Division in the NBA

In the NBA, most of the teams make the playoffs.  In fact, sixteen teams make the playoffs each year while only fourteen team miss the playoffs.  That's a little ridiculous but hey, it isn't my league.  The teams that make the playoffs are the top 8 teams in each of the two conferences, the East and the West.  So, if that is how the NBA sets the playoffs then why do they also have separate divisions within each conference?  Confused?  I bet most of you didn't even know that NBA divisions existed - probably because they are COMPLETELY POINTLESS!  If you don't get a bye or anything for winning your divisions then what is the point of having them?  Get it together NBA - two conferences is enough.  Even the perennially crappy Raptors are going to hang an Atlantic Division banner in their arena this year.  There is no need for more divisions, that it unless you you keep them and then break each division into two team phylums - that I would be down for.

"You won the division.  Congratulations, you get nothing!  You have to get by the Heat - you lose!  Good day, Sir!"

The Strangest Golfer I've Ever Played With

A couple of weeks ago, my buddy Brian and I played a round of golf.  Usually when it is just the two of us, we always book the tee time for three people that way the course won't pair us with anybody else mostly because a single golfer looking to join a threesome is pretty rare.  This trick has worked for us for years.  However, on this day our luck ran out and we were paired with an older gentleman whose name I don't want to post because I really don't want him to stumble upon this.  Anyways, this guy, who we will call Moneybags, was pretty cool, the round went smoothly, and Moneybags was full of stories.  Yet, he told us so much crazy stuff that we weren't sure if he was full of shit or not.  I guess I was most skeptical because we weren't playing at the most prestigious course (35 bucks for 18 holes is cheap) and if this guy was to be believed, he was worth well into 8 figures.  Just read and you tell me if he was just a crazy old man or not:

• He was a member at Pebble Beach and PGA West.
• He has played in multiple Pro-Ams and was partnered with Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Greg Norman, Justin Leonard, and other famous golfers.  (P.S. he said Greg Norman was a total dick.)
• He has played Sawgrass (#89), Cypress Point (#3), and Augusta National (#2) among other big-time courses.  (those numbers are their rank of Top 100 Golf Courses according to Golf Digest)
• He knows multiple Golf Channel personalities (also told us that Brandel Chamblee is a Grade A dick)
• He played football at Missouri while in college.
• He owned a $2 million home in the mountains near Greenville, SC.
• That home was his spring/fall home.
• He also owned a home on 17-mile Drive in Pebble Beach, which costs at the least $10 million.
• And he had a home in Palm Springs.
• Had had "at least 15" different sets of Taylormade irons.
• But he drove away in a crappy Jeep Wrangler.
• He was the current two-time runner-up at his club's yearly tournament.
• But he probably shot a 95 that day we played with him, never hit a ball over 200 yards and hit fairway woods from 100 yards out.
• However, the guy was a wizard when it came to chipping, he claimed it was because he learned his short game from the same guy that taught Phil Mickelson.
• Oh and my favorite, after everything he said, he would chuckle.  It sounded like the chuckle that Beavis and Butthead do, except imagine a 70 year old guy doing it and that is what this guy sounded like.  It was priceless.

"She has to realize what that thing looks like, right?"

Movie Sequels, Prequels, and More - Part 12

Another look at Hollywood's hilarious concept of upcoming movies, meaning that they have run out of ideas and they can only come up with another round of prequels, sequels, and remakes and nothing original.  In this case, we will be looking at all of the video games that are in production to become movies:

• The Incredibles 2 - The original Incredibles movie is still my favorite Pixar movie to date, so to say I'm looking forward to an animated movie still sounds strange to say.
• Cars 3 - Speaking of Pixar movies, they are cashing in on this franchise again even though the second Cars sucked pretty hard.  Yeah, for whatever reason I'm fairly sure I have seen every Pixar movie made, I feel like I'm too old for seeing these movies and yet I still watch them.
• Fantastic Four 2 - Considering the first Fantastic Four reboot hasn't even been made yet, I find it a little weird that they have already announced the sequel.  On top of that, their casting choices for these movies may not be settled after the outrage over the current cast.  I have no problem with a black guy playing the Human Torch, but a skinny dude playing The Thing?  That makes no sense.
• The Wolverine 2 - I recently watched the first The Wolverine and was pleasantly surprised.  Hugh Jackman is set to star as Logan for the 7th time.  Do you think he is getting tired of playing this guy over and over?  Or do you think he looks at his paycheck and doesn't give a shit?
• Taken 3 - Liam Neeson is getting paid over $20 million for this movie.  In what world is Liam Neeson worth $20 million?
• Captain America 3 - For some reason, they recently announced that this movie will open the same weekend as Batman v. Superman.  At first I thought that was dumb, but then again, who cares when it comes out, people will go see both.  Hell, some people might prefer this one over a Ben Affleck Batman movie.
• Jungle Book - Haven't they beat this story into the ground by now?  What could you possibly do to this movie that will make it an improvement over any of the other 100 adaptations of Kipling's book?
• Magic Mike 2 - The actual title of this movie is Magic Mike XXL.  Why?  I have no idea, but I saw the first one and I'm kind of interested to see where Mike's story goes.

"I have a certain set of skills....."
"Yeah yeah, but apparently your set of skills don't include making sure your family isn't 'taken' every year."

