Random Movie Trivia - Saving Private Ryan

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Saving Private Ryan

• The Omaha Beach scene cost $11 million dollars, used 40 barrels of fake blood, and cast 1,000 extras, some of whom were amputees to be used in the gorier parts of the scene.
• The Department of Veteran Affairs set up a special 800 number to help with veterans who were traumatized by the opening scene.
• The part of Caparzo was written specifically for Vin Diesel after Steven Spielberg saw him in some crappy movie that no one has ever heard of, but still pretty impressive when one of the greatest directors of his generation writes a part for you especially when that person is Vin Diesel.
• Spielberg said that had the movie received an NC-17 rating due to the violence, he would have released the movie un-cut anyways.
• A young Nathan Fillion (pre-Firefly) makes a cameo as the wrong Private Ryan found early on in the movie.
• In the scene where Edward Burns reads the names on the dog tags of soldiers who have died, all of the names he reads are friends of his.
• When the movie was being dubbed into German, one of the voice actors had actually been at the Invasion of Normandy and when he saw the scene, he couldn't deal with it emotionally and didn't finish his part.
• If you remember the film at all, after the Invasion of Normandy, Captain Miller (Tom Hanks) and his group load up on ammunition and get a jeep, however, the next time you see them, they are on foot and 'lost most of their ammo'.  The reason for the sudden change is that there is a scene that shows how they lost both that was cut from the final cut of the movie.
• In any scene that involved an explosion, Spielberg had attached drills to his cameras that he turned on to create the effect.  Later he was told that there is a special lens that will create the same effect and what he thought was a new filming technique was in fact already old news.
• Tom Hanks was inducted into the Army Ranger Hall of Fame as a honorary inductee because of his portrayal of Captain Miller in the film.
• Mel Gibson and Harrison Ford were considered for the part of Captain Miller and Neil Patrick Harris was considered for the part of Private Ryan
• Matt Damon ad-libbed the story about spying on his brother hooking up with an ugly chick in his family's barn and Spielberg liked it so much, he left it in.
• Tom Sizemore (Sergeant Horvath) was battling drug addiction during production and Spielberg required daily blood tests to make sure he was clean and told Sizemore that if he failed one test, even on the last day of filming, he would fire him, re-cast, and re-shoot the entire movie.
• All of the principle actors except for Matt Damon, aka Private Ryan, went through several days of grueling army training because Spielberg wanted those actors to actually dislike Damon when they finally met his character late in the movie.

"He's smiling because he didn't just have to go through a week of sleeping on the ground and eating terrible food like the rest of the cast."

Who Won The Oscars?

 While all the Hollywood shmucks sat around listening to Seth McFarlane instead of just watching Family Guy and losing awards to Ben Affleck's beard (not Jennifer Garner) Leonardo Dicaprio was winning in life.  Instead of trying to smuggle weird groinless bronze statues he was busy smuggling his junk onto several bronze statuesque ladies.  The further irony was that he was filming for his upcoming film which will probably win him Oscars which will prevent him from doing this again next year.  So the way I see it, every other year Leo alternates winning Oscars and winning life.  Good work my friend. 

"It's good to be the king."

Movie Sequels and More Part 4

Another look at Hollywood's hilarious concept of upcoming movies, meaning that they have run out of ideas and they can only come up with another round of prequels, sequels, and remakes and nothing original:

• Paranormal Activity 5 - I haven't seen the first four, so I can only assume I won't see the fifth one.  Plus I'm pretty sure that some Hollywood exec made a bet that they could make more of these movies than Saw movies, that's the only explanation for making so many of these stupid movies.
• I, Robot 2 - didn't everything get resolved in the first movie?  I don't understand what the second one could possibly be about.
• Hancock 2 - great concept for a movie character, it's just too bad they screwed it up the first time, hopefully they will fix it the second time and maybe introduce a villain who can actually match up against the title hero.
• The Avengers 2 - when the first one made a billion dollars, of course they are going to make another one.  Also, I'm interested to see if Robert Downey Jr actually has real dialogue this time round.  In the first one, he only said witty one-liners and nothing else.
• Green Lantern 2 - why?!?  Did you see the first one?  It was beyond terrible and the Green Lantern character is really lame and his superpowers are stupid, so why waste more money on this franchise after losing so much the first time?
• The Expendables 3 - I saw the first one, it was dumb and the only thing I remember about that movie is that Dolph Lundgren was killed, but he was somehow in the second one and already cast in the third one.  That makes no sense.
• Battleship 2 - just kidding.
• Tron: Legacy 2 - while I thought the first Tron: Legacy wasn't all that bad and I endorse anything that casts the super sexy Olivia Wilde, I'm fairly certain another one is just unnecessary.
• Fantastic 4 Reboot - I still say the casting of the first go-round wasn't bad other than Jessica Alba (who is hot but a terrible actress), it's just too bad both scripts for the two originals were stupid.  Maybe they will finally get it right, but then again, Hollywood screwed up The Hulk twice and his character is awesome.
• Jumanji 2 Remake - this makes zero sense to me, the first movie was okay, but not good enough to remake it less than 20 years later.

"If they do actually make a Green Lantern sequel, do you think they will include the giant space chicken again?"

