Rory Winning Nike's Money Lottery

Rory McIlroy is a 23 year old Irish dude who is about to sign the biggest contract in sports.  Rory plays golf, and he is good at it.  Very good.  Last year he worked his way up to number one in the World Golf Rankings and led Europe's comeback in the Ryder Cup.  Apparently Nike thinks he is "the-most-marketable-athlete-in-the-world" good.  They are reportedly going to offer him $250 million over 10 years. That's more than the mighty Albert Pujols just signed in baseball.  Take a second to let that sink in.  This would be the third richest contract in the world next to A-Rod and....A-Rod (nice to be him).  A-Rod's current world's richest contract is 10 years for $275 million - not much more than McIlroy.  There is one small detail though - Rory's contract is to wear clothes and not for actually playing his sport.  He made 8 million last year in prize money!  That would be like paying baseball players to wear Nike jerseys and shoes and use a Nike bat and THEN they would get their salary. If Rory stays as good as he was last year and he gets more endorsements he could easily earn $40 million a year.

My question is - is it worth it for Nike?  If they are using money freed up by dropping Lance Armstrong and that's fine, but is Rory as popular as Lance?  Or Tiger? Or Phil Michelson? Or several other golfers?  Right now Rory is the man, he has been great this past year but it was only one year.  He has won two majors but I think the public and the media is looking way to hard for a "next" Tiger to dominate golf.  Good for Rory for capitalizing on that but he is 23 years old.  Is Nike really that convinced that he is going to be good for 10 years?  There have been over 70 golfers who have won two majors - it isn't as special as you would think.

The other issue is how likable he is.  Even if he is good for 10 years, is he going to be marketable and likable for 10 years?  We gave Tiger a pass because he was so good, and probably some because he is a huge minority in golf, but that guy was as boring as they come.  Up until his scandal, did anything interesting ever happen with him outside of being crazy good at golf?  That worked for him but I don't know how a boring European kid is going to sell stuff, especially in the US.  You may be thinking "Maybe Nike is just trying to expand its market into Europe and that's why they are giving Rory all that cash".  During his prime, Tiger was the most recognizable athlete in the world and I'm pretty sure if Tiger couldn't sell Nike gear in Europe, then Rory isn't going to boost those sales very much.

Golf is an old fart sport because of the time and money you need to get into it.  Even in the economic hey-day, that was the case.  That being the case I find it hard to believe that a 23 year old shaggy haired dude is going to make me buy Nike anything.  I assume Nike spent several million in research trying to prove me wrong but maybe they should have just asked a few people instead, because I don't know that many people who actually root for him.

"Plus he just looks like the kind of a guy you would want to punch in the face if you ever met him."

Sexy Halloween Costume?

Every kid and alcoholic adult's favorite holiday is tomorrow.  Halloween!  Well, I would say that kids might actually like Christmas better, but that's not the point.  With the best day of the year to dress up like an idiot being tomorrow, I wouldn't to show you guys a costume I stumbled upon this week:

That is the "Sexy Strait Jacket" costume for women (or effeminate men).  As you can see, it has some sexy boots and a short skirt that slutty chicks love wearing to Halloween parties.  However, despite being sexy, it also looks like the most dangerous costume imaginable.  For one, whomever is wearing it has their arms restrained behind their back and one wrong step in those high-heeled boots and the person wearing this thing has no way of bracing themselves from a fall most likely resulting in a lot of head injuries.  And considering that the person wearing this thing will in all likelihood be intoxicated, they will be stumbling around a lot.  But that doesn't even take into account the most dangerous thing about this costume - it is literally a free invitation to any rapist looking for his next drunk victim.  Seriously, how is a woman supposed to defend herself when they are not only tipsy but have their arms tied behind their backs?  They can't.  How this thing got past the drawing room floor is beyond me unless of course, the guy who designed it is a sicko and knew exactly what he was doing.  Well, Happy Halloween everybody!

NOKW - Lord of the Rings 3

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Basic Plot:  It is the last movie in the great The Lord of the Rings series.  This time our good guy friends (spoiler) destroy the ring and save the world.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Frodo goes through Shelob's cave (that's the giant spider's name for any non-nerds) and is attacked by said giant spider halfway through the third movie when it actually happens at the end of the second book.  The fact that Denethor, the Steward of Gondor, is not disposed of earlier after he clearly is shown to be incompetent at his job of protecting Minas Tirith.  The fact that Eowyn is able to disguise herself as a dude for as long as she does when she determines that she wants to fight in the Battle of Minas Tirith.  The fact that Frodo, Samwise, and Gollum are able to just walk away from the middle of a battle without being hassled by the bad guys after being set free by Faramir.  The fact that Legolas is able to kill a massive elephant with only a couple of arrows.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Aragorn totally misuses the ghost army he recruits to help him defend Minas Tirith.  Did you see what happened when he unleashed those ghosts on the orc army?  The battle was over in a couple of minutes because the ghost army whipped the bad guys's asses in the snap of a finger.  And what does Aragorn do when the battle is over?  He releases the ghost army of their curse and allows them to move on to the other side knowing perfectly well that the war is not over.  Do you know what would have come in handy when Aragorn rolls up on the gates of Mordor and is surrounded by an even bigger army of orcs?  A fucking ghost army.  Sure, Frodo just so happened to accidentally destroy the Ring at the exact moment Aragorn is about to get stepped on by a troll, but it never would have come to that had he kept that ghost army for a couple more days and wiped out the orcs once and for all.  I am not okay with that.

"Come on Aragorn, you could have used those guys to wipe out every orc in Mordor, but let them off the hook way too early.  I thought kings were supposed to be smart."

Stupid State Laws - Indiana 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Indiana

"Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans."

Yeah, you read that correct, mustache rides are most likely illegal in the state of Indiana.  And what does the term "habitually" really mean?  Does it mean that the guy is a ladies' man?  Or does it mean that the guy just likes to go around and kiss random women?  Either way, how do the authorities even determine if the offender is a "habitual" kisser of other humans?  And for that matter, I love that the law is not gender-specific.  A dude with a mustache cannot "habitually" kiss women nor men.  Way to go Indiana, you invented a law that is so frivolous that I was forced to mock it.

