Sunday, September 30, 2012

Stupid State Laws - Georgia 3

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here) and since I found another funny one from the state of Georgia, we are going back there:

Georgia

"It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroner's office."

Georgia, you cease to amaze me.  You can only imagine the scene that occurred in order for this law to come into existence.  Uncle Dale just died and his brother, Bubba, shows up at the funeral home to pay his respects.  However, Bubba is drunk.  As usual.  And he starts yelling about how Dale still owes him money from that failed deer-flavored pizza venture they invested in.  Sure enough, things escalate and Bubba starts spewing profanity-filled insults at the deceased Dale and has to be restrained by the police.  The next thing you know, the lawmakers feel obliged to make a law about cussing at dead bodies and history is made in stupidity.  Thank you, Georgia.

"It probably looked something like this, but with more jorts and cut-off rebel flag t-shirts, oh and Natty Light."

Saturday, September 29, 2012

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 4

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red
All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

New England Patriots (-4) at Buffalo Bills
Sunday 1:00

-  The Pats are pissed and they need a win badly.  It's never a good idea to back Brady into a corner - I think they get back to basics and dissect the Bills.  The Bills running game is knicked up all over the board and Belichick should be able to come up with a defense to brink out Evil Fitzpatrick.  Patriots win by 10. (Side note - has anyone ever noticed the Patriot's coach is named Belly-Chick?!?  How have there not been more jokes?  Com on Jet's fans - step it up.)

New York Giants (+1) at Philadelphia Eagles
Sunday 8:30

- How are the Eagles favored?  Does Vegas think Vick is going to ONLY have 3 turnovers?  The Eagles are way to random to beat a solid team like the Giants.  I expect a lot of swings but Eli's consistency and the Giants pass rush should win the day.

Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons (-7) 
Sunday 1:00

- Cam is solid but it appears like the NFL has caught up a little bit taking away anything deep and letting him run for a yard or two when he wants.  The Falcon's offense is hitting on all cylinders and should be able to top 25 or 30 points.  The only thing I worry about in this game is the back-door cover - just like college! Zing.

San Francisco 49ers (-4.5) @ New York Jets
Sunday 1:00

- The 49ers are pissed.  Jim Harbaugh does not like losing - so much so that he didn't even let the team go home during the week, instead having them practice in Ohio to avoid a long trip back to New York.  Want to know a good way to make a bunch of huge guys really really really angry?  Keep them at Youngstown State for a week  - they are going to annihilate the first Jet they see on Sunday.  The Jets are struggling on offense and the 49ers will be the best defense they will have played yet.  I have a hard time seeing the Jets scoring more than 14 points.  I'm going to go ahead and call this one exactly - 24-10 San Fran.


New Orleans Saints at Green Bay Packers (OVER 53.5)
Sunday 1:00

-  The Saints are not a good football team right now, but there offense has been solid.  Green Bay hasn't gotten going yet but the Saint's defense is just what they need to get going after coming off really tough match-ups the first three games. I think this game will look a lot like last year's score-fest when the Pack won 42-32.  So far this season the Saints have scored 27 points per game while giving up 34.

Last Week's Results: 3-1-0
Season Results: 5-7-1

Friday, September 28, 2012

Fun With Celebrity Heights Part 2

A couple of weeks ago, I did a post about some celebrity heights that I found shocking.  This week, we are going to continue that theme and compare some of the more celebrities and their height.  Let's get it on:
  • Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen - these brothers' careers didn't have the same path and neither did their heights, Charlie (5'9) has nearly 6 inches on his tiny brother Emilio (5'4.5).
  • Ben Stiller, Ron Jeremy, and Macaulay Culkin - all of these guys are only 5'6 and the only one that I could see actually being that tall is the pornstar.  For some reason, I just assumed that Ben Stiller was taller.
  • Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson - the co-stars in the insanely lucrative Harry Potter series also share something else in common, they are both 5'5.  I found that really funny.
  • David Hasselhoff, Stephen King, and Steven Segal - this group all stands in at 6'4 and I could see The Hoff being that tall and I could understand the horror writer having some hops, but at no point during Steven Segal's career did I ever think he was this tall.
  • Donald and Kiefer Sutherland - father and son have both had great acting careers, however, dad did not pass on his height gene.  Donald is 6'3.5 and his son is only 5'8.5.
  • Megan Fox and Corey Feldman - I always just assumed that Megan Fox was model tall, but it turns out that she is only 5'4, which is average for a woman.  In the meantime, Corey Feldman is only one inch taller at 5'5.  (I just wanted an excuse to show a picture of Megan Fox and her boobs.)
  • Michael Cera, Jackie Chan, and Angela Lansbury - when I think of Micheal Cera, I always picture a tall, lanky dude.  And when I think of Jackie Chan, I picture a small Asian dude.  It turns out that both are 5'8.5.  Also, I found out that Angela Lansbury of Murder She Wrote fame is the same height.  I did not see that coming.
  • Heath Ledger and Clay Aiken - surprisingly, both of these guys are 6'1.  While 6'1 isn't that tall, I just did not picture either of them breaking 6 feet.
  • Robert Downey Jr, Zac Efron, and Katie Holmes - did you know that Iron Man is only 5'8?  So is Zac Efron.  But the once desirable Katie Homes is taller than both, standing at 5'9.
  • Danny DeVito and Peter Dinklage - if you don't know who Peter Dinklage is, he is the actor who plays Tyrion Lannister on Game of Thrones, so you now know that he is a little person.  However, I found it really funny that Danny DeVito (4'10) is only 5 inches taller than Peter (4'5).
"Boy, did her career sizzle pretty fast, but those boobs are still spectacular."