NOKW - Fight Club

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Fight Club

Basic Plot:  Without giving away the twist ending, Edward Norton and Brad Pitt create a club that involves fighting then it evolves into something even crazier.  Oh, and Brad Pitt is Edward Norton's alternate personality or something.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that we never learn Edward Norton's character's real name and according to IMDB, he is credited as 'The Narrator'.  The fact that anyone would join Tyler Durden's fight club after seeing him beat himself up in a parking lot and then talk to an imaginary person.  The fact that I might join a fight club led by a guy who looks like Brad Pitt but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't join if the guy looked like Edward Norton (no homo).  The fact that Edward Norton doesn't figure out he is Tyler Durden way earlier than he does considering everyone around him knows him as Tyler.  The fact that shooting himself in the head shouldn't have changed anything because as long as Edward Norton is alive, so is Tyler Durden.  The fact that blowing up those buildings at the end of the movie might actually accomplish Project Mayhem's plan because it turns out that all credit card companies are headquartered in two cities in America and if he took out both those cities, then America's credit might actually reset.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that nothing about the final fight scene between Edward Norton, who is real, and Tyler Durden, who is imaginary, makes any damn sense.  First up, we see Edward defuse the bomb in the van, then he gets punched in the face by Tyler and falls out of the van.  And this is where it first starts making even less sense then usual.  Tyler resets the fuse on the bomb, climbs out of the van, and an epic fight ensues.  My problem with this is that we see Tyler fix the bomb, not Edward Norton.  Tyler is imaginary and therefore should not be able to fix, let alone touch the bomb.  And sure, maybe Edward Norton just saw Tyler fix the bomb, but it really was himself, but the problem there is that we are shown video surveillance of this scene and Edward is physically lying outside the van when this goes down.  So, how did the bomb get reset unless Tyler Durden was real all along which we know he is not.  I am not okay with that.

"So, does Edward Norton ever actually wear Tyler's wardrobe or does he just imagine it?"

Stupid State Laws - New York

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

New York

"The penalty for jumping off a building is death."

No shit, Sherlock.  Why in the hell is this even a law?  What do lawmakers expect the outcome of jumping off of a building will be?  A soft landing and a lollipop?  No, more like an instant death (if you are lucky) and a mess on the sidewalk that no one is going to want to clean up.  If anything, the penalty for jumping off a building should be a fine that would pay for the clean-up service to scrap your dead body off of the sidewalk.  And for that matter, if someone does survive jumping off of a building, killing them only solves their problem considering that was what they were trying to do in the first place.

"Yeah, if you jump from any of these buildings, of course the penalty will be death."

PED's Anyone?

Steroids and performance-enhancing drugs were all over the news this past month when Alex Rodriguez was called out for using them...again, as well as some Alabama football players and Ray Lewis (who definitely used something considering he recovered from an injury that usually takes 6 months to come back from and he did it in only 10 weeks).  However, I have a question for you, dear reader - would you use performance-enhancing drugs?

Let's look at a hypothetical.  You're a talented but not great baseball player and have been stuck in the minor leagues for years with no real hope of ever making the big leagues and you now have two options.  Option 1)  Continue as you do now and never make it to the highest level of baseball, continue traveling on buses, sleeping in crappy hotels with four guys to a room, using shitty training equipment, and getting paid peanuts for your play.  Option 2)  Take some steroids, make the big leagues, travel on team charter flights, sleep in nice hotels, get to use the best equipment, sign endorsement deals, get free stuff like meals and cars, and possibly sign a multi-year multi-million dollar contract that will set you and your family up for life.  So, which option would you choose?

If it were me, I honestly would have to lean towards Option B.  It's hard to pass up millions and millions of dollars when the only downside is a couple of health problems and a tarnished legacy if you are caught.  Look at it this way, Alex Rodriguez is still owed over $100 million dollars even though his reputation as a cheater is established.  Do you think that bothers him?  Maybe a little, but he is rich as hell and when you can buy a tropical island, what people think of you shouldn't matter that much.

All I'm trying to say is that if taking performance-enhancing drugs leads to the kind of money that you when you wake up in the morning the biggest decision of your day is picking which car you want to drive to the golf course, I'm taking those drugs and not thinking twice about it.  And if that is the way I think then all of the over-competitive athletes out there are going to take them too just so they can have an edge over their opponent.  That's exactly why the Baseball Hall of Fame did not admit anyone into the hall this year because all of the nominees thought the same way.

"Another upside about taking steroids is that you look like an entirely new person in case you are trying to flee from the police or something."

Jackass

At the beginning of every Jackass episode and/or movie, it shows this:

My question is - what exactly makes these guys "professionals"?  Look at it this way, what exactly is your profession when your job includes sticking a toy car up your ass just so you can go to the doctor to get an x-ray of it to laugh about?  Professional idiots?  Absolutely, but that is the only thing they could possibly be professionals at.  You would have to be an idiot to think it was a good idea to stick your dick in a cast only to have a woodpecker encouraged to peck through it.  And you would definitely have to be an idiot to think it would be funny to trick a guy who is deathly afraid of snakes into falling into a pit full of snakes.  While I think it is hilarious that these guys actually call themselves "professionals", I still find their movies funny.  So, I guess they can keep on calling themselves whatever they want as long as they keep putting out stuff that includes Johnny Knoxville testing a riot control box.

"Seconds later, they were all covered in small circular bruises.  So dumb but so funny."

Week of Danica

This week Danica Patrick won the pole for the Daytona 500.  She is the first woman to win a pole and probably will be the 3rd woman to suck in an actual race.  Winning the pole doesn't really mean much in NASCAR (or in life) but it does give NASCAR some publicity.  Fortunately for non-NASCAR fans it gives us at least a week of great jokes.  Begin:

• On Sportscenter Danica said It was great learning from Tony Stewart because when he races "He knows when to pull out and when to go".  Priceless.
• Perfect tweet from Rick Reilley - @ReillyRick. "'So proud to have my daughter on the pole.' -- Danica Patrick's Dad"
• I have seen hundreds of girls work way harder than Danica on a pole.
• With Danica on the pole rubbin' really will be racin'.
• I have seen girls on and around the pole but never directly on it - touche Danica.
• I don't know how Danica gets all the cooking and cleaning done while racing - impressive.
• If she is pregnant there will have to be a HANS device for babies.
• If rubbin' is racin' then I am racin'......FAST!
• What do you tell a girl with a wrecked car?  Nothing, you already told her once.
• Conversation between all NASCAR fans:  "Don't breasts get in the way of driving?"  "I guess not, Tony Stewart did OK."

