Super Bowl XLVIII Prediction

It's Super Bowl Time!!  So, you know what that means, Brainfart is going to look into the future and give you the outcome of this game:

Sambo's Pick - My mom is a huge Dallas Cowboys fan.  And not one of those bandwagon Cowboys' fans, but a real Cowboys' fan.  She grew up in Texas and if you asked her who her favorite players are, she would say Roger Staubach and Charlie Waters.  That's a real Cowboys' fan.  However, she hates what Jerry Jones is doing with the team.  She used to ask me every Sunday how the Cowboys did and every Sunday I would have to reply that Romo choked or they lost in spectacular fashion.  After a lifetime of pulling for the Cowboys, she has turned her back on them.  Now, instead of asking how the Cowboys did, she asks if Peyton won.  My mom is now officially a Peyton Manning fan, and it is because of this I am picking the Broncos to win the Super Bowl.  It's that simple.  No stats, no comparing match-ups, no logic.  I'm basing my pick entirely on who my mom is rooting for this weekend.  Like those foul-mouthed kids used to say on South Park all the time, "And Go Broncos!", "Yeah, Go Broncos!".

Denver 34 - Seattle 27

"Also, Suri the Siberian Husky wins the Puppy Bowl."

Alex's Pick - I think this is going to be Peyton's FU game to all his doubters...until he realizes he is playing a great pass defense and it's really really cold outside.  It won't be a blowout but if this Super Bowl was a week 6 game everyone would be talking about how crappy it was.

Seattle 20 - Denver 13

"FOOTBAWWWWWWWWL!!!!!"

Who's The Bigger Star? Part 5

Here is a fun post where a compare two actors/actresses, sports stars, TV personalities, etc against each other and determine who is the bigger star.  Let's see who wins this time:

Seth Rogen v. Jonah Hill

Seth Rogen

• Biggest Role:  A Big Goofy Slacker in all of his movies.
• My Favorite Role:  Dirty Randy from The League or Cal from The-40-Year-Old Virgin
• Top Earning Movie:  Monsters v. Aliens ($198.4 million)
• Biggest Flop:  Definitely The Green Hornet.
• Awards:  1 Emmy Nomination (0 Wins)
• Career:  Seth got his start on the Judd Apatow show, Freaks and Geeks, then went on to do the Judd Apatow show, Undeclared.  His first big part in a movie was in Judd Apatow's The 40-Year-Old Virgin and then got his first leading role a couple years later in Judd Apatow's Knocked Up.  Notice a theme yet?  After that, he has stared in a lot of stuff like Pineapple Express, 50/50, and This is the End.  In other words, he is getting a steady string of work with plenty in the works.

Jonah Hill

• Biggest Role:  His character from Moneyball
• My Favorite Role:  Honestly, I really don't have one.
• Top Earning Movie:  How To Train Your Dragon ($217.6 million)
• Biggest Flop:  It's either The Watch or The Sitter, you decide.
• Awards:   1 Golden Globe Nomination (0 Wins), 1 Oscar Nomination (0 Wins)
• Career:  The first time we saw Jonah was in a tiny part in I Heart Huckabees.  After that he played Seth Rogen's sidekick for a couple of years and then got a couple of movies of his own like Get Him to the Greek and The Sitter.  However, recently he has landed roles in a couple of critically acclaimed movies like Moneyball and The Wolf of Wall Street and even got an Oscar nomination for Moneyball.

I really want to pick Jonah Hill because I just don't like Seth Rogen all that much, but his star power is just too big to overcome Jonah's more solid acting resume.  So, even though I don't want to do it, Seth Rogen wins.

"I have no idea what is going on here."

Online Purchasing Destractions

Tons of people buy stuff online now - many more people research pricing and products online before they purchase something.  If, for example, you want a winter jacket you would go to a few sites and sort by men's jackets and maybe even by type or size.  What do you do next when the website returns a giant list of products that match your sort?  You filter them from lowest price to highest price because you are a normal human being.  Logic tells you that if you get some items that match your search criteria you are going to get one of the cheaper ones.  This begs the questions, why the hell is there an option to return your searched items form HIGHEST price to lowest?  Why would anyone want to see the most expensive stuff first, then get progressively more disappointed as you filter down past the high end stuff you can afford to the more economical choices.  Why would I care if Patagonia makes a $700 dollar jacket?  I'll just take the $200 jacket that everyone else in the world has.  I don't even want to know that any piece of clothing over $200 even exists.  In fact, it may as well not even exist given mine and the rest of mainstream America's finances.  So get with it online retailers, no one wants to filter your shit highest price to lowest.

"For $700 I would want something way cooler than this boring jacket"

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 13

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• Did you know that Back to the Future 2 and 3 were released only a couple of months apart?
• Terror Poops are real.  I recently found out that my dog had a cancerous tumor in her jaw (it was removed and she is okay now) and it scared my so bad that I took the largest poop in recent memory shortly after hearing the news.
• Did we ever find out why The Jetsons had to live in cities above the clouds?  Was it pollution?  Nuclear war?  What?
• Hot water freezes faster than cold water.  Look it up.
• Despite being smart enough to be on Jeopardy!, contestants who hunt for a Double Jeopardy! and then fail to use them to their advantage are dumb.
• The "Award for Gayest Name to Say with a Lisp" goes to Bruce.
• Did Brendan Fraser retire?  The last time I remember seeing him was a super fast cameo in the first G.I. Joe movie.
• Where is Old Zealand?
• Why are the words "Analyst" and "Analysis" pronounced so differently despite being so similar?
• Did you know that Stan Lee is 91 years old?
• Does Subway realize that it is the Winter Olympics that is upcoming?  Because they keep showing Summer Olympic athletes in their commercials.
• Is it just me or is plucking out a super-long nose hair really satisfying?
• I wish life had a "10-Second Back" button like my cable remote.
• If Super Mario was an Italian plumber, then why did he never ever use a wrench or plunger as a weapon in any of his games?