"If I had to bet, I would wager that Burt Reynolds is a wanted man in Indiana."

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 8

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears (-7.5)

Sunday 1:00

-Chicago is on fire and the Panthers are a dumpster fire.  The Panthers have the weapons to try and get a run game going but the Bears have better weapons to stop it.  I feel like Vegas is trying to get me to bet the Bears which I normally don't like but I am following the other sheep on this one.

Washington Redskins (+4.5) at Pittsburgh Steelers

Sunday 1:00

-The Steelers have flown under the radar with how very average they have been this year.  They killed the Jets, got killed by the Broncos, and have gone 2-2 in one score games against the Raiders, The Bengals, The Titans, and The Eagles.  Not exactly murderer's row.  I am still a little in denial about RG3, but it is too hard not to recognize that he is able to keep the Skins in any game, especially against a mediocre team.

New York Giants (-2.5) at Dallas Cowboys

Sunday 4:30

-As long as nothing crazy happens and this game is close, I will take Eli in the clutch over Romo every day.  Against Dallas, the Giants are 9-5-1 against the spread and 4-2 at Dallas.

Last Week's Results: 3-1-0
Season Results: 14-15-1

Daisy

I just finished reading the new Ken Follett book, Winter of the World (it's the second book of a trilogy that I highly suggest reading, the first book is Fall of Giants) and one of the main characters is named Daisy.  After seeing this name, I wrote the following random email to fellow Brainfart contributor Alex:

"....After seeing her name, I thought to myself - that is such a great name for a girl...or is it?  Either it is a great name for a baby girl b/c it just seems sweet and makes you smile when you hear it (I told you this was coming out of nowhere) or it is a great name for a baby girl who will one day grow up and be destined to be a stripper.  So, which do you think it is?  Sweet or Stripper?  I'm actually torn over this name for some reason."

I know, this is really really random, but I am truly confused over this name and after Alex didn't respond to my email after a couple of days, I called and asked him again.  His response was "I started to write you back a couple of times, but I don't know the answer either, maybe we should write a post about it and see what our awesome readers think".  So, that's what we are doing.

While you are trying to decide for yourself, we did a little research to see how many famous Daisy's there are out there and thought that by weighing them against each other, it might help us figure out our problem.  Let's take a look:

Good Daisy's

• Princess Daisy - you could almost put her in the Bad Daisy's because of all the times that Mario had to save her ass from Bowser, but in the end, she is still good.
• Daisy Fuentes - remember her, she used to be on MTV all the time in the 90's and was pretty hot.
• Daisy Duck - another fictional Daisy and because she was able to put up with Donald Duck's crazy ass, we will give her good status.
• Daisies (the flower) - a beautiful simple flower that is a mainstay in Americana.

Bad Daisy's

• Driving Ms. Daisy - that racist lady from the movie, racist = bad.
• Daisy Dukes - I put her as a bad Daisy for a couple of reasons.  First, she helped run an illegal moonshine business.  And second, she was played by Jessica Simpson who turned out to be such a disappointment in the hotness department.
• Daisy May Moses - that cranky, crazy Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies, while she was likable, she was still a bitter old lady.
• Daisy BB Guns - this one is for the older folks.  Back in the day, my dad used to have BB gun wars where kids ran around and shot other kids.  No helmets.  No goggles.  Just horrible scars and lost eyes.

And after that, nothing has been solved.  Damn it, this name has really got me stumped and I can't figure out which way to go.  I keep wanting to say that it is a great name for a girl, but then I hear a voice in the back of my mind say "And now to the stage, please welcome Daisy!".

"Yeah, she used to be hot and dumb, now she is dumb."

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 9

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on BCS Standings
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

Cincinnati Bearcats @ #16 Louisville Cardinals (-3.5)

Friday 8:00
ESPN

#2 Florida Gators (-6.5) v. #10 Georgia Bulldogs

Jacksonville, Florida
3:30
CBS

#14 Texas Tech Red Raiders @ #3 Kansas State Wildcats (-7)

3:30
FOX

Ohio State Buckeyes (Pick) @ Penn State Nittany Lions

5:30
ESPN

#5 Notre Dame Fighting Irish @ #8 Oklahoma Sooners (-10)

8:00
ABC

#11 Mississippi State Bulldogs (+24.5) @ #1 Alabama Crimson Tide

8:30
ESPN

-If you haven't noticed, there has been a growing trend in college football for the past couple of seasons where teams wear a different style of uniform compared to their traditional game day unis.  And of course, Oregon is to blame for this trend considering they haven't worn the same combination of jersey/pants/helmets since 2006.  Since then, every team but a few have worn some sort of radical looking uniform compared to what they usually wear and I have a question about this trend - does it hurt a team's performance to wear a different uniform every once and awhile?  Think about it, if your team is used to seeing one of two possible color combinations, can they get confused when they see something they are not used to on the field?  The immediate answer is no because Oregon wears something different every week and they are blowing people out.  But what about a team that might wear an alternate jersey once a year?  Oddly enough, I'm pretty sure the answer is still no but it has nothing to do with the different looking uniform a team is used to seeing.  Instead, I have seen that when a team wears something unique, it tends to incite extra adrenaline into the players and they ramp up their game for some reason.  However, you would think it would do the exact opposite because they would be doing something that isn't in their routine and most athletes are all about their routine and any variation in that routine usually leads to bad play, but for some reason it doesn't.

-So, Clemson is ranked 13th in both the Coaches and the Harris Polls (which constitutes 2/3rds of the BCS Formula) and South Carolina is ranked three spots (16th) behind Clemson in both polls.  However, South Carolina is ranked FIVE spots ahead of Clemson in the BCS Standings.  That makes no sense.....until you look at the Computer Rankings which seem to hate the ACC and that is not only killing Clemson's BCS ranking but also Florida State's ranking.  If you are those two schools, you are probably hating the ACC right now because they are killing your chances at playing for anything meaningful (well, not this season but maybe next year).  And if you are the ACC, you have to be stoked that the BCS is going away in two years and those standings won't exist and your crappy conference can't kill your best teams' chances of playing for the National Championship anymore and therefore they won't be looking to go elsewhere.  But in any case, I still find it ridiculous that South Carolina is five spots ahead of Clemson in the BCS Standings when Clemson is three spots ahead of the Gaycocks in the two polls that matter.  An eight spot swing seems ridiculous based off of only 1/3rd of the BCS's formula.

