Stupid State Laws - Ohio 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Ohio

"It is illegal to get a fish drunk."

This is a lot like last weeks law, but slightly different and slightly stupider.  I guess our first question should be - why the hell not?  What does buying a fish and being drunk have to do with each other?  I mean, I'm just going to assume that the fish was probably caught by a guy who was drunk at the time so why would buying a fish drunk be any different?  I can honestly say that the last time I went fishing I was super drunk and I'm pretty sure that the last time I bought a fish I was only kind of drunk.  That being said, in both instances, it did not inhibit my ability to do either the fishing or the buying.  And if you can't buy a fish drunk, does that mean you can buy anything else drunk either?  Did stupid Ohio leave themselves a massively drunken loophole in their legal system allowing drunks to wander around grocery stores statewide?  I like to think they did and if I ever visit that state, you can bet I will be drunk if I buy anything other than fish.

"So, you want to buy a fish....wait a minute, are you drunk?"

2013 MLB Preview

Since Alex and I are such baseball junkies, we decided we would do our own preview for the upcoming Major League Baseball season.  In other words, we are literally showing you the future!  Here are our picks:

	Sambo	Alex
AL East	Rays	Rays
AL Central	Tigers	Tigers
AL West	Angels	Angels
AL Wild Card #1	Athletics	Athletics
AL Wild Card #2	Blue Jays	Yankees
AL MVP	Mike Trout	Robinson Cano
AL Cy Young	Justin Verlander	Jared Weaver
AL ROY	Wil Myers	Dylan Bundy
NL East	Braves*	Nationals
NL Central	Reds	Cardinals
NL West	Giants	Giants
NL Wild Card #1	Nationals	Braves
NL Wild Card #2	Dodgers	Reds
NL MVP	Jason Heyward*	Ryan Braun
NL Cy Young	Clayton Kershaw	Stephen Strasburg
NL ROY	Julio Teheran*	Adam Eaton

* Homer Pick! Also, I love how baseball is the only sport where each player has their own song that plays when they come to the plate (or mound if you are closer), I thought it would be fun to list our Top 5 choices for when we came up to bat (not that that would ever happen): Sambo

1. Shoot to Thrill - AC/DC
2. Master of Puppets - Metallica
3. Thunderstruck - AC/DC
4. We Like Sportz - The Lonely Island
5. I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred

Alex

1. I Wear My Stunner Glasses at Night - Federation
2. Ghost Ride It - Mista Fabulous
3. That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
4. Feed My Frankenstien - Alice Cooper
5. I Touch Myself - Divinyls

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 2

Here comes the second edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• Who do you think pays more for clothes on a monthly basis - Superman or The Hulk?
• On Lost, the Island's protector goes from Jacob's fake mother to Jacob to Jack to Hurley.  And we know that Hurley dies (because he is there at the end), so who is protecting the Island now?
• Where does Batman park his Batmobile when out fighting crime in the city that no one will find it and either mess with it or just wait for him to return so that they can capture or fight him?
• Why do I have one eyebrow hair that grows way longer than the rest of them?
• Why is Superman depicted as really muscular in comic books and the TV cartoon series, but just a normal dude in the movies?
• Do the Oscar statues already have the winner's name engraved on the statue when they get it on stage or does it happen after they get off stage or does it ever happen at all?
• What exactly is Wolverine's mutant power - that crazy fast healing power or the retractable claws?
• Am I the only one who sees a commercial for Sysco and instantly starts singing "Thong th-thong thong thong!"?
• If Spider-Man uses his fingertips to climb up walls, then how does it work when he is wearing gloves?
• Do business and homes in a comic book universe have Property Insurance that covers for damage due to Superhero v. Supervillain battles?  If so, then how in the hell do insurance companies stay in business?

"Unless he goes back and picks that suit back up, you know his clothing bill has to add up and on a reporter's salary that has to kill his budget."

The Foreign Curse

Alternate Title: El Tri Not to Curse

I am the guy that watched the USA-Mexico soccer match on Wednesday.  Make jokes now.  The game was pretty uneventful (I already said it was a soccer game - zing!) but it did bring up something that may get you in trouble, fired from your job, or even killed.  The next day at the proverbial water cooler I discussed the match with a co-worker when our secretary walked in mortified.  It was only at that point that I realized how our conversation was sounding.  There were too many "F-ing Mexico" and "those weasly Mexicans" to count.  Not good.  You really have to be careful when talking bad about a country's team that it doesn't spill into country hate.  You never know who might be listening.

So be careful in speaking about international competitions.  Always add the sport to the country and use as many sport-specific words as possible and you should be free and clear because saying "We can't stop those Mexicans from getting on our side!" is way way worse than saying "We can't stop the Mexican soccer players from getting into our zone."

On a slightly related subject, it's really weird to get annihilated by a team for 90 minutes who are on the verge of scoring every 30 seconds.  In 97 minutes (with stoppage time) the US took ONE shot!  It is even weirder when by some combination of skill and luck and paying refs the United States TIES and everyone is super psyched.  Soccer may be the rare sport where getting a tie or barley losing is considered a win.  Any other sport that does not go over well - Kentucky barley loses to Alabama in football and 15 seconds after the game it's another loss.  No one cares how close you came, people even get made fun of for bragging about almost winning.  Man up soccer.

"Don't mess with US or we will tie your fucking faces off."

