Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  The NFL kicks off this week and everyone likes a good blooper reel, so here is one:

Summary:  Funny stuff.

The New Batman

If you haven't heard by now, Christopher Nolan has announced that Ben Affleck will be playing Bruce Wayne/Batman in the upcoming Superman sequel.  A couple of weeks ago, I put out a list of people who I thought would make a good Batman and guess what?  Ben Affleck was not on my list.  And based on what I've been reading, internet nerds are really upset about this casting.  However, after thinking it over I think Ben will do a decent job of it.

First, let's look at why Ben Affleck is being hated on for taking the part.  The biggest problem is that no matter who Nolan picked, nobody was going to live up to our expectations after Christian Bale's take on the role.  So that already puts Affleck in a bind.  Next, Affleck was really really bad is his only other movie based on a superhero.  You all know which movie that is.  Daredevil.  And he was really really awful in that movie so people are just assuming he is going to fuck this one up, too.  With those two strikes against him, I can see why people don't like him taking over the cape and cowl.

Now, here are the positives.  When he did Daredevil, it was in the height of his Jennifer Lopez days and people found those two really annoying and it probably made people hate anything he did at the time, even if that movie was terrible no matter what.  Next, has anyone watched his more recent stuff?  The Town and Argo are award-winning films and Affleck was great in those movies on top of the fact that he was also the director.  I really feel like he has grown up since then and his effort as Batman will be completely different from his effort as Daredevil.  Last, people freaked the hell out when Christopher Nolan cast Heath Ledger as The Joker in The Dark Knight and do you remember how that turned out?  Yeah, Nolan knows what the hell he's doing so maybe we should give him the benefit of a doubt on this casting as well.

Oddly enough, Affleck might not be catching nearly as much shit as Michael Keaton did when he was cast as Batman back in the day and Keaton freaking nailed the part (and to make things ironic, fans were pissed when he didn't sign up to do a third Batman movie).  I really feel like we should give Affleck a chance.  Sure, he's not going to be as good as Christian Bale, but that was already a given no matter who took the role.  Plus, this is going to be a Superman movie with Batman in it, so maybe we are just blowing this out of proportion to begin with and should just chill the hell out and let Christopher Nolan do what he does, which is make incredible movies.

"This actually makes sense."

Weekly Picks of the Week - Week 1

Picks in Bold

Rankings based on Coaches Poll
All lines provided by Sportsbook.ag

North Carolina Tar Heels @ #7 South Carolina Gamecocks (-12.5)

Thursday 6:00
ESPN

Mississippi Rebels @ Vanderbilt Commodores (+4)

Thursday 9:15
ESPN

Mississippi State Bulldogs @ #14 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-13)

Reliant Stadium, Houston
3:30
ABC/ESPN2

Virginia Tech Hokies (+21.5) v. #1 Alabama Crimson Tide

Georgia Dome, Atlanta
5:30
ESPN

#5 Georgia Bulldogs @ #8 Clemson Tigers (+2)

8:00
ABC

#13 LSU Tigers (-5) v. #20 TCU Horned Frogs

Cowboy Stadium, Dallas
9:00
ESPN

-Welcome back to another season of me blindly picking college football games against the spread.  Last season, I had a winning record, so maybe I do know what I'm doing.  Then again, I could have just gotten lucky.  Having said that, I will warn you that the hardest week to pick games (other than picking bowl games) is Week 1 because no one really knows how good a team is and picking these games truly is blind luck.  However, I will do the best I can or your money back.

-Now is where I want to talk about a game from last season.  Clemson lost to South Carolina at home in their last regular season game and I have a very solid reasoning as to why (and it's not because the Gamecocks were the better team, they can suck it).  It was because the home crowd was thrown off of their game by the time kickoff started.  For the past two or three season, all Clemson home games were either scheduled at noon or 3:30.  However, the South Carolina game was played at 8:00 and Clemson fans treated the game like it was a 3:30 start and didn't pace their tailgating accordingly.  In other words, I feel like the crowd was actually too intoxicated by the time the game started and the usual electricity I feel in the air before games just wasn't there.  It's hard to explain but when I asked friends and family, they actually agreed with me that something was missing and that something was the home crowd not being there for the team when they were needed most.  The scariest part about this theory is that this year's opening game against 5th ranked Georgia starts at 8:00 also and I'm slightly worried the crowd will fuck it up again.  I'm crossing my fingers that that doesn't happen.

-Alright, enjoy the first week of college football.

Last Week's Results: 0-0
Season Results: 0-0

"This GIF made me laugh."

Comics-are-a-Con

How are comic books as popular as they are?  I understand that they have great story lines full of intrigue set against the classic good versus evil.  However, there is no other thing in life where people are so accepting of starting in the middle.  Try going to a comic book store and asking to read the Batman series from the beginning, starting from issue number one.  You will be laughed out of the store.  Want to see how Superman begins?  That 1938 number one issue will cost as much as $2.16 million!