-I had another good week and finished 5-2, so look forward to another winning week.  Better yet, look forward to an undefeated week or your money back.

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend Said:

(Seriously, if you don't know why this is funny then you need to stop playing outside all the time and watch this video right this second.  Do It!!!)

Last Week's Results: 5-2
Season Results: 27-23

Movie Alien Attacks

What is the number one rule when it comes to war?  The guys with the better weapons and technology win.  Why do you think that when the US invaded Iraq we routed them in a couple of weeks with very few casualties?  It's because America's war machine was vastly better than the other guy's.  So, why is it that when the technologically superior aliens attack Earth in a movie the Earth is somehow able to win?  There is no way that humans should stand a chance against a species that was able to travel light-years across the universe in order to wipe out our puny butts.  And yet, Hollywood always comes up with some sort of stupid reason that the aliens lose.  Just look at these movies and the illogical Achilles Heel that they give their aliens:

• War of the Worlds - The Common Cold.  This one kind of makes sense except that we know the aleins have been to Earth before and they probably would have come across the common cold and figured out a way to protect themselves from it by the time they attack.
• Mars Attacks! - Crappy Music.  Okay, this one was a comedy and gets a pass.
• Killer Klowns from Outer Space - A Police Badge.  Remember this movie?  It was so bad, it was awesome.  Oh, and the humans win when one of them pokes the head clown's nose with the sharp point of his police badge and explodes somehow.  Ridiculous.
• Cowboys & Aliens - Incompetence.  I've covered this one before.
• Battle: Los Angeles - Terrible Security.  If you didn't see this movie, I don't blame you, it was terrible.  But the humans win because they were able to sneak up on the aliens' main spaceship and blow it up and the aliens took to long to respond because no one bothered to have a couple of guys keeping a lookout.
• The Faculty - Homemade Drugs.  I don't know, I saw this a long time ago and I think the humans won because the druggie character of the group used his drugs on the aliens which killed them.
• Signs - Water.  This weakness was beyond stupid.  I'm fairly sure that all lifeforms in the universe need water to live and somehow M. Night Shamalamadingdong thinks it would be his aliens' biggest weakness.  So dumb.
• Independence Day - A Computer Virus (and Randy Quaid).  In all honesty, this one isn't even worth going into, but a computer virus?  Really?!?  It takes quite a bit of time to write the code for a virus for Earth's computers, but the guy from Jurassic Park was able to make one for alien software in a couple of hours.  Bullshit.

As you can see, only one of those alien weaknesses could even be considered legitimate and even that one could have been avoided with a simple surgical mask.  Come on, Hollywood, I know you love to make movies where the underdog wins, but Earth isn't even an underdog when it goes up against aliens, they are more like under-ants just waiting to get stepped on.

"I always laugh when I see one of these little guy's heads explode."

Hollywood

Alright, this is going to sound really random and maybe somewhat racist, but bear with me.  When you think of your stereotypical Hollywood producer or studio head, what do you picture?  If you are normal, you probably said someone like Steven Spielberg or an old dude whose name ends with a "-stein" or something else that sounds very Jewish.  What I'm trying to say is that Hollywood is pretty much run by old Jewish guys, not that there is anything wrong with that.  Now, when you think of a hot new Hollywood star, what comes to mind?  Is that person generally blond-haired and blue-eyed?  Yes?  Okay, now that we have that established, just think about it.  I'll wait until you connect the dots.  Have you figured out where I'm going with this yet?  Maybe?  So, does anyone else find it as strange as I do that Hollywood decision-makers (old Jewish guys) are employing a large crop of blond-haired, blue-eyed movie stars?  I know they have to do it because that seems to be what the moviegoers want to see, but it still seems really weird to me.  I assume I don't have to spell it out for you, but just think about what exactly it was that Hitler was trying to accomplish and you will know what I'm talking about.  That (brainfart) thought hit me the other day and I had to see if anyone else thought that was as strange as I do.

"However, can you blame them, Ryan Gosling is so dreamy."

NOKW - Raiders of the Lost Ark

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Raiders of the Lost Ark

Basic Plot:  The first movie in the Indiana Jones franchise, in this one, Indy fights Nazis and is (obviously) looking for the Lost Ark.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that this is the only movie in the franchise that doesn't include the words "Indiana Jones" in the title.  The fact that an ancient civilization would set up such an elaborate set of booby traps just to guard such a small statue.  The fact that Indiana Jones has never been fired from his teaching job considering he is never there.  The fact that despite only being a professor, Indy somehow avoids numerous attempts on his life throughout the movie.  The fact that Indy was the only white non-Nazi guy in that archaeological dig and was able to walk around without being noticed.  The fact that Indy somehow survives a really long trip on a submerged submarine without any food or water, oh and he was just holding onto the tower of that submerged submarine, as in underwater.  The fact that the Nazis originally wanted to open the Ark of the Covenant in Berlin in front of Hitler, which would have ended the reign of the most evil man in history (until Voldemort showed up) but decided to test it on a small deserted island first.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that not once is Short Round mentioned.  But Brainfart, this is the first movie in the Indiana Jones franchise and Short Round was in the second movie, why should he be mentioned?  That's easy, naive reader.  Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was the second movie in the franchise, but it was technically a prequel.  Yup, the events in Temple of Doom where chronologically before Raiders of the Lost Ark and therefore, Short Round should still be around, but we never hear his name mentioned even once.  Now, I know it's not fair to bring this up considering Raiders was made first and Short Round's character wasn't created until after the movie was made, but that doesn't excuse Spielberg from at least mentioning him in the third movie, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  I am not okay with that.

"If I had to guess, Indy probably just stuck him in a sweatshop somewhere and forgot all about him."

Stupid State Laws - Indiana

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Indiana

"A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor."

Holy crap, what?!?  First off, I looked up what a Class B Misdemeanor is and basically it is a Class A Misdemeanor, but the fine and jail time is not as bad.  With that out of the way, WHAT?!?  How rampant of a bird/rabbit dyeing epidemic was going on in Indiana that they had to make people face a fine and jail time over it?  Do people in Indiana love them some Easter so much that they started dyeing every helpless bunny in the state and the government was forced to do something about it?  More important, why in the hell would someone even want to dye a bird or a rabbit?  How is there any sort of gain from doing such a heinous act?  So confusing.  So funny.

