Who Is This? Part 22

So, who is this handsome looking fellow?  No, it's not Joseph Gordon-Levitt after traveling back in time, but at least you finally guessed without me having to give you a hint.  Good job!  Wait, you still want a hint?  There is just no pleasing you.  He is Canadian.  Ha, suck on that hint!  Okay, I'm being cruel, I'll give you a real hint.  He's Canadian and hosts America's favorite quiz show.  BOOM!  That is Alex Trebek.  That picture is from when he hosted some Canadian dating game.  Cute, right?

So, what is he up to now?  Hosting Jeopardy!, duh.

Today's Celebrity Birthdays - Sept 29th

I decided to start up a new post where I list the "celebrities" that were born on this day and then either praise them or mock them.  It will be fun, so let's do this:

• Zachary Levi (34) - It's not a good day for celebrity birthdays when the guy from Chuck leads the way.  I really liked this guy, so why hasn't he done anything else since his show went off the air?
• Calvin Johnson (29) - The best WR in the NFL turns 29 today.  Fun Fact - he is the reason I don't let wins and losses affect me as much as they used to after he torched Clemson his freshman year at Georgia Tech.
• Ian McShane (72) - You may know him from his time on Deadwood or as Blackbeard from that crappy fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie.  I love this guy and I wish Hollywood would notice how awesome he truly is.
• Mackenzie Crook (43) - I know you don't know his name, but you definitely know this guy.  He played the pirate with the crazy eye in Pirates of the Caribbean and a little know fact, he played the the same character as Dwight on the original British version of The Office.
• Andrew Dice Clay (57) - Remember him?  Me neither, but I'm glad to see he is still getting work even if it is doing the voice of a hamster on a phone commercial.
• Bryant Gumbel (66) - The first guy that made it okay for black guys to act white (no racist).
• Russell Peters (44) - Before the most recent season of Last Comic Standing, I had never heard of this guy.  But he was easily the funniest of the three judges on the show and I will definitely watch anything he is in from now on.

"I know it's not this lovely lady's birthday, but showing a picture of her is way more satisfying then showing a picture of one the dudes above.  By the way, does anyone know who this is?  I stumbled upon her picture, fell in love, but have no idea who she is."

Stupid State Laws - Florida 14

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Florida

"It is illegal for an owner of a store to allow another person to pass out free ducklings in front of the store."

Of course it's illegal for an owner to allow someone to hand out free baby ducks in front of their store.....what?  Unless those baby ducks are riddled with disease, why in the hell would this be illegal?  If anything, it should be illegal to NOT be handing out free baby ducks in front of every store.  I honestly don't know if that last sentence made any sense, let's try again.  It should be a law that every store in Florida has to have someone handing out free baby ducks in front of their stores.  Better?  No?  Screw you.  Either way, this law is just another example of why Florida truly needs to get their priorities straight.  They have way too many problems to be outlawing free baby duck hand-outs.

"Rookie, what exactly is a duckling?"
"It's a baby duck, Sarge.  You knew that, right?"
"Of course rookie!  Now arrest this idiot."
"The law says the owner of the store is the offender is this case."
"Good, that was a test, just like the duckling question."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  This is why Florida State's QB Jameis Winston was suspended for the Clemson game.  He yelled this in the middle of campus:

Summary:  And Clemson blew that game.  I don't want to talk about it, so painful.

Weirdest Movies I Own

During and shortly after college, I went through a phase of collecting DVDs.  I'm fairly sure a lot of us movie junkies did that.  What college kid didn't own Se7en, Office Space, and The Big Lebowski?  But I also bought some really random movies too and still own them to this day for some reason.  Here is a space-filler, I mean, list of those movies:

• The Brothers Grimm - Matt Damon and Heath Ledger in a movie directed by Terry Gilliam?  Sounds great on paper, not so great on film.  However, it did also feature Lena Headey, aka Cersai Lannister.
• Boiler Room - This was based on the same story as The Wolf of Wall Street, except this one had way less drugs, sex, and nudity, and way more suckiness.
• Confessions of a Dangerous Mind - Actually a good movie.  It stars the criminally underrated Sam Rockwell and is directed by George Clooney.  Worth a watch, not a buy.
• Welcome to Collinwood - Another movie starring Sam Rockwell, as well as William H. Macy, Luis Guzman, and another George Clooney sighting.  This is the kind of movie you would have to own to ever see it and I would actually recommend it.
• The Sum of All Fears - Remember Patriot Games and Clear and Present Danger?  They starred Han Solo as Jack Ryan, who was an american spy or something.  Well, this is same character but played by Ben Affleck and he does not live up to the billing and I do not know why I own it.
• Two Copies of LotR: Two Towers and Return of the King - I can actually explain this.  I bought the first copies of these movie when they came out and then bought the extended versions later.  Why I never got rid of these, I will never know, but I might do so now.
• A Night at the Roxbury - I should probably just throw this away even if it does bring back fond memories of high school.
• Master and Commander - I watched this once and I have no plans to ever do so again.  It should probably join the garbage this week.
• Crash - The good news is that this movie did (undeservedly) win Best Picture.  The bad news is that I wasted money on this movie and have no intentions of ever watching again.
• The Da Vinci Code - I was a huge fan of the book before it was cool to be a big fan of the book.  The movie sucked.