"Have you ever noticed that on the original Mario Brothers cover that Mario is falling into a lava pit and about to die?"

NOKW - Man of Steel

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Man of Steel

Basic Plot:  You know, an alien kid grows up on Earth, has superpowers, saves humanity, and falls in love with a chick that is easily a decade older than him.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that they try really really hard for you to notice that they are comparing Superman to Jesus.  The fact that Superman having X-ray vision kind of makes sense, but the laser eyes always confused me.  The fact that a 15,000 year old Krypton ship just so happens to have a suit that fits Clark perfectly and has his family's symbol on it.  The fact that the bad guys' suits are bulletproof for no reason.  The fact that every time Superman gets in a fight with the bad guys he seems to destroy more stuff than he saves.  The fact that Metropolis literally no longer exists after that machine destroyed virtually the entire city.  The fact that the military would allow Lois to ride along in a military aircraft during a critical mission.  The fact that Lois is many miles away from the train station where Superman kills Zod after the final fight scene but somehow she shows up there in less than a minute.  The fact that it was so easy for Superman to kill an indestructible Zod.  The fact that Superman still doesn't seem to understand that putting on a pair of glasses isn't a disguise.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that they go out of their way to show you that when Zod loses his helmet in his first fight with Superman that all of the superpowers he receives from Earth's sun hit him at once and yet right after that, Superman has to fight two other bad guys that already have super-strength and are near invincible while still wearing their full suits.  That is a large contradiction.  Right before this fight scene, we are shown that Superman loses his powers while he is on the bad guys' ship because it uses Krypton's atmospheric conditions, you know the exact same thing that the bad guys' armor/helmet is doing.  They strap down Superman to a table and he can't bust himself out until his holographic father takes over the ship and pumps the Earth's atmosphere throughout the ship and Superman then breaks his bonds with his super strength.  So, how is that the bad guys are super strong during this fight, but don't suffer from the onslaught of the rest of the superpowers hitting them at once.  If anything, they should just be normal Kryptonians in armor and not be super fast and super strong.  And yet, they are super strong/fast and kick a bunch of soldiers' asses.  I am not okay with that.

"The fact that this suit of armor kind of turned me on."

Stupid State Laws - West Virginia 2

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Huntington, West Virginia

"Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse."

While this might be a chivalrous law, West Virginia left themselves a massive loophole.  It only prevents firemen from whistling and flirting with women passing a "firehouse".  What about anywhere else?  What if they take their fire engine for a ride and start cat-calling at women?  Nothing against that.  What about if they walk next door and suggest doing crude things to women in front of the police station?  It's perfectly in their rights.  Good job, West Virginia, you almost came up with a decent law but totally blew it in the wording.

"I'm not sure if this counts, Mike."
"Shut up, rookie and cuff that bastard."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  I saw this comedian on Comedy Central's @ Midnight a couple of weeks ago and thought he was so funny that I would search YouTube for a funny video starring him.  Voila, enjoy the hilarious Ron Funches:

Summary:  I've got nothing other than this guy is hilarious and I really think he should be getting more TV or movie work in the future because of his hilariousness.

The Crow: Wicked Prayer Cast

Every once in awhile I will just happen upon a terrible movie on one of the million movie channels that cable provides me.  Well, I stumbled onto one such movie the other day called The Crow: Wicked Prayer, the fourth sequel to The Crow.  Yeah, there are five Crow movies (with a remake of the original in the works).  What was more surprising, other than that there are five Crow movies, was the cast of this really shitty film.  Let's check it out:

• Edward Furlong - Yeah, that annoying kid who played John Conner in T2 actually got work after The Terminator sequel, and boy oh boy, was he terrible in this movie.  He was actually cast as the Crow and not only was his acting atrocious, but he is a really small guy making it even less believable that he was a bad-ass undead vigilante.
• David Boreanaz - You may know him as that guy on the FOX show Bones.  In this movie, he played a Satanic cult member who was trying to become the anti-Christ.  In other words, the complete opposite of his character on Bones.
• Tara Reid - This movie was the beginning of the end of Tara's career.  However, I have mentioned this before but I had to repeat it, in one scene in this movie, Tara's character pokes the next actress's eyes out with a knife, which was really surprising.
• Emmanuelle Chriqui - Sloan from Entourage did this movie before she was known as Sloan from Entourage.  Speaking of which, how is it that the only movie I've seen her in since Entourage was that terrible Adam Sandler movie where he played an ass-kicking hairdresser?
• Danny Trejo - You know, Machete.  I saw the first Machete and it rivals The Expendables as the "Biggest Piece of Shit That Somehow Got an Even Shittier Sequel" Award of the past decade.
• Macy Gray - I think she is a singer, but I do remember her being in the first Tobey Maguire Spider-Man.  She was the entertainment during the parade scene where we see the Green Goblin for the first time.  So, she has that going for her.
• Tito Ortiz - I only threw him in here because I've heard his name on Sportscenter for being some sort of bad-ass Ultimate Fighter.
• Dennis Hopper - If you've seen this movie, then you know that the only reason Dennis did this movie was for some drug money.  He totally phoned it in as the head of the bad guys.  However, he was so bad that his character was kind of awesome.