"Oh.  My.  God.  What have you done?  This is beyond horrible and I am going to make a law to stop such an act!  What?  Well yes, they do look cute.  But that's not the point, you are going to jail, kid."

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 7

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Arizona Cardinals at Minnesota Vikings (-6.5)

Sunday 1:00

- Even though the Vikings got Griffined last week I still think they are a good team and their defense can dominate lesser teams.  Arizona has a terrible terrible offense on all fronts.  With Kolb out I think the Vikings have at least 5 sacks and don't allow any one player to get 75 yards.

Baltimore Ravens (+7) at Houston Texans

Sunday 1:00

- I don't think the Ravens took as much of a hit as everyone thinks when they lost Ray Lewis and DB Ladarius Webb.  Normally I would be distraught over losing a Ladarius but he is not their best corner back and even though Lewis is a great leader, his age has made him an average player.  Houston doesn't have the weapons to capitalize as much as they need to and may win but it will be close.  Baltimore has an offense that is not easily kept quiet.

Dallas Cowboys (-2.5) at Carolina Panthers

Sunday 1:00

- The Cowboys are regrouping off of a bye week and if they can get rid of some stupid mistakes they should be able to handle the Panthers.  Carolina has not been good this year against decent defenses so Dallas should be able to contain Cam and not company (see what I did there).

New Orleans Saints (-2) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sunday 1:00

- This seems like a trap but I'm walking right in anyways.  Is Brees dead?  Are the Saints scared of the pirate ship in the endzone?  Last time I checked the Saints, although playing bad this year, I would consider them better than the Bucs.  What's that you say - the Saints are an incredible passing offense?  Oh, good - because Tampa's number one corner back is out because he can't take his eyes off of shiny things.

Last Week's Results: 0-4-0 (ouch)
Season Results: 11-14-1

The Londons

First off, I'm going to assume that you have seen Dazed and Confused.  And since you have, then you can picture the actor who played the character "Pink" Floyd.  You know, the kid who was one of the main characters and the guy who played the quarterback who refused to sign that form his coaches wanted that said he wouldn't drink or use drugs during summer break.  Yeah, that character.  Well, that actor's name is Jason London.  He's also the same actor who played Rick Rambis in the highly underrated movie Out Cold otherwise known as the movie that also starred Zach Galifianakis before anyone knew who he was.  And Jason London iss also the same guy who played TS Quint in one of Kevin Smith's early movies, Mallrats.  Oh wait, that actually wasn't Jason London.  But Brainfart, that guy sure as hell looked and acted just like him, you're telling me that that wasn't the same guy?  That I am, buddy.  It turns out that that actor was not Jason London, but in fact it is his twin brother, Jeremy London.  I found this out the other day and it blew my mind that the actor from Dazed and Confused was not the same guy from Mallrats.  But when I learned that the two guys were twins, I couldn't believe I didn't know that and thought you guys should be informed, just in case this trivia question every comes up.  Knowledge is Power.

"Here is Zach Galifianakis in Out Cold which was made in 2001.  Why did it take so long for people to figure out how awesome he really was?"

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 8

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on BCS Standings
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

#3 Oregon Ducks (-8.5) @ Arizona State Sun Devils

Thursday 9:00
ESPN

#6 LSU Tigers @ #18 Texas A&M Aggies (+3.5)

12:00
ESPN

Virginia Tech Hokies @ #19 Clemson Tigers (-8.5)

12:00
ABC or ESPN2

#7 South Carolina Gamecocks @ #2 Florida Gators (-3)

3:30
CBS

#17 Texas Tech Red Raiders (-2) @ #23 TCU Horned Frogs

3:30
ABC or ESPN2

#4 Kansas State Wildcats @ #13 West Virginia Mountaineers (-2.5)

7:00
FOX

#14 Florida State Seminoles @ Miami Hurricanes (+20.5)

8:00
ABC

-Is it just me or does everyone else feel like Green Bay Packers linebacker Clay Matthews is not the best spokesman a marketing department could choose to put in their advertisements?  I'm sure you have seen his commercials lately, one of his Zaxby's ads literally comes on every commercial break during any random football game and there is just something about that guy that scares me and doesn't exactly inspire me to buy the product he is promoting.  The good news for Zaxby's is that their food is so good that Jerry Sandusky could be their spokesman and I would still go there and buy their Wings and Things.  But seriously, I think someone should tell the ad wizards that Clay Matthews should not have been on their list of athletes to put in their commercials.  Personally, I would rather see Peyton Manning over Clay any day even if that would mean that either Peyton or the Queen of Commercials would then be in every single commercial on the planet.

-After two weeks of ESPN putting on solid match-ups in their primetime line-up, they regressed this week and decided to put on a couple of clunkers.  Sure, having the best team in country playing in primetime is a good choice, but when the team they are playing has not beaten a ranked team in a couple years, that is a waste of TV time.  On top of that, ESPN actually had the balls to put a Duke game on in primetime.  Duke!  Just look at ESPN's crappy line-up and you can't tell me that FOX and ABC aren't going to crush them in the ratings with their match-ups this week:

Alabama @ Tennessee 7:00 ESPN
Middle Tennessee State @ Mississippi State 7:00 ESPN2
North Carolina @ Duke 7:00 ESPNU

-Lastly, I finished an even 3-3 last week and that was only because La Tech scored a garbage touchdown to cover against Texas A&M......I mean, of course they scored that touchdown, why else would I have picked them to cover.  As for this week, I picked seven games instead of the usual six because for once, there are actually seven worthy games being played.  As always, I will probably go 7-0 or your money back.

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend Said:

(If you are wondering when that was, the last TD given up by Notre Dame until this past weekend's game was on September 8th against Purdue.  There was also a sign that said "SEC, This Is What A Library Looks Like" that I thought was really funny.)

