Weekly Picks of the Week - Bowl Games Part Two

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on BCS Standings
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

Capital One Bowl
#7 Georgia Bulldogs v. #16 Nebraska Cornhuskers (+9)

Florida Citrus Bowl, Orlando
Tue. Jan. 1
1:00
ABC

Outback Bowl
#10 South Carolina Gamecocks (-5.5) v. #18 Michigan Wolverines

Raymond James Stadium, Tampa
Tue. Jan. 1
1:00
ESPN

Rose Bowl
Wisconsin Badgers (+6) v. #6 Stanford Cardinal

Rose Bowl, Pasadena
Tue. Jan. 1
5:00
ESPN

Discover Orange Bowl
#15 Northern Illinois Huskies (+13.5) v. #12 Florida State Seminoles

Sun Life Stadium, Miami
Tue. Jan. 1
8:30
ESPN

Allstate Sugar Bowl
#21 Louisville Cardinals v. #3 Florida Gators (-14)

Superdome, New Orleans
Wed. Jan. 2
8:30
ESPN

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
#4 Oregon Ducks (-9) v. #5 Kansas State Wildcats

University of Phoenix Stadium, Glendale
Thur. Jan. 3
8:30
ESPN

AT&T Cotton Bowl
#9 Texas A&M v. #11 Oklahoma Sooners (+3)

Cowboys Stadium, Arlington
Fri. Jan. 4
8:00
FOX

Discover BCS National Championship
#2 Alabama Crimson Tide v. #1 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (+9.5)

Sun Life Stadium, Miami
Mon. Jan. 7
8:30
ESPN

-2014 can't get here soon enough (that is if we didn't all perish last week like the Mayans said we would).  In 2014, Division 1-A (aka FBS) college football starts their four-team playoff and it's about damn time.  Now, while I think a four-team playoff is a step in the right direction, I find it funny that it is still really lacking compared to every other level of football in all of America.  Do you know what the NFL, Division 1-AA, Division II, Division III, and high school football all have in common?  They all have a playoff system in place in which at least 12 teams compete to determine their champion.  In other words, "Big Boy" college football is the only level of football at which there is no playoff.  The ONLY one.  So a four-team playoff is a good start but equally as baffling that it took this long to happen.  But let's look at it another way.  In the NFL, 12 of the 32 teams make the playoffs which equals roughly 38% of the total teams being able to play for the chance to win the Super Bowl.  However, when this four-team playoff starts, that means that only 4 of the 124 teams (or 3%) will have a chance to play for the National Championship.  Sure, some people will argue that in a playoff system the best team in the league isn't always the winner, but the same thing happens during March Madness every year and no complains and that tournament starts with 68 teams in the same single-elimination format.  What I'm really trying to say is that we would not only have had a playoff system in college football way earlier but a much better playoff system in place by now if it weren't for the fact that these pointless bowls hadn't existed for so long and had entrenched themselves in football tradition for so long and some old fat rich white guys weren't trying to cock-block a playoff system for so long.  Damn you, old fat rich guys for keeping these stupid bowls alive for way too long and not starting a more meaningful system of determining our National Champion!

Bowl Record to Date: 1-3

"And here is a picture of hot chick that kind of relates to football.  You're welcome."

Stupid State Laws - Michigan

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Michigan

"Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony."

Holy crap.  I guess we should first address the fact that it is apparently legal for a 12 year old to own a fucking gun in Michigan.  I'm pretty sure that if you are not of age to be able to drink let alone vote, you should definitely not be allowed to own a gun.  Second, I didn't even know a minor could even be convicted of a felony.  I could see a stupid teenager committing a felony, but a 12 year old?  No way.  This law truly amazes me on so many levels that I don't even know to say.

"Please tell me this a real weapon and please tell me that a kid in Michigan owns one."

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular - Week 16

Because we here at Brainfarts love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

New York Jets at Buffalo Bills (-3)

Sunday 1:00

-Sanchez gets his chance to disappoint us again and Chan Gailey is too worried about his job to realize he is giving Spiller the ball 20 times. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Atlanta Falcons (- 3.5)

Sunday 1:00

-With a bye week in the first round of the playoffs, I don't think the Falcons will want their starters to rest very much.  Plus I have a feeling that even with their backups for a half, the Falcons can hang on against the Bucs. 

Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints (-5)

Sunday 1:00

-  The Saints locked up their coach for the next five years.  I bet Goodell even let him talk with Brees which is bad news for the Panthers.  The Saints defense has been unexpectedly good and they should be able to put this game all on Cam's shoulders.  He will do well but not well enough.

Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers (OVER 39)
Sunday  4:30

-  This number is just a little too low.  Kaepernick as been fine leading the offense and should score 21 at least.  On the other side, the Cardinals are so horrible they might be good because Hoyer (who?) should turn the ball over a lot and hopefully even deep in his own territory or throw a pick-six.

Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins (Over 49)

Sunday 8:00

-Romo has quietly been going crazy for Dallas lately.  He is also a perfect "over" quarterback because he either throws great TDs or terrble INTs - both of which lead to points.  On the other side, RG3 will be RG3. 

Pittsburgh Steelers (-6) at Cleveland Browns

Sunday  1:00

- Thaddeus Lewis is starting at QB for the Browns.  He is their 3rd string QB.  He is from Duke. 

Last Week's Results: 1-4

Season Results: 33-39-2

Random Movie Trivia - Spaceballs

Alright, it's official, Random Movie Trivia is now a weekly post, so enjoy the latest edition:

Spaceballs

• Mel Brooks's character's name President Skroobs is an anagram of his last name.
• After finishing the script, Mel Brooks sent it to George Lucas because he thought he might be offended, but because Lucas liked Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein, he gave his consent.
• The scene where Dark Helmet is playing with his dolls was not in the script and Mel Brooks came up with it on set and had Rick Moranis improvise the entire thing.
• John Candy was the one who operated the tail of his Barf costume by using a hidden control in his paw and each of his ears were controlled by two separate people.
• Because of a Fair-Use Agreement between Mel Brooks and George Lucas, no Spaceballs merchandise actually exists.  Personally, I find that pretty lame because I so would have rocked a Spaceballs flamethrower.
• When Lonestar says he is from somewhere in the "Ford Galaxy", it is not only a reference to a car that used to be manufactured by Ford, but it is also a reference to the character Lonestar was based on, aka Han Solo played by Harrison Ford.
• The names of the Dinks are Rinky Dink, Blinky Dink, Stinky Dink, Pinky Dink, Finky Dink, and Winky Dink.  Also, one of the actors who played one of the Dinks was also an Ewok in Return of the Jedi.
• While playing the part of Yogurt, Mel Brooks developed a terrible rash due to the gold-colored makeup.
• Rick Moranis came up with the idea of lowering his voice every time he put down the visor of his Dark Helmet helmet in order to sound more like James Earl Jones's Darth Vader.
• The scene were the Megamaid sucks the atmosphere off the Druidian mountain is a spoof of the Paramount logo.
• Along with Caddyshack II, Big, and Beetlejuice, Spaceballs is one of the only PG-rated movies to drop an F-bomb without getting a PG-13 rating.

"I definitely would have taken this thing to show-and-tell."

Why Isn't This Standard - TV Music Channels

What better background for the holidays than some nice soothing Christmas music.  For those that don't want to hook up some speakers or aren't good with gadgets, the best way to do that is through the music channels on most every cable provider.  You have accidentally put in the wrong channel before and stumbled upon them and then scrolled through the selection - there are tons, Comcast has 45!  They have some set year-round but they do change some of them depending on what is popular or what season it is.  For Christmas, they should have four or five channels, an oldies, newer, all covers, classic songs, etc.  Hell, they could even go with Country Christmas, Pop Christmas, Rock Christmas, etc.  But no - there is ONE Christmas channel - out of 45!  Radio Stations do research on this stuff and all of those bastards play Christmas music starting at Thanksgiving.  Take a hint cable - more holiday music.  I would argue if you have 45 music channels you should have a Christmas music one year round.  Why not, that has to get more views than the 8th Mexican pop station.  Get it together cable - I expect more out of you next year.

"Keep it classic."

Owen Wilson

When you think of the actor Owen Wilson, what is the first thing that pops into your mind?  If you were thinking about his suicide attempt, then you are weird.  If you are normal, then you were probably thinking about his many comedy movies like Wedding Crashers, Zoolander, or even Cars.  But have you ever looked at his IMDB page before?  His first movie role was in a small comedy that starred his brother, Luke, called Bottle Rocket, but then his next big part was in Anaconda.  Yeah, that terrible movie about a giant snake and Jennifer Lopez's giant ass.  Then he was in the epic Michael Bay/Ben Affleck flick, Armageddon (P.S. his character died).  Next up was a movie called The Minus Man about a serial killer and the second billed person in the movie was Sheryl Crow (I have never heard of this and I'm assuming it is because it co-starred Sheryl Crow).  And don't forget about The Haunting, that horror (?) movie with Liam Neeson and Catherine Zeta-Jones (another movie where his character dies).  What a strange start to a career for a guy who is know for his comedic chops.  I can honestly say that I can't think of another actor who was in such a strange mix of movies before someone finally realized that that actor was funny and should probably star in movies about male modeling or guys who boink bridesmaids.

"You can read minds?!?"