"I still don't know why she dated E on Entourage."

Who's The Bigger Star? Part 4

Here is a fun post where a compare two actors/actresses, sports stars, TV personalities, etc against each other and determine who is the bigger star.  Let's see who wins this time:

Robert Downey Jr v. Christian Bale

Robert Downey Jr

• Biggest Role:  Iron Man
• My Favorite Role:  Harry Lockhart from Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
• Top Earning Movie:  The Avengers ($623.4 million)
• Biggest Flop:  I'm not sure because he did a lot crap while he was recovering from drug addition that I never saw, so I will say Due Date because that movie just wasn't that funny.
• Awards:  5 Golden Globe Nominations (3 Wins), 2 Oscar Nominations (0 Wins), 1 Emmy Nomintation (0 Wins)
• Career:  RDJ started off really strong with movies like Weird Science and Back to School, followed by one season on SNL in 1986, then got an Oscar nomination for playing Charlie Chaplin in a biopic.  But then drugs set in and he did a whole lot of crap for about 15 years until he got his break in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.  After that, he hit it big with Iron Man, then Sherlock Holmes, and he hasn't looked back.  Nowadays, he is one of the most profitable actors in Hollywood.

Christian Bale

• Biggest Role:  Batman
• My Favorite Role:  Batman
• Top Earning Movie:  The Dark Knight ($534.9 million)
• Biggest Flop:  That stupid dragon movie, Reign of Fire.
• Awards:  2 Golden Globe Nominations (1 Win), 2 Oscar Nominations (1 Win, 1 Pending)
• Career:  Chris (we're cool like that) got his start in the Spielberg film Empire of the Sun about a kid who has to live in a Japanese POW camp during WWII when he was only 13 years old.  The first big movie people took notice of him as an adult was American Psycho, but then he got cast as Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins and his career really took off.  Since then he has won an Oscar and has been in some truly great movies.  Next up, he will be playing Moses in the Ridley Scott's newest epic.

Batman v. Iron Man.  You know what, this one is really tough.  Based off of RDJ's ridiculous recent success, I feel like he should probably win, but those 15 or so years of substance abuse (one time he woke up from a crazy night of hard drugs in his neighbor's kid's bed) and terrible movies, I just can't pick him.  Sure, his Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes movies are great, but that's just not enough to beat out Batman.  If you ask me this question ten years from now, the answer might be different, but in the end I went with Christian Bale.

"Honestly, this picture was what really won it for Christian."

Picture Perfect

When you support a school or team, you want to surround your stuff with their merchandise.  You may even have a man room where you display all of these things and may even be able to get away with wearing a jersey if you are over 30.  Typically, I tend to look for unique items because I do not have a big area to display collectibles.  As a Georgia Tech graduate and basketball fan, who better to represent GT's basketball history than Chris Bosh.  So, you could imagine my excitement when I saw the Georgia Tech store was having a sale on a framed Bosh plaque.  When I clicked on the link, I imagined the picture they would use.  Bosh was a power inside presence who was most remembered for his huge dunks and monster blocks.  Any one of ten images came to mind that I saw when he was at Tech.  Then the page came up.  Yikes. A fade-away jumper?  I have a lot of questions about this.  Why a jumper?  Why a fade-away?  Why does he have a face like he is dunking on someone?  Why is he shooting a fade-away if there is no one guarding him?  Also, looking at the background there are green seats - there are no green seats in Georgia Tech's basketball arena so this is an AWAY game! Why not use a picture with the home crowd behind him?  So tragic.  Try again Tech.

"#fail."

Christopher Nolan's Casting Decisions

As incredible as Christopher Nolan is at making movies, he has one big weakness - he is terrible at casting his female leads.  Let's take a look:

• Memento, Carrie-Anne Moss - Yeah, Christopher Nolan directed this movie.  And Carrie-Anne Moss is that chick from The Matrix and while she might be a decent actress, all I can ever think of when I see her is "meh".
• Batman Begins, Katie Holmes - There is a reason she had to be replaced in the sequel.  She might be nice to look at, but her performance was lacking.
• The Prestige, Scarlett Johansson - Another nice actress to look at, but she just couldn't pull off playing an English woman in the 1800's.  Also, considering Nolan cast a Brit as Superman and Batman, you would think he would find it easy to cast a Brit as a Brit in a movie set in Britain.
• The Dark Knight, Maggie Gyllenhaal - I've said this numerous times and I will say it again, she is the only reason this movie wasn't seriously considered for a Best Picture Academy Award and I actually applauded when she was blown up.
• Inception, Ellen Page - There is just something about Ellen that just didn't seem right for this movie.  I think she did okay, but Nolan could have easily cast someone better.  And I almost put the actress who played Leo's dead wife on here, but she actually played a crazy lady really well, plus she is our next entry.
• The Dark Knight Rises, Marion Cotillard - I think it's her accent that irks me.  She plays crazy very well, but the whole love interest side plot didn't sit well with me and was completely unbelievable.
• Man of Steel, Amy Adams - Amy Adams is a really good actress, you have to be to get 5 Oscar nominations.  However, she made a terrible Lois Lane.  Apparently she didn't read any of the source material and she was one of the many reasons this movie didn't quite live up to the expectations.

That's not a very good track record if you ask me.  His new movie, Interstellar, comes out this summer and he cast Anne Hathaway and Jessica Chastain as the female leads.  Will they be the right actresses for the movie?  As of right now, that answer is probably no, but I do like both actresses and maybe they will pull it off.  For whatever reason, Christopher Nolan seems to be able to do everything right but casting women when it comes to making movies and I just do not know why.  The only one he got right was Anne Hathaway in The Dark Knight Rises, but that's it.  So weird.