Last Week's Results: 3-3
Season Results: 22-21

Chipper Jones' Career in Dollars

Chipper Jones retiring gives us at Brainfart Thoughts a chance to look back at one of the most important parts of his career - how much money he made.  Everyone wants to know how much you get for dipping and banging Hooter's waitresses for 19 years.  Given the amount of cash the top players are getting for contracts, it isn't as much as you think.

According to my limited lazy internet research, Chipper earned about $168.5 million over the course of his career.  The first 5 years I assumed he was under a rookie contract at $500,000 a year then he had a deal for 3 years for $12.33 million per followed by a 6 year deal at $15 million per and ending with a 3 year deal for $14 million a year.  Although that is a lot for the working man, it isn't great for a guy who has lived up to the hype year in and year out since he got drafted with the first overall pick.  Chipper has the most career RBI's for a third baseman.  He is also behind only Eddie Murray on the all-time switch hitters career RBI list.  He is considered one of the game's best all-around hitters, and one of the best switch hitters in the history of the game.  He is the only switch hitter in Major League Baseball history to have a .300+ career batting average (.303 at the end of the this season) and 400 or more home runs (468 in his career).  With stats like those, plus being loyal to one team his whole career, he should be in the upper stratosphere for career earnings.  Well, technically he is 6th on the all-time career earnings list as of right now, but in 10 years he might not even crack the elite group.

He also got a $400,000 signing bonus when he was drafted.  That is totally insane.  To compare that to today's signing bonuses, Bryce Harper got $6.25 million just to sign his contract.  Harper also makes $9.9 million over his first 5 years.  This year the LOWEST signing bonus in the first round for anyone was $1.2 million so Chipper was already way behind.

This year around 33 offensive players got paid near or above Chipper Jones in the last year of his big contract - keep in mind he never signed a crappy I-can't-play-anymore-but-I'm-too-stubborn-to-retire contract.  Included on that list is Michael Young, Jason Bay, Torii Hunter, Vernon Wells, and his infield mate Dan Uggla.  That's right, Dan Uggla, who hit .220 this season, made only $850,000 less than Jones.

For some more context there are CURRENTLY 7 players with current contracts that will earn more than Chipper made throughout his career (A-Rod, Pujols, Prince, Votto, Jeter, Teixeira, and Maeur).  All of those contracts are for 10 years which is over half Chipper's entire career.  A-Rod and Pujols will make double what Chipper made.  DOUBLE!

This study started out as a curiosity of how much Chipper Jones made but I was shocked as to how little he made given his production.  I have concluded that Ted Turner, representing the city of Atlanta, should give Chipper $50 million or his own Hooters, whichever Chipper prefers.  Ted Turner, by giving Chipper that option I just saved you $49 million.  Please send that check payable to Brainfart-Thoughts.

"Check out Chipper's mom or wife or daughter.  All three are believable!"

Dreams

Like everybody else, I randomly have dreams while I sleep.  However, unlike most people, I have never had a sex dream.  You know, a dream where you get your bone on with a celebrity or that hot chick from work or the cute girl who sits beside you in math class.  Don't get me wrong, I have had plenty of dreams that involved a random girl, but none of them ended in sex.  There have been dreams with a lot of sexual implications and (sadly) cuddling, but for whatever reason, the horizontal mambo has never occurred.  My guess behind this is that my brain just likes to screw with me at night and my brain just gives me weird dreams instead of sexy ones.  For example, I once had a dream that started out where a female friend and myself went to the opera (why the opera?  I have no idea) and as we went to leave, I learned that in my dream world people didn't drive cars, instead we rode dinosaurs as transportation.  Yeah, that might be weird, but also awesome.  Anyways, as we were riding our Stegosaurus-car named Chappy home, we pulled up to a red light and our jerk neighbors pulled up beside us on their shiny new Tyrannosaurus Rex-SUV.  And because I hated our neighbors for some reason, I started talking shit to those jerks and that is when I told Chappy to kick their new dino-car's ass, which he promptly did.  So, as you can see my dreams are really strange in an awesome way, but for some reason, I have never had a sex dream and I wonder if that is normal.  Personally, it doesn't bother me because my dreams might actually be cooler than a sex dream  Then again, if you could pay to have a sex dream about Olivia Wilde, I would give all my money to that business.

"Another strange fact about me - I sleep with my eyes open.  On numerous occasions people have had conversations with me while I was asleep and they didn't realize it until later that I was actually unconscious."

NOKW - The Bourne Ultimatum

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Bourne Ultimatum

Basic Plot:  Jason Bourne is back for the third installment in this franchise, this time he goes from Russia to Tangiers and then takes his fight to the good ol' U.S. of A.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Jason Bourne looks like he gained 15 or 20 pounds in muscle since the last movie even though this movie starts exactly where the last one ended.  The fact that towards the beginning of the movie, the bad government guys thought it would be okay to assassinate someone in a crowed train station and not expect repercussions.  The fact that Jason is able to fend off a trained assassin with a knife by only using his fists and a book.  The fact that Jason is able to stroll into CIA headquarters and make it all the way into the head guy's office and nobody notices even though, and I can't stress this enough, everyone in that office is looking for him.  The fact that Jason is also able to stroll into highly secure CIA training complex.  The fact that the good CIA lady faxes Top Secret documents to the media and she is not instantly fired (then again, I haven't seen the new, so maybe she has, but I'm going to assume she hasn't).

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the makers of this movie actually thought that we would believe that Jason Bourne would bang Julia Stiles.  Have you seen her lately?  Yikes.  She peaked as an actress in the movie 10 Things I Hate About You and she didn't even look good then.  So, how could they possibly expect us to believe that Jason "Badass" Bourne would actually hit that?  That dude has killed a bad guy with a rolled up magazine, he could have any chick on the planet.  Seriously, he is the American James Bond and the British spy has racked up quite an impressive resume of tail over the years, so whoever cast this movie should have picked someone a helluva lot more attractive than Julia Stiles.  In fact, whoever cast 10 Things I Hate About You should be ashamed of themselves too, Heath Ledger wouldn't have touched that with a 10 foot pole.  I am not okay with that.

"Come on Jason, you could do way better."

Stupid State Laws - Illinois

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Chicago, Illinois

"Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire."