"Still Tom's worst haircut to date."

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 5

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on Coaches Poll
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

#10 UCLA Bruins @ #12 Arizona State Sun Devils (+4.5)

Thursday 10:00
Fox Sports 1

Tennessee Volunteers @ #13 Georgia Bulldogs (-16.5)

12:00
ESPN

Arkansas Razorbacks @ #7 Texas A&M Aggies (-9)

3:30
CBS

#14 Stanford Cardinal @ Washington Huskies (+8)

4:15
???

Missouri Tigers (+5.5) @ #15 South Carolina Jerkwads

7:00
ESPN

North Carolina Tarheels @ Clemson Tigers (-14)

7:00
ESPNU

-I honestly don't know why football is so popular.  It's not exactly a game you can just pick up play with a couple of buddies unless you just pass the ball around.  Is it the violence?  That's the only answer I can come up with, and if that's the case, something is really wrong with us.  We should look into that.

-Now, I know from time to time my dear readers will go to other websites.  I'm totally cool with that.
Maybe one of those site is even Fox Sports.  And maybe one the articles you like to read is Stewart Mandel's College Football Mailbag.  If you happened to read said article this week, then you might have noticed that I got a mailbag question answered.  I'm pretty stoked about it, check it out:

Stewart, Can you please set America straight on the definition of "Clemsoning" and how Clemson's extremely painful loss to Florida State didn't actually fit into that definition?

-- Sam from Greenville, S.C.

I’m not one of the people most qualified to answer that, so I called on Dan Rubenstein, co-host of the tremendous Solid Verbal podcast, which literally wrote the dictionary definition of “Clemsoning.” He said:

“As it related to losing at No. 1 Florida State when big Clemson expectations were already tempered after the second half of the Georgia game, the Tigers very clearly weren’t involved in a traditional Clemsoning. BUT, if we’re to believe that Clemsoning is a real, higher-college-football-forces-at-work phenomenon (which, obviously it is), Clemson’s late stumble did kind of feel like some sort of weird correction of the college football universe, which I called a ‘Clemsoning Express.’

"Ruling: Not a Clemsoning, but much in the way post-halftime fireworks smoke always seems to hang over the Holiday Bowl field, a Clemsoning haze was present for the late minutes of Saturday night’s game.”

In case you are wondering, my definition of "Clemsoning" is "anytime a team with high expectations inexplicably loses to a team that they never should lose to, usually in an embarrassing fashion".  In Clemson's case this past weekend, they were nearly two touchdown underdogs on the road against the #1 team in college football, and while they lost in an embarrassing fashion, they weren't supposed to win, so their loss shouldn't count as "Clemsoning" and Stewart's answer confirms that.  Meeting adjourned.

-A solid 5-1 week last week.....and yet I would trade all of those correct picks in for Clemson's kicker to have made more than 1 of his 3 field goal attempts.  So painful to have a crappy kicker.  Oh well, I guarantee a winning week or your money back!

-Last Week's Funniest College GameDay Sign:

(this is why Jameis Winston was suspended last weekend, except he said "her" instead of "Clemson")

-Alright, enjoy the fifth week of college football.

Last Week's Results: 5-1
Season Results: 13-8

Dream Journal

I started having the most vivid dreams a couple of years ago and decided to start writing down any that I could remember when I woke up in a Dream Journal.  Like all dreams, they are pretty damn weird, but my dreams are also hilarious.....but still weird.  Here are a couple of those dreams:

• I am a player in a Borderlands Death Match (it's an awesome video game, look it up) and my teammates are my brother and some other guy.  The arena is a big square with a raised perimeter accessible by two staircases on opposite sides of the room.  Our opponents are Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, and her fat sister.  I immediately go up a staircase and the two (whore) sisters try to take me out because they are dumb and don't understand I have the upper ground.  I blew their heads off with one bullet.  Then I woke up.
• I'm chasing the Hulk for some dumb reason and wind up in a yoga studio.  As I am about to continue the chase, a tall hot blond asks me if I would help her stretch.  After helping her stretch one of her legs, she goes to switch legs then does some sort of crazy ninja-like move that results in her locking me up with her legs.  That's when she reaches for my balls and squeezes.  I then woke up like how you wake up as if you were falling in a dream except in my case, my balls actually hurt when I woke up.

"What in the hell did I think I was going to do when I caught up with this guy?"