"I'm getting a hot rod looking at this hot rod."

Random Movie Trivia - T2

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

• Robert Patrick has a slight limp due to an old football injury and when making the CGI T-1000, the special effects crew had to incorporate that into the animation.
• Charlie Korsmo, the kid from Hook, was offered the part of John Conner but turned it down to be in the Bill Murray comedy, What About Bob?.  Frankly, anyone would have been better than Edward Furlong.
• In the final fight, there is a scene where the T-1000 disguises itself as Sarah Conner and tries to trick John Conner, but the real Sarah Conner shows up.  Well, no CGI or green screens were used for this shot because Linda Hamilton's twin sister, Leslie, played one of the Sarah Conners.
• A lot of the film shot was scraped because Edward Furlong hit puberty pretty hard during production and he even had to re-dub most of his lines because his voice changed so dramatically.  The only scene not re-dubbed was the scene where he explains to the Terminator why people cry because James Cameron wanted it to be more dramatic.
• In Arnold Schwarzenegger's first scene in the biker bar, a female passer-by wandered into the bar not knowing that filming was going on and when she saw Arnold in only boxer shorts, she asked him what he was doing to which he replied "It's Male Stripper Night".
• For the scene where John Conner and Arnold break Sarah Hamilton out of the mental hospital, the building used had a fake sign outside that said "Pescadero State Hospital for the Criminally Disordered".  When local citizens saw this, they quickly organized a protest until they were told it was for a movie, apologized, and quickly left.
• John Conner's foster parent's last name was Voight meaning if he had taken their name his full name would have been John Voight, aka Angelina Jolie's daddy.
• This is the only sequel to have won an Academy Award when the original wasn't even nominated.

"She's hot and all, but I still don't see the sex appeal that everyone else does."

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts

Basically, here are some (brainfart) thoughts that I couldn't or didn't want to expand on and every time I think of enough, I thought I would write a "Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts" post.  So, let's see how it goes and maybe it will happen again:

• Why do lakes all have the same first name and oceans and seas all have the same last name?
• In the Zelda series, why do the bosses of each dungeon own the only weapon that can defeat them, let alone having it lying around in said dungeon?
• Do cheerleaders even lead cheers anymore or are they just there to wear skimpy outfits?
• If Superman's powers come from our yellow sun, shouldn't he become mortal each night?  And what if he leaves our solar system, wouldn't he just lose his powers and suffocate in space?
• Why was the classic novel called The Three Musketeers when there were four of them by the end?
• When Bruce Wayne gets a new protege (Dick Grayson) and Batman suddenly gets a new sidekick (Robin) who is the same age, why does no one else seem to notice this coincidence?
• More Batman - why do more people not notice the correlation between Batman taking a beating in a big fight and Bruce Wayne having the same scrapes and bruises?
• Why do the fingernails on one of my hands grow faster than the ones on the other hand?

"Cheerleaders look more like strippers than cheerleaders anymore.....not that I'm complaining."

NOKW - Alien: Resurrection

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Alien: Resurrection

Basic Plot:  I'm not sure, I assume there are some aliens and a resurrection of some sort.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that I have never actually seen this movie other than the last scene and that is the one will be discussing because it is so ridiculous.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the entire climax is beyond retarded and nothing about it made any damn sense.  First off, Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) and Winona Ryder are on some sort of ship with a super weird-looking alien.  Why is alien weird-looking?  Who the hell knows, but I do know that the alien is wounded and seems to be in love with Ripley for some reason.  And we haven't even gotten to the stupid stuff yet.  So, Ripley strolls up to the alien and hugs it or something and in the process of the hug, she purposely gets some of the alien's blood on her hand and then throws it on a nearby window which then proceeds to melt due to the blood.  But if the alien blood was able to burn through a window that is able to withstand the vacuum of space, then why didn't it burn right through Ripley's fragile human hand?  It abso-fucking-lutely would have but magically doesn't.  What happens next is that a hole forms in the window and sucks the alien completely through the tiny hole like it were a black hole.  My question is - once a solid substance like the alien's skull hits that hole, wouldn't it just plug the leak?  I'm not going to pretend I know anything about the physics of space and pressure, but I would think that the alien's skull would be able to plug up such a tiny hole quite effectively.  Instead, it gets completely sucked through and Ripley and the android (by the way, Winona Ryder was the robot in this one) are safe from the threat of death by alien and somehow from the hole that is still in the window.  Alien: Resurrection - I am not okay with that.

"Is that the resurrection part?  If so, gross."

Stupid State Laws - New Jersey 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

New Jersey

"It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season."

Huh?  What in the hell does knitting have to do with fishing?  Why exactly would it be 'against the law' to knit during fishing season?  And most importantly, why only men?  Wait, I know that answer - someone has to do the knitting during fishing season and it sure as hell isn't going to be the men of the house, they'll be too busy burning off testosterone and fishing to pick up some knitting needles, so that job will most certainly fall on the women of the house.  But why only during fishing season?  Is that the only time of the year that men figured they could weasel their way out of knitting and then actually found a lawmaker dumb enough to pass a law for them?  Damn it, New Jersey, make some damn sense now and again.

