Movie Sequels, Prequels, and More - Comic Book Edition

Here comes another edition of one of my favorite posts, Movie Sequels, Prequels, and More.  Basically, I love making these lists because it shows how unoriginal Hollywood has become and how few ideas they have anymore.  This time I will only be covering the next batch of comic book movies in the pipe.  Let's do this:

• Aquaman - Didn't they already make this one?  It starred Vinnie Chase and was directed by James Cameron.  Oh wait, that was on Entourage.  Well, the good news is that this movie can't be any more stupid than the fake version.
• Black Panther - I actually had to look up who in the hell this guy is and guess what, he is ridiculously stupid.  He is the chieftain of something called the "Wakandan Panther Clan", on top of that he is also a skilled hunter, tracker, strategist, politician, inventor, and scientist.  For some reason it is set to come out next summer despite having no star or director lined up.
• Doctor Strange - Growing up, this was fellow Brainfart contributor Alex's favorite comic book.  Who is Doctor Strange?  I still don't know but I do know Alex might finally go see a comic book movie while it is in the theater.
• Ant-Man - I don't know what is more ridiculous, that a movie about a "superhero" that has the ability to control insects is being made or that Edgar Wright, the director of Shaun of the Dead will be taking the helm for this thing.  Total coin flip.
• Guardians of the Galaxy - Not only is this movie set to release in 2015, but one of the characters is a gun-wielding racoon named Rocket Racoon.  I'm not kidding.  However, you know this movie will probably be better than Adam Sandler's next turd, Grown Ups 2.
• Justice League - This one is supposed to come out in 2015 and unless Christian Bale is playing Batman, then don't bother.....unless Adam West reprieves his role, then it just might be awesome.
• Deadpool - Yup, they are doing a movie with the character Ryan Reynolds played in that Wolverine movie.  Making this even more ridiculous is that Ryan Reynolds is already signed up meaning he will still be the only actor to have played three comic book characters (Green Lantern, Deadpool, and Hannibal King)
• The Flash - It's actually about time they made a movie about this guy.  I know that The Flash isn't the most popular superhero, but a movie about him can't be any worse that that piece of shit Green Lantern movie......right?
• Luke Cage - The only thing I know about Luke Cage is that when Nicolas Cage picked a stage name, he decided to use this character's last name instead of his own because he wanted to separate himself from his more famous uncle, Francis Ford Coppola.
• Nick Fury - You got it, Samuel L. Jackson is getting his own movie based on his character from The Avengers.  However, did you know they already made a movie based on Nick Fury?  It was a shitty TV movie starring David Hasselhoff.
• Wonder Woman - After they failed to remake this into a TV series a couple years ago, what makes them think that anyone will go see a movie about the same character?
• X-Men 5 - This is the sequel to the prequel in the X-Men series starring Oscar Winner Jennifer Lawrence and is set to come out next summer.  Is it necessary?  Nah, but Peter Dinklage (Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones) will be in it, so maybe I will go see it.  Then again, I just read that the plot revolves around Kitty Pryde sending her brain back in time....what?!?

"Yup, this guy is getting his own movie for some reason."

NOKW - Watchmen

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Watchmen

Basic Plot:  The graphic novel of the same name is brought to the big screen showing a world where Nixon is still president (kind of like Futurama) in the 80's and costumed vigilantes are considered normal.  Also, there is a blue guy who has blue dong.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that the blue guy, Dr. Manhattan, is not like a god but is literally god, he can grow in size, split into numerous copies of himself with each individual being able to operate on its own, take apart and destroy things with his mind, superhuman strength, teleportation, telekinesis, and he lives in the past, present, and future all at the same time, in other words, he is what you would picture god to be.  The fact that Rorschach's color-shifting mask is never explained.  The fact that the Nite Owl's flying spaceship-like thing defies all logic.  The fact that Silk Spectre's costume is the most uncomfortable looking thing ever (not that I'm complaining).  The fact that Ozymandias is considered the smartest man in the world but leaves the password to his computer on his desk.  The fact that the movie followed the graphic novel fairly accurately except for the big reveal at the end of the movie.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Ozymandias's plan to unite the world and stave off nuclear war revolved around  blocking Dr. Manhattan's god powers so that the doc couldn't see what he was doing, but when he finally found out about it, he was okay with it.  So, basically Ozymandias could have just gone straight to Dr. Manhattan from the start and told him what he was doing and then Ozy wouldn't have had to secretly give people cancer and hide everything from the blue doctor and a lot of this whole mess could have been avoided.  The only problem with his plan was that a couple of the main characters wouldn't have been cool with it, but the only one that could have stopped him was perfectly fine with it and saw the logic behind uniting the world against him in order to stop the world from killing itself.  In other words, he could have just told Dr. Manhattan and saved quite a few people's lives.  Hell, the glowing doctor could have even helped Ozymandias with his plan and Ozy wouldn't have had to murder The Comedian which got Rorschach, Nite Owl, and Silk Spectre involved and everyone wouldn't have known a thing about the plan which was what Ozy was trying to do in the first place.  I am not okay with.

"Can you even consider yourself a costumed hero when the guy standing next to you can make you explode?  Yeah, Dr. Manhattan actually does make someone explode at one point."

Stupid State Laws - Oklahoma 4

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Oklahoma

"People who make 'ugly faces' at dogs may be fined and/or jailed."

What the hell Oklahoma?  You are full of stupid laws.  As for this one, why the hell not?  For that matter, what constitutes an 'ugly face'?  I know what a silly face is, but I'm not exactly clear on what an ugly face is.  If I stick my tongue out at a dog, will I get arrested?  And who decides if someone is fined and/or jailed, let alone what degree of an 'ugly face' does someone have to make to deserve to be jailed?  It's not like you are going to hurt a dog's feelings if you make an ugly face at it (I tested this hypothesis on my dog and she seemed okay with my making faces at her).  Oklahoma, you cease to amaze me.

"Notice that this law doesn't say anything about dogs making ugly faces at people."

Worst Seats in Sports

I've been meaning to write about this one for quite some time, but I kept forgetting.  Plus it's always a good thing to write something about football whenever possible, so I felt it was still relevant, on top of the fact that the NFL Draft is currently going on, so why not?