"I found this picture a long time ago and finally made a post that at least mentions The Dark Knight Rises and had to finally include it.  It is pretty cool though."

Random Movie Trivia - Roger Rabbit

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

• Since the movie was being made by Disney, Warner Brothers would only allow the use of their biggest toon stars, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, if they got an equal amount of screen time as Disney's biggest stars, Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. Because of this, both sets of characters are always together in frame when on the screen.
• Bob Hoskins said that his young son wouldn't talk to him for two weeks after seeing the movie.  When asked why, his son said that he couldn't believe that his dad worked with cartoon characters and didn't let him meet them.
• Tim Curry auditioned for the role of Judge Doom, but after seeing the audition all of the producers thought he was too terrifying to cast for the part.
• At the time of filming, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? had the highest estimated budget ($70 million) of any movie made in the 80's.
• Robert Zemeckis stated in an interview for a newspaper that Bill Murray was his and producer Steven Spielberg's original choice for the role of Eddie Valiant but neither could get in contact with him in time. Bill Murray states in interviews that when he read the interview he was in a public place at the time but he still screamed his lungs out, because he would have definitely accepted the role.
• Robert Redford, Harrison Ford, Sylvester Stallone, Jack Nicholson, and Ed Harris were all considered for the part of Eddie Valiant.  Chevy Chase and Eddie Murphy both turned the role down.
• The three ingredients of the dip which 'kills' toons, (turpentine, benzene and acetone) are all paint thinners which are used to remove animation from cells.
• Christopher Lee turned down the role of Judge Doom.  John Cleese expressed interest but Spielberg didn't think a former member of Monty Python would be taken seriously as a villain.
• If you watch closely, Christopher Lloyd (Judge Doom) never blinks when he is not wearing his sunglasses.
• The weasel's names are not mentioned in the film. They are Smart Ass (who is the leader), Psycho (in the straight jacket), Stupid (in the striped shirt), Greasy (the "suave" one in green), and Wheezy (the smoker).  There were going to be two more (Slimy and Sleazy) to parody the Seven Dwarfs, but they didn't get put into the movie..
• Paul Reubens (aka Pee-Wee Herman) auditioned for the voice of Roger Rabbit.

"Thanks, Bill Murray."

Stupid State Laws - West Virginia

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

West Virginia

"No children may attend school with their breath smelling of 'wild onions'."

Wild onions?  Do wild onions even smell worse than regular onions?  I would like to think that that answer is 'who the hell cares, they both smell bad'.  And for that matter, why only children attending school?  Why not co-workers?  Or loved ones attending family functions?  I sure don't want to roll up on Thanksgiving and have to endure my brother's stank breath.  If you are going to make a law outlawing smelly breath, you might as well knock out all of the possibilities and not just schoolkids.  You really blew this one, West Virginia.  Step up your game.

"Oh shit!  Wild onion breath!  I am so fucked."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  This was a DVD extra on one of Marvel's movies (I'm not sure which one) and it takes place in-between Iron Man 2 and Thor.

Summary:  Basically, this is what Agents of SHIELD should be doing, but for some reason, they have yet to figure it out.  That and they need to actually bring in more superheros.  Everyone on that dumb show is normal except for a couple of guys who have some of Captain America's super soldier stuff in them and if they gave us more comic book stuff, it would way better.  However, I will say that they nailed the casting of the two ladies who play the eye candy.  That British cutie is smoking hot.

All-Time Domestic v. All-Time Worldwide Box Office

Last month, I did a comparison of the All-Time Highest Grossing Movies v. Inflated Highest Grossing Box Office.  This week I thought I would tackle the Domestic All-Time Box Office v. Worldwide All-Time Box Office and then throw in a couple of random tidbits.  Enjoy (dollar amounts in millions):

Domestic

• Avatar (2009) - $761
• Titanic (1997) - $659
• The Avengers (2012) - $623
• The Dark Knight (2008) - $535
• Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) - $475
• Star Wars (1977) - $461
• The Dark Knight Rises (2012) - $448
• Shrek 2 (2004) - $441
• E.T. (1982) - $435
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006) - $423

Worldwide

• Avatar (2009) - $2,782
• Titanic (1997) - $2,187
• The Avengers (2012) - $1,519
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011) - $1,342
• Iron Man 3 (2013) - $1,215
• Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) - $1,124
• Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) - $1,120
• Skyfall (2012) - $1,109
• The Dark Knight Rises (2012) - $1,084
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006) - $1,066

-No other Pirates of the Caribbean movie beside the 2nd one is higher than 38th domestically, however the dumb 4th one is somehow 12th in worldwide box office.
-Trivia Question - what R-rated movie is the highest grossing of all-time?  Answer - The Passion of the Christ.  Who saw that coming?  And not only is it the highest grossing R-rated movie all-time, it grossed almost $100 million more than the next movie on the list (The Matrix 2).
-Harry Potter 7-2 is 18th domestically, but the next highest on the list is 33rd.
-If you noticed, the top 3 and bottom 2 on both lists are the same, but out of the other 5 on the Worldwide list, Skyfall did the worst domestically ranking 42nd.  Apparently, James Bond is much more loved overseas.
-Why is a Transformers movie on the Worldwide list?  The first one was pretty good, the second one sucked balls, and the third was pointless.  Which begs the question - why make a 4th one?  Oh yeah, the 3rd one made a billion dollars.
-James Cameron is a monster at the box office.  He owns the top two spots on both lists and it's not even close on the worldwide list.  He truly is "King of the World"...... -wide box office.