"That look either means he just realized it's fishing season and he's going to jail.  Or it's the look of a child molester.  It really could go either way."

The Greatest Moments in Sports....

....didn't happen in that sports' final championship game.  Think about the greatest moments in sports history and I bet the plays or games that pop into your head first are listed below, but none of those games were the ones play in the championship.  Sure, some of them were called championship games, but winning the NFC Championship is not the same as winning the Super Bowl.  Alright, now that that is out of the way, let's look at the greatest moments in sports and you will see what I'm talking about:

• The Christian Laettner Shot Against Kentucky - The Final Four.  You've all seen this shot, they replay it every March a hundred times, but the funny thing is that this last second game-winner happened in the game before the championship.
• The Catch - NFC Championship Game.  Joe Montana's touchdown pass to the fingertips of Dwight Clark helped the 49ers defeat the Cowboys, however, this catch only propelled San Francisco to the Super Bowl, not win it.
• Red Sox Comeback - AL Championship.  Down three games to the Yankees in the ALCS, the plucky Red Sox became the only team to in MLB history to win four straight to win a best-of-seven series, but that series was not the World Series.
• Cal/Stanford Game with the Band - Regular Season Game.  Another play that is replayed a hundred times each year was nothing but a regular season game and not even the last regular season game.  On top of that, California (the team that won this game) finished the season with a record of 7-4, so it wasn't like they went on to win anything of importance.
• Shot Heard 'Round the World - Last Regular Season Game (but technically a best of three playoff ).  In 1951, Bobby Thompson hit a walk-off home run that clinched the NL Pennant for the New York Giants.  Yup, just the pennant and not the World Series.
• Miracle on Ice - 2nd to Last Game of Round Robin Play.  That's right, quite possibly the most memorable moment in all of sports was in the Olympics when the US beat those pesky Russians in 1980 in hockey.  However, the aforementioned game was not the match that determined the gold medal winner, it wasn't until the US beat Finland later that week did America clinch first place in some weird round robin format that as since been scrapped.

As you can see, sports most memorable moments didn't actually matter when it mattered most.  Sure, most of these teams did go on to win their respective championships and sure, had they not won that particular game, they couldn't have won said championship, but the point is that these moments didn't happen when the result would have won the big one and that's all I'm really trying to say.

"Calm down there, fellas, you still haven't actually won gold yet."

The NFL Hall of Fame

Alright, we are going to play one of those fun games where I present two players' stats and you have to guess who I am talking about.  By the way, they are both retired NFL Quarterbacks:

Player A

• He was picked 12th overall in the NFL Draft.
• In his 13-year career, he had 68 Wins, 71 Losses, and 4 Ties.
• He had a 50% Completion Percentage, 27,663 Passing Yards, 173 Passing TDs and 220 INTs.
• He won 2 AFL MVPs and went to 5 Pro Bowls.
• He went to and won 1 Super Bowl and was the Super Bowl MVP.
• He is in the NFL Hall of Fame.

Player B

• He was undrafted out of college.
• In his 12-year career, he had 67 Wins and 50 Losses.
• He had a  65.5% Completion Percentage, 32,344 Passing Yards, 208 TDs and 128 INTs.
• He won 2 NFL MVPs and went to 4 Pro Bowls.
• He went to 3 and won 1 Super Bowl and won 1 Super Bowl MVP.
• He has a very slim chance of making the NFL Hall of Fame.

Have you figured it out yet?  Probably not, because if you did then you would be some sort of football wizard.  Well, Player A is Joe Namath and Player B is Kurt Warner.  While both of their careers look eerily similar, Kurt Warner has far and away the better statistical numbers, he took two different teams to the Super Bowl, and most importantly, he probably won't be inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame.  How does that even remotely make sense?  Sure, Kurt played in a different era when high offensive numbers were commonplace, but Joe Namath had a career losing record and nearly 50 more interceptions than touchdowns.  Now, I think I have come up with a solution,  If Kurt Warner is not voted into the Hall of Fame, then quite simply, Joe Namath should just be kicked out.  I don't care that Namath had a cool nickname or that he played in the biggest media market in the US or that he guaranteed a Super Bowl win, he did not have a better career than Kurt Warner and therefore if Kurt can't get in the Hall then Namath should be kicked out.

"Then again, anyone who can pull off that look should be in the Hall of Fame.  Maybe not the NFL Hall of Fame, but some sort of Hall of Fame.

Random Movie Trivia - Forrest Gump

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Forrest Gump

• Bill Murray, John Travolta, and Chevy Chase all turned down the title role.  It makes you wonder how dumb the casting director was that Tom Hanks was their fourth choice.
• The Vietnam scenes were filmed on what is now the Ocean Creek Golf Course on Fripp Island, SC.  I only mention that because fellow Brainfart contributor Alex and I have played that course numerous times and pretended to be Bubba and Forrest while playing.  Also, the scene where Forrest's boat, Jenny, crashes into a dock was shot at a nearby fishing company and that boat is still sitting wrecked in that dock to this day.
• David Alan Grier, Ice Cube, and Dave Chappelle all turned down the part of Bubba.  While I could see Grier and Chappelle doing okay with that part, but Ice Cube?  Are you serious?
• Tom Hanks' younger brother Jim Hanks doubled for him in most of the running scenes.  Other than having no hair, Jim looks just like his brother.
• As I've mentioned before, this movie is actually base on a novel and in the scene were Lieutenant Dan tells Forrest that the day Forrest becomes a shrimping boat captain he will be an astronaut is actually a reference to that book.
• When the microphone is unplugged during the Vietnam Rally, Tom Hanks' inaudible line is "Sometimes when people go to Vietnam, they go home to their mommas without legs.  Sometimes they don't go home at all.  That's a bad thing.  That's all I have to say about that."
• Tom Hanks' daughter and director Robert Zemeckis' son are two of the extras on the school bus at the beginning of the movie.
• One scene that was left out was a run-in with Martin Luther King Jr where Forrest inadvertently saves MLK from an attack by some dogs.
• While her last name is never actually spoken, Jenny's full name is Jenny Curran which can be seen on the back of an envelope in the scene where Forrest receives all of the letters he wrote to her during Vietnam.
• Forrest's hometown of Greenbow, Alabama is fictional.
• Sally Field plays Forrest's mother even though she is only ten years older than Tom Hanks and actually played his girlfriend in the movie Punchline which was released six years before Forrest Gump.
• Kurt Russell provided the voice for Elvis in the movie.
• Following the success of the movie, the author of the book wrote a sequel called "Gump & Co" in which Forrest lives in a world where the movie was released and Forrest calls it inaccurate and even meets Tom Hanks.