Another one of those awesomely stupid laws that should be chalked up to common sense but some idiot had to defy logic and cause lawmakers to create a law.  However, I like how they only outlaw eating in a building that is on fire.  So, I guess that means it is okay to watch TV while a house or building is on fire.  Or you could continue to take a shower or better yet, continue to get your bone on while the place is coming down around you and it is perfectly legal.  Thanks Illinois, you have created a law that has way too many loopholes for stupid people to legally live their lives while they might be burning to death.

"Should we get him outta there and arrest his dumb ass or just let him learn his lesson?"

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 6

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Cincinnati Bengals (-2) at Cleveland Browns

Sunday 1:00

- Call this one a hunch.  Cincy is the best not good team in the league meaning they lose to the good teams and beat the bad ones without many exceptions.  The Browns are a bad one and thus will be beaten.

Kansas City Chiefs at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (UNDER 40)

Sunday 1:00

- These teams do not even have mediocre offenses and are even worse at scoring touchdowns.  The Chiefs defense is getting more and more healthy and the Bucs had a bye week to prepare for....Brady Quinn?!?!?  Neither team has a great defense but they each have more than enough to overwhelm the offenses.

Dallas Cowboys at Baltimore Ravens (-3.5)

Sunday 1:00

- Dallas is the most over-rated and over-hyped team in the NFL.  Romo has been awful and the offensive line is terrible.  Even with a week to prepare, the Ravens are the superior team and are playing at home.  Dallas won't be able to conjure up the magic they had in the opening game against the Giants and the Ravens will slowly but surely put them away by over a touchdown.

Minnesota Vikings (whatever) @ Washington Redskins

Sunday 4:25

- The line isn't officially out yet on this game because RG3's status is unknown.  I do not care what his status is - the Vikings are going to pound the Skins either way.  If he plays, I think he will be hesitant which takes away all the upside from him and makes him very ordinary.  Minnesota may not have a top defense but they can lay the smack down on ordinary.  You know who the backup is for Washington?  Kirk Cousins.  Who?  Exactly.  He is a lot like RG3 except without the speed or the throwing power or the accuracy or without the four games of experience.  The Vikings win by at least 10.

Last Week's Results: 3-1-0
Season Results: 11-10-1

College Football v. NFL

We here at Brainfart have stated this before but it bears repeating, we love us some football.  Whether it is college or pro football, it is awesome and we will watch it.  However, I have always had a soft spot for college football and I think I have finally figured out why.  Here are those reasons:

• Fantasy Football - If it weren't for fantasy football, I probably would still watch the NFL, but I wouldn't really care about who wins or loses.  In fact, I still don't as long as my fantasy player does awesome.  For example, as I was writing this, there was a random Thursday night NFL game going on and all I wanted to happen was for my fantasy running back to get a lot of yards and get every touchdown his team scored.  As for who won the game, it didn't really matter to me.  With college football, every game seems to matter more to me and I'm more heavily invested in the outcome even when I am watching Florida State running up the score against some scrub team.
• Sidelines - In any typical NFL game, only 53 players dress for the game and so when you see a player make a play on the sideline, he is more likely to knock over a coach or that guy who holds the first down marker than he is to run into another player.  In college football, there are close to 100 players who dress for a game and in the same situation, that player is either going to be caught by his teammates or avoided like the plague so that he runs into the opponent's bench as hard as he can.  Somehow, I have always thought it weird to see so few players on the sideline in a pro game and that is another reason I think college football is better.
• Offenses - Is it just me or do all pro offenses look the same?  Every team has a huge quarterback (there are only two starters in the NFL under 6 feet tall) and it seems as if they all run the same offense.  I know there are some different styles run, but for the most part, they all look identical and no team runs anything that would be deemed "radical" at that level of football.  As for college, you have spread offense, pro offenses, fast-tempo offense, and even triple-option offenses.  On any given Saturday, your team could be facing another team who will be running something completely different than the team you played the week before.  It gives the college game a uniqueness the pros just don't have and I love it.
• Passion - This has two meanings.  First, pro players don't seem to care about the outcome of games (unless it is the playoffs) as much as college players and only seem to care about their paycheck.  Meanwhile, college players are so much more passionate about their games because one loss could mean they won't be playing for anything significant at the end of the season unlike pro teams who can lose seven games and still win the Super Bowl (I'm looking at you, Eli).  Second, the fans of college football teams are so much more invested in their school's team because they most likely went to that school and actually feel like a part of the team.  As for pro fans, they usually just so happen to live in their team's town and pulling for their team is just what people do.  Sure, both college and pro teams have bandwagon fans, but the true college fans can actually make a claim as to why they pull for their team and pro bandwagon fans probably pull for a team because they are the Cowboys.
• Student Sections - This is something the NFL will never have and it makes college football that much more fun.  Whether the students are starting cheers or the wave, or if they are making a ton of drunken noise when it matters most, the student section really sets apart the difference between the pros and the 'amateurs'.
• Tradition - Can you even name the biggest tradition a team can claim in the NFL?  The Lambeau Leap?  The Dirty Bird?  Ray Lewis dancing before home games?  Seriously, the NFL doesn't have any memorable traditions that come to mind.  But college football is full of them.  Rivalry trophies, Dotting the "i", The Ramblin' Wreck, Live Mascots, The 12th Man, Planting the Flaming Spear, Toomer's Corner, Touchdown Jesus, and my favorite, Rubbing Howard's Rock and The Running Down The Hill.  Every team has something unique to its school, something the NFL can't even compare to.
• Bands - This one will sound strange until you think about it.  The NFL doesn't have school bands and when I watch a pro game, it sounds weird not hearing a live band playing the fight song after every big play.  This is by far the biggest difference (other than talent level) between the two levels of football and it is something I truly love about the college game that the NFL will never have.

