, which I felt was decent, but not great.  Seriously, after looking at his IMDB page, the last great movie he was in might have been Jerry Maguire and that was nearly 20 years ago.  In other words, this thing doesn't really stand a chance.

As for the trailer, it definitely makes this movie look interesting.  In fact, it kind of looks cool.  At least it's a more original concept from some the crap Hollywood has been pumping out lately.  The fight scenes look really cool, but they build the "There is no way we can win this thing" angle too much and I hate when they do that.  We all know the good guys will win, that's how movies work.  Also, I am a big Emily Blunt fan, I think it's the accent, but she's not enough for me to want to see this thing.  So, should you go see this movie in the theater?  It depends on how bored and/or hot it this weekend.  I've heard it's pretty decent, so if it's super hot outside this weekend, go blow a couple bucks to sit inside in an air conditioned theater and if it does suck, just take a nap in the cool air.

Estimated Opening Weekend Box Office Gross - $40 million +

What Kind of Fart This Movie Will Resemble:

The Ghost Fart - A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 18

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• How exactly did Martha and Johnathan Kent explain where they suddenly got a new kid from?  It's a small town, people would have known if they were adopting well before it happened.
• Is it possible to be good at Family Feud?
• Did you now that Ryan Gosling and Macaulay Culkin are the same age?  Yup, they are both 34.
• What did I sign up for that makes someone keep sending me Russian Bride spam emails?
• Remember this the next time you are buying spaghetti sauce - it's Rag-ewww and Pre-Gooooo!
• The Kentucky Derby has way too much TV coverage for an event that only lasts a couple of minutes.
• What do you call people who can use the Force but don't become a Jedi?  I really want to know but don't want to look it up.
• It would suck to be a painting in the Harry Potter universe unless that painting was of an orgy.
• It angers me that I find Mark Wahlberg entertaining.  It angers me even more that I find Two and a Half Men funny.
• It's kind of weird that I can no longer drive to a Blockbuster and rent a movie or more importantly, a video game.
• I dare you to watch the movie Frozen and not get that "Let It Go" song stuck in your head for three days.  I double dare you.
• 1)  Magic Johnson announced he had HIV in 1991.  Is there a cure for HIV that no one has bothered to tell me about?  2)  Has Magic had sex since 1991 knowing he has HIV?
• Below is a picture of Patrick Stewart from the 80's.  He hasn't aged a day!  Is he a Highlander?

"I swear I wrote this before Stephen Colbert pointed this out on his show a couple of weeks ago."

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Keanu Reeves

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Keanu Reeves

Top 5

Ted, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - There are rumors that they are making a third Bill and Ted movie.  Hollywood truly is desperate if they think they can bring back these classic characters nearly 25 years after their last movie.  Either way, I did love this movie.
Neo, The Matrix - I've always felt that if you watch the first movie and then skip the last half of the 2nd one and the first half of the 3rd one, then the trilogy isn't that bad.  Sadly, they had two movies worth of material and stretched it into three movies because they got greedy.
Shane Falco, The Replacements - Keanu playing a quarterback for the 2nd time in his career?  Yup, and somehow it worked again.  Is this movie cheesy?  You know it.  Is it still somehow entertaining?  Somehow.  Also, whatever happened to the actress who played the love interest?  She was hot and yet we never saw her again.
Jack Traven, Speed - This movie had one of the dumbest premises ever and it still worked.  I have yet to figure out how it worked, but it did.  Sadly, Hollywood still tries to pull off stupid crap like this all the time and fails each time.
Johnny Utah, Point Break - Did you know that they are remaking this movie?  And the guy they have playing the part of Johnny Utah is some dude I have never heard of and when I looked at his IMDB page, I noticed he was on a show called Dance Academy.  What?!?

Bottom 5

Alex Wyler, The Lake House - A sappy romantic movie featuring the stars of Speed including a magic mailbox, how did this get made?
Kevin Lomax, The Devil's Advocate - It was the terrible Southern accent that really did this movie in.  The good news is that we got to see Charlize Theron naked.
Johnathon Harker, Dracula - Who thought it would be a good idea to cast Keanu in this movie?  I really want to know and I also want to know if that person never worked in the industry again, because they shouldn't have ever been allowed to cast a movie again.
Johnny Mnemonic, Johnny Mnemonic - The name of this movie alone qualifies it for this part of the list alone.
Eddie Kaselivich, Chain Reaction - They expected us to believe that Ted from Bill and Ted was a genius physics student?  Hahahahahahaha!