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 5


Picks in Bold
Rankings based on Coaches Poll
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

#24 Baylor Bears @ #7 West Virginia Mountaineers (-12.5)
12:00

Tennessee Volunteers @ #5 Georgia Bulldogs (-13)
3:30

Ohio State Buckeyes (+3) @ #18 Michigan State Spartans
3:30

#10 Texas Longhorns (-2.5) @ #22 Oklahoma State Cowboys
7:50

#23 Wisconsin Badgers @ #20 Nebraska Cornhuskers (-12.5)
8:00

#21 Oregon State Beavers @ Arizona Wildcats (-3)
10:00

-ESPN paid the SEC a lot of money to broadcast SEC football games and because they paid the SEC so much money, they feel obligated to put those games on in primetime.  However, I don't think ESPN is getting their monies worth, look at this week's slate:

South Carolina @ Kentucky 7:00 ESPN2
Towson @ LSU 7:00 ESPNU
Ole Miss @ Alabama 9:15 ESPN

Yeah, two of those games involve teams favored by more than 3 touchdowns and the other one has a Division I-A opponent.  Why in the hell are those games considered primetime worthy?  They're not and that's just another reason to hate the SEC.  You're welcome.

-Did anybody watch the Miami/Georgia Tech game?  Or better yet, did anybody bet on the Miami/Georgia Tech game?  If you did, what a roller coaster   The line was GT by 14.5 and I picked GT to cover and after the first quarter, I couldn't have been more wrong.  Miami got out to a quick 19-0 lead, but then squandered it when GT scored 36 straight points and it looked like I was going to get that pick correct.  That was when Miami scored the final 23 points and won in overtime.  What a crazy game.  I was mad, then happy, then pissed again.  In any case, I finished the week 3-3 and can't quite crack .500 on the season.  But don't worry, I'm going to take what I learned last week and turn it into a winning week or your money back.

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend Said:


(Sadly, I didn't get that until someone gladly pointed out "They're talking about Tiger Woods")

Last Week's Results: 3-3
Season Results: 12-13

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

My Trouble With WORDs

I am an auto-correct convert.  I understand that it can be annoying - almost like someone telling you what to do all the time - but why are we wasting so much time going back through our documents checking every tiny little misspelling?  Has anyone ever not capitalized "I"?  No, why wouldn't you?  95% of the time Siri (or any auto-correct machine, they are just the only one to name thiers) knows what she's doing - let her fix it!  If the correction is not what you intended what is the harm - "Oh no - you ended up on a funny auto-correct website! Hilarious!".  Back in the old days, big shots had personal assistants to correct your spelling, but now is the future.  It is time to embrace the virtual helpers and let someone else do our work for us; even if that someone else doesn't have a nice rack.

And on a separate note, if I write "dont" in a computer program of any kind, dont underline it and get me to look at it and change it - I mean "don't" so do your fucking job Bill Gates and add my fucking apostrophe!

"However, she has a nice rack and can do my work for me anytime.  And I mean ANYTIME."

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Golf Playoffs

My dad and I had an argument the other day about the PGA Tour's FedEx Cup and I felt like sharing it.  My pops likes the FedEx Cup because he claims it crowns an official champion of the PGA Tour for the year.  My counterpoint was - who cares?  Seriously, who the hell cares who wins this title?  No one.  The only tournaments that people care about are the four "Majors".  So, if some random guy wins the FedEx Cup, the only people that care are the winner, his family, and his caddie and that is only because the winner receives $10 million for some reason.  I'll put it this way, do you know who won the FedEx Cup last year?  I doubt it, but it was Bill Haas.  I knew that answer but that was because the guy is from my hometown and I used to play golf and basketball against him in high school.  However, I bet any casual fan can name who won The Masters or the British Open this year (it was Bubba Watson and Ernie Els), which is exactly why I deem a "winner" of the PGA Tour playoffs pointless.

There is another major reason I find these so-called playoffs stupid.  First you need to know that the Top 30 golfers in the FedEx Cup Standings qualify for the last tournament of the year, The Tour Championship.  And if a golfer qualifies for The Tour Championship then it is mathematically possible for any one of them to win the FedEx Cup.  What?  That's just dumb.  I guess you could argue that if two teams make the Super Bowl, then either of those teams is eligible to win the championship and that The Tour Championship is technically the championship game of the FedEx Cup, but this is 30 golfers, not two teams.

The whole FedEx Cup setup seems convoluted and I bring up my first point again, why do we need an official winner of the PGA Tour season?  Bubba Watson won The Masters and that will be way more memorable than whoever wins the FedEx Cup/PGA Tour Championship.  I'll put it another way, who do you think was the best golfer this season?  Tiger Woods with his 3 wins, 1 runner-up, 2 third place finishes, and 9 Top 10's?  How about Rory McIlroy and his 4 wins (one of them a Major), 2 runner-ups, 1 third place finish, and 10 Top 10's?  I would go with Rory and I would crown him the "winner" of the PGA this year, but do you know who won the FedEx Cup?  Probably not, because it wasn't either of those guys, it was Brandt Snedeker.  There is no way he was the best golfer this year and that is just stupid.  Plus it is now football season, no one is watching golf anymore anyways.

"Here is last year's FedEx Cup winner....wait, nobody cares about that, so here is Natalie Gulbis instead.  Way better."