Merry Christmas

I didn't feel like writing anything for today, so here is a funny picture I found instead:

NOKW - Die Another Day

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Die Another Day

Basic Plot:  The last and (by far) worst of the Pierce Bronson James Bond movies.  In this edition, 007 fights some British dude who used to be an Asian dude and his buddy with a diamond-encrusted face.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Pierce Bronson doesn't have any real dialogue in the entire movie, he basically only says a witty one-liner followed by an action scene, then another one-liner and action scene, and then rinse and repeat throughout the whole movie.  The fact that a North Korean army base just so happened to have a hovercraft when a hovercraft might be the worst military vehicle in history to own.  The fact that they thought an invisible car would be cool and not just stupid.  The fact that the bad guy was an Asian guy who got plastic surgery to make him look British and somehow was also able to mask his Asian accent perfectly.  The fact that the bad guy's plan was to destroy South Korea with a giant space laser and never thought that the rest of world would just blow him up for not only owning the giant space laser but also for invading another country.  The fact that no one bothers to shot the bad guy's plane out of the air way sooner than they finally did during the final fight scene.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Halle Berry can't escape from her room while trapped in an ice hotel that is melting all around her.  Think about that.  She is in an ice hotel and the whole thing is melting around her and she is trapped in her room.  Hell, not only can't she get out, but the room is filling up with water so there has to be a hole somewhere in the room that she could squeeze through.  And sure, they show her throw a chair against the door and that doesn't break it, but do you know what else that room had?  Fucking windows.  Even then, the whole damn hotel is melting and her door is the only thing not melting.  Did she never think to just try one of the melting walls?  No.  What a stupid plot device.  In the end, she had to wait until James bust through the door with a fucking car in order to escape.  I am not okay with that.

"And she didn't even think to use her big beautiful fake boobs to bash that door down."

Stupid State Laws - Massachusetts

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Massachusetts

"At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches."

What I love about this law is that it quite possibly might have been made very recently, mostly due to the fact that America is becoming fatter and someone had to find a way to put a stop to it and this is what they came up with.  In fact, it's genius.  Other than Thanksgiving, what other time is it okay to eat a lot and no one will call you a fatso?  The answer is obviously when in mourning.  So, a skinny lawmaker who was tired of seeing fat people riding around on Rascals at Walmart came up with the perfect solution.  Now, if only that same lawmaker could figure out a way to outlaw Big Gulps and the KFC Double Down and he might finally solve the "Fat America" problem.

"That better only be your second sandwich, Big Sully or I'm calling the cops."

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular - Week 16

Because we here at Brainfarts love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Oakland Raiders (+8.5) at Carolina Panthers

Sunday 1:05

- I know the Raiders are bad but how good are the Panthers?  I feel like they shouldn't be a 8.5 point favorite over anyone.  The Raiders do have McFadden back so hopefully that will help them avoid a crazy shootout.

Buffalo Bills (+4.5) at Miami Dolphins

Sunday 1:05

- The Dolphins are another team that shouldn't be this big of a favorite against anyone, much less the Bills who are far from good but do have some weapons on their offense.  This game will still be low scoring - the Dolphins haven't scored over 24 in almost 2 months, making it even harder for the Fins to win by much if any.

New England Patriots (-14.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Sunday 1:05

- The Jags are horrible on top of horrible.  This may be a sucker bet but I am walking right into that trap.  If the Jags were 14 point underdogs every game this year they would be 6-7-1 against the spread - and they don't play the Pats every week.  Lately they have lost to the Bills by 16, lost to the Jets by 7, and lost to Miami by 21.  Yikes.  The Patriots defense will be out for some redemption after last week's 49ers game and Brady could sleepwalk into 35 points.

New Orleans Saints (+2.5) at Dallas Cowboys

Sunday 1:05

- It appears no one is going to stop the Saints offense.  Dallas has played much better lately and are clinging to playoff hopes.  I think Romo choking at the end plus Dez dropping lots of passes will let the Saints escape with a win.  Winner gets Sean Payton.

Last Week's Results: 0-3

Season Results: 32-35-2

James Bond Could-Have-Been's

I did a recent Random Movie Trivia post about Batman Begins and in that post, I gave you a rundown on all of the different actors who were considered to play the role of the Caped Crusader.  Those actors included Keanu Reeves and Ashton Kutcher which would have taken the franchise in a totally different direction had they been chosen.  Well, that got me to thinking, what other iconic roles would have been radically changed had they gone with a different actor then the one who ultimately won the role?  For this post and that role, I picked James Bond.  Over the course of 23 movies, five different actors have played the suave British spy, but that character could have gone to a multitude of different actors.  Let's take a look:

• Richard Burton - I know two things about him, he is British and he was married to Elizabeth Taylor a couple of times (and sadly, I only know that b/c of the recent Lindsay Lohan movie).
• Cary Grant - if you were to ask me to name the Top 10 actors before 1950, I would only be able to come up with this guy, so he probably would have been a pretty good pick for Bond.
• Adam West - yup, Batman was up for the part of James Bond and one of two Americans on this list.
• James Brolin - the other American on the list and the only thing I know about him is he is the father of Josh Brolin, the actor who played young Agent K in the newest Men in Black movie.
• Sam Neill - this Irish actor from the Jurassic Park flicks probably would have done a good job as Jimmy Bond.
• Mel Gibson - I was just as shocked as you when I saw he was considered for the role and I still can't convince myself that whoever thought of him for the role wasn't drunk at the time.
• Liam Neeson - love this guy, but there is no way you could hide that Irish accent of his.
• Hugh Grant - what the casting department was thinking on this one, I will never know.
• Lambert Wilson - the only Frenchmen up for the role and you know him best as The Merovingian from The Matrix movies.
• Hugh Jackman - Wolverine might have been a pretty good choice, but after playing Wolverine, there is no way I could take it seriously.
• Idris Elba - mostly recently seen in Prometheus and Thor, he is the only black guy who was considered and this Brit would have been great if not for the whole being black thing (no racist).
• Julian McMahon - known for the role of Dr. Christian Troy on Nip/Tuck, this Aussie actor probably would have done a great job as James Bond.
• Dominic West - this British actor who played McNulty on The Wire might have worked but was a little too unknown to get the part.
• Gerard Butler - like Sean Connery, he had the Scottish accent that might have worked for the part but after his dip into romantic comedies, I wouldn't take him seriously as Bond.
• Sam Worthington - this Brit would have been a good choice but he was still three years away from his star role in Avatar and no one knew who he was yet when Casino Royale came out.
• Alex O'Loughlin - he is the guy that is not Tweeter on the new Hawaii Five-O.  Enough said.
• Henry Cavill - the current Superman might have been a little too young when he auditioned, but I guess it worked out b/c he has gone on to play one of the greatest superheros of all-time.
• Jude Law - while I actually like this British actor, he just doesn't seem "tough" enough to play James Bond.
• Eric Bana - remember when this Aussie had a career?  Me neither.

Out of all of those guys, I would say the best alternate choice would have been Liam Neeson and I bet he would have won the part if his accent wasn't so thick.  And out of all of those guys, I would say that Hugh Grant would have been the strangest pick only because Hugh Grant is the complete opposite of James Bond.  While he might be "charming", he would have failed at playing a convincing spy.  In the end, I think that the actors that did up winning the part worked out (even George Lazenby), so I can't say that I have any complaints about who didn't end up playing James Bond.  Good job for once, Hollywood.

"The name is Man, Bat Man......I mean Bond, James Bond."

Weekly Picks of the Week - Bowl Games Part One

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on BCS Standings
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

MAACO Bowl Las Vegas
Washington Huskies (+5) v. #19 Boise St. Broncos
Sam Boyd Stadium, Las Vegas

Sat. Dec. 22
3:30
ESPN

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl
Baylor Bears v. #17 UCLA Bruins (Pick)

Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego
Thurs. Dec. 27
9:45
ESPN

Russell Athletic Bowl
Rutgers Scarlet Knights (+2.5) v. Virginia Tech Hokies

Florida Citrus Bowl, Orlando
Fri. Dec. 28
5:30
ESPN

Valero Alamo Bowl
#23 Texas Longhorns v. #13 Oregon State Beavers (-2)

Alamodome, San Antonio
Sat. Dec. 29
6:45
ESPN

Hyundai Sun Bowl
USC Trojans v. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (+10)

Sun Bowl, El Paso
Mon. Dec. 31
2:00
CBS

Chick-fil-a Bowl
#8 LSU Tigers (-4) v. #14 Clemson Tigers

Georgia Dome, Atlanta
Mon. Dec. 31
7:30

-Alright, it's Bowl Season and there is only one thing I have to say about that - Boring.  I think I have discussed this before (I looked it up and I have), but it bears repeating, bowl games are nothing but glorified exhibition games and the outcome of those games give no real representation of the level of play of the represented teams......other than in the one game that matters - the National Championship Game and that isn't even technically a bowl game.  If you watch a bowl game, you see a game where generally one team cares to be there and competes and another team that is there because the players get a free gift card to Best Buy and could care less about playing.  How else do you explain Boise State beating Oklahoma in the 2001 Fiesta Bowl?  Because Boise State was actually better than the Sooners?  Laughable.  It was because Boise State was pumped to be playing in their first (stupid) BCS Bowl and Oklahoma couldn't care less that they were playing in another (stupid) BCS Bowl against an inferior opponent.  It's the same reasoning as to why I wouldn't be surprised if Northern Illinois upsets Florida State in the Orange Bowl or Louisville upsets Florida in the Sugar Bowl.

Also, why in the hell are there so many bowl games anyways?  We currently have 35 bowls.  That means that 70 of the 124 FBS teams play in the "post-season".  So, how exactly can you say that playing in a bowl game means anything when nearly two-thirds of the FBS is in the "post-season"?  In fact, there have been 19 new bowl games created in the past two decades meaning that the number of teams that play in the "post-season" has more than doubled since Encino Man came out.  Does a team truly feel special when they play in a bowl game after going 6-6 (or 6-7 in Georgia Tech's case)?  Basically, college football has figured out a way of awarding Participation Medals to its teams.  You know, kind of like how parents give trophies to all of their kids whether they are actually good or if they are crappy and unalthletic just so the crappy kids don't get their feelings hurt.  Come on, that's pathetic.  The solution is to either cut the number of bowl games in half so that they mean something again or finally admit that bowls are pointless money grabs for a handful of old white guys.