When you go to a sporting event, getting as close to the action as possible is generally the way to go.  You can see the players up close and watch them pick their nose if you want to or you could watch a player break his leg so horrendously that the bone is sticking out.  However, there comes a point where getting too close can really hamper your viewing experience, which brings us to the worst seats in sports - The Dallas Cowboys Field-Level Suites.

In case you didn't watch that video, here is a picture of the seats I'm referring to:

Yeah, when I say these seats are field-level, I mean that your view of the field is from only a couple feet above it.  These seats are literally right behind the sidelines and the best view of the action is of players scratching their butts.  These seats cost between $16,000 and $50,000 just for the right to purchase a ticket and than an additional $340 per seat per game.  Why would anyone think that these seats are worth that much?  You can't even see the game which was the whole point of showing up in the first place.  In the old Detroit Tigers' Stadium, they had seats that were right behind large support beams, but at least you could just lean over and still see the game being played.  These Cowboys field-level suites have no such luxury.  If you want to watch the action, you have to watch one of the suite's TVs which is something you could have done from home for a helluva lot lost money.  Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is one smart guy if he not only thought to create these terrible seats but was also was able to sell them to unsuspecting fans who thought "field-level" meant something completely different than not being able to see over the opponent's bench.

Jeopardy!

Imagine you competed on Jeopardy! and the only episode you were on will be airing tonight (let's also assume that you lost in Final Jeopardy! because the question had something to do with Shakespeare and you don't know anything about that dude and his boring plays and that's why you lost).  So, you set up a viewing party with a couple of friends, you send out a message on Facebook so that all of those jerks from high school will see how smart you are, and you are pretty excited about watching yourself in action.  It's 7:29, you flip over to your local station that broadcasts the show and BAM!, you find out that they will not be airing your episode tonight because the national news will be interrupting Jeopardy! with their 4th straight hour of the same updates about the Boston Bombing.

That's what happened last Friday.  Except that I wasn't on Jeopardy!, but we have to assume that this exact scenario happened to somebody.  That episode of the show will never be seen unless you happen to catch a rerun of it on the Game Show Network in five years or there is some way to watch it online.  How pissed would you be?  Now don't get me wrong, what happened in Boston was terrible and I'm glad they caught the two guys they think did the crime, but when they interrupt Jeopardy! to show the exact same coverage they have been showing for the past few hours seems kind of pointless to me.  How many times can they say that they have shutdown a part of Boston and are still looking for the suspect?  It's not like this was breaking news by the time Jeopardy! would have come on.  The shutdown of Boston had been effect since late the night before.  And on top of that, the network channels weren't the only ones to interrupt regularly scheduled programs to show non-breaking news.  ESPN was showing the same three clips of the bombing for three straight hours instead of broadcasting a baseball game like they should have.

Like I said, I feel terrible for all of the victims of the bombing, but if you want to see the same exact coverage of the bombing you can always just go to CNN, you know, a channel that was created for this exact reason. And to get one last thing off my chest, I really wish the news would stop showing depressing stories every night.  Why can't they show more stuff that wouldn't make a great concept for another terrible reality show?  Damn you, reality TV!

"Suck it, Trebek!"

Random Movie Trivia - The Princess Bride

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

The Princess Bride

• Director Rob Reiner had to leave the set during Billy Crystal's scenes because he laughed so hard that he felt nauseated.  In fact, Mandy Patinkin (Inigo Montoya) claimed the only injury he suffered during filming was bruised ribs due to laughing so hard at Billy Crystal.
• During filming, Andre the Giant was suffering severe back problems and even though his character had super-human strength, he never actually lifted anything heavy and ropes had to be used to prevent him any pain.
• In the scene where Count Rugen (Christopher Guest), aka The Six-Fingered Man, hits Westley (Cary Elwes) over the head, Elwes told him to really hit him.  However, when Guest really hit him, they had to shut down production for a day because Elwes ended up in the hospital.
• The movie is based off the book by William Goldman and when he first tried getting it made into a movie, he wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger to play the part of Fezzik.  When the movie was finally made, Arnold was too big of a star and too expensive to cast.
• During the scene where Princess Buttercup's dress catches on fire in the Fire Swamp, writer William Goldman got so caught up by the scene that he yelled out "Her dress is on fire!" which ruined the take.
• The giant rats in the Fire Swamp were actually actors in "rat suits".  On the day that Westley was supposed to battle the giant rats, one of the actors playing a rat got arrested for speeding and had to be bailed out of jail so they could start filming.
• The baseball video game that Fred Savage is playing at the beginning was Hardball.  Remember that one?  Also, Fred Savage had a poster of William "The Refrigerator" Perry on his wall.  That guy was awesome.
• Cary Elwes and Mandy Patinkin performed all of the sword fighting themselves after a lot training and the only time a stunt double was used was for the elaborate flip in their big duel.
• There really was a "Dread Pirate Roberts" (Bartholomew Roberts, known as Black Bart) who roamed the seas in the 18th century and was considered the most successful pirate ever.
• Uma Thurman auditioned for the role of Buttercup.  Also, Whoopi Goldberg campaigned for the same role.  Ha.

"Does anybody wanna peanut?"

Mierda Marlins

Note: Mierda is 'shit' in Spanish.

We all knew after the sell-off that the Miami Marlins would be bad.  Really bad.  Now that that is coming true, let's do some analysis (stats through Monday):

• The Marlins are last in baseball in run differential (-46). The next worst team is 6 runs better and the third worst team is 17 runs better.  Doing the math they are on average losing every game by 2.5 runs.
• They are 4-15, worst record in baseball.  If they keep it up that translates to a 35-127 season.
• They have scored 43 runs this season - that is 18 runs worse than the next lowest team.  That is over a run a game worse than the second worst team in baseball!
• They have a .212 batting average, 12 points under the second worst team.  They have one player hitting over .238.
• They are slugging .268!!  That is unbelievable!  They are 68 points behind the second worst team.
• They have the fourth worst ERA in baseball.
• Through 19 games they are 9.5 games back.
• Their RBI leader has 9 RBIs.  87 players in baseball have 9 or more RBIs.
• Their best and only good player, Giancarlo Stanton, has zero home runs and one RBI.  332 players in baseball have more RBIs than Stanton.  The most at-bats a pitcher has is 11 so far this year. Given that, there are still 5 pitchers with one home run and 19 pitchers with at least one RBI.

