NOKW - The Replacements

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Replacements

Basic Plot:  Keanu Reeves and a random group of misfits are hired to be replacement players for a professional football team.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that Keanu Reeves is depicted as a quarterback named Shane Falco.  The fact that the two huge lineman fire their guns at the QB-on-strike's car and they don't end up in jail.  The fact that Keanu Reeves doesn't beat the shit out of his kicker after finding out he was planning on missing the climatic field because he owed his bookie a lot of money.  The fact that Jon Favreau is in this movie (he plays the crazy linebacker) and that not many people know that he is also an accomplished director (Iron Man 1 & 2, Cowboys & Aliens, Elf).  And the fact that a bunch of replacement players beat a professional team, which would be like a high school team beating an NFL team, there is no way that happens.

I'm Not Okay With:  The fact that the owner of the team also hired a replacement coach.  Why in the hell would he need to do that?  It is a players' strike, not a coaches' strike.  In fact, during the NFL's most recent Lock-Out, the coaches continued doing their jobs for their respective teams, it was only the players that weren't allowed to enter team premises.  So, why would the owner need a replacement coach?  On top of that, why were there replacement cheerleaders?  NFL cheerleaders make peanuts for their work and can easily be replaced, so if they went on strike, too, wouldn't the team just fire them anyways considering they could be replaced so easily?  I am not okay with that.

"Fooootbawl!!!"

NBA Playoffs

There is only one thing I find entertaining about the NBA Playoffs (which starts this week) and that is that two months from now, you will be watching Sportscenter and see highlights of a playoff game and say to yourself, "What?!?  The NBA Playoffs are STILL going on?  Didn't that garbage start over two months ago?"  Seriously, that is the only thing I find entertaining about the NBA Playoffs, maybe even the only entertaining thing about the entire NBA.  Well, that's all, it's Sunday, sue me.

"You changed your name to Meta World Peace?  More like Meta Stupid.  Ha, I got you good!"

The Simpsons

Is it just me or does anyone actually watch The Simpsons anymore?  I feel like that that show hasn't been funny in over a decade.  The only episodes I would go out of my way to watch is their Halloween special, Treehouse of Horror, but even those are just getting more and more weird and are no longer funny.  I guess it was the other more adult-themed cartoons like Family Guy, South Park, and Archer that really did The Simpsons in, because as soon as those shows hit the air, The Simpsons' humor instantly became outdated.  The fact that the show has been on the air for 23 seasons and has over 500 episodes shows that someone still watches it, but I honestly don't know who these people are.  And do you remember how one of the best parts of that show was seeing what would happen to the family as they entered their house during the opening credits?  Well, I watched a recent episode and that scene alone lasted two minutes and did a parody of Avatar that made no sense.  They either need new writers or they should just ditch the whole thing altogether because FX's series Archer is ten times funnier and quickly making The Simpsons irrelevant.

"However, I will admit that Ralph Wiggum is still hilarious."

Mason at the Beach

In order to tell you about my awesome nephew Mason's trip to the beach, I have to tell you another story to set the tone. This first story starts at his older brother’s football practice, if you can call what 5 year olds practice football. Anyways, when the older siblings “practice”, the younger kids go goof around somewhere the parents can watch both groups. My sister was sitting with all the other parents when she happens to glance over at Mason’s group and sees him standing in the middle of them with his pants down taking a leak. The rest of parents see this and start laughing and my sister says, “When you gotta go, you gotta go” and everyone gets a good laugh out of that.

I told you that story to tell you an even better one. One summer, my sister and her family went to the beach with a couple of other families for a nice vacation. One night, all the parents and kids went out on the beach to go “crab hunting” and the adults were equipped with hand flashlights and the kids with flashlight headbands (I’m totally asking Santa for one of those). When they hit the beach, the group spreads out to cover more ground until at one point, someone spots a crab and everyone gathers around to look at it. As everyone is staring at the crab, suddenly Mason pushes his way through the group to check it out. Now, Mason pushing people out of the way is nothing new, but the fact that he was butt-ass naked was something strange. What was even funnier was that he was completely naked except he was still wearing his flashlight headband. Typical Mason. When asked why he wasn’t wearing anything, he said that he got sand in his pants and took them off and when asked where he put them, he said he had no idea. So just like that, the night went from crab hunting to clothes hunting. That kid is classic.

"That's Mason.  Naked.  On his bike."

Velocity

As you are reading this, how far do you think you have moved?  If your answer was, "Nowhere, you idiot, I'm sitting on my ass reading your stupid question in front of my computer, of course I haven't moved anywhere", then I should phrase it a little differently.  While reading this, how far do you think you have 'traveled'?  If you still answered the same way, then you are wrong because while sitting at your computer, the Earth has been spinning, therefore you have technically traveled quite far.  In fact, the Earth rotates at a rate of 1,046.5 mph (1,6747.4 km/hr, I'm including the conversion rates for our Russian readers, yo comrades).  But wait, not only does the Earth rotate on it's on axis, but it also orbits the Sun (this may sound like I think you are idiots, but just stay with me) at a rate of 18.6 mile per second (29.8 km/sec).  Now let's think a little bit larger because our Sun is also moving at a rate of 137.5 mi/sec (220 km/sec) as it rotates on an arm of the Milky Way Galaxy.  And let's take it one step farther because the Milky Way Galaxy is actually traveling at a rate of 375 mi/sec (600 km/sec) through the Universe, which roughly translates to 32.4 million miles per day (51.84 million km).  That is per day.  It is ridiculous how large the universe truly is.  So, if you are a really slow reader and it took you five minutes to read this, then you have just traveled 112,500 miles through space which is a longer distance than most of us will travel on Earth in our lifetimes.  I don't know where this thought came from (and I swear I don't smoke pot), but it fascinates me and I thought I would share it with you.