"A bald Tom Hanks?  Nope, just his younger brother Jim."

Best App Ever?

Alternate Title:  Goals Make Me Horn-y.  Okay, that one was bad.

In the digital age the new frontier is apps.  Whatever you think that you originally thought of, someone else has already though of it and made an app for it.  Every now and then between the "Let Your Cat Fish" app or the "What Butterfly is That" app someone strikes pure gold.  Budweiser did just that with this app.

First off let's address the main problem of this thing - it's for Hockey/Canadians.  Gross.  For this short discussion we need to make believe that Budweiser will not be stupid and extend this to at least football and hopefully all sports; although basketball would be annoying.  For those of us that have to do work around the house or aren't interested in watching every minute of every game, this is the tits.  The scenarios of fun are endless.  You can be in the other room or having a party but when that light goes off and that horn sounds your house will go to meltdown - and who doesn't love that (not girls).

The next step - the app lets you enter in your fantasy teams and the light and buzzer go off when someone on your team scores.  Imagine watching Jeopardy with your buddy you are playing that week.  He brings over his light.  You have yours.  Let the games begin!

"Bill Gates' horn light."

Kate Upton

Sports Illustrated released their annual Softcore Porn Issue, I mean Swimsuit Issue this week and for the second straight year Kate Upton was the cover model and for the second straight year I don't know why.  First off, let's look at the cover of the this year's Swimsuit Issue:

She's not bad looking, but I just don't see why people think she is so hot.  Sure, she has a nice rack, but she is kind of thick and her face is 'meh' at best to me.  The only thing I can figure is that because she is only 20, it ramps up her hotness factor a few too many degrees in everybody's minds.  I've brought this issue up with my friends and I seem to be in the minority on this, but I'm sorry, she is just not hot enough to garner gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue two years in a row.  So, I looked at the other models featured in this year's issue and found a model that I thought is way hotter than ol' big boobs up there.  Her name is Izabel Goulart.  She is a 5'10, 28 year old Brazilian model and I am already in love and think she is every bit as deserving of the cover as Kate Upton.  I don't know or really care if anyone agrees with me, so decide for yourself.  Check her out and decide for yourself who the real winner should have been (the answer is not Kate Upton):

NOKW - Jumanji

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Jumanji

Basic Plot:  A kid finds a board game and when he and a friend play it, they find out that it is much more than just a simple game.  Monkeys, rhinos, deadly plants, and a big-game hunter all descend upon a small town and havoc reigns until the game is over.  Whoa, that actually sounded legitimate.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Sam Parrish (Robin Williams' dad) fired the only black guy in his factory for barely damaging one of his machines.  The fact that that black guy quit on his dream of making sneakers so easily when he is idea would have been worth millions.  The fact that Judy and Peter's aunt seems to be wealthy enough to afford that mansion but other than talking on her phone a lot, we are never clear how she could afford it.  The fact that the National Guard isn't called in when the town is overrun by stampeding elephants and plants that can destroy cars.  The fact that a pelican is able to pick up and fly with that bulky board game with such ease.  The fact that when Robin Williams and Sarah finish the game and go back in time to when it started, they would be completely different people with some truly traumatic emotional scars and it would be amazing if either of them is ever able to go to school again, let alone get out of bed.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Robin Williams's character is stuck inside of the Jumanji jungle for 26 years without anyone but a guy that is trying to kill him for company and when he is finally released, he is relatively normal.  Bullshit.  I'm fairly confident that no one could be as sane as he was when he came out of that jungle after 26 years, let alone one.  Not only would he be completely insane, but he was kid when he went in there, so all those awkward teenage years where he was supposed to learn social skills didn't happen, so he should also be impossible to talk to.  Sure, he did run away as soon as he got out, but he also came back, took a shower, probably a dump on a real toilet, and then went right back to playing Jumanji.  If I was him, not only would I be crazy as shit, but I also would never go near that game again.  I would know what was in that jungle and I would know that it would start showing up in real life and I wouldn't want anything to do with it, but Robin Williams was "Cool, let's start playing again".  I am not okay with that.

"When someone looks like that, you know they are 'eat their own feces' crazy." 

Stupid State Laws - New Jersey

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

New Jersey

"It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon."

What in the hell is a homing pigeon?  Well, I looked it up and basically they were used to send messages long distances back before telephones and Twitter.  If you have read or watch Game of Thrones and its sequels (none of which are also called Game of Thrones like HBO wants you to believe), then homing pigeons are exactly the same birds that they use in that series to send messages.  So, I guess this law was either made during wartime or in a parallel universe where America was populated by power-hungry crazy people with British accents and dragons.  And if it was made during wartime, why would you ever follow this law?  Isn't disrupting your opponents communications key in winning a war?  Instead, New Jersey should have outlawed spray tanning, that would have been a much more sensible law even if they didn't know what spray tanning was at the time.