Yikes.  It is going to be a long and scary season that no one will watch.  The all-time record for losses in the modern era is 119; the Miami Marlins have that in their sights as well as several other records for offensive ineptitude.

"Aios Mios!"

Top Ten Worst Comic Book Movies

The past three weeks I composed a list of the best comic book-based movies, this week we are going the opposite and funnier direction with the worst of the comic book movies.  Let the games begin:

10) Catwoman - This would have been higher on the list if Catwoman was played by anyone other than Halle Berry.  The story was ridiculous and the fact that they made Catwoman more cat than woman just made the whole movie stupid.
9) Spider-Man 3 - The third installment of the Sam Raimi franchise was a big tub of unnecessary and its biggest downfall was trying to make us believe that Topher Grace could play a villain....that and emo Peter Parker.
8) Daredevil - I vaguely remember seeing this movie and thinking "a blind superhero?  That's just silly" and flipping the channel to something equally as stupid, like The Powerpuff Girls.
7) Superman IV: The Quest for Peace - This was the one where Lex Luthor makes an evil clone of Superman or something.  And it may or may not have been worse than the Richard Pryor Superman, but at least everyone remember that one because it was mentioned in Office Space.
6) Ghost Rider - At no point did this movie make any sense starting with the casting of Nicholas Cage, who must have been cast because of his amazing ability to look constipated while turning into the Rider.
5) Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance - I still don't know how Nick Cage convinced a movie studio to make this piece of shit sequel after the first piece of shit was so shitty.  Plus, pissing fire?  Really?
4) The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Did anybody actually see this movie?  Such a cool concept with all of those interesting historical literary characters in it, but they botched it hard.
3) Jonah Hex - I feel bad for Josh Brolin and John Malkovich because they are great actors, but no movie should cast Megan Fox and think their movie will be taken seriously.
2) Green Lantern - What's more shocking - that they thought a movie with a giant CGI space chicken would earn back its massive budget?  Or that they are seriously in talks about making a sequel?  That truly is a toss-up.
1) Batman & Robin - Holy Piece of Shit, Batman!  The WORST comic book movie ever made is easily this turd.  All you need to do is read this and that should clear things up as to why.

"Judging by the looks on these guys' faces, only one of them looks like they are taking it seriously."

NOKW - MIB 3

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Men in Black 3

Basic Plot:  The unnecessary sequel in the Men in Black franchise.  This time J goes back in time in order to reverse the death of his partner K at the hands of Boris the Animal....I think.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that only one movie has ever successfully pulled off a movie about time travel that didn't contradict itself at every turn, and that movie was not this one, it was Austin Powers.  The fact that the moon guards at the beginning of the movie should have just killed Boris the Animal as soon as they saw him trying to break out of prison instead of just waiting for him to escape.  The fact that whenever an MIB agent uses one of those flashy thingys they always wear sunglasses even though the flashy thing does not flash in their direction.  The fact that Boris the Animal seems to have an endless supply of those killer dart things.  The fact that Josh Brolin literally could be a younger Tommy Lee Jones.  The fact that we know K was a nice guy before the events at Cape Canaveral and became a hardass because of the secret he kept from J about the death of his father and that if J now knows, does that mean K will no longer be the hardass that made him the most feared MIB agent ever?  The fact that there are so many plot holes in this movie that I will spare you them all except the next one.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that this whole thing could have been avoided had J and K thought to ask one of the many aliens at MIB Headquarters to take the ArcNet up to space for them instead of going to Florida where the bad guy was waiting to ambush them.  In case you haven't seen this movie, the whole plot revolved around getting something called the "ArcNet" into space so that it could protect the Earth from Boris the Animal and his evil alien buddies.  Originally, K puts the ArcNet on a Apollo 11 that leaves from Cape Canaveral and he also shoots off Boris's arm and arrests him which is why Boris is determined to go back in time and kill K.  In the future, Boris escapes from jail, goes back in time, and kills K as he attempts to put the ArcNet on the space shuttle.  J then has to go back in time and save K and also succeed in deploying the ArcNet.  However, J knows that K will be killed at Cape Canaveral.  Also, we know that MIB was created solely for the purpose of handling aliens who show up on Earth.  So, then why in the hell didn't J just ask any one of the hundreds of aliens hanging out at MIB to put the ArcNet on any one of their UFOs that they have sitting around?  That would have easily solved all of their problems.  And it's not like they didn't get the ArcNet when they got to Florida, the alien who made it handed to them while they were still in New York.  I am not okay with that.

"No caption needed."

Stupid State Laws - Oklahoma 3

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Oklahoma

"Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car."

Now this one is beyond stupid.....until you really dig dip behind the meaning of such a law.  Who would you say make up the majority of lawmakers?  The answer is men.  And what is one of the most annoying traits of a woman that men can't stand?  The answer is crying.  Therefore, I think this was the first step in an elaborate scheme to outlaw women from crying.  It probably would have worked to but I'm sure a woman found out about it and started crying and some dude broke down and let her have her way and the whole plan fell apart.  Damn women and their crying.  But good try, Oklahoma, we commend you on your effort.

"We all know what this law is really about."

My Current Favorite Baseball Player

In honor of the stoner holiday 4/20, I present you with my current favorite baseball player:

That is the Oakland Athletic's Josh Reddick.  Just look at that majestic beard and flowing mane.  Honestly, that look is amazing, but I don't know how he could possibly stand playing baseball with so much hair.  It has to itch like crazy and that isn't something you want to have to think about while a Latin guy is throwing a small hard baseball at you at 100 mph.  Anyways, if I was to pick the Major League baseball player to represent the smoky of holidays, it would be Josh Reddick.  That's all I've got for you today, go back to your bong, Cheetos, and one hundredth viewing of Half Baked and enjoy 4/20.