Monday, September 24, 2012

NOKW - Cowboys & Aliens

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Cowboys & Aliens

Basic Plot:  Some cowboys fight some aliens.  Also, it turns out that the super sexy Olivia Wilde was an alien too, but a good one.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that the aliens came to Earth to take our gold and as part of their plan, they have to wipe out the Earth's population for some reason.  The fact that the super sexy Olivia Wilde is an alien who came from another world and didn't bother to bring any sort of alien technology that could aid her in fighting the bad aliens.  The fact that super sexy Olivia Wilde is an alien looking to stop the bad guy aliens and just so happens to live in the one town the bad guy aliens attack.  The fact that James Bond might have the worst Old West accent since Liam Neeson in Seraphim Falls.  The fact that the cowboys thought it would be a good idea to go after the bad guy aliens even though they got their asses handed to them in their first skirmish with the help of only a couple guys and a handful of guns.  The fact that James Bond totally checks out the super sexy Olivia Wilde when she is naked in the scene where (Spoiler Alert) she comes back to life...somehow.  The fact that in the final fight scene, the bad guy aliens abandon their strategy of jumping out of bushes and killing cowboys in bunches when they could have easily won that fight in minutes.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the bad aliens have an armband that can see through walls, detect other aliens, shoot some sort of projectile, and most importantly, blow up their ship in a nuclear-style explosion.  While that armband is awesome in its own right, why would they allow it the ability to blow up their entire ship with the wrong push of a button.  If you didn't see the movie, James Bond steals an armband while being held captive by the bad guy aliens and then gives it to the super sexy Olivia Wilde who crawls up into the heart of the bad guy alien's ship at the end of the movie and then blows the whole thing up using that armband.  So, if the bad guys are going to have such an awesome piece of hardware, why in the hell would they give it the ability to wipe them all out?  Seriously, what if some slow-witted alien rolls over while sleeping and accidentally pushes the "Blow Up Ship" button?  They would all be screwed, that's what would happen, so why would they even let it come to that?  On top of that, if they know James Bond has one of their armbands that has the potential to kill them all, why are they not using all of their resources to hunt him down and get it back?  I am not okay with that.

"If she told me I could touch her boobs only if I killed someone for her, I wouldn't hesitate."

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Stupid State Laws - Georgia 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here) and just so you know, I found another hilarious law from the state of Georgia, so we will be revisiting this state today:

Kennesaw, Georgia

"Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind."

Whoa, that's kind of awesome, but hilariously unenforceable.  Fellow Brainfart contributor, Alex, told me about this law and sure enough, it exists.  I really wish I was a cop in Kennesaw and tasked with the job of going door-to-door asking people if they would present their firearms.  And I really want to know how many arrests I would have to make.  What do you think the percentage of people with firearms is?  I'm glad you asked because I looked it up and the answer is roughly 45%.  So, that would mean that if I was a cop in Kennesaw, I would be throwing cuffs on over half the population.  How hilarious is that?  Also, do you think if you were asked to produce your firearm and you literally set your arm on fire, would that be sufficient?  I hope so, because otherwise that would be a waste of awesome improvising.

"I see you have your firearm, ma'am, carry on."

Saturday, September 22, 2012

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 3

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too. So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red
All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Cincinnati Bengals at Washington Redskins (OVER 49)
Sunday 1:00

-  Cincy can score on mediocre defenses, and Washington wasn't very special before they had two very good starters go down to injuries last week.  We have all seen what RG3 has done and the Bengal's defense has given up 44 and 27 points in their first two games. Putting up 50 shouldn't be to tough for these two teams to reach.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-4) at Oakland Raiders
Sunday 4:30

- Oakland just got blown out by the Dolphins!  I certainly did not see that coming but they got crushed even though Carson Palmer threw for 373 yards.  Only putting up 13 points with that much offense is hard to do even for the Raiders.  Pittsburgh may not have all their weapons healthy but if the Dolphins have enough, the Steelers definitely do.

Jacksonville Jaguars (+3) at Indianapolis Colts 
Sunday 1:00

-  This just in - Blaine Gabbert is competent!  I know - I'm surprised too.  He isn't good but he is serviceable enough to lead his slightly better band of misfits to a win over the Colts' slightly worse band of misfits.  The margin is not much but close to all across the board I think the Jags are just a little better.

Saint Louis Rams at Chicago Bears (-7.5)
Sunday 1:00

-  The Rams have showed some offensive life but that was against lesser defenses.  The Bears are going to be eager to prove that the Packers' game was a fluke and they have had 10 days to game plan for this match up.  On the other side of the ball Cutler and the offense will look a lot more like week one than week two against the Rams soft defense.  Bush should get the ball early and often.  Look for a slow methodical double digit win from the Bears.


Last Week's Results: 1-3-1
Season Results: 2-6-1

Friday, September 21, 2012

Is The SEC Being Dominant A Bad Thing?

I read the following in a Yahoo article the other day and I thought it brought up a good point:

"2. If SEC hegemony continues, is it a bad thing? The league stands a solid chance of winning a seventh straight national championship, by far the longest streak for one conference in history. With dominance can come indifference in other parts of the country – do fans elsewhere stop caring quite as much about college football if it becomes too centralized in one region? Last year there was significant backlash to the all-SEC championship matchup of LSU and Alabama, an indication of national SEC fatigue. For the good of the sport it would probably be better if someone outside of Dixie wins the title this year – but some intrepid team needs to step up and actually do it."

The author brings up a good point and I agree with what he is trying to get across, however, I'm going to go in a different direction.....kind of.

One of the major aspects that college football tries to project is that every team should be on equal ground when it comes to competition and they accomplish that by setting up stiff rules that every team has to follow.  Such as, rules that regulate recruiting and rules against paying players.  The thing that college football doesn't seem to want to talk about that goes against this image of competition is the amount of money each school gets from their respective conference's TV deal.  Look at it this way, Vanderbilt, a team that is a doormat in the SEC and has only won 8 games once since the 50's, gets more TV money than Florida State, a team that has won numerous National Championships and was a Top 5 team for 14 consecutive years at one point in the past two decades.  How in the hell does that make sense?  How are teams (like Vandy, Kentucky, South Carolina, and Mississippi) that are riding on the coattails of Alabama and LSU making more money than teams that actually compete year in and year out?

Somehow I feel like the money disparity between conference TV deals is going to be the unmaking of college football.  When a crappy team in the SEC is making $5 to $10 million more per year than a great team in another conference over a span of 15 years (that's the usual length of TV contracts), that really adds up and can put teams in the other conferences at a real disadvantage.  And this is why I think the SEC being "dominant" is a bad thing for college football (I put dominant in quotations because only a couple of the teams in the SEC are actually truly dominant and those top teams are allowing the rest of the conference to cash in on their excellence).  That extra cash goes towards better facilities and better coaching which in turn brings in better recruits and when one conference is getting the cream of the crop of the players, college football as a whole is worse off.  Sure, other schools around the country will still bring in great recruiting classes because of tradition and brand name, but the rest of those teams' conferences opponents won't.