-Lastly, I finished the season with a losing week (2-4) and it was because the underdogs covered in all but one of the Conference Championship Games and obviously my picks were for the favorites.  In any case, my bowl picks are going to be independent of my regular season picks because bowl games are such a crap shoot and picking which team is actually going to show up to compete is harder than Jerry Sandusky at a children's Christmas pageant (I had to get one more Jerry Sandusky joke in before the end of the season).  Anyways, I finished the season with an overall winning record, so I have that going for me.

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend Said:

(Okay, I know that that isn't a sign from the most recent College Gameday, but you have to admit that picture is glorious.  However, I did see a sign that made me laugh, it said "Go Dwags!".)

Last Week's Results: 2-4
Season Results: 49-38

Zombie Apocalypse

In a zombie movie, I've never figured out how it is possible for the zombies to be able to multiply fast enough in order to take over the whole world.  Look at it this way, the Black Plague supposedly started in Asia and spread to and was able to wipe out most of Europe, but do you know how long it took for that to happen?  Over a decade.  Another good example is the more deadly but lesser known 1918 Flu Pandemic.  That virus killed between 20 and 50 million people and spread all over the world including the Arctic and remote Pacific islands, but it still took many years to do so.  However, when it comes to zombie movies, the zombie plague seems to be able to overtake the world in a matter of months.  But how?  Sure, you could point out that the modern world has faster transportation like cars and airplanes, but that doesn't take into account that airports have insane security measures and you know TSA isn't going to let some dude who looks like he is on his deathbed onto a plane.  Plus someone infected while driving wouldn't make it very far (b/c according to the bible of zombie books, The Zombie Survival Guide, it doesn't take more than a couple of hours for it to take effect) before they eventually turn into a brain-eating monster.  And don't forget, that zombie will probably be trapped in their car because they are a stupid brain-eating monster.

On top of that, can you think of the most recent deadly outbreaks that struck somewhere in the world?  Ebola?  Swine flu?  Do you remember those spreading all over the planet and killing millions of people?  No, because we have something called the Center for Disease Control that is specifically designed to prevent such outbreaks.  So, if a zombie virus were to come about you know that the CDC would be all over that shit and shut down those slow moving bastards before they ever have the chance to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting public.  Which brings me back to my initial point, how is it possible for a bunch of slow, easy head-shot targets to take over the world when they wouldn't even be able get out of their own town before some government agency rolls up and quarantines the whole place?  They wouldn't.  Which I guess is the reason most zombie movies have to say that an evil corporation spread it worldwide, but even then, where in the hell is the profit in that?  Do they have a cure to sell?  Maybe, but what good is a cure for a bunch of undead customers?  It's not.  They're already dead.

"This is the only way the zombie virus could spread worldwide and I'm fairly certain that that plane would never make it off the ground with a dude stumbling around biting people."

Tom Cruise

Have you ever actually looked at Tom Cruise's smile?  And no, I'm not talking about in a gay way or anything because he is what you would call good-looking.  I'm talking about how his entire mouth is, well, off center.  Just look at that thing:

Yeah, his teeth are all sorts of fucked up and it's a wonder he ever broke into Hollywood in the first place.  Not only is he pretty short (5'7) but he also has the most off-kilter smile I have ever seen.  My only guess is that it was a lot easier to break into the business back in the 80's.  Then again, did you know his real name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV?  So, you can only assume he comes from some serious money with a name like that and his family was probably able to buy his way into acting despite those goofy teeth.  Oh, and in case you were wondering, this is what Tom looked like when he was younger:

NOKW - The Bourne Identity

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Bourne Identity

Basic Plot:  Jason Bourne's first movie where he tries to figure out who he is, bangs a hot chick, does some awesome driving stunts, and shoots/beats up a lot of people.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that getting shot in the back somehow causes amnesia.  The fact that Treadstone keeps sending just one guy to go after their best agent ever and thinking that will get the job done.  The fact that Bourne is able to outrun the police in the crappiest car imaginable.  The fact that Bourne tells the head of Treadstone to come alone to their meeting but anyone with crappy eyesight could have seen he was wearing a wire in his ear and that there were way too many suspicious bystanders murking about.  The fact that it took Treadstone three hours to wipe clean their computers when they were trying to shutdown shop in Paris.  The fact that falling down ten flights of stairs doesn't injure Jason Bourne more than just slowing him down for a couple of seconds.  The fact that the hot chick finally settles down, creates a new life for herself, and opens up a successful shop on the sea and she has no problems throwing that all away the instant Jason shows up and seems okay with going on the run for the rest of her life as evidenced by the start of the sequel.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Jason Bourne is the only Treadstone agent stationed in Europe that doesn't look like he could actually be from the country he is stationed in.  Throughout the movie, you are introduced to a bunch of the other Treadstone agents who are stationed in Europe and each and every one of them looks like they could blend into a crowd in the respective country in which they operate.  However, Matt Damon's character is the French agent and he looks about as French as Jackie Chan.  Sure, you could say that maybe after losing his memory he forgets about speaking in French.  The problem is that we know that's not the case because he goes back to his apartment in Paris and talks to his landlady in English and she doesn't seem surprised by that nor asks why he is suddenly American.  The German agent looks German, the British agent looks British, the Spanish agent looks Spanish, but the French agent (aka Jason Bourne) looks like he just stepped off the streets of Boston and Treadstone never thought to pick a better agent for his posting.  I am not okay with that.

"This is what a French guy should look like."

Stupid State Laws - Maryland

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Baltimore, Maryland

"It's illegal to take a lion to the movies."

What in the name of stupid ideas!  Okay, even if you just so happened to own a lion and if that lion just so happened to obedient enough to take into a public place, why in the hell would you think it would be a good idea to take it to a movie?  You know, a dark place that will be filled with human meat bags and a place where a lion will have to sit for a couple of hours thinking about nothing but eating said meat bags.  In fact, this may be one of the few stupid laws that I am okay with only because I don't want to have to go to the new Olivia Wilde flick and sit next to a lion that probably wants to eat my face.  So for once, thank you lawmakers, you finally got one correct, give yourself a pat on the back.

"Hell, as soon as this comes on the screen, you know that lion is going to freak out and starting mauling people and I'm glad that it is illegal for this to happen....at least it is in Baltimore."

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 15

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Seattle Seahawks at Buffalo Bills (in Toronto) (UNDER 43)

Sunday 4:05

- The Seahawks are coming off of a dominating defensive performance - my only hope is that the turnovers this week aren't returned for TDs.  The Bills defense has come together somewhat as of late and Chan Gailey still refuses to give the ball to his best player C.J. Spiller.  Throw in a crowd that doesn't care a lot about either team and you have all the makings of a stinker.

Detroit Lions (-6.5) at Arizona Cardinals

Sunday 4:10

- The last thing you want after getting beat 58-0 is to have to play at home.  That is what the Cardinals get this week.  Detroit is not anything special but Lindell is starting for the Cardinals so history suggests that he will give the Lions 7 points and he won't score more than 14ish - so can the Lions score 14 points?  I think so.

San Francisco 49ers at New England Patriots (UNDER 46.5)

Sunday 8:20

- Huge Sunday night game.  The 49ers defense is the perfect defense to disrupt Brady with penetration from the front four.  San Francisco's offense has not been great under Kaepernick - he has made explosive plays but hasn't shown much consistency.  There is also an 80% chance of rain with temperatures under 40.

Last Week's Results: 3-0-0

Season Results: 32-32-2

Actors Who Play Teenagers

I always find it hilarious when Hollywood tries to cast high school-themed movies or TV shows.  They always seem to cast an actor or actress who looks like they are a teenager but in reality, they are actually closer to 30 than they are 20.  The best example is the original Beverly Hills 90210.  Gabrielle Carteris (she played Andrea) was 29 years old when that show started which meant she was 39 when the show ended, you know, a show about kids in high school and yet she would have attended her 20th High School Reunion by the time that show finally over.  Hell, Luke Perry was 25 when that show kicked off.  You would think that Hollywood would have figured out a way to fix this ridiculousness, but no.  So, here are some more modern and hilarious ages of actors or actresses on high school-themed shows and movies (and no, I will not be checking every cast member of each show, just the ones that I know are way older than the character they portray):

Glee

• Lea Michelle - this manly-looking woman was already 23 when Glee's pilot hit the air and is now 27 playing a college freshman (I think that's right, I'm basing that off of the commercials, I swear).
• Cory Monteith - I assume he plays a gay guy and he was 27 during the first season.
• Mark Salling - another 27 year old (presumably gay dude).

Friday Night Lights

• Taylor Kitsch - the awesome Tim Riggins was a 25 year old playing a 16 or 17 year old.
• Zach Gilford - he was 24 while portraying a sophomore back-up quarterback.
• Minka Kelly - the hot high school cheerleader was already 26 in the first season.
• Scott Porter - you know, the guy who was paralyzed in the first episode was a 27 year old senior.

The O.C.

• Ben McKenzie - this troubled high schooler was cast with a 25 year old actor.
• Rachel Bilson - this hottie was 22 when the show kicked off.
• Adam Brody - the high school comic relief actor was 24 in the first season.

American Pie

• Shannon Elizabeth - an actress that needs to get naked more often was 26 in this high school comedy.
• Sean William Scott - Stifler was already 23 years old when cast in this movie.