Random Movie Trivia - The Avengers

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

The Avengers

• Edward Norton was supposed to reprise his role as Bruce Banner/The Hulk but negotiations broke down and he was replaced by Mark Ruffalo.  Also considered for the role was Joaquin Phoenix.  Yikes.
• The voice for The Hulk was done by none other than the original Hulk, Lou Ferrigno.  Actually, Ferrigno did all of The Hulk's growling/roaring and Ruffalo does all of the talking.
• After Loki is brought on board the helicopter after being caught, Tony Stark can be seen wearing a 'Black Sabbath' t-shirt.  Of course, Black Sabbath is the band that performs the song 'Iron Man'.
• The original cut of the film was over 3 hours long but director Joss Whedon cut out 30 minutes.  Those deleted scenes mostly contain footage of Captain America adjusting to life in modern America and most of those scenes will be featured in the Captain America sequel, Captain America: The Winter Soldier.
• Samuel L. Jackson's Nick Fury is the only character other than Hugh Jackman's Wolverine to have appeared in five comic book movies as the same comic book superhero.  On top of that, Nick Fury was re-imagined in 2000 in the comic books and his likeness was based on Samuel L. Jackson only later to actually be played by the actor.
• The battle cry of The Avengers in the comic book is "Avengers Assemble", but it was never uttered in the movie.  However, Chris Evans (Captain America) would constantly say it off-camera and text it to fellow cast members.
• After Thor pseudo-kidnaps Loki off of the hover-jet and they land on the ledge of a mountain, two ravens fly by.  In Norse mythology, Thor and Loki's father Odin was always said to have two ravens named Huginn and Muninn.
• The reason Tony Stark mentions wanting to eat at Shawarma Palace is because after flying through one of those giant flying worms, he crash lands in front of the restaurant.
• This was Chris Evans sixth appearance in a comic book/graphic novel movie.  The others being Fantastic Four, TMNT, The Losers, Captain America, and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.

"And this was easily the best and funniest scene in the movie, maybe even in any comic book movie."

Doug Loves Movies

I may have mentioned this before, but I like me some podcasts.  They can help you get through a long day by keeping you entertained while you should be doing something else.  There are thousands of podcasts out there ranging from sports to comedy to politics, but my favorite podcast is easily Doug Loves Movies.  Basically, comedian Doug Benson has a couple of guests on the podcast (from Jon Hamm to Ken Jennings to local comedians) and they discuss movies then play fun games about movies.  It's a really funny show and the funniest part is generally the Leonard Maltin Game where Doug gives one of the guests some funny categories to choose from (like "Tom Cruise", that's movies where Tom Hanks is on a boat), then provides the year it came out and some horrible clues about the movie taken from Leonard Maltin's review of the movie, and then lets them know how many actors Leonard lists in the cast.  At this point, it gets pretty confusing but let's just say it is funny and leave it at that.  Also, before the Leonard Maltin Game, Doug's guests will go out into the audience and pick a "name tag" (which can be anything from an actually name tag to a bag of candy to a Bane mask) and the the guest who wins that episode also wins a prize bag for the name tag owner they picked (this is important later).

Well, I told you all of that because fellow Brainfart contributor Alex, my little brother, and I went to a taping of Doug Loves Movies this weekend in Atlanta and it was awesome.  We were pretty excited going in because Doug had mentioned on a previous episode that he was hoping to book some guests who were filming a movie in Atlanta at the time and the only movie we could find filming at the time was Anchorman 2.  Paul Rudd and David Koechner had done the show before and we thought they might be who Doug was referring to.  Unfortunately, they were not his guests for this episode, but he did bring in one big name.  Anyways, I wanted to give you guys the highlights:

• The guests were Graham Elwood (a good friend of Doug's and fellow stand-up), Duncan Trussell (another stand-up who has done some stuff for Comedy Central), and Colin Quinn (SNL alum and comedic actor).
• The episode was taped at The Punchline in Atlanta and it might have been the most cramped place I have ever been.  The tables and chairs were so packed in that my 6'5 legs were in a lot of pain by the end, and frankly, it was worse than being on a roller-coaster or an airplane.
• My name tag said "Sam Loves Boobies" and when they were picking name tags, Graham Elwood was looking in my direction but ended up picking the guy right behind me.
• Graham Elwood is pretty good at this, mostly because he is Doug's go-to-guy when he needs someone to be on the podcast.  Duncan Trussell was awful and Colin Quinn got the hang of it after a couple rounds (and after he realized that is wasn't a podcast of "an hour and a half of stoner jokes").
• The funniest part of the episode was during the Leonard Maltin Game when Graham Elwood was told to "name that movie" but Colin Quinn thought he knew the answer, too.  Colin asked Doug if he could guess it if Graham got it wrong and Doug said sure but he wouldn't win the point or anything, it would just be for fun.  At this point, Colin suggested they do a side-bet and both guys threw a twenty on the stage and Colin wrote his answer on one of the bills.  Doug then named a few of the actors in the cast and when he said Denis Leary (one of Colin's good friends), Colin dropped a loud f-bomb and the place went crazy and Doug won the bet.  (In case you wanted to know, the category was baseball movies and both Graham and Colin thought the answer was Angels in the Outfield but it was actually The Sandlot).
• Duncan won because he challenged Colin and Graham the two times it was his turn and they both got the answer wrong even though he was so terrible at the Leonard Maltin Game.
• Other than the cramped space I was crammed into, I thought it was a great experience and will definitely go to another taping if he comes back to Atlanta.
• Look for this episode on iTunes later this week, it is a good one.

"My brother took a picture at the show, but forgot to send it to me, so I present to you Doug Benson being Dough Benson instead."

