Mega-Conferences

I've never understood why college football seems so determined to set-up what they call "Mega-Conferences". If you don't know what I'm talking about, basically instead of having the six current "big boy" conferences of 10 to 14 teams (ACC, SEC, Big 10, Big 12, Big East, and PAC-12), they would take the teams from the six current conferences and create four mega-conferences of 16 teams each.  So, let's ask the big question - is this actually a good thing for college football?  I say no and here is why:

• It would dilute competition.  Right now, each school from a "big boy" conference plays 8 or 9 conference games and 3 or 4 non-conference games (mostly against cupcake teams, aka easy wins) per year.  But if we go to four mega-conferences, how many conference games would each team play?  I feel like playing only 8 conference games defeats the purpose when you have 15 other teams in that conference and playing any more than that doesn't allow a team to pad their schedule with easy wins.  And since going undefeated while winning the National Championship is the crowning achievement of college football, the new format would make it nearly impossible to do that.  From 1950 to 2002, the National Champion finished the season undefeated 39 times, and from 2003 to 2011, only twice has the National Champion finished with zero losses.  In other words, the number of times the NC finished with a blemish on their record has increased substantially in the past nine seasons.  So in essence, having mega-conferences would make college football more like the NFL in that going undefeated will be close to impossible and I don't think college football wants to become exactly like the NFL.
• It would make screwing up the new college football playoff easier.  If we assume that each conference has a championship game and that that winner moves on to the new four-team National Championship playoff, then all it would take is one bad game by the most deserving team in the conference championship for them to be bounced from the National Championship picture.  In other words, college football would once again be looking more and more like the NFL but without wild cards which is even worse.  However, college football likes its uniqueness and they would be taking that away (not that the BCS is something college football should hang their hat on).
• It makes getting to the National Championship even harder.  I know this one sounds a lot like the last point, but it bears repeating.  A couple of the ACC schools (FSU and Clemson for example) are talking about jumping to the Big 12 (which only has 10 teams, not 12) because of financial and competition reasons.  But why would they want do that when it is easier to go undefeated in the ACC then it would be to go undefeated in the Big 12?  Seriously, why would FSU want out of the ACC if they think it is a crappier football conference which means it gives them the best path to going undefeated which would make it easier for them to get to the National Championship playoff which in turn would generate their school plenty of revenue and national exposure?  That makes no sense to me.  I know jumping to the Big 12 would bring in bigger TV revenue, but isn't winning the National Championship just as big a goal as making money?  Apparently not anymore.

Sure, you could argue that mega-conferences would generate more money, but that's not a given.  Plus it would make college football nothing more than the NFL Minor Leagues and I don't think that that is something that college football wants to do.  Personally, I think the decision-makers should hold off a couple of seasons and see how the new look 14-team SEC (and soon-to-be 14-team ACC) fairs with their extra conference games.  Either they are going to prove me wrong and it really doesn't make that big a difference or the SEC will falter and fall flat on their smug faces which everyone should enjoy (except smug SEC fans).

"I would have a hard time actually watching a game if these ladies were sitting beside me.  Also, do you think FSU charges more for the tickets that seat you next to these ladies?"

Lyrical Lies - Call Me Maybe

This column will strip away the catchy instrumentals and analyze the ridiculousness of the lyrics in popular songs.  I understand it is taking things to the extremes, but that's what I do - I go to extremes.  I am not going to comment on repeating lines or verses other than to occasionally note how much repetition there is in all songs.  And away we go:

Song:  Call Me Maybe
Artist:  Carly Rae Jespen


"I threw a wish in the well, Don't ask me, I'll never tell I looked to you as it fell, and now you're in my way"
-Wow - what an opener!  Where to start?  "Don't ask me" about what i just said 3 words ago?  I could just skip back to the beginning if I had a question about the well.  It's a good idea to keep looking at someone a secret - only bad things can come of that.  Is she 15?  Nope - 26.  "now you're in my way" - oh I get it, the first verse sets this thing up to be a scorned lover song, probably filled with angst and substance - let's move foreword.
 
"I trade my soul for a wish, pennies and dimes for a kiss I wasn't looking for this, but now you're in my way"
-If I have this correct you just threw your soul down a well.  Yikes.  This is getting serious and dark, quick make a veiled hooker reference - coins for kisses?  Is she living in the 1930s?  What aren't you looking for - you have alluded to absolutely nothing.  Again there is a guy in the way - last time I checked you didn't even want him to ask you anything.
 
"Your stare was holdin', Ripped jeans, skin was showin' Hot night, wind was blowin' Where you think you're going, baby?"
-So he did see you looking at him?  Because earlier you made it seem like you didn't want him to know you were looking but now you are staring.   
 
"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me, maybe?"
-That is not that crazy - the whole premise of the chorus is destroyed.  This chorus is repeated 5 times so you cannot miss how wrong this is.  What should you do, run away and hide - no, too juvenile.  Sleep with me right now?  Too whory.  Exchange numbers?  Maybe hit me up of Facebook?  That seems normal. 
 
"It's hard to look right, at you baby, but here's my number, so call me, maybe?"
-I am beginning to think this is just a courtesy to an ugly guy.  No way that is your real number she is giving you.  She can't even look at you!  
 
"You took your time with the call, I took no time with the fall You gave me nothing at all, but still, you're in my way"
-Confusion sets in.  He waited to call but when he did you immediately fell in love with him.   Then he gave you nothing but he's in your way?  What?  Is he in your way because he is interrupting your throwing stuff in wells schedule?
 
"I beg, and borrow and steal At first sight and it's real I didn't know I would feel it, but it's in my way"
-Red flag!  Red flag!  You are a thief?  And you admit it?  Sounds like a kleptomaniac to me.  Also, for the love of all that is holy, stop referencing "it" without ever defining what "it" is.  Words can be deep if no one can figure them out - just ask Franz Kafka.
 

"And all the other boys, try to chase me, but here's my number, so call me, maybe?"
You give your number out to a boy you kind of want to call and I am supposed to believe everyone is chasing you?  I call you a last call girl - you will give it to anyone.  There is no maybe there.
 