Most of the medium level comic book kids have never seen the first hundred or so issues - that has to be infuriating.  My own interlude into the comic book world lasted about a week.  I went to a store and decided I liked a dude named Dr. Strange so I bought a few comics.  They were really good but it was liked being dropped into the middle of a TV show.  I know there are zombies everywhere in Walking Dead but I want to know how that came to be.  With that thought I went back and asked for the first one.  The comic attendant (do they have a name?  Even Starbucks coffee bitches have a cool name!) told me he didn't have it but he could get it for $150.  That is crazy, i just want to read some stories bro.  That is the cost for the first issue for a comic not that many people have ever heard of - they only go up from there.

The early issues of comics should be re-released just so people can read them and not have to save all of their lives to check them out.  That is why people make fun of comic book nerds - the nerds are the only ones who know what happens in them and when they spit facts all over you the normal people just throw barbs (bags of pee) back at them and walk away.  Embrace the new culture comic books - print them all for cheap.

"Boo"

2013 College Football Preview

Oh yeah, it's college football time!!!  So we here at Brainfart are going to give you a glimpse into the future and let you know who is going to win the Conference and National Championships.  Well, all of the good conferences because I don't even know who in the hell plays in the Big East anymore:

	Sambo	Alexatgt
ACC Coastal	UNC	Georgia Tech
ACC Atlantic	Clemson	Clemson
ACC Champ	Clemson	Clemson
SEC East	Georgia	S. Carolina
SEC West	Alabama	Alabama
SEC Champ	Alabama	Alabama
Big 12 Champ	Texas	Oklahoma
Big 10 Leaders	Ohio St	Ohio St
Big 10 Legends	Michigan	Michigan
Big 10 Champ	Ohio St	Ohio St
PAC 12 North	Stanford	Stanford
PAC 12 South	Arizona St	Southern Cal
PAC 12 Champ	Stanford	Stanford
	National Championship
Team 1	Alabama	Alabama
Team 2	Stanford	Louisiville
Winner	Stanford	Alabama

Top 5 Teams That Might Put A Stop To The SEC's National Championship Streak:

Sambo

5) Clemson - This is definitely a homer pick, but Clemson does have the schedule that if they make it through undefeated would get a shot at an SEC team in the championship.
4) SEC Schedule - The SEC is really good and these guys might just pick each other off and keep one of their own teams out of it.  Then again, Alabama is only playing two Top 25 teams based on their current schedule, so how tough could the SEC really be?
3) Stanford - Three words: Barry Sanders Jr..
2) Ohio St - Urban Meyer used to coach in the SEC and won two National Championships while there, so he knows how to coach and isn't scared of the boys down south.  And technically, had Ohio State been eligible for post-season play last year, the SEC's run would already be over because the undefeated Buckeyes would have played Notre Dame instead of a one-loss Alabama for the title.
1) NCAA Infractions Committee - I probably shouldn't have put these guys this high because they really suck at their job, but if there is one thing I do know, the SEC definitely cheats and maybe the NCAA will accidentally find something on the eventual champion.  Basically what I'm saying is that the SEC will probably continue their streak this season.

Alex

5) Ohio State - A team can get going for one big game, and if they meet expectations and go undefeated again the championship game could be their only big game in two years.
4) Mark Emmert - Conspiracy Theory Alert!  Emmert, president of the NCAA, wants to cause a major controversy to get the attention off of how terrible he is.  He accomplishes this by getting refs to totally screw Alabama in the championship game to the point that whoever beats them feels bad.  Unfortunately for Emmert, this only creates more heat on the NCAA which leads to the big five conferences pulling out and starting their own organization.
3) Oregon - They probably came the closest to ending the SEC championship run against Auburn and they still have the same system in place.  Oregon has to hope that their new coach is as good in-game as Chip Kelley was.
2) Louiville - They start the year high enough in the polls to slowly make their way up to number two.  They play NO ONE at all and should easily go undefeated.  They also have the firepower, especially on offense, to score with Alabama.
1) SEC East - Alabama is going to be better in the national championship game than anyone they play, especially given the amount of time Saban has to prepare for that one game.  The biggest threat to Bama is losing the SEC to a team from the East.

"FOOOOOTBAWL!!!!"