"Did you know HBO is splitting the 3rd book in the series into two seasons? The child actors will be 40 by the time they finally finish this thing."

Really, SNL?

Do you know who is hosting Saturday Night Live tonight?  Fucking Justin Bieber.  Why, SNL?!?  This truly makes no sense to me.  Do they think that by having that twerp on the show it will bring in a younger (female) audience?  That answer is no.  Those teenage girls will watch that one show and then never watch it again because they will see something shiny and get distracted like everyone under the age tween.  Do they think he is funny?  I hope not.  Do they think that their current (dwindling) viewers will actually enjoy seeing a no-talent ass-clown hosting the show?  Well, maybe, they have let Lindsay Lohan host the show four times and one of those times was after she became a Hollywood outcast.  Basically what I'm trying to say is that SNL has grossly misjudged Bieber's popularity with their show's audience and I for one will do what I always do when I disagree with their choice of host - fast forward to Weekend Update and then delete that episode from my DVR.

And since we are here, I want to give SNL a couple of much better choices other than that lesbian-looking kid to host their show:

• Nathan Fillion - the title character on the ABC show Castle and former star of short-lived Firefly would make the perfect host.  He's funny and charming, what more could they ask for?
• Weird Al Yankovic - somehow the parody king hasn't even been the musical guest on the show.  He can sing, he can dance, and he knows how to play numerous characters.  Fix this injustice, SNL and make him a host!
• Olivia Wilde - I love making lists that allow me to mention the super sexy Olivia Wilde.  Plus she is engaged to current SNL cast member Jason Sudeikis.
• Robert Downey Jr. - did you know that Iron Man used to actually be a cast member on SNL?  So, why haven't they invited him back to host since becoming a superstar?  Because they are idiots and chose Bieber instead.
• Alec Baldwin - he is hilarious and this would extend his hosting record to 17.

"Start a 'Weird Al to Host SNL' Facebook page now!  I'd do it but I hate Facebook."

Random Movie Trivia - Pulp Fiction

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Pulp Fiction

• The bible verse that Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) quotes at the beginning of the movie before killing that guy is mostly made-up, Quentin Tarantino and Jackson wrote it themselves and only one line of it even resembles anything from the bible.
• Samuel L. Jackson's character was originally supposed to wear a giant afro but after a crew member found a jheri curl wig and Jackson tried it on, Tarantino stuck with it.
• In the scene where John Travolta plunges a syringe into Uma Thurman's chest, they actually filmed him pulling it out and then playing it backwards.  Also, the board games "The Game of Life" and "Operation" are seen on a table in the background during this scene.
• Two-time Academy Award Winner (and probably will win a third soon) Daniel-Day Lewis really wanted the part of Vincent Vega but Tarantino turned him down in favor of the (at the time) washed-up John Travolta.
• Things speculated to have been in the briefcase that Jules and Vincent received at the beginning of the movie:  Elvis's gold suit worn by Val Kilmer in True Romance, Marcellus Wiley's (Ving Rhames) soul, diamonds, just a light bulb, and "whatever you want it to be".
• The word "fuck" is said 265 times in this movie.
• Sylvester Stallone was considered for the role of Butch.  Luckily they went with Bruce Willis.
• Jules's "Bad Mother Fucker" wallet is actually Quentin Tarantino's and is a reference to Shaft, a part later played by Samuel L. Jackson six years later.  Fun Fact - Christian Bale played the villain in that movie.
• Isabella Rossellini, Meg Ryan, Daryl Hannah, Joan Cusack, Halle Berry, and Michelle Pfeiffer were all considered for the role of Mia Wallace.
• Courtney Love claims that Tarantino wanted her and Kurt Cobain to play Lance and Jodi (the couple that robs the diner at the end), however, Tarantino denies having ever meet Cobain, let alone offering them the part.

"Yup, someone actually owned this wallet and that person directed this movie."

National Signing Day Recap?

Nope.  We won't be talking about National Signing Day today.  But we will be talking about something I saw on National Signing Day that confused the hell out of me.  Below is a picture from Twitter of Clemson's running backs coach, Tony Elliot, after he received MacKensie Alexander's (ESPN's no. 4 overall recruit) letter of intent.  What I want you to do is look at it very closely and see if you spot it:

It's hard to miss, isn't it?  There are three Twilight posters on the wall, a Twilight calender over his shoulder (with what appears to be someone's face taped on top of Kristen Stewart's face), and some other Twilight paraphernalia on top of the desk.  Being a Clemson alum, I am truly weirded out by the fact that one of the coaches of my favorite football team would have his walls and desk littered with so much Twilight crap.  So I looked at this picture again and came to the conclusion that there is no way that this is his desk.  Not only would a football coach not have multiple, let alone one Twilight poster on his wall, but no guy would have that much crap on his desk in general.  After looking it up, it turns out that the fax machine is beside a female staffer's desk and she took the picture for him when he picked up that letter of intent.  You have no idea how much better I felt after finding that out.  Dodged a huge bullet as a Clemson fan.

How bad are the Astros?

The Astros have been terrible in the recent past.  In the last four years they are 126 games under .500 winning only 40% of their games.  The last two years they are 111-213; worst record in MLB for the last two years.  They have not gotten to the playoffs in 8 years while playing in a division with the Cubs and Pirates.  They even lost off the field because their main sponsor for their new stadium was Enron!  They also have an amusement park-like field with a hill and poles in the outfield - who does that?