The NBA Playoffs

Here is my annual reminder that the NBA Playoffs start tomorrow and those bastards are sooooooo long.  I just wanted to let you know so that when you say to yourself three months from now, "Holy Shit!  Are the NBA Playoffs still going on?!?  Didn't they start back in April?  How long are these damn things?", you can think back to today and say to yourself, "Oh yeah, Brainfart already let me know that the NBA Playoffs are unnecessarily long and that I shouldn't be surprised that they are STILL going on.  Thanks, Brainfart".  Well, you are welcome in advance, dear reader.

"Did you know Kobe Bryant gave himself the nickname 'Black Mamba'?  Who gives them self a nickname?  Especially a nickname that was used in Kill Bill?"

Random Movie Trivia - Animal House Part 2

Because Animal House was so full of fun trivia, I decided to split this movie's trivia into two posts.  So, here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Animal House Part 2

• To get the role of Neidermeyer, Mark Metcalf lied about his ability to ride a horse.  After getting the part, he immediately signed up for horse-ridding lessons.
• The hole Bluto makes in the wall with that guitar was the only actually damage made to the fraternity house during filming.  Instead of having it fixed, the fraternity put up a plaque commemorating it.
• Harold Ramis, who co-wrote the screenplay, based some of the pranks off of real-life experiences, specifically the scene where Boone and Otter are hitting golf balls at ROTC.
• In the scene where Donald Sutherland is seen bearing his butt, that came about because the coed he was sleeping with (Karen Allen) was reluctant to go nude but Sutherland said he would do it too and she thought that was so sweet that she agreed to follow (birthday) suit.
• To prepare for the roles of Delta members, the actors (except John Belushi who was in New York) attended a fraternity party at the SAE house at Oregon.  The real fraternity members didn't enjoy the actors being there and a brawl ensued.  When Belushi found out, he had to be physically restrained from getting revenge.
• Pretty much the entire cafeteria scene with John Belushi was improvised.  He wasn't told to pile food on his tray, but when he started doing it the director just stuck with it.  The "zit" incident was also completely improvised and the reaction from the actors is genuine.
• The scene where Bluto smashes a bottle over his head to cheer Flounder up took 18 takes because the actor playing Flounder (Stephen Furst) kept laughing.
• The parade scene was filmed on the same lot as the clock tower scene from Back to the Future and the director had to make sure none of the camera angles including a shot of the clock tower.
• DeWayne Jessie's performance as Otis Day was so successful that he changed his name to Otis Day and toured as "Otis Day and the Knights".
• Universal president Ned Tanen protested the road trip scene to an African-American bar because he thought it would cause race riots during screenings.  When director John Landis showed the movie to Richard Pryor, Pryor wrote a note to Tanen that said "Ned, Animal House is fucking funny and white people are crazy. -Richard".
• A sequel was planned to be set in the summer of 1969 where the fraternity would reunite for Otter's wedding, but after the sequel to American Graffiti bombed, the movie was scrapped.

"Wait, what?  Satan?"

Dunk It! (Not NBA related)

So it has been a really really long time since I had a Double Stuf Oreo.  They are incredible!  It did lead me to think - is it really only double the stuffing?  It tastes like way way more.  A typical Oreo is mostly good cookie with just a hint of delicious middle.  The icing is largely overshadowed by the cookie.  Most people want to taste the middle on their own which is why they twist it and lick it first, much like we all did on prom night. With a Double Stuf, you taste majority icing with some cookie crunch - a perfect combination.  I am not sure about the measurements but to me the Double Stuf tastes like closer to triple the normal amount of icing which is amazing.

To me, Oreo has nailed it with the Double Stuf, but this is America so you have to go big or go home.  Introducing, the Mega Stuf!  Oreo probably ruined it with this one but I can't help but applaud the effort.

"The left one is Double Stuf, the right one is Mega Stuf. Single tear."

"They do exist!"

Top Ten Comic Book Movies Part 3

Last week, we knocked out the first half of our Top Ten List.  So, this week we will be finishing it up.  Stay tuned to next week when we do the Top Ten Worst Comic Book Movies.  Let the games begin:

• 5) Superman 2 - the original Superman was too slow and the whole "turn back time by flying around the Earth really fast" thing was pretty stupid, the third Superman movie wasn't even technically a Superman movie but a Richard Pryor movie with Superman in it, the fourth should never be mentioned, and the most recent reboot isn't really worth anyone's time.  This one was just right.
• 4) The Dark Knight Rises - I know a couple of you are saying, "How could you rank this one above The Dark Knight?".  Well, it's simple.  I thought it was better.  Sure, Heath Ledger's Joker was a better villain than Bane, but in terms of a better match against Batman, Bane was pretty terrifying.  On top of that, both plots were fairly ridiculous, but at least this one wasn't nearly as far-fetched as what The Joker had to do just to pull his off.  In the end, it really did come down to me hating Maggie Gyllenhaal that much.
• 3) Iron Man - the first chapter in the Iron Man series was perfect.  You had a superhero who was easy to identify with (other than the being super rich part and having a super suit that could fly), the movie followed the comic book origin story fairly accurately, and it didn't have a super long run-time like some comic book movies.  This movie proved that all comic book movies didn't have to be gritty and I think that set the stage for the current crop of movies coming out now.
• 2) Batman Begins - out of the Christopher Nolan Dark Knight Trilogy, this is the only one that I always find myself re-watching the most.  I thought Nolan's ability to show the origin in a non-linear format made for great pacing and when it actually came down to Batman being Batman, he nailed it.  You could say that the villains were not as good as the next two movies, but the overall movie was better and that is why I picked it this high.
• 1) Spider-Man 2 - while this movie will not go down as one of the greatest movies of all-time, it definitely was the best comic book movie of all-time.  We didn't have to go through Peter Parker's awkward high school faze in this movie and that made it more tolerable to see Tobey Maguire's weird face.  And Doctor Octopus was incredible in this movie and it is a shame that Alfred Molina hasn't gotten more work because of this role.  As a whole, this film was perfect when it comes to making a comic book movie and that is why it won the top spot.