NOKW - The Amazing Spider-Man

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Amazing Spider-Man

Basic Plot:  It's the unnecessary remake of the Spider-Man franchise that didn't do as well as the original but might have been better cast.  Seriously, you all know you would much rather punch Tobey Maguire in the face than hang out with him any day.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that I'm doing this post only because this movie came on Starz recently.  The fact that Peter Parker was seen doing Spider-Man-like things in front of numerous people and no one seems to connect the two.  The fact that the bad guy from OsCorp personally goes down to the VA Hospital to conduct human testing with their new wonder drug and doesn't just send a lackey to do it.  The fact that Flash suddenly becomes friends with Peter for no reason even after humiliating him on the basketball court.  The fact that this movie shows how Peter made the web-slingers but doesn't exactly explain how he was able to obtain the actually webbing, it's not like he is flush with cash and that stuff must have been expensive.  The fact that another British actor is playing an iconic American superhero.  The fact that when The Lizard breaks into OsCorp and is hunting Emma Stone, the movie plays some really unnecessary piano music.  The fact that they show news footage of Spider-Man crawling up a building and the reporter says 'he is badly injured, it doesn't look like he is going to make it' and yet not only does he make it, but somehow takes on The Lizard and wins.  The fact that it was so easy to follow Spider-Man with a news helicopter.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the cops send way too many officers after Spider-Man at the end of the movie instead of focusing on the giant lizard who is gassing people with a 'biological agent'.  Sure, Spider-Man way be a vigilante but at least he isn't releasing unknown chemicals into the air and oh yeah, isn't a GIANT FUCKING LIZARD!!  Hell, right before they pseudo-catch Spider-Man, Denis Leary hears over the radio that The Lizard is gassing his officers with a 'biological agent' and he still goes after Spider-Man, you know, the guy who has not actually tried to harm anyone yet.  If you were a cop and it was your job to protect the city, who would you think is more dangerous - a guy in a mask who calls himself Spider-Man and up to this point has only caught criminals and saved a bunch of people on a bridge?  Or a giant fucking lizard man who was the reason those people on the bridge where in danger in the first place and is currently trying to release an unknown substance into the air that is most likely harmful to the population and the reason you are ordering a city-wide evacuation?  You go with the giant fucking lizard man every time, but not these cops.  In fact, after an initial confrontation with The Lizard, it appears that they just leave him be.  I am not okay with that.

"Is it just me or if you shrunk this guy's head a little, he would kind of look like one of the Goombas from the god-awful Super Mario Brothers movie?"

Stupid State Laws - Ohio

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Ohio

"It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday."

It's illegal to fish for whales on Sunday....in Ohio?!?  Umm, where in the hell are there even whales in Ohio?  I know that the state borders Lake Erie, but last I checked whales don't live in fresh water.  Sure, they can swim in fresh water, but can't live there for long.  And if they can't live in fresh water for very long, then they sure as hell are not going to swim all the way to Lake Erie.  So, that brings me back to my original question - where in the hell are there even whales in Ohio to not kill on Sundays?  I'm glad that Ohio has a restriction on killing these peaceful creatures (excluding the ones with 'killer' in their name), but it's not like there are an abundance of whales for Ohioans to murder whenever they damn well please.  Ohio, you are stupid.

"Is it Sunday?  Damn right it isn't, let's kill Willy!"

MLB Hall of Fame Voting

Do you know how many players have been inducted into the MLB Hall of Fame with 100% of the voters voting them in?  The answer is easy.  It's zero.  And I find that insane.  That list of Hall of Famers includes legendary players like Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Cy Young, Cal Ripkin Jr, Hank Aaron, and even Jackie Robinson.  Those players ARE baseball and you're telling me that the Baseball Writers Association of America didn't all agree?  But why?

It's because they are all idiots....and because some dumbasses didn't vote for Babe Ruth in the first Hall of Fame class and therefore didn't get in with 100% of the votes and therefore the baseball writers think that no one deserves to be voted in with 100% if The Babe didn't.  The funny thing is that Ty Cobb was in that first Hall of Fame class along with Babe Ruth and Ty actually received more votes than The Babe and Ty Cobb was literally the most hated man in baseball.

Anyways, I still feel like that is some really stupid logic.  The Babe didn't get 100% of the votes, therefore the man who broke the color barrier and changed the game forever shouldn't either.  Then again, Jackie Robinson only got roughly 77% of the votes when he was elected into the Hall in 1962, but that was during the 60's when racism was still considered okay, so you almost have to count that as 100% due the rampant racism.

Let's put it this way, Greg Maddux will be eligible for the Hall of Fame the next time they vote.  Maddux was well liked by everyone who ever met him, he was never linked to PED's, he won 4 straight Cy Young Awards, he won at least 15 games 17 straight seasons and only had single-digit wins in his first two seasons, he won 18 Gold Gloves (most ever), was elected to 8 All-Star Games, and he was arguably the greatest pitcher in the past 50 years.  He had the most wins for a pitcher since the 60's (355, 8th all-time), he is Top 10 All-Time in Strikeouts (3,371) and wasn't even considered a strikeout pitcher, and he has two of the lowest single-season ERA's of any pitcher since before television was invented.  He even one time called a game for another struggling pitcher from the bench and that guy pitched his best game of the season.  What I'm saying is that Greg Maddux is a no-doubt, sure-fire 1st ballot Hall of Fame inductee and if even one baseball writer doesn't vote for him, then they are simply idiotic and should have their voting rights revoked.

It's that simple, you shouldn't not vote for a guy just because some slow-wit dumbass didn't vote for Babe Ruth back in the 1930's.  Hell, he probably didn't get 100% of the votes because The Babe either ate that voters lunch one day or banged his wife one night.  So Baseball Writers Association of America, stop this stupid tradition of yours and do the right thing and start giving 100% of the votes to the guys who actually deserve.  At the same time, I will commend you on keeping out the likes of Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, those guys definitely cheated and keeping them out of the Hall for a couple of years seems justified.

"Okay, not giving Ty Cobb 100% of the votes makes sense, he was a huge racist and even attacked a no-armed fan in the stands one day.  That actually happened, look it up."

Happy One Year Anniversary

A year ago, Brainfart Thoughts got its start with a post about what I thought happens when a whale dies.  Today, we have evolved into so much more.....well, not really.  We may have added some new topics and the Final Jeopardy! Archive and probably show way too many pictures of hot chicks wearing skimpy clothing but at least we still try to discuss as many stupid ideas as we can.  We will continue to pump out as many ridiculous posts as we can and hopefully you will continue to read/love them.  Speaking of hot chicks:

"You're Welcome."