"Before you came into my life I missed you so bad I missed you so bad I missed you so, so bad
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad And you should know that I missed you so, so bad"
-No kidding - I'm glad you think I should know that but you pretty much covered it by repeating the same thing 7 times.  Seems like a lot but count them - 7 times! 

"Meh.....She is skinny I guess"

Helium

Did you know that the world is running out of helium?  And if you know anything about 'Supply and Demand', that last sentence shouldn't make any sense.  Why?  Because, if the world is running out of helium, why can we still buy a balloon full of it for a couple of bucks instead of its current market price of $100?  It turns out that the US controls 80% of the world's helium and for some reason, we passed a law in 1996 that requires that we sell our helium stockpile by 2015.  And because the US is flooding the market, you can buy a balloon full of helium really cheap, but when we run out, that price is going to skyrocket.  You are probably saying "big deal, when do we use helium other than when we inhale it to talk like Mickey Mouse?".  Well, the problem is that we use helium for a multitude of other things like cooling MRI magnets, fiber optics, and LCD screens.  So, when the US finally runs out of the stuff, the next time you need to have any medical procedure done that requires one of those fancy machines that the hospital uses, it will cost you a fortune (not that it's cheap now).  Oh, and kids the world over will have birthdays without balloons.  Just thought I should pass that along.  (Also, I saw this video posted on Yahoo shortly after I wrote this post discussing the shortage.)

"If she were a hooker, those balloons would cost more."

NOKW - Harry Potter 7-2

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

Basic Plot:  Harry and his pals star in the final movie of the Harry Potter series and there are wizards, witches, giant snakes, and giant giants.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that the wizarding world considers the term "mud blood" to be bad, but has no problem calling non-magic people "muggles" even though that sounds way more derogatory.  The fact that Harry is the luckiest son of bitch ever.  The fact that even though Ron is basically worthless when it comes to using magic, Harry still brings him along on his adventures which involves taking on evil wizards, dragons, werewolves, and giants.  The fact that the bad guys had Hogwarts booby-trapped and Harry was still able to easily sneak inside.  The fact that spell-check now considers Voldemort and Hogwarts as real words.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that after Harry kills Voldemort (I would have said Spoiler Alert, but if you didn't know that that was where these movies were heading, then you were either pulling for the bad guys or an idiot), no one seems to acknowledge that he had just rid the world of Wizard Hitler.  Seriously, he limps back into the Great Hall with blood pouring out of numerous spots on his body and only Hagrid even notices he's still alive, and he only hugs him and walks away.  Everyone saw he and Voldemort were fighting and when only Harry comes back, you would think everyone would be a little more appreciative of what no one else was able to do - you know, kill Voldemort, the biggest threat to the Wizarding World.  Instead, they ignore him and are either mourning the dead (which is understandable) or laughing with friends.  In the first movie, Harry wins the Quidditch Cup and they throw a huge party, but when he defeats the wizard that wanted to enslave the world, they pretend like nothing happened.  I am not okay with that.

"This should be the standard Hogwarts uniform for girls."

Movie Loan Sharking

I've never understood the way movies like to portray how movie loan sharking works.  Movies love to show loan sharks beat up or threaten to and/or kill the guy who owes them money, but how can this possibly be good for business?  If you break a guy's legs or kill him, how is he going to be able to make the money to pay you back?  Sure, they could say they are sending a message, but then the loan shark is still not getting paid the money they are owed.  Instead, they are looking at a police investigation that will definitely point their way when the cops realize the dead guy owed them a lot of money.

Let's look at an example, in the movie Rounders (which stars Matt Damon who plays a poker player), Damon's buddy Worm (played by Edward Norton) owes a loan shark a lot of money and he takes a beating because of it.  So by beating Worm up, Worm has decided that instead of paying the loan shark his money, he is just going to skip town and make Matt Damon pay it for him.  In the end, Damon came up with the cash and the loan shark got his money, but what if Worm didn't have any friends that were willing to help him out?  In that case, he would have left town and the loan shark would be out a lot of money with no way of getting it back and that can't be good for business.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that movie loan sharking sounds like a terrible business venture to get into because either you are not going to get your money or you are going to end up in jail for murder or assault.

"If this is what poker players look like today, maybe I am in the wrong profession."

Justin Bieber

First off, I want to say that Justin Bieber is a talent-less hack.  Having said that, I did find out something about him that I'm not sure many people know (other than his lack of talent).  He is Canadian.  Since I usually always change the channel or skip over anything I see or read about him, for some reason this fact struck me as surprising.  Usually when you find out someone is Canadian, you instantly assume they are polite and/or funny.  In fact, you would be surprised how many comedian actors are Canadian, just look at this list:

• Will Arnett
• Dan Aykroyd
• Michael Cera
• Tommy Chong (the most surprising)
• Michael J. Fox
• John Candy
• Jim Carrey
• Phil Hartman
• Norm McDonald
• Howie Mandel
• Lorn Michaels
• Mike Myers
• Rick Moranis
• Leslie Nelson
• Ryan Reynolds
• Seth Rogan
• Martin Short
• Nathan Fillion

And since most people seem to enjoy everyone on that above list, it makes it that much more surprising as to why someone like Justin Bieber is universally disliked (unless you are a teenage girl).  Than again, it's probably because he looks like a lesbian and has gotten more ass than all of us combined.

"She enjoys softball and drinking cold beer while working on her motorcycle."

More Random Mason Stories

Last week, I gave you guys a couple of quick stories about my awesome nephew Mason that happened last Christmas, so here are a couple more I am just now getting around to sharing:

• Last Christmas during Mason's older brother's Christmas Play (you know, those things they force parents to attend for no good reason), all of the singing children's siblings were invited up onto the stage at one point to sing with their brother or sister.  However, Mason would not budge an inch towards that stage.  He absolutely refused to sing and my sister just assumed he was being shy or something, but at this point, we all know better.  As soon as the singing began, Mason slipped off and headed to the kitchen where he knew he could find some unattended cookies that were supposed to be served later and he proceeded to steal as many as his little arms could carry.  He then swaggered back into the performance with an armful of cookies and started passing them out to anyone who wanted them and at the same time, stuffing as many into his mouth as he could.  Crafty kid.
• Next, I have a story I was present for.  The whole family (including my aunt, uncle, and cousins) was over at my parent's house for a holiday get-together where all the younger kids were running around playing with whatever toys they had just opened and the older family members were sitting around talking.  Then suddenly Mason walked into the living room completely naked and plopped down in the middle of the room and started playing with a random toy.  When asked where his clothes were, he responded by saying that he was going to take a shower, but then decided to play instead.  First off, he was still at that age where he only takes baths and second, he hates taking baths, so his excuse still makes no sense to this day.