Sequels, Prequels, and More - Part 16

Another look at Hollywood's hilarious concept of upcoming movies, meaning that they have run out of ideas and they can only come up with another round of prequels, sequels, and remakes and nothing original.  In this case, we will be looking at all of the video games that are in production to become movies:

• Van Helsing - Another Van Helsing movie, just what we need.  The Hugh Jackman version was silly but somehow entertaining, so I can only assume this one will be dark and gritty because Hollywood is dumb and that is all they know how to do these days.
• xXx 3 - Because Vin Diesel finally realized he has no range, he is coming back to this movie franchise (?).  Do we need another xXx movie?  Nope.  That's all.
• The Ring 3 - This one is in 3D for some reason.  I saw the first one and liked it.  I didn't see the second one and can only assume it sucked.  A third one only makes sense because Hollywood is desperate for ideas.
• Skull Island - This is a King Kong origin story and sequel wrapped up in one movie.  Jack Black's character's son travels back to Skull Island for some stupid reason.  If this was just an origin story, I would be in because I really want to know how Kong got so big, but a sequel to King Kong is just unnecessary.  Then again, it was announced that Tom Hiddleston, aka Loki, will be starring in this thing.
• Men In Black 4 - This one will take place on another planet and star J and K.  Tommy Lee Jones was so old when they made the third one that he was barely in it, what makes them think he isn't too old to do another 5 years later?
• The Office - Starring Ricky Gervais's character from the British version, aka the original version.  If you never saw the original version, then take Steve Carrell's character and multiple his irritation factor by about 100 and you will get Ricky Gervais's character.
• Kickboxer Reboot - Dave Bautista, aka Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy, will be starring in this remake/reboot.  Will it be worth watching?  Let's just say that when a wrestler is the star, that should give you your answer.
• Bloodsport Reboot - Another remake of a Jean Claude Van Damme movie?  Why?!?
• Tomorrowland - You know the ride inside of Epcot's large ball?  Well, they are making a movie about it and it will be starring George Clooney.  Fucking Hollywood.
• Dawn of the Planet of the Apes 3 - I didn't see the second Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, but I heard good things, so why not make another one?

NOKW - Face/Off

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Face/Off

Basic Plot:  Nicolas Cage and John Travolta trade faces so Travolta can find a bomb planted by Cage somewhere in his town, but it doesn't go as planned.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that it really doesn't matter about this part because this movie's concept is utterly ridiculous and totally worked somehow, so we are going to skip it and get to the part that really bugs me.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that I still don't know how Good Guy Cage escaped from the prison where he found out where the bomb was planted from Bag Guy Cage's brother.  In case you have forgotten, the reason Good Guy Cage was even in prison was the reason for the entire plot.  He switched faces with Bad Guy Cage in order to trick Bad Guy Cage's brother into telling him where a bomb was planted.  Bad Guy Cage wakes up, becomes Bad Guy Travolta, and traps Good Guy Cage in prison.  Now, GG Cage has to break out of prison and stop BG Travolta from stealing his life.  The first part of GG Cage's escape plan is decent enough, create a distraction and then break out.  The problem with this plan is that the prison is in the middle of the ocean.  GG Cage makes it outside the prison and we see him jump off the top of the prison into the water, and the next time we see him he is back in his hometown.  How in the hell did he get back?  Did he get help from the police?  Nope, they all think he is Bad Guy Cage.  Did he steal a boat?  We have no idea, they didn't show us.  Did he swim back?  Hell no, he would have died before making it home.  So, how in the hell did he escape from prison?  I am not okay with that.

"Here is Good Guy Cage pretending to be Bad Guy Cage, confused yet?"

Stupid State Laws - Florida 13

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Florida

"Lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron."

and

"Women may not expose their breasts while performing 'topless dancing'."

A double dose of stupid on this one.  Both dumb laws seem to make it illegal to even have strip clubs worth going to in Florida, and yet, Miami is known to have some really nice establishments (fellow Brainfart contributor, Alex, told me how awesome they are).  Now, if you are going to allow lap dances, but not allow the girl with daddy issues to grind away on your crouch, then why call them lap dances at all.  Wouldn't they just be called "private dances"?  That law is so dumb the wording doesn't even make sense.  And speaking of dumb wording, strippers can't show their boobs during topless dancing?!?  The lawmakers who came up with this one do realize how stupid that sounds, right?  I guess not because they still went ahead and made this ridiculous law anyways.  And for that matter, if strippers can't dance topless, and they can't give proper lap dances, why didn't they just outlaw strip clubs altogether?  Wouldn't that make way more sense?  Of course it would!  Damn it Florida, you have truly topped yourselves this time.

"Damn it rookie, this is an undercover lap dance sting, don't look so happy."
"I'm just staying in character, Sarge."
"Oh.  Good thinking.  Keep it up."
"Not a problem, hehe."
"Get your head out of the gutter, rookie, you're a professional."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Have you ever watched football and thought to yourself, "Dude, this is a pretty violent sport".  Well, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Summary:  At first, you just assumed I posted a video of a soccer riot or a giant fight, but boy were you wrong.  This is Calcio Storico, an Italian game where it appears that everyone beats the shit out of each other with a ball thrown in there just to make it okay to punch the other team.  No pads, no rules (that I can see), but loads of violence.  Football has nothing on this game.