"No, not that Milky Way."

Famous Birthdays

Here is a list of the famous people born today (you will see where I'm going with this in a minute):

• Al Pacino - Easily the most famous person on this list and if you don't know who he is, do yourself a favor and go rent Jack and Jill, his best movie ever.
• Jason Lee - He is most recognized as Earl from My Name Is Earl, but I will never forget his awesome character from Mallrats.
• Hank Azaria - He is in a lot of movies, most recently he played Gargamel in The Smurfs, but I will always remember him for doing a lot of voices on The Simpsons (Chief Wiggum, Moe, Apu, etc).
• Meadowlark Lemon - He was the Clown-Prince of the Harlem Globetrotters for 22 years.
• Renee Zellweger - Did you know she dated Bradley Cooper?  Why would he do that, he could do so much better.
• Talia Shire - She played ADRIAN!!!! in the Rocky movies.
• Stu Cook - He was the bass player for CCR, you know, one of the most awesome bands of all-time.
• ME!!!

"Am I the only person who thought Scarface wasn't that good?  Seriously, the only reason to watch that movie is for the drinking game."

Necessary Roughness

Last week, I told you guys about the Greatest Star-Studded Cast in movie history.  This week, I want to discuss something similar.  Do you guys remember the movie Necessary Roughness?  You know, the 90's football comedy with that guy from Quantum Leap, Sinbad, a young Jason Bateman, and a still hot Kathy Ireland.  What?  You still don't know what I'm talking about?  Well, you need to stop playing outside and sit in front of your TV and catch up on some movie watching, you jock.  Anyways, in the movie there is a scene where the hilarious ragtag group of college players plays a scrimmage against a prison team (and no, this isn't The Longest Yard) and then proceed to get their asses handed to them.  Well, I saw this movie again recently and recognized a couple of the guys who played for the prison players and decided to look up who else was on that fictional team.  And wow, check out the ridiculous amount of football talent that was on that team:

• Dick Butkus - 1st Round Pick in 1965 (3rd overall), 8 Pro-Bowls, 2x Defensive POY, NFL 75th Anniversary Team, NFL 60's All-Decade Team, NFL 70's All-Decade Team, Number Retired by the Chicago Bears and the University of Illinois, 1979 NFL Hall of Fame Inductee.
• Earl Campbell - 1st Overall Pick in 1978 NFL Draft, 5 Pro-Bowls, 1978 Rookie of the Year, 1979 MVP, 3x Rushing Champ, 3x Offensive POY, 2x All-America, 1977 Heisman Winner, Number Retired by the Houston Oilers and University of Texas, 1991 NFL Hall of Fame Inductee.
• Tony Dorsett - 1st Round Pick in 1977 (2nd overall), Super Bowl XII Champ, 4 Pro-Bowls, 1976 Heisman Winner, 3x 1st Team All-American, Member of the Dallas Cowboys Ring of Honor, Number Retired by the University of Pittsburgh, 8th All-Time Leading Rusher, 1994 NFL Hall of Fame Inductee.
• Ed "Too Tall" Jones - 1st Overall Pick in 1974 NFL Draft, Super Bowl XII Champ, 3 Pro-Bowls, 1982 Defensive POY, 2x All-American.
• Jerry Rice - 1st Round Pick in 1985 (16th Overall), 3x Super Bowl Champ (XXIII, XXIV, XXIX), 13 Pro-Bowls, 2x NFL Offensive POY, NFL 75th Anniversary Team, NFL 80's All-Decade Team, NFL 90's All-Decade Team, Number Retired by the San Francisco 49ers, 1st All-Time in Receptions, Receiving Yards, Receiving TDs, and Total TDs, 2010 NFL Hall of Fame Inductee.
• Jim Kelly - 1st Round Pick in 1983 (14th Overall), 4 Pro-Bowls, Played in 4 Straight Super Bowls (0 Wins), Number Retired by the Buffalo Bills, Member of the University of Miami Ring of Honor, 2002 NFL Hall of Fame Inductee.
• Herschel Walker - 5th Round Pick in 1985, 2 Pro-Bowls, 1982 Heisman Winner, 3x Consensus All-American, Number Retired by the University of Georgia.
• Randy White - 1st Round Pick in 1975 (2nd Overall), Super Bowl XII Champ, 9 Pro-Bowls, NFL 80's All-Decade Team, 2x All-American, Member of the Dallas Cowboys Ring of Honor, Number Retired by the University of Maryland, 1994 NFL Hall of Fame Inductee.
• Roger Craig - 2nd Round Pick in 1983, 3x Super Bowl Champ (XIX, XXIII, XXIV), 4 Pro-Bowls, NFL 80's All-Decade Team, NFL Hall of Fame Semi-Finalist.
• Ben Davidson - 4th Round Pick in 1961, 3 Pro-Bowls, 1967 AFL Champ.
• Evander Holyfield - 44-10-2 Overall Boxing Record, 4x WBA Heavyweight Champ, 3x IBF Heavyweight Champ, 1 3/4 Ears.

So, that is 6 Hall of Famers, 7 1st-Rounders (2 First Overall Picks), 9 Super Bowl Champs, and 55 Pro-Bowls.  Insane.

"The 90's were not that bad."