NOKW - Magic Mike

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Magic Mike

Basic Plot:  Channing Tatum and Matthew McConaughey are male strippers and then not a whole lot really happens other than some stripping and some chick gets mad at Channing for corrupting her little brother but then later bangs him.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that I actually saw this movie and kind of liked it despite it being about male strippers.  The fact that you get to see Olivia Munn's boobs in this movie.  The fact that Mike thinks of himself as a good businessman, but also thought he could get a bank loan by just sweet-talking the loan manager.  The fact that Mike's main love interest looks very 'meh' in a bikini and they still cast her.  The fact that Mike works three or four job during the day and then strips at night and still finds time to sleep.  The fact that during a hurricane all of the main characters have big party instead of fleeing or boarding up their homes.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that when Magic Mike quits stripping as Matthew McConaughey's main stripper, McConaughey promotes the new guy as his new number one instead of one of the four other guys that have been there a long time.  I don't blame you if you haven't seen this movie, but it wasn't that bad and at the beginning, Mike works with four other guys at McConaughey's strip club.  At one point, Mike befriends a guy who is down on his luck and introduces him to the world of make stripping.  At the end of the movie, Mike gets fed up with McConaughey's bullshit and quits.  So what does McConaughey do?  Does he promote one of the other four strippers to be his main guy?  No, he gives the job to the least experienced and biggest fuck-up of the group (I should mention that the new guy was selling ecstasy while stripping at private events which led to him being hunted by the dealers when he lost the drugs).  That's just bad business and we all know it's going to end badly when the new guy does something else stupid.  I am not okay with that.

"And yes, Matthew McConaughey does say 'All right all right all right' at least once in this movie."

Stupid State Laws - South Dakota

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

South Dakota

"It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory."

There is only one thing I really want to know about this law.  Was it created because an employee went to sleep on the job?  Or did a random drunk hobo wander into a cheese factory and pass out on the floor?  I really hope it's the second one because that would be hilarious.  Imagine being a cheese factory worker the day a smelly homeless dude opened the door, walked to the middle of the factory, pissed himself, burped, probably vomited, laid down in his own puke, scratched himself, farted, and then started counting sheep until he was asleep.  What would you do?  Would you kick him while he was asleep?  Or would you wuss out and tell a manager?  Either way, I really hope they made this law because of wandering inebriated vagrants.

"Well, she's asleep but she isn't lying down.  What do we do in this situation, rookie?"
"Knock her over and arrest her?"
"I taught you well."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Nerdy school, freshman welcome speech - I'm betting mostly Star Wars and computer chips.

Summary:  The good: Not too shabby.  Pretty solid intro.  Also apparently it is OK to say "ass" now - I am sure the Georgia Tech powers that be OK'd this speech.  The bad:  Full disclosure - I am a Georgia Tech grad.  Couldn't they have shown a more diverse section of the crowd?  Maybe a girl or two?  We are trying to get are rep up!  (Sambo Note - what girls?)

Movie Stars' Wives

Some movie stars have dated or married some real hotties.  For example, George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio seem to go through a new Victoria Secret model each year and Brad Pitt bagged an albatross with Angelina Jolie.  However, there are a couple actors out there that seem to have gone the other way for some reason.  Let's take a look at a couple of examples:

That is the star of the Transformer movies, Josh Duhamel, and his wife, Fergie.  I'm sorry, but I find her hideous.  She is one plastic surgery away from looking like a scary cat woman.  He really could do better (no homo).

And here is Wolverine and his mom.......just kidding, that's his wife.  What in the hell, Hugh?  That lady looks like she is about two years away from serving cookies to the neighborhood kids as they try to sell her magazines for their schools.  I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to say that Hugh is a pretty good looking dude, but come on, buddy, you could do A LOT better.

Random Movie Trivia - Batman

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Batman

• The casting of Michael Keaton as Batman/Bruce Wayne caused so much controversy among comic book nerds, I mean, fans that over 50,000 protest letters were sent to Warner Bros. Studios.
• Alec Baldwin, Jeff Bridges, Emilio Estevez, Matthew Broderick, Kevin Costner, Tom Cruise, Michael J. Fox, Harrison Ford, Robert Downey Jr., Kevin Spacey, Patrick Swayze, Dennis Quaid, Kurt Russell, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Bill Murray, Pierce Brosnan, Tom Selleck, Daniel Day-Lewis, Tom Hanks, Kevin Kline, and Bruce Willis were considered for the role of Bruce Wayne/Batman.
• Sean Young was originally cast as Vicki Vale but she broke her collarbone while filming a scene when she fell off of a horse.  The director, Tim Burton, suggested replacing her with Michelle Pfeiffer, but she and Michael Keaton were currently dating and Keaton thought it would be too awkward, so they eventually went with Kim Basinger.
• In the original script, Bruce Wayne was described as man with "muscles on top of muscles and scarred from nightly combat".
• Robin Williams, Willem DeFoe, David Bowie, John Lithgow, Tim Curry, and James Woods were all considered for The Joker.  In the end, they went with Jack Nicholson but he demanded top billing and a lucrative deal that gave him royalties on all merchandising and a percentage of the box office.  He ended up taking home $60 million.
• Also, Robin Williams was offered the role when Nicholson hesitated.  When told that Williams would get the role, Nicholson took it and Robin was let go.  Since he was anger about being used as bait, Williams refused to play The Riddler in Batman Forever and to never work for Warner Bros. until they apologized.
• Billy Dee Williams played Harvey Dent and signed a contract to play Two-Face in any future movies.  The studio bought him out when they cast Tommy Lee Jones for the role in Batman Forever.
• Another version of the script included Dick Grayson and his family performing at the big parade at the end.  Dick's family was going to be killed and Dick was going to be seen suiting up as Robin at the end of the movie.  Kiefer Sutherland and Eddie Murphy were considered for the part.
• Adam West said that he was disappointed he wasn't asked to reprieve his role as Batman.  I should note that he was over 60 years old at the time, did he really expect to get the part?
• Michael Keaton said that while wearing the Batsuit, he couldn't hear a thing.
• Vicki Vales screams roughly 23 times throughout the movie.
• This is the only live action Batman movie to feature only one villain.