The Astros are currently terrible.  They have easily been the worst team in baseball.  If anything they have the least amount of hope - at least the Pirates have Andrew McCutchen.  The 'Stros were the worst team last season by 9 games, only winning 34% of their games.  In the last four years they are 126 games under .500 winning only 40% of their games.  The last two years they are 111-213; worst record in MLB for the last two years.  They have no good players on their roster.  Their highest paid player - Wandy Rodriguez for $5 million - is on the Pirates.  I am a very avid fantasy baseball player and I have only heard of two of their position players and three pitchers - check it out. Scary.

They were terrible in the past.  In the last four years they are 126 games under .500 winning only 40% of their games.  The last two years they are 111-213; worst record in MLB for the last two years.  They have not gotten to the playoffs in 8 years while paying in a division with the Cubs and Pirates.

They are going to be bad in the future. Their current payroll is $20 million dollars!  That's nothing!  20 players in baseball make that much or more this year.  How can you be expected to win when four INDIVIDUAL Phillies (Ryan Howard, Roy Halladay, Cole Hammels, and Cliff Lee) get paid more than your whole team!?!?  At least they have the Pirates.....oh, wait - the Astros just moved to the superior American league this year and get to face the Angles, Athletics, and Rangers.  Good luck Atsros!

"Did you know Lance Berkman was not a "Killer B's"?  It was originally Biggio, Bagwell, and Bell.  Biggio and Bagwell brought the baseball. Bell brought the cool."

College Football Signing Day

The three biggest days in college football are:  1) The first game of the season, 2) the rivalry game, and 3) National Signing Day.  And coming in a distant fourth is the National Championship because that game is usually terrible and only two of the past nine BCS National Championships have been remotely close (2005 - Texas v. USC and 2010 - Auburn v. Oregon) and worth watching.

Today we are going to talk about number three on that list, National Signing Day.  The day where recruits can finally sign a letter of intent and boosters can sign big checks to those recruits.  Wait a second, Brainfart, are you telling me that you think college football prospects accept cash and gifts from schools which is completely against NCAA rules?  Yes I do, dear reader.  Why wouldn't they?  I mean, what exactly is going to stop them?  The school itself?  Hell no.  A university that gets caught red-handed paying players will face numerous sanctions (by the NCAA, an institution that in theory has no actual power to do anything) like paying fines, forfeiting wins, and worst of all, losing scholarships.  But it might actually be worse for the recruit himself.  If he is caught, not only is his free ride to a solid university taken away, but he can no longer play football and prove to NFL scouts that he is a good enough player to make it in their league, you know, the place where this kid will be making some real cash.  On top of that, even if he is drafted, his credibility takes a huge hit and his draft stock plunges so far that it will take him years of proving himself in order to finally get a decent contract with a team and that means he has to stay healthy which is nearly impossible to do in football.  So, if a college football prospect is paid for his services, how could they get caught if everyone involved wouldn't dream of snitching about it?  I'm serious.  The only way that they could get caught is if the NCAA goes and looks at their bank accounts, but they don't actually have any real authority, so I still don't know how these kids and universities get caught.  Oh wait, I forgot that these are immature teenagers who can't keep their mouths shut and that when one university beats out (outbids) another one for a football recruit, they might also let a couple things slip.  And that's how Cam Newton almost got caught, which brings me to an interesting subject - the perfect loophole.

Do you know why Cam Newton was never caught?  It was because Cam and his parents said that he didn't personally know that they were asking for money and therefore, nothing was ever proven.  So, if you are the parents of a big-time college football prospect, the perfect loophole has been created.  All they have to do is go to a school and ask for money and they will then promise to steer their kid to your respective school.  Sure, that kid could still pick another school, but then all you really have to do is go to a representative of the school your kid really wants to go to and ask for cash.  It really is that simple.  As long as your kid doesn't know about it and that school doesn't get caught, you can get enough money to last you until he makes it pro and pays off your house.  So, enjoy tomorrow's National Signing Day and the ridiculous spectacle that these kids put the colleges that they are about to pick through.

"Auburn may or may not have paid Cam Newton $200,000.  If you ask me, after winning a National Championship and a Heisman Trophy, they definitely earned back their investment and then some."

NOKW - Back to the Future

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Back to the Future

Basic Plot:  A crazy scientist invites time travel and a teenager accidentally gets stuck 30 years in the past only to almost undo himself by changing stuff, but ultimately fixes things and makes his future life better.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that why a car has to go 88 miles per hour in order for the flux capacitor to work is never explained.  The fact that Doc knew Libyan terrorists and though it would be a good idea to steal freaking plutonium from them   The fact that those some Libyan terrorists actually had plutonium and weren't using it to do terrorist-y things with it.  The fact that Biff isn't in jail for any one of the numerous crimes he commits throughout the movie, the worst of course being attempted rape.  That fact that this site will probably be red-flagged because I have now mentioned terrorists, plutonium, and rape in the same post.  The fact that the future is not changed any more than it is considering that Marty does introduce rock music many years before it actually hits the air.  The fact that when he shows up in the future and his family is now no longer dysfunctional, he still technically is and therefore should be looked at as insane by the rest of his family.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that Marty and the Doc are even friends to begin with.  How many old eccentric people are you friends with that are not family or family of your best friends?  The answer is none.  So how did Marty and Doc even meet in the first place let alone have enough in common to become friends?  It's not like Marty is a brilliant science prodigy or master inventor savant, he is just a punk high school kid who wears a puffy vest all the time and doesn't like to be called "yellow" for some reason.  And it's not like Marty is an outcast at school and has to make friends wherever he can, he has a hot girlfriend and if he was bored he should probably be spending more time trying to get into her pants.  Which brings me back to the point at hand, why are Marty and Doc good enough friends that Doc would show him the most earth-shattering scientific discovery in history?  There is no explainable reason unless they forgot to mention that Doc is actually Marty's crazy uncle or grandfather or something, but that is not the case.  I am not okay with that.