"The Most Exciting 25 Seconds in College Football.  Watching this live really does get you fired up no matter how many times you have seen it"

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 7

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on Coaches Poll
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

#15 Texas Longhorns (+3) @ #10 Oklahoma Sooners

Cotton Bowl - Dallas, Texas
12:00
ABC

North Carolina Tarheels @ Miami Hurricanes (+8)

2:30
ESPNU

#17 Stanford Cardinal @ #7 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-7.5)

3:30
NBC

#4 West Virginia Mountaineers (-3.5) @ Texas Tech Red Raiders

3:30
ABC

#3 South Carolina Gamecocks (+2.5) @ #8 LSU Tigers

8:00
ESPN

#21 Texas A&M Aggies @ #24 Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (+8)

9:00
ESPNU

-Why is a Turnover-on-Downs not considered a "Turnover" in a team's box score?  For example, I was at the Clemson game against Georgia Tech this weekend and on GT's first possession, the Jackets went for it on 4th-and-1 and failed to convert and when that exact situation happens, it is referred to as a "Turnover-on-Downs".  However, if you look at the box score from that game, you will see that they credited GT with only one turnover which was the result of a fumble in the 3rd Quarter.  So, I ask again, why is it called a Turnover-on-Downs if it doesn't actually count as a "Turnover"?  That makes no sense.

-I finally had a good week with my picks last week and finished 5-1.  And do you know who ruined my perfect week?  If you said the Gaycocks (misspelled on purpose), then you are correct.  As a Clemson alum and rabid fan, I just knew those jerks down in Columbia would find a way to ruin my perfect weekend and they did it spectacular fashion by wiping the floor with the Georgia Bulldogs.  Well, no worries, between Alex's NFL Picks and my College Picks, we finished a combined 8-2 and the momentum is gaining and I have a good feeling I will go undefeated the rest of the season or your money back.

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend Said:

(At first, I wasn't going to do a Funniest GameDay Sign for this week b/c Gamecock fans are illiterate idiots, but then I saw this gem and had to give those idiots some credit.)

Last Week's Results: 5-1
Season Results: 19-18

Movie 43

I was watching the incredible funny show, Tosh.0, last week and during a commercial break they showed the trailer for a flick called Movie 43.  I only bring this to your attention because Mars Attacks! currently holds Brainfart's Greatest Star-Studded Cast Ever Award, but this movie might challenge that.  While Mars Attacks! stars numerous award winners, Movie 43 might win the award due to sheer volume.  I had never heard of this movie until I saw the trailer last week and it is just chock-full of actors.  And if you didn't watch the linked trailer, let's just say that this is one crazy looking comedy and that makes it that much more shocking that this many big names are in the movie.  Seriously, at one point in the trailer, you catch a glimpse of someone motor-boating a corpse.  Yeah, crazy/funny looking movie.  Just check out this list of the stars in this thing:

• Hugh Jackman - aka Wolverine.
• Elizabeth Banks - if you don't know her name, you would recognize her if you saw her.
• Emma Stone - you know her, she was in Superbad and the new Spider-Man movie.
• Gerard Butler - "This. Is. Sparta!"  Oh, and if you watched the trailer, he plays the leprechaun.
• Naomi Watts - I guess the biggest role she ever played was in the King Kong remake, but that doesn't give her enough credit, b/c she is one of the most naturally beautiful people on the planet and I might be in love with her.  Oh, and she has been nominated for an Academy Award.
• Chloe Grace Moretz - she was Hit-Girl in the movie Kick-Ass and soon to be Kick-Ass 2.
• Kristin Bell - aka Veronica Mars and Sarah Marshall from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
• Anna Faris - she was the chick from all of the Scary Movie movies.
• Kate Winslet - yeah, 6-time Academy Award Nominee and one-time winner is in this thing.
• Richard Gere - did you know he was married to Cindy Crawford?  I feel like I should have known that.
• Uma Thurman - come on, you know who Killed Bill.
• Seann William Scott - aka Stifler.
• Chris Pratt - he is on Parks and Recreation and was the guy who played 1st base in Moneyball.
• Justin Long - the biggest role he ever played was that whiny annoying hacker in Die Hard 4.
• Patrick Warburton - aka Puddy from Seinfeld.
• Halle Berry - another Academy Award winner as well as winner of Best Gratuitous Nudity when she showed us her boobs in Swordfish.
• Christopher Mintz-Plasse - aka McLovin'.
• Josh Duhamel - he was in the Transformer movies and sadly, I found out that he is married to Fergie who we have covered before.
• Liev Schreiber - he played Wolverine's brother, Sabertooth, in that most recent Wolverine movie.  Also, this man knows how to marry, he is hitched to Naomi Watts and they also happen to play husband and wife in this movie.
• Terrance Howard - Iron Man's black buddy in the first movie before he got replaced in the second one by Don Cheadle.
• Jason Sudeikis - is currently on SNL and has starred in movies like Horrible Bosses and Hall Pass and did you know he is dating the super sexy Olivia Wilde?  What a lucky bastard.
• Johnny Knoxville - aka Johnny Knoxville.
• Kate Bosworth - she was Lois Lane in Superman Returns and judging by that performance, you can tell why her career hasn't exactly taken off since then.
• Tony Shalhoub - aka Monk.
• Leslie Bibb - also in the Iron Man movies, she played the blond reporter that Tony Stark boinked at the beginning of the first one.
• Jack McBrayer - aka Kenneth from 30 Rock.
• Kieran Culkin - the only Culkin that still gets any work, he was great in Scott Pilgrim v. the World.
• JB Smoove - hilarious stand-up comedian.

Yeah, that is an insane cast for a movie that looks like it might be the raunchiest comedy of the year and I can't wait to see it.

"If you didn't notice, I wrote the most about her, so what I'm trying to say is that I'm a fan."

Wendy's Commercial Redhead

This is a picture of Morgan Smith Goodwin, otherwise known as that redhead from the Wendy's commercials:

And this is a picture of Alyson Hannigan, the actress from the America Pie movies and the TV show, How I Met Your Mother (did you know Bob Saget does all the voice-overs for that show?):

When I first saw those Wendy's commercials, I could have sworn that these two were sisters.  Seriously, look at those pictures and tell me you don't see the similarities.  Well, as it turns out, they are not related and I wanted to clear up any confusion that people may have had about the situation.  You're welcome.