Stupid State Laws - Alabama 4

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Alabama

"Bear wrestling matches are prohibited."

Shenanigans!!!  Now, my first question is - are bear-on-bear wrestling matches prohibited or are bear-on-man wrestling matches prohibited?  Because that makes a huge difference and might offer up some rednecks a huge loophole for their underground bear wrestling matches.  I'm hoping bear-on-bear matches are still legal.  While that would be inhumane, it would be awesome.  Okay, while a law against these such matches might exist because the spectators might get injured if the match gets out of hand, but last I checked, I've seen people get hurt at golf tournaments when struck in the head by a crappy drive.  Or what about NASCAR races where a tire flies into the stands?  I don't see a law against that.  Oh yeah, this is Alabama, their priorities are 1) college football, 2) NASCAR, and 3) getting drunk, no wonder there isn't a law that would hurt their precious left-turning races.  In any case, I do find it hilarious that so many bear wrestling matches happened that they actually had to make it illegal.  Alabama, you are priceless.

"Get in there and break it up, rookie."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  There isn't anything to set up here, just watch it and enjoy:

Summary:  This video cracked me up way more than it should have.  My favorite part is Bradley Cooper's hair.  If I had to guess, he was struggling actor at the time and the only thing he could find was a shampoo commercial, because his hair is glorious.

Famous Sams

It's my birthday!  And because it's my birthday, I thought I would make a post that related to me in some way.  So, I decided to make a list of the most famous people with the same first name as me, Sam.  Let's see what I got:

• Samuel L. Jackson - I almost forgot about this badass.  Thankfully, I did a search of Sams on IMDB and he was at the top of the list and therefore he makes the top of this list, too.
• Sam Neill - Jurassic Park was one of my favorite movies growing up and this man was the star if you don't count the dinosaurs (which I do).  Oddly enough, the top two Sams were both in that movie.
• Sam Elliott - You may not know his name, but you definitely know his voice.  He played 'The Stranger' in The Big Lebowski and that sweet baritone imparted The Dude with some great wisdom.
• Sam Worthington - He got his big break in Avatar, then went on to be in those crappy Clash of Titan movies and the equally as crappy Terminator movie.  He hasn't done much since then, but he is signed up for Avatar 2, 3, and 4.  Yup, there are 3 Avatar movies in production.
• Sam Rockwell - This Sam is one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood.  The movie most people would recognize him from is when he played Justin Hammer in Iron Man 2.  But go watch The Way Way Back and you will fall in love with him just like I did (no homo).
• Sam J. Jones - Flash Fucking Gordon.  Enough said.
• Sam Clafin - He's the guy who played Finnick in the newest Hunger Games and he played the (kind of) priest in the 4th Pirates of the Caribbean movie, you know the crappy one that's only redeeming factor was the hotness of that mermaid that this guy saved.
• Sam Walton - Have you ever been to a Wal-mart?  Well, you can thank this man for founding them or punch him in the face for founding them.
• Samuel Adams - You know, the beer guy.
• Sam Bradford - The 1st overall pick in the 2010 NFL Draft was the last first overall pick to get a mega deal before they restructured the rookie wage scale.  Before even taking a snap, he was already the 4th highest paid QB.  He hasn't live up to that.....not even close.
• Sam Kinison - This great comedian died before his time was up, but his yelling still haunts my dreams to this day.
• Sam Raimi - The director of Evil Dead, Spider-Man 1 and 2 (there wasn't a third one!), and the underrated For the Love of the Game.  He hasn't done much recently, but he is attached as a producer on the Poltergeist remake.
• Sam Trammel - You definitely don't know who this is unless I said he plays Sam Merlotte, the shape-shifter, on True Blood.  Other than Eric, this guy's character is one of my favorites.
• Sam Snead - Who?  Well, Sam Snead is golf's all-time wins leader.  Tiger Woods is only 3 wins behind him, but for now, this man sits atop of the mountain.
• Samantha Steele Ponder - I picked her just so I would have an excuse to put a picture of a lady at the bottom.

Today's Celebrity Birthdays - April 24th

I decided to start up a new post where I list the "celebrities" that were born on this day and then either praise them or mock them.  It will be fun, so let's do this:

• Barbra Streisand (72) - She sang "The Wind Beneath My Wings" during the Oscars when they showed who had died in the past year....what is that called?  Something complicated and Latin, I think.  Also, she used to be really really famous, I think.
• Kelly Clarkson (32) - Some may know her as the first American Idol winner.  Others will know her as that fat chick who sings.
• Cedric the Entertainer (50) - Did you know that his middle and last names are not 'The' and 'Entertainer'?  Who is he trying to fool?  Plus, if you have to tell people you are an entertainer, then you obviously are not that entertaining.
• Chipper Jones (42) - If they were to make a Mount Rushmore for my Atlanta Braves, I'm fairly certain Chipper's head would be right beside Hank Aaron.  Also, I bet he could still hit better than about 50% of the league right now.
• Aidan Gillen (44) - Otherwise know as Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish from Game of Thrones.  In the books, his character never came off as wimpy, but way more devious.
• Djimon Hounsou (50) - You may not know his name, but you know who this is.  He was the black guy from Gladiator or the guy who helped Leo in Blood Diamond.  He will be in this summer's Guardians of the Galaxy which I'm really looking forward to.
• Richard Donner (84) - I bet you are saying "Who?".  Well, he directed a ton of great movies like The Goonies, Superman, all of the Lethal Weapons, The Toy, and best of all, Scrooged.  Now you are saying "I love that guy".
• My Nephew Trey (8?) - I just asked, he'll be 9.  I may not know how old he is, but I at least know his birthday.....but that's because my birthday is tomorrow.
• Katherine Webb (25) - It's amazing that you can become famous because Brent Musburger drooled over you during a boring football game.  Then again, she is really hot, so maybe she would have become famous regardless.