Next week, I have one more Christmas story, so stay tuned for that.

"At first I thought Mason was drinking a beer, then I noticed that he is wearing two different kinds of shoes, both made for the same foot.  That crazy Mason."

The Neighbors

I was reading an article about the new TV pilots that the network channels will be pumping out this summer and fall and one of them caught my attention based solely on its plot outline.  Here it is:

"The Neighbors, about a family that moves into a highly desirable gated community in New Jersey only to discover that the entire neighborhood is made up of aliens disguised as humans."

After reading that sentence, it brought up way too many questions.  Why is this community highly desired?  Why is it in New Jersey?  Are the aliens also mob bosses?  What kind of aliens are they if they have to use disguises?  If the neighborhood is made up of only aliens, why would they let humans move in?  And that last question is the biggest one of all.  If the aliens have been able to create an alien-only community, what happened that caused them to have to allow a human family to move in?  Did they mistakenly think the humans were fellow aliens?  Did property values rise too high that only humans could afford to live there now?  The plot of this show has actually caused me to want to watch it only so they can answer that main question - why humans in an alien-only neighborhood?  So stay tuned, it debuts on ABC in the fall......and they have scheduled it to come on after Modern Family.

"If the aliens look like this, I am definitely in."

Why Isn't This Standard - Locking Gas Caps

In times of people fearing big government, occupy movements, and increasingly violent or at least over-active protests; why would you want someone to have such easy access to your car's gas tank?  It's like saying, "Hey - are you in need of an in-animate object to project your frustrations on?  Don't want to use your own car so you won't have to pay for a cab?  Want an easy way to at least annoy or at most kill someone?  Well step right up!"  Here are some possible things that could happen if you do not have a lock on your gas tank:

• Super Worst Case Scenario:  Some gross guy opens your gas cap and literally has sex with your car.
• Worst Case Scenario:  Step 1:  Light anything on fire. Step 2:  Drop thing on fire down gas tank. Step 3:  Snoopy walk your way back home and cry.
• Middle Case Scenario:  Messing with a car is quite possibly the easiest way to inflict anger and financial pain on someone.  You have to buy sugar, no problems there, and twist a cap.  Easy!  You have just ruined someone's week with using little money and even less effort.  Eventually they will figure out what is ailing their car and after $200 they are on their merry way.  A little too serious for a prank, you will get your point across and probably start a mini-war.
• Best Case Scenario:  You lock your car doors even when there is nothing in it except candy wrappers and $4 sunglasses, but the "door" to a free tank of gas which retails for around $50.00 US is wide open.  That doesn't make sense.
• Super Best Case Scenario:  Some hot guy opens your gas cap and literally has sex with your car.

The cost of a locking gas cap is about $15.  Now that you have read this you are probably at least a tiny little bit worried, so take care of that uncertainty and get a lock, son.  And car companies, make sure this comes with all new cars - how mad would you be if your car is ruined so easily by some jackass just because Big Auto wanted to save $15.

"Did you want me to pump it for you?"

Movie Sequels, Remakes, and More

In case you missed the previous Movie Sequel/Prequel posts (here, here, and here), this is where I tell you about some of the crap Hollywood is spitting out due to their lack of original ideas.  And away we go:

• This Is 40 - technically, this is the sequel to Knocked Up, but it only follows Paul Rudd and his family and doesn't look remotely funny.
• Hansel and Gretal: Witch Hunters - those little kids from the fairy tale are grown up killing witches, if I had to guess, this was written by the same people who did Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
• Scary Movie 5 - I didn't even know they made a 4th one of these.
• Oz: The Great and Powerful - this is a prequel to The Wizard of Oz where James Franco plays Oz and tells the story of how he became the ruler.  Mila Kunis is in it, so they have that going for them.
• Percy Jackson 2 - these movies make me think someone saw how much money Harry Potter was making, so they took a Greek mythology book and stuffed as much of it into a crappy movie.
• Carrie - I never saw the first one, so I probably won't see the remake.
• Jack and the Giant Killer - a live-action Jack and the Beanstalk, looks stupid.
• The Evil Dead - how can you remake this and not include the character Ash or star Bruce Campbell?
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D - I guess Leatherface is back, but horror movies are stupid, so I don't care.
• Die Hard 5 - I know I have mentioned this one before, but they released the basic plot and I got confused.  IMDB says the plot is "John McClane and his son take on local forces in Russia".  When in the hell did McClane get a son?

"Did you know that she was only 14 when she first starred on That 70's Show?"

NOKW - Star Wars IV

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

Basic Plot:  Han, Chewy, Luke, Leia, R2-D2, and a gay robot meet for the first time to take on Darth Vader and the Death Star.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Chewy can fix a warp drive but can't speak an intelligible language.  The fact that the builders of the Death Star would have even built a vent that led straight to their reactor, couldn't they just have had the vent take one turn, I'm fairly sure that would have fixed the problem.  The fact that Obi-Wan was supposed to be watching over Luke, but when Luke showed up on his doorstep, he didn't even seem to know who he was.  The fact that after blowing up Alderaan, the rebellion didn't multiply in size and take down the Empire by the 2nd movie.  The fact that the Empire has garbage monsters in their trash compactors.  The fact that Luke was the one to take down the Death Star even though he had flown an X-Wing a total of zero times.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Darth Vader didn't find his son sooner when Yoda and Obi-Wan's plan to hide Luke involved leaving him on Vader's home planet with his stepbrother.  Oh, and they didn't even bother changing Luke's last name.  That's right, Luke Skywalker was hidden in probably the first place Vader should have looked.  Meanwhile, Vader's daughter was at least given to a royal family on Alderaan and had a new last name.  That makes sense.  Luke's hiding spot was just lazy on the part of the Jedi.  Sure, you could point out that Vader thought his kids were dead, but he has the "Force" and he should have been able to sense that they were still alive and should have gone looking in the most obvious place imaginable, his home planet.  In which case, you could just logically assume that getting around in that awesome suit of his was harder than we thought.  I am not okay with that.