Who Is This? Part 21

Super easy one.  You got this, I know it.  Who are they?  No clue?  Alright, this one might require a clue.  They both played the same part in the movie you know them from.  Easy, right?  NO?!?  What is wrong with you?  Uggggg!  Fine, another hint.  They both played the same part of a kid who was adopted by Adam Sandler.  Yup, those guys are Cole and Dylan Sprouse, who played Julian in Big Daddy.  Yeah, they both played the part.  I don't know how that works and I really wonder if even they knew who was who when they finally saw the movie, because I sure didn't know there were two kids playing the part.

So, what have they been up to lately?  Up until a couple of years ago, they both had a regular part on some Disney show called The Suite Life on Deck.  That sounds about right.

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 4

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on Coaches Poll
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

#5 Auburn Tigers @ #20 Kansas State Wildcats (+9.5)

Thursday 7:30
ESPN

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (+8) @ Virginia Tech Hokies

12:00
ESPN

Florida Gators @ #2 Alabama Crimson Tide (-15.5)

3:30
CBS

#25 North Carolina Tarheels @ East Carolina Pirates (-2.5)

3:30
ESPNU

Mississippi State Bulldogs @ #8 LSU Tigers (-10)

7:00
ESPN

Miami Hurricanes @ #22 Nebraska Cornhuskers (-7)

8:00
ESPN2

#24 Clemson Tigers (+19.5) @ #1 Florida State Seminoles

8:00
ABC

-I should point out that I picked Clemson with that line before Jamies Winston was suspended for the 1st half of the game.  Can I prove this?  Sure, I'm a Clemson fan, of course I picked them to cover as soon as I saw the initial line.

-Why don't they have a stat for passing yards at the catch?  What I mean is, they should have a stat that shows how many yards a QB threw for at the point at which the WR caught the ball.  This would give us a better idea of whether the QB is any good or if his WRs are the ones making him look good.  Too many times do I see a QB who has huge yardage, but all of that yardage is on a screen pass that the WR took for big yardage.  For example, during this past week's Monday Night Football, the Eagle's Darren Sproles had 152 receiving yards, 148 of which were after the catch.  So, that means that Eagles' QB Nick Foles was only responsible for 4 of those yards, but gets credit for all 152 yards.  And that is why we need a stat for something like this.  I should point out that Foles is my fantasy football QB and loved every yard, but I still feel like they should have some sort of stat that accounts for the talent of said QB's wide receivers.

-If you gave every coach the exact same players, who would win the most games?  I honestly want to know.

-I heard an interview with Seattle Seahawks' cornerback Richard Sherman the other day that made me stop and think about something he said.  Basically, he said that the NFL keeps making more and more rules that favor the offense because it allows for more points which makes fantasy football more appealing.  And because fantasy football makes the NFL tons of money, they are making the game more fun for fantasy players.  Oddly enough, that makes a ton of sense.  Why else would they keep screwing over defenses?  Safety?  Ha!

-Well, that's what I get for picking all road teams, a 1-4 week.  I've learned my lesson.  Or I at least probably should have learned a lesson here, but that could all change a week from now.  Okay, I didn't actually learn any lessons and have no intentions of doing so anytime soon.  In any case, I guarantee a winning week or your money back.

-Last Week's Funniest College GameDay Sign:

(Two reasons I liked this one the best, 1) So true, and 2) Carlton.)

-Alright, enjoy the fourth week of college football.

Last Week's Results: 1-4
Season Results: 8-7

Space Travel

I really don't think the human race will ever travel to the stars.  Why?  Because the investment just isn't worth it.  Unless we figure out how to travel at a speed thousands of times faster than the speed of light or learn how to bend space, anyone who invests in space travel is just throwing their money away.  It would be wiser to invest in Facebook stock.

Look at it this way.  If we build a space craft that can at least travel at the speed of light, it would take eight and a half years to travel to the nearest star and back.  And what would be gained by that?  Absolutely nothing.  There is nothing near Alpha Centauri A that would be worth investing billions of dollars to send someone there.  Sure, you would be able to say that you sent humans to the stars, but you wouldn't receive anything from your investment.  Some good press?  Yeah, but is that worth the money you sunk into the project?  Nope.

What about the other nearby stars?  Maybe they have something worth the investment?  They might, but let's say the closest star with profitable resources is 40 light years away.  That means it would be an 80 year round trip plus the time it would take to gather said resources.  So, by the time that the space craft gets back to Earth, everyone that spent money on the expedition would be dead as would be the crew who flew there.  In other words, this project would never even make it past the initial investment meeting.

And what happens if the space craft is damaged?  Communication from those distances isn't feasible.  The good news is that radio waves travel at the speed of light.  The bad news is that if the space craft sent out a mayday, it would take years just for someone who could help to hear it.  And even if they do hear it, that would mean doubling the cost of the project just to send someone out to save the first craft, assuming they are still alive.  On top of that, saving the first mission doesn't profit anyone involved.

In conclusion, unless humans can invent a way to create wormholes in space or build an engine that can travel way faster than the speed of light, I highly doubt we will ever travel the galaxy.  Hell, we can't even cure the common cold, so I doubt space travel is high on our priority list.  Then again, robots will take over the world soon enough and I bet they will travel the stars just to mock us filthy human scum.