Excessive Force on a Baby

That title is not great - the baby in question is one Justin Bieber.  So maybe it was not a bad title because he is a baby.  This story describes the police detaining the Biebs and his friends in the garage of his house while they raided his house...for egging a neighbor's house!  Seriously, they were looking for egg cartons!  There must be literally NO crime in that area to take up eleven squad cars for an egging.  Also, in case you didn't know Bieber was a total douche and one of his friends got arrested for having drugs on him.  That friend's name was Lil Za.  For real.

The most impressive part of this story is that the people in that neighborhood have so much clout that if someone eggs their house there will be eleven cop cars on your lawn at 8:00AM the next morning.  The story lists some big name celebrities that live in that neighborhood but I am betting there are several other way way larger names than that.  As the great Chris Rock once said, "Shaq is rich...the white man who signs his check is wealthy".  I bet a lot of those white men live near Bieber, how else do you explain such excessive force for something high school kids do on the weekends for fun?

"Put me down bro.  I'm a badass."

Top/Bottom 5 Movie Roles - Tom Hanks

I came up with a new regular post idea.  This new post will be where I pick a random actor or actress's Top 5 and Bottom 5 Movie Roles (I assume the post title gave that away).  This won't necessarily be the chosen actor or actress's best roles, but a combination of their best and my favorite.  In other words, if there is a tie, I'll go with my favorite.  Also, I won't actually be ranking them, they will be in a random order.  Lastly, this isn't these actor's or actress's best movies, but their best characters.  Let's get started:

Tom Hanks

Top 5
Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own - "There's no crying in baseball" and "Did anyone ever tell you, you like a penis with a little hat on?" sum up why I liked this character as much as did.
Forrest Gump, Forrest Gump - It's as Robert Downey Jr's character said in Tropic Thunder, Tom Hanks didn't go "full retard" and that's what made his character so great in this movie.
Josh Baskin, Big - As awesome as Tom was in this flick, it is still disturbing to think that Hanks's love interest was 20 to 30 years older than Josh Baskin.  What do you think went through her mind when she saw Josh turn back into a kid?
Carl Hanratty, Catch Me If You Can - The accent is what did it for me in this movie, on top of this being a very enjoyable film.
Chuck Noland, Cast Away - The guy lost 50 pounds and grew an awesome beard for this flick.  That's true dedication.  The movie itself wasn't that great, but his character was spot on.

Bottom 5
Robert Langdon, The DaVinci Code - I honestly don't know what I disliked more - this movie or Tom's haircut in this movie.  While this role has turned into a franchise (the 3rd one is in production), I really don't like this character even though I enjoy the books.
Joe Fox, You've Got Mail - I had to include one of his romantic comedies and I picked this one because it was a blatant attempt to cash in on the Hanks/Meg Ryan combo from Sleepless in Seattle.
Michael Sullivan, Road to Perdition - I saw this movie once and thought it was really dumb.  It just wasn't the kind of movie or role that fits Tom and I still don't know why he picked it.
Professor G.H. Dorr, The Ladykillers - If you've ever seen this movie, then I don't need to say anything more.  Pure garbage.
Viktor Navorski, The Terminal - I just don't know what to say about Tom's role in this movie other than they made a full length film about a guy being stuck in an airport when in reality this movie shouldn't have been longer than about 20 minutes.

"Did they dye his hair?"

Who Is This? Part 7

So, who is this?  This might be the toughest one yet.  I'll give you a pretty big hint - losing his horse, Artex, in the Swamp of Sadness might be one of the saddest moments in movie history.  That must have done it.  That up there is Noah Hathaway who you might know as Atreyu from The Neverending Story.  Look at him down there with his horse that is about to drown in a tear jerking scene:

Yeah, I don't see it either, but they are the same guy.  So, what has Noah been up to since riding Falkor around Fantasia?  A whole lot of nothing but that is his IMDB photo up there, so I guess he has been doing some acting since The Neverending Story.  I did see that he did a movie in 1986 called Troll where he played a character named Harry Potter.  Crazy, right?

NOKW - Godzilla

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series where I point out things in a movie I can tolerate and then one thing I just couldn't (if you want, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Godzilla (1998)

Basic Plot:  A crappy movie about a giant lizard.

I'm Okay With:  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that they cast Matthew Broderick as the lead in a Godzilla movie.  The fact that Godzilla thought New York was the perfect place to create its nest and not some deserted island.  The fact that they couldn't find Godzilla during the chase scenes considering it is a 300-foot tall lizard.  The fact that the mayor of New York kept complaining about having to evacuate the city even though it was being destroyed by a giant monster.  The fact that this movie was just a blatant attempt to cash in on the Jurassic Park success.  The fact that Godzilla was able to burrow under the city so easily considering its size.  The fact that Godzilla was able to lay so many eggs in such a short period of time.  The fact that the baby Godzillas were nothing but Velociraptor rip-offs.  The fact that the baby Godzillas were so easily foiled by a floor covered in gumballs.  The fact that Godzilla somehow was able to lay an egg inside of Madison Square Garden's locker room.  The fact that this movie sucked so hard that Hollywood thought remaking another American version would be a good idea.

"The fact that they made Godzilla look nothing like Godzilla."

Stupid State Laws - Washington 10

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Seattle, Washington

"Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term."