However, the argument is that conference dominance is generally cyclical, but when SEC teams are making so much more than the rest of the country, it does create a backlash.  Why do you think the All-SEC National Championship was the lowest rated BCS Championship in history?  Because the rest of the country didn't want to watch a game which shouldn't have happened in the first place.  And to add insult to injury, it looks like another All-SEC Championship might happen again this season.  Hopefully, the SEC will get complacent and the rest of the country can knock them down a peg in the near future.  But as long as the SEC continues to pull in that kind of cash, it will make it that much harder for people across the country to continue to tune in when only a handful of schools in one section of the country continue to win.  In other words, college football might turn into NASCAR.

"Be careful college football, this might be your future."

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 4


Picks in Bold
Rankings based on Coaches Poll
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

Miami Hurricanes @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-14.5)
3:00

Missouri Tigers (+10) @ #8 South Carolina Gamecocks
3:30

#17 Michigan Wolverines @ #15 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-5.5)
7:30

#13 Kansas State Wildcats (+14) @ #5 Oklahoma Sooners
7:50

#9 Clemson Tigers (+14) @ #4 Florida State Seminoles
8:00

#21 Arizona Wildcats (+23.5) @ #3 Oregon Ducks
10:30

-Do you know what last week's biggest shocker was?  Stanford upsetting USC?  Nope.  Arkansas looking like a high school team against Alabama and now only being favored by 7 points against Rutgers this week?  No.  Pittsburgh beating Virginia Tech's ass?  Wrong again.  The biggest upset of the week was that ESPN's College GameDay broke their three-week streak and did not pick another SEC game to go to this weekend.  Yup, the SEC's biggest ass-kissers actually did the right thing and GameDay is going to Tallahassee for the Clemson/Florida State game this week instead of picking a crappy SEC match-up like they have the past two weeks.  I would say I'm proud of them, but then again, they seem to be sweeping Kentucky's loss to Western Kentucky under the rug as if it didn't happen and the SEC is still the greatest thing since man invited fire.

-And speaking of Florida State, can someone please explain to their band leader the rules of football.  If you have ever attended a Florida State game in person, then you know that their band plays that War Chant constantly (it's that song where all the Seminole fans do that chop and all the opposing fans do the same thing but with their middle fingers).  They play it after touchdowns, first downs, and big plays.  However, they also seem to play it when an opponent gets first downs, when their own team loses yards, and even after turnovers.  It seems to me that the band leader has no idea what is going on in the game and instead has an egg timer that reminds him (or her) that they haven't played that annoying song in 30 seconds.  For the sake of mankind, make it stop.

-I finally had a winning week and it would have been better had I not thrown in that bonus pick.  I still can't believe how bad Virginia Tech played against a really bad Pittsburgh team, I guess when you turn the ball over four out of your first six possessions, it just isn't your day.  It doesn't matter, because I like I said, I still had a winning week and nothing can stop the Weekly Picks of the Week now, we are on a role!

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend:

John Stamos's Uncle Jessie Head


Last Week's Results: 4-3
Season Results: 9-10

"This picture was taking as the Miami Hurricanes were running out of the locker room before the game.  How does that school continue to recruit elite players when their fans could care less about them?"

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Cookbook Authors Not Authors

I admit it - I have watched some cooking shows with the old lady.  Maybe even one or two without her.  They aren't as bad as I would have thought but there is one thing that frustrates the shit out of me - most of the chefs are introduced as authors.  The host will say something like "And coming into the kitchen now is world renown chef and author of Grill It, Bobby Flay!"  So I think to myself, "self, what a great and talented guy to not only be a chef but also write a book centered on cooking - I may be able to learn a thing or two about a thing or two from him".  So I go to check this book out on the internets only, shock and surprise, it isn't a book at all - it's a cookbook.  You can't be an author if all you "wrote" is a cookbook!  That's an insult to every writer ever until the end of time.  There aren't even full sentences in cookbooks; at least not ones that don't involve a measurement or an instruction.  If copying down down recipes is writing, consider me Charles fucking Dickens.  How hard is that?  "But you don't understand, its like creating art." Fine.  You're an artist.  A crappy artist.  (writing) "Add salt to mixture."... I'm going on break!  Bobby Flay even has a cookbook called Burgers, Fries, and Shakes.  What's in it, directions to Wendy's?  If your particular kind of "book" has to be qualified with "cook" before it, it means it is not a real book and thus you are not a real author.  You may have been curious why I put the cookbook titles in green smaller text - normal books get underlined, cookbooks now get small and green because they are like little stupid alien books.  Good Day.

" Sous chef, more like....I dunno, just look at the picture some more."

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

MLB Career Achievements

I've never understood why it is such a big deal for a baseball player to have to have 3,000 hits opposed to just having 2,999 and how baseball media members seem to think that if they don't get that last hit, it will make that player's career that much less remarkable.  It's as if that last hit will somehow immortalize that player and change history, but the real truth is that if a player goes from 2,999 hits to 3,000 hits it will only move them to a tie for 27th all-time with Roberto Clemente.

Let's look at a better example.  Fred McGriff, aka The Crimedog, had a great career and hit 493 career home runs.  However, because he didn't hit the 500 Home Run Milestone, he is currently not getting enough votes to make the Hall of Fame.  Let's say that he did hit 500 homers, do you know how many spots he would jump up on the All-Time Home Run List?  Zero.  He is currently tied with Lou Gehrig, so if McGriff hit one more homer, nothing would change other than that he would no longer be tied for 26th for career homers, he would just be 26th by himself.  So, tell why it matters whether he hit 500 or not.  It's stupid that he might not make the Hall of Fame because of 7 home runs.  Oh, and he his career just so happened to occur during the Steroid Era and considering he looked like a string bean, you know he wasn't juicing which makes his career home run total even more impressive.  (Side note - I did not know that home run was actually two words until today, I always just assumed it was one word even though I've seen it spelled a thousand times.)