Random Movie Trivia - Happy Gilmore

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Happy Gilmore

• Happy's caddie (played by Alan Covert, the guy that is in all of Adam Sandler's movies) is named Otto in the credits, but is never spoken in the movie.
• The fight between Happy and Bob Barker was the very first winner of MTV's Best Fight Award.
• Bob Barker didn't want to be in the movie until he learned that he was going to beat Adam Sandler in a fight and happily accepted the part.  Also, Bob probably would have won the fight anyways due to the fact that he studied Tang Soo Do Karate for decades with Chuck Norris and Sandler might be the most unathletic person alive.
• Before his first tournament, Happy asks Chubbs (Carl Weathers) why he didn't play a real sport "like football or somethin'".  It turns out that Carl Weathers played professional football before becoming an actor.
• The concept was based on one of Sandler's childhood friends who played hockey and occasionally would play golf with Sandler and his dad.
• Bruce Campbell auditioned for the role of Shooter McGavin.
• Christopher McDonald (Shooter McGavin) had difficulty believing that his character would be afraid to fight Happy because of his height advantage (6'3 to Sandler's 5'10).  After a discussion, he came around to the idea because Shooter would have been afraid of Happy's violent tendencies.
• In real life, Adam Sandler is terrible at hockey and golf.  Not really shocking.
• The Gold Jacket that Happy wins at the end of the movie is supposed to be modeled after the green jacket that golfers win after winning The Masters.
• During any scenes involving Richard Kiel (Jaws from the Bond flicks), he always had to be leaning on something due to head trauma that he received during a car accident that doesn't allow him to balance on his feet without aid.
• Julie Bowen plays Happy's love interest in this movie.  You may now know her as Claire Dunphy on Modern Family.

"I really hope that's not his 'O Face', too."

Little Lion Tongue

Alternate post title:  (Big) Cat Got Your Tongue?

On nature shows you always see lions and other big cats licking themselves just like normal house cats.  This can lull humans into thinking they are cute and cuddly when in reality they just want to taste your salty blood. When I see these pictures and videos I can only think of one thing - do lions bite their tongues often?  Their tongues are HUGE and with all that cat licking it has to get in the way.  Where do they keep that thing when they attack?  We have all seen the videos of lions or tigers annihilating their prey with reckless abandon.  With all that flesh flying around there is no way they don't seriously injure their tongues and that has to annoy even the most beastly of lions.  I hurt my tongue eating dead cow, I can't imagine dodging that injury if I had super huge sharp teeth and was eating a still living and thrashing young girl (that's right - I went there).

Biting your tongue hurts like a bitch, so next time you see a lion or you are mad they ate someone you know, just think of how bad their tongue hurts!

"What a cute little kitty....WHO WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!"

NOKW - Die Hard 3

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Die Hard With A Vengeance

Basic Plot:  It's the third installment of the Die Hard Franchise and of the five movies, I would easily rank it second behind the original.  This time John McClane and Samuel L. Jackson match wits with Hans Gruber's brother played by Scar from The Lion King and his German minions.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that the script for this movie was originally written to be a Lethal Weapon sequel and Samuel L. Jackson's character was supposed to a woman but that fell through and instead they made Jackson's character the Murtaugh to McClane's Riggs.  The fact that it took so long for those large black guys to notice McClane walking around with that derogatory sign around his neck.  The fact that the first few times I saw this movie, I thought when Simon was calling Zeus a 'Samaritan' he was referring to a racial slur and not actually just complimenting him.  The fact that this is the only movie in which McClane is actually within his jurisdiction.  The fact that the phone number 555-0001 was still available for Simon to use in one of his puzzles that he makes McClane and Zeus solve.  The fact that the cops weren't able to trace that same number back to Simon somehow.  The fact that none of the cops figured out that they should have left more cops at the site of a subway explosion and the world's largest gold reserve.  The fact that Zeus accompanied McClane and the rest of the police force to arrest Simon in Canada even though he is not a cop and has no real reason to be there considering he is recovering from injuries he sustained earlier.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that when McClane is blown out of that maintenance tunnel Samuel L. Jackson just so happens to be driving by and actually spots McClane flying out.  If you don't remember, McClane follows the bad guys into an aqueduct and when they find out he is there, they blow the dam and flood the tunnel with McClane still inside.  After the tunnel starts flooding, McClane finds a construction shaft to escape from and as the water pressure rises, he is blown out of the shaft and onto to the side of a road.  Meanwhile, Zeus went to Yankee Stadium for some reason and after leaving there he is randomly driving around when he happens to drive by the exact spot that McClane comes flying out of and just so happens to see his body in a large spray of water.  The odds of him driving by that exact spot are just astronomically ridiculous.  I did look it up and the tunnel that McClane was in does travel near Yankee Stadium, but that still doesn't make any sense as to how Zeus happened along the one construction shaft that McClane shot out of just as he was shooting out of it.  I am not okay with that.

"Now just imagine that being Mel Gibson and Danny Glover instead."

Stupid State Laws - North Dakota

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

North Dakota

"It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon."

I know this one is a dated law, but still it is ridiculous even for back in the day.  Sure, this law was probably passed back when cowboys and Indians were constantly getting in scuffles, but that still doesn't explain why it is only legal to shoot an Indian on horseback only when you are in a covered wagon.  What would happen if you were being attacked and you didn't bring your covered wagon that day?  Or what if you did bring your wagon, but the Indians attacked you on foot?  I guess the moral of this law is that people are really stupid especially if they are from the 1800's and from North Dakota.

"Wait a minute here.  There is a covered wagon, but none of those guys are in it and are still shooting Indians.  Arrest Them!"

A Dream or Reality?