NOKW - Indiana Jones 4

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Plot:  That crazy professor/archaeologist is at it again, this time he has a kid and there are Russians and aliens are involved.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that in the opening scene, Indy escapes from the Russians despite being really old and being shot at from point blank range.  The fact that Indy survived a nuclear blast by hiding in a lead-lined fridge and then surviving in that same fridge after it was through the air really far away.  The fact that the studio cast the anti-Harrison Ford to play his son (Shia LeBeouf).  The fact that Indy's son manages to not get impaled while sword fighting against the evil Russian lady despite having no sword training whatsoever.  And I don't understand why a lot of people weren't happy about the plot being about aliens when the last three movies involved a box that could melt people's faces, a stone that could allow the bad guy to rip out still-beating hearts, and a cup that grants immortality.  Speaking of which......

I'm Not Okay With:  In the last movie (ironically named The Last Crusade), Indy and his father successfully hunt down the Holy Grail.  After finding it, both drink from it which gives them immortality meaning they cannot die.  However, in the newest movie, they come right and say that Indy's father is dead.  How?!?  The guy literally cannot die, so how did he die?  Was he hit by a train?  Did he eat lit dynamite to see if it could kill him and it worked?  Was it death by being over sexed by a hundred centerfolds (most likely scenario)?  Seriously, how can an immortal man die?  I am not okay with this.

"What nightmares are made of."

Logos

I've always found it funny how similar the Atlanta Braves and the Alabama Crimson Tide's logos are.  So, I looked it up and the current logo that Alabama uses started in 1962 and the Braves started using their current logo in 1981.  It's as if the Braves copied Alabama's logo, changed a couple things, and then said "Who's going to notice, it's not as if Alabama is anywhere near here."  Years later, someone looked at a map and realized their mistake but it was too late to do anything about it.  And that is my interpretation as to why these two logos look so similar.  Well, that's all I've got for today, it's Sunday, sue me.

Hot Dog, I'm Going To A Game

In my opinion, hot dogs are the best food item ever, which makes them a really easy choice for best stadium food ever. Baseball games do no count unless you eat a hot dog - that's why David Wells and Cecil Fielder have played the most real games of anyone ever. Hot dogs are similar to a sandwich in that it is a blank canvas...but this canvas mandates meat. There are actually people out there that don't like sadwiches and hot dogs. You put whatever the hell you want on it moron. It's like researching and picking out a car then buying and not liking it - makes no sense. Do you like chicken noodle soup? How about a hot dog with grilled chicken and some crunchy noodles. If you think ketchup and cheese will make it worse then stop reading right now.

Hot dogs are similar to what Ron White said about breasts, you will try any of them once even if they don't look that great. You want to see a 60 year old biker lady's boobs, "Sure, why not." You want to try a hot dog with onion rings and Doritos with some blue cheese? "I'll have a bite."

Hot dogs also don't lend themselves to dirty hippie vegans. There are plenty of vegan sandwiches but you can't have a true vegan hot dog - only a bunch of grass shaped like a penis. Fortunately for those men who are nervous about the shape, there is a world-wide gentleman's agreement not to make fun of it. It is the same agreement we have with cigars.

To celebrate the first start of another overpriced Japanese pitcher, the Rangers even sold some super weird Chinese hot dog even though Yu Darvish is from Osaka (Oops).

"Wanton wrapped hot dog?  I'll take two!"

So, the next time you are at a game, have a hot dog and enjoy. What's did you say? You prefer pizza? Then put some hot dog in the crust!

Mason and the Stolen Tennis Racket

If you haven’t figured it out by now, my nephew Mason is awesome. Awhile back my sister and her husband were playing tennis at the Collins Hill Athletic Club in Lawrenceville, Georgia; where they both play for some sort of tennis team and in fact, my brother-in-law is pretty damned good (he is the most non-athletic looking insanely talented athlete I have ever met). Last year, his team won the ALTA City Championship and I can only assume that that is pretty good considering he plays in Atlanta. Anyways, they were playing tennis at this athletic club when Mason said he had to go to the bathroom and wandered off. A couple minutes later, he came back with a random tennis racket. My brother-in-law just assumed he had swiped it from someone else’s bag, which he is known to do from time to time (one time during a match, he broke into someone’s car and stole chewing gum out of their middle console). After no one claimed the racket, my sister ended up leaving the racket on the court, hoping the owner would come looking for it. A couple days later, the tennis pro at the club called my sister and informed her that they had security footage of Mason stealing said racket from their shop. That’s right, Mason was not even three years old at the time but he had already been caught on tape shoplifting a $200 tennis racket. My sister told the tennis pro where they left the racket, but it was missing and so my sister was now out 200 bucks. Luckily, someone on her team picked it up thinking it was another teammate’s racket and they returned it with no hard feelings, but that doesn’t erase the fact that Mason would have a record if he were old enough. Once again, I will mention that my middle name is Mason and that I warned my sister that nothing good could come out of naming her kid after me and sure enough, I was right, but in an awesome way.

"That's Mason standing on top of a truck.  Two things about this photo, first, Mason wasn't even two years old and he got up there by himself.  Second, my sister saw him up there, went inside to get a camera, took the picture, THEN helped him down.  That's her favorite part of the story."

ESPN Bias

The NCAA was formed in the early part of the 20th century with the help of the most bad-ass president to ever live, Teddy Roosevelt.  Basically, Teddy wanted to reform college football practices due to the high number of injuries and deaths, so he ushered in the NCAA.  Today, the NCAA is responsible for awarding championships in every collegiate sport (except it does not officially recognize a champion in Division 1-A football), monitors wrongdoings, and punishes wrongdoers.  Their biggest responsibility is to make college football recruiting equal for all programs by limiting scholarships and making rules for recruiting practices such as limit in-home visits from coaches and disallowing paying players.  For a long time, they did a decent job of giving all schools equal footing when it came to recruiting (other than the obvious unequal recruiting tools like prestige, history, and facilities).  Today, the NCAA is not only failing to do that job, they have lost their grasp on college football altogether.