Another good example is the career of Dale Murphy.  The Murph played for the Atlanta Braves from 1976 to 1990 and made 7 All-Star Games, won 5 Gold Gloves, 4 Silver Sluggers, and 2 MVP Awards.  But because he only hit 398 home runs in his career, he is not in the Hall of Fame.  Dale played for the Braves for 15 seasons and during that stretch, they won one division title, finished second once, but were last in their division eight times and second to last another three times, which is well over half of the seasons he was in Atlanta.  Think about that, the two seasons his team finished in the top 2 in the division, he won an MVP Award, but since his team was awful the rest of his career, he probably didn't have any other players around him to help boast his stats.  And because he couldn't boast his stats, he didn't hit 400 homers and the Hall of Fame committee is holding that against him.  If anything, they should praise him for sticking with such a shitty team and put him in because he was an incredible player and considered one of the nicest guys in baseball (unlike that steroid-infused prick, Barry Bonds).

What I really want to know is what is the Hall of Fame going to do when none of the current pitchers hit the 300 Win Club.  That is the pinnacle of a Major League pitcher and as of right now, not a single current player has over 200 wins.  Roy Halladay has 198 wins, but he doesn't have that many seasons left in him, so he's not getting to 300.  CC Sabathia has 189 wins in 11 seasons and if he stays with the Yankees, he might have a shot at 300 wins, but then again, he is a 6'7, 300 pound monster who can't possibly last until he makes the 300 Win Club.  Are the Hall of Fame voters going to lower their expectations in the near future?  Otherwise, we won't see many pitchers making the Hall anytime soon.

"This is not photo shopped, it is a real fire that happened in the Braves clubhouse on the same day that the Braves acquired Fred McGriff and these two players took the opportunity to snap one of my favorite sports photos ever."

Monday, September 17, 2012

NOKW - Batman & Robin

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Batman & Robin

Basic Plot:  Who the hell knows.

I'm Okay With:  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the Bat-suit has fucking nipples on it.  The fact that Batman introduces himself to Mr. Freeze before their first fight when you know everyone in Gotham City knows who the hell Batman is, let alone that he was dressed as Batman.  The fact that Batman and Robin float back to Earth on two flimsy doors at the beginning of the movie.  The fact that everything in Gotham City seems to be covered with neon lights or black light paint.  The fact that Mr. Freeze's evil plan was to steal money so that he could conduct research to save his wife when he could probably just get funding on his own without stealing it.  The fact that when Mr. Freeze is captured, they put him in a jail cell that is really cold in order to keep him alive, but he wears a really thick robe while in there.  The fact that Poison Ivy's character is just stupid and her evil plan just sounded more like a crazy Green Peace member than a Batman villain.  The fact that Alicia Silverstone is apparently Alfred's niece despite being roughly 100 years younger than him.  The fact that the Batmobile has no protective cover to shield Batman from bugs, let alone gunfire.  The fact that every single line of dialogue in this movie was beyond terrible.  The fact that I tried to watch this movie recently just so I could do this post and couldn't make it more than 30 minutes before I turned it off because it was that awful.  I am not okay with any of this.

"Whoops, wrong Batman and Robin.  Oh well, these guys were better anyways."

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Stupid State Laws - Georgia

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Georgia

"You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by 'fighting' words."

This is a good one.  I looked up the legal definition of simple battery and frankly, it's kind of confusing.  Basically, I think it is "the use of force against another, resulting in harmful or offensive contact".  In other words, it's fighting.  So, if some dumb drunk redneck tells another dumb drunk redneck that his sister has a sweet ass while they are in the state of Georgia, they can duke it out without any consequences.  That's not stupid, that's awesome and seems totally fair to me.  In fact, I just wanted to let the world know that they can go to Georgia and kick someone's ass as long as they first insult the other guy's (or gal's) sexual orientation or the thickness of their momma.  Enjoy!

"He said fightin' and that's a word, who cares if I took it out of context, I'm going kick his ass!"

Saturday, September 15, 2012

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular Week 2

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too.  So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red
All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Baltimore Ravens (+2) at Philadelphia Eagles
Sunday 1:00

-  The Eagles might be without both of their best WRs so Vick will have a hard time trying to figure out who to horribly overthrow.  I don't think the Ravens will win by much but I don't think the Eagles can win with their "offense".

Oakland Raiders (-2.5) at Miami Dolphins
Sunday 1:00

-  Tannehill.

Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals (-7)
Sunday 1:00

-  Even with a banged up secondary Weeden is not going to do anything special.  Joe Haden, Cleveland's only good player and shut-down corner back, is suspended so the great red-headed hope Dalton should have a field day connecting with A.J. Green.

Denver Broncos (+3) at Atlanta Falcons
Monday 7:30

-  The Falcon's secondary was not the greatest to start out with but with their number one CB Grimes out for the year, things should get scary for the birds. The Broncos have a solid defense but Matty Ice and company can put points up on anyone.  In the end Peyton comes through in the clutch and squeaks out a win.

Denver Broncos at Atlanta Falcons (OVER 51)
Monday 7:30

-  See Grimes and Matty ice discussion above.  This is a score-fest that will go even higher being in a dome where Manning is at home.

Last Week's Results: 1-3
Season Results: 1-3

Friday, September 14, 2012

The Mississippi River

I had a (brainfart) thought recently and I've always wanted to know why the state of Mississippi got their name attached to the longest river in America when the river neither originates nor ends in their state.  You would think that if you are going to grace your name upon the longest river in US and it doesn't start or empty into the Gulf of Mexico in your state, then you would at least expect that that state has the longest stretch of the river in it.  Nope, that would be Illinois.  Okay, then maybe it's because that the most famous story ever written that occurred on the Mississippi was set in your state.  That would be a no again, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer was set in Missouri.  So, why in the hell did Mississippi get to name the mighty river after itself?  It turns out that the Indians named the river well before any of our thieving forefathers showed up and they had already named the river "Misi-ziibi" which meant "Great River" and the state of Mississippi just named their state after the river and not the other way around.  What a disappointment.