"Is it just me or has Joel McHale grown a lot of hair since his part in Spider-Man 2?"

NOKW - The Usual Suspects

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Usual Suspects

Basic Plot:  Verbal Kent tells the cops a story about a heist that turns out to be pretty much total bullshit and he (spoiler alert) was the guy they are looking for the whole time.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that because everything Verbal Kent was a fabrication, we don't actually know if any his story was true.  The fact that Keyser Soze has the kind of clout to get that whole crew into a lineup at the beginning of the movie for no real reason.  The fact that Keaton or any of the others would have trusted Verbal Kent when they most likely had never seen or heard of him before the police line-up.  The fact that I haven't seen this movie in awhile, so let's just skip to the part I'm not okay with.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the whole reason Keyser Soze came out of hiding and hatched this crazy plan was to kill a guy who knew what he looked like only to show his face to the entire police department.  That makes no damn sense.  By the end of the movie, we know that Verbal Kent is Keyser Soze and we know that he met up with Dean Keaton and the other lowlifes so that he could have them pull a heist that resulted in the death of some foreign guy who was killed in order to hide his identity.  And we know that the cops figure out who Verbal Kent really is at the very end.  Soze's whole scheme resulted in the death of one guy who knew what he looked like and that guy really was in no state to do anything to him.  And that same scheme also resulted in the authorities not only finding out about the legend of Keyser Soze, but also finding out what he looks like and they have the resources to actually do something about it.  In other words, Soze is actually in way worse shape then when he began.  I am not okay with that.

"Yup, this guy is definitely more screwed now than he thinks."

Stupid State Laws - Oklahoma 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Oklahoma

"It is against the law to read a comic book wile operating a motor vehicle."

Strike another one up to common sense.  My favorite part about this stupid law is that it specifically says that you can't read a comic book while driving, but it doesn't say anything about reading a newspaper or a book or a Playboy.  I guess that means it is perfectly fine to read the articles of said porno without any repercussions from Johnny Law.  The big question here is - how big of a nerd did some guy have to be that he couldn't put off reading his comic book for 20 minutes and make it home safely that caused him to get into a wreck, blamed it on reading his comic, and some idiot had to make it a law to forbid from it happening in the future?  Geez, there are some stupid people out there.

"We can only assume the pilot was reading a comic book, too.  How else do you explain the plane crashing on Lost?  Oh yeah."

Why The World is Dumber

Is it just me or is the world getting dumber?  How else do you explain the existence of Honey Boo-Boo and idiots cowardly shooting up a movie theater?  Well, I think I have found a direct correlation between the world getting dumber and recent world events.  That would be that there have been no world wars in recent memory.  Yup, the lack of worldwide conflict is the reason we as humans are getting dumber as a whole.

You see, what is the biggest downside to a large war?  Massive casualties.  And what section of the population suffers the most from said casualties?  Dumb people.  Basically, a war is able to apply the largest rule of nature - survival of the fittest.  War strategy dictates that the smart strategist send waves of their soldiers to front line.  And the front line is generally composed of the lowest (dumbest) ranked soldiers.  The front line then always suffers the biggest casualties because those guys are either too dumb to figure out how to survive or too stupid to realize that running at a machine gun nest is not the smartest thing to do with your life.  Sure, not all of the front line guys are idiots and that even the smarter soldiers don't live, but that has more to do with bad luck rather than stupidity.  And yes, today's wars are fought behind computer screens hundreds of miles away, but that is exactly the point.  No one is dying and therefore the survival of the fittest cannot occur.

Don't get me wrong, senseless death is not what I'm advocating, I'm just trying to point out that I think there is a correlation between the rise of reality TV, Big Gulps, and The Darwin Awards and the decrease in wartime casualties.  It's either that or we need to take the remote control away from women so that they will stop watching and contributing ratings to all the trash that is on TV.  And this time, I am definitely saying that it is women's fault, men don't go out of their way to watch Duck Dynasty.

"This picture pretty much wraps up my whole argument in a mullet-shell."

Movie Spoiler Alert....Maybe

I have one of those random HD channels that seems to have programming specifically designed for nothing other than to say they have HD programming even if those shows suck balls.  However, there is one show on this channel that I watch all the time and that show is called "Nothing But Trailers".  Basically, the title of the show is pretty self-explanatory and is nothing but movie trailers and considering movie trailers are usually my favorite part about going to the theater, I love this show.

Anyways, I was watching Nothing But Trailers this week and they were showing the trailer for Tom Cruise's next turd, Oblivion.  While watching this trailer, I came to the conclusion that the movie producers gave away too much info and I already figured out the big plot twist.  Here is said trailer:

If you didn't watch that video, the basic plot of this movie is that Earth was invaded, humans won the war, but messed up the planet pretty bad and the population was evacuated.  Meanwhile Tom Cruise and some lady are left on Earth to help clean up the planet for when people finally come back.  At least, that's what I got out of that trailer.

Anyways, I think they gave away too much info and I think I know how this movie ends.  If anyone actually goes to see this thing, don't bother, here is what is probably going to happen.  The aliens actually won the war and unknowingly, Tom Cruise is helping them clean up the planet and killing the last of the humans for the aliens.  Why the aliens haven't come down themselves, I don't know, but that's unimportant.  Tom Cruise finally figures out that the humans are living underground when Morgan Freeman abducts him and when Tom goes to tell his partner, she doesn't believe him and the aliens now have to take him down.  There you go, you no longer have to go see this movie because I already figured out the big plot twist for you....not that you were going to see it anyways.

What If Tournament

Time for a crazy hypothetical - what if you took a double-digit seeded team from this year's NCAA tourney and put an NBA All-Star on their team?  How far would they go?

For the terms of this discussion (in which only I will talk) let's exclude LeBron because if you put him on any Division 1 team I think you have a good argument that he could win it all.  Let's also say the All-Star is relatively still in his prime, for example Chris Bosh right this second would be placed on Montana (who was a 13 seed).