ESPN is now the largest and most influential sports network in America and when it comes to college football coverage, they are the king.  In 2008, ESPN signed the SEC to a 15-year/$2 billion contract which allows ESPN to broadcast SEC games on their network.  Because of this contract, ESPN has basically become the SEC's biggest promoter, so much so that on gamedays they show SEC highlights first on any of their halftime shows or on Sportscenter even if the match-up was terrible.  But that pales in comparison to what ESPN did to the BCS National Championship Game.  Going into the final weekend of the season, Alabama and Oklahoma State were fairly close in the standings for the chance to play LSU in the NC game.  However, after the completion of the SEC Championship Game, ESPN talking-heads brainwashed America into picking Alabama over Oklahoma State by saying and showing headlines like "Alabama projected to play re-match against LSU" and "Bama/LSU National Championship Game inevitably" and "Kirk Herbstreit is dreamy" and "It looks like Alabama will get their chance to revenge only loss of the season against LSU in championship game".  Not once did a single ESPN employee even utter the words "Oklahoma State".  Not once.  Due to their influence and their contract with the SEC, they made sure that it was going to be an all-SEC championship.  The only good news that came out of ESPN fixing the championship game was that it had the worst ratings of any BCS championship to date.

What does this have to do with the failings of the NCAA?  Well, ESPN has given the SEC a recruiting tool that can't be said by any other conference.  They have guaranteed that the SEC will play their games in prime-time on every gameday on the biggest sports network in America, games that will be seen by every potential recruit.  They have given the SEC unlimited coverage and hype that they do not give to other conferences (besides a select few other elite programs), coverage which potential prospects will watch while making their decisions on which school to choose.  ESPN's influence and power have literally given the SEC an unequal recruiting tool, you know the sort of thing that the NCAA is supposed to monitor.  For example, next year's consensus #1 recruit is a kid out of Atlanta and he has listed his Top 5 college choices as Alabama, LSU, Georgia, Ole Miss, and Clemson.  Four SEC schools and one ACC school and that ACC school is one of his choices because it is close to home (and super awesome, Go Tigers!).  Sure, you can say that all conferences are allowed to sign a TV deal with any network they want, but when that deal gives them an unfair advantage over the rest of the conferences, the NCAA should step up and level the playing field.  So tell me exactly what it is the NCAA does do?  Obviously it is not the job they set out to do.

"The only thing ESPN produces that I agree with."

Granted, the BCS is supposed to match up the two best teams in college football for their championship and LSU and Alabama probably were the two best teams last season, but they had already played and one team lost and since there is not a playoff, Alabama should have already been eliminated from the conversation, but b/c the BCS is retarded, we don't have a playoff even though the BCS claims the regular season is the playoff and yet they still let Alabama in the championship, which proves they are not only idiots but hypocritical.  (P.S.  As you can tell, I am not a fan of a team in the SEC, but I personally have nothing against the conference, I just can't stand ESPN and loath the BCS.  Just thought I should clarify.)

Outback Steakhouse

Is it just me or does anyone else think that the guy who does the voice-over for Outback Steakhouse commercials sound like he is doing a fake Australian accent?  Seriously, that guy sounds like he is trying so hard to sound Australian that it sounds really fake.  Which brings me to my next point - why can Brits and Australians talk in a flawless American accent, but Americans can't do a British or Australian accent?  Other than Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr. (and he can only do an old-timey British accent), Americans are terrible at British and Australian accents.  However, if somebody didn't tell me or had I not have seen him interviewed I would have never known that Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) was Australian.  The same could be said of Gary Oldman (Comm. Gordon in the Batman movies) who is British, Christian Bale (aka Bat-effing-man) who is British, and Ryan Kwanten (he plays Sookie's brother on True Blood) who is Australian.  I've always found this amazing.  Oddly enough, the Irish and Scots are really bad at American accents, just look at Liam Neeson and Sean Connery.  Also, has Outback Steakhouse turned into the Wal-mart of restaurants?  I feel like every time I go there, it is nothing but rednecks spilling out of their sweatsuits stuffing their faces with Blooming Onions.

"That's Isla Fisher, she is Australian and she played the crazy chick in Wedding Crashers.  Also, she is married to Borat and they have two kids.  I'm not kidding."

Greatest Star-Studded Movie Cast Ever

Can you name the movie with the greatest ensemble of actors and actresses?  I bet most of you will say it is one of the Ocean's 11 movies, or The Departed, or one of the numerous holiday-named romantic comedies (Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve, etc.).  Well, you would be dead wrong.  The answer is Mars Attacks!.  Just look at this cast, it is ridiculous:

• Jack Nicholson - (3 AW/12 AN, 5 GGW/17 GGN)  He is definitely one of the greatest actors of all-time and played The Joker to perfection in Batman.
• Glenn Close - (5 AN, 2 GGW/9 GGN)  Her star has faded over time, but she has been great her entire career.
• Annette Benning - (4 AN, 2 GGW/7 GGN)  She's not someone today's generation really knows but she is one of those actresses that has been a lot of movies you have seen.
• Pierce Bronson - (1 GGN)  Come on, you know him, he's the 2nd best James Bond behind Sean Connery (but Daniel Craig is catching him fast).
• Danny DeVito - (1 GGW/3 GGN)  Our second former Batman villain on the list and easily the shortest man (5 ft) to ever succeed in Hollywood other than Warwick Davis (he played Willow and The Leprechaun).
• Martin Short - (1 EW/3 EN)  SNL, Three Amigos, Innerspace (very underrated movie) make this guy great.
• Sarah Jessica Parker - (4 GGW/8 GGN, 2 EW/11 EN)  She personally made way too many men's lives miserable b/c of that stupid Sex and the City show.
• Michael J. Fox - (4 GGW/8 GGN, 5 EW/12 EN)  Back to the Future and Family Ties, need I say more.
• Tom Jones - Watch this clip and you will appreciate Tom Jones that much more.
• Jim Brown - NFL Hall of Fame, 3 MVP's, 9 Pro Bowls, and 8 Rushing Titles are some of his achievements, along with being a decent actor.
• Lukas Haas - You would recognize him if you saw him, he was most recently in Inception (he was the guy who got killed very early on for screwing up that first dream).
• Natalie Portman - (1 AW/2 AN, 2 GGW/3 GGN)  A lesbian scene with Mila Kunis.  Awesome.
• Pam Grier - She's been in a ton of movies and her name is recognizable, so she makes this list.
• Jack Black - (1 GGN)  I really wish he would have stuck with being a musician, his movies seem to get worse and worse (also, did you know that both of his parents are rocket scientists?)
• Ray J - He is the reason Kim Kardashian is "famous" which means he is the reason reality TV shows are so effing stupid.
• Christina Applegate - (3 GGN, 1 EW/3 EN)  She used to be way hotter back when she played Al Bundy's kid.
• Joe Don Baker - Another guy you would recognize if you saw him, he was in a couple of James Bond flicks and seems to be in every crappy comedy ever (Joe Dirt, Dukes of Hazzard, Strange Wilderness, etc.).
• Willie Garson - He currently plays Mozzie on the show White Collar, but has been around forever.
• Rod Steiger - (1 AW/2 AN)  I personally have no idea who this is, but he won an Academy Award, so he must be pretty good at acting.

(AW = Academy Award Wins, AN = Academy Award Nominations, GGW = Golden Globe Wins, GGN = Golden Glove Nominations, EW = Emmy Wins, EN = Emmy Nominations)

"Who ever thought that they would ever see this scene in a movie?  Usually it is the other way around.  And with less aliens."

NOKW - The Matrix

Here comes the next chapter in our "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" series (if you don't know what this is, click here for all of the past posts):

Movie:  The Matrix

Basic Plot:  Machines rule the earth and have enslaved all (but a small group of) humans who they lead to believe live in what we know today as earth, when in fact they are just plugged into a computer.

I'm Okay With:  The fact that the surviving humans are able to survive on little to no food with nutritional value and no sunlight.  The fact that the same humans have the technology to make aircraft and advanced weaponry despite living in an underground shit hole.  The fact that the machines have figured out how to harvest humans, build cities, create new machines, but can't seem to find the last remaining city of non-enslaved humans.  The fact that Keanu Reeves is actually believable in this role.  The whole concept of entering into the Matrix.

I'm Not Okay With:  The machines have been able to build cities for themselves and create an entire social structure of their own.  They have the ability to write a program where they have their enslaved humans believe they are living which shows a high level of intelligence.  So why does the code they wrote for their "agents" - the guys who govern inside the Matrix - allow them to die?  Yes, I know that the "agents" are faster then the humans inside the Matrix and can jump into another human if they are about to die, but why allow them to die in the first place?  Couldn't they just have made them invincible?  Wouldn't it have been easier if "agents" could just charge straight at a fully armed Neo without having to worry about bullets harming them?  Seriously?  I am not okay with this.

"Humanity's last chance for survival."

Game of Thrones Season 2?

Because I am a nerd, I need to point out something that is very nerdy.  For those of you who either watch or have at least heard of (if you subscribe to HBO, then you have definitely heard of) the TV series Game of Thrones, you then know that Season 2 just started a couple of weeks ago.  However, if you had read the book, then you know that A Game of Thrones is the first book in a seven-book series called A Song of Fire and Ice.  This means that, technically, the newest season should be called Clash of Kings (the second book in the series) and not Game of Thrones Season 2.  At the very least, HBO should call it A Song of Fire and Ice Season 2, but instead stuck with Game of Thrones as the series name.  I understand that HBO has to stick with the brand name they started for a series that was nominated for 13 Emmy Awards (winning two) last year, but as a nerd I find it stupid.  Either way, the books and TV show are great and I suggest reading/watching them/it.  Also, one of the main characters on the show is super hot which is always a good thing (and she may or may not get naked.....I'll give you a hint, she does).

"Super hot."

Albert Pujols

This past winter, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim signed Albert Pujols to a 10-year/$254 million contract and I think that was a really really stupid decision by Albert.  You see, Albert played for the St. Louis Cardinals for the past 11 years where he won 2 World Series, 3 MVP's, 9 All-Star Selections, 6 Silver Sluggers, 2 Gold Gloves, and the 2001 Rookie of the Year.  He played for a team that has won the second most World Series Titles (11) in history, is Top 5 in All-Time Wins and Winning Percentage and is considered one of the most prestigious teams in Major League Baseball.  Now he plays for a team that has one World Series Title (2002) and if you look at their history prior to 2002 was one of the worst teams in Major League Baseball.  In other words, he went from one of the most historic teams to one of the worst teams.  That's like going from the Green Bay Packers to the Buffalo Bills or the Harlem Globetrotters to the Washington Generals.