Not too long ago, I had a very strange dream and I wanted to describe it to you guys because when I woke up, it took me several minutes to decipher if it was a dream or reality.  This is what I remember:

Adam Sandler and Kevin James have a major spat over a woman (probably a hot one neither man deserves).  In order to settle their dispute, they come up with the idea that the winner of a remote control boat race wins the girl.  The race begins and involves the two racing the boats along a series of small streams and they have to follow their boats on foot so that their remote controls do not lose range of their boats.  Suddenly, the stream turns into quickmud (it is exactly as it sounds, it is mud that is like quicksand) and both guys look like they are going to die.  Next thing they know, Adam and Kevin are lying in the fountain of the local mall gasping for air.  Before you know, both guys reconcile their dispute and realize that their friendship means more than any woman ever could and things end happy for everyone (especially for the hot chick who no longer has to go out with a weird dude or a fat guy).

Then I woke up.  And for the next five minutes I sat in bed trying to figure out if this movie was real or not because it truly does sound like the kind of piece of shit those two actors would make.  I don't know why I felt like I had to share this with you guys, but I felt like that I should post it so that in the future when a similar movie does come out you guys will know that I dreamed it first.

"This totally could be the scene where they are headed to the big race and might actually be, I still don't know."

Fun With Google

I've only got a quickie post today, but you will love it.  Follow these steps and prepare to smile:

1. Open a new window in your internet browser.
2. Go to Google.
3. Search for "do a barrel roll".
4. Smile.

Random Movie Trivia - The Big Lebowski

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

The Big Lebowski

• A lot of the clothes The Dude wears in this film are actually Jeff Bridges' own clothes including the Jellies sandals.
• The reason Steve Buscemi's character Donny is constantly told to "Shut the fuck up!" by Walter (John Goodman) is because Steve Buscemi's character in Fargo never shuts up.  Fargo was written and directed by the Coen brothers (Joel and Ethan), the same guys who wrote and directed this film.
• The word "Dude" is said 260 times and printed once.
• The word "Fuck" is used 292 times.
• And The Dude says "Man" 147 times.
• Also, The Dude drank nine White Russians over the course of the movie.
• The Dude is in every scene of the movie even the scene where the Nihilists are ordering pancakes, you can see him drive by in a van in the background.
• Before every scene, Jeff Bridges would ask the directors "Did The Dude just burn one on the way over?" and if the answer was yes, he would rub his knuckles into eyes to make them red.
• In an early draft of the script, it is revealed how The Dude receives income, he was apparently the heir to the inventor of the Rubik's Cube.  Obviously, this was later dropped from the final cut.
• In the edited cut made for TV, the line "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!" was changed to "This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!" and is deemed one of the most creative TV edits every conceived.
• Despite being on a bowling team, you never actually see The Dude bowl for his team.  Also, Donny (Steve Buscemi) bowls a strike every time except right before he is killed by the Nihilists.

"The Dude said 'Man' 1.5 times a minute in this movie.  Impressive."

Top 10 Most Awesome SNL Cast Members

Because everyone likes to read lists for some reason and because I like making lists, today we are going to compose another fun list - The Top 10 Most Awesome SNL Cast Members.  In the past I made a list of Surprising SNL Cast Members, but today we are going the opposite way.  Also, note that it doesn't say "Best" or "All-Around" Cast Members, but the Most Awesome SNL Cast Members.  So, this list will be composed by judging which SNL cast members I thought were the most awesome, it's as simple as that.  Here's a list of all SNL Cast Members in case you wanted to see if I missed anyone (which I probably did).  Let's get it on:

• 10) Norm MacDonald - his Weekend Updates were amazing, nobody could deliver a terrible joke like he could, plus his Burt Reynolds was so bad it was funny.
• 9) Dana Carvey - Garth, the Church Lady, Ross Perot, Hans, George H.W. Bush.  The guy had range and was somewhat under-appreciated in his day.
• 8) Darrell Hammond - if they needed a political impression, then Darrell was their man.  On top of that, he holds the record for most seasons on the show with 14 seasons.  Oh, and you can't forget about his Sean Connery abusing Alex Trebek on Celebrity Jeopardy.  Priceless.
• 7) Kristen Wigg - she may be the only woman on this list, but that might be because she is also the only woman who carried the show for a whole season.  Her characters could be annoying sometimes, but when she nailed one, it was great.
• 6) Adam Sandler/Andy Samberg - these two had to be included because they are basically the same guy.  They would do the occasional sketch but always seemed to play the same character, and it was their musical talent that put them over the top.  I'm still amazed at how funny both The Lunch Lady Song and Dick in a Box are to me.
• 5) John Belushi - he might have been before my day, but of the sketches I have seen in the reruns, he brought an incredible amount of energy with his characters and that has to count for something.
• 4) Eddie Murphy - he quite literally changed the way SNL was run.  Not only was he only 19 years old when he joined the cast, but he left after only a few seasons and forced Lorne Michaels to make new cast members sign 6-year deals.
• 3) Phil Hartman - like Darrell Hammond, Phil had a range of characters that cannot be matched.  His Bill Clinton impersonation alone puts him in the Top 5 of this list.
• 2) Will Farrell - he easily has had the most memorable moments of the show in the past 15 years.  Everything he did was pure gold and it was a shame he left the show to go on and have such an up-and-down movie career (I still think Anchorman was terrible and the sequel will suck, too).
• 1) Chris Farley - this is a no-brainer.  His energy was insurmountable.  No one before and no one since could ever match the pure essence of comedy this man brought SNL.  He was so awesome that he would even fall over in the street to any fan that asked him just to make them laugh.  Rest in Peace, sweet prince.

"Quite possibly the funniest SNL sketch ever."