Once again, Washington, you and your silly laws.  I don't know what I think is dumber - that this is a law at all or that the penalty is SIX MONTHS IN JAIL!  Okay, clearly it's the second thing.  You can go to jail for this?  WHY?!?  I can only come up with one reason, sitting on pervert's boner without a pillow would hurt said pervert's woody and therefore a woman should be jailed for it.  Wait, that makes even less sense.  Shouldn't the man go to jail for being a pervert?  Yes, he definitely should.  Damn it, Washington, what in the hell do you do all day besides think of more and more ridiculous laws to make?  Apparently nothing.

"Well, they may not be on a bus, but that man is clearly suffering.  Throw her in lockup!"

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  James Franco challenges Stephen Colbert to a Tolkien Knowledge Competition.

Summary:  SCHOOLED!  Stephen Colbert is such a badass Tolkien fan that Peter Jackson gave him a part as an extra in the second Hobbit movie.

"He was one of the disgruntled citizens of Laketown."

NFL QBs Named Matt....

....suck.  For some reason, there are a lot of quarterbacks in the NFL with the first name Matt.  And all of them suck at playing the position.  All of them!  To prove my point, I made a list of these Matts.  Let's explore:

• Ryan - Matt Ryan has had some success in the league and even made it to the NFC Championship last year, but as a whole, his career has sucked.  He has one playoff win and since losing his best receiver this year, the Falcons have gone from first to worst in their division.
• Stafford - This guy was drafted first overall in 2009 and has had a so-so career to date.  Basically, he couldn't stay healthy his first couple seasons, has a 24-36 career record, and if he didn't have the best receiver in football (Calvin "Megatron" Johnson), he would suck even more than he does now.
• Schaub - The best way to sum up this guy is by this stat - he owns the NFL record for consecutive games throwing a pick-six with four.
• Flynn - Somehow he owns all of the Green Bay Packers' single game passing records which he translated into a huge contract with the Seahawks only to be beaten out by a rookie for the starting job, then was traded to the awful Raiders, lost the job again, got cut, went to the awful Bills, got cut, and is now on the Packers again, all in the span of two years.  Pure suck.
• Lienart - The only thing this guy has going for him is that he won the Heisman in 2004.  In 31 career NFL games, he has 800 fewer passing yards and 32 fewer touchdown passes than Peyton Manning has through 14 games this season.
• Moore - After seeing him on Hard Knocks last year, I actually came to like this guy because he is one goofy bastard, but that doesn't make him a good quarterback.  In fact, he has never been the starter for a full season and is a career back-up for the most part.
• Hasselbeck - This is the only guy who has started in a Super Bowl and actually had some pretty decent seasons with the Seahawks.  Also, I'm fairly certain he has more play-off wins than the rest of the QBs on this list combined (5).  However, he has basically been a back-up for the past two seasons which means he currently sucks.
• Cassel - Just like Matt Flynn, this guy translated one good season with the Patriots into a big contract with the Chiefs but sucked pretty hard when he got there.  He is currently the back-up in Minnesota and can't even beat out noodle-arm Christian Ponder.
• Barkley - If Barkley had gone into the draft after his junior season, he would have been drafted in the Top 5, but he stayed an extra season and fell all the way to the 4th Round the next year.  I feel like that should wrap up why he sucks pretty easily.
• McGloin - This guy currently starts for the Raiders and the Raiders suck.  The end.
• Simms, Blanchard, Brown, Scott - I grouped these guys together because I have no idea who they are, but they showed up in a search I did for QBs named Matt and I thought they should be included.  Considering I have never heard of any of them should tell you all you need to know about their suckiness.

That's 14 guys named Matt who "play" quarterback in the NFL and the only one who was any good is a 38 year old backup today.  In other words, if you are thinking about having a son who you want to play quarterback one day, for the love of the football gods, do not name him Matt.

"Instead, name him Peyton."

P.S.  I finished 9-7 with my College Football Bowl Picks and I couldn't be happier.  Sure, some of that is because Clemson won the Orange Bowl, but it's also because picking bowl games is a total crap-shoot and finishing above .500 is pretty impressive.  I'll take it.

Who's The Bigger Star? Part 3

Here is a fun post where a compare two actors/actresses, sports stars, TV personalities, etc against each other and determine who is the bigger star.  Let's see who wins this time:

Matt Damon v. Ben Affleck

Matt Damon

• Biggest Role:  Jason Bourne.
• My Favorite Role:  It has to be his cameo in Eurotrip
• Top Earning Movie:  The Bourne Ultimatum ($227.5 million)
• Biggest Flop:  Definitely Stuck on You.
• Awards:  5 Golden Globe Nominations (1 Wins), 3 Oscar Nominations (1 Win)
• Career:  Matt had a couple of little roles before playing the title character in Good Will Hunting and winning an Oscar with Affleck for writing that movie.  Since then he has had a pretty incredible career playing Private Ryan, Mike from Rounders, one of Ocean's 11, and finally striking it big with Jason Bourne.  He's not afraid to take cameos like Eurotrip or his awesome part on 30 Rock.  Also, he once gained a lot of weight for his role in The Informant and has gone on to do other acclaimed movies like The Departed.  Not too shabby.

Ben Affleck

• Biggest Role:  Ummm.....I guess it's Argo.
• My Favorite Role:  Honestly, I don't know, so I'm going with his role in Dazed and Confused.
• Top Earning Movie:  Armageddon ($201.6 million)
• Biggest Flop:  Tough call considering some of the garbage he has done, but I'll go with Gigli.
• Awards:  4 Golden Globe Nominations (3 Wins), 2 Oscar Nominations (2 Wins)
• Career:  Ben's career has been really weird.  After Good Will Hunting, he got a big part in Armageddon and it looked like he was going to be the next big thing in Hollywood.  But then he kept making terrible movie decisions like Reindeer Games, Daredevil, and finally Gigli.  After his fall from grace (and his terrible choice in Jennifer Lopez), he kind of disappeared for a few years until he got behind the camera and remade his career as a director capping it off with a Best Picture win last year with Argo.  Today, he is hot again and even won the part of Batman in the upcoming Superman sequel.  Some people hated that he got cast as the Caped Crusader, but I disagree.  Affleck had some really low lows, but equally high highs so it's hard to figure out what to make of his career.