And now comes the part where I explain why I loath his decision.  In the 11 years he played with the Cardinals, he earned roughly $120 million and when it came time to give Pujols a new contract, the Cardinals offered him a very lucrative contract worth over $200 million.  Instead of staying with his original team, he accepted the deal from the Angels that was giving him an extra $50 million and left.  You may ask yourself why this is a big deal and why taking the bigger contract is a bad thing.  The answer is simple.  The guy had already earned over $100 million which is more than enough money to set yourself up to live comfortably for the rest of your life, so when you are about to make another $200 no matter which team you choose, why take the extra cash and leave the team that drafted you, believed in you, and payed you more money than any of us will ever see combined (unless one of our readers is extremely rich, then what's up, you wanna hang out)?  Basically, is there really a difference between $200 million and $250 million when you have already made over $100 million?  Is that really a big enough of a difference to abandon the only team you have ever known and crush the fans that have pulled for you and bought your jersey and praised you for the past 11 years?  The answer is no.  And that is why I think Albert Pujols is an idiot.

"Hahahaha, I can finally buy an island volcano and fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a super villain!"

Mason and the Microwave

Remember when I told you guys all about my awesome nephew Mason’s tendency to wake up in the middle of the night and wander around the house doing whatever it is he wanted to do. Well, one night he took it a little too far which led to my sister finally having to trap him in his room. On that fateful night, he escaped from his room and made his way to the kitchen where he probably originally intended to raid the fridge for juice boxes and Kraft Singles, but got diverted when he saw the microwave. It was then that he took something (to this day, my sister still does not know what) and put it in the microwave. He then somehow turned the microwave on and a couple of minutes later the smoke alarm was going off because the microwave and the cabinets above it set on fire.

"The Aftermath."

My sister and her husband woke up, saw the fire, and were able to put it out quickly before it caused too much damage. And of course they could only assume it was Mason, but they really couldn’t punish him because he didn’t know any better and instead, just kind of laughed it off. The thing they couldn’t figure out was how he did it. At the time, Mason wasn’t tall enough to even reach the microwave, let alone know how to use it. My guess is that he knew exactly how to use it and wanted to know what would happen if he stuck some of his homemade explosives in there. Luckily, he wasn’t old enough to know how to make those explosives particularly potent. Let’s just hope he still hasn’t figured it out, for our sake and mankind’s.

"There's an 85% chance that this will be the last thing you see before you die."

Golfer's Tan

There are plenty of positives about being a professional golfer - the money, the travel, the beautiful courses, the fact that you are playing a game for a living, and the groupies.  But there is one very large downside to being a professional golfer - the unavoidable tan.  Think about it, pro golfers will be play a practice round or two then two to four competitive rounds a week, plus they play a couple rounds and spend hours on the driving range on their weeks off.  This amounts to a lot of time in the sun while wearing a collared or tee shirt (unless that golfer is John Daly, in which case he will most likely be shirtless as often as possible) and likely long pants.  In other words, if you lined up a bunch of construction workers and professional golfers and had them take their shirts off, you could no longer tell them apart (except the construction workers would have Harley-Davidson and Dale Earnhardt tattoos all over their bodies).  Sure, pro golfers are rich enough to take a couple weeks off and travel to some exotic local and get a full-body tan, but there is no way that those couple of days will offset the rest of the year they spend in the sun in their Titleist, Rio Grande Short-Haul Trucking, Nike, Wally's Steakhouse, and Callaway collared shirts (can you guess which two of those were from Tin Cup?).  At least they have groupies who seem to dig the tan.

"I was going to show a picture of Masters winner, Bubba Watson, but here is Tiger's super hot ex-wife instead."

Mother Russia

There is a really cool feature in the Admin Toolbar that I can click on while tinkering with the site called "Stats", which allows me to see how many people have looked at our website in the past day/week/month/all-time (which reminds me, tell your friends about our site).  It also breaks down other random stats like how many people found this site through Google or other random sites and, for some reason, it shows page-views by internet browser (Chrome, Explorer, Firefox, etc.).  But the coolest feature it has is that it shows "Page-views by Country" and somehow we are a hit in Russia.  I don't know how someone from Russia would even know how to find our site, but however they did find us, I want to give a shout-out to our Russian readers.  You guys are awesome.

"Please tell me that all Russian women run around topless with guns.  That would make my day."

Rules of the Road

Alright, I am going to set the record straight on a couple rules that should be common sense but for some reason, people don't seem to understand when driving.  Most of these apply to driving on the Interstate, so here we go:

1. When passing another car on the Interstate, do NOT go only one mile per hour faster than the other car.  It seems like every time this happens both cars are going way under the speed limit and as soon as they hit a hill, the passing car seems to lose all ground it gained yet still doesn't get the hint that they should give up and try again later so that the mile long line of cars behind them can get past them.
2. Do NOT drive within a car's length of the car in front of you (unless you are trying to get a person breaking Rule No. 1 to drive faster).  This can only led to disaster in fast traffic (that's what I call traffic that is going over 50 mph).
3. When driving on the Interstate, do NOT just cruise in the passing lane especially if you are going under the speed limit.  It's called the passing lane for a reason and all you are doing is making faster cars go around you in the slow lane for no explainable reason.
4. Do NOT vary your speed more than about 5 miles per hour.  Nothing drives me more insane than watching someone who I just passed fly by me only to have me pass them again in a couple of minutes, then rinse and repeat.
5. Do NOT accelerate if someone is trying to pass you.  I don't know if people do this because they think driving is some sort of competition, but if you are being passed, just accept it and don't speed up.
6. Limit your time talking on a cell phone while driving.  This is the most important rule of all because people who talk on their cell phone while driving tend to break all of the rules above without even noticing and usually break a multitude of other rules as well.  Lay off the phone and listen to the damned radio instead.

"So that's what that thing is for, I've always wondered about that."

NOKW - The Dark Knight

I'm going to start a new series of posts that we will call "I'm Okay With, I'm Not Okay With" or "NOKW", where I dissect the little things in movies that I just can't overlook because of its stupidity.  Let's get to it:

Movie:  The Dark Knight


Basic Plot:  Batman battles the Joker and Two-Face (kind of) in order to save Gotham City.