"Boob-ya!"

The Watch

There is a movie coming out called The Watch starring Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Johan Hill where they form a neighborhood watch and rough up some kids as well as some other hi-jinx.  Well, it was original called Neighborhood Watch, but they had to change the name of the movie because of that tragedy in Florida where a kid got killed by some dumbass on neighborhood watch.  Needless to say, this movie has zero chance of succeeding due to that tragedy.  Well, that and because it stars Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Johan Hill.  That's all I've got, it's Sunday, sue me.

"The original movie poster."

Dancing With The Stars

Why does the dance competition show Dancing With The Stars include the word "Stars" in it (and how in the hell has it run for 14 seasons)?  Seriously, whenever they announce the new competitors, I always like to look at the list just so I can laugh at the complete lack of "stars".  Let's break it down and name the biggest "star" from each season (you will notice they get worse and worse, here's a complete list):

1. Evander Holyfield - world champion boxer, most known for having his ear bitten off by Mike Tyson.
2. Tie between Drew Lachey and Jerry Rice - one is the guy who married Jessica Simpson before she got fat and the other is the greatest Wide Receiver in NFL history.
3. Tie between Emmitt Smith, Joey Lawrence, Jerry Springer, and Mario Lopez - easily the best season of "stars", one is the all-time leading rusher in the NFL, one is known for saying "Whoa", one is a sleazebag, and the last taught us every thing we needed to know growing up on Saved By The Bell.
4. Billy Ray Cyrus - yikes.
5. Tie between Wayne Newton and Mark Cuban - one is an old, orange lounge singer and the other is a super-rich NBA owner.
6. Priscella Presley - I guess being Elvis's ex-wife makes you a "star", at least she starred in the Naked Gun movies.
7. Cloris Leachman - Kim Kardashian was a part of this cast and I refuse to recognize that she is even considered famous (which was b/c of a sex tape, another reason America's priorities are way off base).
8. Denise Richards - Charlie Sheen's ex-wife and worst Bond girl ever (she played a nuclear scientist, let that sink in).
9. Kathy Ireland - the third person on this list to also be in the movie Necessary Roughness.
10. Tie between Pamela Anderson and Erin Andrews - one is known for her purposely showing her boobs and the other is known for unintentionally showing her boobs (and I guess sideline reporting).
11. David Hasselhoff - probably the only person on this list that might be considered a "star".
12. Ralph Macchio - really DWTS, this is the best you could do, when was the last time he did anything besides a cameo on Entourage?
13. Tie between David Arquette and Hope Solo - I included Hope Solo because I think she is super hot and possibly the illegitimate daughter of Han Solo.
14. Jaleel White - yup, Urkel is the best they could do.

So as you can see, there is only about one person on that whole list who you could even possibly consider to be an actual "star", which means that they should officially change the name of the show to 'Dancing With Some People You May Have Heard Of'.  When Kate Gosselin, Kendra Wilkinson, and Steve-O are considered "stars", their show should never include the word "Stars".

"A Star?  Maybe in the early 90's.  Maybe."

Random Mason Stories

Here are a couple of quick stories about my awesome nephew Mason from last Christmas (I wrote all this stuff down and am just now getting to it):

• First, we'll start with a story about what happened when my sister finally finished decorating the Christmas tree and had hung the stockings by the fireplace and all that other Christmas-y stuff was in order.  So, the same night my sister stayed up late finishing hanging up all of the ornaments on the tree (and of course she had to stay up late to finish this b/c she doesn't exactly have that sort of time as long as Mason is conscious), Mason woke up around three in the morning and wandered downstairs in his usual attempt to raid the pantry for Oreos.  Unfortunately the pantry was locked, so he did the next logical thing a three year old would do, he methodically took down every single ornament off the tree.  Every single one.  For no reason.  In fact, he even pulled over a chair just so he could reach the ornaments higher up on the tree, just to make sure he got them all down.  Needless to say, my sister was pissed when she discovered that she would have to re-hang them all.
• The next thing he did happened a couple of days later at his aunt's house (my brother-in-law's sister).  You see, their Christmas tree was decorated with a lot of candy canes.  And as soon as everyone went outside to play and the parents were busy watching the kids or talking, Mason snuck (apparently this isn't a word according to Spell-check) back into the house and took all of the candy canes off the tree and was in the process of eating them all when he was finally caught by sister.  He almost pulled it off, too bad as soon as he goes missing, everyone knows he is up to no good.

Stay tuned next week for a couple more Mason Christmas stories.

"His shirt says 'Dear Santa, Define Good'."

Jury Duty Part 2

A couple of weeks ago, I told you about my first day in jury duty.  Today, I want to tell you guys about the two trials I was selected to be on in which I helped decide the fate of some random guy.  Here we go.

The first trial is barely worth mentioning, mostly because the jury was selected at the end of the day and the judge ordered (is that the right word?) us to go home and we would reconvene in the morning.  However, when we arrived the next day, the defendant had struck a deal and the case never officially went to trial.  So, that was all that happened the first time I was selected.