These two started their careers together and it was only fitting that they went head to head in this post.  You would think that Matt Damon would run away with this thing, but Affleck's recent years have really made this decision a little harder.  However, in the end, I just can't pick the guy who thought marrying Jennifer Lopez was a good idea and Damon won, but not as easily as I thought it would be.

"Yup, this is my favorite Matt Damon character."

Movie Sequels, Prequels, and More - Part 10

Another look at Hollywood's hilarious concept of upcoming movies, meaning that they have run out of ideas and they can only come up with another round of prequels, sequels, and remakes and nothing original.  In this case, we will be looking at all of the video games that are in production to become movies:

• Pet Cemetery - I never saw the first or second Pet Cemetery, but because Hollywood seems to be obsessed with remaking classic horror movies, we are getting another stupid remake.
• Peter Pan x 3 - Yup, not one, not two, but three Peter Pan movies are in production.  Hilariously, all three will focus on the origins of the guy in green tights.  You would think that if one was already being made, the other two studios would rethink making the exact same movie.  But Hollywood is stupid and we are getting three.
• Tarzan - Apparently the blond vampire from True Blood will be playing the title character in this movie.  Do we need another Tarzan?  Nope.  Does Hollywood seem to care that we don't need another Tarzan?  Hell no.
• Naked Gun - Why?!?  There is no way to remake this movie and make it better.  Leslie Nelson is irreplaceable and how Hollywood doesn't see that is beyond.  Ed Helms is taking over the lead role and while he is funny, he is not Leslie Nelson.
• Shakespeare in Love 2 - Sooooo, Shakespeare finds love again?  This just seems pointless.
• Rounders 2 - I actually love this idea.  What happened to Mike after he left for Vegas?  Does he strike it big?  Will we see John Malkovich back with that ridiculous accent?  All very good questions and a decent idea for a sequel.
• The Raid 2 - Actually, I really liked the first movie (The Raid: Redemption).  The fight scenes were incredible and I have high hopes for this movie which is set two hours after the first one ended.
• The Crow - Did you know that in one of The Crow sequels, there is a scene where Tara Reid pokes Emmanuelle Chriqui's (Sloan from Entourage) eyes out with a knife?  Yeah, that happened.  Anyways, this is a remake of the original starring Luke Evans (Bard from The Hobbit) as Eric Draven.  I loved the original (the sequels not so much), so I might actually watch this one.  Plus I really like Luke Evans for some reason.
• Swingers 2 - This one makes no sense to me.  The reason the first one worked is because all of the actors were reasonable young at the time, but now Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau are in their 40's and the idea of them picking up chicks in a casino seems wrong.
• Alice in Wonderland 2 - At first I thought "Why?!?", but then I remembered that the first movie somehow made a billion dollars.  Money blinds logic when it comes to making movies I guess.

"I don't see the resemblance either, but Hollywood apparently does."

Movie Remake Ideas

Last week, I wrote about some movie sequels that should be made.  This week we will be looking at a couple of remakes that have some potential:

• Zorro - It turns out that I wrote this idea down in my notebook and then learned that they actually are making a Zorro reboot.  So, maybe I do know what I'm talking about.....then I read that the Zorro reboot would involve the title character traveling to a futuristic post-apocalyptic world.  What?!?  That's not Zorro.  Zorro is Antonio Banderas running around making jokes and sword-fighting, not a Zorro that does parkour in slow-motion.  For some reason I watch the Banderas' Zorro movies every time they come on and I'm already pissed that a reboot is being made that takes everything about those movies, throws it out the window, and creates a steaming pile of shit instead.  Shame on you, Hollywood.
• Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - A lot of people didn't like the version they made awhile back that starred the Hobbit and The New Girl, but I actually liked it.  I love the books and I know it's really hard to translate how funny the books are to the big screen, but they really should give it another go, the premise is just to good.  Maybe it would be a better idea to just make the sequel, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe (which if you haven't read the books, is literally a restaurant that allows its diners to watch the universe end and not on the edge of the universe).  Either way, I really want another Hitchhiker's Guide movie.
• Gremlins - I'm actually somewhat shocked that they haven't remade this movie already.  However, I'm afraid that if they do remake it, they will screw it up and make it more of a horror movie and not as silly as the first one.  If they do remake it (and we all know they will), they better stick to script of the first one and make it more funny than scary.
• Point Break - Oh wait, they already did this one, but instead of surfing, it was street racing and instead of Keanu Reaves, it was Paul Walker (I wrote this before he died.  RIP Paul) and was called The Fast and the Furious and somehow spawned six sequels.  Never mind.  (Side Note - they actually are remaking this and Gerard Butler will be playing Patrick Swayze's character)
• He-Man - It's about damn time they gave us a He-Man movie that didn't suck as bad as the 1987 Dolph Lundgren version.  Sure, He-Man is pretty dated and nobody but middle age guys will actually know who he is, but I don't care, I want to see this movie.
• The Neverending Story - With today's CGI, a remake of this movie would look pretty amazing.  Could you imagine a Rockbiter and a Falkor whose lips actually match the dialogue?  On top of that, they can cast an actor that isn't as annoying as the original Bastian.  I would definitely go see a remake of this movie.