Surprising Celebrity Ages

I think I have mentioned once that I was shocked to find out that Chuck Norris is way older than you would think.  So, I decided to do a little research and find some other surprising ages of big-name celebrities.  Let's take a look:

• William Shatner (81) - I know Captain Kirk has been around for quite some time, but 81?  I did not see that coming.
• Samuel L. Jackson (64) - I guess his role in Django Unchained actually makes a lot more sense now that I found out how old he really is.
• Chuck Norris (73) - I did a post on this one awhile back, but it still shocks me.
• Harrison Ford (70) - did you know they are talking about doing another Indiana Jones movie?  Now that you know he is 70, that really makes that role seem that much less believable.
• Paul Hogan (73) - Crocodile Dundee is 73?  When did that happen?  I remember him from my childhood as being a badass, so how old does that make the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
• James Earl Jones (82) - the voice of Darth Vader has been pulling in Social Security for far longer than I thought.
• Liam Neeson (60) - those Taken movies made him look so kickass, but knowing he is 60 kind of takes away from that role now.
• Brent Spiner (64) - you remember Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, right?  Well, he is 64 and no one but nerds could have known that.
• Brad Pitt (50) - not really that shocking, but still makes you wonder if you can bag hotties like Angelina Jolie at that age.  The answer is no.
• Jack McBrayer (39) - Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock is almost 40, I could have sworn he wasn't a day over 25.

I guess you will notice that there are no women on this list and that is probably because most actresses kind of stop getting work after a certain age and we never hear from them again.  Meanwhile, most actors seem to age better and continue to find work well after you would think they should still be driving a car.

"Now that I see a picture of him from his time as Crocodile Dundee, he really looked pretty old back then, too."

NOKW - Real Steel

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Real Steel

Basic Plot:  It's Rock'em Sock'em Robots The Movie, enough said.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that this movie wasn't half bad as long as you ignored the annoying kid.  The fact that robot boxing is so popular in this world when regular boxing hasn't been relevant in our world in decades.  The fact that Wolverine thought it would be a good idea to put his first robot in the ring versus a live bull.  The fact that you could watch Rocky and imagine Sylvester Stallone as a robot and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the two movies.  The fact that there must be thousands of fighting robots with thousands of different names and yet everyone seems to be able to name each one on sight.  The fact that a robot not built for fighting was able to last more than a minute against robots that were built specifically for fighting.  The fact that in the last fight our underdog robot is switched to mimic mode and is able to mimic Wolverine's movements without actually seeing him.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that during the big fight, they had ring card girls who were female-looking robots.  Why?  I understand that two robots are doing the fighting in the ring, but do you know who is watching the fight?  Not other robots.  So, why would you have robot ring card girls (and in case you don't know what that is, it is the chicks who walk around in bikinis holding up a card telling you what round it is before the bell rings)?  If I'm going to see a fight (which I never will), I want to see some hot chick in a skimpy outfit with daddy issues walking around the ring with a card that tells me what round it is and not a cold, metal machine that looks vaguely feminine.  I am not okay with that.

"All this movie was missing was a run on a beach followed by a highly inappropriate man hug from a black guy named Apollo."

Stupid State Laws - North Carolina

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

North Carolina

"All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart.  Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden."

Good try, North Carolina, but not good enough.  The law says couples can't have sex "in the space between the beds" but it doesn't say anything about having sex anywhere else in the room.  You could do it on either bed, you could do it on the outside of either bed, you could do it in the shower, and you could probably even do it while stretched across the two beds as long as you don't touch the floor.  You're better than this, North Carolina, way too many loopholes in your silly law.

"And you would definitely do it on that table."

Future History Class

Do you remember taking history in school?  Do you remember how much history there seemed to be even though a lot of the past was only partially recorded?  Do you also remember how boring that class was?  Well, if you thought history class sucked when you were a student, imagine how much students will have to learn a hundred years from now.

Not only will the kids of future have an additional hundred years of history to have to study, but that additional hundred years will be so meticulously documented that there will be way too much information to process that it will be impossible to make ends of anything covered in class.  Look at it this way, Beyonce lip-singed the National Anthem at the President's Inauguration last month and there were more stories written about that than there are recorded accounts of Alexander the Great's entire life.  That's right, more people had a take on an overrated* performer's flub of the National Anthem then there are recorded stories of one of the greatest conquerors in world history.  My problem with this is that 50 years from now, people will still be teaching about Alexander the Great but no one will still remember Beyonce.

So, maybe that's what it really boils down to - will kids really have that much harder of a time learning history in the future because history between now and then will be recorded better than in the past?  Or will kids have it exactly the same because if you really think about it, other than 9/11 has there really been anything worth putting in a history book since the end of the Vietnam War?  And no, the life and times of Justin Bieber will not make history books no matter how hard tween girls try.

* I consider someone to be overrated when I can't name more than 3 of their songs/movies/works of art/etc and in the case of Beyonce, I can name one.  Austin Powers in Goldmember and that doesn't even count b/c she was so terrible in it.

"We don't even know who made the Sphinx, but if it were made today, we would have a million people making fun of it on Tweeter."

Colorful Comic Book Characters

So, I'm not entirely sure what I was trying to do when I first started writing this post, but I did the research and don't want to put it to waste.  Basically, I saw a commercial for some new (presumed) crappy TV show called Arrow which is about the comic book character Green Arrow.  Then I was flipping through the channels and saw that The Green Hornet and Green Lantern were playing on some random movie channel and got to thinking that that seems like way too many comic book characters using the adjective "green".  So, I wondered how many more do the same.  After looking that up, I decided to look at some other colors and see which color happened to have the most comic book characters with that color in their name and my results are below.  You should know that I only looked at Marvel and DC Comics because this took way longer than I had expected and still got my point across.  Enjoy, I guess:

• Black (106) - Abbott, Bolt, Box, Cat, Cloak, Crow, Death, Fox, Jack, Knight, Lama, Light, Lotus, Mamba, Marvel, Panther, Raazer, Racer (x 2), Rider, Spectre, Swan, Talon, Tarantula, Tom Cassidy, Widow (x 2), -bird, -heart, -lash, -light, -out, -thorn, -wing (x 2), Ace, Adam, Alice, Annis, Assassin, Barax, Baron, Bat, Beetle, Betty, Bison, Butch, Canary, Circle, Condor, Death, Diamond, Dragon, Eagle, Flame, Flash, Hand, Hood, Jack, King, Knight, Lamp, Lightening, Mace, Magician, Manta, Mask, Mass, Master, Miguel, Mongul, Moray, Nebula, Nergal, Orchid, Patch, Pharaoh, Pirate, Plague, Rat, Rogue, Shark, Siren, Smith, Spider, Star, Thorn, Vulcan, Vulture, Wind, Witch, X, Zero, -beard, -feather, -fire, -guard, -hand, -hawk, -jack, -mask, -rock, -smith, -snake, -starr.
• Red (51) - Celestial, Ghost, Guardian, Lotus, Hulk, Nine, Raven (x 2), Ronin, She-Hulk, Shift, Skull, Sonja, Wolf, Judge, -neck, -stone, -wing, Bee, Blue Blur, Bromine, Claw, Dart, Death, Devil, Dragon, Fox, Hawk, Hood, Inferno, Khan, King, Logan, Mask, O'Riley, Panzer, Robin, Rogers, Ryan, Shift, Star, Storm, Talon, Tornando, Torpedo, Tucker, Volcano, X, -burn, -fue, -horn.
• Blue (23) - Blade, Bullet, Celestial, Diamond, Eagle, Shield, Streak, Beetle, Bolt, Bowman, Damsel Fly, Devil, Jay, Lama, Leader, Matt, Moon, Raider, Snowman, Tracer, Trinity, -beard, -jay.
• White (20) - Noise, Rabbit, Tiger, -face, -out, Cat, Dwarf, Feather, Knight, Lightening, Lotus, Magician, Martian, Queen, Rabbit, Rajah, Toshi, Willow, Wind, Witch.
• Green (13) - Goblin (x 2), Arrow, Cigarette, Fury, Guardsman, Lambkin, Lantern, Lightening, Man, Skull, Sparrow, Hornet.
• Gray (12) - Gargoyle, King, The Grey Family (Jean, Brian, Elaine, John, Nate, Sara), Face, Ghost, Lady, Man.

"The Duke Blue Devil didn't make the cut, probably b/c he flopped."

Random Movie Trivia - Die Hard

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Die Hard

• This was Alan Rickman's feature film debut.  He was 42 years old at the time and had only done some British TV up to this point.  Not a bad way to start a film career considering Hans Gruber is easily one of the greatest movie villains of all-time.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds, Richard Gere, Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Nick Nolte, and Tom Berenger all turned down the role of John McClane.  Out of all of those actors, not a one of them could have done a better job than Bruce Willis did with the character.
• Sam Neill turned down the role of Hans Gruber.
• The scene where Hans Gruber and John McClane meet up on the roof was inserted after the movie started filming because the director was impressed at how well Rickman could imitate an American accent and wrote the scene because of his talent.
• Believe it or not, this movie was based on the book 'Nothing Lasts Forever' and the movie was originally supposed to star Frank Sinatra.  But because Sinatra was 73 years old at the time, he passed on the role.
• Also, this movie was originally supposed to be the sequel to Commando, but Schwarzenegger turned down the role and it eventually was renamed Die Hard after many more re-writes.  And that is why the main character is named John instead of Joe like in the book because Arnold's character in Commando was named John Matrix.
• Director John McTiernan was forced to cut away from Alan Rickman every time he fired a gun in the movie because he had an uncontrollable problem of flinching every time a gun fired.  If you look closely during the scene where he shoots Takagi, you can see him flinch.
• The Nakatomi Building is actually the headquarters of 20th Century Fox and during filming, they charged themselves rent on the unfinished building.
• The reason the movie takes place entirely at night is because Bruce Willis was also shooting the TV show Moonlighting.  So, during the day, he would go do the filming for the TV show and would then show up at night for Die Hard.
• Only a couple of the actors playing German terrorists were actually German and at best could speak broken German.  All the actors were cast because of their size and scary-looking nature.
• Bruce Willis and Demi Moore got married during production of this movie and Little Richard presided over the ceremony.

"Yup, they wanted this guy to play John McClane.  Something tells me it would have been a completely different/terrible movie."

Movie and TV Ridiculousness

There are sometimes scenes or things that take place in a movie or TV show that just seem too damn convenient.  I'm here to point these out because that's just what I do, make fun of stuff I feel like should be made fun of.  Let's take a look at some of these way too convenient things:

• When a character knocks on someone's door, that person always seems to answer immediately no matter how large of home they live in.
• People seem to remember the little details a little too easily no matter how long ago an event happened.
• When a character walks across the street, a car always seems to pass by right after.
• The good guy is always able to follow the bad guy too easily when an elevator is involved and they always seem to figure out instantly which door the bad guy went into no matter how large the floor they followed them to is.
• The same can be said when it comes to tailing someone.  The good guy always seems to notice that they are being tailed too easily and are able to tail the bad guy unnoticed just as easily.
• Characters always seem to forget to use extremely useful technology more than once.
• Security guards always use their flashlights in a dark room and never seem to understand that turning on the lights would probably save their lives (security guards generally die quickly).
• Knocking someone unconscious seems way too easy and usually only takes one well placed hit.

Next time you are watching a movie or TV show, I guarantee one if not all of these things will happen.  It amazes me how lazy writers seem to be these days.  Then again, I write and I am lazy, so I guess that is like calling a prostitute a slut.

"Dude, the lights are already on, why do you even have the flashlight on?  Never mind, your ass is dead soon anyways."