The second trial got a lot more interesting,  The second time around started a lot like the first time because once again we were selected at the end of the day and went home.  However, this time the judge forgot to select a jury foreman.  So, when we showed up the next day, I just so happened to be sitting in the foreman's usual seat and the judge pointed to me and told us that I would be the foreman for the trial.  And that was when the other jurors started laughing.  I guess I just come off as funny and that is why everyone laughed, and to this day I still don't know why that happened.  Anyways, back to the trial.  It was a case where a landlord was accusing a former tenant of trashing his property when the guy moved out and wanted compensation for the damages, but the defendant (obviously) pleaded not guilty.  When the prosecutor came out with his opening statement, he made me believe this guy was guilty as hell and after hearing the prosecutor's witnesses, it further convinced me of his guilt.  However, as the case unfolded you learned that the owner of the property's son was the defendant's roommate for awhile and that everything the son said on the stand was not exactly accurate on top of the fact that he was a dumbass.  So after the closing statements, we got our instructions and went back into the juror room (I don't think that's what that's called, but whatever).  And since I was the foreman, I was supposed to lead the verdict voting process.  When everyone was seated I said, "So, I don't think I'm supposed to say this, but I'm pretty sure that dude's son had a party and wrecked the place after the defendant had moved out and tried to put the blame elsewhere" and after saying that, every single person in the room nodded and said, "my thoughts exactly".  In the end, the defendant was cleared of all charges and the kid I thought actually did the crime was nowhere to be seen during the reading of the verdict.  Justice was not served.

The only thing I was disappointed about while on jury duty was that there were no surprise witnesses and the spectators didn't gasp when the verdict was announced.  Stupid TV always lying to us.  Well, that was my full jury duty experience which wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, so remember that if you get stuck with a jury duty notice.  Oh, and definitely take a book, that shit is still boring as hell.

"Is Pauly Shore still alive?  I hope so and I hope Bio-Dome 2 is in the works."

Why Isn't This Standard - Deodorant

You use deodorant every day.  You probably have to buy it way too often.  Ever run out of it?  Ever think you should "stock up" on it because you use it all the time?  If you are a guy then the answer is "yep".
You shouldn't be buying anything in bulk - if you do then your VW beetle probably needs washing.  A stick of deodorant is usually a MAXIMUM of 4oz which fills up maybe half of the container. WHY?  It would seem the manufacturers are screwing over customers by not maximizing their containers.  They are already making full size containers - why not fill them.  Every guy would surely pay more per ounce for a larger amount of deodorant.  News to big companies - America will pay to be lazy and not have to go to the store more often.  On top of all that, the other positives are you can get some of the go-green lady-men in on it by advertising it as a more environmentally friendly option since there will be less trash.

If I were a big deodorant company (on a side note I bet their offices smell awful - you might like the smell right when you go in but for 8 hours a day for your whole life - holy shit) I would use other huge companies' market research (Dr. Pepper 10) and make a man deodorant.  If anything EVERY guy is getting this for Christmas, who doesn't think a giant deodorant stick is awesome?  You cannot feel like more of a man than getting ready to bird dog chicks by lubing up your pits with a pound of deodorant.

Sounds like a good idea if only I could come up with a name?  Man-odorant!  Pound-odorant!  Done.  You are welcome Old Spice, Degree, Right Guard, etc.

"Smell is the only deterrent to cave women"

More Unbreakable Record

Which is the more unbreakable record - Joe DiMaggio's 56-Game Hitting Streak or Cal Ripken Jr's 2,632 Consecutive Games Played Streak?  Most people would say DiMaggio's record is the more unbreakable record because no one has gotten within 10 games of breaking it and hitting a baseball is way harder than just playing in a baseball game, but I think I can state a case for Ripken's record.  First, in the past 25 years only one player has even broken 1,000 consecutive games played and that was Miguel Tejada (and he was taking performance enhancing drugs throughout).  Even then, Tejada only came within 1,500 games of the record which isn't even halfway there.  Meanwhile, 20 players have had hitting streaks of at least 30 games which is more than halfway to DiMaggio's record.  Next, the player with the current consecutive games played streak is Matt Kemp with 399 games, but he missed last night's game and the next guy with the most consecutive games played is Prince Fielder with 216 straight games and he is one extra turkey leg away from hitting the DL.  Meanwhile, two guys have had hitting streaks of at least 30 games in the past year.  And last, Ripken's record was done over a 17 year span and because of the more stringent drug testing policy, players rarely have careers that last that long.  There are only a handful of current players who have even had careers longer than 17 years (Chipper Jones, Jim Thome, Derek Jeter, and Alex Rodriguez) and most of them are either too banged up to play everyday or only play as pinch-hitters.  So, if you look at it that way, it is way harder to even get the chance to play long enough to be able to challenge Ripken's record, but if a player just has a ridiculous couple of months, you could break DiMaggio's record.  However, the real answer to this question is Cy Young's 511 Career Wins record.  There is no chance anyone will ever break that bad boy.

"She's breaking all sorts of records."

NOKW - Transformers 3

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Basic Plot:  Optimus Prime and pals are back and this time they fight Megatron (not Calvin Johnson) and Sentinel Prime who is voiced by Spock, I mean Leonard Nimoy.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that I watched this movie despite the 2nd one being so terrible.  The fact that the humans actually win a war against an alien race of nearly indestructible robots.  The fact that Optimus Prime preaches brotherhood and not killing each other, but then goes on a killing spree where he cuts down ten bad guys in five seconds, then rips out Megatron's (not Calvin Johnson) robot spine and smashes his old mentor's head in with a giant ax.  The fact that there is a scene towards the end of the movie where some of the humans parachute off of a building for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than to give Michael Bay a boner.  The fact that Shia LeBouef's character dumps Megan Fox only to get another equally hot and way richer girlfriend.

I'm Not Okay With:  In a scene towards the end of the movie, Shia LeBouef uses some sort of projectile-firing weapon against one of the bad guy robots which destroys that bad guy's eye.  When the bad guy robot figures out his eye is missing, the robot then begins to writhe around in pain.  Think about that for a minute.  A robot in pain.  WHAT?!?!  How is that even possible?  Sure, he could have some sort of program that registers pain, but when you are a nearly invincible robot, why in the hell would that robot want to write a piece of code in its software that would give it any sort of a weakness.  Did the Terminator react when it was shot a million times?  No, he said something like "I'll be back" and then kept on killing people.  So, why would a Transformer want to program itself with a program for registering pain?  It wouldn't, so why was this robot reacting like it was in pain?  I am not okay with that.

"Shia LeBouef is hitting that.  'cough' Bullshit 'cough'."