I'm Okay With:  The fact that a mere mortal with no superpowers is able to take down waves of bad guys with only a score of bat-themed gadgets, his fists, and no lethal weapons.  The fact that no one in Gotham City can figure out Batman's real identity despite that the only person rich enough to afford to be Batman is Bruce Wayne.  The fact that the police can't seem to find one crazy guy that wears makeup all the time.  The ridiculousness of the Joker's plan where he purposely fails to kill Harvey Dent resulting in Dent becoming mentally and physically scarred, gets arrested, sends the police on a manhunt so that headquarters is undermanned, blows up police headquarters, escapes, blows up a hospital, takes two ferry boats hostage, attempts to get the boats to blow each other up, fails, and then has a backup plan where Harvey Dent starts killing people.  The fact that no one seems to notice the Joker and his henchmen putting hundreds of very large barrels of explosives onto two ferries.


I'm Not Okay With:  In the scene where Batman entrusts Lucius Fox with a city-wide sonar system that uses cell phones to help Batman find the Joker, Batman informs Lucius about about his plan and the whole time they are talking Batman still uses his Batman voice (you know what I'm talking about) even though Lucius knows Batman is Bruce Wayne.  Seriously, why does he keep talking in that stupid voice when the guy you are talking to knows your real identity?  It's not like Bruce has to hide his secret from the guy, in fact, this is the same man who has been supplying Batman with all of his cool gadgets from his utility belt to his armored Bat-tank.  I am not okay with this.

"Is this your card?  No.  Damn.  Maybe I should stick with being an evil villain."

Las Vegas Slogan

"What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" = Prostitution is legal here.

Every time I hear Las Vegas' famous slogan, the only thing that enters my mind is what they really mean - this is the only place in America where you can legally pay for sex.  What else could it possibly mean?  Sure, gambling isn't looked at in a positive way, but you can gamble legally all over America, but the only place you can pay for sex legally is in Las Vegas (technically it is illegal inside city limits, but close enough).  So, the next time you see one of those Las Vegas' commercials, just remember what they are really trying to tell you.  Sex.

First Person Sports References

Is it just me or when referring to the team you pull for by using the team in the first person sound wrong?  You know, when you say things like "we", "us", or "our" when you are talking about your favorite team.  It drives me crazy when I am listening to sports radio and a redneck calls in and starts saying things like, "we played well tonight" or "our defense played really sloppy" or "I expect us to beat the Lakers" when he is talking about the Boston Celtics.  Seriously, this guy has obviously never been north of the Mason-Dixon Line (let alone outside of a 10 mile radius from his double-wide), so what makes him think he can refer to a team in Boston in the first person?  Now I understand that there are a couple of instances where it is perfectly allowable to be able to use the first person when talking about your team, so here are the exemptions:

• You play or have played for said team.
• You work for said team.
• You went to said university (but even then, you should keep it to a minimum b/c the closest you ever got to the field was when you got drunk and ran onto it after a game).
• You are a Dallas Cowboys fan (it's easier to just let them say it and not argue with them).

So that means that you are not allowed to use first person if you have never even been to the city or university of the team.  And under no circumstances can you use first person for a college team if you have not at least attended that school (and having a 2nd Grade education does not give you any sort of mentally challenged exemption status).  I'm looking at you, every redneck fan in the state of South Carolina.

"When I googled 'redneck sports fan', the SEC logo came up in the results, that made me laugh."

Mason At The Bank

Guess what? My sister gave me another Mason story that I thought was really funny. First off, she told me that when she is in the bathroom getting ready to go run errands or whatever, Mason knows that while she is in there, he can get away with doing anything for a couple of precious minutes. One morning while she was getting ready, he apparently snuck into the garage and found a cricket cage his dad had used on a recent fishing trap. Mason took the remaining live crickets and dumped them into a toy truck that he could close the back of trapping the crickets inside. He then took that truck and put it in the car. My sister then came out of the bathroom, loaded up the car with the kids and headed for the Brand Bank in Duluth, Georgia to finish getting a loan approved for their new house. When they got to the bank, her youngest kid, Emmitt (when I hear his name, it always makes me think of Doctor Emmitt Brown from the Back to the Future movies), wanted to bring the toy truck - the one with the crickets in it - into the bank with him. Not knowing about the crickets, she let him. Once inside, they headed up to the second floor where the loan officer’s office was located and waited in the lobby until he was available. Well, as soon as they sat down, Mason grabbed the toy truck, opened the back, and let loose the two dozen crickets he had earlier trapped in the truck. My sister didn’t know what he was doing until it was too late and just had to watch as the crickets scattered to all corners of the bank’s offices. Needless to say she fled the bank as soon as she was done dealing with her loan. We can only assume that Mason knew precisely what he was doing when he went into the garage that morning. And you can also assume that the employees of that bank still have no idea how so many crickets came to live on the second floor of their bank. That kid is crazy smart and I can’t wait to hear the stories from my sister as soon as he is old enough to attend school and old enough to terrorize his teachers.

"Mason stabbed Alexatgt as soon as I put him down."

Instilling Fear Through Seafood

Question: What does Jacksonville University know that no other college in America knows?

Answer: The power of sea life and seafood.