As I was researching this, I found out that river systems are generally named after either the longest river emptying into the system or the river with the largest volume that flows into it.  As it happens, the Mississippi is neither.  The Missouri River is the longest and the Ohio River has the largest volume, but because the Mississippi splits the country in half (or at least at that time, it did), they decided to name the river system after it.  What a sham.  Well, that's all I've got for today, so enjoy the picture below after learning a little history today.

"What does this have to do with the Mississippi River?  Who cares."

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 3


Picks in Bold
Rankings based on Coaches Poll
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

North Carolina Tar Heels @ #20 Louisville Cardinals (-3)
3:30

#1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-21) @ #21 Arkansas Razorbacks
3:30

Virginia Cavaliers @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-10.5)
3:30

#17 Florida Gators @ Tennessee Volunteers (-3)
6:00

#3 USC Trojans (-8) @ #16 Stanford Cardinal
7:30

#19 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (+6) @ #11 Michigan State Spartans
8:00

-When I first saw that the NCAA made a rule that required a player who had their helmet come off during a play sit out the next play, I thought this was a great idea, maybe it would encourage players to strap on their helmets properly.  But then I saw Clemson's first game against Auburn and changed my mind.  You see, this has allowed defenses to expose a glaring loophole in the new rule by purposely trying to take off key players' helmets during a game.  Too many times did I see an Auburn defender go for Clemson's QB's head during a play and as a result, it has made this new safety rule more dangerous than safe.  The rule was meant to protect players but instead, it has created a way for defenses to intentionally try and take off a player's head just so that player would miss the next play.  A lot of stuff I have read on the internet has been bashing this new rule, but I feel like there is an easy fix to this rule.  If a player's helmet comes off in plain sight, then he should sit out the next play, but if a player's helmet comes off mysteriously at the bottom of a pile, then that player should stay in, because we all know what happened, a defensive player took it off in order to expose the flaw in this new rule.  It's as easy as that.  Otherwise, you will continue to see defenses trying to take off some kid's head which defeats the purpose of the rule in the first place.

As soon as I posted last week's picks, I realized that I had picked pretty much all road teams and immediately regretted it.  And to make things worse, the only home team I picked didn't cover (thanks a lot Virginia).  In all, I can say it was a terrible week of picks for me.  So this week, I'm going to make the picks that I think will win and if I have another bad week, then the next week, I am going to make my picks and then reverse them and post that and see if I don't do better.  I have apparently lost my touch as of right now, but then again, it is still early and I'm still trying to get the feel of how good or bad these teams truly are at this point in the season.  We will figure this out and start winning soon enough or your money back.

BONUS PICK:  Virginia Tech (-10) @ Pittsburgh.  Why is this line so low, did Logan Thomas die and nobody tell me?  Pitt is awful and the Hokies should easily beat them by 10.

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend Said:

"Tebow Graduated In 2010"

(Two years after the guy leaves college and some idiot still has to make a sign about him, if you stop discussing him, he will go away.  But still, it was kind of funny.)


Last Week's Results: 2-4
Season Results: 5-7


"FOOOOOTBUTT!!!!!"

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Rookie QBs - Fact of Fiction

An incredible 5 rookie quarterbacks started the opening game for their respective NFL franchises this year.  How did they do?  In short - like rookies.  Everyone has overblown hope when they haven't seen someone play and we forget to temper our expectations.  In today's up-tempo everything-right-now society we don't give these guys time to develop like they used to.  Even Manning and Aikmen needed a few seasons of, well, seasoning before they realized their potential.  So while the stats were mostly terrible, there is still hope even though you have to squint really hard to see it (except in Cleveland - but if you had expectations for the Browns you probably shot yourself long ago).  Let's go through the rookies Week 1:

Robert Griffin III
320 yards  2 TDs 0 INTs 12.3 yards/attempt
By far the best out of the group.  He made all the plays he needed to, even throwing a block on a run and running himself for 42 yards.  That said, let's not go crazy.  He did not go down field much at all - the long TD pass was a 10 yard (maybe) slant where the Saints refused to touch the WR.  HE was also helped out by a few things - the Washington run game was working, he got up early so there was not as much pressure or urgency, and the Saints had the 30th best pass defense in football last year so it wasn't as hard as you think.  RG3 did what he needed to do and got the win, so he gets the gold star.

Andrew Luck
309 yards  1 TDs 3 INTs 6.9 yards/attempt
While most of the other rookies had something like mid-thirties pass attempts, Luck fired out 45.  The Colts were down and, rightly so, he was the only one that the team really trusted to let loose and pass a lot to attempt a comeback.  His yards looked great and his arm looked good watching the game but he also got helped by the match-up - the Bears, to my surprise, were the 28th best passing defense in the NFL last year.  From a purely eye test point-of-view I think he has the best passing skills out of the 5 rookies.

Russel Wilson
153 yards  1 TDs 1 INTs 4.5 yards/attempt
Wilson was a game manager to a fault for a team that needed him to do something.  The Cardinals are terrible which is the only reason he had a shot to lose it at the end of the game, and he did.  He had a bad yards per attempt which just goes to show that he was dumping off everything and not taking shots down field.

Ryan Tannehill
219 yards  0TDs 3 INTs 6.1 yards/attempt
He at least had a somewhat sort of OK yards per attempt.  He may have the worst weapons of anyone on this list.  I don't think he would trade his wife for Brandon Marshall (who the Dolphins traded in the off-season) but it's close. Check these stats out:

Brandon Marshall: 119 yds 1 TD
Dolphin WRs & TEs combined: 117yds 0 TDs
Yikes!

Brandon Weeden
118 yards  0 TDs 4 INTs 3.4 yards/attempt
Yuck.  By far the worst of the QBs.  He could not have looked worse.  He even fumbled twice but didn't lose them. 3.4 yards per attempt is horrible - to put it in perspective of the top 50 QBs in the NFL last season, Seneca Wallace had the worst yards/attempt at 5.3.  Tebow was at 6.4.  I don't have much hope for him and we should see Colt McCoy soon to take some pressure off of him.  Sadly, Weeden is much older than the other rookies which could allow Cleveland to bail on him sooner than expected.