Baseballs

Did you know that every baseball that Major League Baseball uses has mud rubbed all over it?  It's true, they literally take every brand new baseball they buy and then rub a special, top-secret mud on them in order to take the "shine" off each baseball.  And when I say "top-secret", I mean no one other than the owner of the company that sells it knows exactly where this mud comes from except that its source is somewhere in New Jersey (which makes sense).  Now, you are probably asking yourself - why do they use this particular mud and not just any random mud you can find on the side of the road?  The answer is quite simple, they have used other mud and this mud has produced the best results.  The other "rubs" they have tried either damaged the baseballs or discolored them.  So in other words, if you have ever caught a foul ball or a homerun at a baseball game, you have now probably been infected by some scary STD from New Jersey due to the mud rubbed all over it.  Well, that's all I've got, it's Sunday, sue me.

"What team does she pull for?  The correct answer is - I have no idea, I never looked up."

Rooney Mara

Have any of you guys seen The Social Network?  You know, that movie about Facebook.  Do you remember the opening scene where Mark Zuckerberg is having a drink with his girlfriend, Erica Albright?  Did you know that the actress who plays his girlfriend is named Rooney Mara?  And if you don't know who Rooney Mara is, she is the same actress who played Lisbeth Salander in the recent movie, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  Yeah, that blew my mind, too.  It turns out that both movies were directed by David Fincher (who also directed Fight Club and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, two movies that couldn't be more different other than both starring Brad Pitt) and he liked her so much in The Social Network that he had here try out for the part of Lisbeth Salander.  Here is another interesting fact about Rooney Mara, one of her grandfathers used to own the Pittsburgh Steelers (Art Rooney) and the other owns the New York Giants (Wellington Mara), two teams that have a combined 11 Super Bowl trophies.  Oh, and hence the name Rooney Mara.  Well, I just thought that this was something worth sharing.  That's all.

"Only when you put the two pictures beside each other can you see the similarities."

Mason at Walmart

Seriously you guys, my nephew Mason is pretty awesome, so here is another story about said awesomeness.  But first a little background info.  My brother-in-law owns his own landscaping business in Atlanta and behind their house, they have a large shed where he keeps a lot of his landscaping supplies and equipment.  Because this shed has a bunch of seeds and whatnot, it attracts rats.  So, in order to keep the rats out, my brother-in-law got a couple of cats (one of which Mason named Mr. Fluffypants).  Well, one night the whole family decided to head to Wal-Mart (aka. the Capital of Over-stretched Sweatpants and Chain-Smoking Mothers) to get some random stuff for the cats.  As they were walking around the store, they suddenly realized that Mason had disappeared.  Shocker.  So, they decided to split up to find him.  Just as they were heading in opposite directions, Mason came walking down the aisle with a plastic bag filled with water and a goldfish.  While Mason wandering off and bringing back something strange like a goldfish is nothing new, what I wanted to know was how a 3-year old kid was able to talk a Wal-Mart employee into giving him a goldfish.  Seriously, shouldn't an employee know better than to give any toddler who comes along a goldfish without a parent present?  Then again, it was Wal-Mart, the place where dreams go to die.  Anyways, Mason not only talked the employee into giving him the fish, but he also was able to talk his parents into letting him keep it and quickly named him Fishy.  Needless to say, that goldfish didn't survive very long because the very next day, my sister found Mason riding around on his electric John Deere tractor with Fishy riding shotgun....without any water.  And that is why my sister only allows her kids to have dogs for pets.  Keep this lesson in mind when you have kids, it will help.

"Yup, that's Mason sitting in a chair on top of my sister's truck.  He got up there all by himself."

The Hunger Games

Ah, yes, we are going to discuss The Hunger Games today.  First off, I am nerd and I have read the trilogy (if you haven't, then here is a non-spoiler breakdown, the first book was great, the second was okay but it took way too long for anything to happen, and the third book had plenty of action, however, the author just did a terrible job of describing that action and then she botched the climax) and I have seen the movie.  Now, what I want to know is - am I only one who would actually watch a real Hunger Games?  Seriously, if it were only men and they were all old enough to drink (and not children), you can't tell me that you wouldn't at least be intrigued.  However, I'm sure as soon as I see a dude's skull bashed in by an ax (and the replays) I might not like it as much.  But I would still tune in to see who was winning.  Plus the gambling implications would be huge.  I don't bet on sports anymore (I was never good at picking games when money was on the line), but I'm sure all of those gambling addicts would have a field day with this thing.  Anyways, I'm just saying it would be pretty cool if the Hunger Games were real.  Too bad our government and every parent on the planet would never let it happen, so I guess I will just have to stick to watching football if I want to see dudes try to kill each other.

"These are the actors who play the three lead characters in movie and I find hilarious how the female lead towers over one of her co-stars."

Why Isn't This Standard - Gutters

Here is a new segment we are going to start where Alexatgt wonders why certain things in life don't come standard:

Frustrations are a part of our lives.  Most of these have been overcome and solved by our forefathers.  For example, nothing was getting done at night – we invented lights.  When hamburgers got our hands all messy we invented hamburger buns.  Things kept floating away – we invented gravity.

With that in mind, ponder this.  There comes a time in most people’s lives when they live in/own/maintain a home.  This experience leads inevitably to frustrations.  There are so many things that can go wrong and so many small tasks that have to constantly get done – cleaning, raking, sweeping, etc.  Among those annoying chores is, if you live near trees, cleaning gutters.  This may be the worst chore of them all.  You have to sweep the roof off which makes you feel stupid while you are doing it.  Then you have to scrape all the crap stuck to the gutters.  Next, you get to attempt to pull everything out of the gutter and throw it on the ground keeping in mind that gutters in general are about 3 or 4 inches wide so they aren’t made for human hands.  All of those things wouldn’t even be that bad if you didn’t have to try and complete them on a ridiculous incline!  Finally after all of that work, its time for a nice cold drink….. oh, wait – now there are a bunch of leaves and shit on the ground you have to sweep up.