"So close to really making this movie suck."

The NCAA Does Not Rule Well

For the upcoming college football season, there are several rule changes.  The most publicized one is the targeting rule where if a player leads with his helmet into a defensive player's head there is a 15 yard penalty and you are thrown out of the game.  That is not a bad rule though it seems a bit harsh, I would prefer a review after the game and suspend them the next game or games.

An actual good rule that I can't believe wasn't a rule until now is that two players on the same team cannot wear the same number.  How was that legal until this year!?!?  How did not one exploit the hell out of that?  If I am Saban I am coming out of the tunnel with everyone in number 21 jerseys.  Good luck matching up without knowing who is who.

This is the new rule that I have an issue with.  Here is the official rule:

"to establish three seconds as the minimum amount of time required to be on the game clock in order to spike the ball to stop the clock. If one or two seconds remain on the clock, there is only time for the offense to run one more play."

Just to make sure I have it right, the NCAA is saying that there has to be at least 3 seconds on the clock to spike the ball.  You can say hut and spike a ball in under 3 seconds?  This is totally absurd.  I cannot wait for a big game to come down to a last second drive, hit a big pass into field goal range and spike it with 2 seconds left to kick the FG only to have it overruled because that is not possible.  I suppose I could see one second just so the home town clock operators don't influence anything but three seconds is way too long.  Duke threw a full court pass to Laettner who took one dribble, faked right, then went left for the shot to win the game in only one second.  Three seconds is an eternity.  I find it hard to understand the need for this rule.  If there is a question of when the ball was spiked just go to the replay - that's why it's there.  Way to screw it up again NCAA.  These rules are so terrible they should pay players to deal with them!

"Here's a hot chick with a football for no reason."

Morning Wood Again

I made this post over a year ago but decided that it is something everyone should know.  So, I will be re-posting it once a year until everyone is privy to this important piece of information:

While this may be an uncomfortable topic for some, I recently read something fascinating about Morning Wood and I thought the world should be more informed.  Do you know the actual reason as to why guys sometimes wake up with a Stub Chub?  No?  Well, it's because their Fun Gun actually raises to attention about every 85 minutes while they sleep and lasts for about 25 minutes.  Basically, if you wake up with a Morning Glory, it is because your Happy Gilmore just so happened to be at full mast during one of its normal nightly cycles.  Being a guy, I feel like I should have known that my Long Dong Silver did this at night by this point in my life.  It would have cleared up a very big question I had about my Pocket Rocket while growing up.  Well, I just thought the world should be more informed about a dude's Pitched Tent when he wakes up in the morning.  You're welcome.

"These should also do the trick."

NOKW - POTC 3

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End

Basic Plot:  Captain Jack Sparrow and gang are back again for the third installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean series.  This time they have to fight...well, everyone, I think.  At least it feels that way.

I'm Okay With:  The fact-that at the beginning of the movie, Kiera Knightly and Barbosa roll up on that pirate HQ in Asia and find that Will Turner is able to hold his breath for a really really long time, seriously, he should be dead for as long as he is held under in that water barrel.  The fact that Davey Jones would follow the bad guys' commands even if they held his heart hostage.  The fact that the bad guy thought just a couple of guards would be enough to watch Davey Jones's heart.  The fact that Elizabeth Swan was voted Pirate King and no one had a problem with this considering she had been a pirate for all of three days.  The fact that pirates would even need to have a king when they are generally just unaffiliated groups of thieves.  The fact that nothing about the plot made any damn sense.  The fact that Calypso is freed, makes a storm appear, and then is never heard from again despite being a god.  The fact that Will Turner and Kiera Knightly stay together even though he can only see her every 10 years and he will never age while she continues to age at a normal rate.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the final scene where the Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman pull to either side of the bad guy's boat and blow it up defies all logic and every ship should have exploded in the resulting melee.  Play that video below and fast forward to about the 2:50 mark and you will see what I mean.  There are cannonballs flying all over the place and yet none of them seem to hit anything but the bad guys' boat.  Based on those cannonballs trajectory and speed, a lot of them should just pass through the middle boat and annihilate the good guys' boat on the other side.  But somehow it doesn't and that has always pissed me off when I watch this movie.  I am not okay with that.