Having a sea-dwelling animal as a mascot seems like a good idea, it is definitely on the short list of options for a mascot if you were starting a college. Of course you would want originality. Do you really want your school mascot to be another lion, tiger, or bear (sorry, couldn't resist)? Plenty of those mascots are already established so you aren't making any headway there. You also want to stay away from "over-originality" like when people name their kids Apple (Gweneth Paltrow), Pilot Inspector (Jason Lee), or Wednesday (Morticia Addams). Being the Banana Slugs is funny the first few times you see it or say it, but after 4+ years it gets to be a little much. Another requirement when choosing your mascot is that it should instill some fear in your opponent. You don't want the SportsCenter anchor making fun of your teams - I'm looking at you Northern Arizona Lumberjacks (are you going to gay plaid us to death?), the Tulane Green Wave (you can wave goodbye to your respect), and the Maryland Terrapins (go ahead and slowly and steadily carve out another 2-10 football season).

To summarize, every college wants a unique but not obscure, fierce, fun mascot. Enter sea life. What is the biggest question/debate/travesty in the NCAA right now? Who deserves the title? The BCS? Nope - HOW THE FUCK IS THERE NOT A SHARK MASCOT ?!?!?! Makes no sense. No Crabs. No Lobsters. No Sting Rays. No Sea Lions. Not even an effing manatee. Only Jacksonville University come close with the gay shark (Dolphin). Let's take a look at the pros of a water dwelling mascot:

1 - Uniqueness - Except for waves and pirates, nothing lives in the water. Also, you will not have the same mascot as anyone else - everyone knows where you go to school by the animal so you can avoid any blank stares when you tell people you support the Tigers (Clemson, Auburn, LSU, Missouri, Memphis, and 30 other small schools have a tiger as a mascot).

2 - Area - All those colleges out there neglect the two-thirds of the earth covered by water. You should embrace it. This lets you tie in fundraisers and support causes that make sense by supporting your mascot's habitat and automatically generate so much hippie karma - that's worth at least a few points a game.

3- Sex Appeal - Not really, but check out this pic.

4 - The Upper hand - Colleges do have water sports like swimming and diving so those teams will automatically have the best mascots.  "Who are swimming against today?"   "The Sharks."  "FUCK".

5- Money - When a school changes their mascot to something cool, everyone that likes them has to buy all new gear which will generate tons of revenue. Time it with a partnership with a new apparel provider and you have gold, Jerry, gold!

6- Fear - If I go into a forest, don't bears and tigers and lions and eagles live there?  So what, I go in forests all the time and I'm alive.  There are a lot of people that won't even go in the ocean and couldn't swim even if they did.  You can't see 3 feet in front of your place and that thing you just stepped on is either a piece of a shell or a giant prehistoric sea monster ready to eat you.

7 - Tailgate Food - I have struggled with this for years.  Why aren't there many, if any, seafood boils at tailgates?  All it is is a bunch of seafood in a huge pot - you cannot screw it up.  It's messy goodness that you can get dirty with.  It is also PERFECT with beers.  Maybe even some champagne!

Please Tweet all college presidents and let's get this going.  Soon we could have the ACOMC (Atlantic Coast Ocean Mascots Conference). I know this leaves out lakes but that is on purpose. Lakes suck.

MLB Preview

Since Alexatgt and I are such baseball junkies, we decided we would do our own preview for the upcoming Major League Baseball season.  Here are our picks:

	Sambo	Alexatgt
AL East	Yankees	Rays
AL Central	Tigers	Tigers
AL West	Angels	Rangers
AL Wild Card #1	Rangers	Angels
AL Wild Card #2	Red Sox	Yankees
AL MVP	Adrian Gonzalez	Adrian Gonzalez
AL Cy Young	Jered Weaver	Jered Weaver
AL ROY	Yu Darvish	Yu Darvish
NL East	Braves*	Phillies
NL Central	Reds	Brewers
NL West	Giants	Giants
NL Wild Card #1	Phillies	Marlins
NL Wild Card #2	Diamondbacks	Cardinals
NL MVP	Joey Votto	Hanley Ramirez
NL Cy Young	Clayton Kershaw	Zach Greinke
NL ROY	Bryce Harper^	Lance Lynn#

* Homer Pick!
^ Only b/c I can't name any other good rookies in the NL.# Huge long shot.

"At least Lance Lynn looks crazy enough to win NL Rookie of the Year."

Movie Prequels And More

Part Three of Upcoming Movies Series will cover all of the remakes and some ridiculous movies currently in production in Hollywood:

· Dredd – this could fall under the sequel section, but it’s a new cast and stars the underrated Karl Urban as Judge Dredd, who has to be better than Stallone, right?

· Mad Max – I can honestly say that I never saw any of the original films, so I don’t know if a remake is going to be worth much.

· Snow White and the Huntsmen – someone must have seen that they were doing a gritty Little Red Riding Hood and instantly wrote up an equally terrible script.

· Blade Runner – they still aren’t sure if this is going to be a remake, sequel, or prequel. Either way, that can’t be good for such a great original.

· Total Recall – I watched the original recently and it is eerie how similar its concept is to the movie Inception.

· The Little Mermaid – why call it the Little Mermaid, when clearly she is a young woman and not little at all.

· Monsters, Inc. Prequel – meh.

· Halo – this can only suck, the games are awesome and there is no way to translate that to the big screen.

· World War Z – this is based off of an awesome book written by Max Brooks (son of Mel Fucking Brooks of Spaceballs fame) and I suggest buying that book and his other book,The Zombie Survival Guide (see earlier post on the awesomeness of this book).

· Stretch Armstrong – yeah, they are actually making this movie.

· Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – what?!? This is real, people.

"Abraham Lincoln killing a vampire.  WHAT?!?"

Update - In between this post and the recent Movie Sequels post, Hollywood has announced a sequel to the 1988 hit comedy Twins.  Yeah, the one with Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger (I find it amazing that spell-check is OK with that last name) , except this time they have another brother who will be played by Eddie Murphy, therefore the movie will naturally be called Triplets.  Come on Hollywood, you can do better than this.