This process has to happen at least three times a year, probably more or you will start growing stuff in your gutters or your house just looks like ass.  As mankind does, we have to come up with a solution – gutter guards.  They are simple, cheap, and easy to put in.  They let water through while keeping leaves and stuff out – problem solved.  Now the enigma – why don’t ALL houses come with gutter guards?  This stuff is not that expensive, especially considering the percentage of the cost of the home.  Hell, they are cheap even just considering home upkeep costs.  Let's break it down for you, first, here are the negatives:

• You wouldn't have the chance to see your neighbor fall off of a roof because they are way too old/out of shape to be up there in the first place and thereby compromising your potential YouTube fame.
• Less chances to pop your shirt off and impress the neighbors.
• That's it.

And now for the positives:

• You WILL sell your house quicker because of the added value.  Any man that has had to clean gutters before, even once, will put a ton of importance on not having to do it ever again.
• The home will give off a more luxurious feel.  You put in real hardwoods instead of fake, real granite instead of fake, why not add gutter guards?  That is probably one of the cheaper upgrades you can add to a home.
• Less work.  No more climbing on the roof.
• No animal problems.  Rats and squirrels love hiding and hanging out in gutters with tons of shit in them.  Then they get bored and chew stuff and get inside your house.
• No foundation issues.  Gutters are there to get water away from your foundation.  Clogged gutters don’t do their job which, in time, could compromise your foundation or cause flooding.

In summary, next time you have to clean your gutters, clean them out, then immediately go to Lowe's and get some gutter guards so that you never ever have to do it again.  After cleaning them out you will have more than enough motivation to spend the money.

THERE ARE NO GOOD GUTTER PICTURES ON THE INTERNET.  HALF NAKED GIRLS DO NOT POSE WITH GUTTERS OR GUTTER GUARDS.  THIS MAY BE A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX WE MUST FIX.  I WILL CONTACT THE PROPER AUTHORITIES.  So instead, here is a guy falling off a roof.

"WWWHHHEEEEEE!!!!!"

Darts

With whatever cable package I currently have, I get the NBC Sports Network and really late at night, they have been showing the European Darts Championship.  And I have to tell you guys, it is hilariously entertaining to watch and here is why:

• These guys are really good at darts.  They play 501 (for those who don't know, that's where you start with 501 points and have to get to 0 before the other guy, but you have to finish a game by hitting one of the double targets for a number, for example, if you have 10 points left, you have to finish by hitting double 5) and I saw a guy who could have finished a game by going T20, T20, D20 (which is tough but not as tough as) instead he went T20, D20, Double Bulls-eye.
• When they are announced to the crowd (we will get to them in a minute), they come out with two incredible hot chicks on their arms even though the player is most likely an overweight guy in his mid-40's.
• The spectators (and there is a surprisingly large amount of them) sit at these long picnic-style tables and just get bombed the whole time.  And I mean really bombed.
• The English are really good at darts.  Of the final eight players in the tournament I was watching, seven of them were from England.
• You can make a surprising amount of money from playing darts.  Last year's top earning player was Phil Taylor, who won close to one million dollars ($938,497).
• Lastly, the players drink throughout the whole thing.

"Boob-ya!"

NOKW - Iron Man 2

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Iron Man 2

Basic Plot:  Iron Man is back and this time he has a sidekick, there is a Russian bad guy, and you get to see Scarlett Johansson in tight leather.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Don Cheadle replaced Terrence Howard and nobody cared, mostly because Cheadle is the better actor anyways.  The fact that Iron Man is able to fly despite having no fuel actually propelling his suit.  Sure, you could say his mini-arc reactor provides plenty of enough energy to power the suit, but it still takes fuel to create propulsion for the suit.  The fact that Tony Stark's nemesis, Justin Hammer, is seen in a video during a Senate Hearing helping America's enemy try and develop an Iron Man suit and he is not arrested on the spot for treason.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the bad guy thought he could defeat Iron Man and his sidekick, War Machine, in a fight at the same time despite having zero experience in his own suit.  Iron Man had been using his Iron Man suit for quite some time and War Machine had at least flown around in his, but the bad guy had literally been locked up in a warehouse under constant supervision and had no time to train with his suit, and yet he still thought he stood a chance against two experienced guys?  I guess that is why he rigged his suit and all of his drones with bombs because he knew that this was a suicide mission.  But even then, he knew both of the good guys could just fly away, so why even bother with the bombs because blowing up the convention where the final fight scene took place didn't really accomplish anything.  If he had fought them at Stark Industries, that would have done some real damage, but at a weapons convention he really didn't destroy anything of real value to his enemies.  I am not okay with that.

"Sir, my eyes are up here."

Losing Streaks

Did you know that the longest all-time losing streak for each the NFL, MLB, and NBA is 26 games?  What a strange coincidence.  Now, let's look at it a little differently.  In Major League Baseball, a 26-game losing streak is about 16% of a full season, in the NBA it would be about 32% of a full season, and in the NFL it would be 1.6 seasons worth of losing.  So, if you look at it that way, losing 26 straight games in the NFL is mathematically the worst sport to have a streak that long (it would be the equivilant of a 260-game losing streak in baseball).  However, since there are only five players on the court when playing basketball, it would only take one guy getting hot in one game to end a losing streak that long.  So in my opinion, a 26-game losing streak in the NBA is much easier to break, making it worse to lose that many consecutive games in basketball than it would be in football or baseball.  Which once again proves that the NBA is stupid.  Well, that's all I've got, it's Sunday, sue me.

"J'Ville must be really bad if they got beat that badly by Davidson."

Stranger Career?

Who do you think has had a stranger acting career, Sean Connery or James Earl Jones?  Let's break down some of their biggest movie credits:

• Sean Connery - Greatest James Bond ever, The Untouchables, A Bridge Too Far, James Bond, Highlander (I had to add that one), The Hunt for Red October (only movie that he starred in that also included James Earl Jones), James Effing Bond, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and I can't stress this enough, James Bond, the most memorable spy in cinematic history.
• James Earl Jones - Voice of Darth Vader, Roots, Coming To America, Darth Effing Vader, Field of Dreams, Every Voice-over Ever (and the ones he didn't do where done by Morgan Freeman), and I can't stress this enough, Darth Vader, the most memorable villain in cinematic history.