"Go to the 2:50 mark to see what I'm talking about."

Stupid State Laws - South Carolina 4

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

South Carolina

"When approaching a four way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop 100 ft from the intersection and discharge a firearm into the air to warn horse traffic."

I really hope this law is still in effect because I broke it four times just running to the gas station this afternoon.  Wow, this is just hilariously stupid.  But why does the motor vehicle have to warn the horse traffic?  It's not like the guy on the horse will be going nearly as fast as the motor vehicle.  On top of that, don't they have stop signs?  Do you really need to warn anybody if you have to stop at a stop sign?  No.  You don't.  Sure, this law may have been created back when stop signs didn't exist but I looked it up and they were standardized in 1922.  Cars couldn't have been around that long when the stop sign showed up and this being South Carolina, cars probably didn't show up until like the 60's (it is the South).  This law is hilarious and I would love to see a cop enforce it today.

"No, we are not arresting you because you are black, sir.  We arresting you because you didn't fire a weapon in the air before entering that intersection back there like the law says......and because you are black.  This is the South after all."

Saturday's Video of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  Ever wonder what would happen if you spliced together all of the McBain clips from The Simpsons into one?  Let's check it out:

Summary:  Yeah, it actually kind of makes a real movie with a beginning, middle, and end.  Who knew?

SyFy Movies

Did anybody watch the incredibly titled SyFy original movie, Sharknado, this month?  I sure as hell didn't, but it did cause me to look at the other movies that SyFy has produced and replays randomly throughout the week.  So, I looked through the channel guide and composed a list of these hilariously titled movies and thought that listing that movies description would make you all laugh as much as I did when I read them.  Let's do this:

• Dragonwasps - An entomologist's mission to find her father in the jungles of Belize turns more dangerous than she could have ever imagined when she and a group of soldiers are attacked by giant fire-breathing wasps.
• Mongolian Death Worm - The title is enough for this one.
• Axe Giant - Teens at a correctional boot camp are terrorized by the legendary lumberjack Paul Bunyan.
• Super Shark - A monstrous, bulletproof shark that can walk on land menaces a beach community.
• Triassic Attack - Three dinosaurs wreak havoc on a small town and a local university after the owner of a kitschy roadside museum accidentally brings three fossils to life.
• Mutants - A sugar manufacturer hires a scientist to create an addictive substance, which, instead, turns people into killer mutants.
• Sand Sharks - Prehistoric sand tiger sharks attack a wild beach party following and underwater earthquake.
• Seattle Superstorm - A scientist and a soldier must save the world from deadly storms triggered by a UFO.
• Dinoshark - A dinosaur-shark hybrid terrorizes a resort in Mexico, and it's up to a young fishing boat captain to stop it.
• Sand Serpants - American soldiers take on man-eating worms in addition to the Taliban.
• Dinocroc vs. Supergator - That picture below should explain everything.

"Which one is Dinocroc and which one is Supergator?  I honestly can't tell."

Random Movie Trivia - Zoolander

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

Zoolander

• The non-graphic orgy scene was originally longer but had to be shortened in order to get a PG-13 rating.
• The film was banned in Malaysia because the plot revolved around assassinating the Malaysian Prime Minister.
• A running joke throughout the movie is that Zoolander cannot turn left and if you watch closely, you notice that whenever his character is supposed to turn left, Ben Stiller would twirl to the right until he is facing the direction he was trying to go.
• Ben Stiller had several family members play parts in the movie: His wife Christine Taylor (Matilda), father Jerry Stiller (Maury Ballstein), mother Anne Meara (protestor who hits Mugatu with an egg), sister Amy Stiller (one of Hansel's friends in his loft), and brother-in-law Mitch Winston (Director of the infomercial).
• Owen Wilson (aka Hansel), had to wear a wig during the movie because he was also filming Behind Enemy Lines where he had to keep his hair short for the role.
• Vince Vaughn plays Zoolander's brother, but he has no dialogue and is uncredited.
• The part of Mugatu was originally written for Andy Dick, but he couldn't do the movie because of prior commitments.  However, he still had a small part in the film, he played the ugly masseuse.
• Did you know that Paris Hilton is in this movie?  Zoolander says hey to her as he is walking out of the VIP Room shortly before the "Walk-Off" scene.
• Ben Stiller wrote David Bowie's part of judging the "Walk-Off" without knowing if he could actually get him for the movie.
• The "Blue Steel" look came about because Stiller's wife would constantly make fun of the look on his face when he would comb his hair in the mirror.
• Zoolander's line where he says "But why male models?" a second time was actually ad-libbed because Ben Stiller forgot his line.  David Duchovny ran with it and that scene made it into the movie.
• And in case you haven't seen this movie in awhile, one of Zoolander's friends that dies in a "freak gasoline fight accident" is played by True Blood's Alexander Skarsgard (he plays the vampire Eric Northman).

"OBEY MY DOG!!!"