"This is what you get if you are the quarterback for Alabama."

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Morgan Freeman

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Morgan Freeman

Top 5

Lucius Fox, Dark Knight Trilogy - I didn't even know that there was a Lucius Fox character in the Batman comics until I saw this movie.  Regardless, Morgan was perfect for this part.
Somerset, Se7en - Kevin Spacey made this movie, but Morgan was really good as the aging homicide detective.  I still wonder what he did with Brad Pitt's character after he shot Spacey.
God, Bruce Almighty - It's the voice that made him so good at playing God.  If only they could have ditched that Jim Carrey guy and made a movie about nothing but Morgan running around as God doing God stuff.
Red, The Shawshank Redemption - Next time you watch this movie, pretend that Morgan's character is actually a figment of Andy Dufrense's imagination.  Somehow that makes the movie that much better.
Azeem, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves - This movie was one casting choice away from being awesome and no, it wasn't Morgan's character.  I'll give you a hint, it starts with a "K" and ends with a "evin Costner".

Bottom 5

Sloan, Wanted - This movie was a piece of garbage and the only reason I can guess that Morgan agreed to do it was lots and lots of money.
President Beck, Deep Impact - The reason this character sucked so bad was every decision he made was terrible.  On top of the fact that it was an Armageddon ripoff.
Jim, Hard Rain - Did anybody see this movie?  Christian Slater played an armored truck guard who got trapped in a town flooded by a "hard rain" and Morgan was the bad guy trying to steal the cash from said truck.  It was stupid and I can't get behind anybody that was in it.
Paul Shannon, Chain Reaction - Ah yes, a Keanu Reeves movie where he played a brilliant physics student who created cold fusion, I think.  If Neo is in the movie and he is not playing Neo, Ted, or Johnny Utah, then it sucked and so did Morgan as the kind of bad guy.
Dr. Cameron McCarthy, Dolphin Tale - Nope.

"Anyone with a sword like that is cool in my book."

Why We Exist

Awhile back I wrote a post about the odds of there being intelligent life in the universe being pretty slim.  Well, today I'm going to expand on that by showing you guys what it took for Earth to advance to the point where you can look at cat memes all day.  Here are just a couple things that took place that allowed us to live, there are probably many more but this what I got for now:

• First of all, the position of a solar system is vital -- if it's too close to the center of the galaxy, everything will get melted by supernova radiation, but if it's too far along the edge of the galaxy it won't be able to support life.
• Then, the star at the center of the solar system can't be too old, too bright, or too big, otherwise complex life won't develop (complex life is very fussy).
• The planet on which said life develops has to be in a perfect orbit. In Earth's case, if the orbit was 5 percent smaller or 15 percent larger we would all freeze or burn to death, respectively.
• The size and location of our moon keeps the planet on a stable axis, preventing rapid and cataclysmic climate changes -- if we didn't have exactly one moon of the exact shape and size orbiting at its exact distance, we would all be superdead (and likely would never have existed to begin with).
• The sequence of geologic eras even plays a crucial part -- if the Mesozoic had occurred before the Cenozoic, for example, the exact conditions needed for human life to develop might never have been met, upsetting the evolutionary order and resulting in a race of dinosaur humans.
• Jupiter plays a huge role in keeping us all live because it acts like a giant defensive lineman by blocking us from cosmic debris and world-ending asteroids like a celestial J.J. Watt.

And that's why the odds of there being another intelligent species in the universe are slim.  Then again, there are hundreds of billions of galaxies which each contain billions of stars all which have numerous planets, so maybe another planet like ours got lucky like us and they are surfing their internet for YouTube videos of a member of their species taking nut shots just like us.

"Thanks, Moon?"

Random Movie Trivia - Transformers

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Transformers

• For the scene where Megatron corners Sam at the top of a tall building and Sam clings on to a statue out of sheer panic and fright, Shia LaBeouf was actually on top of the building wearing a safety harness, but with no safety net beneath him, and so his terror was real.
• Michael Bay originally turned down directing the film, considering it "a stupid toy movie." However, he wanted to work with Steven Spielberg and wanted to make the first family film of his career, and being a car buff, the idea of sentient cars interested him.
• Tyrese Gibson paid the filmmakers to get him a role in the film.
• Sam's eBay name LadiesMan217 refers to Michael Bay's birthday: February 17th. The eBay name was an actual user name with last activity at the same date the movie was released.
• The character of Mikaela Banes is named after the director Michael Bay.
• The word "transformer" is used only once in the entire film, when Ron Witwicky decides to call the City ("We got a blown transformer.").
• The female Autobot Arcee was going to appear in the film, but the writers couldn't properly explain the concept of robot gender in the film, so she was removed and replaced with Ironhide.
• That was a real truck of Furbies blown up in the film.
• Amanda Seyfried and Emma Stone both auditioned for the role of Mikeala.
• In the scene where Secretary of Defense Keller (Jon Voight) and other military personnel are walking briskly through a tunnel, the man to his left, who is listed in the credits as a 'Four Star General', is the actor Steven Ford, the son of former U.S. President Gerald Ford.
• Patton Oswalt was offered, but declined, the role of Glenn Whitman.
• The sequence where Bonecrusher smashes a bus in half was an actual stunt filmed live on camera. The bus was constructed with a split-line and had cables built in (which held the bus together until they were cut off), as well as explosives and cannons (which were used to blow the bus apart).
• Michael Clarke Duncan was originally going to play a member of Sector 7. But his character was cut out in the movie.
• Ewan McGregor was considered to voice Bumblebee and Ratchet.
• Optimus Prime transforms three times in the film, and it is always from truck form to robot form, never the reverse.
• Howard Stern was originally approached to make a quick voice cameo in the film, but his agent talked him out of it.
• Michael Bay wanted Steve Buscemi to play Agent Simmons, but Buscemi was unavailable due to shooting other films.