Montana is in the Big Sky conference. The best team they played before the tournament was San Diego State and they lost.  They are obviously an OK team since they did at least win their terrible conference   Enter Chris Bosh.  I think he will raise their rebounding which was ranked 303rd!  They averaged 31 rebounds a game - Chris Bosh equals that.   Montana is a very efficient team with the 23rd best field goal percentage in basketball which Bosh will only add to. Now there are a lot of NBA level talents in the tournament, but no one being talked about being able to compare to Bosh, even when they reach their potential.

Based on this year's tournament, the first game would be one of the hardest against Syracuse. Their zone suffocated Montana and ended up in a 47 point win for the Orange.  Based on their 20% shooting percentage including 4-31 from 3; I would say they were a tiny bit nervous.  Having Bosh would definitely help settle that.  It would also help that Syracuse would have to collapse their zone on Bosh opening up their shooters.  Having a great big man or sharp shooters is the key to beating a zone and Bosh can do that. Montana squeaks by in a close one.

Next up would be Cal who finished fourth in the Pac-12.  Bosh and company dominates, wins by 20.

Indiana is next.  Indiana has some good talent but never got it going in the tournament.  Zeller is a good college player but going up against Bosh would be like Bosh versus Tyler Hansborough in the NBA - no match.  Indiana's other players could do some damage but I think having Zeller would give the Hoosiers false hope that he could control Bosh which would lead to Bosh's 20 point, 20 rebound effort in a 5 point win.

Up next is Marquette.  Marquette has some very good players but their weakness is that they cannot shoot that well.  They make up for it by getting great penetration but that comes to a screeching halt with Bosh lurking in the middle.  Those layups turn into short contested jumpers at best and dealing with Bosh on defense gets a lot of the Golden Eagles into foul trouble.  I could see this game getting out of control early.  Montana wins by 12.

Now it gets harder with Michigan.  This is a tough match-up because Michigan's guards are just so much better that Montana's.  Bosh might get into foul trouble here with everyone blowing by the defense into the lane.  This game becomes a classic scoring battle between Michigan's guards on one side and Bosh on the other.  I would probably take Michigan here in a tight one to end the run. Still a solid run.

To sum it up if you take a current NBA-All Star and drop them on almost any NCAA tournament team, you can make a solid argument for them getting to the Final Four or even cutting down the nets - especially this year where there was not dominate team and no dominate players.

"That's right - they're the Grizzlies. Bet you didn't know that."

Random Movie Trivia - Animal House

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Animal House

• The movie was set to be filmed at the University of Missouri until the school president read the script and refused permission.  It was eventually filmed at the University of Oregon only because Oregon's school president didn't know how to read screenplays and didn't bother trying before agreeing for the go-ahead.
• This has nothing to do with the movie, but I stumbled upon it the other day.  James Widdoes (the actor who played Hoover) has gone on to be director, specifically, he has directed over 100 episodes of Two and a Half Men.
• Virtually unheard of before the film came out, "Toga Parties" became a huge hit after the release.
• Donald Sutherland was offered a percentage of the gross box office to be in this movie or a flat fee of 75 grand.  He was convinced the movie would bomb and took the flat fee.  Needless to say, he missed out on a couple extra million.
• The interior of the Delta house was a real Sigma Nu fraternity house and the exterior shots were of a dilapidated house that was torn down in the 80's.  Oddly enough, all exterior shots of the sorority house were from the same Sigma Nu house used for Delta's interior.
• The original choices for the parts of Boon and Otter were Bill Murray and Chevy Chase, but they were unable to do it because of prior commitments (plus they hate each other).
• Also, the role of D-Day was written for Dan Aykroyd but Lorne Michaels threatened to fire him if he took the role.
• In case John Belushi couldn't play the part of Bluto, Meat Loaf was set to step in.
• The fictional Faber College's mascot was the Mongols, there apparently is a brand of pencil called Faber Mongols.
• The name of the Delta fraternity changes names during the movie.  At the beginning, it was called Delta Chi Tau and is later called Delta Tau Chi.
• In the Student Court Scene, a list of Delta members is written on the board.  Included on that list was the name "Dick Hertz", also they list the members' year of graduation and beside Bluto's name it said "'60, '61, '62, and '63".
• In the original script, Flounder was asked to name one of Pinto's secrets and he says "He's got spots on his weenie!".  And that is how Pinto got his nickname, "cause you got a spotted dong!"
• To be continued.....

"I still own this poster."

Top Ten Comic Book Movies Part 2

Last week, we started our Top Ten Comic Book Movies List with the flicks that didn't quite make the cut.  This week we are going to get into the meat of the list and count down movies 6 through 10.  Let's do this:

• 10) The Avengers - I know, it seems kind of premature to be putting this movie on a Top 10 list so soon after its release, but I really thought Joss Whedon did an incredible job with such a tough concept to pull off on film.  It probably helped that the actors playing all of those superheros ended up forming a tight group off-camera and the feel on set was always playful and fun, which carried-over to the movie itself.
• 9) V for Vendetta - an extremely underrated movie even if it was the first movie the Wachowski's had anything to do with after The Matrix Trilogy.  Hugo Weaving was awesome as the anarchist V and Natalie Portman did a pretty good job despite her terrible British accent.  Like I said, I feel like this movie was under-appreciated and deserves more praise than it received.
• 8) Batman Returns - while the first Tim Burton Batman starring Jack Nicholson as The Joker was great, this one was better in my book.  It had a still-in-her-prime Michelle Pfeiffer in tight leather, it had the perfect actor to play The Penguin, it had Christopher Walken doing what Christopher Walken does, and it had the perfect amount of comic book world mixed in with reality.  Plus it was definitely better than the two sequels that came out immediately after it.
• 7) X2 - they unleashed Wolverine in this a little more than in the original and I think that helped.  Plus the opening scene of Nightcrawler infiltrating the White House was incredible.  Of the five or how ever many X-Men movies there are, this one was definitely the best and the only one that will be making this list.
• 6) The Dark Knight - what, The Dark Knight isn't in the top 5, Sambo?  No it is not and I have two words for you - Maggie Gyllenhaal.  She was so terrible in this movie that I am still convinced she is the reason that the film didn't receive any sort of Oscar buzz (other than Heath Ledger of course).  Go back and watch The Dark Knight.  It is still a great movie, but it is probably about 20 to 30 minutes too long and having to watch Maggie Gyllenhaal butcher the part of Rachel Dawes knocked it out of the Top 5 for me.