When Old People Are Too Loud

Why do old people have their phone ringers so loud?  It is so assaulting on the senses when they blow up and everyone within a few miles can hear it.  Then they always talk loud when they answer.  It really is not too far off from this video:

Classic.  I think the older you are the more you distrust technology so you don't trust the phone to make itself heard and you don't trust it to transmit your voice properly.  While all that is annoying the worst thing is when the volume is all the way up on a phone and you have the keyboard sounds on.  I can see you typing - why do I have to hear it too?  Why do you have to hear it?  You can already see the letters when you type them.  Makes no sense.  Anyways, cool it with the loud phone noises old people.

Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts - Part 6

Here comes the next edition of Truly Random Brainfart Thoughts (click here to see the others).  Basically,  these are a bunch of random thoughts that came to mind that I couldn't really expand on and thought I should just make them into list form for your enjoyment.  Here goes:

• Do you think the "N Word" refers to something completely different in Germany than it does in the US?  Hint: It starts with "N" and ends in "azi".
• I need to clear something up.  When you say that you are doing something "Next Monday", that means that you are referring to two Mondays from now and not the upcoming Monday.  The upcoming Monday would just be referred to as "Monday".  Now you know.  Knowledge is Power!
• Is the money worth it to be in an AIDS Home Test or Vagisil commercial when whenever someone recognizes you from that ad they will just assume you have AIDS or a smelly vag?
• Did you know that in baseball when a pitcher is intentionally walking a batter that the catcher cannot step out from behind the plate until the ball leaves the pitcher's hand or it will be called a balk?  Watch for it next time you are watching a game.
• Why do car companies and sports video games always release their new models/seasons four or five months before the year of that new model/season actually begins?
• I have 6 keys on my key chain and only know what 2 of them are for.
• With fans voting for the MLB All-Star Starters, why hasn't there been a campaign by some nerds to get a really crappy player voted in to start?
• How is it that dragons can breath fire?  And where does their endless supply of flammable liquid come from?
• Same question, but with spiders and their webbing?
• Can dogs see of even hear a TV?  Or is it that they can hear it but just ignore any weird noises coming from a TV?
• Does ESPN even know the definition of "Breaking News"?  Because Alex Rodriguez appealing his suspension is NOT breaking news.
• Why would the designers of the USS Enterprise put the bridge in such a vulnerable spot on the ship?  Wouldn't it make more sense to put it in the deepest part of the ship and just put up a video screen so that they could see space?
• What is the stupidest possible name someone could change their name to?  The answer is Metta World Peace.  And if you are his teammate, wouldn't you just continue to call him Ron?

"Seriously, I feel like a dragon could only breath fire once before he would have to refill his flammable liquid supply.  But no, somehow it is infinite.

NOKW - Demolition Man

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Demolition Man

Basic Plot:  Sylvester Stallone is a cop from the past who is frozen for some stupid reason and is thawed out decades later to help stop Wesley Snipe from wreaking havoc on the peaceful city of San Angeles (or was it Los Diego).

I'm Okay With:  The fact that the movie starts out with an action scene that would make a great scene for a movie I would rather watch than this movie.  The fact that Stallone goes to ice prison for a crime that Wesley Snipes's committed.  The fact that the freezing process looks really really painful.  The fact that freezing prisoners and than releasing them back on the world still in their prime seems ridiculous instead of letting those same prisoners waste away in a prison and releasing them when they are old men.  The fact that the phrase "Murder Death Kill" is redundantly stupid.  The fact that this might have been the best role of Wesley Snipe's career.  The fact that this movie takes a dark turn if you pretend that Sandra Bullock's character is Sly's character's long lost daughter because they definitely hint that this might be the case and yet they bone at the end.  The fact that those tickets Stallone gets for cursing will probably never be paid.  The fact that this movie is basically one big Taco Bell advertisement.  The fact that Jack Black has a really small part in this movie.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that I still don't know what those three fucking shells in the bathroom are for.  If you haven't seen this great cinematic work yet then just know that you are missing out on great art.  In any case, a running joke throughout the movie is that Stallone goes to take a dump and instead of toilet paper there are three seashells (see picture below).  But what in the hell are these seashells supposed to accomplish when wiping your ass?  According to the DVD commentary, you are supposed to use two of them like chopsticks to open your ass cheeks and then use the third one to wipe.  WHAT?!?  That doesn't solve the problem at hand mostly because I don't see how a seashell's shape is supposed to help wipe your butt.  On top of that, do you throw the seashells away after you are done because there is definitely going to be a lot of poop all over the place?  And if they throw them away after each use, wouldn't that be more wasteful than just using toilet paper?  Yes.  It would.  I am not okay with that.

"I feel like there should poop all over that little seashell shelf."

Stupid State Laws - South Carolina 3

Here comes another post about a state law that still exists on the books and why it is ridiculous (to see them all, click here):

South Carolina

"It is a capitol offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide."