"And don't even get me started on the problems with chest-bursting aliens."

Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman is in everything.  Or at least it seems that way sometimes.  So, I decided to do a little research and see how many movies he has been in recently and present it to you, dear reader, in a bullet presentation.  Fun, right?  No?!?  You're a dick and you're mean words won't affect me in any way....besides maybe crying myself to sleep.  In any case, I looked up the number of things he has been credited for since 2000 on IMDB.  I included all movies, TV appearances, and anything he narrated because I feel like that counts.  Let's see if I'm right about him being in everything:

• 2000 - 3
• 2001 - 1
• 2002 - 2
• 2003 - 5
• 2004 - 3
• 2005 - 8
• 2006 - 3
• 2007 - 3
• 2008 - 3
• 2009 - 3
• 2010 - 1
• 2011 - 2
• 2012 - 1
• 2013 - 4
• 2014 - 8

Has he been in everything?  The answer is - kind of.  Well, at least this year he sure has been.  Eight movies in one year is a lot and it wasn't the first time he has done it in his career.  When in the hell does he find the time to do so much stuff?  It's not like he is a young guy with the energy to tackle every project he can get his hands on, but he sure seems to find both the time and energy.  Kudos to you, Morgan, I wish I could find the energy to write a halfway decent post now and then.

Random Movie Trivia - Austin Powers

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

• Mike Myers originally wanted Jim Carrey to play Dr. Evil, but Carrey eventually passed due to scheduling conflicts with Liar Liar (1997). Myers then took the iconic role himself.
• Part of the influence for this film can be seen in an early sketch Mike Myers did for Saturday Night Live (1975) in which several of James Bond's nemeses complain about his invulnerability and how much easier it should be to kill him.
• The America Online on Austin's computer is version 3.0. In the commentary on the DVD, Mike Myers states that he did the AOL product placement to get a free year of service from them.
• Both Elizabeth Hurley and Mimi Rogers asked to keep their tight leather outfits and were allowed to.
• When Mike Myers as Doctor Evil suggests blackmailing the Royal Family about the Princess of Wales, in reality she had been killed in Paris at the time of the film's release in England.
• Robert Wagner's role in this series is fitting, as he has a connection to two Bond girls.Lana Wood, the sister of his first wife Natalie Wood, appeared in Diamonds Are Forever (1971), along with his present wife, Jill St. John.
• Dr. Evil's appearance (bald head, gray suit, scar over his eye, cat on his lap) is based on Bond's arch nemesis Ernst Stavro Blofeld portrayed by Donald Pleasence in You Only Live Twice (1967), while his voice and mannerisms are based on longtime Saturday Night Live(1975) executive producer Lorne Michaels.
• Comedian Colin Quinn was offered the role of Scott Evil, but he turned it down to focus on his writing projects.
• When Vanessa sits next to Austin in the last scene during their honeymoon, there is a piece of red tape over her left breast. There were photographers on the set and this prevented them from being able to sell topless pictures of Elizabeth Hurley to the papers.

Stupid State Laws - Florida 12

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Florida

"No ass can stand on a sidewalk within town limits."

I picked this one because 100 years ago, it made sense.  Today, not so much.  Sure, having a donkey on a sidewalk in town would be asking for people to step in ass shit (see what I did there).  But if you take today's meaning of the word "ass", this law is hilarious.  Especially for the state of Florida.  Do you know how many asses live down there?  Like a billion.  I really hope some dude acting like a dick on a sidewalk has been arrested because of this law (and not just because he was acting like an asshole).  Seriously Florida, you should probably look into repelling this law in the near future.  Then again, I could see Floridians then thinking that means they can take their pet donkeys into town again.  Idiots.

"Alright rookie, let's just follow this ass until he sets foot on a sidewalk and mace him."
"Sarge, I think the law means no donkeys can stand on a sidewalk, not assholes."
"Really?  Damn.  Well, let's mace this guy anyways."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  I saw a commercial for the new season of The Voice and thought to myself, "I feel like I should hate Adam Levine, but I don't.  Why?".  The answer is because of his work on SNL, like this SNL Digital Short:

Summary:  That's the reason.  That and I couldn't name one Maroon 5 song to save my life which I feel like is a good thing.