"It still makes me laugh picturing Elrond/Agent Smith under that mask."

NOKW - Looper

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Looper

Basic Plot:  Good question.  It's about time travel and the mob and assassins and mob assassins.  That should probably about wrap it up.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Joseph Gordon-Levitt couldn't look any less like a young Bruce Willis and that 'make-up' they used didn't help.  The fact that we know time travel is discovered, then outlawed, and then used by the mob to kill people, but I don't care how well financed the mob is there is no way they could afford something like time travel.  The fact that they just casually throw in that people have telekinetic powers.  The fact that the whole point of sending people back in time to be murdered is because it disposes of the bodies and yet the mob kills old Bruce Willis' wife without any apparent problems from the authorities in the future.  The fact old Bruce Willis is apparently bulletproof and walks into many shootouts without trying to shield himself from the bad guys' guns.  The fact that when young Bruce Willis asks old Bruce Willis how time travels works, old Bruce Willis basically tells him to shut up and that is the only explanation we get.  The fact that Loopers have to kill their future selves for some reason that is never explained very well.  The fact that all of the telekinetic people can do nothing more than make a coin levitate, but that kid can lift every piece of furniture in a room and make people explode.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that I'm still not sure who the protagonist (that means good guy) was.  Was it young Bruce Willis?  No, he was a drug-addicted mob assassin who was attempting to kill his future self.  Was it old Bruce Willis?  Nope, he seemed like the good guy for about 10 minutes until he started murdering children.  Was it Emily Blunt?  Nah, she abandoned her kid and only came back because her sister died and forced the kid back into her life.  Was it the kid?  Hell no, he may or may not grow up to be the most feared mob boss of all time and he literally made a man explode with his mind.  And it sure as hell wasn't any of the other characters in the movie, who were either Jeff Daniels or mob underlings, so you know they were bad.  You are probably going, come on, it was young Bruce Willis, he killed himself so that old Bruce Willis wouldn't murder that kid and could have a mom and wouldn't turn out to be the ultimate evil mob boss.  But I counter-argue with, they are the same person no matter how you look at it, young and old Bruce Willis were bad guys.  So, I'm just kind of confused as to who the good guy in this movie was.  I am not okay with that.

"In what way does that look like a young Bruce Willis?"

Stupid State Laws - Oklahoma

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Oklahoma

"It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots."

Am I missing something here?  Why in holy pig shit would it be illegal for farm animals to have their hind legs in 'your' boots?  I cannot think of one conceivable reason for a farm animal in boots that would make it illegal.  Well, that's not exactly true, I did think of one.  The cops busted in on a guy humping a goat, but when asked what he was he doing, the farmer kindly responded "I was only mounting this goat because I was trying to see if he could wear my boots" and that somehow got him out of being arrested.  Even then, that's pretty far-fetched.  On top of that, is it illegal if the farm animal is just wearing your boots?  Or does the farm animal have to have its hind legs in the boots at the same time as the owner of the boots?  So confusing.  So stupid.

"Wait, who do we arrest?  The owner or the pig?"

Celebrity Twins?

Am I crazy or do Justin Chatwin (he currently plays Jimmy and/or Steve on Shameless) and Chris Hardwick (former host of Web Soup and current host of Talking Dead and the podcast The Nerdist) look alike?  Or even if you don't think they look exactly alike than you have to agree that Chris Hardwick at least looks like Justin Chatwin's goofy older brother, right?  Check them out:

Yeah?  Kind of?  The only difference between the two is Justin has a squarer jaw than Chris and doesn't look so goofy.  Well, that's all I've got, it's Saturday, sue me.

Apolo Anton Ohno Movie

Do you guys remember Apolo Anton Ohno?  You know him, he is that American Olympian speed skater who was really good but nobody cares about him except for about five days every four years.  Well, I was up watching TV late one night and skipping through the channels when I saw a movie on the SyFy channel that caught my attention.  It was called Tasmanian Devils, but that wasn't what caught my attention.  It was the topped bill actor according to my program description that made me look twice.  If you haven't figured it out by now, that 'actor' was Apolo Anton Ohno.  That's right, the American speed skater has done a little acting in his downtime.  It also starred the chick who played Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years.  And what was Tasmanian Devils all about you ask?  I had to look it up and the only description I could find said that Winnie Cooper plays a park ranger who has to fight monstrous Tasmanian devils who have a sudden craving for blood.  What Apolo does in this movie, I haven't the faintest clue but assume at some point he skates away from these dangerous devils even though I can only assume this movie is set in Australia which isn't exactly known for its ice.  All I can say is that is a SyFy original, so you know it was terrible but somehow entertaining in its terribleness.  If anybody happens to stumble across this movie late one night, please check it out and get back to me.

"I assume that at one point in the movie, he had to ice skate away from a Tasmanian Devil."

Good News - We Ain't Racist!

Whether you are looking for a job, just listening to the radio, or watching TV, you're bound to run into an advertisement for a company that is hiring.  Once you see or hear ads for perspective employers, you cannot help but wonder, is it really necessary to say you are an equal opportunity employer?  This phrase is at the end of every TV commercial and in not so fine print in magazine ads.  In America I think this goes without saying.  This is like saying, "Hey, if you like our company I have a huge bonus for you - no one cares what religion you are!"  Did anyone bring that up?  Are people questioning whether you are sexist?  All kinds of red flags get raised - why lead with something that conjures up so many negative thoughts?  Heck, it is illegal to NOT be an equal opportunity employer.  Essentially if you are a company then you are an equal opportunity employer   If you aren't, then you are either going out of business or getting sued.

How about this, from now on just let me know if you aren't an equal opportunity employer.  So wrap it up advertisers, no one is impressed if you aren't racist or sexist.  From now on as a society let's assume that all companies will hire you based on credentials alone....unless you are Canadian; then get the hell out.

"Equality Bitches."