"The real reason men went and saw this movie."

Stupid State Laws - Alabama 3

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Alabama

"Boogers may not be flicked into the wind."

Holy shit, this is the funniest law I have ever seen.  Mostly because it is a real law that involves boogers, but also because it is apparently perfectly okay to flick your boogers willy-nilly as long as there is no wind.  Why in the hell would you make a law about flicking boogers and only make it against the law to do so 'into the wind'?  Sure, I might be able to see how some booger flicking madman was doing his thing on windy days to make sure that his snot bombs hit his targets from a distance, but what is going to stop him from taking his craft, perfecting it, and then going back on a rampage on a calm day?  Nothing if he lives in Alabama!  Jeez, lawmakers are dumb.  They didn't even have the foresight to just straight-up make it illegal to flick boogers at all.  Alabama, if you paid attention to your lawmaking us much as you do to football you could have avoided a potential disaster.

"But officer, it's not even windy out, so how is what I'm about to do illegal?"
"He's got us there, Sarge."
"Shut up rookie and start blowing to make it windy and arrest that punk!"

NBA Playoff Reminder

Here is Brainfart's yearly reminder that the NBA Playoffs start today.  Why is this important?  Good question, reader.  Because three months from now, you are going to notice that the NBA Playoffs are still going on and you will think back to this post and say "Good lord, how fucking long are these playoffs!  Brainfart was right, it is a ridiculously long time.  Thanks, Brainfart".  You're welcome, reader.  P.S. The NBA is stupid and football can't get here soon enough.

"So tired, when does this end?"

Movie Trailer Review - Transcendence

This is not a review of the trailer, but a review of this movie based entirely on this movie's trailer.  I have a special talent of being able to figure out whether a movie will be any good based just on the trailer and I'm finally putting that talent to good use.  Screw you, it's a real talent.

Transcendence

The new Johnny Depp movie is about, well, it's not entirely clear but it has something to do with Johnny dying and having his brain uploaded to a computer.  After that, I have no idea what happens, but apparently Johnny takes over the world, I guess.  This movie also has that chick from the third Iron Man movie and the incredibly hot Kate Mara.

I've seen this movie pop up on a few "Must See Summer Movie" lists, but based on the trailer, I just can't get behind it.  The CGI looks like crap.  The plot looks dumb.  And most importantly, outside of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Johnny Depp hasn't been in anything worth watching in years (Alice in Wonderland, Dark Shadows, The Lone Ranger, and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory were all terrible).  Based on the trailer, I would recommend waiting until this comes on HBO before attempting to watch it and even then, only if you are really really bored.  The only way this movie has a chance at being good is if it has a really cool twist ending, but something tells me that's not going to happen.

What Kind of Fart This Movie Will Resemble:

The Alarm Fart - This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.

NOKW - Wanted

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Wanted

Basic Plot:  I'm not entirely sure, but Professor X is recruited to be an elite assassin and has to kill his dad for some stupid reason.

I'm Okay With:  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that I don't know where to begin.  The fact that Professor X is so damned whiny and I want to punch his character in the dick.  The fact that they don't seem to understand how physics work, bullets should not be able to do that.  The fact that I still don't know why Morgan Freeman agreed to do this movie.  The fact that they possess a magic elixir that heals all wounds in days and the rest of the world has yet to stumble upon this.  The fact that I forgot Chris Pratt is in this movie.  The fact that the age difference between Professor X and Angelina was clearly obvious and I don't why they thought that would make for a good love interest plot.  The fact that at no point are the cops called despite there being approximately a million gun fights.  The fact that the plot is beyond dumb.  The fact that Professor X at one point runs through a room in a straight line with 30 people all shooting at him at close range and not only is he not hit once, but he kills all of them.  The fact that a dude is able to deflect bullets with a knife.  The fact that I still don't know why Angelina killed everyone of the other assassins and herself at the end.

"Angelina Jolie is 39 years old, but she looks a lot older to me and this movie was made 6 years ago."

Who Is the NBA Paying?