Crappy Last Movies

I got to thinking the other day, "What happened to Burt Reynolds?  The last time I saw him was in that terrible Jason Statham movie, In The Name of the King.  I really hope that wasn't his last movie".  It turns out it wasn't, but I haven't heard of any of the other stuff he has done recently either.  So, this thought got me to make a list of the terrible movies of some well thought of actors.  Enjoy:

• Sean Connery, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - The only reason this former James Bond did this movie was because he passed up on Gandolf in Lord of the Rings.  Yikes and Yikes.
• Gene Hackman, Welcome to Mooseport - We haven't seen Gene since 2004!  What's more amazing is that three years before his retirement, he had six movies come out.  So, he literally went from being in everything to nothing quickly.
• Marlon Brando, The Score - The good news is that he got one more movie in after The Island of Dr. Moreau.  The bad news is that that movie was still a piece of shit.
• Jack Nicholson, How Do You Know - Yeah, Jack hasn't done a movie since 2010 and it was one I couldn't tell you anything about.  Not only that, but he doesn't even have anything in production.  In fact, he has only done three movies in the past decade and only one of them was any good (The Departed).  Weird.
• Raul Julia, Street Fighter - It feels like this guy has done a ton of movies, but can you name anything other than the Addams Family movies and Street Fighter that he was in?  I can't either.
• Elizabeth Taylor, The Flintstones - I never got her appeal.  She was supposedly the hottest thing in Hollywood in her heyday and yet I can't see it.  Sure, most of the pictures I've seen of her are in black and white, but so was Marilyn Monroe and I could see her beauty....kind of.
• Rick Moranis, Brother Bear 2 - I miss this dude.  He was the man.  I guess the good news is that he still does stuff, but sadly, that stuff is country music albums.  I'm hoping they finally make a Ghostbusters sequel so that he will come out of retirement and bless us with his awesomeness.
• Bridget Fonda, The Whole Shebang - Remember her?  I know I do.  Oddly enough, she is another actor who I feel like was in a lot of stuff but I can't name a single movie she was in off of the top of head other than Lake Placid.  Do you know why she retired?  Because she got married to Danny Elfman and stayed at home to raise the kids.  Who is Danny Elfman?  Oh, you know, he has composed every movie and TV theme song ever, from The Simpsons to Tales from the Crypt to Batman to Good Will Hunting.  Everything!

"So hot."

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 3

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on Coaches Poll
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

Central Florida Knights (+10) @ #22 Missouri Tigers

12:00
SEC Network

West Virginia Mountaineers (+3.5) @ Maryland Terrapins

12:00
Big 10 Network

#6 Georgia Bulldogs (-6) @ #23 South Carolina Jerkwads

3:30
CBS

Tennessee Volunteers (+20.5) @ #3 Oklahoma Sooners

8:00
ABC

#12 UCLA Bruins (-8) @ Texas Longhorns

8:00
FOX

-Yup, all road teams.

-If ESPN didn't own the rights to the SEC, would Johnny Manziel be as popular as he is?  Would he have been drafted in 1st round?  What I mean is, ESPN seems to love to shove this guy down our throats at every chance they can and if they weren't such a big influence in the world of sports, would he be as big a deal as he is?  Look at it this way, who was the last SEC player that they reported everything about, from his practice reports to if he sneezed in the locker room?  One word - Tebow.  And what happened to him?  ESPN created such a media frenzy around him that he can't even get a third-string QB job in the league because no team wants to deal with the unnecessary nonsense that follows him around.  All I'm saying is, once the overrated Manziel eventually flames out in Cleveland (and it will happen), will he have the same fate as Tebow?  Actually, I would say no, but that's because Manziel is an ugly little guy who wouldn't make a good transition to TV analyst.

-And here is another reason to hate the deal ESPN made with the SEC.

• Sam Houston State v. LSU 7:30 SEC Network
• San Jose State v. Auburn 7:00 ESPN2
• East Carolina v. South Carolina 7:00 ESPNU

That was ESPN's primetime lineup on Saturday night.  Of those three games, only one was mildly entertaining and that was because the Gamecocks are still wildly overrated.  I probably should have picked that game instead of the BYU v. Texas game last week.

-And speaking of the deal between ESPN and the SEC, I'm sort of shocked that GameDay is going to Fargo for the North Dakota State game instead of Columbia, SC for a Top 25 match-up (the only one of the weekend) between two SEC teams.  Then again, South Carolina kind of sucks.  BURN!!!

-As for my picks last week, I went 4-1 and that one loss was on a game I picked only because I needed to choose five games.  Stupid Texas.  And yet, I'm picking their game again this week, what is wrong with me?  It doesn't really matter because I still did awesome and will do so again this week or your money back.

-Last Week's Funniest College GameDay Sign:

(I didn't actually see GameDay last week because I was went to the Clemson game, so this was the best I could find after scrounging the internet.)

-Alright, enjoy the third week of college football.

Last Week's Results: 4-1
Season Results: 7-3

Ranking Summer Movies I Saw

I saw more movies in the theater this summer than I have in a long time.  Maybe it's because the quality of movies have sucked lately and this summer had some quality flicks, but more likely it was because I had a couple of gift cards burning a hole in my pocket.  In any case, I thought I would rank the movies I did see from worst to best.  Here goes:

• 6) The Amazing Spider-Man 2 - When I first left this movie, I actually kind of liked it.  Then I got to think about it and hated it more and more.  For some reason, they tried to cram way too much into this thing and failed miserably.  The action scenes were good, but everything else was a train wreck.
• 5) How To Train Your Dragon 2 - Yup, I saw this movie in the theater.  I took my 6 year old nephew to see it so he would stop annoying my mom for a couple of hours.  I would have ranked it above Godzilla, but seeing a movie with a 6 year old who doesn't stop moving or talking really makes it hard to enjoy.  In the end, I liked the first one more.
• 4) Godzilla - This movie really wasn't that bad......if they would have shown more of Godzilla and less of the unattractive Elizabeth Olson.  When Godzilla did finally get some screen time, it was amazing, the only problem is that it took an hour and a half for that to happen.  In the sequel, we better get non-stop giant monster fights (same goes for you, Pacific Rim 2).
• 3) X-Men: Days of Future Past - Great movie.  Nothing special, but it got the job done.
• 2) Captain America: The Winter Soldier - Okay, technically this wasn't a summer movie because it came out in early April, but it should count because it was the second best movie of summer/spring.  I think what made it really good was that it was a comic book movie without going overboard with comic book stuff and instead they made it more of a conspiracy thriller.  Sure, it had a guy with a bionic arm, but so did the Six Million Dollar Man and nobody called that a comic book show.
• 1) Guardians of the Galaxy - Best movie of the summer by far.  So good that I saw it twice and loved it both times.  It was an origin story without being an origin story.  Instead of showing flashbacks and cut-scenes of each characters' pasts, they just knocked out their lives with a couple lines of dialogue and it totally worked.  Chris Pratt is going to be a star, a huge star.

"This sexy redhead played the blue skinned villain, Nebula, in Guardians of the Galaxy.  I only posted this picture because she meets my "Perfect Woman Trifecta" - tall, redhead, and British."

Old NFL Players

For some reason, I decided to do a little research on the age of NFL players.  I wanted to know how many players were over the age of 30, because I feel like it really can't be that many.  Other than QBs, I'm guessing that for most position groups, there are not that many guys still playing that are 30 years old and above.  And that's why I made this list.  My results came from a look at the rosters according to ESPN.  Let's see what I got (the age in the parentheses is the oldest of each group):

• QBs - 30 (38 years old)
• RBs - 10 (33 years old)
• WRs - 27 (35 years old)
• TEs - 13 (32 years old)
• OLs - 59 (37 years old)
• DLs - 44 (35 years old)
• LBs - 35 (36 years old)
• DBs - 32 (37 years old)
• Ks/Ps - 26 (41 years old)

And what did we learn?  That's 276 guys out of roughly 1,700 total players (or 16%) in the league are 30 and up.  I would say that that means football is a young man's game.  I did find it funny that nearly 50% of all kickers and punters are over 30.  Also, while doing this post, I found that Seattle has a really young team, so don't expect them to drop off any time soon.

"The face of the oldest guy in the NFL."

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Robin Williams

Here is where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Robin Williams

Top 5

Sean Maguire, Good Will Hunting - At first, I wanted to honor Robin by doing a post with nothing but his best roles.  But then I looked up his body of work and he had a lot of stinkers.  In any case, I started with his Oscar winning part.
Alan Parrish, Jumanji - This movie was a must watch as a kid and I loved every minute of it.  Somehow, it stands up to this day.
Genie, Aladdin - Another must watch kid movie even if it is highly racist and teaches us a terrible lesson - if you want something, you just have to wish for it and not work for it.  Seems like kind of a bad way to live life by.
Daniel Hillard , Mrs. Doubtfire - Robin was great in this movie, but I liked Pierce Brosnan better, only because he was in the middle of his James Bond fame and he might be the first James Bond to make a decent movie while still playing Bond.
Rainbow Rudolph, Death to Smoochy - Highly underrated movie.  It's weird, but still highly entertaining.  Seriously, how did a movie about a guy in a giant Rhinoceros costume make it past the drawing board?

Bottom 5

Dan, Old Dogs - I always get this movie and Wild Hogs mixed up, but for good reason, they both sucked.
Bob Munro, RV - The only reason Robin could have possibly chosen to do this movie was for money.  Did he even read the script before he decided to cash the check?
Andrew Martin, Bicentennial Man - Never saw this thing, but based on the movie poster, it looked dumb.
Leslie Zevo, Toys - What can you say about this movie?  They make it look like a kid's movie, but that couldn't be further from the truth.  Seriously, nothing about this movie is meant for kids.
Popeye, Popeye - While Robin made a decent Popeye, the rest of the movie was a pile of garbage.  I kind of want to see Hollywood remake this thing only because I know it will bomb.  Anyone under 30 probably has never heard of this guy.

"R.I.P. Robin, you will be missed."

Stupid State Laws - Florida 11

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Florida

"Torpedoes may not be set off in the city."

That makes sense, you don't want some dumb Floridian blowing up a city while trying to impress his stupid friends on a dare.  Then again, shouldn't this one be chalked up to common sense?  Who in their right mind would want to blow a torpedo......oh yeah.  It's Florida.  The state known for its white trash residents.  Which brings me to another thought.  Wasn't Florida known for its over abundance of old people not that long ago?  In order to change the perception of a state that quickly is quite impressive.  Their residents must have been working overtime with their stupidity the past decade to be able to make the nation forget about their old people and now only picture a state full of hicks wearing jean shorts and NASCAR cut-off t-shirts.  Congratulations Florida, you truly are a one of kind.