Random Movie Trivia - Jurassic Park

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Jurassic Park

• Harrison Ford, Richard Dreyfuss, and William Hurt all turned down the role of Dr. Grant.
• When Michael Crichton was attempting to sell the rights to his book, Warner Bros. was interested and they wanted Tim Burton to direct.  Can you even imagine how completely different this movie would have been?  I seriously cannot imagine a director that is a more complete opposite to Steven Spielberg.
• Pretty much any shot of a full dinosaur was computer generated and any shot of only a partial dinosaur was an animatronic.
• A baby triceratops was supposed to be the dinosaur that hatches out of the egg early on in the movie but was changed to a velociraptor.
• Richard Attenborough is the actor who played billionaire John Hammond in the film.  He is also the same man who beat out Spielberg for the 1982 Best Picture Academy Award.  Attenborough's Gandhi won over Spielberg's E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.  I always like to base Best Picture winners based on which would I still want to watch today, therefore the Academy choice poorly.
• Spielberg was so confident in this film that he left post-production to his buddy George Lucas and went on to start work on Schindler's List.
• Just like in the movie, a hurricane hit the island of Kauai during filming and the crew had to lifted out by helicopter.  They even took footage of the hurricane and used it in the film.  Luckily, they only had more scene to shoot when the hurricane hit which was done on the nearby island of Oahu.
• In Dr. Grant's trailer at the beginning of the movie, newspaper clippings can be seen on his fridge that say "Space Aliens Stole My Face" and "Dinosaurs on Mars!".
• In the original script, the T-Rex skeleton in the lobby of the main building was going to be hooked up to a pulley system and Dr. Grant was going to use those pulleys to crush the raptors.  Instead, Spielberg decided that the T-Rex should be the hero of the movie.
• There are only 15 minutes of actual dinosaur footage in the film.
• The T-Rex roar is a combination of a dog, penguin, alligator, tiger, and elephant sounds.
• During a scene in the computer room where an argument breaks out between Nedry and Hammond, you can see Jaws being played on one of Nedry's computer screens,  Jaws of course was also directed Spielberg.
• Sam Neill injured his hand while lighting the flare that he uses to distract the T-Rex.

"I guess I should point out that Velociraptors not only were believed to be covered in feathers, but were also only about a foot and half tall.  In other words, large angry turkey."

Top Ten Comic Book Movies Part 1

Here comes another fun list, this time we are going to examine the Top Ten Movies based on Comic Books. I've decided to split this up into four parts because it would be too long to fit into just one post (plus it would give me four days worth of posts instead of just one) with the last post being The Worst Comic Book Movies.  This week I'm just going to discuss the movies that just missed making the Top Ten and next week we will delve into the list itself.  So, who's ready to party:

Honorable Mention

• Iron Man 2 - I had to throw this one in there because it was a solid movie.  It kind of shied away from the "Have to have multiple villains in the sequel" concept by only making Sam Rockwell's Justin Hammer a minor bad guy, plus anything with Robert Downey Jr. in it nowadays is money in the bank.
• Watchmen - a lot of people will complain that this movie was too long and there was way too much blue dong in it, but if you had read the graphic novel it was based on, then you would know that the director did a damn good job of sticking true to the story (other than one small detail at the end).  Plus they cast the perfect actor to play Rorschach.
• Red - I've read that some people didn't like this movie, but I thought the Bruce Willis/John Malkovich combo was great and even though he does a lot of terrible movies, Karl Urban might have played the best character in the whole movie.  Overall, I think this flick was a lot better than people think, let's see if they don't screw that up with the sequel.
• Sin City - frankly, I just think this movie came out before people were ready for it.  It was released a year before 300 and that movie seemed to pave the way for the artistic liberties that Sin City took in its production.  On top of that, this movie had an insane cast - Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba, Benicio Del Toro, and Clive Owen to name a few.  Let's hope the sequel is just as good.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - a staple of my youth and because I loved this movie so much when I was a kid, it is making the Honorable Mention list.  Also, did you know that Corey Feldman did the voice of Donatello?
• Scott Pilgrim vs. the World - I thought this movie was great, it's only problem was that the best possible actor to play the title role was Michael Cera and I can't stand that guy.  Otherwise, I liked how the movie was portrayed with its video game-style and it had a great cast.

"Come on, it was the only movie I ever sat in a long line in order to see, that has to count for something."

NOKW - Sherlock Holmes 2

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

Basic Plot:  The sequel in the Guy Ritchie/Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes franchise.  This time Sherlock goes up against his biggest nemesis from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's writings, Professor Moriarty.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that they killed Rachel McAdams character for no good reason.  The fact that Sherlock's master plan revolved around being caught and tortured by Moriarty just so that he could steal his journal that contained back account numbers and that this plan also involved having Watson save him which he did by dropping a lighthouse on top of the building Sherlock was being tortured in and that Sherlock really didn't have a back-up plan in case Watson failed to pull off this ridiculous feat.  The fact that I haven't seen this movie recently and only saw the end of it a couple of days ago and don't really remember much about it other than the last scene which really needed to be discussed, so we will just go straight there...

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Doctor Watson nor his wife notice Sherlock sitting in his office at the end of the movie.  To catch you up to speed, Sherlock matches wits with the evil Professor Moriarty and in order win said contest, he grabs the professor and drags the both of them over a balcony and into a long drop to their deaths.  Spoiler Alert, Sherlock is not dead, he used his brother's small oxygen mask to survive the fall into the water below and then mails the mask to Doctor Watson at the end of the movie.  The good doctor opens the package with his wife in the room and instantly knows that Sherlock is alive and takes off after the mailman, thinking he was Sherlock in disguise.  Turns out that Sherlock was sitting in the office the whole time in a camouflage suit and nobody noticed him despite the fact that his camouflage suit only works if you look at exactly the correct spot.  But no, neither Watson (who had been sitting in the office for quite some time writing a book) nor his wife (who definitely would not have been standing at the correct angle for the camouflage suit to work) notice Sherlock sitting in the chair.  I can excuse Mrs. Watson, she was only briefly in the room, but Doctor Watson should have definitely seen something.  Hell, Sherlock should have given himself away at some point, nobody can sit in one spot for that long without making noise.  I am not okay with that.

"Hmmm....something seems off here."