You would think by now the NBA would be good at talent evaluation, especially with veterans who have a lot of years of film to look at.  Apparently not.  ESPN just put out a list of the highest paid athletes in the world and broke them down by sport.  The NBA's Top Ten Paid Players is shocking.  Let's examine the Top 5 a little further:

1. Kobe - This one makes some sense although no one except Kobe thought he would play this year.  His contract also all but guarantees that the Lakers cannot get enough good players and stay under the salary cap to be relevant.
2. Dirk Nowitzki - He is their team but is getting really old.  He isn't the player he was but is still decent.  This one is defensible only because he is in the last years of a longer contract.
3. Gilbert Arenas - WHAT!?!  HOW!?!  WHY!?!  He hasn't started more than half the games in a season since 2006!  This is the definition of the down side of a guaranteed salary.
4. Amare Stoudemire - The second best player on a team that missed the playoffs and will probably finish 10 games below .500.  He has started 56 games total in the last three seasons.  Total waste.
5. Carmelo Anthony - The best player on a team that missed the playoffs and will probably finish 10 games below .500.  The only two things Melo has proven over his long career is that he is a scorer only and that he can't carry a team at all.  The best stat I can give you to perfectly describe Carmelo is from a game earlier this year when he scored 62 points and had ZERO assists - how is that even possible?  He shot 35 times and didn't pass once.

Other than Dirk, the top five is pretty poor, and none of them would be considered to be one of the top 5 NBA players this season.  The next five highest paid are Joe Johnson, Dwight Howard, Pau Gasol, Chris Bosh, and LeBron James.  You could make an argument for Dwight and Bosh being paid appropriately and LeBron is underpaid by a factor of three.  The rest of them are very good players but not top 10.  Get your shit together NBA - maybe watch some games every now and then.

"The face of the Knicks - welcoming in another decade of irrelevance."

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 16

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• Besides the millions of dollars, being a baseball player must be depressing considering failing 2/3rds of the time while batting is considered really really good.
• If I unfriended every Facebook friend who posted nothing but news stories and pictures of their kids, I would have zero Facebook friends.
• With America getting fatter every year, when are they finally going to redo shirt sizes and make an XL the new Medium?
• I would watch every single shot of The Masters, so why in the hell do they seem to have so little coverage of that tournament?  It never comes on TV before 3pm, why not earlier?!?
• Daylight Savings seems to benefit so few people and pisses off a much larger portion of the population who have to change all of their clocks twice a year.  So, why do we still have it?  I honestly don't know what its purpose is anymore.
• I never have and never will trust the weatherman.  Did you know that if you predicted that it would be sunny everyday, you would be more correct percent-wise than the "professionals"?
• Why is fighting in hockey or purposely beaning a guy in baseball not considered assault?  I can't wait for the first lawsuit resulting from someone suing another player because he got tackled in football.
• Would crime go away if the penalty for every crime was death?
• How is it that I have 500+ TV channels and I still can't seem to find anything worth watching?
• I just don't get the show Workholics, I think the actors are funny but that show is really dumb.
• I will never be able to look at the NASA logo the same way again after realizing how much the shooting star circling the logo looks like a sperm.

"And now you won't see it the same either, MWHAHAHAHA!!!"

Who Is The Bigger Star? Part 9

Here is a fun post where a compare two actors/actresses, sports stars, TV personalities, etc against each other and determine who is the bigger star.  Let's see who wins this time:

Arnold Schwarzenegger v. Sylvester Stallone

Arnold Schwarzenegger

• Biggest Role:  The Terminator
• My Favorite Role:  Jack Slater in Last Action Hero
• Top Earning Movie:  Terminator 2 ($204.8 million)
• Biggest Flop:  Batman & Robin, I will never let anyone associated with that movie get away with their crime.
• Awards:  2 Golden Globe Nomination (1 Win)
• Career:  First off, I want to point out that I am shocked Arnold owns a Golden Globe.  He won it for something I've never heard of back in 1977.  Back to his career.  Arnold started out as a bodybuilder then got his first big part as Conan, but hit it big when James Cameron cast him as The Terminator.  Since then he has been a huge star and been in everything from action movies to comedies to whatever Junior was.  Recently, he can only seem to find work in crappy action movies and has a bunch of sequels to his older movies in the works like another Conan and Terminator movie.

Sylvester Stallone

• Biggest Role:  Rocky or Rambo, it's a coin flip
• My Favorite Role:  John Spartan in Demolition Man
• Top Earning Movie:  Rambo: First Blood Part II ($150.4 million)
• Biggest Flop:  Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
• Awards:  2 Academy Award Nomination (0 Wins), 2 Golden Globe Nomination (0 Wins)
• Career:  The first time I remember seeing Sly was in a crappy movie called Death Race 2000 (that was later remade into an even crappier movie).  Then he wrote and starred in Rocky (which somehow beat out Taxi Driver for Best Picture) and everything changed.....kind of.  He did a couple more Rocky movies and then starred in the first Rambo movie, followed by a bunch more Rambo movies.  Since then he has done all sorts of stuff like Tango & Cash, Judge Dredd, and a lot of Expendables movies.  Next up, you guessed it, another Expendables movie.

If we had done this back in the 90's, it would have been a hell of battle.  Today, they are both older than my dad and really seem to hanging onto their personas as action stars despite nearing 70 years old.  Sadly, neither is really a star anymore and for that reason, I am declaring a tie even though if I really had to choose, I would go Arnold because of his accent.

"Yup, a tie.  They are both has-beens."

Stupid State Laws - Alabama 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Alabama

"It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty."