"Tannehill does have some redeeming qualities."

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

More Movie Sequels and Remakes Part 2

In case you missed the previous Movie Sequel/Prequel posts (click hereherehere, and/or here), this is where I tell you about some of the crap Hollywood is spitting out due to their lack of original ideas.  And away we go:
  • Paranormal Activity 4 - Thankfully I never saw the first three, so I can miss this one and not feel bad about it.
  • Chronicles of Riddick 2 - This is actually the third movie in the series and I saw the first two and thought they were okay (especially the first one, Pitch Black), but a third one is unnecessary.
  • Alex Cross - This is technically a sequel because it will be the third movie based on author James Patterson's character, Alex Cross (the other two movies being Along Came A Spider and Kiss The Girls).  However this time, Tyler Perry is playing the part instead of Morgan Freeman, so there is no way this will be worth watching.
  • Jack Ryan - Another in the series by Tom Clancy, this time Chris Pine (aka the new Captain James T. Kirk) is taking on the part of the CIA operative.  Also, Kiera Knightly is in the this film, so I'm happy.
  • The Hobbit Part 3 - Peter Jackson recently announced that he will be splitting this series into three movies.  Why?  I have no idea other than Peter Jackson probably knocked up a bunch of women and needs the money for child support.
  • The Fast and the Furious 6 - I am only going to say this once, STOP watching these movies, they are stupid and need to be stopped.  If you stop going to see them, they will stop making them and everyone's lives will be better.
  • Despicable Me 2 - Al Pacino is doing a voice in the sequel to one of my nephews' favorite movies, but what in the hell happened to Pacino's career?  The last movie that he was in that I can remember was the Razzie winner, Jack and Jill, you know, that terrible Adam Sandler flick.  And now this, what went wrong, Al?
  • Grown Ups 2 - What?!?  Adam Sandler hasn't made a decent movie in over a decade but someone keeps allowing him to make more (Big Daddy being the last good one).  Why?  Does he have incriminating pictures of someone?  That's the only explanation I can come up with.
  • Robocop - I would make fun of this movie, but the incredible Gary Oldman is in it and that guy is awesome.  Then again, so is Samuel L. Jackson and he starred in Snakes on a Plane and if he was in that, he will be in any piece of shit.
  • Red 2 - Alright, finally a sequel that I will endorse.  I loved the first movie and will definitely see the new one and suggest you do too.
"This is some of the concept art from the new Robocop and sadly, he looks more like Master Chief from Halo than he does Robocop.  It will probably suck.......a lot."

Monday, September 10, 2012

NOKW - Red

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Red

Basic Plot:  Bruce Willis is a retired special forces member/spy and he and his retired buddies are being hunted down by Richard Dreyfuss for some stupid reason, but this still ended up being a super entertaining movie.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that in one of the opening scenes in the movie, the bad guys fire over a thousand rounds of ammunition into Bruce Willis's house then Bruce has the time to pack and cut off all of the dead bad guys' fingers and the cops still have not shown up.  The fact that they depict Helen Mirren (who is really old and brittle) firing an uzi one-handed, which should easily break her wrist.  The fact that they kill only one member of the good guys and he just so happens to be the only black guy and that was Morgan Fucking Freeman.  The fact that John Malkovich shoots a rocket in the exact spot for it to explode and that explosion somehow goes backwards despite its momentum moving forward.  The fact that Richard Dreyfuss played a fairly convincing bad guy.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the vice president's service detail might be the worst bodyguards ever.  In the scene where Bruce Willis and pals kidnap the VP, their plan entails that they chain the one and only conventional door out of the VP's charity function and then fake a gas leak.  So, what happens when the Secret Service hears the screams?  They immediately grab the VP and head to the same door that everyone else is trying to escape from which is locked.  First off, why would they do that when they probably arrived through the back exit, you know, the same exit that they then go out of when they find the front door locked.  Wouldn't it make more sense to start at the back exit?  Absolutely.  Plus, when they do go out the back exit, their caravan is waiting for them, which is where they seemed to be waiting all along.  Then when they get attacked by a very large machine gun, the first thing they do is have everyone get out of the bulletproof cars.  That's smart.  In the end, the VP gets kidnapped and his security was probably fired the next day.  I am not okay with that (except for his security getting fired part).

"An old lady shooting a massive gun....sure, why not."

Sunday, September 9, 2012

NFL Game Day Video Surprise

Since it is the first official day of the NFL season (that Wednesday game doesn't count), Brainfart wanted to show you guys a hilarious video that will get you in the mood to watch some FOOOOTBAWL!!!!!  Enjoy.


Saturday, September 8, 2012

NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular

Because we here at Brainfart love us some football, we decided that we would not only be doing college football picks each week, but we would also be doing some NFL picks, too.  So, here is where I make my NAPS (NFL Awesome Picks Spectacular):

Picks are in red
All lines are provided by Sportsbook.ag

Atlanta Falcons at Kansas City Chiefs (+3)
Sunday 1:00

-Historically, playing at Arrowhead is one of the toughest places to play in the NFL.  There is a lot of hype behind the Falcons because they have great skill players, especially Julio Jones, Roddy White, Matt Ryan, and kind of Micheal Turner and Tony Gonzalez.  That is a lot of fire power and although the Falcons are good, the shine from those players blinds people to the boring lineman and defensive weaknesses.  I think the Chiefs can go run heavy, pound the Falcons, and win a close high scoring game.

Jacksonville Jaguars (+4) @ Minnesota Vikings
Sunday 1:00

-Why is Minnesota a favorite? Did they get a lot better than last year?  I don’t think so – they have a RB who hasn’t been hit since major knee surgery.  Jacksonville is not good but they got MJD back in at least a part-time role and they actually have a respectable receiving crew.  I like them to win outright in an ugly game that no one will watch.