I'm sorry but this law brings to mind one very big question - what if the offender is successful?  I know suicide isn't a subject anyone should joke about, but this law does baffle me.  If someone inadvertently kills someone else while committing suicide and that person does actually succeed, are they still charged with the crime of murder?  And if they are charged with a capitol offense, what exactly is the punishment?  They are already dead.  On top of that, if someone doesn't succeed in their suicide attempt and kills someone on accident, isn't the punishment of death exactly what they were trying to do anyways and therefore actually did succeed in killing themselves?  Yeah, kind of a pointless law.  If anything, they should make sure the offender is locked up for life in a padded cell and forced to live out their life to the fullest.  So stupid.

"There is no way to make a photo about suicide funny, so here is John Travolta shooting that guy in the face in Pulp Fiction with his eyes closed instead."

Saturday's Video Of Saturday

Here is our weekly funny video post.  Let's see what we got for you guys:

Set up:  A wild animal decides to have fun on a trampoline:

Summary:  Too bad he forgot he weighs a couple tons.  I love how he is almost mad that the trampoline even exists.  He must destroy it.  I also love that whoever posted this video spelled trampoline "trampilene".  Nice.  Animal videos are the best.

Who Is This?

Anybody?  Who is this guy?  I'll give you a hint - "The human head weighs 8 pounds".  Figure it out yet?  That is Jonathan Lipnicki, he played the little kid in Jerry Maguire.  Yeah, that is that little kid as he looks today.  Crazy, right?  Because he used to look like this:

Well, it turns out that he is still acting and he will be starring in SyFy's upcoming movie, The Bering Strait Beast, in September.  So, stay tuned for that because if it is anything as awesome as Sharknado (and I used the word "awesome" incorrectly there), then this movie should be ridiculous.

Random Movie Trivia - The Terminator

Here is the next edition in our weekly Random Movie Trivia post.  Enjoy:

The Terminator

• O.J. Simpson was considered for the part of The Terminator but the producers thought he was "too nice" to play a cold-blooded killer.  How funny is that?
• Also, Mel Gibson, Tom Selleck, Kevin Kline, Michael Douglas, and Randy Quaid turned down the title role.
• In the original script, James Cameron wrote that the Terminator had to eat periodically in order for his human flesh to survive.  There was a scene depicting the killer robot eating a candy bar with the wrapper still intact.
• The beginning of production was delayed 9 months because Arnold Schwarzenegger was still filming Conan the Destroyer.  James Cameron didn't want to just wait around, so he took on another project that turned out to be Aliens.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger wanted to play the part of Kyle Reese but James Cameron told him "this movie is not about the hero.  It's about the Terminator" and history was made.
• Linda Hamilton broke her ankle prior to production and had to have her leg heavily wrapped for all of the chase scenes.
• Schwarzenegger's famous line "I'll be back" was originally scripted "I'll come back".
• One day during a break in filming, Arnold went to grab a bite to eat at a nearby restaurant but forgot that he was still in his Terminator costume complete with a missing eye, exposed jawbone, and burned flesh.
• The role of Sarah Conner was written for Bridget Fonda, but she turned it down.  The role then went to Tatum O'Neal but they decided they needed an older actress.  Kate Upshaw and Kathleen Turner were suggested but they were filming Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Romancing the Stone respectively.
• Susan Sarandon, Glenn Close, Rhea Perlman, Sigourney Weaver, Cybill Shepherd, Jane Seymour, Anjelica Huston, Kim Basinger, Jodie Foster, Melanie Griffith, Christie Brinkley, Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn, Jamie Lee Curtis, Ally Sheedy, Jessica Lange, Sissy Spacek, Liza Minnelli, Mia Farrow, Meg Ryan, Heather Locklear, Jennifer Grey, Madonna, and Margot Kidder were all considered for the role of Sarah Connor.
• Schwarzenegger only has 16 lines in the whole movie.
• The body bag Kyle Reese is put in at the end of the movie is actually just James Cameron's suit bag.
• While filming the final scene of the movie (Sarah Conner driving off into the distance), the crew was approached by a policeman who wanted to know if they had a permit to be filming which they didn't.  A special effects supervisor lied to the cop by telling him they were just shooting a scene for his son's student film.

"So funny when you think about it."