NOKW - Transformers

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Transformers

Basic Plot:  The staple of our youth put into a live-action flick with a ton of robot fights, Megan Fox running in slow motion, and unnecessary explosions.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Big Bobby V (R.I.P. Bernie Mac) sells a car that isn't his to sell in the first place.  The fact that both of the sequels to this movie failed so miserably at being as good as the first one and it wasn't that good to begin with.  The fact the daughter of a car thief hangs out with the "cool" kids, oh wait, if a girl looked like Megan Fox, she can hang out with anyone she chooses.  The fact that giant robots save Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox from the government agents in the middle of Los Angeles and there are no other cars on the road to witness it.  The fact that the government has a giant robot hidden under the Hoover Dam and decided to keep it on ice instead of trying to find out how to turn it off so that it can't wake up and kill them, which it does.  The fact that "The Cube" turns machinery into robots that are all instantly armed with some sort of gun, why not just turn them into unarmed robots and they have to find guns on their own?  The fact that the robots have a giant fight in a populated area in today's cell phone camera age and the government is able to cover it up.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the Decepticons all turn into cool stuff like jets, tanks, and helicopters while the Autobots only turn into cars and a big slow truck.  If you are fighting a war, wouldn't it make sense to be on even ground with your enemy?  So, while the Decepticons can transform into jets, you would think it would be advantageous for the Autobots to follow suit and turn into something that can fly, too.  But no, they turn into cars.  Hell, in the scene where the Autobots arrive on Earth, they show one of them walk past a showroom of cars that includes a Hummer and the idiot chooses a small Pontiac coupe instead of the badass all-terrain Hummer.  Even their leader, Optimus Prime, turns into a slow ass 18-wheeler, how is that going to help you when the bad guys are flying over your head firing missiles on your slow ass?  I am not okay with that.

"I am okay with Megan Fox fixing a motorcycle in such an unnecessary position."

Stupid State Laws - Idaho

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Idaho

"You may not fish on a camel's back."

Since when are there enough camels in Idaho that they are having a rampant fishing-on-a-camel problem?  And that doesn't even take into account as to why you cannot fish while on a camel's back.  Do fish have some sort of infatuation with camels and are drawn to them making fishing that much easier?  Have too many camels been hurt in freak fishing line accidents?  Are camels eating all the bait?  What in the hell was going on that they had to create a law that disallows people from fishing on a camel's back?  Damn you Idaho, why does this stupid law exist?

"To skirt the law, these two are not showing the giant fish they caught in this picture.  Very sneaky, guys."

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 5

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red

All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Atlanta Falcons (-3) at Washington Redskins

Sunday 1:00

-  Washington has held strong this year with great RG3 performances, but the defense is bad - giving up 31 points a game - and they have not really played a team that is very good yet.  The Falcons come in hot after trying to lose against the Panthers.  The Skins will get their points but Matty Ice won't be stopped.

Chicago Bears (-5) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Sunday 4:00

- Same old Jaguars, maybe a tick better than last year, against the same old Bears.  The last two weeks the unusually healthy Bears defense is crushing and that won't stop against the Jags who are averaging 8 points a game in their first two home games.  Yikes.  You play this game almost any year since the Jaguars existed and the Bears win by a touchdown - that isn't changing this year. 

Tennessee Titans at Minnesota Vikings (-6)

Sunday 1:00

- The Vikings always have talent on the defensive line and they will feast on Matt Hasselbeck who probably doesn't move from the couch to the bathroom to pee.  Titans, good luck with that Chris Johnson resurgence.  For the people blinded by his 141 yards rushing, don't forget to check out the scoreboard which shows that they lost by 28!

Houston Texans (-9) @ New York Jets

Monday 8:30

- Some of the talking heads think this is the must win game for the Jets and that will motivate them.  Last I checked motivation alone won't stop JJ Watt and the Texans defense.  I don't think the Jets get over 13 points and I think Houston scores at least 24.  Those are my thoughts. Welcome to Tebow Time 2.0.

Last Week's Results: 3-2-0
Season Results: 8-9-1

Ranking Batmans

This is probably unnecessary, but we here at Brainfart are going to do it anyways.  Our criteria is solely based on the quality of the respective actors' movie(s) and the believability of that actors' portrayal of being Bruce Wayne/Batman.  Alright, let's rank us some Batmans:

5) George Clooney - this one is easy, he starred in the movie that destroyed the Batman franchise and killed comic book movies until the first X-Men movie came out in 2000 (unless you liked the first Blade, which came out the year after Clooney's piece of shit).  If you actually did like Batman & Robin, then you need to look in a mirror and reassess your life, because that thing was beyond awful and you have a terrible taste in movies.  However, I guess we should thank him for killing the franchise because it did indirectly lead to the creation of Christopher Nolan's awesome Dark Knight trilogy, but still, his movie sucked balls.

4) Val Kilmer - while I don't think Val was anywhere near as bad as Clooney, it's just that the rest of the people on this list were better.  Also, it doesn't help him that Batman Forever was the movie that you could tell was a transition from Tim Burton's good Batman movies to Joel Shumacher's piece of shit Batman movie.  And we can all blame that on Jim Carrey, it seems as if everyone in that movie was trying to be as ridiculous as Jim Carrey's character and it just made that movie stupid.

T-2) Adam West - a tie, you say?  Yes, a tie.  Even though Adam West's portrayal of Batman was silly, he was still good enough at it that he made a movie and starred in 120 episodes of the 70's TV show.  Plus you have to love his character on Family Guy and that bumps him up into a tie with our next Batman.

T-2) Micheal Keaton - when Tim Burton first cast Keaton as Batman, the fans thought he was crazy because Mike (that's what I call him) had done mostly comedies up to that point in his career.  However, Tim Burton didn't care what the fans thought and he was correct with his choice and the fans proved once again that they don't know what they are talking about.  Mike nailed it and is the only actor other than Christian Bale to star in more than one movie as Batman.  Sure, you wouldn't look at Mike and think he would whip your ass in a fight, but he still played a great Bruce Wayne/Batman and surprised a lot of people when the movie came out.

1) Christian Bale - the King of Being Batman, no doubt about it, no argument, can't dispute this choice no matter how good of a case you have for someone else, he was the best and it isn't even close.  His only flaw was the "Batman Voice", but even that was cool.  Also, I read somewhere that he bulked up so much for Batman Begins that Christopher Nolan made him lose weight in order to play the part.  I thought that was pretty hardcore and when a guy is that into a part that he overdid it, you know he was the best.

"Yeah, this guy was a better Batman than Clooney and Kilmer and one of those guys won an Oscar."