Buffalo Bills @ New York Jets (Under 40.5 Points)
Sunday 1:00

-All signs in this game point to a grind it out, ball control game.  The biggest threat for scoring in this game is big defensive plays form either side.  As long as Fitzpatrick and Sanchez play the part of game manager, the winning team shouldn’t have more than 17 points.

Also, remember from my Wednesday post that I had Cowboys at Giants (-4).  Hopefully, that one turned out well. UPDATE: it didn't.  F-ing Romo.

"Who needs QBs and WRs when you have RBs?"

Friday, September 7, 2012

Stupid State Laws - Florida 5

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Florida

"You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers."

Why not?  What could have possibly motivated someone to pick up their phone or head downtown and have a chat with their local lawmaker in order to have this law made?  I cannot conceive of even one possible scenario in which someone would be so offended by some broken dishes that they would feel compelled to do something about it.....except for one possibility.  A dude and his wife get in a fight and his wife starts breaking dishes (b/c bitches be crazy) and the dude figures out a way he can win the fight and that is by getting his wife arrested for her heinous dish-breaking crime.  Other than that, this law is beyond stupid.

"Sorry honey, that's your fourth broken dish, I'm calling the cops even if you are wearing your sexy socks."

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 2


Picks in Bold
Rankings based on Coaches Poll
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

Miami Hurricanes (+7) @ #20 Kansas St. Wildcats
12:00

Penn St. Nittany Lions @ Virginia Cavaliers (-10)
12:00

#23 Florida Gators (+1.5) @ Texas A&M Aggies
3:30

Washington Huskies (+23.5) @ #3 LSU Tigers
7:00

#14 Nebraska Cornhuskers (-5.5) @ UCLA Bruins
7:30

#7 Georgia Bulldogs (-2) @ Missouri Tigers
7:45

-Holy crap, are there a lot of terrible games this weekend.  Not a single Top 25 match-up for us to watch and the two best games are SEC games that involve both of the newcomers into the conference, so who knows if even those games will be worth watching.  Seriously, the match-ups are so bad this week that I had to include the Penn State/Virginia game just so that I would have six games to pick (and I also picked that one b/c Penn State sucks and Virginia should cover easily).  Let's just say that if you enjoy college football but need to get some yard work done, then I give you permission to go mow the yard this Saturday, you won't be missing anything important.

As for last week, I finished 3-3 and frankly, I was happy about that, especially after watching how terribly wrong I got that Michigan pick.  This week, I guarantee a better outcome or your money back.

And finally, because I love watching ESPN's College GameDay and my favorite part of the show is to read all of the signs in the background, I decided I would try and pick out the funniest sign each week and share it with you guys.  I couldn't find a picture of this week's winner, but I did find a picture of another one that made me laugh.  So, enjoy this week's college football, even if it is probably going to suck hard.

The Funniest College GameDay Sign From Last Weekend Said:
Bama - 1
Tree - 0
(If you don't get that, then click here and you will understand why that sign probably shouldn't be funny but was hilarious if you can take a joke.)


Last Week's Results: 3-3
Season Results: 3-3

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Dessert Madness

Society has to stop the boutique dessert places.  They are everywhere.  All I hear about is the new hip pie place or the trendy food truck that serves cupcake balls.  They even opened a popcorn store near me...that is a chain!  Why wouldn't you take the two minutes to pop your plenty good 50 cent popcorn in your own home when you could drive ten minutes to pay five bucks for someone else's popcorn.

Remember when you ordered dessert in a damn restaurant?  Wasn't it nice to order dessert at the same place you ate at - not drive another 20 minutes to get even fatter?  Sure enough, every place I've been to has dessert and it doesn't suck at all.

And why do we need such frilly pastries and evening delights?  Did someone start a club that hates cheesecake and chocolate cake?  Those are delicious, sensible, easy.  If that doesn't suit you then just eat some candy.  When did a good ol' Hershey bar or Skittles take a dive?  Don't hurt our Americana foundation by whoring yourself out to the latest dessert craze, keep it simple stupids!

"This is the only way I will eat fruit for dessert."

***BONUS***
I have my first post for my weekly NFL picks set to debut Saturday but I could not resist to pick the game for the opener on Wednesday.  Enjoy the preview:

Cowboys at Giants -3.5
Wednesday 8:30

-Remember the Super Bowl last year?  Me either!  Turns out the Giants won crowning them best team in the NFL.  They are very good on offense with a solid QB, good RBs, and great WRs, but their strength is their defensive line.  This week some talking heads proclaimed them a Top 10 All-Time D-line.  I don't think I'm prepared to go there but the point is a good one.  Just so happens Dallas' main weakness last year (and especially this preseason) is terrible offensive line play.  The Giant's ends will be closer to Romo than his own running back, DeMarco Murray, and they will be wreaking havoc and causing turnovers.  I don't expect the Giants to crush them but a solid double digit win should be in the cards.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

NFL Preview

Just like we did with college football, we here at Brainfart thought it should be our duty to give you guys our predictions for the upcoming NFL season.  Did I say predictions?  I meant, we are going to show you the future.  Let's do this:


SamboAlexatgt
AFC NorthCincinnatiBaltimore
AFC EastNew EnglandNew England
AFC SouthHoustonHouston
AFC WestDenverSan Diego
Wildcard #1BaltimoreTennessee
Wildcard #2BuffaloBuffalo



NFC North Green BayGreen Bay
NFC East DallasNew York
NFC South AtlantaAtlanta
NFC West San FranciscoSan Fransisco
Wildcard #1 New OrleansDetroit
Wildcard #2 New YorkPhiladelphia



Super Bowl WinnerGreen BayNew England




Awards
MVPAaron RodgersTom Brady
Def. POYDeMarcus Ware
Jason Pierre-Paul
Off. ROYDoug MartinAndrew Luck
Def. ROYQuinton CouplesMelvin Ingram

"Foooootbawl!!!!!"