Brainfart's Crush of the Month - June

At the beginning of every month, we here at Brainfart will be bringing you our Brainfart Crush of the Month!  Sometimes it will be someone you have heard of, sometimes it will be just a random hottie you may have seen before, and sometimes it might be my neighbor.  Who knows!  Let's see who we picked this month:

This is Hottie McDragonQueen, I mean, Emilia Clark.  You know her as Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons on Game of Thrones.  You knew there was no way that she wouldn't eventually get this honor, she is super hot.  What else is there to say about her other than it still shocks me that she used to date Family Guy creator, Seth MacFarlane.  Congratulations, Emilia for winning this prestigious honor.

2014 Maxim Hot 100

Just like I did last year, I felt like somebody needed to scrutinize this year's Maxim Hot 100.  However, I am going to admit right away that Maxim did a lot better job this year than they did last year.  This year, the number one spot is occupied by a model named Candice Swanepoel (pictured below) who, in my opinion, is actually worthy of the top spot unlike last year.  Seriously, Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez were the top two, I still don't know what they were taking when they decided on that.  Anyways, here is my Underrated/Overrated list for this year which I did put in some sort of order...you'll figure it out.  And oddly enough, the top spot for both Underrated and Overrated are the same two people (I said people b/c I believe one of them is a dude).  Let's do this:

Top 5 Underrated

• 43) Kate Beckinsale - Did you know she is 41?  For a 41 year old, she still looks damn fine and it's a shame that she is ranked this low.
• 74) Jill Wagner - I'm going to be honest, I have a huge crush on Jill.  She is one of the hosts of that wacky obstacle course game show, Wipeout, and frankly, I think I love her.  Therefore, her being ranked 74th is a crime.
• 61) Amber Heard - Amber actually dropped a couple spots from last year and I don't know why.  She's insanely hot!  I guess it's the fact that she is dating Johnny Depp that is hurting her ranking.
• 84) Gal Gadot - I recently watched Fast & Furious 6 (and am ashamed to say I enjoyed it) in which Gal plays Gisele.  I couldn't take my eyes off of her, she's gorgeous.  Next up, she will be playing Wonder Woman in the Batman v. Superman movie.  Solid choice in my book, bad choice by Maxim.
• 49) Emilia Clarke - Hottie McDragonQueen from Game of Thrones is insane hot and it's a shame that she only moved up to 49th this year.  She should easily by in the Top 10.

Top 10 Overrated

• 20) Kaley Cuoco - I love The Big Bang Theory, but I've never thought that Kaley was Top 20 hot.  She should have made the list, but definitely not this high.
• 19) Selena Gomez - She still looks like a 12 year old and that is creepy and therefore we should not be calling her hot unless we all want to end up on some sort of list that makes us inform our neighbors that we live nearby.
• 21) Beyonce - I don't see the appeal.  I never have and I never will.
• 6) Zooey Deschanel - She's cute, but hot?  Meh.  And they ranked her 6th?!?  Are they insane?  Short answer - yes.
• 3) Katy Perry - Is it the boobs?  That's the only reason she could possibly be this high.  They are some really nice boobs, but that shouldn't give her the number 3 spot on this list.
• 52) Jordana Brewster - I used to think Jordana was really hot, but today, she looks like a skeleton wrapped in skin.  Kind of gross if you ask me.
• 25) Miley Cyrus - I still can't figure out if Miley is even hot.  I guess in that "Crazy Eyed Wild Child" kind of hot, but even then, I don't know.  At least they didn't give her the top spot again this year.
• 15) Christina Aguilera - They do realize that this list is meant for this year and not 1998?  Seriously, just click on that link, she's, ummmm, quite chubby in 2014.  How is she in the Top 15?
• 36) Jennifer Lopez - I can't stand Jennifer Lopez.  Maybe it's because she almost ruined Ben Affleck's career, but most likely it's because she just comes off as the biggest bitch in the world.
• 31) Leah Michele - Damn it, people.  How did she move up the list this year?!?  I'm still not convinced that Leah is a not a dude.

Honorable Mention:  

• NR) Kim Kardashian - This made me smile.  America finally got their shit together and banished this hooker (definition - a woman who bangs men for money, which Kim most certainly does) from the list.  Thank you, America.

"I use one of those shuffle features for my desktop and this picture has been in the mix for quite some time, so I guess I'm not surprised that she got the top spot this year considering I've been looking at her fine self for quite some time."