Sadly, I actually know why this is a law, but it doesn't make it any less stupid.  Apparently, the rednecks down in Bama figured out that if they lose a hand or foot "accidentally", they can collect disability and no longer have to work.  While that scam earns those idiots money, they don't seem to understand that losing an appendage is a really really dumb idea.  I couldn't imagine not having hand.  Do you know what I wouldn't be able to do without a hand......wait, don't think about that, I know exactly where your dirty mind is going.  Instead, imagine no longer having a foot.  That would suck.  You would have to walk with a cane, you wouldn't be able to drive a stick shift, and no more hacky sack.  Okay, maybe that last wouldn't be a loss, but losing a hand or foot just so you can collect a meager living is pretty dumb and it's just as dumb that so many idiots did this on purpose that they had to make a law about it.  Way to go, rednecks.

"We gotta let her go, rookie.  That madman did the maiming, she's clean."
"Should we arrest him, Sarge?"
"Are you serious!  He's a magician, he'll just disappear if we get close to him.  You have so much to learn, rookie."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  When was the last time you played the original Super Mario Brothers?  Probably 20 years ago unless you have one of those NES programs on your computer.  Well, this guy whipped that old game back out and decided to see if he could beat it and get the fewest points possible.  Guess what, he succeeded:

Summary:  To be honest, I don't even remember ever beating the 1st Mario game, I was pretty young when it came out.  But to try and beat the game with the lowest possible score is not only insane, it's genius.  This guy is Pinky and the Brain all wrapped up in one.  By the way, I recently read that if you watch Pinky and the Brain and imagine that Pinky is the genius, it actually makes a lot more sense.

Who Is This? Part 11

Who is this?  No, not Leo, the other guy, who is that?  Well, obviously he was in Gangs of New York, I'm talking about before that.  How about a hint?  He used Reese's Pieces as bait for something hiding in a shed.  Okay, that had to have done it.  That up there beside Leo is Henry Thomas, aka Elliott from E.T..  Yeah, I know, it blew my mind, too.  Gangs of New York might have been a little long and Cameron Diaz was really really bad in it, but the whole time I was watching it, I never once thought to myself, "Hey, is that guy the kid from E.T.?".  It turns out that it totally was.

"Leo really blossomed later in life."

What has Henry been up to since E.T.?  Other than Gangs of New York, a bunch of random stuff and he recently got a part on some show called Betrayal.  I've never heard of it, but after doing as little research as possible, I learned it comes on ABC.  Yup, that's all I cared to look up.  (Update - I stumbled across an article that said Betrayal is probably going to get cancelled, so now we know two things about it, it's on ABC and it sucks)  It still blows my mind that Elliot and Leo's buddy from Gangs of New York are the same guy.

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Brad Pitt

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Brad Pitt

Top 5

Tyler Durden, Fight Club - This one is a no-brainer.  No list of Brad's best characters can't not have this guy on it.  Did I just pull off a triple negative?  You're damn right I did.
Mills, Se7en - "What's in the box!".  I wonder if I would have picked him for this role if it weren't for how awesome Kevin Spacey made this movie.
Mickey O'Neil, Snatch - I couldn't understand a word his character said in this movie, but it didn't matter because that's what made it so fantastic.  I don't know if anyone has seen this movie, but if you haven't, I suggest doing so.  As a bonus, it was the first time I saw Jason Statham in a movie.
Jeffrey Goines, Twelve Monkeys - For the most part, this movie was confusing, but Brad's part was great.  In fact, I really feel like he should take another part like this one in the near future, it would restore my faith in the direction of his career.
Lt. Aldo Raines, Inglourious Basterds - It was a tough call between this role and his character in Burn After Reading, but I went with this one just because of his "Italian" accent.  That and this was the closest he ever got to playing his role from Twelve Monkeys again.

Bottom 5

Paul Maclean, A River Runs Through It - All I know about this movie is that it is really boring and not worth my time.
Tristan Ludlow, Legends of the Fall - Ditto.
Achilles, Troy - The problem I had with Brad in this movie is that no matter how attractive people say he is (and he is a good looking dude), he just didn't fit this part at all.  I always felt Achilles should be more badass and less pretty and therefore Brad's character just wasn't right for this role.
Jerry Welbach, The Mexican - Have you seen this piece of garbage?  Neither have I, but I heard it was terrible.
Billy Beane, Moneyball - I picked this one because 1) the real Billy Beane looks nothing like Brad and 2) this movie was kind of lame.  His team didn't actually win the big game, what's the fun in that?  As good as Billy Beane's system was, it obviously isn't good enough to win it all and therefore his story should have never been made into a movie, especially a movie that was somehow nominated for Best Picture.

"This character just missed the cut but was still really funny."

The Cost of Running

I just got the new issue of Runner's World in the mail because I ran a lot in the last year.  Don't be jealous.  After not actually reading it at all, my wife did and noticed something really strange and weird.  These are the three subscription notices in the magazine:

They are similar to the ones in every other magazine except for one thing - they are all different prices!!  It is a little tough to see but each ad has a special for 24 issues at a different price.  One is $14, one is $20, and one is $24.  Why would they do that?  I feel like they are tricking me somehow but I don't know their end game?  TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, RUNNERS WORLD!!!!!