Fired Up!

• Nicholas D'Agosto - this movie is actually funny despite being about a cheerleading camp, also this actor was 29 when he played a high school senior.
• Eric Christian Olsen - by far the worst offender of the group and the reason I made this post, he was already 32 years old and playing a teenager when this movie was made.

"Yeah, this guy played a high school kid only 3 years ago.  Shenanigans!!!"

The Heisman Trophy

Let me get a couple things off of my chest about this award.  Considering the Heisman Trophy is supposed to go to the best player in the college football each year, it still amazes me that the voters generally disregard that and just vote for the best player on the best team year after year.  I don't want to get into to many specifics, but if you can't tell, I think the Heisman Trophy has become irrelevant, kind of like Notre Dame football (oh wait, that trend seems to be over).  In any case, I was glad to see that the Heisman voters actually got the winner correct for the third year in a row.  Before these past three years, the voters seemed stuck in their ways with their voting philosophy, how else do you explain Mark Ingram winning in 2009 when Toby Gerhart and Ndamukong Suh were clearly better players?  And what about Eric Crouch winning in 2001?  The dude had more interceptions than touchdowns and Rex Grossman was by far the better player that season.  So it was refreshing to see the best player in the country win the award for the third year running.

And congratulations to Johnny Football (and I don't like this nickname, but I don't want to look up how to spell his last name).  However, I wish they would stop saying that he was the first freshman to win the award and how big of an accomplishment that is when he was in fact a redshirt freshman.  That means he was at least on the team for a year before becoming the starting quarterback.  And do you know who else won the Heisman after playing on their team for only one season?  Tim Tebow.  He was considered a sophomore when he won, but it wasn't like he saw significant playing time as a freshman, so he was basically a redshirt freshman when he won it.  That means that this is technically the second time a second year player has won the award and that Johnny Football's Heisman isn't as special as they are making it out to be.

Lastly, I wanted to talk the pointlessness of the coverage of the Heisman Trophy Ceremony.  Basically it is an hour-long puff piece about the nominees and the only part worth watching is the last five minutes when they reveal the (most likely wrong) winner.  Unless the Heisman Trophy is your favorite thing about college football, why in the hell would you watch the whole hour when all you really need to do is turn it on in the last couple of minutes to see who won?  Better yet, just continue watching HBO's Saturday night movie or another Two and a Half Men re-run and check the internet a couple of minutes after nine o'clock to see who won.  It's not like the winner somehow dictates the outcome of a game or anything.  So, here is my proposal to the Heisman people - if you want people to actually tune into your ceremony, announce the winner at a randomly different time each year.  That way if someone wants to see who won and generally just watches the last five minutes live, then they would have to watch the entire program because they wouldn't know when the announcement is going to be made.  Then again, that might make people even less likely to watch and more likely to just check out the online headlines later.

"While I think it's cool that Manti Te'O celebrates his Hawaiian heritage, I feel like he went a little overboard at the Heisman Ceremony this year.  Did he really need to wear a plant around his neck, too?"

A Christmas Irony

These times are times of irony.  Slapstick funny isn't funny.  Double meanings and ironic situations are funny - just ask Modern Family and Arrested Development.  This comedy has infiltrated society via t-shirts, the internet, songs, and more.  People even compete on Instagram to take the funniest most ironic pictures.  Given all that, why not extend it to the holidays?  Let's get ironic Christmas cards contest started!  We already have awkward family photos which bring joy to thousands every day, why can't you spread joy amongst your friends with some hilarious/awkward/ironic/creepy Christmas cards.  In a time in history where milking is a thing (where people pour a gallon of milk on their heads-that's it. Bam! - a million views!) surely this can turn into the biggest cool thing to do for a two-week period every year.  Don't forget to think about the future when you can embarrass your kids with ironic Christmas cards from the past.  Be a leader - start this year.  I'm so non-conformist I'm not going to conform with the non-conformists, I'll do it!

"Nailed it."

Book Review - Clovenhoof

Believe it or not, but I enjoy reading a good book now and again.  Anything from Vince Flynn to Ken Follett to Douglas Adams.  And speaking of Douglas Adams, I recently read a book that reminded me of his Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  That book is Clovenhoof by Heide Goody and Iain Grant and their book was hilarious and it had that same sense of humor that Douglas Adams conveyed in his wonderful Hitchhiker's Guide series.  For example, here is a line in the book - "Clovenhoof stopped a shelf-stacker with a left breast named Barbara".  I actually laughed out loud when I read that.  Anyways, the plot of the book is that Satan is fired from his job as that Prince of Darkness and is forced to retire to a small town in England and he loathes every minute of it.  And because he is Satan, he is a massive dick to everyone and doesn't understand even the most basic aspects of being a human, but has to learn quick because of his forced retirement.  Over the course of the book, he becomes infatuated with alcohol, learns to love credit cards, accidentally robs a bank, becomes a death metal star, and even gets a girlfriend.  Here are a couple of funny examples as to why I loved this book and as to why you should read it:

• When Satan is relocated to Earth, he is given the name Nicolas Clovenhoof and when asked if he liked it, he said the name was stupid and they might as well have called him Lou Cypher.  In the end, he picked the name Jeremy Clovenhoof but still hated that, too.
• He puts an unfinished drink on his mantle one day and leaves it there for a long time where it eventually starts to grow a mold.  When someone asks him what it is, he says "That's Herbert, he's my pet".
• Heaven conducts monthly management meetings which is attended by angels and various saints, and one of the funny things that the author does is portray that the minutes-keeper, Mother Teresa, is terribly at spelling. Trust me, it's funny.
• One of the characters works for a company called The Helping Hand Job Agency.
• During a Singles Night at a bar, Satan goes up to a woman and when asked what he did, he responded, "I like to weigh myself before and after I poo".

I'm telling you, those little snippets don't do the book justice, but they get my point across as to how funny this book really is and I highly suggest reading it.  You will thank me later.

NOKW - Robin Hood

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Basic Plot:  Robin Hood comes home to find his home burned to the ground and his father murdered at the hands of the evil Sheriff of Nottingham.  So he bands a group of vagrants together to help him overthrow Hans Gruber.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Kevin Costner abandons his pathetic attempt at a British accent fairly early on in the movie.  The fact that it seems okay for Professor Snape to murder a nobleman, oppress the shit out of his people, and ruthlessly run his land into the ground with zero repercussions from someone higher up than him on the Feudal System Chain.  The fact that a group of ruffians were able to hide in a forest so easily and were not found until someone betrayed them.  The fact that those same ruffians let some nobleman led their group especially when his only friend at that point was scary looking black wizard.  The fact that before the final battle, Little John was able to scale the wall of Nottingham Castle without being seen when two seconds later, they show guards patrolling the grounds.  The fact that when Robin and Morgan Freeman are catapulted into the Sheriff's castle, they just so happen to land on the only pile of hay in the whole place.  The fact that when King Richard (aka Sean Connery) rolls up at the end, he doesn't put Robin in jail for causing an uprising and killing a bunch of people even if it was to save Maid Marion.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the Sheriff was so obsessed with with getting married to Maid Marion instead of attempting to flee from an uprising.  That's right, Metatron (that's his character in Dogma) thought it would be a better idea to get married and bone right there in the chapel instead of escaping from an attack that was obviously not going in his favor.  Sure, men will do most anything to get some, but I'm pretty sure that his own life should have come first, then bumping uglies second.  But no, he let that crazy witch lady talk him into banging Marion and in all honesty, I'm still not entirely why sure she wanted this to happen in the first place.  Was it some sort of prophecy?  Did the witch just like seeing people do it?  Who the hell knows, but I do know that Doctor Lazarus (that would be his character in the underrated Galaxy Quest) should have gotten out of the middle of that uprising before he got his ass stabbed like he did.  I am not okay with that.

"Then again, this guy doesn't look  sane, so his actions shouldn't be held against him."

Stupid State Laws - Maine 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Maine

"You may not step out of a plane in flight."

After doing enough of these posts, I've come to the conclusion that humans are really really stupid.  Seriously, people.  If an airplane is in flight, why in the hell would you want to step out of the plane?  And if the answer is because you are so drunk that you think you have already landed, then lay off the booze.  And if it is because you are tripping your balls off, then don't take a hit of acid right before you board a flight.  It's called common sense, you stupid human race.  And for that matter, why would someone think they need to make this a law?  If someone is dumb enough to leave an airplane while in the air, I think they will be punished enough when they create a human-sized crater soon thereafter.

"Sir, you are going to have to return to your seat.  What do you mean this is your stop?  We are in flight, of course you can't leave now!  That's it, I'm calling my local bureaucrat."

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 14

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Atlanta Falcons at Carolina Panthers (+3.5)

Sunday 1:00

- The Falcons have been squeaking by everyone, even bad teams.  The Panthers played them close and should have won when they played them earlier in the year in Atlanta.  I think this game will stay close the whole game and who cares who gets the late game winning field goal.

Miami Dolphins at San Francisco 49ers (-10)

Sunday 4:10

- The Dolphins have been bad lately.  Now they lose their top offensive lineman Jake Long for the year just in time for the best defensive line in football to come calling.  The 49ers aren't going to take their foot off the gas to make sure Kaepernick is ready for stronger teams ahead.  To top it all off, the Dolphins go East Coast to West Coast which is never a good thing.

Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers (UNDER 50.5)

Sunday 8:35

- Possibly no Jordy Nelson. No James Starks.  No number 2 wide receiver for the Lions. Oh and the game will be at night in the 20's with snow.

Last Week's Results: 3-3-0

Season Results: 29-32-2