You see, they have done some great work and are immortalized for being James Bond and the voice of Darth Vader and we will never forget them.  Now, ask today's teenager who these guys are and here is what they will answer:

• Sean Connery - "Wasn't he that old dude in The Rock?"
• James Earl Jones - "He was the voice of Mufasa, I love The Lion King!"

I feel like these two guys should be remembered from better moments in their careers other than a Michael Bay movie and a kid's flick (even if that movie was pretty good).  Seriously, Michael Bay is an idiot.

"No Simba, I am your father.....what?  You already knew that?  Oops, wrong movie."

Mason's Christmas List

As you all know by now, my nephew Mason is awesome and in all probability, an evil genius.  Well, this week I don't have a story about him, but I do have something I remember my sister telling me about.  Last Christmas, when my sister asked Mason what he wanted from Santa, do you know what his response was?  A forklift.  Yup, he wanted a forklift for Christmas.  I can only imagine what he needs a forklift for, in fact, that is exactly what I'm going to do, imagine why Mason wanted a forklift for Christmas:

• He will use it to install the fuel cells into one of his Doomsday Devices (yup, that's plural).
• It will make moving all of his stolen bank vaults easier.
• His warehouse full of nuclear weapons won't move themselves.
• In order to avoid the attention that would have come with breaking into a mechanic's shop, he can use his new forklift to lift his time machine so that he can install its Flux Capacitor.
• He recently entered into a Forklift Demolition Derby and needs the money to buy booze and probably candy.
• His four year old brain thinks chicks will dig a forklift, so he wants one to pick up girls.....literally.  (Actually, this makes a lot of sense in my brain)
• He needs to lift a crate of forks.  (Thank you, Mitch Headberg.  RIP.)

"This is probably what Mason thinks picking up girls means."

Oh Bond Who Art Thou?

Oh Bond Who Art Thou?

According to recent news reports the new Bond movie, Skyfall  - partially previewed here, is going to focus on James Bond’s feelings!?!?!?  Are they serious?  After an hour and a half of great driving, sex, and killing action (I got the order right) has anyone ever said “And how does that make you feel Mr. Bond?”  But now the director has decided we need to see behind the man.  If I wanted to do that I would go to UVA  and discuss feelings over brie and wine.  This is a quote from a reporter: “"Sam Mendes said they have gone back to the original Fleming books and looked at Bond when he was less of an international playboy and more of a, quite depressed, MI6 operative who was depressed about being a killer."  Is this a joke?  Is Julia Roberts in this movie?  Is James Bond being played by Ryan Gosling?  Is there anything possible that would be a worse idea for this movie franchise?  If this is true, there will be 6 minutes of car driving, 5 minutes of a shoot-out, 2 minutes of a hot scantily clad woman, and one clever invention that movie-goers will never get to see.  This is an injustice.  

They (the 1%, obviously) are trying to turn beautiful cinema series this into a chick flick.  Guys don’t need some inner feelings back story in their movies – a character doesn’t always have to remember anniversaries and know that flowers have actual names.  Toughen up America and let’s all go back to being satisfied by killing, stunts, sex, gadgets, and cool cars just like in 'Nam.

Several reasons to see the movie, though this picture might be better than the film.

Jury Duty

I was laying on the couch one day shortly after the college football season was over when my brother threw a piece of mail at me that no one wants to see.  Jury Duty Notice.  Yup, I had to serve Jury Duty this year and honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Sure, the waiting around for something to happen was boring as hell, but the rest of it wasn't that bad.  First off, I have to mention that when I first showed up, I sat down and starred at the floor for 30 minutes because I was bored and it was early (and I hate mornings) and when I finally looked up, I just so happened to be sitting beside a fraternity brother of mine who also happened to be a lawyer.  So, having a lawyer there to explain to me what we were going to expect for the next week helped a lot (b/c other than being arrested for scalping a football ticket during my freshman year of college, I've never been in a courtroom) and on top of that, I had someone to talk to during all that time we sat around doing nothing.  One of the things I asked him about was what kind of juror the prosecution and defense attorneys would think I am.  His response was "you make a perfect juror".  What does that mean?  Basically, he explained to me that both sides would have no objections with having me on the jury and that there is no way either attorney would "strike" me during the selection process.  And sure enough, both times my name was called during jury selection, I was picked to be a juror.  Next week, I will tell you about both the cases I served on and all the "fun" I had.

Interstellar Travel

As cool as it would be to travel to another planet outside of our solar system, I don't think it is actually possible.  Even if we did have the technology to travel multiple light years in a lifetime, there is no guarantee that you will be the same person by the time you arrive at your destination. Let's just look at some of the ridiculous problems with space travel:

• Cosmic Radiation - did you know that every time you fly on an airplane, you expose yourself to high levels of cosmic radiation?  That's because the closer you get to leaving our atmosphere, the more radiation gets through said atmosphere and bombards your body.  So, now imagine traveling the universe and instead of just our relatively small sun trying to kill you, you are exposing your body to much larger stars and their immense cosmic radiation output.
• Roving Black Holes - that's right, there are black holes out there that are not staying in one place, but moving around just waiting to eat your spaceship.
• Magnetars - this is a neutron star that likes to emit high-energy electromagnetic radiation.  This radiation can and has shut down all satellites orbiting our planet even when that magnetar was over 9,000 light years away.  Now imagine getting hit with one of these bursts of radiation while you are floating through the universe.  In other words, your ship will instantly shutdown and you will either freeze to death or run out of air because your air pump has shut off.
• Rocks - in order to get to your new destination, you will have to travel at "Ludicrous Speed".  So, what happens when you hit a random rock that is floating around the void of space?  It will probably tear right through your ship and you will somehow blow up in a Michael Bay-esque fashion (even though there is no air in space, therefore there shouldn't actually be an explosion).

There you have it, unless you can come up with a radiation-proof and rock-proof ship while avoiding the invisible death traps, the only way for us to be able to travel vast distances through space will be if we can invent one of those cool transporter things like in Star Trek.