NFL Fatties Hall of Fame

I would like to induct two people into the NFL Fatties Hall of Fame.  One of them just got into the real NFL Hall of Fame - Jonathan Ogden.  He is a large man listed at 6'9" and 345 pounds!  Whoa.  If you question that kind of mass, take a look at the picture below of him and other giant Hall of Fame inductees:

He is the one in the middle that makes Warren Sapp (far right) look teeny tiny at 6'2" and 300 pounds.  Ogden also had plenty of skill to go with his girth.  He went to the Pro Bowl every year of his career except his rookie year.  In college at UCLA he allowed 2 total sacks in his junior and senior years.  If Ogden doesn't want you to touch his quarterback, you do not touch his quarterback.  One more bonus picture - this guy was a high-schooler at one point in his life. Try and guess which one he is:

The second inductee is going to have to be Bryant McKinnie.  He would be in this Hall of Fame just based on his nicknames which Wikipedia lists as "Chubby McChubbins" and "Big Lazy".  Classic.  He is listed at 6'8" and 360 pounds which is a giant lie - most think he is much closer to 400 pounds.  He has been a solid NFL player but was one of the best college lineman at University of Miami.  McKinnie did not allow a sack in high school, junior college, or at Miami.  That is totally ridiculous.  His college career low-light was when he got a holding penalty (the only one he got at Miami) against Dwight Freeny.  Very Impressive.

"I have the biggest bones you ever seen."

Commercial Campaigns That Need To Go Away

There are some commercial campaigns on TV that have long gone past their expiration date.  Oddly enough, the one where that guy interviews some kids is still funny despite there being one every single commercial break.  However, I compiled a list of some commercials that really need to go away.  Let's do this:

• Flo - I think Flo is advertising insurance or something, but I have no idea what insurance company it is for, so obviously this commercial is not doing its job.  In any case, Flo is really getting on my nerves.  She seems to show up constantly and stopped being funny (not that she ever was) long ago.  Put a stop to this lady as soon as possible, random insurance company.
• Vikings - Capitol One has had these guys pillaging (and I assume raping) for way too long.  How long has this gimmick been on the air?  It feels like a decade and that is about 9 years too long.
• Geico Gecko - Seriously Geico, I think you guys have been milking this little guy long enough.  Do you not have any other ideas?  Hell, at this point I would welcome back the Geico Cavemen.
• CarFax Car Fox - And this is the third insurance company on this list, do these guys all have the same marketing people?  The Car Fox is annoying and pointless.  And now that I think about it, I guess CarFax isn't an insurance company.  Plus, does anyone ever actually use these guys?
• Astronauts - The astronaut meme in commercials started only back in February with that Axe commercial during the Super Bowl and since then I have seen astronauts in Charter, Old Spice, Cheeto, and Burger King ads.  Put an end to this thing before it really gets out of hand.
• Messin' With Sasquatch - Leave that damn Sasquatch alone.  It was funny the first time you tortured him, but they must be on their 100th different prank by now.  Plus, don't you think that big guy would stop trusting humans by now?  How dumb is he?

"Is it me or did Jack Link's steal the bigfoot costume from the movie Harry and the Hendersons?"

NOKW - National Treasure 2

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Basic Plot:  The sequel to the surprisingly entertaining National Treasure.  This time Nick Cage, his sidekick, and his woman set out to find some ancient city of gold or something.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Nick Cage's sidekick somehow owes more in taxes than the amount he was taxed on.  The fact that the US found their piece of the treasure map in their desk and didn't either tell the Brits about it or try and steal the second piece for themselves.  The fact that Nick Cage was able to abduct the President so easily.  The fact that the Secret Service would allow the President to go into a room alone with a random guy who they hadn't been invited to the party they were out even if the President insisted that they not follow him.  The fact that they try to pass off a clearly German woman as an American.  The fact that it is not entirely clear whether Nick Cage and his woman are married or were just living together in a ridiculously large mansion.  The fact that Nick Cage and his woman clearly are incompatible unless they are hunting for treasure.  The fact that a crappy traffic camera was able to clearly show enough detail so that Nick Cage could get a picture of the treasure map before he handed it over to the bad guys in London.  The fact that Nick Cage would just straight up ask the FBI about where the President's Secret Book is located.  The fact that the city of gold is in a cave just behind Mount Rushmore and no one ever found it.  The fact that by finding the city of gold, Nick Cage is not charged with kidnapping the President on top of avoiding any charges that should be placed upon him for breaking into Buckingham Palace.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the bad guys shot at and led Nick Cage and his friends in a high-speed chase through the streets of London, the most highly monitored city in the world, without any repercussions to either group.  There are nearly 2 million cameras in the United Kingdom, a fourth of those are in London alone and somehow the bad guys in this movie were able to shoot up the public streets of London and are not instantly arrested.  Hell, Nick Cage and his team broke into Buckingham Palace, stole a piece of the treasure map from the Queen's chambers, and then were seen on London's cameras while in a high-speed chase and their passports weren't revoked.  How long could it possibly take to look up the license plate numbers of all parties involved, track them to the owners, find out that they are Americans visiting the country, and then immediately notifying the airports to look for them?  It shouldn't take longer than it would for Nick Cage and the bad guys to hop on a flight, but no, they somehow get away.  So, what in the hell are those numerous cameras good for if they can't even track down a couple of idiots who were firing guns all over their city?  I am not okay with that.

"I'm assuming that a producer vetoed Nick Cage in any ridiculous hair options he wanted to go with in this movie."