Anastasia Date Commercial

If you are a night owl like myself, you find yourself staying up late enough to see the weird late-night commercials that are shown during Sportscenter or re-runs of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.  One of the commercials that they used to show a lot was for a website called Anastasiadate.com.  Here it is:

Yeah, how insanely hot is that chick, here she is again:

Crazy hot, right?  However, what exactly is Anastasiadate.com?  Without actually going to the site, I'm going to assume that it is either a mail order bride website or some sort of webcast sex site.  In either case, I can guarantee you with 100% certainty that that girl above has no affiliation with that website other than posing for the homepage and starring in their commercial.  Think about it, a woman that hot would NEVER need to go on a dating site in order to find love.  All she has to do is walk out of her home and any men nearby will be giving her their wallets just to be able to look at her, and she is bound to find one decent suitor out of those gawkers.  I'm just saying that I think it is ridiculous that Anastasiadate.com actually thinks that anyone could possibly believe that they could produce numerous women this incredibly gorgeous, let alone one.  If I had to guess, you are much more likely to find a thing that looks like this on that website:

"It looks like she actually drew in a unibrow.  Why?"

NOKW - The Book of Eli

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Book of Eli

Basic Plot:  I'm not entirely sure, I think Denzel Washington is just randomly wandering around a dystopian future for some reason until he gets in a fight with Gary Oldman, that's all I can remember other than the ending.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that there should be absolutely no gasoline left at this point in that future timeline and in fact, all gas should have run out shortly after whatever caused everything to go to shit.  The fact that they make you believe that Denzel's character is blind because you finally see his eyes at the end, but I call bullshit because he was able to walk vast distances and even fought a whole gang single-handed.  The fact that I only half-watched this movie because it was so dumb, so we are just going to skip to the next part.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Denzel's character memorized the entire Bible.  No. Effing. Way.  Have you ever read the Bible?  I have.  Not only is it super long but it is full of pointless information that no person in their right mind should ever need to remember.  There are literally a hundred pages of genealogy and entire books of pointless psalms and proverbs and they are trying to tell me that he not only remembers every word of the important stuff but can also recite every direct descendant of Noah?  No. Effing. Way.  First off, there is no such thing as 'photographic memory' meaning that there is absolutely no way he would be able to memorize the entire Bible, let alone one entire book of the Bible.  I want you to try and memorize this entire paragraph.  How long did that take?  I would say about an hour if anyone actually bothered (which I doubt anyone did).  Now, do that 100,000 times over and at the same time, remember all of it at once.  No. Effing. Way.  And let's not forget that it is in Braille which makes it that much tougher for someone to recall because almost everyone in the world is either an auditory or visual learner.  How are you supposed to visualize something like Braille?  It's just a bunch of raised bumps on a page, that isn't something you can just recall off the top of your head.  Sure, he could have read it aloud to himself, but come on, that is still almost 1,300 pages to memorize.  I am not okay with that.

"Reading the Bible is one thing, but memorizing it just absurd."

Stupid State Laws - New York 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

New York

"It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun."

Interesting.  However, I feel like they should probably specify which kind of 'ball' the law applies to.  For example, someone throwing a ping pong ball at someone's head won't do anything but harmlessly bounce of that person's noggin and would actually be considered 'fun'.  However, if someone were to throw a bowling ball at someone's head for fun, then that would definitely be considered psychopathic.  And for that matter, why is this even a law to begin with?  I can only assume the parents of the neighborhood nerd decided to talk to their local lawmaker after their nerdy kid was getting picked on by some bullies who threw 'balls' (hehe) at the kid's head and claimed they only did it for 'fun'.  If that is the case, then they should have told their kid to grow some balls instead of getting a law passed.

"I don't care if you said you were just having fun, you are under arrest, punk."

Best Customer Service Ever

Sometime last weekend, my iPod's on/off button stopped working.  Considering that that button is quite possibly the most important button on the iPod, this was a disaster.  Then again, there are only three buttons on my iPod and the on/off switch is the only that truly does anything.  Anyways, the button is broken and once the screen goes to sleep mode, I can no longer make my iPod work and have to figure out how to get it fixed.  And considering I am kind of a podcast junkie, losing my iPod is kind of sucks balls.  Here comes the good news, my iPod was still under warranty.  The bad news was that I couldn't find the receipt to prove that it was still under warranty.  My first guess as to how to go about getting it fixed was to go up to Target and hope they will just switch it out and magically not ask me for the receipt (I forgot to mention, I paid in cash, so they couldn't look up purchase by checking my credit card).  They of course tell me that they can't do anything about it because it is past their 45-day store warranty period and I should just contact Apple directly.  Crap, I just knew this was going to be a pain in the ass.

I couldn't have been more wrong.  I finally get around to calling Apple Support on Tuesday and all they ask for is the iPod's serial number which I happen to have.  The representative magically knows that my iPod is still under warranty and that I can go up to any local UPS Store and send in the faulty iPod for free by giving them a Repair ID Number which he provides me.  I don't send in the iPod until Wednesday morning because I didn't know UPS Store's close at 6pm.  I get an email notice that UPS shipped out my old iPod on Thursday and it will arrive at Apple by next week or something.  On Friday, my new iPod is waiting for me on the front porch when I wake up.  Four Days.  That's all it took.  I had a five minute phone conversation with Apple Support and I had a functioning iPod in FOUR days!  That is unheard of.  When was the last time you were able to get something fixed that easily through a company's customer service department?  Never.  I'm pretty sure that Apple sent me the new iPod before the old one even left the UPS Store and when this whole thing started, I half expected the new one to be sent out a week after the old one arrived at the least.  All I'm really trying to say is that I am shocked at how awesomely helpful and convenient Apple Customer Service was.  Because most people only write about how shitty.customer service generally is, I decided to turn the tables and compliment it instead.  Congratulations Apple Customer Service, you truly impressed me.  Too bad I will never buy one of your stupid computers though.

"Close enough to what I was talking about."