"To this day, I still don't know how he was able to stop that thing on a dime like he did."

Random Movie Trivia - Beetlejuice

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Beetlejuice

• Michael Keaton only spent two weeks filming his part in the film which only lasts 17.5 of the 92 minutes of the movie.  It's his favorite movie that he is in.
• The snake scene had already been filmed before Keaton had been cast and the original snake looked nothing like him, so they had to go back and do some stop-motion work to fix the scene.
• The studio disliked naming the movie "Beetlejuice" and wanted to go with "House Ghosts".  As a joke, director Tim Burton suggested calling the movie "Scared Sheetless" and was horrified when the studio actually considered it.
• The original script was a horror film, and featured Beetlejuice as a winged, reptilian demon who transformed into a small Middle Eastern man to interact with the Maitlands (Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis) and the Deetzes (Lydia's family). Lydia (Winona Ryder) was a minor character, with her six year old sister Cathy being the Deetz child able to see the Maitlands. Beetlejuice's goal was to kill the Deetzs, rather than frighten them away, and included sequences where he mauled Cathy in the form of a rabid squirrel and tried to rape Lydia. Subsequent script rewrites turned the film into a comedy and toned down Beetlejuice's character into the ghost of an wise cracking con-artist rather than a demon.  Good call.
• Catherine O'Hara replaced an ill Anjelica Houston for the role of Delia.
• Because of the movie's box office success, a sequel was written called Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian.  Keaton and Winona signed up for the movie, but Tim Burton lost interest and went on to direct the first two Batman movies.  Luckily, a sequel is finally in the works today.
• Tim Burton wanted Sammy Davis, Jr. to play Beetlejuice, but the studio didn't go for it.  The studio wanted Sam Kinison, but his agent failed to tell him about the part.  Also considered for the part was Dudley Moore.
• Juliette Lewis auditioned for the role of Lydia.  Diane Lane, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brooke Shields, Molly Ringwald, and Jennifer Connelly all turned it down.
• Spaceballs, Big, and Caddyshack 2, and Beetlejuice are the only PG movies to feature the word "fuck".

"The 80's were a weird time."

Stupid State Laws - Washington 9

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

Seattle, Washington

"You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length."

I want you to read that law again.  Now think about the absolute ridiculousness of it.  Even if you were to own a weapon over six feet in length, that's not exactly concealable.  Even if you were Andre the Giant, there is no way that you could walk around with a six foot weapon and it not be noticeable.  You would have a massive bulge running the entire length of your body!  So, why in the hell would anyone need to make a law to make it illegal to conceal weapons over six feet in length?  Oh, and what if you went to court and argued that your weapon was actually six feet in width?  According to that law, that would be perfectly okay.  Washington, every time I think you can't outdo yourself, you throw another stupid law at me.

"Don't give me a thumbs up, sir.  We both know that your sword is over six feet and you are under arrest."
"Yes, but I'm not concealing it."
"Damn it.  Well, then you are under arrest for being a douche."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Well, ummmm, it's the most unracist racist commercial ever:

Summary:  It had to be for a southern company, didn't it?  My favorite part is that last line, "and Hispanic people, too" "And everyone".  I'm still not sure if this is a goof or not, but I can only assume it is actually real and that the people making it didn't see how ridiculous the concept truly was.  Either way, it is pure comedy gold.

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 12

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• I can't wait to see a 70 year old guy that thought when he was young it would be a good idea to cover his entire body in tattoos.
• Do you know what was the first full-length movie Tim Burton directed?  That would be Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.  I still watch that every time it comes on.
• With the lack of lakes in LA, why didn't the Lakers change their name when they moved from Minnesota?  This still makes no sense to me.
• Are Michael Bolton and Michael Bay the same person?  They kind of look alike, they both have the same first name and the same first letter of their last names, plus I doubt anyone has ever seen them in the same room before.  Prove me wrong.
• Jacqueline Kennedy........meh.
• I wish I could send a camera back in time so that we could see what historical figures actually looked like.  Was Cleopatra as sexy as history tells us?  Was Napoleon really a dwarf?  Did Jesus really look like he does in paintings or did he look like a guy from the middle east, you know, like where he was from?
• If the same character read the same book in both The Neverending Story 1 and 2, then how is it possible that the two movies weren't exactly the same?
• Is it legal to own a human skeleton?
• If any of the Hall of Fame voters don't vote for Greg Maddux this year then they should no longer be allowed to vote.  He is easily the greatest pitcher of his generation and if he doesn't get 100% of the votes, then the guys who didn't vote for him obviously don't know what they are doing and should never be allowed to vote again.
• I really want to know what went through the first caveman's head who looked up at the sky and wondered what the sun was.
• Did you know that the movie Willow was directed by Ron Howard?  And did you know that the heads on the two-headed dragon were modeled after Ron's brother, Clint?

"See.  Perfect match."

Brainfart Crush of the Month - January

At the beginning of every month, we here at Brainfart will be bringing you our Brainfart Crush of the Month!  Sometimes it will be someone you have heard of, sometimes it will be just a random hottie you may have seen before, and sometimes it might be my neighbor.  Who knows!  Let's see who we picked this month:

This is Mariel Booth.  She is a model and actress.  You may recognize her from this State Farm commercial where she believes everything she sees on the internet.  It's that commercial where she says the line "He's a French model" as you walks off with a nerdy-looking dude wearing a fanny pack.  I picked her this month because this picture is currently my desktop background, plus she's really hot.

Happy BOOBS Year!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!!!!!!"