Must See Summer Movies

I love to watch a good movie.  And the best time for good movies is the summer.  So, I compiled a list of the movies I will most be looking forward to this summer.  Also, because it is fun to bash movies, I also made a list of five movies I will avoid at all costs.  Let's see what I got:

Top 10

• 10) Sin City: A Dame to Kill For - I loved the first Sin City and while it has been nearly a decade since the original came out, I am still looking forward to this one.
• 9) The Amazing Spider-Man 2 - I may be one of the few who actually enjoyed the first installment of the Spider-Man reboot (anything had to be better than Spider Man 3) and at first I was pretty excited about this one.  But then they kept adding villains.  First it was Electro, then the Rhino, and then a new Green Goblin.  Didn't they learn their lesson from the third Tobey Maguire Spider Man?
• 8) Neighbors - While I'm not the biggest Seth Rogen fan, the trailer for this movie has peaked my interest.  Plus Rose Byrne is super-hot even if a guy like Seth would never bag that in any universe.
• 7) A Million Ways to Die in the West - This is Seth McFarland's new movie.  As you can tell by the title, it's set in the West and looks pretty funny.
• 6) Transformers: Age of Extinction - They ditched Shia LeBeouf and added Mark Wahlberg.  Oh, and Dinobots!
• 5) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I just saw the new trailer for this and couldn't be more excited.  Recently, I had a conversation with a buddy about the childhood movie that we couldn't wait to see and both of us said Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at the same time.  That should tell you all you need to know about how much I want to see this one.
• 4) Captain America: The Winter Soldier - Marvel has yet to let us down.....if you don't count the second Hulk movie.
• 3) Godzilla - When I saw they were giving this franchise another go, I thought "You have to be kidding me".  Then I saw the trailer and thought "Maybe they are on to something".  It actually looks pretty good.
• 2) X-Men: Days of Future Past - The old cast and the new cast all wrapped up in one movie!  On top of that, they are giving us Sentinels, it's about damn time!
• 1) Guardians of the Galaxy - When going through the list of summer movies, I was shocked when this movie came out on top.  But at the same time, this movie really does look awesome.  Anything where a raccoon wields a gun and loves to shoot people has to be good......right?

Bottom 5

• 5) Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - I thought the first prequel was okay, but there was nothing about it that I thought garnered a sequel.
• 4) Edge of Tomorrow - In the last decade, the last movie that Tom Cruise was in that I truly enjoyed was Tropic Thunder and he only had a cameo.  So, why would I want to go see a movie that he is the star of?
• 3) Hercules - Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Hercules?  They do realize that Hercules was Greek and that The Rock is about as non-Greek as someone can get?  I saw the trailer for this and it definitely looks better than that other Hercules movie that came out earlier this year, but still, no thank you.
• 2) The Expendables 3 - I saw the first Expendables and it was a piece of garbage.  Who in the hell keeps writing these things?  Oh, I looked it up and it's Sylvester Stallone.  I guess this is the only way he can get work anymore.  In any case, they should stop making these, they're terrible.
• 1) Blended - Another Adam Sandler movie where he does dopey stuff and still somehow bags a girl that he shouldn't be able to get with except this time it's set in some Asian island resort.  Oh, and to make things worse, the girl is played by Drew Barrymore.  Yuck.  The only movie she was in where I liked her character was Scream and that was because she was murdered immediately.

"Yeah, Adam is as shocked as I am that this was his last enjoyable movie.  It came out in 1998."

Today's Celebrity Birthdays - April 7th

I decided to start up a new post where I list the "celebrities" that were born on this day and then either praise them or mock them.  It will be fun, so let's do this:

• Jackie Chan (60) - Wow, he's 60?!?  I did not see that coming.  I do have some good news, a Rush Hour 4 is in the works.  Oh wait, did I say good news?  I meant bad news, a Rush Hour 4 is in the works.
• Russell Crowe (50) - Am I the only one that feels like Russell hasn't done a good movie in years?  The last thing he starred in that I enjoyed was Cinderella Man.  He will be playing Noah this summer and I will predict it now, that movie will suck.
• James Garner (86) - If you're a chick, then you will remember him from The Notebook.  And if you're a dude, then you will remember him from, uhhhh, The Notebook.  We all know you watched it and secretly liked it.  That Ryan Gosling is dreamy.
• Francis Ford Coppola (75) - The director of all two Godfather movies (there never was a third one and you know it!) hasn't done much lately other than produce stuff.  Fun fact - did you know he directed the movie Jack?  You know, that dumb movie where Robin Williams' character aged really fast.  Crazy, right?
• Bill Bellamy (49) - This comedian and actor has been seen in things like....well....the only thing I can think of is Any Given Sunday where he played a WR.  Do you know who the other WR was on that fictional team?  None other than Terrell Owens.
• A Bunch of Random Sports Stars like Tiki and Ronde Barber, Adrian Beltre, and Tony Dorsett.

"Maximus sure has let himself go, hasn't he?"

Stupid State Laws - Alabama

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Alabama

"It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle."

This law really pisses me off and not for the reason you would think.  Sure, driving while blindfolded is really really dumb, but what really pisses me off is that a state would make create this law which should be common sense and yet not make a law against it being illegal to drive and talk on your cellphone or text while driving.  I know, you're probably one of those people who think they are still a good driver while talking on their phones, but do something for me.  The next time you are driving and talking, try and keep track off how many times you just don't remember the last mile of the drive and still tell me you are a good talker/driver.  The first time I realized I couldn't remember a five mile stretch of a drive while talking on my cellphone, I just stopped doing it.  That and do you ever notice that if you try to pass someone on the interstate who is on their phone, they always seem to speed up?  That drives me crazy and that's reason enough to make a law against it.  But no, Alabama had to make a law that everyone should already know not to do.  Then again, Alabama is full of rednecks and they have never been known for their smarts.