"The fact that this should be the real result of time travel."

Stupid State Laws - New Hampshire

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

New Hampshire

"On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up."

Why the hell not?  Would you be somehow offending God if you "looked up" while taking a leak?  I don't see how.  It's not like you are peeing, looking up, AND cursing his name, you are only doing those first two things.  So why does New Hampshire find it necessary to outlaw such a thing?  And for that matter, which one is New Hampshire?  I always get it mixed up with Vermont and the only thing I know about Vermont is that is the state that Super Troopers was set in, so they at least have that going for them.  Meanwhile, New Hampshire has to make up some stupid laws in order to get anyone to notice them.  Well, good job, New Hampshire, you finally got someone to notice you for your stupidity.

"However, this is perfectly legal."

Brainfart's Super Bowl Prediction

It's Super Bowl Time!!  So, you know what that means, Brainfart is going to look into the future and give you the outcome of this game:

Sambo's Pick - In order to understand why I'm picking who I think will win the Super Bowl I must tell you a story.  Let's go back to the Fall of 2003.  It's Homecoming Weekend at Clemson and I am in my first senior year (I had two of them!).  It's Friday and a couple friends and I decide to take a break from building our fraternity's Homecoming float (and by building our float, I mean watch pledges build our float) and go take advantage of Happy Hour at a nearby bar.  We head inside and find some bar stools next to an attractive female and her parents.  After a couple of beers, I strike up a conversation with the attractive female's father and find out that he is a Boston Whaler dealer from Baltimore who is also a huge Baltimore Ravens fan and a season ticket-holder.  He tells me how awesome the games are, how much the tailgating rules at Ravens' games, and how exciting it is when Ray Lewis comes on the field and does his crazy dance.  He also gives me his cell number and says that we have to come up to game before the season is over.  What happens next is not entirely clear, but this guy decides to re-live his college days and challenges my friends and I to a shot-drinking competition.  However, because I was talking some shit to the guy, he decides that I should take two shots to his every one.  And because I am an idiot, I gladly accept his challenge.  We were in there for only an hour and a half and not a one of us remembers leaving that bar.  The next thing I do remember is waking up on the couch at my place with a half-eaten pizza on the coffee table, a trash can with vomit in it on the floor, and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory playing on the TV.  My roommate tells me that I came stumbling into the house and demanded he put on Willy Wonka and he made my wish come true because I was too drunk to even turn on the TV, let alone work the DVD player.  I'm also told that I got a ride home from a pledge and that at one point while stuck at a redlight, I leaned out the window of his car and yelled "How Much?" to a coed who happened to be standing at a crosswalk with her parents.  So, because I love that story I am picking the Ravens to win the Super Bowl and I hope that crazy Boston Whaler dealer is out there somewhere pulling for them, too.  Also, there is no way I can pull for a team that has Randy Moss on it.

Baltimore 28 - San Francisco 24

Alex's Pick - By all accounts this game is tough to predict....except for me.  The Ravens have one thing going - Ray Lewis and his direct connection to God.  Or does he?  He talks like a preacher and his speeches inspire players to take their game to a whole new level.  Heck, he even sent a guy to heaven after the last super bowl he was in.  But I think he is actually being worshiped too much thus making him a false idol which is in fact anti-God.  This is troublesome and should put God slightly on the 49ers side.  San Francisco is not a team of angels - their star quarterback is even promoting inking yourself, clearly anti-holy.  But the 49ers don't fake it - they are a group of old fashioned, hard-hitting, gay-hating football players; and even God has to respect that - at least by a field goal. This way God keeps himself from getting too involved, letting the 49ers win, but giving a shout-out to the people who gambled on the Ravens.  Smart play God.

Baltimore 17 - San Francisco 20

"I'm fairly certain that Colin Kaepernick is the reincarnation of Steamin' Willie Beamen."

Finally, A Laser Gun

Do you know when the gun was invented?  The first firearm was thought to have come into existence around 1132 in China and there is even a deception on record 200 years before that.  Now, when do you think the laser was discovered?  Einstein came up with concept nearly 100 years ago, but the first one wasn't observed until the 50's.  And when do you think the first person came up with the idea of a laser-based weapon?  I don't actually know that answer, but I bet it was the instant some Army general heard about the laser in the 50's.  Lastly, why in the hell do we not have functional laser guns?  Well, actually we do...Finally.  The navy says they are only a couple of years away from having laser cannons installed on their ships.  These laser cannons will be able to shoot down threats like missiles and drones and will also be able to disable an enemy's engines (here is a video of just that).  Contractors are also hard at work in developing other weapons that use lasers for other branches of the military.  In fact, the first combat laser was developed 40 years ago but they wouldn't deploy them because they were considered "too cruel".  Once again, why did it take so long to get back around to making these things?  And don't you think Nixon wished he had those things back when we were in the Vietnam War?  Seriously, what was holding back the development of these things?  Did technology finally come to the point where we can create an effective laser gun?  No, because we know they made them back when computers were as big as a house.  I feel like we have been cheated out of Star Wars-like weapons for far too long and it is about damn time they finally made one.  Too bad it will be a decade from now until you can buy one at your local Walmart.

"Star Wars happened "a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..." and they had laser guns, why has it taken this long for them to made on Earth?"