"Rookie, look what we have here.  A law breaker!"
"But Sarge, this guy hasn't set off the torpedo."
"Good, let's make him set it off because I've always wanted to see one of these things go off.  Then we arrest him."
"Isn't that entrapment?"
"He won't know that, anyone dumb enough to own one of these won't know the law."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  I think the title of this video sets it up nicely, enjoy:

Summary:  There is no way a garage door can lift a person, let alone being able to generate enough lift to kill them.  And how was the death by basketball to the head not the most ridiculous.  I'm sorry, but a man couldn't throw a basketball hard enough to make someone's head explode and yet a hot chick could?  Just ridiculous.

Who Is This? Part 20

So, who is that scruffy looking dude?  No, it's not the uni-bomber's son.  Try again.  Nothing?  How about a hint, idiot?  His most famous role involved making friends.  Perfect hint if I say so myself.  It wasn't?  Gosh, you really are dumb today, dear reader.  Here's another hint for your slow-witted mind.  His most famous role involved making friends with a luck dragon named Falcor.  Yup, that is Barret Oliver, the guy who played Bastian as a kid in The Neverending Story.  He sure has let himself go, hasn't he?

What is he up to now?  I'll put it this way, if you click on his IMDB page, it still shows a picture of himself as a kid.  So, I'm guessing he hasn't done much other than grow a beard.  Also, doesn't he kind of look like the kid from Jurassic Park?

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 2

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on Coaches Poll
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

#14 USC Trojans (+3) @ #10 Stanford Cardinal

3:30
ABC

#6 Michigan State Spartans @ #4 Oregon Ducks (-12)

6:30
FOX

Michigan Wolverines @ #15 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-3.5)

7:30
NBC

BYU Cougars @ #25 Texas Longhorns (-1.5)

7:30
Fox Sports 1

Virginia Tech Hokies (+11) @ #7 Ohio State Buckeyes

8:00
ESPN

-A buddy of mine asked me this summer what record Clemson could finish with and I would be happy.  My response was 1-11, as long as that one win was against those dirty South Carolina Gamecocks.  Then I got to thinking about it and realized that that response was not only the funny answer but also true.  Just imagine if your favorite team was winless going into the last game against your arch-rival and your team won.  You could hold that win over their heads for years.  They would say "Your team sucks, they only won one game" and you can always respond with "Yeah, but who did they beat, sucka!".  Sure, it would suck to have such a shitty record, but hilarious that you won the one game that truly matters.

-How many bandwagon SEC fans do you think know what SEC stands for?

-When I heard that Brent Musburger was going to announce games for the SEC Network, I was fairly curious to see who they would pick to be his color analyst.  So, I tuned into the Texas A&M v. South Carolina game to find out and then heard the worst choice possible.  Jesse Palmer.  I can't stand that guy.  I know I've expressed my dislike for him on multiple occasions in last year's WPOTW, but seriously, this is an insult to college football.  That guy is a blowhard and seems to speak just to hear the sound of his own voice.  He adds nothing to the game but false or blatantly obvious statements.  As fellow Brainfart contributor Alex, a Georgia Tech grad but childhood South Carolina fan, texted me during the game "There's nothing worse than losing and having to listen to Jesse Palmer".  And to top it off, he has grown the douchiest beard possible.  Epic fail, SEC Network.

-As for my picks last week, I finished above .500 and would have done better had I not switched the FSU pick at the last second.  Oh well.  In any case, I guarantee a winning week this week or your money back.

-Last Week's Funniest College GameDay Sign:

(If you don't get this, Google "Jameis Winston Crab Legs" and then you will laugh, too.)

-Alright, enjoy the second week of college football.

Last Week's Results: 3-2
Season Results: 3-2

2014 NFL Predictions

Just like we did with college football, we here at Brainfart thought it should be our duty to give you guys our predictions for the upcoming NFL season.  Did I say predictions?  I meant, we are going to show you the future.  Let's do this:

	Sambo	Alex
AFC North	Cincinnati	Pittsburgh
AFC East	New England	New England
AFC South	Indianapolis	Indianapolis
AFC West	Denver	Denver
Wildcard #1	Pittsburgh	Tennessee
Wildcard #2	Baltimore	Jets
NFC North	Green Bay	Green Bay
NFC East	Philadelphia	Dallas
NFC South	New Orleans	Tampa Bay
NFC West	Seattle	Seattle
Wildcard #1	Arizona	Chicago
Wildcard #2	Tampa Bay	New Orleans
Super Bowl Winner	Denver	Green Bay
	Awards
MVP	Aaron Rodgers	Peyton Manning
Def. POY	J.J. Watt	Richard Sherman
Off. ROY	Brandin Cooks	Kelvin Benjamin
Def. ROY	Ryan Shazier*	Clowney**

*Clowney can suck it! ** Haters gonna hate

"FOOTBAWLLLLLL!!!!"