"There were a surprising amount of pictures of people driving while blindfolded in my Google image search."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  What's worse than a crying baby on a plane?

Summary:  So Glee in intruding onto everyday life huh?  This needs to stop.  Enough is enough - it is bad enough Glee already takes up valuable FOX airtime that they could be using on a new comedy....or more Simpson repeats(?).

Trailer Movie Review - Captain America 2

This is not a review of the trailer, but a review of this movie based entirely on this movie's trailer.  I have a special talent of being able to figure out whether a movie will be any good based just on the trailer and I'm finally putting that talent to good use.  Screw you, it's a real talent.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

This is a movie produced by Marvel and so far, they haven't let us down, so that's a good thing for this movie.  The problem I have about this movie is its release date.  Nothing good ever comes out in early April and the big blockbusters usually don't start coming out until early May.  However, I'm hoping they are just trying to pull a "Christmas Creep" on us and releasing things earlier and earlier, you know, kind of like how Christmas seems to start earlier each year.

Anyways, on to the trailer.  I used the extended trailer above because I think that gives you a better idea of what this movie is bringing to the table and that something looks awesome.  The action scenes look great, Scarlett Johansson is looking good, and it looks like they are going against the norm and are only giving us one villain in a sequel.  Seriously, that might be a first.  However, if I had to guess based on the trailer, Robert Redford might actually be a bad guy, so don't be surprised when I nail that little prediction.  Only by seeing the trailer, I'm going to recommend seeing this movie while in the theater.

What Kind of Fart This Movie Will Resemble:

The Relief Fart - Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief." Very common.

Watching Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee

This is more of a public service announcement than a blog post.  If you have not started watching this "show" yet you need to immediately.  If you like Seinfeld or Curb Your Enthusiasm then you will like this web series.  The show, much like Seinfeld's show before it, is about nothing; but it is perfect.  He just hangs out with other huge comedians and cracks wise.  The episodes are typically 10-30 minutes long and go really fast.  They also each feature a different totally awesome car.  Go watch it now - he has three seasons already out so you have some catching up to do.  Oh, and they're free!

"I would pay a lot of money to hang out at this table for an hour."

Random Movie Trivia - Captain America

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Captain America: The First Avenger

• I picked this movie for today because the sequel comes out this weekend.
• Stanley Tucci took the role of Dr. Erskine because the role enabled him to use a German accent, which he always wanted to do.
• Chris Evans declined the role three times before finally being convinced to take it.
• The wall art hiding the Tesseract at the beginning of the film shows the World Tree, the same concept design that Thor shares with Jane Foster in Thor (2011).
• The villain's name Johan Schmidt is basically a German translation of the English name John Smith - a popular stock name and alias in English and US pop culture.
• Chris Evans sixth comic book movie after the two Fantastic Four movies, Push (2009),The Losers (2010), and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010). He also voiced Casey Jones in TMNT (2007), also based on a comic book.
• Sam Worthington and Will Smith were in early talks for the role of Captain America. Later on Garrett Hedlund, Channing Tatum, and Mike Vogel the final shortlist for the role. Kellan Lutz, Ryan Phillippe and Alexander Skarsgård carried out auditions, but ultimately the role went to Evans.
• Edgar Wright (director of Shaun of the Dead) had been rumored to have secretly rewritten the film, but he publicly denied this. Wright will soon write/direct his own Marvel Studios film, Ant-Man (2015).
• Natalie Dormer (Margaery Tyrell from Game of Thrones, aka Joffrey's fiance) has a small part, she is the lady who seduces the Captain and gets him in trouble with his love interest.
• Originally cameo appearances were planned in the film for Namor the Sub-Mariner, the Prince of Atlantis, but this was scrapped.
• During the bar scene right after Captain America rescues Bucky and his unit, the bartender is played by the guy who is Chris Evans' double from before he takes the super soldier formula.
• Alice Eve, Gemma Arterton and Keira Knightley were considered for the role of Peggy Carter. Emily Blunt turned down the role.
• Originally cameo appearances were planned in the film for James Logan Howlett (Wolverine) and Erik Lensherr (Magneto), who were present during World War II (Logan was a soldier and Lensherr was a prisoner of war). These cameos were scrapped due to rights issues.

"I saw Hancock, there is no way this would have worked out."

Brainfart Crush of the Month - April

At the beginning of every month, we here at Brainfart will be bringing you our Brainfart Crush of the Month!  Sometimes it will be someone you have heard of, sometimes it will be just a random hottie you may have seen before, and sometimes it might be my neighbor.  Who knows!  Let's see who we picked this month:

This is Carly Foulkes.  You may remember her from those old T-Mobile commercials.  Sure, it has been awhile since we have seen her on TV, but she is still sexy.  She had signed up to do more ads for T-Mobile, but they signed Shakira to a deal and Carly was pushed aside.  In my opinion, huge mistake.  Shakira isn't bad to look at, but she is barely 5 feet tall and I like my women tall and Carly is 5'8, so me likey.  Congratulation, Carly, you are this month's Brainfart Crush of the Month.